Well, At Least I'm Younger Than Them

I'm old.

There's much to write about these days. I could write about all the black people at the RNC, but that wouldn't be long. I could also write about how Dustin Pedroia has become the best player in baseball. I could even write bout the worthlessness of Fantasy Football, but happily, I feel the backlash to that idiotic activity these days. Like poker, it's not as big as it once was. I could also write about how I may be wrong about those fading Rays (but I'll be right, you'll see!) or shred the new Pacino/De Niro certain flop (it makes less than 10 million, I guarantee). Or I could discuss the awesomeness of this fall's live music scene. Or lament the fact that Heidi Whatney may be banging a big assed, flat topped, .210 hitting Jason Varitek.

But I couldn't get juiced up for any of those because I was busy feeling bad for myself because I realized I'm old. When did this realization come to fruition? When I made a reference to The Breakfast Club and a student of mine said it was "mad old."

Old? What? Are you kidding me? No way. In fact, I disagreed so wholeheartedly that I got really pissed. I spent the rest of the afternoon cursing the stupidity of today's youth and their non appreciation for all things great. I mean, could they turn off Gossip Girls, shut off their iPod, and get off of Facebook for a few seconds? Can't they appreciate all the greatness that has come before them because if they thought superbad Superbad was funny, then they know nothing! Funny was the eighties and nineties I tell ya! Funny was Marty McFly, Lloyd Christmas, Farley and Spade, Fletch (that's for you Hayes), Caddyshack (that's for you Wall), Animal House (Thornton), and The Big Lebowski (Mike). Those are (were?) funny! And by god so was (definitely WAS) The Breakfast Club!

But you know what? My new student was correct. The Breakfast Club is old. And to this young woman- who was born in 1992- The Breakfast Club is indeed, Mad Old. And once I thought about it, not only is it old, but it's not that good. How do I know this? Why, I watched it just five days ago.

While The Simple Minds are great, Principal Vernon is hilarious (I can't believe that I related to him the most!) and the general story of teens from all walks of life is a classic, the movie is far from funny. There are painfully dated lines (Barry Manilow's wardrobe), the "dramatic" parts aren't that dramatic and there's been a glut of recent high school films that surpass it (my binkie Napoleon, Mean Girls, Can't Hardly Wait to name three). And worst of all is Judd Nelson. He is virtually unwatchable and his tough guy of a character is so beyond outdated that it is hysterical (there just aren't "skids" anymore people).

And that got me to thinking. To this girl, this movie is ANCIENT. It came out a full seven years before she was born. That may as well make it Citizen Kane to her.

Think about the year you were born. For me, that was 1974. Now go back seven years from said birth year. That puts me at 1967.

In 1967, there was no baseball playoffs, just the World Series. There were no Walkmans, let alone iPods. U2 were just recently gametes. No one had heard of something as simple as Pong. The Cosby Show and Family Ties were decades away. Hell, even Jaws and it's comical mechanical shark was too futuristic (it arrived nine years later). And wikipedia was a word that would have got you put into special ed classes if you said it too often. Only there weren't special ed classes either. And heres a car from 1967:


I'd rather have a club foot than be seen driving in that piece.

On the pop culture scene, The Graduate, In Cold Blood, Bonnie and Clyde, and In The Heat of the Night were big films of that year. I've seen all four. $50 and a six pack pf PBR Talls wouldn't get me to sit through one of them right now.

Have you seen a television show from 1967? You probably have... For about five seconds because some of the shows that were on in 1967 were Hogan's Heroes, Gunsmoke, Bonanza, The Carol Burnett Show, and Beverly Hillbillies.

Those shows aren't good.

And it's not that they are not good because they are old, they are not good because they are not good. Just as, upon further review, The Breakfast Club is not good.

I frequently get in this argument with people, especially when it comes to music. Because a song or band is old and was an essential part of our youth, doesn't mean it was good. I bet the first time your older brother gave you Foreigner, 4 (add "Urgent" to the songs I immediately switch off), you loved it. Not so much because you liked the music , but more because you liked the fact that your brother was actually being nice to you and not giving you a charlie horse (or drowning you in the pool, right Molly and Mike?). But have you listened to it in comparison to the music that is out these days? These guys wouldn't open for Cold War Kids, let alone headline a tour in 2008.

Because if you can push aside for a few minutes all the nostalgia that comes with something old, you may realize that these movies, TV shows, songs, bands, cars, video game systems, and gadgets were just plain bad.

And so that young lady in my class doesn't hate The Breakfast Club strictly because it's old. She hates it because it's bad and unfunny. The actors are of no relevance to her and Don't You Forget About Me is a song she may or may not have heard covered on One Tree Hill. Instead of being the geek icon that he was in the 80s, to her Anthony Michael Hall is just some old dude that hasn't been in a relevant movie in twenty years (although he was seen pissing off a balcony in Entourage recently). Molly Ringwald is no one to her and Emilio Estevez? C'Mon. She probably knows his dad better from those re-runs of West Wing.

I wrote in a very early post that old TV shows on DVD should not be watched because they aren't good. The same can be said for all pieces of pop culture, not just TV shows. And while old isn't always bad ("So Lonely", Iggy Pop, 2001: A Space Odyssey, To Kill A Mockingbird, "Take Another Piece of My Heart", Monopoly), so much of what we loved is really, REALLY bad.

Take for instance Atari. I've had a habit of buying for Playstation old Atari games (just to give you a sense of the memory on those old school cartridges, you can get about fifty games on one Playstation CD-ROM) and you know what? They suck. There's a reason why people invented Intellivision, Colecovision, Nintendo, Sega, genesis, N64, Playstation, and XBox. Why? Because each of these were way better than their old, outdated, worthless predecessor!

And just as we understand that this is a GOOD thing when it comes to technology, we should also understand that it is a GOOD thing when it comes to entertainment too. Because while three guys slapping each other and poking one another's eyes may have been funny at some point in our lives, I'm certainly glad we progressed from that to Ferris Bueller's Day Off (still weathers time), to Pulp Fiction, to Napoleon Dynamite, to Flight of the Conchords.

But guess what? I like lots of old things, like Seinfeld. This past May marked the tenth anniversary of Seinfeld ENDING! Can you believe that? For anyone in high school, that Thursday night when no one got the button joke means absolutely nothing! Neither, frankly, does the return of 90210. Why? because to a teenager, Jennie Garth and Shannon Doherty are just two old beat chicks moving staggeringly close to cougar status. They are part of no current drinking games as they were to many of us in college and teenagers certainly have no idea what the phrase "Donna Martin graduates" means.

So the next time I make a Frank Constanze joke and it falls flat (as it did the other day), I need to realize that- in the words of good ole Constanza... It's not them, it's me.

I need to start making Gossip Girl references and instead of talking about the hotness of a now 43 year old Brad Pitt, I need to say how dreamy The Jonas Brothers are. I need to get it together because my circa 1997 jokes are really not good and you know why?

It's because I'm old.

The Worst Of All Sundays

All of you who are joining me (or are soon joining me) returning to school know that the day before school starts is the worst day. Ever. It's worse than the day your dog died. It's worse than the day you found out that hottie gave you a fake number. It's worse than the day that your roommate pissed in your sock drawer.

You know how everyone has the Sunday Blues? That time on a Sunday when you realize that you have to return to work? That's the feeling we get. Only it's worse. Way worse. It's like the worst Sunday you ever had.

It's a lot like that Sunday where you had that out of state wedding that you gleefully traveled too Friday afternoon. You know the one. The one where you woke up far later than you had planned with a hangover the size of a pre-Subway Jared next to one of your best friends and not that cute bridesmaid. Then, because you got up so late, you missed the breakfast, got a late start and didn't leave near as early as you needed to in order to get the full Sunday unwind in. You then booted out the window on the ride home due to your buddies herky-jerky driving in traffic that was so dense that you got home too late to grocery shop for the week and thus, had nothing for breakfast or lunch on Monday. And because of the fact that you finished that bottle of Grey Goose and then had a travel agenda similar to the one Steve Martin and John Candy had in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, you're so goddman tired you need another weekend. And to top it all off, you forgot to DVR Entourage.

The day before school is just like that Sunday. Only it's actually worse than that Sunday. Imagine you had a rectal examine that Sunday night too and then maybe, maybe we could talk comparison.

Those of you in education know what I'm talking about.

And while those of you NOT in education are snickering right now and telling me to suck it up and quit whining (By the way, my boy Hayes thinks teachers are overpaid. I'll send you his email address if you want to fire vitriolic comments his way), I'm here to tell you that on this day, your job is way, WAY better than mine.

September is just another month for you. In fact, it's probably kind of a good one. You have fond memories of returning to college, where you had as much responsibility as a house cat. Football starts for you meatballs and with it comes your precious fantasy football draft. The heat and humidity have gone away, and so too have your kids, which, given the prices of child care, might provide you with a windfall between fifteen and forty-five thousand dollars (if you are sending your child off to school for the first time). Tons of new music gets released, Red Sox playoff baseball begins, and you non-educators move into the time of year where it is YOU who actually get some time off.

And because of your lives as non-teachers (solid, solid decision by the way), you will never know the experience of the night before school begins.

The feeling in my stomach is almost indescribable. Every year, I try going to bed early, only to toss and turn and think about all it is I have to do before I finally decide to wake up at 1:47 and see what movie is on HBO (Fight Club). The more you teach, the more you realize that going back to school really isn't a big deal and in three weeks time, it will be back to business as usual. But it's just the THOUGHT of going back to school that is the killer on this, the night before I have to return to work.

For returning to my job means that there are no more Tuesday night's playing trivia. No more enjoying the ENTIRE Sox game as they play past 1 AM in Seattle on a Thursday. No more lazy Wednesday (or for me, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, AND Wednesday) mornings reading the paper over a cup of coffee at Diesel with only the parking meter to worry about. No more drunken texts with Steve Wall where we quote lines from Pulp Fiction (or Top Gun, or Talledega Nights) at 3:30am as we simultaneously watch said pictures on 203 or 326. No more concerts on a random Monday... Wait, that won't change. I'll just have to get up at six with a hangover instead of at one with a hangover. No more sitting in the sun on a Tuesday morning or shopping on Newbury on Friday at 10:30am. No more fun.

Now, I know that I should be happy to even have this opportunity for eight weeks every summer. I get to relive the adult equivalent of the days we spent playing wiffle ball and water polo (standing was allowed of course) as kids. But in the waning days of August, the trade off isn't even worth it, for there is nothing worse than the dark cloud of a new school year that hangs over us the second we see our first back to school commercial (fuck you Staples). Because do you, Mr. and Ms. Non Educator, know how much you hate Sunday nights? Well, you've only been away for work from two days and you don't want to go back. Try being away from work two MONTHS and then knowing you have to go back. It sure ain't good.

Take your Sunday Blues and multiply them by a billion kagallion and you have some idea of how we educators feel.

Every fall, I try to be positive about the season that brings Halloween (can't wait for the worthless Halloween blog) and Thanksgiving, but I cannot. Molly tried, but after one wake up, her attempts to bring me to Team Positivity failed. While The Shipyard Pumpkin is the best, it cannot offset the horror that is hearing that first ridiculous gripe from a student. You know, the same one you've heard for twelve years now, only out of a different mouth.

There are plenty of good things about teaching (scroll up four paragraphs and re-read) and plenty of bad things (the sheer volume of idiotic people who somehow decided to choose the same profession as I selected). But there is really nothing worse than the First Day Of School Eve (there should be a name for this- Hell Night sounds appropriate or maybe Day of Suck). And like I said, in no time, it'll be business as usual, but that doesn't allay my dread on this night. Just two months ago, I was celebrating my annual Summer of Gerard and that seems like just two hours ago. And in that same span of time, it will be the end of October and then before I know it, I'll be celebrating the annual Christmas Vacation. It'll all go by quickly and painlessly, but those words ring hollow right now, don't they fellow educators?

But on this night- the night before smiling cherubs bearing awful movie tastes and the occassional minging breath arrive at my door- all of you lucky non teachers have it easy. You'll sleep soundly, knowing that tomorrow is just another Wednesday. Just another hump day. Just another night of Bones, Criminal Minds, and Americas Next Top Model. I'd do anything to be in your shoes.

And so when you non-teachers are cursing me on a Tuesday night in July for keeping you out far too late, know that you've got your revenge tonight. And then some.

USA! USA! USA!

As many of you know, I hate America. I wish I were British, I root for the UK squad in World Cup play, I prefer British rock bands, I always root for the "underdog" countries in war (that's mostly a joke by the way). I hate our president, I like three states (two and a quarter seeing as where Mass has Fanuiel Hall), I hate The Ryder Cup team, and I dislike 98% of Americans.

But for some strange reason that no one can explain (and my brother is fascinated by this), I love the USofA come olympic time.

Why?

Frankly, I have no idea. But I do have a few theories. One is that despite how hard I try to NOT be a sports guy, I really like athletic competition. Another is that I love that football is NOT a sport in the olympics. I also love that when discussing the olympics, I realize that a good deal of the people I hate (read: idiots) don't like the olympics. I also love that there is a segment of the population that says, "The olympics aren't my thing" and these are often the same people that make me wish I wasn't an American, so because I am a non conformist, I love the olympic games. But it's more than just being a douche. I really do love the olympics. And here are the thirty reasons why I love the olympics....

30. That Rumor That In '04 They Ran Out Of Condoms In The Olympic Village- Imagine the scene at the olympics? Talk about the best bar on Earth! I'm sure that, as an athlete, you're psyched to be there, but you also must say as you're flying toward your competition, "man, I might get some nice vageen over there..." If that thought doesn't cross your mind, then you are off your game. Imagine the night after your event is over? It's like the last day of school/college graduation/Fourth of July/Bachelor party/Barbecue at your place and you don't have to drive all rolled into one. You just got the gold, your flight isn't until four days from now... Drink Up... And Bang!

29. Seeing Sports That Make You Say, "Hey, I Could Do That!"- I grew up with a pool and I can't swim. I run a 10K six days a week and I'd get lapped three times over if I were to compete in that event. Pole vault? Please... I can't do that in a video game. But team handball? All I could ever do athletically was throw and catch. I'm slower than Mike Lowell with a hip injury, and despite the fact that I left weights all the time, I have no real world strength. I can't bend it like Beckham and I'm probably a 45% free throw shooter. So what can I do with my catch and throw skills?!? TEAM HANDBALL BABY! I'm big enough, I'm in shape enough to lope up and down that court, and most importnatly, I can catch and throw. So where are the team handball try outs for 2012, because I'm in!

28. Weight Lifting- They use phrases called "jerk" and "snatch." Yes, I'm 34. Yes, I find this funny. And yes, you do too.

27. The Opening Ceremonies- Because you might see a girl who looks like this...


26. The Insane Logos- I have to say, I'm a sucker for logos. I think this is genetic as my lil sis Molly has long been a fan of all things logo/emblem (some logos I love: Pan Mass Challenge, Cingular, Sun Microsystems, Atari, Nike, Tiger Wood's logo, Hartford Whalers emblem, Montreal Expos) and she should make them as a living. But these Beijing Pablo Picasso wannabe stick figure logos are off the charts. Check out the hoops dunking one...

25. Trash Talking- The olympics are supposed to be all lovey dovey, but I love that people/teams are all set with each other. It's supposed to be all puppies and ice cream, but it's not. And that's awesome. Fuck you world. Try to beat us Americanos. Because you can't. Unless it's some sport we don't give a shit about.

24. The Literature- I'm engrossed by all stories olympic. I often hate the sports section at this time of year (fuckin football pre-season), but in an olympic year? So money. I love reading about the money spent (23 billion? Are you serious?), but what I really love reading about is everything else. The participants, the rules, the games, the changes... Everything. I don't think there has been a human in the land who has Wikipediaed olympic related questions more than me over the past five days. Need to know handball rules? Need to know that Wes Piermarini went to UMass (Go... Go U...)? Need to know the new gymnastics scoring system? Come to olympic superfan Gerard, 'cause I got your answers...

23. Dubya Showing Up Everywhere- I mean, you all know my feelings on this guy. But he showed up at beach volleyball... And hoops! And he toted his daughter along! It would have been cooler if he toted his drunk, state school educated daughter, but he didn't, and so that makes it not ULTRA cool, but still. The guys the prez and he was amongst seven fans watching beach volleyball. Plus, I think I liked it because I saw the leader of the free world had back sweat, which is a real issue for me personally...

22. The Commercials- I got soul, but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... Yeah, you know you gotta help me out... I got chills, but I'm not a loser... I got chills, but I'm not a loser... You know you just kicked my ass... YEEEEAAAAAH! (Marylou! Pre! MJ! And Lester!)



21. Synchronized Diving- Because regardless of my man crushes on Pitt, Clooney, Beckham, and Beringer; my $60 haircuts; my fancy jeans; and my love for chick lit; there is no one who is more ambiguously gay than these cats...

20. Badminton- I mean, for serious, this is an olympic sport?!? That same one you play in the back yard while holding a High Life. How awesome is that? When are they making darts an olympic sport?

19. Sunday Night's Swim Relay- Honestly, this country sucks. I like like 17 people total out of the whole place. And Sunday night was literally the best sporting event I've ever seen. Now, I know that you always hear this from and at the end of the day, was it really better than this years Cees or the '04 Sox? Probably not. But this IS Three Days Is Kinda Money and I only speak in hyperbole, so for the here and now, it doesn't get better than that. How can that dude possibly have made up that margin in ten strokes? it makes no sense! It was so awesome. Making it even more awesome was...

18. We Beat the French- All I do is defend the French. Seriously. I fuckin hate this country. I like France way more. They score an 11 on the coolness factor while we score a negative six. But Sunday night? Fuck the French. And their croissants...

17. Natalie Coughlin- Until one of you makes me famous, this is the best my surname has done. If she only realized that she were a goddamn American and we pronounced our name coff-lin, not cog-lin, then maybe I'd like her a bit more. That said, it's cool to see your name on the NBC in-the-pool graphic come race time.

16. Did I Mention the Commercials?-


15. Monochromatic Navy Blue- While nothing will top monochromatic maroon (UMass in the 1AA football finals) or monochromatic black (me everyday at the gym), monochromatic navy blue is pretty awesome. While other countries go with ridiculous colors (stop it Brazil and Sweden), the USofA has a classy navy. It's sleek and stylish and I've always loved it. I love it most on the English National Futbol Team, but it looks great on the Americans. Particularly when they are ripping spikes in six on six volleyball.

14. Bela Karolyi- Just seeing this guy makes me happy. Mostly because I know that there is a guy who is a worse human than me roaming the Earth, but that's irrlevant. We know this guys name. Why? Because he coaches an insane sport that we care about every four years.. And I love that he makes the most of it... Get paid Bela, even if you are a goon...

13. The Pose Down- Nothing made me prouder than the 4x100 relay pose down from 2000. Everyone here had a meltdown- largely because the team was all black- but that was an olympic moment. Why? Because everyone is always so "nice" in the olympics and this brought some freshness to the program. I love how much people hated this and it seems hypocritical seeing as where I love my low key guys (Mariano), but this was great. We smoked you world. Deal with it. If you don't like it... Get good and beat us...


12. Pros Play- They play in hoops, but they play in soccer, tennis, and hockey too. And I love it. It's the olympics. You send your best. And the best play professionally. Don't like it? Go to a AA baseball game. Get your "amateur" fill there. This is the world's stage and I want to see the best. Who do I want to see in the tennis final? Why, two guys named Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. Anything else would be a bummer. If you don't like this, then you are either old or dense. And it sucks to be both. Bring on the best. It shouldn't be any other way...

11. Water Polo Goalie- Because I thought my job sucked.

10. Skanky Outfits- Be it beach volleyball (for dudes) or swimming (for chicks), seeing really fit, scantily clad people is cool. I'm a personal fan of the middle distance runners. Think these girls have eaten a Cinnabon? Ever?

9. The Three Dots Over The iji in Beiing- Thanks Molly. You were right. it does look nice...

8. Fencing- This sport is awesome because if it were 700 years ago, fencing would actually be called "swording" and the loser would likely die. In an age where duels are gone (I could name fifteen people I'd give my left nut to duel RIGHT NOW!), this is all we have. It would be way cooler if there were two people out there with samurai swords (Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes maybe?) battling away. But since we've progressed as a society, so we can't have that. So fencing we got.

7. Lando Calrissian Throwing Out The First Ball- Woops. Got my athletic events confused. Lando threw out the ball at Sox/Sox. It was just so cool I got confused...

6. USA Softball- How awesome is this? No one will admit it, but the USofA is so goddamn good at softball that they are chucking the event as an olympic sport. At first, I was upset, but then it made me laugh. It felt like that neighborhood game where you made upo some proposterous rule just to defeat someone you hated. I'll never foget the time when I hit a homer in the cavernous wiffle ball park that was Bibeau Stadium. I was the first "not high school kid" to hit one out of this huge park. I was also the most hated out of these non high school kids (fuckin Mike Fay ten years my senior always wanted to fight me because I was so damn good) and so I went to four o'clock mass with my mom (probably the last time I was in a church) and came back and Ted, Gregg, Mark, and Jeff had all "homered" while I left. Weird, huh? So that makes me love USA softball. Get good or go home. And if you can't get good, then nix the sport. The world is filled with pussies....

5. Winning Multiple Medals- Seriously, if you know me, I know this makes no sense. But I root so hard for the US. And nothing is better than multiple medals. I love when a favorite (Natile Coughlin) wins and then when another, less known teammate medals. It's incredible. But nothing tops a sweep. Nice work fencing chicks...

4. A Brother In The Pool- In the words of Nat X, I guess my people have decided to dominate yet another sport...

3. Womens Weightlifting- Holy shit! All things considered, I've actually slept with really good looking women!

2. Cable Coverage- Honestly, what the hell were we doing back in 1976? We can see EVERYTHING now and you know what? I LOVE it!!! I love that I can see archery, rowing, badminton (I'm currently watching the guys who Ortiz and Urlacher played in the Vitamin Water commercial), and swimming all in the same night (watching the olympics is made even better when you are a worthless teacher in August). Also, the commentators they choose for the events are phenomenal. They break down the events without insulting the viwer and it really is great. I have no plans to watch a movie or go out for the next week and a half and that is solely because of the olympics.

1. USA Hoops- LeBron... Kobe... Carmelo... CP3... Bosh... Did you expect something else? My boys... In monochromatic navy... Smoking a bunch of pussy Europeans... USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

You Old Stiffs Are Going Down

The 2008 Olympic Mens Basketball Team beats The Dream Team. Yeah, the 1992 Dream Team.

Without a problem (sorry ladies, you can stop reading now. The gymnastics post is coming tomorrow).

In case you have forgotten, The 1992 Dream Team had this roster:

Gambling Michael Jordan
I Don't Have AIDS Magic
Larry "I Don't Tip" Bird
Gambling Charles Barkley
I Ate John Starks Patrick Ewing
Short Shorts John Stockton
Flat Top Chris Mullin
Mustache Clyde Drexler
Soft David Robinson
I Never Won Anything Karl Malone
I Shouldn't have Been On The Top 50 Greatest Players of All Time Scottie Pippen
Are You Serious Christian Laettner

My Nasty 2008 Roster Consists of:

Which One of You Tools Is Guarding Me LeBron
Best Player On The Planet Kobe
No One On The 1992 Team Can Guard Me D-Wade
I'm The Same Size As Barkley Only I can Shoot Carmelo
Beast Dwight Howard
I'm A More Athletic Big Man Than Robinson Chris Bosh
I Kill Stockton Guarding Me Deron Williams
I Kill Stockton Guarding Me Chris Paul
I Am Chris Mullin Only Better Michael Redd
I'm A Natural Power Forward Carlos Boozer
Lock Down Defender Tayshaun Prince
I'm Not Good, But I'm Still Better Than Laettner Jason Kidd

Now, I understand what The Dream Team did in 1992. Beat everyone by about an average of 40, never used a timeout, had 11 guys score in double figures in a given game (bet you can guess who didn't).

But the world has improved. And while the United States hasn't won a gold in eight years, this is their year. They have a perfectly assembled team. And while we will never see the blowouts we saw in 1992, the U.S. will roll. And they will roll over teams that run out one of the world's best big men (China), one of the world's best all around players (Germany), a team full of NBA starters (Argentina), and a flat out force in Spain. These are not your 1992 Olympics. There is parity all around and the U.S. knows it and they are ready for it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I love USA Basketball (not women's by the way) and this roster is awesome. Something about All Star teams has always made me happy and having an all star team in games that actually count (as opposed to all star games) is exceptionally cool. There are some flaws in the team selection system because, yes, having Duncan, KG, Pierce, Arenas, Iverson, Camby (Go, Go U...), Stoudamire, or some other studs might be nice. But this team is pretty unbelievable. I also only started liking the NBA in about 1992 and that is about the same time everyone starting hating this sport. And while you all have been crapping on the NBA it has (yeah, yeah, you've heard this before) become awesome. Players are phenomenal. LeBron would be a center if it were 1960, everyone can shoot, drive, and make freakishly athletic plays (well, the stars at least. You still do nothing Wally Sczerbiak). So as I've said before, this ain't your grandfathers NBA. And while many of you wish (for what reason, I don't know) it were, it's not. Get over it. Today's NBA players get paid a lot, have tattoos and rock funky hair. And oh yeah, they can play. And just like the players from years ago they "play hard" and they "care." They just make more money than you, drive better cars than you, and are- heaven forbid- black. So for all of those reasons, you think this team is a bunch of selfish jerks who only care about the bling and the Cristal. Well, come August 24th, you'll see that this team is money. And hopefully then you'll shut up. Enough of my NBA public service announcement. Let's get to the match ups...

The two teams were created in a remarkably similar fashion. They are buoyed by their three all around studs, both teams have pure point guards, pure shooters, lock down defenders, rebounding beasts, and cagey veterans. Both teams have their obvious advantages (1992 has a size advantage and three of the greatest players ever, my 2008 team has freakish, unguardable all around athletes who can do more than players in 1992 ever could and a new breed of point guard) and both teams have their weaknesses (you're old 1992, you're young 2008). And with that in mind, let's discuss the match-ups.

There are a couple of different ways to do this as you never know who is going to guard who and which combinations are going to go against which combinations. You could go right up and down the roster and do match-ups, but that's boring. So we'll try to do it a little differently. Here's how a game might shake out...

The Starting Five

Magic, Larry, Michael, Sir Charles and Ewing v. Kobe, Lebron, Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and 'Melo.

Magic presents a matchup problem, but Deron Williams is stronger than you think. Kobe takes Michael, Howard takes Ewing, 'Melo takes Larry (two defensive liabilities), and LeBron takes Sir Charles.

Now, I know what all you old folks longing for the glory days are thinking. What a match up joke, but really, is it? You all think that no one today plays defense, but did Larry play defense? And I think I heard something about Kobe playing D. Howard might be better than Ewing and LeBron- even though you think of him as a SG- would OWN Sir Charles. But let's look at it from the other side...

How are you, 1992 Dream Team, covering Coach K's boys?

My friends love to beg the question, "who cover's McHale?" when we have these generational discussions. But I ask you. Who covers LeBron? Is Charles playing this guy on the perimeter? You putting super athlete Larry (1992 Larry by the way) on him? Sure, put Michael on him. But then, who's covering Kobe?

As we know, you can't run your old 1992 team out there all game or they will die, so to the bench we will have to go and let's do just that...

My first guy off is D-Wade. Who covers him? He's virtually uncoverable now, playing against young studs. I'll put him against Drexler and they both will wind up having comparable careers. Further, while Drexler looked good 16 years ago, there are 25 (from Pierce, to Ray Ray, to Joe Johnson, to Shawn Marion, to Vince Carter, to Richard Jefferson) players like him in the NBA. His skills are no longer amazing. So I'll take unguardable D-Wade any day...

The two point guards off the bench are Stockton and CP3. Sure, Stockton is the assist king, but the position has changed and CP3 IS the future of that position. He eats Stockton alive and runs him off the court. Don't believe me? Look at their two best years to the right...

Power forwards off the bench are Carlos Boozer and Karl Malone. Anyone ever seen them in the room at the same time? They are the same guy. You remember and love Karl Malone because he was... ON THE 1992 DREAM TEAM!!! But really, he was a boring player who did two things well, but so does Boozer. Match up their best seasons. Boozer is Malone, only without the catchy nickname...

Chris Bosh and David Robinson bounce off the bench as the backup centers and while this looks like a run away victory for The Dream Team, remember all the knocks on The Admiral... He was soft, he was soft, and he was soft... And who better to put on a soft guy than a soft guy? Only a soft guy who is faster and younger. I always loved The Admiral and he obviously has the resume, but Chris Bosh ain't so bad...

The shooters are Michael Redd and Chris Mullin. Mullin could rain with the best of them. But guess what? So can Redd. In fact, these two guys might be the same dude. But because Mullin played in an era when everyone liked basketball and none of you would know who Michael Redd is, Mullin is considered better. Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story...

The lock down defenders are Pippen and Prince. Here, the Dream Team probably has me because Pippen could do more than Prince. But remember that Pippen did absolutely nothing (and I mean NOTHING) when he left Michael. And Prince is considered a pain in the ass as a defender. And further, he loves it...

The skank is rounded out by Laettner and Kidd and guess what? My skank KILLS your skank...

Again, you can't match it up correctly. You could match up lifetime scoring averages and the 1992 team would kill me, but scoring is down now and that's because teams are better. But here are some of the highlights of the game, as I see it...

Team 2008 shockingly wins the tap as Howard jumps out of the gym and directs the ball to a streaking LeBron- perfectly reading the tap- who leaves a stunned Barkley in the dust and windmill slams home two. This sets the tone for the first half, a half dominated by Team 2008...

The rest of the game? Coming tomorrow...

Yeah It's A Cheat- But I Got Much On My Mind!

Mailing it in with an easy post. At least you have a lot to respond to...

As you know, I have long been a Manny apologist/supporter. And they are certainly better with him in the lineup and people are ignorant if they think he is so easily replaced. But when my boy Gammons jumps off the bandwagon (he didn't even jump off the Bonds bandwagon), then I have to leave too. It's really too bad. You wish he would have handled it differently. It would be nice if he just went out and dominated and then forced everyones hand. But nobody likes someone who bails with a fake injury. Interesting who he has sat against too...

Saw The Dark Knight. It is good. Very good. Heath Ledger is absolutely worthy of every bit of praise being showered upon him. There is really nothing left to say that hasn't been said. The hair stood up on my arms every time he was on screen. Not over the top, not taking himself too seriously. I was worried that it might be a Daniel Day-Lewis like performance in which he gets an Oscar before anyone sees him, but that's not the case. He crushed it. Are we fascinated with his death? Most certainly, but dead or alive, the performance was beyond description...

That said, the movie IS NOT the Greatest Movie Ever as some people seem to think it is (I can't believe it's number one on iMDB right now). It ran too long and got too convoluted in the same way that The Departed did. And that's what i don't like about Christopher Nolan (I'm starting the Memento Sucks blog). Rather than realize that simple and subtle can be amazing, he tries to make everything an "epic" movie that has to make a "statement." The plot development introduced in the final 45 minutes should have waited until the next movie, but it wasn't bad enough to destroy the movie in a let's introduce-a-bunch-of-adult-characters-in-a-high-school-movie way like Superbad did...

Have you read Emily Giffin's new book yet? Well, you should. Love The One You're With is great and she is the Michael Jordan of chick-lit... You'll burn through it at the beach...

Well, under 100 days to the election and Mick Jagger- I mean Barack Obama continues to gather steam. And I love it. He's the greatest candidate to run for anything in my lifetime. But I'm standing by my statements: No way he wins. I like my steak medium rare Scott, with the mashed and steamed broccoli on the side...

Played some golf two weeks ago. While I always shit on the game, it was fun. A scramble really is the only way to go. But you have to agree with me that it completely sucks up your day. You can't do ANYTHING when you are done. And where are all the women on the golf course? A bar is still way better...

Great Top 10 List on joblo.com. It's about the best high school movies of all time. It's nearly perfect and I was so, SO happy about #2. That movie is just awesome and deserves some love. And who can argue with #1..?

Back to the Sox for a minute. While the Manny thing is sucking up all our time and energy, no one has said a single word about the two gaping holes in the Red Sox lineup. Jacoby Ellsbury (Johan who?), the novelty has worn off. Are you going to get a clutch hit? And The Captain... yes, I hate him and his flat top, but are you serious? I read that his VORP is in the negative, which means they are better off having a AAA catcher in his place. And can we stop the handling the pitching staff thing? I think that Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux won there 600+ games with a different catcher or two...

On September 23, both TV On the Radio and Cold War Kids have new albums. Think I'll be at Newbs that day? And CWK has a new song on myspace. Ridic. Something tells me you'll see them show up on my end of the year song list. Let's see if they have a tune that can unseed this years best song, "Le Ruse..."

And the year's best album? Easy. The Virginia EP by The National...

That's a cheat, since it's an EP, so I'll go Vampire Weekend. Put that on start to finish and you don't skip a song. Rare these days. And further proof that music is NOT the worst it's ever been Eric! You just gotta find the right stuff...

Shocking that Matt and Shayne Lamas from The Bachelor split up, eh? I always watch that show, but could ABC stop pretending that it's about people finding true love? Just embrace that it's about a bunch of people trying to get on TV and it would be a lot more likable...

Speaking of TV, I started to watch Generation Kill and it looks like great stuff. Wild place that Marine Corp. A gay joke every fifteen sentences. Races overtly hating on other races. Thankfully, it's a mini-series so I don't have to wait eight years to see the end. Now if only Mad Men were a mini-series, then maybe I'd watch. I'm sure it's great, it's just that my time is too precious what with my blogging, drinking, and texting Top Gun ("Get your butts outta that flight gear and get up to Viper's office... Now.)quotes at three in the morning...

Even more TV: Vinnie Chase and the boys are back September 7th. Don't care what anybody says about that show. I'll always love it, largely because I wish it were my life...

I swear, I won't flip flop on him, but it would be funny if Tommy Boy came out and threw like ten interceptions in his first four games on a way to a 1-3 start. It would be funny because the Pats would be 1-3, but what would be funnier is listening to all the Masshole Pat fans hate on Brady and blame his crappy start on his "Hollywood Life Style." That would make me like Brady maybe thismuch. Unfortunately, he's too damn good to have that happen...

I feel like the whole Budweiser getting purchased by a Belgian Brewery didn't get the play it deserved. How does this affect the good red blooded American? Will they switch to Miller or Coors? And how to Bud screw this whole thing up? This is a business fold of epic proportions and I still haven't heard how it all came unglued for Budweiser. Maybe it is because they haven't had a funny ad in 30 years...

Speaking of ads, cell phone companies have hilarious ones. That one where the Dad makes the lactose intolerant joke and the sons laugh is awesome. It can't beat the one where the two dudes are sitting at a table and one friend shows the other his lower back tattoo and before the sentence is finished, his friend across the table has him "out of his fave five and maybe out of his life forever." Hilarious...

I was thinking of going out on disability for the carpal tunnel I have developed blogging here in summer school. Anyone know some body building competitions I can enter..?

Raise your hand if you want Brett Favre sent to Siberia...

I've been watching a bunch of The Kingdom lately. While it has it's flaws, I feel it is a way better action movie than anyone gives it credit for. And watching Jennifer Gardner get her ass whipped (Literally. Whipped, as in thrown) around the room is awesome. Even more awesome is what she does in return. Such an intense scene...

Anyone hear the new tracks from Chinese Democracy yet? I heard one that was pretty good and one that was maybe worse than "Man In The Box." What do you think Axl is doing RIGHT NOW. I got money saying he is NOT rising early to greet a new day while eating an egg white omelette and watching reruns of 227...

Have any of you gone out to eat with old people lately? It's about as fun as a rectal exam. At what age do you just say "screw tact and politeness?" Is it 50? 55? I've said it once and I'll say it again. Hit me over the head with a shovel at 40 and spare me the agony. How long is the line for that honor..?

What's more delicious in the summer, a lobster roll or fried clams? More importantly, what's healthier..?

And along the lines of food, what is the price that cereal has to go to before we stop buying it? $7 a box? $8? $10? It's beyond insane. And it's not even that good. Or filling. And how much does it cost to make that box of Honey Nut Cheerios? Six cents..?

Last Batman comment... Last week Ty Burr wrote an unbelievable article about why The Dark Knight is currently the cultural phenomenon that it is. And he was dead on with a bunch of observations (you can read it on the right), but I'd like to add to it. I think that a huge part of the film is that males in their teens and twenties haven't had that movie experience when they can truly call a movie their own. They tried it with Sin City and 300, but upon further viewings, they probably (and hopefully) realized that both movies aren't good and so these said males couldn't make those films theirs. The Lord Of The Rings was a contender, but that was EVERYONE'S movie, not just theirs. We in the seventies and early eighties had Star Wars, Rocky, and The Indiana Jones movies. The child of the mid and late 80s was given John Hughes movies and even ET. The 90s brought us college boys Pulp Fiction and Seven and The Usual Suspects. Hell, the 90s even gave tweens their movie in Titanic. But it's been a long time since a film had a cultural impact and even if The Dark Knight is not that film, those born in the late 80s and early nineties are going to make it that movie. And, as a super fan boy nerd myself (of some movie that had characters named Fett and Solo), I can't hate on these cats, much as I want to yell at them for Nolan's attempt at making a Shakesperean Tragedy (just make it about Batman and the Joker dude! That was money!). So, congrats Kids of The Bush I administartion, you found your it film...

And lastly, big ups (and big, BIG good lucks) to my main man and brother, Mike. Wednesday and Thursday he takes the Bar. I know you're as nervous as hell Mike, but you're the snmartest person I ever met, present company included. You'll make it through. And if you don't there's always PBR and Monday in Central Park. And oh yeah, 35 years of working at BHS. Best of luck to my best friend...

The Worst Place On Earth

To steal a quote from my brother, I have more in common with people in Alabama than I do the people who go out at night in the bars and clubs at Faneuil Hall.

There is a awesomely hilarious website called Get off My Island (link to the right) and as you can see, it deals with riff raff (Guidos) on Long Island. I think it's time we start something similar here in Boston because I almost couldn't believe what I saw a couple weeks ago.

You would think I would know by now. I mean, I really should. But forgive me. I live, shop, eat, and drink in a neighborhood of people similar to me. Melrose High, despite its' lunacy, has people also like me (most specifically Phyllis Dragonas). The people at my Bally's, my friends (despite their horrific fashion sense), and my family all think and act pretty similar to me. They've seen No Country For Old Men, they like Hang me Up To Dry, they shop at Urban Outfitters, they like breakfast places, Starbucks, Anna's burritoes, micro brews, sushi, girls with bangs, t-shirts, assists, Barack Obama, living by the water, Netflix, and roof racks. And they get stuffwhitepeoplelike (or at least they better or they are not going to get that last sentence). So really, maybe I'm the sheltered one. Maybe I'm the one that needs to meet some new people. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get out there and enjoy a little culture.

And so it was a couple of weeks ago that I crossed through Faneuil Hall on my way to the North End. A few steps into Boston's number one tourist destination, I thought that maybe I had fallen down and woken up somewhere else. I felt like Michael Douglas in The Game when he realizes he's in Mexico. Only I thought I was in New Jersey. Or Long Island. Or maybe Revere, Everett, Saugus, Billerica, Methuen, Tewksbury, or even New Hampshire. And for a brief second, I thought I had maybe pulled a Marty McFly and ended up back in 2001 and my Delorean drove right into Waterworks.

But after realizing that none of the above had occured, I put it all together and deduced that I was in Boston. Liberal, progressive, Boston. Home of gay marriages, Harvard Square, Newbury Street, overpriced housing, and The Phoenix. The place where Matt Damon and Ben Affleck grew up. The place that invented Guitar Hero and Rock Band. The place where the DNC was just held and where Barack Obama had his coming out party.

But as I stood on the threshhold of Waterworks- er, Faneuil Hall- I realized that the Boston that I know and love is not the Boston that many people know and love. In fact, as I stood there taking in The Striped Shirt Army (thanks again Mike and Matt!), oggling the blowouts, and tallying up the gold chains and Ed Hardy shirts, I realized that Boston- the city of my people- might be filled with more dislikable people than I ever though imaginable.

I mean, where were the hipsters? Where were the skinny jeans and the Asics? Where were the Chucks, the Western Button downs, the beards (not the chin strap ones either), and the shag hair cuts? Where were the ironic cut off corduroy shorts? Why was I seeing so much gel and so many tribal tatoos? Why did everybody look... like fucking Massholes?!?!?

And then it hit me: Massachusetts is full of Massholes.

With the exception of a few pockets of Boston and a few outlying suburbs (of which Pepperell is not one), the state of Massachusetts is full of lots and lots and lots of absolute, complete, total chuckahs.

Some of you may have heard that I have a strict No New Hampshire Policy, but I am thinking of changing that to a No Past Melrose Policy (might have to be adjusted to Lynnfield) in the North and a No Past South Boston Policy for the south. But given some of the ass clowns down there, I might have to make that policy in the south a No Past Chinatown Policy.

Now I know. I am sounding like a complete and total snob/poseur/elitist/pompous douche but I really don't like Massholes. Especially when they are guys.

I don't like the Yeah Dude thing, I don't like The LA Looks styled hair, I don't like the white hats, I don't like untucked striped button downs, and I definitely don't like guys who want to get in fights. I used to think that Massachusetts women were way classier than the dudes and to an extent, I still definitely do. But while Masshole Chicks are certainly more fashionable (thanks Forever 21, for making inexpensive rip offs of the clothing from The Hills and Gossip Girls) and less outdated than their male counterparts, they are often not much better, what with their love of guys who wear white Polo hats. They can be just as Massholey and have you ever really listened to the Boston accent on a woman? You know, that really thick South Shore/North Shore one? It sure ain't good.

I realize that some of this may be chalked up to my age. Perhaps I'm becoming wiser to such ridiculousness. perhaps I was a lot more like the aforementioned dudes when I was 23. Perhaps I'm just morphing into a salty curmudgeon.

But what I do know is that I never liked Faneuil Hall. I never liked The Rack or The Purple Shamrock and while I did spend my fair share of nights at Three Floors of Whores, I do know that I always preferred the Burren.

And so as I stood in stunned silence trying to take the collection of Massholes stnading before me, I realized that Boston is just too small. It's too close to the suburbs and there is literally no other "city" to go for almost an hour in any direction. While Providence, Worcester, and Portsmouth are all fun, are you really driving to those places if you live in Wilmington, Burlington, Tewksbury, Reading, Dedham, or Hingham? No, you're not and so the only place you have to go is Boston. And since the only place you know is Faneuil Hall, then you are all going to end up in the same place. Fanueil Hall is like the Masshole Perfect Storm. It's a combination of every suburb within a fifteen mile radius and all the little subcultures that each of these suburbs bring. It's Hollister, Uggs with a denim skirt, over sized button downs, baggy jeans, tilted hats, bad tatoos, and Dustin Pedroia shirts all rolled into one. It's like the Masshole melting pot.

And I can't blame these people really. What should they do, drink at the Benigans in Woburn on a Saturday night? I mean, yeah, that would benefit me and my fellow wannabe, poseur Bostonians (I'm from Burlington! That's like when Sue said he was from LA and he was really from Anaheim!), but it's not going to happen. But that's okay because we have other places to go.

And it appears it is those other places that have really thrown me for a loop. Because I have been sheltering myself in the various squares of Cambridge and Somerville with the occassional foray into the line free bars of Beacon Hill, Fenway, Boylston, and The South End, I have forgotten that Boston is not really the city I think it is. And really, why would I think it is? We are always late getting to the party fashion wise, our go out outfits are often adorned with the Patriots logo, the women are often not attractive, and there is nary a cool LA/Brooklyn/Brit Pop band to be found. While we CLAIM to be progressive politically and socially, we are about as far behind the pop culture/coolness charts as... Little Rock.

And that kinda sucks. Because if you want to live in the city, but stay in the area, you have very few choices. It seems that other cities (this from the guy who never travels) have much more city like people socializing/going out in them. I mean c'mon, there's no way that a bar in The Village or Soho or The Lower East Side sees a dude with the same haircut the Gotti Sons made popular five years ago, is there? Does San Fran and Chicago and Montreal and Austin and Seattle and Paris have this problem? Do those places have their own versions of Massholes invading THEIR cities just as we Bostonians have an invasion of Skecher wearing goofballs invading ours? For their sakes, I really, REALLY hope they don't.

But as I drifted out of Faneuil Hall, headed toward my dinner in The North End (there's a WHOLE OTHER scene! Does anyone there use their inside voice when speaking in The North End?), my irritation subsided, because I know that Faneuil Hall isn't the REAL Boston. I know that I still have my own secret enclaves where I could hang out amongst MY people- meaning poseurish white dudes who are too old to be wearing concert tee shirts. I know there are "hidden gems" where the beards are on hipsters and not on guidos. I know the places where you can find the PBR on tap and Feist on the jukebox.

And as I walked out of The Worst Place on Earth, I looked back for the briefest second, just to make sure that I wasn't in Doc's Delorean. Because if I was in said time machine, I probably would have seen some dude in a bucket hat, Abercrombie shirt, and jorts chanting Go, Go U, Go UMass and screaming about what a great pick Kurt Warner was in the last round now that he was starting over an injured Trent Green. Loser.

Why Didn't This Happen Fifteen Years Ago?

I used to not like female sports reporters that much and for a long time, I blamed you Alice Cook.

When I was a kid, Alice Cook had a somewhat recurring role on Channel 4 Sports. I used to watch her "special" reports and I was never that into them. I felt like she was always talking about some marathoner who overcame cancer. And while these "feel good sports stories" occassionally get to me now (Josh Hamilton's story is wild), back then, I just wanted to see some out of town scores and highlights from George Brett and Cal Ripken so I could know who to draft on my "fantasy wiffle ball team" (why I didn't find a way to somehow capitalize on this now billion dollar industry pisses me off a bit) the following summer.

And so because of this poor introduction into female sportscasters, I have had a long standing dislike for them. I especially disliked these women in what I like to call the "dark days of my Alex P. Keaton Conservative Youth" when I hated all things not white male. I also didn't like that I had to suffer through years of television executives wanting women with "credibility" and so I had to watch the likes of Mary Carillo, Jackie MacMullan (a face made for print journalism) and Linda Cohn. I always wondered why they didn't trot out a Paulina Porizkova (I liked her in my pre teen years) type.

But there were also rationale, somewhat more concrete reasons why I didn't like female sportscasters. In my heart of hearts, I really didn't think women liked sports. They just said they did in the hopes that it impressed dudes (in the interest of full disclosure, I SILL think this and if you disagree with my hypothesis, then saunter on over to match.com and check out the number of redsoxgurlforlife screen names you'll see).

Then, it just shocked me that women wanted any part of this culture. To this day, I would love to know how much- in the alpha male world of professional sports- these women are looked down upon. So I often wondered (wonder?) why women would even want to get into the field. As our generation evolves into more free thinking, accepting culture, I truly hope that this doesn't happen, but given what I hear coming out of high school coaches mouths, I sometimes feel that the boys club that is professional sports will never allow any female constituents. What Lisa Olsen went through with Zeke Mowat and company is exhibit number 1A of how awful these relationships must be. I hope these relationships improve, but I get the sense that there will never be equality between the female sports reporter and the male professional athlete. In fact, it will likely always be at best a 70/30 realtionship. And I think you know who the 70 is in that relationship.

But, since we had that whole women's suffrage thing, the Equal Rights Amendment and blah, blah, blah, then we as a society HAD to grant women the right to be sportscasters and so it appears that women will forever and always be in this field. With that in mind, I guess I will have to rid my 1950s belief that women don't belong in sports and just accept it. And last night, while watching the home run derby, I decided that the TV execs have finally got it right and so not only do I accept women sportscasters, but I think I full on embrace it. Here's why: The people running sports broadcasting decided to just trot out hotties.

A decade or so ago, TV execs tried at first to give us professional women. They likely did this in attempt to show us that they were NOT part of the boys club and they were progressive and free thinking. Then they tried to give us kind of professional and kind of hot when they realized that the straight up professional chicks were garnering zero credibility and looked strictly like window dressing.

But now, those same execs have punted the whole idea of professional and just given us hot. And I love it.

This progression, which happened very quickly, was a four step process that went somewhat like this...

So As Not To Make It Look Too Obvious, Hire The Really Cute But Not Straight Out Bangin' Hot Like That Girl In Your Botany Class Sophmore Year Who Looked Like She Had Real Potential But Was Always Wearing A Sweatshirt: This category is made up of one person, Melissa Stark. I have absolutely no idea what she does now and a quick google search says she is out of sports. But she was solid and surprisingly unannoying. She was considered uber hot when she debuted, but that's because I think we were all used to seeing Armen Keteyian down there on the sideline and so anything blonde with boobies was going to look solid. But then TV execs decided to say fuck it, we're hiring...

The Cougar, Fairly Skanky Looking Women Who Were Going To Appeal To Middle Aged Men, But Still Not Be Good Enough To Be Accepted Completely By The Masses Because, While Hot, They May, Just MAY Have Gotten Their Jobs Because They Were Marginally Talented: These are Leeann Tweeden, Jill Arrington, and one of my personal favorite cougars (and a true butterface Franco), Jillian Barberie. While it was obvious that these women were put on TV because of their skanability factor, it was somehow excused by the masses because they gave them preposterous jobs like reporting the weather at football stadiums (Barberie) or doing a preview of The X Games (Tweeden). Also, while hot and skanky, they were a bit old and were almost caricatures of themselves (playing the role of the hot, dumb girl in on the sports thing) and so they weren't taken seriously. That's when the big wigs in the television industry said...

We Might Want To Tweak This And Bring In Some Women Who Are Hot, But Also Have Some Sports Background So This Whole Thing Isn't Looking Too Pathetic: That's when your Summer Sanders/Kathryn Tappen type came on board. They were solid athletes in sports that didn't command big money or big ratings (swimming and track), and they also happened to be cute. They were a professional step up from the aforementioned Cougs, but there was still something missing. And what was missing was total hotness. That's when the Head Honchos at CBS/NBC/ESPN/FOX/ABC said...

Fuck Looking Too Pathetic Or Obvious... We Are Hiring Former Beauty Queens Who Are Straight Up Hot And We'll Teach Them How To Act In Front Of A Camera And If We All Agree To Do This, Then All These Women Will Have To Be Taken Seriously And In Five Years Time, We'll Forget The Days We Even Thought About Trotting Out Peter Vescey: You can also call this Hot Sideline Reporter Collusion and the results have been on a local level Heidi Whatney and Julie Donaldson (who has shown us why it is not good to date a guy who plays SlamBall). Now, I'm sure at every single local affiliate there are two women just like Heidi and Julie (who are both not at all annoying and not at all painful to look at... I mean watch) because that apparently is the obvious trend. One of them out in LA was so good looking that Derek Lowe decided to ditch Trinka and shack up with said hottie. Apparently, the New York sports stations are also toting around these hotties and I bet they show up in Texas, Chicago, Philly, and every other television market that has a sports team.

It has been hilarious to see this brilliant change. It happened almost overnight and now these women are popping up everywhere and why not? I mean really, what took the TV Honchos this long to come up with this idea? Was Jim Grey really netting networks ratings? And even if these women have absolutely zero credibility and seem woefully out of place, do you even care? Are you even hearing what these hotties are saying? Do you care what they are saying? It's a genius change. And because this new breed of women sportscasters hold the traits desired by the more superficial man, I greatly applaud this change.

My days of hating Alice Cook are over. She was never the issue. What was the issue was my- even at the age of ten- wanting to see hot girls. And so in fact, I've come to like Alice Cook because I realize that she paved the way for hotties like Heidi and Julie. She's like the Rosa Parks of female sportscasters. And she helped me morph from a female sportcaster hater into a supporter of the group.

Now, if she could just some how get me to meet the crown jewel of female sportcasters, Erin Andrews, then I'd be really happy for her. I am still holding out for Megan Fox post dumping of Brian Austin Green (finally!), but she hasn't called yet. So after watching three hours of home run derby and spending a good deal of that time with Erin Andrews (watching her interview George Lopez in that dress at the celebrity softball game actually made watching someone interview George Lopez enjoyable), I've decided that she'd be a fine Future Ex Mrs. Coughlin.

If you can make that happen Alice, I'd be doubly happy with you. Thanks.

Nice Guys Finish First

I've never been in a fight. I've never gotten arrested or been sucker. I've never had a woman at a bar slap me or dump a drink on my head (although I would love to know what I would have to do to have this happen to me). I'm not that guy who strips down on the bachelor party bus and moons passerbys on 95 (I experienced this once). I'm not the guy who pounds Jack and jumps naked into the pool. I've never been kicked out of a bar or been refused entrance to a bar. In fact, I've never even been shut off (oh wait, I was at the 99 in Woburn), fallen off a stool or passed out at a bar. I didn't womit into a bottle like my friend did on his 21st and I've never thrown a bottle at the stage. I've never creeped out a buddies new girlfriend (at least I hope I haven't) or been that way drunk guy at a one year old birthday party. About the worst thing I've done is wear a deep V-neck shirt and comb my hair with a fork.

Even though I do none of this, I have found out recently that I am the guy that people get "nervous" introducing to other people.

In the interest of full disclosure, this might make sense if you've known me in my raging twenties. Politics, classic rock, and the awesomeness of Caddyshack, The Godfather, and the greatness of the NFL are a few areas that did (and still do- but on a much calmer, more sane(r?) level) get me wound up.

Now, by no means am I asking for sympathy. My friend Bri gets nervous introducing me to people who have like personalities as me, not because of my ideas or views. He sometimes feels that two strong personalities have difficulty co-existing. And my friends Waidehi and Steve always felt the same way. And I understand that my delvery is sometimes confrontational as when someone says, "my favorite band is Rush/Sublime/Led Zeppelin," my response will NOT be, "why yes kind sir/madam, those are fine bands and while I respect you and your vast knowledge of all things music, I must say that my own personal tastes differ from yours and my musical pallete does not enjoy the melodic sounds of Geddy Lee, Robert Plant, and that dead dude who sings in Spanish." What you will hear me say (with eyes looking skyward and the accent and volume increased for the last word) is: "Led Zeppelin absolutely SUCKS!"

Now, I have come to do most of this for fun. And at this point in my life, an over the top response in regards to the arts is almost expected from others. And I hope that new people see and appreciate this and maybe get a laugh out of it. I also hope that they quickly see that they can shit on my poseur indie rock music, my Baby Gap tee shirts, and my ever changing hair. Because sitting at a party talking about how Billy is now CRAWLING, that tragic fire in New Bedford, the price it took to fill up your Acura SUV, or the best sushi in town is boring. I want a bit more and since everyone likes film, music, sports, and books, it is always fun to talk about those- mostly because the garner very strong responses.

One area where I have worked very hard to improve me "conversation" abilities is politics. I try to see where people are coming from on the War in Iraq and why they prefer a flat tax. I completely understand people who are pro-life, pro-gun (that Supreme Court decision couldn't even get me angry enough for a blog rant), and anti universal health care. And although I am a liberal, I love getting the tree huggers going about the environment and why I think recycling is stupid (I really don't- I'm just not very passionate about it). I also hope that people understand and hear me when I talk about why other countries hate us, why scoial programs are good, and how ridiculous you sound when you say we should build a wall along the Mexican border.

But one area where I will never shut my mouth, where I will never be "the nice guy," where the veins will always bulge forth from my neck is when people display an overt hatred for people of other races, cultures, or sexualities than me.

Hating gay people and immigrants and using the words ni**er and faggot are not about conservative politics and liberal politics. They are about right and wrong, that simple. Of course, we have freedom of speech in this country and if people would like to hide behind that veil, then fine. But that's a weak argument.

But back to my original point. People are sometimes nervous to introduce me to new people because said new people might have hateful view of our races, cultures, or sexualities. And they might say words like ni**er and faggot. But it is not those people they are nervous about. it is me they are nervous about because they think- know- that I will say something. And they are nervous that people may say, "yeah know, I had a good time hanging out with so and so but that gerard guy was really an asshole. I can't believe he yelled at me for saying faggot and then he got mad at me when I said Barack Obama was a Muslim. He sucks."

Allow me to say that I have never once in my life been so happy to be so hated.

Because if I ever come to the point where I am NOT the guy saying something after the word faggot is dropped, then that is the time to shoot me.

But I know that this behavior of calling people out on their overt, masked in political leanings hatred will never grant me the title of "nice guy."

And I couldn't be prouder.

I've had the discussion about the phrase, "but he's a nice guy" with many people, many times. Think about how many times you've had a conversation like this...

"He's a crazy drunk, but he's a nice guy..."

"He sometimes tells a black joke, but he's a nice guy..."

"He says really inappropriate things with women around, but he's a nice guy..."

"He likes to get in fights, but he's a nice guy..."

"He gets hookers, but he's a nice guy..."

"He hates gays, but he's a nice guy..."

"He says towel head a lot, but he's a nice guy..."

Truly, I don't have a problem with a bunch of the aforementioned. We all have flaws. And in my eyes, great people can overcome those flaws.

But it is starnge what we will excuse and why. We will excuse all level of offensive and discriminatory behavior with all manner of excuses (he comes from a different generation, he doesn't know any better), but it's starnge thatintelligence, coherence, and rationality are not excused.

And I think that's why I never hear...

"Gerard defends his beliefs, calls people on their bullshit, does it in a coherent and articulate manner, speaks his mind, rebukes people who use faggot and ni**er, but he's a nice guy..?"

I never hear that because a nice guy isn't considered nice if they open their mouth.

"Nice" guys sit back and let people say what they want and don't rock the boat. Well, we all know what those bumper stickers say, but people who don't rock the boat rarely change things.

And if you are willing to change things, then you must be willing to never be called a nice guy.

And that's what I don't get. Why do we excuse things like homophobia, racism, misogyny, and other forms of hatred with a simple phrase like, "...but he's a nice guy?" Why do we say that we "can't chnge someone" or "they are who they are?"

Saying all of that and not bothering to fight the fight is fine. I completely understand why people choose not to respond when someone drops faggot at a party. It makes everything easier to not say anything. It offends no one. But for some people, it's hard not to say something and when we do decide to say something, we are often seen in less than positive light. And you'll never earn the right to be called a "nice guy."

I'm not asking to be called a nice guy. Because I'm not. And when I do speak up, I know I run the risk of bothering people and rubbing people the wrong way. But I never wake up the next morning regretting that I didn't say anything.

So don't call me a nice guy. Never said I was. But if you are not going to call me a nice guy, then don't excuse the unaaceptable behavior of others with the caveat of, "but he's a nice guy."

Because most likely, he's not.

Sue... Check It Out. It Is So On With The Rays Right Now.

We all know how awesome the phrase "jumped the shark" is, but is there an equivalent phrase we can use when we realize that very first moment that something great may be taking shape?

You know what I'm talking about. It's then moment when you realize, "Wow... This is awesome."

Take for example Michael Clayton. You are already rolling along, really into the movie and then they drop in that scene describing Michael's background and you realize what it is Michael Clayton does for the company and how ridiuclously awesome he (and in turn, the film) are. Or in Se7en, when Mills and Sommerset are stumped and they realize that a library card might work. They go meet some shady guy, they get some information and you say, "man this movie is good."

Or it can happen in music. You throw in Feist because you liked her first album and you liked what she did with Broken Social Scene and then you hear "I Feel It All" and say, "what the hell was that?!?" Same thing with a live band. You're sitting at a booth in Bills when some random band comes on, and by the second song, you've turned around. As the fourth, fifth, and sixth tunes are belted out, you find that you have vacated your seat and moved to the front of the stage. Next thing you know, you're spending the next 104 Thursdays in the back room of The Burren sining along to "Weapon" and "Baby Blue".

So in much the same way we use "jump the shark" as a catch all phrase ("my friendship with Larry has jumped the shark"), I think we need a similar catch all phrase to describe that moment we realize that something is awesome.

I think they phrase should be, "Wow. This movie just Red Sox/Rayed it."

Because over the past three nights, I think we just witnessed the birth of awesomeness.

Despite the fact that the Sox just got manhandled- and that it appears Jason Varitek is following the Jim Rice/Drew Bledsoe path of losing all athletic ability in the span of 7.6 seconds- by the Rays and are now 3 1/2 games out of first, I love this feldgling rivalry. And really, what's not to love because this Rays/Sox thing is so awesome on so many levels?

For starters, we finally have games against someone other than the Yankees to get impassioned about (and I've been waiting for this since the very first moment I spied a Jeter sucks ARod shirt on some chuckah with a barb wire tattoo). Maybe The Pink Hats and the yahoos will realize that there are MANY big games that go on during a baseball season, not just the ones against our neighbors from the Bronx. That's number one, but there are a litany of other reasons this is Rays/Sawx thing is money...

1. There's plenty of bad blood. And frankly, this goes all the way back to the early days of the Devil Rays when Pedro was plunking Gerald "The Ice" Williams and then calling him a baby after the game. Not to mention Coco and his Neo moves earlier this year.

2. The Rays are damn good. In fact, they are so damn good that they are better than the beloved Red Sox and the hated Yankees- for now. They have been flirting with offensive talent for so many years, but it appears they finally have put together a pitching staff as well. The Delmon Young for Matt Garza deal looks awesome, James Shields can pitch, and Scott Kazmir is a legitimate 1A ace.

3. They have a fat old guy who once had to go on the DL for an illness that was caused by a combination of too much dip, coffe, red meat, and booze. That guy is a Troy Percival and the aforementioned is a true story. And it wasn't even gout he had, it was some other illness. Couple that with the fact that he's a fat old guy now and what's not to like?

4. They have a great/hateable manager. Part of the reason I was always such a Yankee Apologizer was Joe Torre. Not only is he one of the most likeable men in baseball, but you get the sense that he was one of the most likeable men on Earth. Not so with Joe Maddon. He irritates the shit out of me. Those goofy Lisa Loeb glasses and that smarmy grin. I don't like him. I also don't like that he basically said they were going to throw at Coco prior to the game in which they did throw at Coco and nothing happened to him. Unfortunately though, he appears to be a great in game manager. And you know that David Ortiz shift you hate so much because it takes away twenty-thirty hits a year from Papi? That was first introduced to the league by none other than Joe Maddon.

5. They have some dilikable cats. Again, the Yanks were always professionals and while you could hate ARod, there weren't a lot of hateable guys on that team. The Rays? They have guys to hate aplenty and if you watched any of this series, you know what I mean. Now, because I love baseball first and the Red Sox second, much of what went on didn't personally bother me, but it should bother the masses. What was up with all the yelling and fist pumping the Rays did? Why was B.J. Upton celebrating a lead off homer like it was a game 7 walk off homer? And why were those bullpen losers were screaming and fist pumping after seventh inning third outs with nobody on base on June 30th? Now, I obviously understand that they are happy to be where they are, given their history, but c'mon boys. Channel a little bit of Barry Sanders and act like you've been there before. Or at the very least, realize it's still NOT EVEN THE ALL-STAR BREAK!!! Oh yeah, and then there's James Shields. He has a blow out and a pencil beard and looks like he belongs on the Jersey shore or at the very least, Waterworks.

It has been difficult getting back into the Red Sox after what the Celtics did and how they did it. It also has been difficult getting into them because it is still only July and we have been used to them automatically making the playoffs. But if you missed this series, well then that is too bad. And if you didn't, well then circle September 8th on your calendar because that is the start of six Red Sox/Rays games in the span of ten days. Maybe one team won't be in it, maybe neither team will be. But if this weeks series was any indication, then they will both be there and it will be fun.

Until then, bide your time by watching the boring, third place Yankees this weekend.

Somewhere... Somehow... Someone Is Going To Pay!

Because I work sixteen hours a week during the summer, I have even more spare time than usual. So what have I been doing with that time? Naturally, I've been sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels and watching movies I've watched a combined 6,981 times already. Sounds about right, doesn't it? And here's what I picked up on my five hour flipping fete last night...

Top Gun is awesome. I feel like this movie has carved a pretty nice niche into our pop culture but it should really deserves to be even MORE a part of our pop culture. There are so many great things about this movie, starting with the fact that there is absolutely no CGI and so the stock footage/stunts/models look so much better than what is out there today (watch the ridiculousness of Stealth to see just what I'm talking about). And then what's not to like about the gayest, non-gay moment in the history of films in the beach volleyball scene? Or how about the ludicrous emoting from Maverick ("I know better than that. I should never leave my wingman.")? How about that score? And a soundtrack featuring 80's gods Kenny Loggins AND Berlin? Then there's the Ice
sniffling/sighing/looking for the right words speech to Maverick ("Everybody liked him. I'm sorry."). If I had a myspace/facebook/match.com profile, I'd ask people to do their best Ice sniffling impression when they friend requested me. And if they have no idea what I'm talking about, then they are out. Bonus points if they do that bite thing...

I'm not sure why it is I root for Lindsey Lohan (probably because I find her ridiculously hot), but I really do want her to succeed. Piling on is fun (Bennifer, Britney), but when someone actually has a shred of talent (Mean Girls, Freaky Friday) and they still can't get it together, it's tough to watch. So i wanted to like Georgia Rule. But I didn't. It's to the point where Lindsey might have to go on a Travolta like ten year hiatus and then grab a Tarantino script and resurrect her career in true Vincent Vega fashion...

If Rounders were released at the height of poker four years ago, it would have been a legendary smash hit. Unfortunately, it was released six years too early and pretty much tanked in the theaters (why it did is still befudlling to film execs). That said, this movie holds up incredibly well and it is so simply/beautifully written. It's got interesting subplots and I can't believe how well acted it is (John Tuturro, Martin Landau, and Famke Jansen are awesome in their supporting roles) with Damon and Norton making two really easy, sort of generic roles very interesting. I love that everybody likes Mike McDermott except for his girlfriend. All this is missing is a performance from Gary Oldman as an over the top goon chasing down Worm. Speaking of Oldman...

Why don't they make straight up gun action movies like The Professional anymore? It seems that fan boys prefer the swords and sandals/kung fu actioneers and so the straight shoot'em up has temporarily died out (although Wanted looks like it has potential). The Professional shows that these movies TOTALLY need to make a come back. The opening and closing scenes are unbelievably choregraphed and fun. That last shootout has you cheering for Leon
like you've never cheered for a character before. Also cool is the fact that this is the only picture that Natalie Portman is NOT annoying and I love- as my bro pointed out- that Leon is not some sleek, suave killing machine. He's by no means a bumbling idiot, but 007, he ain't and then makes him even cooler. Bonus points for the awesome score that accompanies this pic...

Over on 341 was The Last Kiss. I know this sounds like sour grapes, but really, how does Zach Braff get movies made? Garden State was loved by critics, but watch this movie in two years and it will be laughably irrelevant and out of date. It'll be Generation Y's version of Singles and Reality Bites. Then Braff followed the worst movie ever with this piece of trash. How the hell did he get all these actors to sign on for this movie? Nothing about it is good, including the ridiculously unreal "male friends." They go through these painfully banal, trite "issues" that are almost too sickening and too contrived to write. And then I'm supposed to believe that Rachel Billson would really go for Zach Braff? She throws herself at him! And not to mention the fact that this movie almost (ALMOST) wrecked "Chocolate" for me...

On the direct opposite of the spectrum over on 203 was the perfect male Coming of Age pic, High Fidelity. Yes, I talk about this movie as much as I talk about The National (hey, how'd they work their way in here?), but flip to it and there is no way you flip away. Unfortunately for Hollywood, the haven't been able to re-create this male version of Chick-Lit (Dick-Lit?) and as much as Braff wants to be Cusack, he will never be him. But listening to Rob obsess about his ex-girlfriend having sex with another man ("I didn't like Ian much then and I fuckin' hate him now!") and dump all over himself is both hilarious and cathartic. Forever a classic and one that will never be repeated. Unless Hollywood would just take on my manuscript of course...

Speaking of cathartic, The Break-Up came along at a time in my life where I was at a... Crossroads shall we say? And some scenes in it still ring powerfully true. But this movie most certainly IS NOT A comedy and it should never have been billed as one. Sure, I laughed when Big T (he'll always be Big T) played Madden with Aniston's date, but I certainly wasn't laughing when Big T blew off the concert or listened to his best friend (Mikey!!!) tell him what a disaster he was. Not that I know anything about being a disaster...

Over on HBO was another book that was made into an awesome movie, Little Children. Here's another movie I rarely turn off. I love that the narrator from Frontline shows up almost as much as I love the performance of Jackie Earle Haley. Think this guy walked into the casting call, went to open his mouth and the castting director just waved s/he's hand and said, "Congratulations! You got the part?!?" Has there ever been a dude more ready to play a pedophile? And why does Kate Winslet look so homely in this movie? Was that done on purpose? And if you haven't seen this movie, it ranks about an eight on the miserable meter, with one being Hoosiers and ten being Requiem For A Dream...

Checking in at a nine on the miserable meter is Leaving Las Vegas (how it avoids a ten I really don't know. I just know that it's one point less painful than Requiem). Imagine being a couple out on their first date and you see this? What's the conversation afterwards? Do you risk saying you liked it and potentially scare off your date? Do you make a joke about how
uplifting it was? Or do you turn and say, "Wow. I thought my drinking was bad." There are so many scenes in this movie to make you one cringe and it also has a horrific rape scene. Any chance we could have a moratorium on rape scenes in movies for awhile? Is there anything worse? I'll take a dog death or fingernails being ripped out over the rape scene any day. Unless of course, it's one involving Marsellus Wallace because that paved the way for this line: "Yeah, we cool. Two things: one, don't tell nobody about this. This shit is between me, you, and Mr. soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain rapist here. It ain't noboby else's business..."

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum checking in at a two on the misery meter is Commando. Like Top Gun, what bad can you say about this movie? Schwarzenegger spends the first half of the film wearing a suddenly super trendy again henley, avoids death by "smelling them coming," disarms a man by simply ripping a gun right from the said dudes hands, breaks someones neck in a crowd of 250 people without anyone noticing, falls hundreds of feet from a plane with nary a rolled ankle, convinces a flight attendant to join him on a whirlwind trek to find his kidnapped daughter, rips out a car seat, beats up all the security guards in the Mall of America, hoists an occupied 2000 pound (I just googled it) phone both over his head and chucks it, smashes into a tree at 70 mph sans seatbelt and lives, holds a man at arms length over a cliff without struggling at all, eats a green beret for breakfast, stealthily robs a gun store by smashing the door down with a bulldozer (not to mention knowing how to drive a bulldozer), wipes out an entire army by firing from the hip for twenty minutes, uses Skil saw blades as throwing stars, all while toting around the perfect body. Then he kills the dad from Clueless, beats up a dude who's wearing an outfit gayer than one you'd see on the Village People, and saves his daughter. Oh yeah, we also get a gratuitous Arnie-In-Speedo shot (are you kidding me with that back Governator?), some of the best unintentionally comedic one liners ("I love listening to your pissant soldiers trying to talk tough"), the same stunt man being killed countless times, a wide selection of guns (perfect for the gun crazy 12 year old that I was), a guy getting electrocuted only to have it invigorate him, and the best tagline in cinematic history. This movie is so laughably bad that it's just... Awesome. I seriously might have a separate post just about the greatness of this film. And you know what? I take back my opening sentence. This is a one on the misery meter. No way Hoosiers makes me more happy than Arnie firing an M-16 with one hand...

And I wrapped up my five hour movie hopping night with one of my all time favorites, Se7en. And listen, it's more than just Brad Pitt. I know I've written about this movie before, but I just can't take its' perfection. It is by far the best thriller ever made and the fact that Silence of the Lambs gets all the accolades frustrates me greatly. My boy Bri one time told me that in sales and marketing, you have to be the first in (And he's right. Is there another low carb beer you know other than Mich Ultra?). Silence was the first in. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best because Se7en is way, way better. Both stand the test of time amazingly well (as thrillers often can) and I love this movie because there is no way I would have ever written it (you'll always be my boy Andrew Kevin Walker). It's a relatively simple idea, but one that is done to perfection. It's hilarious in spots (note the glass of wine the uncouth Mills pours for Sommerset), the love story is completely believable, and the end is. unlike anything we have ever seen in the history of movies (yeah, I said that. Debate me on it.). Not to mention the fact that Pitt, Freeman, Paltrow, and Spacey act the shit out of this pick. I understand that not everyone is into film as much as me and when I recommend a film to someone I always ask one question: Is there any way said film could have been done any better? Because we always have some problem with some film (Pulp, one of my favorites, could have cut down the Butch/Cab driver convo and Swingers is looking quite dated, but no less great these days). But Se7en? Absolutely. Perfect

Well, I should get back to work here. I think I have some Yahoo! games to play. Or maybe I should check the listings for films I can flip through tonight while you take care of the children, prepare dinner, or do something far more valuable with your time. But if you have a sec, flip on over to the 200s. They certainly make my $175 a month cable bill worth it.