Are The Lyrics Of The Year From The Song Of The Year?

It's time for my favorite post of the year. It will be wordy and you will be bored at times, but hopefully, you will find yourself downloading a new tune or two.

But in a year with a tremendous volume of high profile (at least in my indie-poseur world) bands releasing big albums, you would have thought there would have been more lights out songs. Alas, there were not. While there were some great albums (Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay, Vampire Weekend, Death Cab For Cutie, and an amazing one by Ra Ra Riot), there were tons of disappointments (Beck, Weezer, Foo Fighters, Kanye West, Gnarls Barkley) and then there were some albums that were really solid, but couldn't be considered great because the same bands had released albums in previous years that were all better (Bloc Party, The Killers, Cold War Kids, Snow Patrol, Wolf Parade, Kings of Leon, Oasis, Ray LaMontagne, The Hold Steady, and even my beloved TV On The Radio).

Looking back on my list from last year, I was pretty happy with it. I got most everything right, but I did err a few times ("Apartment Story" needs to be 2, "All of My Friends" needs to be top ten). Looking over the music from 2007, there was not a single song from this year's list that would have made it into the Top 8. But, even still, there were some amazing songs. Strangely, hip hop made some inroads with me this year. Not enough for me to start wearing straight brimmed hats and over sized jeans, but it looked a lot closer to the glory days of 92-93 than it has had in recent years.

Okay, enough. Here are the 59 best songs of 2008. The qualifications to make the list are simple: When the noise created by the musicians together eminates from the speakers of the stereo and into my ears, is it a pleasurable experience? Extra points are always given for songs that can be played at a party, ridiculous lyrics (although bad lyrics can never hurt a song. See #3 below.), the "who is THIS?" feeling, and a song that makes you want to run really, REALLY fast. The list grew, but remember, quantity does not always equal quality...

59. "Life In Technicolor"- Coldplay: The first of several from my boys who made the album of the year. And it's an instrumental. All 2008 playlists should begin with this song. Two and a half minutes of happiness.

58. "American Boy"- Estelle Featuring Kanye West: About the only thing my favorite rapper/trash talker/Bush Hater did all year. Such a great little diddy. A must on a party CD where the guests have wildly differing musical tastes. It'll be a uniter.

57. "Bleeding Love"- Leona Lewis: Loved it the first time I heard it. Loved it a little less the 787th time I heard it. But drop it on a playlist in three years and we'll see then that it is a keeper.

56. "Everybody Get Dangerous"- Weezer: Weezer being Weezer here. And while it is not "My Name Is Jonas," "Keep Fishin'," or even "Photograph," it was still plenty rocking. And in this year of mediocrity, that is good enough for me.

55. "All Summer Long"- Kid Rock: I always kept it on in the car, okay?

54. "Run"- Gnarls Barkley: When I first heard this song, I had visions of a potential album of the year candidate. And while the rest of the album stinks, you can't hold that against them. Try not running around in circles when you hear this song.

53. "Spaceman"- The Killers: People want to automatically hate them (you Bill Simmons) and the hype makes people look at them with a wary eye, but they are now four albums deep (including their highly underrated B Sides disc) and they make great alt rock songs. There Return To The 80s efforts may not have been a dead bullseye, but this is a great song. Although the best thing they did all year was show up in that Olympic Nike commercial.

52. "Supernatural Superserious"- R.E.M.: Lost in the sea of big releases was this gem by a band that I think has gotten better and better and has never been fully appreciated for how hard they rock (listen to "What's The Frequency Kenneth" please) as they are best known for semi-folksy ballads. But this tune showed them at their rocking best. I wish they would bust out the electric guitar more often.

51. "Soldier's Grin"- Wolf Parade: An awesome band who delivered my bro's album of the year have some songs that run a bit long. But the CD blows up with this awesome intro. It then makes you go back and buy their old CD, which, if released this year, would have two songs in the top ten. Still a great effort though.

50. "Live Your Life"- T.I. Featuring Rihanna: Any hip hop song that evokes memories of Naughty By Nature (Love that "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY-EYYYYYYYY") has to make the list. This dude gives me hope for hip hop.

49. "M79"- Vampire Weekend: Ignore the backlash and ignore the pretentiousness. These guys released an amazing album and "M79" is just one of many examples of their ridiculous catchiness.

48. "One Month Off"- Bloc Party: The fact that these guys aren't way more appreciated befuddles me. Yes, their debut is loved and extremely well reviewed, but their last two albums have been liked at best and ripped at worst. Why that is, I'll never know. But I do know that the music industry has changed and there are tons of bands out there, many of whom are a flavor of the week, but these guys continue to kill it and although you'll always recognize Kele's voice, their songs are all so wildly different. And I love them for that.

47. "Sequestered In Memphis"- The Hold Steady: How more of you people who like classic rock DON'T like this band is beyond me. Remember, it's okay to like something new.

46. "Manhattan"- Kings Of Leon: My love/hate relationship with this band continues. But man do they make ridiculously good songs.

45. "L.E.S. Artistes"- Santogold: Got to the party way late on this one. She is doing a great job of keeping this run of awesome female rockers/pop stars/rappers going. This seems to be everyones favorite and it absolutely should be on everyones holiday party late night mix.

44. "Gamma Ray"- Beck: Like Weezer above, this is Beck being Beck and that's a good thing. But in the last couple of years, we've been bombarded with amazing talent on the indie rock/alt scene and so the old veterans have to turn it up. And while Beck turned it up somewhat with this single, he needs to do more.

43. "Crack The Shutters"- Snow Patrol: In the words of Will Hunting, "Ibid, your honor."


42. "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You"- Black Kids: In the same vein as The Go! Team and that is a really, really good thing. This could be the dance song of the year and it should immediately be on your running playlist. As I write this, I realize it should probably be higher on the list.

41. "Oh, La"- Ra Ra Riot: As I said at the outset, this is one of the best albums of the year and this track with it's multiple changes and unbelievable vocals is one of their gems.

40. "Death And All His Friends"- Coldplay: God, this album has so many good songs. And a text book way for a wildly popular band to end their epic and finest record is to have THIS song wrap things up. It's almost like Wicked Good Album 101 to do that and it Coldplay aced that course with this tune.

39. "Crying"- TV On The Radio: Somehow, these guys keep amazing me. This is exactly the career path bands should follow. Try something new, but keep to the old from time to time. With "Crying," TVOTR has somehow made a wannabe 1970s Earth Wind and Fire song sound completely new and completely appropriate. People will have no idea that the same band that wrote "Staring At the Sun" wrote this song.

38. "Got Money"- Lil Wayne: The hip hop resurgence continues with another great artist. People used to dump on me for dumping on hip hop seven or eight years ago when it was dominated by stupid 50 Cent and the wildly overrated Eminem. Compare those two clowns- along with the other ridiculous rappers like Jadakiss and Ja Rule- to the genre changing performers of today (Kanye, Common, Lupe Fiasco and Lil Wayne) and you'll know why I hated hip hop. Good for Lil Wayne for making something different. And not mentioning Cristal and 22s.

37. "Pop Lie"- Okkervil River: Who'd have thunk I'd like a band who is compared to Dylan?!? At least I can understand his "genius" lyrics.

36. "Dawn of the Dead"- Does It Offend You, Yeah?: No, I don't like the song just because it's one of my favorite horror movies. I like the song because it is Brit Pop at its best. Another great song in that long line of alt rock/80s Techno songs that I oh so love.

35. "Time To Pretend"- MGMT: Once again bringing that techno sound to rock. Sure, when done poorly, it sounds like Asia, but when done well, it sounds like Depeche Mode. MGMT is like Depeche Mode without the pain and devestation. All that upbeat attitude makes this one of the catchiest songs of the year.

34. "Lust"- The Raveonettes: As I said, an album of the year and this is one of the songs that you just need to hear. What makes me love Indie Rock are bands like this.

33. "Campus"- Vampire Weekend: Seriously, stop hating.

32. "Mercy"- Duffy: So begins a stretch of some really, really cheesey pop songs. However, I guess this is what happens when it is a down year in indie rock. If Duffy was actually marketed differently, she might have been this years "It Girl." While she isn't Amy Winehouse, she certainly could have been close to Kate Nash. How she got marketed as a pop tart is surprising when you listen to the album. But whatever. When I first heard those opening synth/drum beats, I was hooked. Nice work Duffy.

31. "Always Where I Need To Be"- The Kooks: I've never seen so many girls at a concert in my life. Of course, I have never been to a New Kids show. Oh yeah, the song is really catchy too.

30. "Hey Hey Girl"- The Virgins: This is probably a band with little staying power and there are those that will call them too poppy, but this is one of those songs that if I played this in a room, five people would ask who it is. It would be like that scene in High Fidelity. Only the record store I owned would just be my living room.

29. "New Soul"- Yael Naim: If you don't like this song, you have no soul. And LD, this HAS to be your song of the year!

28. "Sometime Around Midnight"- The Airborne Toxic Event: This would have been much higher on the list had I not heard it every nine second on the FNX morning show. That said, those are some pretty awesome lyrics. We all know something about jealousy, but this guy might be a little more jealous than most of us.


27. "The 59 Sound"- The Gaslight Anthem: Was a top tenner until I saw them. Their wannabe coolness makes The Bravery look as cool as The National. That said, this Bruce Springsteen by way of John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band was an immediate, "Who the hell is this?!?" when I first heard it. And that reaction always gets you on the list.

26. "This Is Your Life"- The Killers: Exactly what makes me love Brandon and the boys. Soaring vocals, tons of musical changes... In fifteen years, they will seriously have one of THE BEST Greatest Hits Albums of all time, because when they get it right, boy do they get it right.

25. "Whatever You Like"- T.I.: Two T.I. songs on my list? No, Ed Lover is not writing this blog.

24. "The Shock Of The Lightning"- Oasis: Continuing the trend of Great Bands NOT Doing Their Greatest Work, Oasis did manage to find one classic with this song. They'll always be awesome and the fact that I just LIKE this album, really makes me appreciate just how good they are, because you know what? There really are not any terrible songs on here, there's just no "Wonderwall" (what's a music post without a "Wonderwall" comment?) or a "Don't Look Back In Anger" on it. And I need to come to grips with that because those are some pretty lofty expectations. Stupid expectations. They killed The Phantom Menace too.

23. "Use Somebody"- Kings Of Leon: I guess I just have to come to grips with the fact that I like these guy. And if it were 1971 and there was no such thing as alternative rock, they'd be Lynard Skynard. So, does that mean I like Lynard Skynard?

22. "Ion Square"- Bloc Party: Is it possible that I just like these guys so much because they are gay, British, AND black and those are three things I'd love to be?!?

21. "Viva La Vida"- Coldplay featuring Joe Satriani: Wait, who's this band again?

20. "Old Highs New Lows"- Bob Mould: Quite possibly the most underrated musician of the past 25 years. And that's not even a Big G overstatement (don't believe me? Please, please, please go out and purchase Sugar Copper Blue ) Like me, Bob is now old, but with his old age comes wisdom and reflection. The title tells you everything you need to know about the song and to all my older readers, let me just say that you'll commiserate with Bob on this one.

19. "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"- Beyonce: From Bob Mould to Beyonce. Listen, even I don't understand myself, okay? This song is what this type of music should be all about. Oh and by the way, this will be the most requested song for a bridesmaid dance/bachelorette party/take your friend out after she's been dumped for the next, oh... 87 years.

18. "Atom"- British Sea Power: All the things rock should be. Love the slow build. The distortion at the end could go, but that's what the right arrow on your iPod click wheel is for.

17. "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It"- Snow Patrol: Yes, I said that this album was nothing new, but like so many others on this list, this is Ireland's finest at their ABSOLUTE finest. Points for the lyrics and Gary Lightbody's RIDICULOUS vocals at the 2:40 mark of the song.

16. "Business Time"- Flight Of The Conchords: Okay, not only is this painfully funny and amazingly true for so many relationships, but it also weirdly... Rocks. It's so good that I bought a tee shirt with a line from the song. And exactly zero people know what the tee shirt is referring to. I hate people.


15. "Grey Estates"- Wolf Parade: A super solid album. And this is the pick of the litter. I love the vox and the catchiness. Definitely an entire CD worth picking up.

14. "Halfway Home"- TV On The Radio: Are Tunde and company really making a ba ba ba happen?!? They certainly are. Another song with "the build." Should be the first song on your long run playlist. You'll be flying when it kicks in.

13. "Grounds For Divorce"- Elbow: Are they serious with this song? Omigod it rocks. And watch the video too, just to see a beer mug turned into an extremely effective instrument.

12. "Hallucinations"- The Raveonettes: Top ten album of the year right here. Great stuff that seems to have been forgotten on many critics' lists. The guitar riff will have you playing air guitar in front of your mirror. Unless, of course, it's released for Rock Band 3. Then you can say you were "playing a game."

11. "Dig"- Incubus: Yup. I know. All credibility lost. But in defense of me, listen to the song and try to remove the image of that tool lead singer from your mind. Difficult, I know. But for me... Please? Pretty please? Let me maintain some sense of dignity.


10. "Lights Out"- Santogold: Okay, months ago, I heard this song in Diesel (the coffee shop, not the jeans store). I didn't want to seem unhip so I didn't ask the really hip people behind the counter who this was. Instead, I went home and searched every female singer from Sinead Lohan to Melissa Branch (seriously) to Kate Perry. And I came up with nothing. And then I was listening to this hyped Santogold chick and boom... It was like discovering a twenty in last years winter coat. Only the twenty was a C Note because that's how AWESOME this song is.


9. "You Are the Best Thing"- Ray LaMontagne: I have such a soft spot for this guy. Listen to this song and tell me you don't think of a modern day Otis Redding. He's so good. And his lyrics. Are you kidding me? They are made even better when someone tells you that they wish they wrote this song for you. ;)

8. "Can You Tell"- Ra Ra Riot: The debut band of the year crushes it with this song. Super catchy, just the right length, and then you hear the lyrics. The result? A Top Tenner.


7. "After Hours"- We Are Scientists: My thoughts some months ago in the car: Hey, I kind of liked these guys first disc. I should throw this new one in and give it a shot. This is pretty catchy... It's a really nice day out... What should I have for lunch... God I hate Angela Singer... Wait... What the hell is THIS song?!? Months later, you have a song of the year. Download it, love it, or I'll give you your $0.99 back.


6. "Oxford Comma"- Vampire Weekend: Try not singing along to it.

5. "Strawberry Swing"- Coldplay: They've played virtually every other song on the radio but THIS is still the hands down best on the album. It's this amazing mix of mellow, yet upbeat. Ballady, yet rocky. I don't know how anyone can say this is anything BUT the album of the year.

4. "Something Is Not Right With Me"- Cold War Kids: If I said it once, I said it a thousand times: Incredible. And two minutes. Bri says this thing has become a Cold War Kid fan site. I say I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Nathan is referring to a Matthew Sweet song in his lyrics. Even better.

3. "Sex On Fire"- Kings Of Leon: Okay, who wrote this thing, Gene Simmons? Regardless, this is the sing-a-long anthem of the year (as evidenced by 3000 people screaming it at The Orpheum last month) and I love it. Right down to the horrific lyrics. And on a side note, what would you give to have this guys voice? I legit thought about this for forty minutes yesterday. I said that if I could shoot myself in the top of the foot and feel the pain for an hour but then have a full recovery with nary a limp or a scar in exchange for one night with Caleb's voice, then I'd do it. Yup, you're friends with me.

2. "Cath..."- Death Cab For Cutie: Is it possible for a song to have the saddest lyrics ever AND be ridiculously catchy at the same time? Well, Death Cab managed to do that. They also managed to write- in about 20 lines- a story that has taken me seven years, 90 rejection letters, and 350 pages to write. Can I sue them for copyright infringement?


BIG FAT CHEAT!!! "Blank Slate"- The National: A way old song, but it cam out THIS year on The Virginia EP!!! That counts! And really, who DIDN'T see this coming?!?

1. "Le Ruse"- Tapes 'N Tapes: This is not Big G being Pretentious Music Big G. I kept trying to NOT make this my number one song of the year and then I realized... It IS my song of the year. Because it is so good. I absolutely love music that transcends generations and improves on something that we all think is impossible to improve on. There is a finite amount of music out there and at some point, don't we have to run out? Isn't one rock song really like the next?!? They all rip off from each other. Well, Tapes 'N Tapes showed me that you CAN make ridiculously awesome music, even if it sounds like other music. That is what these guys have done. They have taken the straight up rock song and well... Rocked it. This song could be a Stones song, a Zeppelin tune, a Pearl Jam jam, a Nirvana diddy, an Oasis rocker, or a Foo single. But it's not. It's a rock song by a band that hardly anybody has heard of and it will rock with the best of them. But that is part of what I hate about today's music. "Le Ruse" is all mine and I love that. But because of the number of bands out there, the various formats, and the fact that the wheel has already been invented, nothing today can be properly appreciated because it didn't come first. Had Tapes 'N Tapes had the good fortune of being born thirty years earlier, they would be much more appreciated. But because they weren't they will never get the credit they should. And this song NEEDS to get some credit. From the opening distortion, to the bridge in the middle, to the anthemic vocals at the end, "Le Ruse" is the song of the year. And in a day and age where people (my old, refusing to change friends) lament music, Tapes 'N Tapes shows us that it is still possible to just rock out, with nary a scarf, viola, hipster beard, or keyboard in sight. Just four guys, some guitars, a drum kit and amps cranked to eleven. Bravo Tapes 'N Tapes.

The Most Gratuitous Show On Television

Well looky here! Two posts in less than 24 hours! I'm in the zone!

Anyways, I've always wanted to do a running diary of something and write as it happens. I've thought about doing the Academy Awards, but I like that too much and just want to pay attention to it. I've also thought about doing a movie and just pointing out all the awesomeness in every scene. But you people would make it through nine lines of that. And so as I was flipping through the channels, I stumbled across a show on CBS at 10:00pm last night. I was mad at myself for forgetting it was on. I was even madder that my computer wasn't near me. But anyways, here it is. Th First Annual Running Diary of The Victoria Secret Fashion Show, which is better known as the show that makes men and women alike want to slice fat off of their love handles as they watch. I think I've watched this show before and I think it's bad. But that should make it all the more fun. And sorry this isn't out until the day after. My editor wanted to look it over. So, without further ado...

10:00: Hey look! A washed up former VS model is hosting. Heidi Klum. This thing has a host?
10:01: Look at these credits?!? This cast rivals True Romance.
10:01: Whoa... Hey... Who is Miranda Kerr?!? Aside from a girl who will never like me...
10:02: Is that Usher as a musical guest?!? Oh God... This show is going to have every B List star alive. I guarantee Diddy is in the house...
10:03: Giant wings... Very practical... I haven't met girls who wear those...
10:04: Please read five lines above and note the time... I swear to God this is happening in real time, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Diddy. Next to Martha Stewart I think.
10:04: Here's my first in a series of Marisa Miller questions and it's for the ladies: Do you guys hate on her like you hate on every other woman or do you take my Brad/George/Becks/Leo stance and just admit how ridiculously awesome she is?
10:05: And a Paris Hilton shot... I swear to God I did not see this before my opening remarks... You people know State Capitals, dangling participles, and math formulas. I know me B List.
10:06: I like that Usher is singing a very current and timely song...
10:07: Two things confirmed... One, I am more prescient than Nostradamus... Two, that is Diddy... Two seats over from K Mart's own Martha Stewart. How did I lose so much betting on football games back in college with this ESP I have?
10:07: Duhammel... The B List continues..
10:11: Can you imagine a worse room to be in if you are a softball catcher than this giant "hair and makeup room?" And there is no way, absolutely NO WAY these girls like each other. It's not humanly possible. I'd love to have a hidden camera and listen to Alessandra talk about how she saw Adrianna eating a piece of celery with PEANUT BUTTER earlier in the day and how fat she looks because of it.
10:13: Hey, look. A guy with bongos who no one has ever heard of.
10:14: Next Marisa Miller question: If you were her high school boyfriend, how exactly, are you functioning sexually these days? That 33 year old mother of three sitting next to you on the couch can't be getting it done, can it? And when you tell your college buddies that you used to hit that, do they laugh so hard that they can't breath or do they just look at you for a few seconds and go back to their beers?
10:18: Was that Jeff Gordon and his Judd wife?
10:18: The big guns continue to roll out... Brett Ratner... Director of Rush Hour 2!
10:19: No way that doughnut Marisa is eating is real. It was digitally inserted in. Really, she was eating a paper towel.

10:24: The Killers! Nice! You know my sex drive is waning when the highlight of the night is a song by an all male band.
10:26: Shot of Lenny Kravitz as Adrianna Lima walks out... As many of you likely know, they used to date. For a while. And she says she is a virgin. Lenny walks down the street and lays women just by looking at them. There is no way that Adrianna spent time with Lenny and didn't get defiled.
10:27: There's Diddy. Applauding a model in Granny Panties. Man, he's lost his way.
10:28: Marisa question #3... Are they real?
10:28: My future ex-wife has a cut on the back of her foot. I know a guy who can fix that.... Trainer Steve Mirasolo!!!
10:29: The VS girls are talking about bad pick up lines. There are guys that actually talk to these women without dry heaving from nervousness?
10:29: Just what I want to see on the VS fashion show... Girls in one piece bathing suits dancing that are not VICTORIA SECRET MODELS!!!!! I paid to see U2! Not a U2 cover band!!!
10:30: That's nice. They invited a burn victim to the show... Oh wait, that's just Seal.
10:32: I guarantee these women survive on a 175 calorie a day diet.
10:33: Another thing I don't want to see at the VS Fashion Show. Women in winter clothing. If I wanted to see that, I'd walk down Comm Ave on a Friday night in January. More skin please!
10:37: Hey, a commercial for Mt. Auburn Hospital! The very place I was born! And many years later, the very same place I'd have my first rectal exam!
10:38: Nice! Usher's back! CBS definitely wants to make this the Victoria Secret Fashion Show circa 2005. At least they'd have Gisele there, thus insuring them at least one A Lister.
10:41: Speaking of Usher, in my mid-twenties, when I really wanted to know how to dance better, I taped the Usher "U Remind Me" video and I would watch it over and over, attempting to learn his moves. True story.
10:42: THAT'S the President Of Victoria's Secret? I don't think she started as a model.
10:43: God this show is awful, but wait... Is that..? Bloc Party! "Banquet!" Yes! Holy shit! I'm so happy now! But wait. My two favorite parts of this show are all male bands, one of whom is fronted by a gay man. Do I officially need to sort some things out?
10:46: Marisa question #4: If you are currently dating her and you have the "what should we do for dinner tonight?" conversation for the umpteenth time, are you annoyed with her or do you roll with it because she's... You know... Marisa Miller?
10:47: My brother just walked in and said these two things: "Marisa Miller is kind of a butterface" and "some of these girls asses aren't that good." True story. Between his penchant for neatness and comments like these, I sometimes wonder if he was adopted.
10:47: Out strolls Adrianna Lima. She just walked by Lenny and he dropped his seed in her. Again.
10:48: They have my future ex-wife in the evenings worst outfit. And the more I look at her, the more I'm beginning to think she's 18.
10:49: Commercial time. Three things: This show has more commercials than Oprah. I haven't watched something this disappointingly bad since the second Matrix. What the hell are all these TV shows that CBS is advertising?

10:50: WBZ News says Whitey is turning himself in. No way The Brother of The Former President of The University of Massachusetts is turning himself in. He's enjoying Venezuela too much.
10:52: Here comes the big finale. The only way this show is going to rally is if Marisa's silicon tit falls out or we see Adrianna Lima come out nine months pregnant from Kravitz's super sperm.
10:55: Final Marisa Miller question: If you're having drinks at Maryanne's and there is a table of hot, skankily dressed BC girls talking about how good looking you are and you happen to overhear them, do you chat them up on the way to the bathroom?
10:55: Who do you think these models are pointing to when they gesture to someone in the audience? Their mothers and fathers for giving them these genes? Their plastic surgeon? Their agent? Boyfriend? Kravitz?
10:57: Safety pin located! Crisis averted! These girls have a tough job. This morning on FNX, they were talking about recession proof jobs. Is Victoria's Secret Model recession proof?
10:58: Here comes the big finale... The models come out... They bow... They look thin and hot... They run back stage and talk about the after party (which will be full of White Russians made with heavy cream and meatloaf sandwiches I'm sure)... My 18 year old future ex-wife thanks me for watching... And over...
10:59: Can I have the last hour of my life back?

As LL Cool J Said, Don't Call It A Comeback

come·back (kŭm'bāk') n. A return to formerly enjoyed status or prosperity: The film star made an unexpected comeback.

The key word there is FORMERLY. A person makes a comeback when they had a FORMERLY enjoyed status. Take, for example, the Hollywood career of John Travolta.

As we all know, John Travolta was on top of the world in the late seventies with his turn as Danny Zuko in Grease and then as a "Mistah Kaater" bothering Vinnie Barbarino in Welcome Back Kotter. Then things started to go south for Vinnie Barbarino. He had a modicum of success with Urban Cowboy in 1980 and Staying Alive in 1983, but then he all but disappeared until 1994 when he reapperaed as some fat ganster who really dug swine named Vincent Vega. If it weren't for Look Who's Talking in 1989, we'd have thought that Travolta was holed up in a bunker drinking Narragansetts while reminiscing the glory days with Micky Dolenz and Danny Bonaduce.

After Pulp, Travolta went on to become the highest paid actor in Hollywood, owner of his own jet, and Oprah's favorite white person.

Now THAT's a comeback.

Other examples might be Jason Bateman (nothing for the twelve years between portraying David Hogan on the mildly successful Valerie and his cult star status on Arrested Development) and Robert Downey Jr. (I swear he died at one point).

But you know who is not a "comeback?"

Britney Spears. And that's because she never went anywhere.

Since Brit burst onto the scene in 1999, she has released six albums (which is infinitely more than Guns N' Roses released in the same time span) which have totalled 85 million in sales. She has won some type of award in seven of the nine years she has been on the scene. She won Grammys, Billboard Music Awards, and VMAs. She has starred in a movie (which while bad, never shows up on all time worst lists... Glitter usually takes its place), had a cameo in a summer blockbuster, won rave reviews for her appearance on How I Met Your Mother, and shown up on COUNTLESS magazine covers and tabloid shows (I literally mean countless) and just two days ago, she was announced to be the most searched person on Yahoo! over the past year (on a side note, there are people who still use Yahoo! as a search engine?!? I haven't used anything but Google for a search since Al Gore invented the internet). Finally, I get my Rolling Stone this month and who is on the cover?!? If you guessed Mandy Moore, you are incorrect.

My point? This ubiquitous "Britney Comeback" I keep hearing about is anything but a comeback.

Because she never left.

Honestly, can you think of a stretch of time where you HAVEN'T seen Britney Spears? I'll ask you these questions right now...

What did her outfit look like when she wore the snake around her neck at the VMAs?
What was on underneath that black suit in her original VMA appearance?
What is her ex-husbands name?
What's the name of the dude she married in Vegas?
What funky haircut did she go with a couple years back?
What happened to her when she interviewed with someone on a "big" TV interview? Who interviewed her?
Has she had issues with her children?
Who did she appear in all white with on stage and what happened during that appearance?

I could ask more, but I know you already know the answers. And why am I asking you all these questions?!? Because in her nine years of famousness (is that even a word?), she has never "disappeared." Ergo, there can NEVER be a Britney Spears comeback because she NEVER LEFT!!! She has been making videos, movies, albums, and appearances galore for her entire existence. While Bateman and Travolta were taking ten years off, Britney was taking ten minutes off.

But yet we keep talking about this comeback! Why?!? There is nothing to come back from! As I said above, her career has spanned all of nine years. From 1999-2003, she was on top of the world with three albums, a high profile relationship with JT, and countless videos and appearances. Even during her darkest days, she was still releasing albums and making videos. "Toxic", "My Prerogative", and "Pieces of Me" were all in heavy rotation on MTV and the airwaves in 2004, 2005, 2007 respectively.

Now granted, she went through some difficult times with the K-Fed years, the Vegas wedding, the head shaving, the custody battles, the lip synching, and the weight gain. But as they say in Hollywood, all publicity is good publicity.

I completely agree with that and so how and when did she ever disappear during these times?!? I mean, her career has spanned nine years! Jason Bateman and John Travolta both fell off the face of the Earth for nine years for crissakes.

I understand we live in a different age where there is complete media saturation and so it is virtually impossible for anyone to disappear, but it can happen. Look at Johnny Depp and Daniel Day-Lewis and Prince. These guys pop up once a year, make a ridiculously awesome movie or record and then sail back into relative obscurity. Britney has never done this and she never will so in no way shape and form can anything related to Britney Spears be called a comeback.

Part of it was that Britney captured lighting in a bottle. There hadn't been a female sensation/icon in years. Madonna held the throne in the 80s and I think that our culture was starving for an iconic woman. During the early to mid nineties, that female superstar was not existent. The two who came closest to holding the mantle of Female Icon were Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson, but neither was OVERLY famous, they didn't cross genres much and both weren't idolized by young women. They were strictly the fascination of men. And so when Britney came along with the absolutely phenomenal pop song that IS "Oops I Did It Again" (don't believe me? Ask Simon Cowell), people were DYING of Female Icon thirst and so they drank up whatever was in front of them. And that person happened to be Britney Spears. It could have been Christina, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, or even Pink, but they all came just a little too late. In the words of my boy Brian, she was the first in, just like iPods were the first in on the digital music scene. Those other girls were all just Zune players and Roxio's trying to break into a market that was monopolized by Britney.

But all of that said, the comeback stuff is just so frustrating, because she isn't coming back. She didn't go anywhere. I'm not sure why all of this bothers me so much (I think it has something to do with the fact that she should absolutely not be a star that people are infatuated with because she is so painfully untalented), but it does. I feel like we have been hearing about a Britney Comeback for five years when in fact, she never had anything to come back from. In reality, I think that everyone just wants another female pop idol and since there isn't one around, everyone wants to hop in Marty McFly's time machine and go back to 1999 when there was a nice, cute yet risque teen queen named Britney Spears fascinating people of all ages.

But as we know, this can't happen so I really, REALLY wish the fascination of Brit would go the same way as the one time fascination of Paul Anka.

Who's that?

Exactly.