Merry Christmas

Recently, my bff Bri and his wife had a baby girl, Anna. She is phenomenally cute and when I went to their house to see her (which was really a cleverly disguised plan to watch baseball and drink beers with Brian), they let me hold her. I was shocked. I half expected the state to march in and file a 51A on Brian and Judi for them allowing my useless ass to hold their newborn.

After some awkward moments, I managed to hold little Anna in what appeared to be a comfortable position (I even supported the head) and she eventually fell asleep in my arms. But then she woke up and started to cry and I handed her off as quickly as Ty Law handed the drugs to his cousin at Niagra Falls.

Then, there was the time when I entertained my friend Scott and his wife Jen's son Parker, by engaging him in a light saber battle and having him bash me on the back until the saber made a cool sound. I remembered from my Introduction To Child Rearing class that, as the adult, I am supposed to DISCOURAGE violence, not condone and support it as I did with Parker.

My point with these two stories is that I don't know much about raising children. In fact, I know nothing. Well, almost nothing. I do know that in this annoying holiday season, we should all try our best to fight through the irritations and make it a special time for someone important to us. Maybe we should make it special to our children, our brothers, our sisters, our parents, our wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, or best friends. But the point is, we should all try to make it special for someone, somewhere.

Because I know someone did that for me and I'll never forget it.

Some years ago, when I was a cute, charming, innocent little blonde haired boy (okay, the part about being cute, charming, and innocent is a complete dramatization), I remember having a hissy fit (trying to remember all of my hissy fits is like trying to remember all of the numbers after .14 in pi) and stomping upstairs in a fit of rage. I was alone stewing on the couch while my mother and sisters were downstairs wrapping presents. To this day, I cannot remember what the hissy fit was about, where I stewed post hissy fit, or even what year it was. I was probably 8 or 9. Maybe I was 15. Actually, I was probably 27.

But I do remember that in the midst of my brooding, my father came by with his jacket on and said, "Hey, get your coat and shoes. We're going somewhere."

Since I was the same kid with a No Dads Allowed sign on my door, I entered into this journey with a great amount of trepidation. But, like any kid having a fit, the idea of "doing something" was tempting and since I hadn't listened to Nirvana yet, my angst hadn't reached it's full stubborn potential. So I went.

I clearly remember walking outside. I don't remember which boat sized, American made car of the week I got into, but I do remember getting into the car (and NOT buckling my seatbelt. My dad was never much of a stickler for the rules) and hearing my father ask, "Know what we're doing?"

I didn't and the tantrum that I had thrown just 134 seconds ago was long forgotten and so I asked, "Where?"

"Stocking shopping," was his reply.

And so we went Stocking Shopping. And it may have been the most fun experience I have ever had in my entire life.

First, we stopped at The Town Grocery where I got some "fancy" mints for my mother and a whole bunch of pal gum for my little sister (neatly wrapped in a small brown paper bag). I also remember getting a Fun Dip because when I was with my dad, I could get that flavored sugar. My mum would have never allowed THAT. I got a whole mess of other stuff, but can't remember what it was for the life of me.

We then took the long, two mile drive down route 3A to hit the CVS that still sits in the Crossroads Plaza. I can remember so perfectly driving by the common and all it's lights. I always loved the common lights, but I felt that they went by so quickly. Well, they didn't this time because my father decided to take TWO whole loops around the common so I could take them all in. He even offered to walk around, but I turned down the idea because I wanted to get back to our shopping expedition.

Eventually (and by eventually I mean 9 minutes later), we reached the CVS where my father let me pick out whatever gifts I wanted for our family. I grabbed some really nice $.99 nail polish for both my mother and Julie. I got some perfume (I think the scent was sewerage) for the both of them. I also bought some gloves for my mom (Isotoner rings a bell). I wanted to include Mike in the mix, so I got him a matchbox, even though I felt he was too young for them. I picked up some "fancier" (isn't the Whitman Sampler really fancy?) candies for both my sisters and my Auntie Kay (she too had a stocking at the Coughlin house) and then we departed. But I remember being devastated that we didn't get anything for Molly. I guess CVS didn't market toward 5 year old girls.

We then left CVS and I ran across the intersection with a bag in one hand and my fathers in the other. When we got in the car, I remember telling him that I didn't get anything for Molly.

"Don't worry," he said. "We still have one more place to go."

And did we ever.

After our CVS run, we went to the Crown Jewel of my father's retail world: Paperama.

I'd been in Paperama before, but usually with my mother. I never had the unlimited credit line that I had that night with my father though. And I don't know how much I ran up. I probably thought it was some exorbitant amount and it most likely wasn't. Even if it was, dad wouldn't have cared. He never cared about stuff like that.

Back to that shopping experience. I was OBSESSED with finding something for Molly, for I had gotten her nothing more substantial than a cherry (back when you liked cherry, Molly) Jolly Rancher stick. I went all over the store and everything I saw said 6 and up and Molly was 5, so I COULDN'T get her something that was for a 6 year old (if I had known that 1. Those labels weren't a constitutional amendment and 2. Molly was the most precocious 5 year old ever, then I would have gotten her WAAAAAAAAY more stuff). Eventually, I found a sweet pop up book and the memory of that book is so clear, that I know I could pick it out of a lineup if I had to.

After we concluded at Paperama (that's Ramapaper to dad), we headed back home. On the way back, my father may have mentioned something about my tantrum, but all of that was a distant memory, for a had just gone stocking shopping. With the American Express Black Card no less!!!!!

At home, my father and I ventured downstairs to the "wrapping table" and my father and I wrapped our various knick knacks. I can vividly remember a snow man porcelain figurine (if I got this as a gift now from one of my students, I'd regift it at a grab in a second!), some nails files, a stuffed teddy bear (I managed to find Molly something else), but other than that, I don't remember much. I remember being at that table for what seemed like a life time. And I remember never wanting it to end.

In later years, dad and I went stocking shopping again and it was always fun, but it was never as fun as that night December night in 1984 (or 85? 86? 96?- Wait. I was drunk that night).

I have lots of other great memories of Christmas at the Coughlin house. Crying when I got Atari and claiming that that particular Christmas with the 2600 was "The-sniffle-best-sniffle-Christmas-sniffle-I-sniffle-ever-sniffle-had!" The Millenium Falcon Christmas. The new bike under my own PERSONAL Christmas tree. The Crossbows and Catapults Christmas. The Christmas of my Teac 5 Disc Player. The big Panasonic speaker Christmas. The Christmas my family waited until 4:30 for me to get home from work.

And I remember many things about my father from Christmas. The ghetto gifts stocking stuffers from DeMoulas. The six pack of Bass. The scratch tickets. Him holding the trash bag in his 1960s maroon robe.

A lot has changed in my Christmas life since then. We've tried to make it special. It still is. But something is always missing. And I forget many memories that I assumed I never would forget.

But I'll never forget that Christmas when dad took me stocking shopping. I can't remember one thing I learned in biology in high school, I can't remember May 24th, 1996 (the night before UMass graduation), and I can't remember what I had for dinner Monday. I can't recall my age the night of stocking shopping, the gifts purchased, or the night of the week we went. I don't remember whether my dad let me wander or if he with me the whole time (in actuality, he probably dropped me off and went to Ma Newmans). But what I do remember is the feeling I had. It's a feeling that has stuck with me forever; one I have sitting here typing this.

It was the feeling of being the most special, important, happy person in the world. I had the greatest dad in the world and there wasn't a person alive who was having Christmas better than me.

And it was my dad who made me feel that way.

So when the season gets really hectic, and the traffic sucks, and the lines are long, and the cookies burn, try to remember that for someone, somewhere, you are making this season a very special time. In fact, you are very likely making it a time they will never forget.

Because I know someone- probably without even knowing it- made this time of year a time I will always cherish.

And that someone was my dad.

So do the same for someone special in your life this holiday season.

Merry Christmas to all.

Especially you dad, wherever you are.

Where Have You Gone Napoleon?

Before we get down to business, let me tell you one of the pratfalls of being a teacher: Predicting the snowday.

Like anything else, the cancellation of snow due to inclement weather has evolved. We get automated voice mails and text messages the minute it happens. Back in the day though, I had to watch the bottom of the screen and wait for my town to come up. You'd see the list scroll through..... Medfield, Medford, Melbourne Academy (Now, you'd be thinking, "Yes, YES! It's gonna happen!"), Methuen.....

Wait, no Melrose? What! This has to be a mistake!

I'd check other channels, but in the end..... No Dice. I had school. And now I was late.

It was like betting in college pre-internet, pre-satellite TV. Then, you had to go over to Headline News and watch the ticker to see if your team covered. That was actually fun. Sometimes, you'd get wrapped up in the story about a family who lost a loved one on a river in Denver or something. But eventually, your team would come up (usually my team won 24-20 and didn't cover the 4.5 point spread) and you'd get your information. But watching for the snow day is much less fun. Because the night before, you always made "the call."

What is "The Call." It's simple. Should I drink or not?

And this past Thursday, when it was snowing like it we lived on Hoth, I made the fateful decision of getting really drunk. Went to dinner. Crushed a few beers. Went to another bar. Drank some more. Watched the snow come down. And at midnight, I walked out of the bar and I saw..... No snow and perfectly drivable roads. So then I knew that I had to call in sick.

But before I did that, I had to call my friend Scott who I was driving to work the next morning. Well, I guess I should have remembered that in the year 2007, you can save messages. I haven't heard it yet, but apparently, I was rambling, apologising profusely, and being..... Well, drunk.

My point? I'd love to know if there is technology whereby you can put a voicemail onto a blog page, because that would be awesome to have.....

Catching up on a few issues..... Or as Bob Ryan might say, Emptying Out The Blog Desk Drawer Of The Mind

I was actually going to defend my favorite sport this week with a 5000 word entry (par for the course) in the wake of The Mitchell Report and then something funny happened..... Nothing.....

The one sole interesting nugget was the Clemens bit, but really, is anyone at all surprised that he took steroids? I love that we have bashed Bonds all these years as he crushes offensive record after offensive record, but yet we praised Clemens as maybe the best pitcher ever, or at least the best one we have ever seen. But lest you forget, he WAS consistently called the greatest pitcher ever, given what he did in this ridiculously offensive minded era. But now, we all have to call him a "cheat," just as we have called Barry one. Why did we never before? You know what I think. But hey, race still isn't a problem in this country, is it?

Other than than, what on the list was surprising? I was shocked to hear Todd Hundley took steroids the year before he hit 41 homers. Eric Gagne on roids? Shocking. Before he was the best closer in baseball, he was an out of shape starting pitcher with a career ERA of four and a half. And Lenny Dykstra on roids? I thought he got those forearms from lots of reverse curls.....

I'm excited about Charlie Wilson's War. But can it do what so many of this years war/current events couldn't do and that is make money? It's actually a sad statement on our country that NO ONE went to see In The Valley of Elah or Lions For Lambs as they were quite well reviewed. Many people go with the "It's To Early" excuse for these films, but I think it is something else. Back in '03 when the war machine sprung alive, you may remember that 90% of the population gave the green light to war and so now we see that they are wrong and so would going to these movies prove that they are wrong? Would it be some weird acceptance of their collective miscalculation? Because no one likes to be proven wrong. Speaking of being wrong, Titanic turns Ten this month.....

I know many of you have orally heard this rant, but Superbad was superterrible. It gets an amazing 75 on metacritic and I just do not get it. There was a 35 minute piece of the movie where you literally DID NOT LAUGH. It was almost like the writers had this great idea, but couldn't make it two hours and so they put in the ridiuclous character who backs into to the fat kid. Why was he in it? And then there's the host of the party? He was not good. Screenwriting 101 tells you NOT to introduce random characters if you are not going to use them later (actually, it says if you are going to introduce a gun in act I, then it better show up in act III. But you get the point). Just cut those scenes. That would make the movie shorter and tighter. And then a 75 may have been appropriate.

Further, why are people consistently calling these movies "a wild, raucous, romp?" They are not that! They are chick flicks with a bunch of dick, fuck, and masturbation jokes. Wow. So original. I used to hear those in middle school. I actually think it is harder to make a PG or PG-13 comedy because you can't fall back on saying fuck a bunch of times or having someone use "new" hair gel. That's what makes Napoleon Dynamite so perfect. Same with Ferris Bueller's Day Off and even something like Dumb and Dumber ("Samsonite! I was way off!").

Also at least with a movie like High Fidelity or Love Actually (two movies that are so, SO well written), they are SOLD as chick flicks. But they also happen to be funny. So it frustrates me that critics "sell" Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, and Superbad as hilarious romps when all they are is chick flicks. I really wish they'd bring back the true nonsense comedy like Austin Powers.....

A few tunes I either forgot, were tough cuts, or I just heard are Sad, Sad City by Ghostland Observatory, Icky Thump by The White Stripes, Rockers To Swallow by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Big Girls Don't Cry By Fergie (Yeah, you read that right) and In Transit by Albert Hammond Jr......

I've seen a lot of movies this year, but I realised that it may be a very, very long time before we have another year like 2006. In case you have forgotten, 2006 had Pan's Labyrinth, Babel, Little Children, The Queen, the hugely underrated Inside Man, Letters From Iwo Jima, awesome Half Nelson, Borat, wicked fun Casino Royale, Brick, The Lives of Others, The Last King of Scotland, awesome Miami Vice, Hard Candy, Dave Chapelle's Block Party, Notes On A Scandal, The Illusionist (please, please, PLEASE see this..... I'll say no more) the best horror film ever The Descent and one of the all time best films ever made, United 93. See any or some of these and you will NOT be disappointed. Especially see Inside Man. It gives you faith in filmmaking as we know that to make a great actioneer/thriller/twisted plotter, you don't need to remake a film or do a sequel. And I didn't even mention Inland Empire, which I haven't seen yet and The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine, which both sucked.....

I know we're all Jennifer Love Hewitted out, but more disconcerting than her ass was her arms. Girl, don't you know that you can judge whether you'll be a good long term investment by the size of your arms? And did anyone notice the age she got married. 28. Further proving my Magic 28 Theory. And if you don't know that, there will be a blog soon about it, only the women who read this might never talk to me again after I post it. Not that that many women talk to me anyways.....

Dan Shaughnessey wrote a really fun article about things that are perfect. It was great to remember/look up some of them (The last paragraph of Gatsby REALLY IS perfect). It also got me to think about some things that are perfect, like chocolate shakes, my Darth Vader Christmas ornament, Ray Allen's jumper, Dave Matthews singing the chorus to "Crash" live, Mark Ruffalo's performance in You Can Count On Me, the lyrics to The Features "Someway, Somehow," Junior Griffey's catch in Yankee stadium, NHLPA 95, Antonio's Pizza, Cameron Diaz in that pink dress in The Sweetest Thing, the ridiculousness of Red Dawn, Sangria outside in the summer, The opening of Paradise City, Brooke Burke during her Wild On days, and Shaugnessey's article. You can read it here.....

www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/articles/2007/12/09/zeroed_in_on_elite_company/

Video games are awesome. However, I often talk to my brother that sports games have actually gone DOWNHILL because they got too realistic. My boy Chuck Klosterman (he, along with Pitt, Beckham, Clooney, Matt Beringer, Leo, Ruffalo, Manny, and Peter Gammons are all my boys, they just don't know it yet) wrote a great piece about it (I can't find the link or remember where I saw it, but trust me, it was good!) and I agree with him. Bring back the days of the overly fast clocks from Sega Hockey (or even Nintendo Hockey) and just play. NBA Jam for Genesis had the same idea. Games take 5 minutes, you can talk tons of trash, and eight guys can have turns at playing over the span of an hour. But if you still like a fun video game, you gotta get Buzz Trivia for PS2. It is so fun. It comes with it's own buzzers, a seriously diverse amount of questions, and a simple format. Go get it.....

Rolling Stone, you've officially lost my subscription. They released their "Best of" issue and while it has some good stuff on it's song and movie list- including a hilarious Manny reference- it is worthless because it does not put Boxer on it's top 50 albums of the year. But it does have Linkin Park and Brittney Spears. Yes, I'm serious. However, I think they may have plagiarized from me. I have no link to it again (further proof of Rolling Stone's worthlessness), but I had it first. You even saw the date on the blog.....

I've noticed that I've now had 18 entries in my magnificent blog and none have been about politics. Probably because our political system is so aggravatingly stupid. But I will say this: If he Democrats nominate Hillary, they will lose 70-30, no doubt. And it is difficult figuring out who worries me more: Huckaby or Romney. If either wins, this country is awesome. At least I'll still have my blog. And stellastarr* will have a new album by then.....

Heard of the movie Juno? Well, it's getting huge buzz. And it's written by Diablo Cody. And guess where she got her start? Blogspot baby! It's gonna happen. I know it.....

Let's Not Try To Figure Out Everything At Once.....

Well, I may as well start the first of the "End of The Year Lists."

If you read Entertainment Weekly, I can tell you that I was so mad at Stephen King for stealing some of my thoughts (He did this once before when he wrote some book called "Cujo" which I totally thought of before him). But anyways, here are the 39 (In honor of Mike Greenwell) songs of 2007 that you absolutely need to download. That's a mere $32.61 and it is money well spent, because you won't regret any of these selections. They are in order and I tried not to have any repeat bands, (although I had to break that rule on a couple of occassions because some singles were just SOOOOOO good). Plus I cheated twice, but we'll get to that. Also, I've got to thank my boy McLoughlin and my little Bro Mike for introducing me to so much of this music. In fact, I half expect to challenge my brother to a music light saber duel and hear him say, "The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master."

Hey, at least I still introduced you to Pearl Jam back in the day kid.

Let the debates begin. Or at least, I hope I'm important and controversial enough to start a debate (And yeah, it's long. I'm doing my best Bill Simmons. So shut up, grab a beer and read away).....

39. "You'll Never Catch Him"- Buffalo Tom: Torch Singer and Sodajerk it is not, but a good solid tune from a good solid band. Plus, they be old, which I am slowly but surely starting to appreciate.

38. "Last Light"- Matt Pond: These guys lost a few spots for being ass clowns in concert, but you can't deny this song. I wish the lead singer didn't take himself so seriously. He makes Chris Martin look like Will Ferrell.

37. "Apologize"- One Republic: The first of the debatable selections. I'm sorry to say that I heard it at a high school dance (not my own) and liked it. Plus, the lyrics are awfully sincere. ;)

36. "The Moneymaker"- Rilo Kiley: A Black Crowes tune this is not. It's the first of my many female entries on the list. It appears I'm going soft. But try not singing along to the chorus. And Spin magazine had a great piece about them that will make you like them more.

35. "Your English Is Good"- Tokyo Police Club: A great catchy little jingle for your iPod. I'm sure it'll show up on The Hills sometime soon, if it already hasn't.

34. "My Brooklyn"- Jay-Z: As the say in the biz, what a hook. Definitely the best song on a solid, if unspectacular album. I wanted to put a Kanye tune here, but Stronger was the best song on the album and you probably already have that downloaded. Not that that rule will stop me later, but consistency was never a strength.

33. "Bodysnatchers"- Radiohead: Let Down it is not, but that opening distortion filled/synthesized riff is incredible.

32. "Hollywood"- Collective Soul: No, you are not taking a trip back to 1993. And yes, I put the band that had the lyrics, "Whoaaaaa, Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down!" ahead of Radiohead. But a list is all relative. Roger Ebert gives Die Hard four stars and No Country For Old Men four stars. Does that mean they are equally as good? No, but when you factor in expectations...... And with that in mind, what expectations do you have of Collective Soul? Exactly. And so this song will surprise you.

31. "Universal Speech"- The Go! Team: You can't go wrong with so many songs on this CD. Keys To The City, Titanic Vandalism, Grip Like A Vice. They will all help you power through that run. But I'll go with this one, just because it has the patented Go! Team cheering section.

30. "Missed The Boat"- Modest Mouse: Not as good as the last album, but when almost all the music stops and you hear Isaac Brock sing, "Tiny curtains open, and we heard the tiny clap of little hands," you remember why you love Modest Mouse so much.

29. "Electable"- Jimmy Eat World: Yeah they're emo. Yeah they're cheesey. But if you don't know that I love cheesey, then you should immediately stop reading this blog because you have no idea who I am. Another great album from my boys who will one day write an album called, One Tree Hill, The Lost Tracks. You can't go wrong with Carry You either.

28. "Paper Planes"- M.I.A.: More chicks! If this song doesn't show up on every Christmas party playlist you attend this holiday season, then your hosts have no idea how to get a room moving. After enough cups of eggnog, everybody will be singing "All I wanna do is....."

27. "Signal Fire"- Snow Patrol: More cheese from G- Money! I have such a soft spot for these guys. If they didn't show up on KISS 108, there wouldn't be near the backlash there is to them. They can't help writing great music. And this one- while no Hands Open or Chocolate- is great. And youtube the video. So good.

26. "First Time"- Lifehouse: May as well get ALL the cheese out of the way now...... And thanks for showing me this one Gees.

BIG FAT CHEAT #1!!!!! "Who Knew"- Pink: Who knew (I'm so clever) that this song was over a year old? Not me! Stephen King's list (why am I using him as the model for an end of year MUSIC list?) had ANY song he heard THIS YEAR! I thought that was cheating. But I did it anyways. I love this song so much. I wish it came out in 2007.

25. "Better"- Regina Spektor: Not only am I clever, but I'm progressive. Another woman. While it was Fidelity that got most of the airplay, this is the better song.

24. "The One You Wanna C"- Prince: Nice bounce back with this album. This song is so fun. Drop this on your holiday playlist and you (and the guests) won't be disappointed.

23. "Honest James"- Thurston Moore: Who knew an old dude from a band I don't like very much would bust out one of the most heartfelt tunes of the year? Great stuff. And I'm glad you put away the distortion pedal Thurston.

22. "All My Friends"- LCD Soundsystem: The slow build of this song is incredible. It's long, so it won't be for everyone (I'm talking about you McLoughlin), but it's especially nice for the middle part of that long run you're on.

21. "Can't Believe A Single Word"- VHS or Beta: Another really solid disc. This is the first single, but it's the first single for a reason. And the reason is that it is awesome. Definitely download this if you are new to the "alt rock" scene as it's super friendly and super catchy.

20. "Whatever"- Elliot Smith: I wish I could say I got to the Elliot Smith party pre Good Will Hunting, but I didn't. Since then, I have purchased every album and I can't get over how good he is. "Whatever" fits right in with the greats like Angeles, Speed Trials, Coast To Coast, and Pretty.

19. "Chips Ahoy"- The Hold Steady: What a song!

18. "Missed"- Rogue Wave: "Lake Michigan" is getting plenty of play from that Zune commercial, but "Missed" is phenomenal. The lyrics and vocals are simply stunning. If this doesn't show up at the end of a Grey's episode then I'll eat my hat. Download it. You won't be disappointed.

17. "Tears Dry On Their Own"- Amy Winehouse: Yes, you sang "Try to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, NO!" all summer, but this song straight up gives you the chills. It's right out of the 60s and it could have shown up on any Vietnam film's soundtrack. I hope you get it figured out Amy because you're ridic.

16. "Patty Lee"- Les Savy Fav: I owe this one to my bro. Never heard of this band in my life, but as soon as you hear that opening riff, you'll be hooked. And what harmonizing.

15. "Hard Rain"-The Shout Out Louds: A HUGELY underrated band (go get "Very Loud" and "The Comeback" off of Howl Howl Gaff Gaff) came back with an awesome album. It was tough picking one from here, but I went with this. It's long, but the changes and the just right amount of jamming make it a tremendous song. Honorable mention goes to "Tonight I have To Leave It."

14. "Under The Gun"- The Killers: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it was a B Side from years ago, but this year marked the first OFFICIAL release of the song. And yeah, I know this version isn't as good. But shut up. This is as great a 2:31 of the year as you'll find. I gotta give in to Brandon Flowers. I often want to punch him, but he did nice work here.

13. "Thrash Unreal"- Against Me!: Ba, ba, ba, baba, ba, ba, baba, ba, ba, ba..... If he don't tap your foot along to this song, then you don't like fun. Another solid all around album by the way.

Side Note: Against Me! is the second band on this list with an ! in it's name. Who woulda thunk?

12. "Radio Nowhere"- Bruce: The best Bruce song since "Tunnel Of Love(Go ahead and fight me on THAT one! I know some of you hate Tunnel. I've never heard lyrics weather time better in my entire life so shut it)." And is there anybody alive out there?

11. "Lazy Eye"- Silversun Pickups: Yeah, FNX played it nonstop, but ask yourself. Have you EVER turned it off? No way! I can't wait for more from these cats.

10. "Atlas"- Battles: Just getting in on the top ten (I'm sure Battles was really sweating this out) and not higher because of it's length, this has to be one of the most polarizing songs on the list. Some of you will hate it. But you will run VERY FAST when the last 2:45 kicks in. And there's no way you can hate this video.



9. "Is There A Ghost?"- Band of Horses: How could a band, who I dislike very much, possibly create this song? Many of you know I love the crescendo(and believe me, this isn't the last time you'll see "crescendo" referenced) and this song absolutely crushes it. Makes me actually want to see them at the Dice next month.

8. "Back In Your Head"- Tegan and Sara: There is nothing better than hearing a song for the first time and going "Who is this?" Although I knew them from their previous disc, I was annoyed by them. Like the band above, who knew they'd crank out one of my favorite songs of the year? And no, Marissa, I don't like it because of the lyrics.

7. "No Cars Go"- Arcade Fire: Speaking of Bruce, how could a Canadien band with a church organ, accordian, and flute literally BE Bruce Sprinsteen? This song is incredible. You'll shout out that "HEY!" in your car, I guarantee it. And it isn't the last you heard from these guys.....

6. "Fans"- Kings Of Leon: It pains me to put these guys here because the lead singer is such a wanker, but man, what a song! What decade did it come out of? What genre is it? It' so good. And it may have been even better in concert. Definitely a must for that $10 iTunes Gift Card you get.

5. "On"- Bloc Party: These guys have been my boys since "Banquet" absolutely destroyed me three years ago. Lots of people were down on their sophomore album, but I love it. It's chalk full of unbelievable songs (The Prayer, Uniform, Sunday) and I should probably actually put "I Still Remember" in this spot (it is my ringtone), but the four people who actually read this blog probably already know "I Still Remember." So I'll go with this absolute gem. A chills song, no doubt.

4. "Apartment Story"- The National: Not since my days of listening to Appetite in Mike Archer's car in 91-92 have I loved a band as much as I love these guys. This disc (Boxer) is full of gems. At number four on my year end list, you'd think this is their best song. But it is not. But get it anyways because it's better than 95% of what's currently on your iPod. And if you're a high schooler whose actually reading this, then it's better than 100% of your iPod. You could put Mistaken for Strangers and Start a War on here too, but I didn't want to saturate the list with The National.

3. "I Feel It All"- Feist: Absolutely one of the best things to come out of 2007. While 1234 might be catchier and was certainly more popular, it is this gem that is the pick of the CD. And it has the best line of the year ("I'll be the one who'll break my heart"). If this performance doesn't give you the chills, then you aren't alive.



2. "Keep The Car Running"- Arcade Fire: Remember when I said earlier that there is nothing better than hearing a song for the first time and saying who is this? Well, the only thing better is hearing a song and saying who THE HELL is this? I remember hearing this at The Blue Shirt Cafe. Some dude making my sandwich had an advanced copy of Neon Bible and I almost DIED when I heard it. Talk about Springsteen. And this song is 3:30 in length. And if you listen to this song while running, you might complete two miles in that 3:30. That's how fired up this song will get you. Enjoy.



BIG FAT CHEAT #2!!!!! "Hang Me Up To Dry"- Cold War Kids: I swear this song came out this year. It had to. Or maybe I just heard it late and I'm not the music maven I once thought I was. Either way, if you've never heard this song, click below and look out. And if you have heard this song and don't like it, then we can't be friends. I'd prefer you to tell me you campaign for Mitt Romney or something. If you don't like this song, please don't tell me. Just keep it to yourself. I'm serious.



And the moment you've all been waiting for.....

1. "Fake Empire"- The National: Seriously, I can't say enough about this band. Not only have the released the two best albums of the past five years (Alligator in 04 and Boxer now), but they are lights out in concert. There is no "playing what they want" or opining onstage about the war in Iraq. They rip through all their best tunes (while sipping wine mind you) and close with either Mr. November or Abel (two old songs that immediately need to be downloaded by you). They are just phenomenal. The lyrics. Matt Beringer's voice. The harmonizing. The perfect amount of jamming. The fact that they are old. The musical arrangement. The picture perfect crescendo. The Piano. The horns. I get so giddy I can't even write. Whatever. I can't even say anymore. Just see it for yourself now.

Oh. My. God.

Is Your Money On This Guy or Axl In a Fight?

Sorry this took so long. Between the drinking and the drinking, I haven't had time to blog. Plus if you can believe it, I've actually had to do work at work. Never a good thing.....

Anyways, how funny was that last story? Clooney vs. the Faabinator? Are you serious? And so that got me to thinking..... What battles would be just as comically worthless? What would I love to see, if for no other reason that laughing really hard. Well, Icame up with ten battles that are on the level of clooney v. fabio. Granted, it's not very timely since that Clooney story is now a month old, but I started this awhile ago and wanted to finish. The next one will be better.....

1. Steve Mirasolo v. Andre The Giant (The living version)- I love my boy Steve. As he will tell you 9 seconds afer meeting him, he is state znd new england wrestling champion (Of course, this is coming from a guy who still references his Class of 1992 Best Dressed Superlative). But really, what could he do against Andre? He'd certainly be talking a ton of trash and saying how he's gonna "tah the shit outta ya roof Andre!!!!" He might also pull out his tooth in an attempt to distract The Giant. And yes, Steve would have some quickness but Andre would just wear him down with hilarious lines like, "Anybody want a peanut?" And like the Clooney/Fabnio thing, no one is rooting for Mirasolo, not because we don't like him, but because we all love Andre.

2. Jay Z v. Ini Kamoze- Jay Z is the self proclaimed greatest rapper alive. Ini Kamoze is the guy who wrote a song titled, "Here comes the Hotstepper." What do you think Ini is doing as you read this? Tarring Mirasolo's roof?

3. Tom Brady v. Hugh Millen- Remember Hugh Millen, the quarterback during the darkest days that any franchise has ever seen? Before Madden Football became the cultural annoyance that it currently is, it used to be just another game for Sega Genesis. It wasn't nearly as good as NHL 95. But I do remember playing it with The Patriots once. I think Leonard Russel was their running back. As it just so happens, Hugh Millen was the teams quarterback (both in real life and in the world of pixelization). Hugh Millen had an overall rating of 17. At 5'10", 185 pounds, with 7.4 forty speed and hands of stone, I think there is outside chance that my overall rating might be higher than 17. I zip passes to my brother in the living room and I once took the wonderlicht test (online) and did well. So I might definitely be an 18. So really, imagine him coming out right now and saying Brady isn't that good? Imagine him telling us that Brady is "not a man." Awesome.

4. Led Zeppelin Fans v. The Eagles Fans- Who cares who wins this? I just had to write about two bands who I hate so much and are so irrelevant somehow being relevant again. But seriously, don't you want to meet the people buying and then actively listening to these albums? And wouldn't you love to get in on an Eagles/Zeppelin debate (I'm not sure why this would happen, but then again, Andre The Giant is dead) and listen to the pearls of wisdom that the fans of these bands would be disseminating? Do Eagles fans meet in chat rooms and discuss what's better, this new album or hell freezes over? And do Zeppelin fans discuss the cultural importance of a song about Lord of the Rings?

5. Michael Scott v. The NAACP- Nothing needs to be said here..... Just imagine sit back watch, enjoy, and feel eerily uncomfortable.

6. Anton Chugrh v. "The Don't Taze Me Bro" Guy- "Anton! Anton! Don't taze me bro!" Anton's response in calm, creepy voice, "I will not taze you. Taze is not a weapon I have." Then he slaughter house airguns him in the head.

7. Jonathan Papelbon v. The President of Mensa- Ever hear Papelbon talk? I mean seriously, have you actually listened to it? He makes up more words than George Bush. On Letterman, Papelbon used Bedazzle as an adjective as in, David Ortiz is a bedazzler." Think that's a question on the Mensa Test? And why does it always seem like he's yelling?

8. Bill Clinton v. My Mother- This would be the world's most enjoyable political debate. My mother hates no human more than she hates Bill Clinton. My mother is also not really as intelligent as Bill Clinton. She would just start yelling about illegals and then segue into how Clinton is responsible for all the problems in America (she really thinks that he is responsible for all of the problems. Seriously. From Staph infections to the inability of Willie Parker to hold onto the football, she thinks Clinton is responsible). So, I'd love to see him turn to her and say, in his calmest most sincere Arkansas-esque tone, "I like you Jane. My wife is responsible for developing a health care program that will allow you to live til 103 and torture your children forever." Then my mother will love him.

9. Boggs in The Shawshank Redemption v. OJ- Wouldn't you love to see OJ running around the film room, trying to get away from OJ? That would make all clips of him playing golf and searching for his wife's killer much less irritating.

10. Axl Rose v. Diamond David Lee Roth- It be awesome if these two just duked it out, both verbally and physically. You'd have Diamond Dave doing Scissor kicks on Axl's head and then you'd have Axl chucking microphone's at Diamond Dave. And what do you think they'd wear to the bout? Would Axl go kilt or white Spandex? Does dave keep the current haircut or does he go back to the Hulk Hogan/Chris Kaman balding mullet? I can't believe that MTV show Celebrity Death Match never came up with this.

Bonus: Me v. Zach Braff or Dane Cook or Curt Schilling or Judd Apatow- There is pretty much nothing I'd beat them at, but I'd like to battle them in that American Gladiator Joust game just so I could get a cheap shot on one of them as i'd cheat and swing right before the bell rings. That would make me really happy. Plus, it would all make you happy to see me lose to these guys and then cry like the Ravens. Which I hardly ever do.

Don't Worry My Man, I Got Your Back

In case you missed Access Hollywood or TMZ this week (I know you didn't Franks), there has been an ongoing feud between George Clooney and Fabio. Yes, that's right. Fabio. Is feuding. WITH GEORGE CLOONEY (I hate when people write in caps but I just had to do it here. And you'll see it again by the way.)!!!!!!

I do not ordinarily find the tabloid goss all that exciting, but I have been tracking this nugget as closely as Frank Drebin tracked the would be Assasin of Queen Elizabeth.

Why? Because truly, this is nothing short of the most amazing tabloid story of 2007 and it is not getting near the play it should be.

For the uninformed, this all started about three weeks ago when my man George confronted Fabio for disrupting a dinner he was having with his girlfriend of the moment. Fabio responded with this verbal tirade:

Actor Fabio has branded George Clooney "a low-class scumbag" after allegedly insulting female diners at a Hollywood restaurant. The romance icon stunned diners at the swanky Madeo eaterie when he exchanged fighting words with Clooney on November 2. But Fabio insists he was defending guests at his charity function and was forced to take action when a female dining companion complained Clooney called her "a fat cow." He says, "(George) was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him. So I went to the table and explained to him that we were having a charity dinner and I said, 'You're more than welcome to come to my table and see if there was a picture of you.' I apologized and he started being rude so I put him in his place. After I put him in his place - you know I'm three times his size - he got a little scared. I went back to my table and as soon as I sit down he paid his bill, got up and he started insulting the girls. He called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant. You have to be a low-class, scumbag to start calling a woman a name. If you're a man, you should never. You should be a gentleman. These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He's not even half a man."

Sidebar: My favorite part was when Fabio said he "put him in his place." How did he do that exactly? By showing George his iMDB page and pointing out that he has been on Arli$$ and Hollywood Squares and George hasn't been? Or did he do this by taking off his shirt and challenging my man to a push up contest? My second favorite part is when Fabio says he is "three times his size." I didn't know Fabio was the same size as a small horse. And lastly, I love when Fabio said "he (Clooney) was lucky he ran out of the restaurant." Picture George, ditching his girlfriend and fleeing the place like Constanza leaving a birthday party when a fire erupts. I digress.....

Back to the task at hand.

I would not enjoy all of this so much if it were Johnny Depp and George Clooney fighting. No doubt, the gossip world would be abuzz with the tale of those two legends battling, but not me. That would be entirely unfun. This is a hoot. Instead of being in a tizzy about a Depp/Clooney clash, I'm abuzz about a Z list celebrity somehow making it into the tabloids by calling George Clooney a scumbag (also hilarious is that Faabs called the 21st century icon a scumbag, a word ordinarily reserved for high school drug dealers and creepy mall security guards). And so I ask you.....

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU FIND THIS AS HILARIOUS AS ME?!?!?!?!?

I mean, you have an academy award winner, who acts, writes, and directs- all in tremendous fashion- battling it out with the man who has Farrah Fawcet's hair. My man George is routinely lauded as one of the greatest guys on the planet. He publicly says that he is a disaster to date and gets away with it; he is hilarious; and he always seems to be having a good time. If he were to run for president in 15 years, he'd win. He is the 21st Century's James Dean, Marlon Brando, John Wayne, Paul Newman, and Robert Redford. All rolled into one. And I'm not exaggerating here. He is that talented. He is the man and don't tell me differently.

So honestly, can you think of a funnier, more lopsided feud ever? This is like the Celebrity version of Tyson v. McNeely, Jordan v. Ehlo, Sox v. Rockies, or OJ's Dream Team v. Clark/Darden. And there are probably FEWER people rooting for the Fabio than those who rooted for the Rockies. I mean, at least Colorado had a major urban center supporting them. Whose supporting Fabio? George could have gone over to his table completely unprovoked cut Fabio's hair with a steak knife, taken a dump on Fabio's girlfriends chest, vomited in Fabio's Mai Tai, and given Fabio a beaker in the balls and everyone would STILL side with Clooney.

And Fabio. You should have let this one go Fabio because you are now more of a laughingstock than you ever were. And there were some low, LOW times in your life.

Here's one example.....

In 2004, there was a short lived reality show called Average Joe. Average Joe was the story of a cutie named Larissa who had to choose between hunks and average "Joes". Naturally, she choose the hunk.

But Larissa had a big surprise. And when the show concluded, she wanted to tell her selection (he was called Gil) her "big secret." Well, her big secret was that she dated Fabio for two and a half years (Now, I could have an entirely seperate blog about Larissa. It would be titled, "Who Decides It Is A Good Idea To Date Fabio?" Or it could be called, "Hello, My Name is Larissa and I Think It Would Be A Really Good Idea to Date- For 2 1/2 Years- That Guy Who Graces The Cover of Harlequin Romance Novels."). I suppose if I dated Fabio, I would keep this a secret as well. Only I would keep it a really, REAL secret as there is no chance in hell I would tell people that I dated Fabio.

Anyways, after hunky Gil gets this informtaion, he dumps Larissa. Right there on the spot. He freaks out and says that he can't date her. The next day, Gil announces publicly that he is not with Larissa and the reason is that her ex-boyfriend is Fabio. You might see where I am going with this..... If you don't well then, let me explain to you. Actually, let me explain it to Fabio in an open letter.....

Dear Faabs (I'm assuming we're boys),

Hey, heard you were fighting with George Clooney. That's a good decision Blondie, and do you know why? BECAUSE A GIRL WHO ONCE DATED YOU WAS DUMPED BY A NO NAME DUDE WHO NOW WOULD PROBABLY KILL TO GET A CINEMAX LATE NIGHT PROGRAM!!!!! Let me say this again Faabinator.....

SOME NO NAME DUDE DECIDED YOU WERE SO AWFUL THAT HE COULD NOT DATE A GIRL WHO HAD EVER DATED YOU!!!!!

What does that say about you Faabs? I mean, I get it if Gil dumped said girl for dating me because then her sanity would definitely have to be questioned, but aren't you supposed to be some sort of star, Faabs? And yet Gil STILL decided that the girl was so worthless that he couldn't date her. BECAUSE SHE DATED YOU!

You know what this also says Fabio? That you should not be publicly bashing one George "Dean/Brando/Redford/Newman/Wayne" Clooney because NO ONE IS GOING TO SIDE WITH YOU!!!!! WE ARE INSTEAD ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!!!!!!

Or at the very least, I am.

Respectfully Submitted,

Big G

PS: Stay tuned for Part II- arriving soon- in which I discuss the ten feuds that would be ALMOST as funny as this one.

Quite Possibly The Best 57 Seconds Ever

You've got to love the internet. You can find anything. Even old commercials.

When you think about it, there are a lot of great commercials out there. I'm serious. There are. And given the amount of bad TV I watch, no one should be more familiar with commericals than me. I like a bunch of those AT&T ones where the signal cuts out. And I laugh at some Geico ones.

But yes, there are a plethora of absolutely horrible commercials. Who exactly, is laughing at the Bud Light commercials? Perhaps it is the same people (read: Idiots) who laugh at The Scary Movie/Epic Movie unfunniness. And any commercial that has a jingle in it is not good. That said, they are certainly EFFECTIVE as who doesn't know who to call for your car glass needs (1-800-64-GIANT for those of you who had a pepple smack into your window this morning)? But few commercials are truly memorable. There are some you probably fondly remember (Where's The Beef? was funny in its day. Bo knows was legendary.), and some are more hidden gems (The Globe, "I can't believe I slept through Saturday"). But there are few that you actually take the time to look up on the internet.

However, there is one I constantly look up. In fact, it's favorited on my computer.

The commercial is now eight years old and deep down, I think it is why I have owned Jettas for the last seven years. It's called The Big Day and it first appeared during the 2001 Super Bowl and it could have easily slipped past you. There is no talking, no humor, and very few images of the product being sold. It does have a fairly memorable track to it that is still frequently downloaded and discussed on various message boards (yes, I have visited a message board that 's subject is a car commerical. Just add it to the ever growing list of things that make me an ass clown), but that is really the only sound. The rest has to be figured out by you, the viewer.

What this commercial does is tell the greatest, most passionate, most heart wrenching 57 second love story ever. This commercial does what so few films have ever done. TV shows that have dragged out relationships over ten years (I'm talking about you Ross and Rachel) have not done near as good a job at portraying the passion, regret, and emotional intensity of this under one minute slice of ridiculousness.

Really, I have tried to understand why this commerical destroys me. Maybe I wish I was one of the characters. Maybe I wish someone would do that for me. Maybe I feel so terribly for the groom to be and his I-Knew-It look. Maybe I feel so joyous for the bride to be and her I Knew-You'd-Come look. Maybe it's her sigh. Maybe I wish I wrote it. Maybe I connect with the Dad, who wants so badly for his daughter to be happy. Maybe I know what it's like to be stuck at a train stop when you have to be somewhere. Maybe it's the tagline. Maybe it's that I've never done anything remotely as brave as what this man does. Or maybe it's simply because I'm a sap. But somehow, I don't think it's that. It's something else. I hope you feel it too. Because then I'll feel like less of an emo kid.

But whatever it is, I hope you like it, because I do. Very much.



And by the way, I'd love to know your favorite commercial(s). So post a comment, because given all the stupidity we watch, I might be nice to watch something enjoyable.

Be Very Scared Of This Man

Much has already been said about the greatenss of No Country For Old Men.

Let me say a little more.

In a day and age where there are so many terrible movies (P2, Bratz), lame sequels/remakes (Hostel, Halloween), animated movies (Finding Bee Shrekatouille), let downs (Knocked Up, The Departed), and extremely average movies (American Gangster), it is so pleasing to watch something that absolutely blows you away. No Country For Old Men is that movie.

You HAVE to see this movie. It's metacritic scores are off the charts and rightly so. It will not be for everyone, that's for sure. Your average American Moviegoer likes their films all neatly wrapped up and explained, so if you are your average American Moviegoer, do NOT see this movie.

But if you want to see a film that is virtually perfect in every sense of the word, then go see this film. It is what makes a trip to the movies still one of the most enjoyable activities a person can partake in.

I like the Coen Brothers, but I by no means bow at the Ethan and Joel Altar as many do. Fargo is awesome. O Brother Where Art Thou? was overrated. Ladykillers is a shut off. But with No Country For Old Men, they have achieved filmmaking perfection. I really cannot explain how good this movie is.

By now, most of you know the plot and if you don't, go read about it on metacritic. Like I said, the plot will annoy some people because so much of it is unexplained. I'm glad it will annoy people and that will help me make a decision as to whether I like you or not (not that you care). But safe to say, if you you don't like the "unexplained" parts of this film, then you can join the dudes who get barb wire tatoos on their upper arms in the pantheon of people I hate.

The fact that none of this is explained is awesome, because the film is not about the drugs or who wants them and why. It is about Llewelyn Moss and the unfortunate luck he has to find a briefcase full of 100 dollar bills. But again, it is more than just that.

A movie ceases to become a movie when you forget that it is actually a movie (that is either the most nonsensical or pretentious thing I have ever written/said). I frequently say that a movie is just so unbelievable when you look back on it and say, "wait, that was just a movie." This happens infrequently, but in recent histroy it has happened with Sideways, United 93, Before Sunset, and Children of Men. There is nothing better than getting so wrapped up in the characters that you forget they are fake and written for the screen. Sometimes, a script makes the characters seem so forced and so trite that you KNOW they are made up, almost as if they came from a film writing 101 class (the chuckahs in Little Miss Sunshine immediately come to mind). But when the charcters seem so real, that is when a movie is great.

And that is exactly what No Country For Old Men has done. 24 hours later, I am sitting here wondering what has happened to the characters in this film. I am hoping that no one ever meets Anton again (I'll get to this momentarily), and I'm wondering if Tommy Lee Jones will ever be able to live with himself. I'm even wondering about the gas station attendant who was in the film for about 6 minutes (six of the most tension filled minutes in the history of film by the way).

I'm also wondering how a more perfect film could have been made and I can't think of it. There are these long stretches of complete silence that are simply amazing. The fact that The Coens had faith in their script and their actors to allow these scenes to happen is so complimentary to the viewer. There is little (if any) music used in this film and you realize what a powerful (and again, hugely complimentary) tool this can be. You can create tension without a scary soundtrack telling the viewer that they are supposed to be tense or scared or sad. And there is no word better to describe this film than tense. There is one scene so chilling and taut that I literally punched my brother because I just couldn't take it. It was beyond brilliant.

Which brings me to the best part of this movie.

Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh (with Aunt Beru's haircut and the calmest, iciest voice of all time) is the best villain I have ever seen in a film. Ever. And this is from a guy who loves Darth Vader. I was literally scared to walk into my house thinking that Anton might be there, ready to whack me. And why would I be scared of him you ask, seeing as I did nothing to him? Well, ask that same question to the five people who also did nothing to Anton who are now taking the dirt nap.

The fact that a movie can make you so scared of someone seems preposterous, I know, but once you see this movie, you will know exactly what I am talking about. Anton really is scarier than Hannibal Lecter, Michael Myers, The Crawlers, Jaws, Linda Blair possessed, Norman Bates, and that thing behind the dumpster in Mulholland Drive combined. He is pure evil and the fact that anyone who comes into contact with him dies makes him all the more evil. Combine that with his relentlessness, invulnerability, and inability to be reasoned with and you have nothing short of one of the greatest charcaters ever put on the silver screen. And this is not hyperbole.

So you need to go see this movie, just to be horrified. But also appreciate it for the craft. I have never taken a film course in my life and other than the fact that I THINK I know about film, I really know nothing about film. But what I do know is this movie is super entertaining and perfectly crafted. I claim to be a movie snob as you all know, but I hate a lot of pretentious crap. I can be on the side of Average American Moviegoer when it comes to the crap put up by Jim Jarmush and Vincent Gallo. David Lynch can also be annoying, as can David Cronenberg. But you HAVE to appreciate No Country For Old Men, even if you've never liked an art house film in your life. To me, this film was almost the anti Departed. The story was simple enough to be enjoyed as entertainment, but it also had so much going on that you could sit at a coffee shop (okay, you're right: Bar) for hours and discuss it. I won't do that here, but you may see me on an IMDb board doing just that. I will say that it told you plenty, but left a few things to the viewer (which The Departed did not do). It challenged you as a viewer, but made you crack up (Tommy Lee Jones' deputy is a hoot). The symbolism and biblical references were mind blowing and then the tension and action made the two hours fly by. It pushes you to come to your own conclusions, but then has the best sound you've ever heard in a movie (who knew a shotgun could be silenced?). It leaves you asking questions, but makes you feel so much for the central protagonist. It's perfect.

Oh yeah, it also has a guy who will make you check under your bed before you crawl into it tonight.

Surprisingly, I Have No Opinion Of This

Before I get to today's topic, three entries from the world of Boston sports.....

I can finally breathe now that BC has lost.....

I find myself WANTING the Patriots to win- and many of you can call this a classic Coughlin flip flop- but here's where I am consistent: I have always said that the NFL's "parity" line is bunk. There is no parity in football. There is in fact, more in baseball. And the fact that the Patriots will go 19-0 and Tom Brady will break every meaningful quarterback record further proves my point. Parity, like Communism, works great on paper, but there is no such thing, so stop using that word.....

Raise your hand if you thought the timing of ARods announcement was pitiful. I know you are all raising your hands. So for those of you who ripped awful ARod (the greatest player in the history of the game) please be consistent and rip a guy who, on the day of the Red Sox celebratory parade releases a list of the 12 teams he'll play with and then tells us all about the "personal" letters he wrote to his teammates. Yes, this is one final, last rip on Shonda's husband. As if I needed further proof that everything is always about him, I present you with the worthless and utterly selfish antics of this ass clown. Letters are wonderful. They are super personal. I have letters that I have shared with no one and hopefully, letters that I have written have only been seen by one pair of eyes. What I have never done is write a letter and then talk about how awesome I am for writing this letter. Worthless, worthless, worthless. Enjoy Tampa Mr. Shonda. I'll be sorry to see you go because you will drastically decrease the topics I have to write about.....

Now, on to more enjoyable things. Someone recently told me I have an opinion on everything (it's been almost 34 years and somehow, no one has mentioned this to me). But safe to say, this statement is true. I feel it makes me who I am. It is also what drives people absolutely crazy about me. In my older, wiser years, I have tried to express my very strong opinions in a more clear and rationale way (and by that I mean less yelling and insulting of others). But there are still some subjects that bring out the worst in me and over the pass couple of weeks, a few people have pushed those very worst buttons on me and I have turned into Angry Gerard, which I have been trying to avoid.

So, it got me to thinking. What can I talk about at bars/cocktail parties/emails/happy hours that I will NOT have an opinion on? What are some generic, neutral issues that can be discussed where I will not offend/annoy/condescend people? I thought about this since my last post (so I've been thinking about it for awhile) and I managed to come up with the 20 things that I have absolutely no opinion on. And since the year is wrapping up and I love lists, you will probably be seeing a variety of posts where I opine, very strongly, about sundry different topics. So consider this a gift. You will get no opinions here and no one will be offended (well, maybe hunters and die hard Andy Garcia fans). And if things start to get testy at a bar with me, just shout out one of the following topics and I will go take a pee and you'll all get a break from my loud, annoying voice.

1. Rice: I get rice on my burrito. It's nice. I also like the hot rice from Sugar and Spice. But my brother made delicious burritoes at home and they had no rice and then Sugar and Spice forgot to give me my rice order once. Both times I was completely fine. And I never order it as a side when I go out to eat. But yet I make it at home when I feel like it. So rice is good, but I'm fine without it.

2. Worcester: People say Worcester is a dump. Ask a kid who went to college there and they want to blow it up. But I've been there a couple of times and it was fun. I've even seen a few good shows out there and had a couple of delicious meals. At the same time, I'm not driving out there on a Saturday (unless I'm coming to visit you Paige!!!!!). But it's certainly better than say, Haverhill. Or Methuen. Or anywhere on the South Shore. So I'll go to Worcester, but if it somehow disappeared from the map, it wouldn't really affect me. Of course, Paige, you and Jen would be in Florida on the day it disappears, so you'd still be alive, which is good.

3. Cigars: People love a good stoogie. I think they love more the sort of male bonding ritual of stoogies. I like them, although if I smoke a whole one, I get nauseous. Of course, I get nauseous riding in the back seat of a car, mostly because I'm a pussy, so that doesn't mean much. But when someone offers me one, I have a very rare reaction: I shrug and say, "Sure, I'll take one." But if I walk by a bunch of my friends smoking stoogies and they have none for me, I'm not upset. But if they are smoking stoogies AND talking about fantasy football, then I'll be very upset.

4. The Environment: Sorry Al Gore, it's one liberal issue I just can't get in a tizzy over. I recycle. In fact, my kitchen is full of empty beer bottles waiting to be recylced. But it doesn't light a fire under my ass. I'll be dead before it's an issue. Besides, I kind of wish that global warming would come to fruition tomorrow, because then we'd live in a post apocalyptic world, which excites me. I know that sounds weird, but it excites me because I have this weird feeling I'd be the Mad Max of this new world. In reality, I'd probably get killed by a falling iceberg.

5. Chicken, Ziti, and Broccoli: Always a staple at functions/parties. I eat if its there, but I often pass on it. Part of me likes it because it is the only thing my mother made that was remotely edible (after I dumped a pound of pepper on it). But I'm never making it at home and I'm never ordering it out. But I'll come eat it at your house if you want to make it for me. Just don't put mushrooms in it.

6. Hooded Sweatshirts: It seems everybody loves these. Try not seeing 150 of them some Sunday morning at Soundbites. I own one of them, and I wear it all the time, but I wear it because it says UMass Amherst on it (Sidenote: I wish Harvard and UMass had different colors, because I always see people wearing Maroon shirts/sweatshirts that are clearly college shirts and I get really excited thinking that a fellow Minuteman is around, but then I realize it is a cat in a Harvard shirt and I immediately feel inferior). But I just don't have the passion for hoodies that some people do. Belichick clearly likes them more than me.

7. Clue: I love board games (Life, Scrabble, Stratego). I hate board games (Cranium, Pictionary, or any other game where I have to rely on inept teammates). But Clue I couldn't care less about. It's a cool idea, but if I open a closet door at your house looking for a game, I'm not grabbing the Clue. That said, I'd play if you want. I did, however, like the film, largely because I liked the girl dressed in the French Maid costume.

8. Sam Adams: I mean, really, what did that revolutionary do...... I'm kidding. I'll drink an Oktoberfest, no doubt. But there's much better local micro brews (Harpoon, Ipswich, Tremont) and there are worse (Gearys..... That shit is gross!). So push aside that White Ale and pass me that #9 you got in your fridge, but please don't even think of giving me a Rolling Rock.

9. The View: Everybody talks about this show. I want it to fire me up. I should hate Elizabeth "The Nazi" Hasselbeck. But I don't. I find her completely irrlevant (maybe because she's married to the lesser QB and was as boring as light mayonaise on Survivor). And I should love Rosie, but I find her not overly entertaining. So what's the big deal about the show? I've watched it a few times and it's not bad. But it certainly doesn't take up space on my DVR. Is Star Jones still on it? I heard she's a lawyer.

10. Andy Garcia: Would you ever say, "I'm DYING to see the sequel to Jennifer 8 because Andy Garcia is in it?!?!?!?!?" Of course not. But is he as overrated as DeNiro or as nauseating as Zach Braff? Nope. And is he as money as Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo? Not even close. Quite frankly he's just..... There. I wish he were in a really cool movie like Oceans 11, where he could really make an impact and be memorable..... Wait a minute..... Wasn't he.....?

11. Iced Tea: "Hey Gerard, you want an Iced Tea?" I won't ask what else you have in your fridge and I won't say no. I'll drink it if you offer it to me. But I would have drank the lemonade if you offered me that too. Now Ice-T on the other hand.....

12. Deer: They are cute. They've had some good scenes in movies. That scene in Stand By Me was awesome. And wasn't there a funny deer scene in a Spade/Farley movie? But I don't get overly upset when one gets shot. Yes, I do have a strong opinion on hunting (which can be summed up in one sentence: Who the fuck hunts?), but it's not some much about the deer (sorry animal rights activists). I make fun of hunting more because of the fact that the supposed superior race has decided to track down and shoot animals that don't have the good sense to NOT run across a multi lane highway. Plus, Bambi never really upset me.

13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.

So there it is sports fans, the list of the 20 things I have no opinion on. Granted, some of them would not make for great bar conversations (what, you don't want to talk about Iced Tea?). But, like I said at the outset, these topics will shut me up, prevent me from spitting on you, and contain the vein on my head from popping out.

Oh, and where did 13-20 go? Well, I couldn't actually think of 20 things I have no opinion of.

Shocking, eh?

"Hey Bubba, Who You Starting At Receiver This Week?"

Saturday night, I was out watching the Red Sox and after the game concluded, the jukebox started up. It was one of those great, new jukeboxes where you can download any song. Late in the night, "Mr. November" by The National came on. It was not played by me, but I was very happy to hear it. I was even happier to meet the guy who played it. And apparently, this guy was SUPER happy to meet me as he met a fellow fan (nerd) of a relatively obscure song that he chose to play. For a variety of reasons (well, one reason really: The Tower), I do not remember the conversation we had. But I do know that when I woke up and recalled this story, I was happy to have had a conversation with another dude that was different from the conversation that I hear most dudes having these days.

Truly, I'm sorry to cash in this entry and pull the Shaugnessey/Ryan Emptying out The Sports Drawer of The Mind. But I can't take it any more. I can't take hearing the SAME EXACT CONVERSATION FIFTEEN TIMES A WEEK BY FIFTEEN DIFFERENT GROUPS OF GUYS!!!!! So, for those of you that have this conversation, I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not. I just wish you'd stop having it. For those of you who STILL don't know what I'm talking to you about, raise your hand if you've heard one of these conversations or a slight variation of it in recent months:

1. "I'm so pissed man. I have the second highest point total in my league and I'm 1-5. Every week, I've played against the best team."

2. "So I'm down by 16 heading into Monday night and I have Palmer going. I need him to have a big night."

3. "I can't believe it! The team I was playin' had a kicker on his bye week and he picks up Bironas who has a stupid week and I lose by two."

4. "So I have Manning and he has a bye this week, and I need to decide who to start, Dilfer on Rosenfelds. Dilfer is going up against the Pittsburgh D which has the sixth worst pass defense in the league and Rosenfelds is coming off a monster week, so I can go with him too."

5. "I'm in second, but the first place guy just got Peterson from another guy for Morris just because the guy wanted a Pat."

6. "I'm taking Maroney with the sixth pick. I think he's going to have a huge year."

By now you know what I'm talking about: Fantasy Football.

Many of you know I hate football. My reasoning is simple (but quite possibly insane). I was wrong about Tom Brady.

But seriously, I'm not going to talk about the worthlessness of football (except to say, what other sports primary marketing campaign is Fantasy Leagues? And are there ten stars in the NFL right now? And what sort of sport has two good players at it's best position?) or the stupidity and luck of Fantasy Football. Instead I'm going to talk about the sad conversational state of the gender that has the Y Chromosome.

Now, I've had my fair share of inane conversations in my life. I regularly, seriously, and very scientifically present arguments as to why Jennifer Love Hewitt would like me if she met me in person. My brother and I recently discussed and ended up agreeing that it might actually be a really good thing to have Erectile Dysfunction. And then my sister and I talked- via text- about why banging in, when used as a slang term for calling in sick should really be called banging out (or was it vice versa?). I have also opined on whether or not a really strong man could knock a horse cold with a single punch as Arnold did in Conan The Destroyer.

But in all three cases, I am happy to say that, as a member of the male gender, I was having a conversation OTHER than one about fantasy football.

I mean, think about how awful a fantasy football conversation really is, particularly if you are not in a fantasy league. Do teams with the second highest point total ordinarily NOT go 1-5? Because I do know that the Texas Rangers have had good offenses in the past, but can't win anything. And my brother always says that the "down by x many points" conversation is also ridiculous because we have no idea what the scoring system of said leagues are. Is 16 points easy to overcome or difficult? And who is Bironas? Isn't he in the NHL? And as for who you are starting, guess what: You have no idea because it's all shit luck.

Again, I'm not sitting here saying that I am talking about the pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization (thanks Will). But it is sad to think that men have NOTHING else to talk about. And I'm serious here. I have heard, in the past seven days alone, fanatsy football conversations in the gym locker room (which I know is like saying there are mullets at a NASCAR event), at The Hold Steady show last night, at dinner before the Red Sox last weekend, and while I waited in line on a Monday morning in Starbucks (this was especially disappointing for me. I thought this was a conversation reserved strictly for Dunkin Donuts). I rarely hear conversations about books, music or even movies. I'm starting to think that men either A) Just play fantasy football or B) Stare at the back of seats, David Putty style.

So I'm asking you, the two male readers of this ridiculousness, to please, talk about something else this week. You know how they have Breast Cancer Awareness months/days and Black History Month? I propose we have A Fantasy Conversation Free Week. Just one week. We could all wear pins pronouncing our Fantasy Freeness. It would be like Fight Club. We'd sort of nod to one another as we passed in the streets or in the aisles of stores. If somebody brought up Fanatsy Football, we would pretend we had no idea what they were talking about. We could start a revolution. And I'd be the Che Guevara of Fantasy Football.

There is, of course, an outside chance that if we did this, no two males would converse for the entire week.

But anyways, I need you to listen men. Or not so much listen, but talk. Talk about something other than fake football teams. It's not like you have to have the effeminate, ridiculous conversations I have about how skinny ties look awesome or how the right brown shoes with a nice pair of gray pants can look uber trendy. But let's talk about something other than who to start at tight end on Sunday. Let's try talking about how awesome Wusthof Knives are. Or how good TBS reruns of The Offic are. Let's talk about what the best Oktoberfest is and where the best burger place around is. Heck, let's talk about transmissions and Skil Saws. Just give me something other than Fantasy Football. It's exhausting. And sad.

So those of you who actually play Fantasy Football, think before you talk about it. Because outside of conversations about bad poker beats, the history of Mag Lite Flashlights, your golf game, your hemorrhoids, or the cultural impact of Bill Cosby's sweaters, there is no conversation worse than a conversation about your fake football team.

And so now I have an apology to make. A few months ago, my friends Brian, Brian, Brian, Jay, Shaun, and Paul were discussing stone walls, lawns, and water features over email and I made fun of them. For the record, it wasn't only me making fun of them. It was Shaun too. In fact, he cracked the single funniest email joke I've ever seen. But it was mostly me. And now, after three months of conversations about Marques Colston and Atlanta's rush defense, I'm really sorry for making fun of them because instead, I should have been celebrating them and cherishing them as good friends. For alas, they were talking about something (geeky) OTHER THAN FANTASY FOOTBALL. And that, I now realize, was a great thing.

So good job boys. And I'm sorry for making those jokes about you guys being 54.

Well, I gotta run. I've got to go to a imdb chat room and discuss whether or not Obi Wan used the force or just had really good eye sight when when he stated correctly that the Death Star was in fact, no moon, but a space station.

Remember When You Liked This Guy? Keep It That Way.

Christmas Day of 1990, I got my first CD player and stereo. It was a top load Teac (does that even still exist?) and the stereo was a component Panasonic system (which was so terrible I blew out the speakers about three months after Santa brought it to me). I dutifully picked both of these out of the Service Merchandise catalog, showed them to my mother and father, and magically, they appeared under our Christmas Tree. It was supremely happy. And I bet my parents were supremely happy as they then had to listen to countless hours of my bad music (and let me tell you..... It was bad! This was before the time I was a music snob/conniseur/poseur so let's just say the first three CDs I "asked for" were Don Henley Building The Perfect Beast, Phil Collins Live, and The Pretty Woman Soundtrack...... I like The King of Wishful Thinking. What can I say?).

In between listenings of "All She Wants To Do Is Dance," I made a laundry list of CDs I wanted. Keep in mind that this was pre iTunes and pre Amazon, so all I had to go on was memeory. Further, I never had an older brother who introduced me to Led Zeppelin or Foreigner (I am now SOOOOOO thankful for that). I did have a sister who introduced me to The Police (they were one of the six CDs I got that Christmas of 1990) and that was good. But mostly, all I had was the back catalog of music in my mind and videos of U Can't Touch This and The Humpty Dance.

One of the songs I did remember loving was 99 Red (that's Luft to you Dirk Nowitzski) Balloons by Nena. I even memorized all the words (this is what we've waited for, this is it boys, this is war!). Memorizing these words helped me perfect my air guitar and even impressed a girl at a bar once.

So, one night, I got in the back of Mike Archer's 86 Datsun and headed over to Newbury Comics where I found the white placard that said Nena. After some three dollar Taco Bell, I headed home and listened to 99 Red, only to realize that it sucked.

Not only did 99 Red suck, it sucked badly. And the suckiness of said song eradicated all the positive memories I had of it. I erased those nights I would jump around on my bed playing that song on my Fisher Price record player.

What is my point? I was better off NOT buying the song in my later years as the suckiness of it ruined what were once great childhood memories. I wish I never heard the song again (of course, I would later have heard it at bars, but that would have been fine because I was drunk and wouldn't have known the difference). But I did.

And so this brings me to a new phenomenon. Lately, production companies have decided to release classic television shows and classic cartoons on DVD. I was originally excited about this idea. So excited that I bought Transformers The Movie (not the new one mind you, but the '86 animated version where Optimus Prime dies). I sat down to watch it, excited to see a movie that I remember being so great. I was happy to hear "You've Got The Touch" (Which Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild unsuccessfully tried to cover) and I was happy to see Optimus. But then.....

I shut the movie off. Why? Because it's suckiness rivaled that of 99 Luft.

And now? Well, I don't look back as fondly as I once did on the day we piled into Mrs Roos' new Volvo and went to see Orsen Welles in his final performance.

So here's what I'm telling you people: You know all those old TV shows and cartoons that you used to love as kids that you can now get on DVD? DON'T GET THEM!!!!!

TV shows like The A-Team, MacGyver, The Greatest American Hero, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and Happy Days were cancelled for a variety of reasons. But I'm thinking that the central reason they were cancelled is because they sucked.

But now, with the internet and DVD technology, we can get ANY of these shows. And in ways, this is a terrible thing. Because we remember the shows because of who we were and where we were at the time. Shows like Alf and Star Blazers (I'm probably the only one who remembers that sci fi geek show- the original Japanimation program) are likely not good, but we can at least REMEMBER that they were good. And you know what? I don't want those memories tainted.

The same can be said for music. With iTunes and the internet, you can get virtually any song you want and this stinks. Remember back in the day when you had to sit around and wait for a song to come on the radio and tape it? And you'd get some corny DJ introducing the song and ruining the first few chords for you? There was something to be said for that. Now, you can get any song you want and that's not good because a lot of songs that remind us of our youth really aren't that good. This shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but it makes me melancholy nonetheless.

I understand that I sound like Bob Ryan discussing the 1986 Celtics right now, but it's not really about the lack of good programming or the "Things were better in my day!" argument. It's more this: Don't go checking out stuff from your youth because it will only crushingly disappoint.

So the next time you are surfing youtube, try not to download clips of old TV shows or classic MTV videos, because you will not be happy. I one time (okay, fine, three weeks ago) downloaded Warrant's "Cherry Pie" so I could see Bobbi Brown in all of her apple pie eating/Daisy Duke wearing glory. Needless to say, the 1990 Bobbi Brown wasn't nearly as attractive as I remembered her to be (this is probably a good thing). And that was sad, for it tainted a once great memory I had

I will say this though. The video did help me somewhat. I made me realize that Jani Lane- who I think I thought was the man- was and likely still is a complete tool. So if anything, youtube is valuable in raising my self esteem. Not that it needs any raising.

Who Knew This Guy Would Change My Life?

I remember it all very clearly. It was the fall of 1997 and the bar scene in Amherst was drastically different than I had remembered. Here I was, standing in the same bar I had been standing in just 17 months before, surrounded by the same seven knuckleheads I had been surrounded by for four years. We were even doing the same thing. Standing in a corner, not socializing, each holding a six dollar pitcher. Then it dawned on me what was different. All of the girls were wearing the same thing. They all had on the same ridiclously hot/totally-inappropriate-outside-of-an-aerobics-class-black-pants. And those black pants changed everything for me.

For anyone reading this who graduated college/was on the bar scene pre 1997, sit back and try to remember what women wore out. Can you? Because I can't. I think they wore big wool sweaters, overalls (don't deny it ladies! they made a brief comeback there in the mid to late nineties), dock martins, high waisted jeans, and skorts. But I'm not sure. They could have been wearing snow suits. All I can remember now is that every woman was dressed in form fitting black pants that were basically slightly classier versions of spandex. I even remember the names of the pants. The were called Ponte Pants and they could be purchased in a variety of colors from express. And paired with black boots and a shimmery top, those pants turned every girl into a midlevel South Beach Club Goer (well, at UMass, it was probably less than mid level).

And then, I started to notice said Ponte Pants everywhere (of course, had I NOT been going to the Green House in Billerica in the fall of '96, I might have discovered these pants earlier) and it forever changed the bar scene. To this day, I do not think that the young bar/club going men and women of The United States understand the importance of these pants. I'm telling you people, they altered everything. The Ponte Pant then paved the way for the Ponte Skirt, Ponte Tube Top/Half Shirt,and Ponte Booty Shorts. Eventually, women needed a new fashion option, so they turned to designer jeans, which in their cut and clinginess, are basically the same thing as the Ponte Pant, only cut from denim. So, the next time you see a hot/skankily dressed woman, thank the Ponte Pant because it changed mens lives. Well, at least it changed mine.

Why do I bring this up? Because this month's GQ had a phenomenal article about the 27 things that changed mens lives. Shockingly, it did not include the Ponte Pant, but it did include some tremendous selections like Nintento, thong underwear, the remote control, and the yellow first and ten line (I'd give you a link to the complete list, but it's not online so go buy the mag). However, GQ missed a few massive male altering inventions/things/stuff. And I am here to include a few more things that changed mens lives. Truth be told, the following 18 items probably changed no ones lives. But they changed mine and I'm a male, right? Well, barely. Anyways, here are the 18 things that changed MY (kinda male) life:

1. Flip Flops- See that guy walking down the street with his khaki shorts, white socks, and Nike Shox? He looks ridiculous doesn't he? Well, until flip flops came along, this was my only option with shorts. That, or a ridiculous looking pair of sandals with an uncomfortable buckle that always cut your ankle. Then flip flops came along and made me look normal. Well, semi-normal at least. Because shorts are not ever going to be my look.

2. Road House- This movie came out in 1989. I was 15. This is the age when the male libido runs the fastest. It runs a sub four minute mile. This movie had the most gratutious sex/boob (cause that's the word I used when I was 15- there might have even been an "ies" on the end) shots ever while also having the greatest dirty talk I had yet heard (you gonna be my regular Saturday night thing?). Further, it had a 5'6" Swayze ripping out throats (which I bet is kinda hard), a dude encouraging his girlfriend to table dance, and the idea that if you have a Philosophy degree, you can be a bouncer.

3. Swingers/Entourage/Pulp Fiction/Seinfeld/Da Ali G Show/Chapelle's Show- Without these shows, there is a good chance that I would have never made a person laugh. Ever. They laugh even harder when they don't know I stole one of my "funny" lines from one of the aforementioned. And no, I don't tell them what it's from.

4. Flavored Vodka- I hate whiskey, bourbon, and gin. It is bad enough that my favorite beers are either fruit flavored or contain fruit, so if it were not for flavored vodka, I would drink no hard alcohol. I can always pour some Rasperry Stoli into a glass with sprite and say I'm drinking a vodka tonic. And I've always wanted to be like Bond and say how I like my martini, but since I hate gin, I could never do that. Now that they make "vodka martinis," I can finally do that. Of course, said martinis are still pink.

5a. That Episode of "True Life, I'm from The Jersey Shore"
5b. That Other Episode "True Life: I Have Calf Implants"- Because even though I drink pink drinks, think Road House is the best soft core porn ever, and steal all my lines from movies and TV I am, at the least, not these guys.

6. Jason Priestley/Luke Perry/Brady Anderson- If it were not for them, sideburns would be considered ridiculous. And now, thanks to them, I too can look just like a C List TV/Baseball Star.

7. The Gym Spotter- I always like when a dude asks me to spot him because it makes me feel very manly for a few minutes. I can help a dude lift a bunch of weight, then compliment him on his set, and give him an awkward handshake/half hug. And all the while, my crotch region is placed eerily close to said lifters head and no one thinks that is weird because you are at the gym.

8. Sports Movie- I cry at movies all the time. Before Sunset, You Can Count On Me, Billy Elliot, Big (it gets me when he turns back to the girl at the end), Good Will Hunting, and Home Alone (don't even ask). They all get me. And invariably, some one of my truly manly men friends will make fun of me for crying at a movie. Then I can point out to these friends that they cried at Seabiscuit or Chariots of Fire or Rocky or Remember The Titans or Million Dollar Baby and they will have to be quiet. Thanks sports movie genre.

9. cbssportsline.com- I used to run fantasy football leagues and I had to do all the math by hand. I won it one year and was accused of cheating. Then, cbssportsline.com was invented and I won three leagues without having to prove that I didn't cheat, thus proving that I was a fantasy genius. Despite the fact that I drink pink drinks.

10. The Fact That The Goo Goo Dolls Were First Played On FNX- I admit it. I like the Goo Goo Dolls. And I am frequently ragged on for this. Fortunately, their album that sold about 71 copies (Superstar Car Wash for those of you scoring at home) was played in the summer of 1992 on 101.7 FM, the True Alternative. True Story (thanks again Ari).

11. Zagat- If it were not for this $12.95 guide that has 6 line reviews of places to eat, I would not be near the poseur/pretentious restaurant snob that I currently am.

12. Boxer Shorts- Here is one I am confident that I am not alone on. But I remember having to change for gym (I mean PE on the odd chance, LD, Mirasolo, The Fogarty's or Adam is reading this) and feeling ridiculous because I was wearing tightie whities. Boxers at least made me look like I was wearing a pair of shorts as opposed to smuggling plums in my Hanes.

13. Hugh Grant- When I am hanging out with my two sisters and I say that someone is hot, one of the two of them will always point out that the girl in question is "gross." They have called Denise Richards gross because of her eyebrows and the girl from DVD on TV gross because she is cheesey. However, I can always defend myself by saying, "Hey, Hugh Grant found Divine Brown attractive enough to pitch Elizabeth Hurley for a few minutes, so at least my taste isn't as bad as Hugh Grant's." Of course, they would probably find something wrong with Elizabeth Hurley.

14. Zombies- Zombies have given me the outside hope that I will not die like some ordinary average person. I will not fall victim to heart disease, cancer, or an automobile accident. With Zombies, I can still have the hopes of dying bravely as I fight along side Ving Rhames, Cillian Murphy, and Sarah Polley. Course, with this scenario, there is also the outside chance that I would die about 9 seconds after the zombie outbreak and I'd be walking around looking to eat peoples brains. And given the fact that the few times I shot a gun I couldn't hit anything, combined with my lack of speed, and my inability to thrive in pressure situations, I'm guessing that the second scenario would be the likely outcome.

15. Flat Front Pants- Bill Parcells and his ball fat showed me long ago that ball fat is not a good thing. So why then, would I wear a pair of pants (pleated) that makes me look like I have ball fat, when in fact, I do not need to look like I have ball fat? And men, I'm not the only one that can learn from this. Ask the ladies.

16. Commando- This movie hasn't done much for me now, but it certainly changed my life when I was 11. Take the hopes it gave me: It gave me hope that I could one day pick up a phone booth with a man in it. It gave me the hope that I would one day see a shootout in a mall. It gave me hope that I would break into a Costco with a bulldozer, find a secret backroom loaded with awesome guns, and use those guns to save my daughter from a guy dressed in chain mail. It gave me hope that I would one day use saw blades as throwing stars. It gave me hope that I could crash into a telephone pole, sans seatbelt, at 75 miles an hour, in a Fiero, and still live. Finally, it gave me the word pissant.

17. Burritos- This is a food that decided sour cream and refried beans should be condiments. Sour cream! A condiment! It's not just for dips anymore people! And when a food is pretty much the base of your food chain and you look forward to eating one more than you look forward to vacations, then it should probably be on a list of things that changed your life.

18. The Internet- Given what you are currently doing right now, do I even need to explain the importance of this one in my life?