Do I Have Issues If I WANT To Be In This Situation?

I've been informed that my comment section wasn't working. It was actually good to hear this because I was noticing I was receiving fewer and fewer comments and I was hoping that it wasn't because my posts sucked. Plus, I thrive on the vitriolic barbs...

Anyways, has anyone seen the stories on CNN and newspapers about piracy?!? Does anyone find this as wild as me? I'm not saying I'm INTO kidnapping on the high seas or pillaging, ransoming, and other forms of terror at sea, but piracy?!? This is real? And more to the point, this is actually the word that we use to describe the overtaking of boats by bandits and robbers who operate in the ocean? We've come up with new fangled words for everything else, but we as a culture have decided to KEEP the words piracy and pirate even though every time we hear said words all we probably think of is "aaaaaargh," peg legs, eye patches, skanky girl Halloween costumes, Johnny Depp doing Keith Richards, parrots on shoulders and maybe Willie Stargell in a "We Are Family" hat? I just don't get this. We haven't transitioned to brigand? Or even Buccaneer? Shouldn't we change the name of this crime to something else just so the general public takes it more seriously? I read the other day that these pirates are well organized, well financed, and heavily armed, but all I picture when I read these stories is a bunch of guys with scurvy on a ship that looks like that swinging ride at Canobie Lake firing cannons at passing vessels.

So, needless to say, I've been sucking up these stories like they were Grey Goose Cosmos. Now, I have HEARD of piracy stories in the past and I saw one in the new Rambo movie, but did you know that last week alone there were nine- NINE!!!- pirate attacks in The Gulf of Aden (don't worry, I had to Wikipedia it too) alone?!? NINE!!! That's as many as Captain Jack Sparrow and The Dread Pirate Roberts would perpetrate in a month! And instead of cruising around solo in wood hulled ships with a skull and cross bones on their sails, they are in fast attack boats which are launched from one "Mother Ship" that apparently is pretty damn big. These pirates are operating on a whole other level! No swords and oversized beards here. These cats are like the Supermen of piracy. And by the way, how does one become a pirate?!? Is there an academy or college or something? Or do you just have to be a generally bad guy with a nose ring and a knack for driving a cigarette boat really, really fast? I obviously feel terribly for all the victims and hostages involved, but you cannot tell me that you wouldn't want to witness this first hand. Imagine crusing through Nantucket Sound on your rich friends boat drinking Coronas, cranking Kid Rock's "All Summer Long," and reeling in the occassional striper when all of a sudden a group of ruffians rolls up in a Crocket and Tubbs speed boat and start waving AK-47s in your face and demanding your money and material goods?!? You'd think it wasn't happening or at the very least, you'd think that one of your friends was somehow famous enough to get you on an episode of Punk'd.

So yesterday, after reading all these stories when I should have been writing an IEP, I chuckled to myself about how life REALLY DOES imitate art. And so that got me to thinking. What would be the ten most outlandish/ridiculous movies that I would actually like to be a part of? Now, even though I would A) Die in ten seconds B) Die in thirty seconds or C) Die when I'm sacrificed by my "friends" for the greater good, let's just pretend that WON'T happen. Let's pretend you get to be part of a whole ridiculous scene like the ones these hostages in these apparently real hijackings at sea are experiencing.

Dying in ten seconds factor aside, here's what I would like to be a part of when it happens, but only if I can be a member of the resitance, become a firearms expert, or die really painlessly. And yes, I actually think about this shit...

10. The Blair Witch Project- Because I would have handled myself so much better than those idiots.

9. Terminator 2: Judgement Day- I don't necessarily need to have a Titanium Bodied, sunglass wearing, Schwarzenegger chasing ME, but I do need to be around when the machines rise up and take over. I just hope I have the foresight to dig a really good nuclear bomb shelter or I won't be a member of John Connor's resistance. That, our move to the north of Maine, which I would not think is a high priority nuclear target.

8. Weird Science (Or Any Movie Where The Huge Nerds Get The Hot Girls)- I know, both from personal experience and from working in a high school, that geeks of the stature of Gary and Wyatt DO NOT GET GIRLS!!! Yes, maybe the kinda hipstery kid who plays the acoustic guitar and has pins of The Ramones and The Stooges on his backpack gets girls. But the kid who picks his nose, already has a beard, and draws pictures of dragons while wearing fingerless leather gloves NEVER gets a girl, let alone a hot girl. He may TALK to a girl, but only about what type of lipstick goes best with his eyeliner.

7. Jaws- Remember when we THOUGHT there was a great white sighting when a half crazed guy said he saw one this summer?!? It was everywhere (likely because everybody secretly- like me- really WANTED this to happen) locally and was even picked up nationally. Now, imagine a bunch of people REALLY go missing off the coast of Wingaersheek and then we see a kid on an inner tube get mashed by a shark 25 feet from shore in a pool of blood?!? Tell me you don't want to be a part of that.

6. Die Hard- Only because I really want to say to the German terrorist right as he was about to shoot me, "Whaddya think I'm fuckin stupid Hans?"

5. Armageddon- Yes, I want to be Bruce Willis not once, but twice!!! But seriously, imagine if news of this hits?!? I think where these movies miss the point is that if they are two hours long, the filmmakers actually make them one hour and fifty-nine minutes too long because there would seriously be a breakdown of society if we knew this was going to happen. Look, it is only because we have laws that this society even exists and so imagine this really was going to happen?!? How do we hold it togther as a culture?!? We run people over who are Yankees fans, so how can we be expected to get along when the world is going to end in a matter of days?!? It just wouldn't happen. But still, it would be fun to see the breakdown. Think I'd live long on a busy street in the Ville?

4. Signs- If you say you've never been at hom with your family and a few friends and HAVEN'T discussed the possible scenario if you being attacked by aliens while simultaneously being cut off from society, then you, sir and madame are a liar. I must say though, Mel, Rory, Joaquin and company were so STUPID for going upstairs that early. I'm NEVER doing that!

3. The Big Lebowski- Because I need to know what it's like to lounge around all day and take baths and drink White Russians. Wait, I think I pretty much do this during February vacation?

2. Cloverfield- I'm sorry, but I just love this movie, mostly because I was so into the thought of a huge monster that fell from the sky massacring a major city. But I just need to see before I die A HUGE MONSTER FALL FROM THE SKY AND MASSACRE A CITY!!! And I feel like I'd have a good chance to live in this situation, but more importantly, I feel like I'd act exactly like some of the kids in this flick and steal stuff from the local Radio Shack while watching a monster tear up Manhattan.

1. Dawn of The Dead/28 Days Later/28 Weeks Later or Any Other Movie Where Zombies Sprint After Me- While Outbreak, 12 Monkeys, and other disease movies are pretty cool, could you imagine having a disease hit where those stricken didn't just drop dead but they got up AND TRIED TO EAT YOU?!? As you're running down the street, you absolutely have to be saying, "This nightmare is really fun and stuff, but it's perfectly okay if I wake up now." I cannot believe how frequently I think about the zombies coming. I'm 90% sure I'll die from a zombie bite way before heart disease or cancer gets me.

This is a true story... Less than one week ago (not when we were 8 or 12 or even 21 and high), my brother and I were sitting on the couch, each surfing the internet on our laptops. What were we looking for? Why guns, thank you. And we weren't looking for them to protect ourselves against burglars or the bookie, we were instead looking to arm ourselves for the potential zombie invasion. Had we had say, nine beers a piece, there's a good chance we would have been driving to New Hampshire to pick up a semi automatic Heckler and Koch MP5 and a 12 Gauge pump action shotgun.

Yes, you are friends with me. And to answer your next question, no, I did not get laid in high school. Shocking, I know.

Could You Shut The Hell Up Please?

Like Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald before me, my writing has been snakebitten by alcohol. Hence, the delay between posts. Maybe this will be my For Who The Bell Tolls or The Great Gatsby.

Anyways, for years, after I was involved in a funny situation or heard a really funny story, I always said, "Man that's awesome! I'm putting that in my book!" After hearing this over and over, my brother eventually started saying, "You can't write a book like that! What's this book going to be about? And what is the title going to be? That will be a terrible book." After hearing this enough, I decided that my more intelligent than me (He passed the bar! Yippee!) brother was right. My book of random vignettes that I felt was really funny was not funny at all. But guess what Mr. Esquire Mike? You're wrong. I can write a book of really funny vignettes. I even have a name for it.

Family Guy.

But it turns out you were right about something Mike. My book tentatively called Family Guy - with a string of jokes that only I found funny- DOES suck. Know how I know? Because they already wrote this book and it's even been made into a television show with the exact same title that I came up with: Family Guy.

Family Guy is awful. In fact, it is one of the two worst shows on television. I do not understand how it has achieved the cult status it has achieved and I do not understand how anyone laughs at it.

I've heard people talk about what a laugh riot it is. Over the years, I've given it a run. Recently, because it now seems like Family Guy is on TV very frequently, I have decided to revisit it in the hopes that maybe my bitter late twenties opinions were wrong. Turns out they weren't. Family Guy is worse than ever.

I mean, I get how a television show makes it without a linear plot and only random stories. Seinfeld did it too perfection and even though I am not a Simpsons superfan, I must admit that it's nonlinear/random plotlines have obviously worked. The show's been going on for twenty plus years. But the reason why they do is because the shows are funny. And original. Family Guy is neither.

The writers of Family Guy seem to think that they can take the same strategy that the U.S. took in Vietnam and carpet bomb the shit out of of viewers. Only instead of using napalm, these writers use jokes. And they apparently didn't learn from the mistakes of the U.S. Military because this stategy sucks. [Sidebar: I have always been fascinated by people who like movies and televsion shows that have "some funny parts." Is there an algebraic equation where x (number of jokes)- y(number of unfunny jokes)+ z (number of funny jokes)= s (number of "wild romp" comments made by critics for the film)? Because if there is, to get four stars s must be less than or equal to 7. People will always apologize for comedies and I never understand this.]

And if we use this algebraic equation for Family Guy, s=-1181 because there are SOOOOOOOOOO many more unfunny jokes on this stupid show than there are funny ones. Yet everyone talks about how "hilarious" this show is. Well it isn't.

Here's what the creators of Family Guy do. They come up with a general story line of the show. Then they put in a bunch of pop culture refernces that cross generations and social groups and trends. There will be a One Tree Hill reference for the high school girls, an 80s television commercial joke for the Gen Xers, a facebook joke for middle schoolers and college kids (yeah, I just lumped them together), a refernece to The Bachelor for the chicks in their mid to late twenties, and a Pulp Fiction joke for the hipsters. Then they will throw in an overly long joke about Bob Hope riding a motorcycle then crashing that I guess is supposed to appeal to dead people.

This is a completely unoriginal tactic and works similar to those parody movies like Epic Movie- which get metacritic scores of 17. There are no original jokes on this show and there is no creative writing. There are no jokes or sayings that will forever be part of our pop culture. There are reused jokes that will be painfully dated in three years. There is nothing worse than unoriginal comedy, but yet that's what America seems to love seeing as where they ignore Flight of The Conchords and make Beverly Hills Chihuahua an 100 million dollar grossing film. The writers think that this crossing and mixing of jokes is genius because they will hit all social groups, and I won't lie, I laughed at the Good Will Hunting quip, but that was one joke out of 200 on an episode? 1 of 100? 1 of 50? 20? 10?

Even if there were five jokes that episode, then that means Family Guy hit on twenty percent of their jokes. Under what circumstance is twenty percent good? Not in approval ratings, not in BMI, not in Botany averages at UMass (I know this first hand), and not in batting average. So why is it acceptable for Family Guy? Why is a show that is only occassionally funny deemed hilarious?

Family Guy hits on twenty percent of jokes and we all call the show brilliant. Why is that? So many of the jokes are missed by viewers because we have no idea what the writers are referencing and even the jokes we do laugh at we eventually stop laughing at because they go on... And on... And on...

I understand and can even feel badly for a writer when a joke goes a bit too far, but Family Guy kills jokes more often than high school kids kill jokes.

Speaking of killed jokes, I also frequently see Curb Your Enthusiasm, which along with Family Guy is the other worst show on television.

Here's what Larry David and company do:

First, they create an uncomfortable situation that many of us may have experienced (or seen George Constanza experience). Then, they make the characters "confront" one another in awkward ways. The one charcter usually means well when s/he begins "calling out" the other, but then problems ensue. the character being "called out" usually starts to get really defensive and the "caller outer" then tries to apologize. The one being "called out" doesn't accept the apology and the "caller outer" in turn gets defensive. Then the two begin yelling. And then they continue yelling. And then yell some more. And when they are done yelling, they yell again. Rinse and repeat.

This is the ONLY formula for this show. And can someone please tell me how this is funny? The only thing less funny then a series of a bunch of jokes that run on for 45 seconds two long is the SAME EXACT JOKE THAT RUNS ON FOR 2 MINUTES AND 45 SECONDS TOO LONG!!!!!

And I'm serious about this too. Sit down some night and flip through the menu on comcast and see if there is an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on. If there is, click to it. If the characters aren't yelling at each other than they will be in a minimum of two minutes.

And yet this show has somehow won Emmy's. Either I know nothing about good comedy or Jewish people yelling at each for several minutes is much funnier than I think it is.

Whatever the case, is there anyone out there who will actually say this show sucks? Because I haven't heard ANYONE criticize this show and before I ever saw it, all I was told was how funny it was. Well it's not.

Curb Your Enthusiasm capitalized on the "uncomfortable comedy era" that seems to be drifting out of style these days, but what makes uncomfortable comedy watchable are the other characters who realize that the characters acting like are idiots are, in fact, idiots (like Elaine on Seinfeld and Jim on The Office). And NOBODY realizes that anyone on Curb is an idiot. And on the odd chance that a charcter is called an idiot, they get defensive and start... YELLING! STOP YELLING LARRY DAVID!!!! COME UP WITH A DIFFERENT JOKE!!!! PLEASE!

But if you are to come up with a new joke, don't make it one about a talking baby because that's unfunny too.

I hate comedy. I really do. Where's Brett and Jemaine when I need them? Because I can't take bad comedy for much longer.

Mr. November

A few more Barack things before moving on to more pressing issues, like reality television...

This is the montage that played right before Barack walked on stage to give his victory speech. I missed it as CNN wasn't live in Chicago at this time, but apparently, a bunch of channels had it. You may recognize the song. All Barack has to do now is wear a UMass sweatshirt and talk about how influential Lando Calrissian was to him and he will officially be the Greatest Human. Thanks to Georgia for passing along this info by thee way...



And then there was this absolutely ridiculous video, which gives me the chills. How is it possible that my all time favorite candidate is somehow linked to my all time favorite- and a somewhat obscure- band?



This interview was amazing...



And all of this made me re-watch this. Still amazing...



And on a lighter note, I know he said he wasn't going to bring in Wu Tang or turn into a terrorist, but I do think he may govern like this...

Barack And Roll

We are not the country I thought we were.

And it makes me proud.

Change is necessary. Change is positive. Change is energizing. Change is amazing.

If we didn't change as a people, women still wouldn't vote, abortion would be illegal, slavery would exist, there wouldn't be three states in a socially conservative country that allow gay marriage, alcohol would be illegal, only landowners would vote, Manny wouldn't play baseball.

But we do change. As a country, as a people, and as individuals.

No one has changed more than I have. Growing up in Burlington and attending a largely white college, I had to be 22 before I had a real conversation with a black person. I used and regularly heard the word n****r. We made up a word at BHS to describe Indians. It wasn't a complimentary one.

But then I entered the real world (i.e. The not solely white, Catholic one) and got a job that was outside the town of Burlington. I met people who went to colleges other than UMass and ate at restaurants other than the Chili's in Burlington. I even met a lesbian. I didn't catch the gayness and she wasn't really good at softball. She was one of the greatest people I have ever met and she became a dear friend. At that same job,I befriended a black woman who said she went to Cambridge College when she really went to Harvard. She just never felt like explaining to people how a poor black person went to Harvard. She was not on welfare and she didn't say "aks" and listen to Tupac. She drank beers (like me), worked really hard (unlike me), and hated Oprah (like me). She was a lot like me, only with a different skin tone and eyes that weren't the same color as mine.

Over the years, I have met Spanish people who work harder than I ever will. I have met women who smoke me in Jeopardy! and then would beat me in a 10K. I have met African Americans who never reference race and make hilarious jokes about Jesse Jackson. I have met an Asian who introduced me to the phrase DWA: Driving while Asian. I have met minorities that fit none of the stereotypes I had in 1990.

And along the way, I have also met white people who are completely color blind. They have become dear friends and they have taught me things I never thought I could learn.

Racism will never be dead in this country, particularly in pockets of Massachusetts. But tonight has shown that we are a country not stuck in the past. With education, information, and unity, we can make change. We are not the writers of 1950s text books that said women should freshen themselves up and have a drink ready for their husband when he comes home. We are not people who stereotype black people as lazy, fried chicken eating, welfare recipients. We are a group of people that cringes when we hear spick, faggot, or n****r. We understand that we are different and are differences are to be honored and embraced, not tolerated. Racism is not dead, but it's on life support and I may yet see a time in my life where it is officially gone. I never believed that, but tonight has shown me that with patience, education, and love, racism can and will end.

John McCain is not a bad man. He refused to reference Reverend Wright and he never once made race an issue. He is old enough to be the grandfather of half of us reading this post. But unlike so many younger than he; so many stuck in the past; so many clinging to archaic thoughts; so many who still dislike those that do not look like them; he has changed. While he may not know how to use the internet, a racist or bigot he is not. As I write this, he is giving a heartfelt, gracious and honest concession speech. And I admire him for that. I wish that so many of those conservatives that voted for him could change like he has. Much can be learned from John McCain and I hope that conservatives can take his great qualities and become the man that he is.

Joe Plummer is not The Real America. We have changed. We are black, white, Spanish, agnostic, atheist, gay, Indian, Muslim, Brazilian, and European. And if you don't like that "Real America," well, in the words of we liberals, you can move to Canada. Or build a time machine. Because the fifties are over. We are no longer biased, conservative, religious, European-hating, bigots. Yes, these haters will still always be in our midsts. I'll fight with them over email tomorrow, no doubt. But then I'll have a beer with them. Hopefully.

Hussein is not an unamerican middle name. People were smart enough to know that the Harvard educated, pull up his boot straps, chain smoking, son of a single parent was not a Muslim. Voters of this country know that the man called Osama by his detractors is not a terrorist or a communist. He is an American. Like all of us.

I'll complain about our country very soon, no doubt. I'll hear faggot and the vein on my head will pop out. I'll see a guy in a Ed Hardy shirt, with a chin strap beard and a blow out and I'll think about moving to the south of France. But for now, I feel good. I feel happy to be an American. I feel that while issues of race will never be eradicated from our culture, we just took a huge step in ending our racial divide.

For those of you who didn't vote for Barack, I hope your immediate rage will subside. You will see he is not a racist or a terrorist. He doesn't hate white people and he won't take your money and hand it out to those who you feel work less diligently than you. And if you can put your anger aside for a minute, think about what your country has just done. We have elected a person who will represent us with honor and dignity. He is smart, thoughtful, smart, honorable, smart, and kind. You will see he is not an angry black man who will lead our country into the ground. As I said months ago, he will not appoint Wu Tang Clan to his cabinet. He is a great man and a great American.

Those who read this know what race issues mean to me. I'm not sure why race relations have become so important to me. Maybe it's my guilt for being a racist in my teens. But maybe it's because I relaized that it is a real problem and one that is based solely in stupidity, because why should we hate those that look different than us? That is what horrible people throughout history have done. That is what stupid people do.

And we are not a stupid country. We have had our dark moments and not everyday of the next four years will be perfect, but today I feel proud. Forty years ago, Barack Obama had to drink out of a different water fountain than I did. Not because he was inferior to me, but because he happened to be born with a skin color that was different than mine.

And tonight, that same country that wouldn't let Barack Hussein Obama drink out of my water fountain just forty years ago, elected him as president.

President of the United States of America.

President of the greatest country on Earth.

And for once, I'm actually not being sarcastic when I say that.