USA! USA! USA!

As many of you know, I hate America. I wish I were British, I root for the UK squad in World Cup play, I prefer British rock bands, I always root for the "underdog" countries in war (that's mostly a joke by the way). I hate our president, I like three states (two and a quarter seeing as where Mass has Fanuiel Hall), I hate The Ryder Cup team, and I dislike 98% of Americans.

But for some strange reason that no one can explain (and my brother is fascinated by this), I love the USofA come olympic time.

Why?

Frankly, I have no idea. But I do have a few theories. One is that despite how hard I try to NOT be a sports guy, I really like athletic competition. Another is that I love that football is NOT a sport in the olympics. I also love that when discussing the olympics, I realize that a good deal of the people I hate (read: idiots) don't like the olympics. I also love that there is a segment of the population that says, "The olympics aren't my thing" and these are often the same people that make me wish I wasn't an American, so because I am a non conformist, I love the olympic games. But it's more than just being a douche. I really do love the olympics. And here are the thirty reasons why I love the olympics....

30. That Rumor That In '04 They Ran Out Of Condoms In The Olympic Village- Imagine the scene at the olympics? Talk about the best bar on Earth! I'm sure that, as an athlete, you're psyched to be there, but you also must say as you're flying toward your competition, "man, I might get some nice vageen over there..." If that thought doesn't cross your mind, then you are off your game. Imagine the night after your event is over? It's like the last day of school/college graduation/Fourth of July/Bachelor party/Barbecue at your place and you don't have to drive all rolled into one. You just got the gold, your flight isn't until four days from now... Drink Up... And Bang!

29. Seeing Sports That Make You Say, "Hey, I Could Do That!"- I grew up with a pool and I can't swim. I run a 10K six days a week and I'd get lapped three times over if I were to compete in that event. Pole vault? Please... I can't do that in a video game. But team handball? All I could ever do athletically was throw and catch. I'm slower than Mike Lowell with a hip injury, and despite the fact that I left weights all the time, I have no real world strength. I can't bend it like Beckham and I'm probably a 45% free throw shooter. So what can I do with my catch and throw skills?!? TEAM HANDBALL BABY! I'm big enough, I'm in shape enough to lope up and down that court, and most importnatly, I can catch and throw. So where are the team handball try outs for 2012, because I'm in!

28. Weight Lifting- They use phrases called "jerk" and "snatch." Yes, I'm 34. Yes, I find this funny. And yes, you do too.

27. The Opening Ceremonies- Because you might see a girl who looks like this...


26. The Insane Logos- I have to say, I'm a sucker for logos. I think this is genetic as my lil sis Molly has long been a fan of all things logo/emblem (some logos I love: Pan Mass Challenge, Cingular, Sun Microsystems, Atari, Nike, Tiger Wood's logo, Hartford Whalers emblem, Montreal Expos) and she should make them as a living. But these Beijing Pablo Picasso wannabe stick figure logos are off the charts. Check out the hoops dunking one...

25. Trash Talking- The olympics are supposed to be all lovey dovey, but I love that people/teams are all set with each other. It's supposed to be all puppies and ice cream, but it's not. And that's awesome. Fuck you world. Try to beat us Americanos. Because you can't. Unless it's some sport we don't give a shit about.

24. The Literature- I'm engrossed by all stories olympic. I often hate the sports section at this time of year (fuckin football pre-season), but in an olympic year? So money. I love reading about the money spent (23 billion? Are you serious?), but what I really love reading about is everything else. The participants, the rules, the games, the changes... Everything. I don't think there has been a human in the land who has Wikipediaed olympic related questions more than me over the past five days. Need to know handball rules? Need to know that Wes Piermarini went to UMass (Go... Go U...)? Need to know the new gymnastics scoring system? Come to olympic superfan Gerard, 'cause I got your answers...

23. Dubya Showing Up Everywhere- I mean, you all know my feelings on this guy. But he showed up at beach volleyball... And hoops! And he toted his daughter along! It would have been cooler if he toted his drunk, state school educated daughter, but he didn't, and so that makes it not ULTRA cool, but still. The guys the prez and he was amongst seven fans watching beach volleyball. Plus, I think I liked it because I saw the leader of the free world had back sweat, which is a real issue for me personally...

22. The Commercials- I got soul, but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... Yeah, you know you gotta help me out... I got chills, but I'm not a loser... I got chills, but I'm not a loser... You know you just kicked my ass... YEEEEAAAAAH! (Marylou! Pre! MJ! And Lester!)



21. Synchronized Diving- Because regardless of my man crushes on Pitt, Clooney, Beckham, and Beringer; my $60 haircuts; my fancy jeans; and my love for chick lit; there is no one who is more ambiguously gay than these cats...

20. Badminton- I mean, for serious, this is an olympic sport?!? That same one you play in the back yard while holding a High Life. How awesome is that? When are they making darts an olympic sport?

19. Sunday Night's Swim Relay- Honestly, this country sucks. I like like 17 people total out of the whole place. And Sunday night was literally the best sporting event I've ever seen. Now, I know that you always hear this from and at the end of the day, was it really better than this years Cees or the '04 Sox? Probably not. But this IS Three Days Is Kinda Money and I only speak in hyperbole, so for the here and now, it doesn't get better than that. How can that dude possibly have made up that margin in ten strokes? it makes no sense! It was so awesome. Making it even more awesome was...

18. We Beat the French- All I do is defend the French. Seriously. I fuckin hate this country. I like France way more. They score an 11 on the coolness factor while we score a negative six. But Sunday night? Fuck the French. And their croissants...

17. Natalie Coughlin- Until one of you makes me famous, this is the best my surname has done. If she only realized that she were a goddamn American and we pronounced our name coff-lin, not cog-lin, then maybe I'd like her a bit more. That said, it's cool to see your name on the NBC in-the-pool graphic come race time.

16. Did I Mention the Commercials?-


15. Monochromatic Navy Blue- While nothing will top monochromatic maroon (UMass in the 1AA football finals) or monochromatic black (me everyday at the gym), monochromatic navy blue is pretty awesome. While other countries go with ridiculous colors (stop it Brazil and Sweden), the USofA has a classy navy. It's sleek and stylish and I've always loved it. I love it most on the English National Futbol Team, but it looks great on the Americans. Particularly when they are ripping spikes in six on six volleyball.

14. Bela Karolyi- Just seeing this guy makes me happy. Mostly because I know that there is a guy who is a worse human than me roaming the Earth, but that's irrlevant. We know this guys name. Why? Because he coaches an insane sport that we care about every four years.. And I love that he makes the most of it... Get paid Bela, even if you are a goon...

13. The Pose Down- Nothing made me prouder than the 4x100 relay pose down from 2000. Everyone here had a meltdown- largely because the team was all black- but that was an olympic moment. Why? Because everyone is always so "nice" in the olympics and this brought some freshness to the program. I love how much people hated this and it seems hypocritical seeing as where I love my low key guys (Mariano), but this was great. We smoked you world. Deal with it. If you don't like it... Get good and beat us...


12. Pros Play- They play in hoops, but they play in soccer, tennis, and hockey too. And I love it. It's the olympics. You send your best. And the best play professionally. Don't like it? Go to a AA baseball game. Get your "amateur" fill there. This is the world's stage and I want to see the best. Who do I want to see in the tennis final? Why, two guys named Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. Anything else would be a bummer. If you don't like this, then you are either old or dense. And it sucks to be both. Bring on the best. It shouldn't be any other way...

11. Water Polo Goalie- Because I thought my job sucked.

10. Skanky Outfits- Be it beach volleyball (for dudes) or swimming (for chicks), seeing really fit, scantily clad people is cool. I'm a personal fan of the middle distance runners. Think these girls have eaten a Cinnabon? Ever?

9. The Three Dots Over The iji in Beiing- Thanks Molly. You were right. it does look nice...

8. Fencing- This sport is awesome because if it were 700 years ago, fencing would actually be called "swording" and the loser would likely die. In an age where duels are gone (I could name fifteen people I'd give my left nut to duel RIGHT NOW!), this is all we have. It would be way cooler if there were two people out there with samurai swords (Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes maybe?) battling away. But since we've progressed as a society, so we can't have that. So fencing we got.

7. Lando Calrissian Throwing Out The First Ball- Woops. Got my athletic events confused. Lando threw out the ball at Sox/Sox. It was just so cool I got confused...

6. USA Softball- How awesome is this? No one will admit it, but the USofA is so goddamn good at softball that they are chucking the event as an olympic sport. At first, I was upset, but then it made me laugh. It felt like that neighborhood game where you made upo some proposterous rule just to defeat someone you hated. I'll never foget the time when I hit a homer in the cavernous wiffle ball park that was Bibeau Stadium. I was the first "not high school kid" to hit one out of this huge park. I was also the most hated out of these non high school kids (fuckin Mike Fay ten years my senior always wanted to fight me because I was so damn good) and so I went to four o'clock mass with my mom (probably the last time I was in a church) and came back and Ted, Gregg, Mark, and Jeff had all "homered" while I left. Weird, huh? So that makes me love USA softball. Get good or go home. And if you can't get good, then nix the sport. The world is filled with pussies....

5. Winning Multiple Medals- Seriously, if you know me, I know this makes no sense. But I root so hard for the US. And nothing is better than multiple medals. I love when a favorite (Natile Coughlin) wins and then when another, less known teammate medals. It's incredible. But nothing tops a sweep. Nice work fencing chicks...

4. A Brother In The Pool- In the words of Nat X, I guess my people have decided to dominate yet another sport...

3. Womens Weightlifting- Holy shit! All things considered, I've actually slept with really good looking women!

2. Cable Coverage- Honestly, what the hell were we doing back in 1976? We can see EVERYTHING now and you know what? I LOVE it!!! I love that I can see archery, rowing, badminton (I'm currently watching the guys who Ortiz and Urlacher played in the Vitamin Water commercial), and swimming all in the same night (watching the olympics is made even better when you are a worthless teacher in August). Also, the commentators they choose for the events are phenomenal. They break down the events without insulting the viwer and it really is great. I have no plans to watch a movie or go out for the next week and a half and that is solely because of the olympics.

1. USA Hoops- LeBron... Kobe... Carmelo... CP3... Bosh... Did you expect something else? My boys... In monochromatic navy... Smoking a bunch of pussy Europeans... USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!