Somewhere... Somehow... Someone Is Going To Pay!

Because I work sixteen hours a week during the summer, I have even more spare time than usual. So what have I been doing with that time? Naturally, I've been sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels and watching movies I've watched a combined 6,981 times already. Sounds about right, doesn't it? And here's what I picked up on my five hour flipping fete last night...

Top Gun is awesome. I feel like this movie has carved a pretty nice niche into our pop culture but it should really deserves to be even MORE a part of our pop culture. There are so many great things about this movie, starting with the fact that there is absolutely no CGI and so the stock footage/stunts/models look so much better than what is out there today (watch the ridiculousness of Stealth to see just what I'm talking about). And then what's not to like about the gayest, non-gay moment in the history of films in the beach volleyball scene? Or how about the ludicrous emoting from Maverick ("I know better than that. I should never leave my wingman.")? How about that score? And a soundtrack featuring 80's gods Kenny Loggins AND Berlin? Then there's the Ice
sniffling/sighing/looking for the right words speech to Maverick ("Everybody liked him. I'm sorry."). If I had a myspace/facebook/match.com profile, I'd ask people to do their best Ice sniffling impression when they friend requested me. And if they have no idea what I'm talking about, then they are out. Bonus points if they do that bite thing...

I'm not sure why it is I root for Lindsey Lohan (probably because I find her ridiculously hot), but I really do want her to succeed. Piling on is fun (Bennifer, Britney), but when someone actually has a shred of talent (Mean Girls, Freaky Friday) and they still can't get it together, it's tough to watch. So i wanted to like Georgia Rule. But I didn't. It's to the point where Lindsey might have to go on a Travolta like ten year hiatus and then grab a Tarantino script and resurrect her career in true Vincent Vega fashion...

If Rounders were released at the height of poker four years ago, it would have been a legendary smash hit. Unfortunately, it was released six years too early and pretty much tanked in the theaters (why it did is still befudlling to film execs). That said, this movie holds up incredibly well and it is so simply/beautifully written. It's got interesting subplots and I can't believe how well acted it is (John Tuturro, Martin Landau, and Famke Jansen are awesome in their supporting roles) with Damon and Norton making two really easy, sort of generic roles very interesting. I love that everybody likes Mike McDermott except for his girlfriend. All this is missing is a performance from Gary Oldman as an over the top goon chasing down Worm. Speaking of Oldman...

Why don't they make straight up gun action movies like The Professional anymore? It seems that fan boys prefer the swords and sandals/kung fu actioneers and so the straight shoot'em up has temporarily died out (although Wanted looks like it has potential). The Professional shows that these movies TOTALLY need to make a come back. The opening and closing scenes are unbelievably choregraphed and fun. That last shootout has you cheering for Leon
like you've never cheered for a character before. Also cool is the fact that this is the only picture that Natalie Portman is NOT annoying and I love- as my bro pointed out- that Leon is not some sleek, suave killing machine. He's by no means a bumbling idiot, but 007, he ain't and then makes him even cooler. Bonus points for the awesome score that accompanies this pic...

Over on 341 was The Last Kiss. I know this sounds like sour grapes, but really, how does Zach Braff get movies made? Garden State was loved by critics, but watch this movie in two years and it will be laughably irrelevant and out of date. It'll be Generation Y's version of Singles and Reality Bites. Then Braff followed the worst movie ever with this piece of trash. How the hell did he get all these actors to sign on for this movie? Nothing about it is good, including the ridiculously unreal "male friends." They go through these painfully banal, trite "issues" that are almost too sickening and too contrived to write. And then I'm supposed to believe that Rachel Billson would really go for Zach Braff? She throws herself at him! And not to mention the fact that this movie almost (ALMOST) wrecked "Chocolate" for me...

On the direct opposite of the spectrum over on 203 was the perfect male Coming of Age pic, High Fidelity. Yes, I talk about this movie as much as I talk about The National (hey, how'd they work their way in here?), but flip to it and there is no way you flip away. Unfortunately for Hollywood, the haven't been able to re-create this male version of Chick-Lit (Dick-Lit?) and as much as Braff wants to be Cusack, he will never be him. But listening to Rob obsess about his ex-girlfriend having sex with another man ("I didn't like Ian much then and I fuckin' hate him now!") and dump all over himself is both hilarious and cathartic. Forever a classic and one that will never be repeated. Unless Hollywood would just take on my manuscript of course...

Speaking of cathartic, The Break-Up came along at a time in my life where I was at a... Crossroads shall we say? And some scenes in it still ring powerfully true. But this movie most certainly IS NOT A comedy and it should never have been billed as one. Sure, I laughed when Big T (he'll always be Big T) played Madden with Aniston's date, but I certainly wasn't laughing when Big T blew off the concert or listened to his best friend (Mikey!!!) tell him what a disaster he was. Not that I know anything about being a disaster...

Over on HBO was another book that was made into an awesome movie, Little Children. Here's another movie I rarely turn off. I love that the narrator from Frontline shows up almost as much as I love the performance of Jackie Earle Haley. Think this guy walked into the casting call, went to open his mouth and the castting director just waved s/he's hand and said, "Congratulations! You got the part?!?" Has there ever been a dude more ready to play a pedophile? And why does Kate Winslet look so homely in this movie? Was that done on purpose? And if you haven't seen this movie, it ranks about an eight on the miserable meter, with one being Hoosiers and ten being Requiem For A Dream...

Checking in at a nine on the miserable meter is Leaving Las Vegas (how it avoids a ten I really don't know. I just know that it's one point less painful than Requiem). Imagine being a couple out on their first date and you see this? What's the conversation afterwards? Do you risk saying you liked it and potentially scare off your date? Do you make a joke about how
uplifting it was? Or do you turn and say, "Wow. I thought my drinking was bad." There are so many scenes in this movie to make you one cringe and it also has a horrific rape scene. Any chance we could have a moratorium on rape scenes in movies for awhile? Is there anything worse? I'll take a dog death or fingernails being ripped out over the rape scene any day. Unless of course, it's one involving Marsellus Wallace because that paved the way for this line: "Yeah, we cool. Two things: one, don't tell nobody about this. This shit is between me, you, and Mr. soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain rapist here. It ain't noboby else's business..."

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum checking in at a two on the misery meter is Commando. Like Top Gun, what bad can you say about this movie? Schwarzenegger spends the first half of the film wearing a suddenly super trendy again henley, avoids death by "smelling them coming," disarms a man by simply ripping a gun right from the said dudes hands, breaks someones neck in a crowd of 250 people without anyone noticing, falls hundreds of feet from a plane with nary a rolled ankle, convinces a flight attendant to join him on a whirlwind trek to find his kidnapped daughter, rips out a car seat, beats up all the security guards in the Mall of America, hoists an occupied 2000 pound (I just googled it) phone both over his head and chucks it, smashes into a tree at 70 mph sans seatbelt and lives, holds a man at arms length over a cliff without struggling at all, eats a green beret for breakfast, stealthily robs a gun store by smashing the door down with a bulldozer (not to mention knowing how to drive a bulldozer), wipes out an entire army by firing from the hip for twenty minutes, uses Skil saw blades as throwing stars, all while toting around the perfect body. Then he kills the dad from Clueless, beats up a dude who's wearing an outfit gayer than one you'd see on the Village People, and saves his daughter. Oh yeah, we also get a gratuitous Arnie-In-Speedo shot (are you kidding me with that back Governator?), some of the best unintentionally comedic one liners ("I love listening to your pissant soldiers trying to talk tough"), the same stunt man being killed countless times, a wide selection of guns (perfect for the gun crazy 12 year old that I was), a guy getting electrocuted only to have it invigorate him, and the best tagline in cinematic history. This movie is so laughably bad that it's just... Awesome. I seriously might have a separate post just about the greatness of this film. And you know what? I take back my opening sentence. This is a one on the misery meter. No way Hoosiers makes me more happy than Arnie firing an M-16 with one hand...

And I wrapped up my five hour movie hopping night with one of my all time favorites, Se7en. And listen, it's more than just Brad Pitt. I know I've written about this movie before, but I just can't take its' perfection. It is by far the best thriller ever made and the fact that Silence of the Lambs gets all the accolades frustrates me greatly. My boy Bri one time told me that in sales and marketing, you have to be the first in (And he's right. Is there another low carb beer you know other than Mich Ultra?). Silence was the first in. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best because Se7en is way, way better. Both stand the test of time amazingly well (as thrillers often can) and I love this movie because there is no way I would have ever written it (you'll always be my boy Andrew Kevin Walker). It's a relatively simple idea, but one that is done to perfection. It's hilarious in spots (note the glass of wine the uncouth Mills pours for Sommerset), the love story is completely believable, and the end is. unlike anything we have ever seen in the history of movies (yeah, I said that. Debate me on it.). Not to mention the fact that Pitt, Freeman, Paltrow, and Spacey act the shit out of this pick. I understand that not everyone is into film as much as me and when I recommend a film to someone I always ask one question: Is there any way said film could have been done any better? Because we always have some problem with some film (Pulp, one of my favorites, could have cut down the Butch/Cab driver convo and Swingers is looking quite dated, but no less great these days). But Se7en? Absolutely. Perfect

Well, I should get back to work here. I think I have some Yahoo! games to play. Or maybe I should check the listings for films I can flip through tonight while you take care of the children, prepare dinner, or do something far more valuable with your time. But if you have a sec, flip on over to the 200s. They certainly make my $175 a month cable bill worth it.