Skankoween

We all know that Halloween is the absolute worst holiday. For most of us non-douche bags and non-chuckahs, this is understood. Along with St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve, Halloween has the "Do Not Go Out" sign draped on it for you are bound to be surrounded by tools of all sorts regardless of where you go.

But when did this once glorious children's holiday turn into one giant Foxy Lady, complete with skankolicious costumes?

Believe me, I do not find these costumes the least bit offensive and they often produce some of the best pictures on Barstool's Local Smokeshow of The Day. But I just want to know two things.

1. When and how did the skank halloween costume happen?
2. How is said skank costume not the single greatest topic of conversation between the days of October 15th and November 1st?

Let me explain why I have question number one.

I have a great ability (so says I) of understanding and figuring out the exact tipping point of all things pop culture. While I am not as good as Klosterman at figuring this out, I am better than Simmons. For example...

I understand the big hair trend that I grew up with in B-Town in the 1980s (and, unfortunately for B-Town, the early 1990s). Cable television hadn't exploded, and the internet was only a thing of Al Gore's dreams, so all we really had to influence us was MTV and 80s movies. And EVERY GIRL in an 80s video from Whitesnake, Poison, or Cinderella had big hair (why high school girls thought it was a good idea to follow the lead of faux metal groupies is an entriely separate post). As did the ladies of 80s movies. Jake's girlfriend in 16 Candles and Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club are both in their full Aqua Net glory in each film. So naturally, girls of that time period were going to copy that look.

Then we have the god awful "grunge" look with girls dressed in Doc Martens and flannels (it would figure that I- lover of all things skanky and cheesey- went to college in this era). This can obviously be blamed on Eddie Vedder, Kurt Cobain, and Singles. From there, we moved onto the half shirt, pierced navel, and exposed thong. Certainly a phenomenal era and one that can be directly attributed to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Girls getting tatoos can be blamed on Pamela Anderson (think about this... All those chicks we loved from the 80s and early 90s like Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, and even Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from her Saved By The Bell days were all sans tattoo... Now, there is scarcely a skankolicious hottie alive that DOESN'T have the tattoo. It was Pammy and her tats that blew this thing up and that's a fact). And todays short dresses with high boots (yes, I love this stage) can be blamed on those idiotic chicks from The Hills and it's awful offshoots.

But what caused the skank Halloween costume? I mean, why does it exist? Where was the tipping point? At what point did Skankoween do the opposite of Jump The Shark (By the way? What is the opposite of Jumping The Shark? By definition, it has to be when you realize that something is so totally awesome. For example, when I was watching Seven, I distincly remember the scene where I said, whoa, this movie is incredible. There has to be an antonym for Jumping The Shark. Discuss).

In Amherst in the Fall of 1995, I clearly recall being at a Halloween party and it was skank free. The girls were a baseball player (with a actual uniform instead of mini shorts, high socks, and a cut in half Red Sox shirt), a scarecrow (with a flannel probably left over from her '92 wardrobe) and a farmer. After college, I went to a few Halloween parties and I was even in Salem one year. I saw women as witches, women as Axl and Slash, and women as football players. Still, I saw no skanks. In fact, it was a terrible night to go out because girls would be dressed up in big baggy costumes and god awful make-up and it would really grind my gears because I wanted some skank, goddamit.

But then, one day, out of nowhere came the Skankoween. It was like the emergence of David Ortiz. There was no groundswell for the skank costume. There was no pre-tsunami like warning. There was no pop culture altering episode of Friends or ER where everyone dressed like skanks. It just came to be. And I have no rationale explanation as to where it came from. It wasn't part of the Britney/Christina generation, because girls just dressed liked them on a daily basis. It wasn't a by product of skank fests like The Girls Next Door or The Gauntlet because the Skankoween happened before that.

So really, what spawned this phenomenon? And more importantly, how has it become a completely acceptable part of our culture? Now, because I am a Pam Anderson skank lover, I have no problem with said phenomenon, but where is the outrage? Where are the feminists who stand outside of Hooters protesting the uniform (which actually leaves far more to the imagination than some Skankoween costumes I have experienced)? How can Halloween stores sell costumes that are LITERALLY called Naughty Nurse, Sexy Sailor, and Buxom Bumblebee (okay, I made that one up, but not bad, right?)? How come when you ask a girl what she is going to be for Halloween and she replies, "Britney Spears," you know she is going to come dressed as this Britney Spearsas opposed to this Britney Spears? What do parents of tweens do when they walk together down the aisle at IParty and see these costumes?!? Do they say to their kids, "Listen Ava, you cannot be a Naughty Nurse this year because you are only 14, but in five years, when you are a freshman at Westfield State, you can wear that costume, get really drunk, and post pictures of it on Facebook along with your spring break bikini pics."

I mean, really, where is the outrage? Women I know (even the classy ones... Yes, I know classy women... A few) don't even raise an eyebrow at the "dirty" cop or the french maid. In fact, some women proudly tell you AHEAD of time that they are going to be a Naughty Nurse and we who receive that information don't even do bat an eye. We just take it in and say, "oh, that's cool."

I guess in our age of lethargy, I shouldn't be surprised that no one cares about skankstumes. We all know that dudes are going to say absolutely nothing about this lest we lose a night where we can see girls dressed like strippers without having to go to a strip club, but what about you women. Specifically, you classy ladies out there; what's your excuse?!? Why aren't you angry?!? Do you too secretly WANT to wear these costumes, only your inner Catholic tells you you shouldn't feel this way?!? Or do you just make fun of the girls afterwards?!? Or do you just not care because while Sexy Pussy Cat may look good in her leather pants, you can beat her at Scrabble!? I mean, give me something!

And if you can't find the energy, passion, or interest to get upset about this, could you at least tell me why and how Skankoween became an acceptable part of our culture? Because I do want to know that.

Ultimately, I know I won't be saying anything, but I have a reason for that. If Skankoween keeps up, we'll eventually have costumes where girls just go as "one of the girls from the orgy in Eyes Wide Shut" or "one of the girls from the photos at the end of The Hangover."

And that wouldn't bother me one bit.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It's called a break up because it is broken.

And this relationship is beyond repair.

I tried to make it work, I really did.

But I should have seen the fissures in the relationship two years ago when it really started to go south. But it was hard to do that. because I learned so much from my partner over the years. We spent so much quality time together and my dearly beloved brought me so much happiness and pleasure. For my partner introduced me to new people and I made new friends, some of which I still hold dear. But no matter how hard I tried and how badly I wanted to make it work, it just wasn't ever going to be the same. Really, it's been broken for months now, maybe even a year, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I tried to make it work; God how I tried. I would revisit my partner, hoping to rekindle some of the magic we once had. We would get drunk and hook up again, mostly in the car which is where we first made our relationship official. But no matter how hard I tried, the magic could not be rekindled and then, late this summer, I realized that I couldn't cling to the past and I officially had to move on.

I've been looking for a new partner, but they are not as pretty, nor will they ever give me the joys and memories I once shared with my first love. I need something to make me forget my old flame. Maybe there is a rebound relationship waiting out there for me or maybe I'll find something better, but for the here and now, I'm officially single. But I have to finally say this out loud. I need to realize that I am single and that it is over between me and my former flame. I have to admit that I have been lying to myself for the past two years and that I need to stop longing for the past and admit that what I had is gone and so I will do that now. I will bid my fair maiden goodbye once and for all because I know that it is truly over. So here I go...

WFNX... I am breaking up with you.

Officially.

In some ways, this has been my most challenging break-up. For anyone within seven or eight years of my age of 35, you know WFNX has meant something to us. And so to lose FNX is like losing everything. FNX was around before iTunes, before satellite radio, and before hipster blogs and music sharing services exposed us to new music. It was especially valuable if you were a moody high school kid growing up in Burlington, Massachusetts; because short of the recommendations of the long haired, pierced due at Newbury Comics; we had nothing. MTV played "Ice Ice Baby" and "U Can't Touch This" on a constant loop, hip hop was really starting to take off and hard rock was in the Dark Ages of Slaughter, Tesla, and Firehouse. Save for the release of Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II, the coolest music a 17 year old from an all white suburb could "discover" was a classic rock album by a band that WASN'T their greatest hits or maybe get a recommendation from a friends cool, older brother who was away at college.

And so WFNX was the perfect outlet for the late 80s/early 90s emo kid that I was (what did you call emo kids in that generation? We weren't hippies or skids... I guess we were just nerds who liked whiny music) and what an outlet it was. The station introduced me to everything from the Cure and Radiohead. to The Jesus and Mary Chain and Beck. FNX was also the first to play this song called "Fallin' Down" by a band with a funny name called the Goo Goo Dolls. Now granted, the Goo Goo Dolls are Kiss 108 staples, but back in the day, they were just a alt-rock band from Buffalo. I once saw on Behind The Music that that album sold 2100 copies and for those of you not in the know, that isn't a lot of albums to sell. Well, I had a copy and it was because of WFNX.

It was tough to maintain a relationship with FNX in college as their signal was weak, but we saw each other on summers and vacations. I caught up to Rage Against the Machine and Tool during those breaks. After college, the station remained a bastion of hipness (even though they did go through their dark Limp Bizkit period which is strangely, the same period they are going through now) breaking bands like Fatboy Slim, Blink-182, Coldplay, and The Killers. They are also responsible for some amazing one hit wonders and iPod playlist staples from bands like Lo-Fidelity All Stars, Powderfinger, and Primitive Radio Gods. Granted, these bands never "made it," but all have songs that I love that I would absolutely never have heard without FNX.

More recently, it has been easier to find music because of the internet and chat room word of mouth. And for music poseurs like my brother (he listens to bands that don't even exist yet), FNX became less of a tool that broke new music. But they still played The Killer's "When You Were Young" before you could get it on the web and they played Arcade Fire's "Black Mirror" long before it was available for commercial release. They also had The National, stellastarr*, and TV On The Radio in regular rotation (granted, it was for about two weeks) in recent years. And long before Kings of Leon was OMIGOD KINGS OF LEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, "The Bucket" was an FNX regular.

But those days are long, long gone. Now, "new music" for FNX is Taking Back Sunday, Paramore, and AFI. And sure, they mix it up with old stuff. But it's the same, banal old stuff like Bush, The Beastie Boys, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sublime, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots. Sure, I liked those bands at one time and I even like the new Pearl Jam song, but now?!? In 2009?!? On a station that claims to be "alternative," "independent" and "where new music starts?!?" Please. Save that stuff for WAAF.

I could ramble on about their hoorrific music selection for days or I could toss out the fact that we are also getting Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones on FNX, but more importantly, I just want o know one thing.

What the hell happened?!?

Where did it all go so wrong?!?

I mean, one minute WFNX and I are going out to great dinners, getting drunk all the time, having wild sex five times a night and then the next minute, WFNX is telling me I can't go out with my friends and they are wearing flannel pants and oversized sweatshirts everywhere. Now, if this were a slow build or we starting drifting apart, I'd get it. But it was just two years ago that I saw The National for free because it was a WFNX sponsored show. Now? I get a new song from The Offspring; relevance circa 1994.

I look for the turning point and it seems it happened when The Sandbox arrived. I wanted to like The Sandbox and even did for about twelve days. But I can't blame the dissolution of my relationship with WFNX solely on those three clowns because it goes much deeper than that. The introduction of Loveline at 10:00 was a killer, as was the obvious shift in programming. But, like any real relationship, what may have killed us is the introduction of a third party. or should I say, destruction of a third party. That third party being the end of WBCN.

When BCN ceased to exist, FNX (whose ratings have always been for shit) probably saw an opportunity to gain new listeners. And as pround as my non-conformist behavior as I am, I realize that a company can't be successful catering to the non-conformists. Unless you are Pabst. But FNX is not Pabst and so they saw an opportunity to gain new listeners, particularly among the 24-39 male demographic and so they changed everything around to get those 24-39 year olds. And while my age technically puts me in that demographic, my non-conformist behavior and hatred of Massholes makes me decidedly NOT part of that demographic. So where Stone Temple Pilots is really working for Frank Ford F-150, it is doing nothing for me.

But even more frustrating that not knowing where it all went wrong is the acceptance of blame phase. I want FNX to speak up and say, "You know what Big G, I don't like you anymore and I'm done with you, but yes, I did some things wrong too."

I want Paul Driscoll (he's got to be stewing about this, no?) to address these issues some night. I want the Friday music section of The Globe to do an interview with The Phoenix Media Group where they explain to me what is going on and acknowledge the change. I want someone from that station to stand up and say, "Dammit Big G, I LIKE flannel pants and big ugly sweatshirts and if you liked me too, you would accept me for who I am."

Granted, I won't accept them for who they are, but still I want answers. I NEED answers. I need to know how it went from so good to so bad and I want to know if they are happy with where they are because goddammit WFNX, if you are happy with the place you're in, then that is fine. I'll let you go. I won't like it, but I've fought and fought and fought for you and I can't do it anymore.

So what is a scorned ex-lover to do?!? Well, like I said, I'm officially radio single. I have thought about dating the fake titted, faux tanned, 24 year old blonde that is Satellite Radio. I thought about getting the biggest, most expensive package (pun intended) that XM or Sirius has and just drown myself in a sea of awesomeness. But would that really make me happy? For the time being it might, but I'll still never have that TRUE bond I had with FNX because my and satellite radios whole relationship will be a big fraud and we'll know it.

So for now, I guess I'll settle for the safe, J Crew sweater wearing, 28 year old, elementary school teacher who is a solid six or seven and utilize my iPod playlists for awhile.

But sooner or later, I'm going to go looking for something else; something perfect. I wish that could have been WFNX because they may have been The One, but when it's over... It's over.

Take care WFNX. I wish you nothing but the best. We had a great run and I'll forever be thankful for what you taught me both about myself and the music I adore.

But let me give you one piece of advice: Lose those stupid flannel pants that is your awful music because eventually, Ed Hardy wearing, Massachusetts Meatballs get old. You'll want something else. Something real. Something true.

I Really Wish I Was Fucking Matt Damon

I'm a lot like Peter Gammons. I always have been.

Like Gammons, I have old balls. Like Gammons, I have a face made for writing. Like Gammons, I like to live in the present. And like Gammons, I'm the best at what I do.

Gammons is the guru of baseball writing. And I am the guru of film blogging.

The greatest strength of Gammons has always been his ability to change with the times. Bob Ryan (who I love) is the undisputed God of Basketball writing, but he has never been able to change with the times. With the exception of his calling Paul Pierce the Greatest Offensive Player In Celtic History (blasphemous for every Celtics fan aged 30 or over, but also 100% correct), Bob Ryan has always been stuck in the past. He likes the old offensive games better, the passing, the team play and blah, blah, blah. Gammons on the other hand, has always touted the CURRENT game. To a fault almost. He has stuck by Barry Bonds and defends A-Rod incessantly, but steroids aside (and that's a big thing to put aside), they deserve all of his accolades. Nowadays, he touts the greatness of Albert Pujols (who was the topic of discussion during the best radio bitch slap ever) and the Cy Young candidacy of Zack Greinke. He doesn't say they aren't as good as Stan Musial or Bret Saberhagen, but he instead says they are just plain good. Period. And I love that.

My point? We all get caught in the past and love old stuff to a fault. I've done it with Atari games. I once bought a Playstation video game that had like 100 Atari games on it (I paid twenty dollars for this game... Atari games used to avergae about $30 a game, so if I could go back in time and purchase this game, I would have saved myself $2980) and I played it for about 35 minutes before I realized it sucked. Why did it suck? Because the games were old and shitty and there are way better new and unshitty games that have surpassed those Atari games. Pujols probably IS better than Stan Musial and Zack Greinke probably IS better than Bret Saberhagen, we just refuse to admit it because, well... We like old stuff. Or we're stubborn. Or we're stupid. Or, we're all three.

And so sticking with this theme, do you know what I've realized? Matt Damon is absolutely one of the best actors. And I mean ever.

He is. Argue with me all you want. Tell me I'm on drugs. Go on and on about Nicholson, De Niro, Brando, Pacino, Hoffman, Washington, Day-Lewis (sick!), Hackman, Duvall or any old guy like Gregory Peck or Spencer Tracey and I will STILL argue that Damon is one of the best. He is and that's fact.

I know the arguments. Way fewer awards, not a diverse enough resume, not in enough classics. But whatever. Remember when Pedro said last year that he was officially the greatest pitcher of all time because he dominated in the Steroid Era? I feel like Matt Damon is dominating the Steroid Era of Hollywood (massive personalities, huge budgets for films, amazing film schools, the foreign film factor, media hype, constant accolades for anything seen remotely as new) and so like Pedro, he HAS to be called the greatest. Let's get this one ridiculous argument out of the way now.

1951 is considered one of the greatest film years of all time. In that year, A Streetcar Named Desire, An American In Paris, and The African Queen were all released. They are all on AFI's 100 Best Films list. Brando had his legendary turn as Stanley Kowalski. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You want to know how many movies came out in 1951? Fourteen.

14.

1-4.

Yes, fourteen.

Fourteen films came out THAT ENTIRE YEAR!!! FIVE OF WHICH WERE NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE!!!

That means A Streetcar Named Desire was probably called "One of the most amazing films of the year." So were four other films. Out of the fourteen made.

In fact, the 1951 movie math tells us that 36% of all films that year were one of the most amazing films of the year.

And the role of Stanley Kowalski- played by Marlon Brando- was nominated for an Academy Award as well. This was one of his eight total nominations. And just by showing up to play boozing, raping Stanley, Brando had a 5 in 14 chance of being nominated for an Academy Award. You're a batting champion if you go 5 for 14. So let's say he sleep walks through the role. He's probably STILL going to beat out Michael Rennie (who?), the guy who played the main character in The Day The Earth Stood still because, well, because he played a drunk guy who raped a woman and no one knows who the hell Michael rennie is. But that must have been the exception, right? I think you know where this is going so I'll stop perserverating and just give you these nuggets...

1973 (Or, The Year Al Pacino Got Nominated For One Of His Academy Awards For The Godfather): Number of Films Released: 25. Chances He bags A Nomination. 1 in 5.

1980 (Or, The Year Robert De Niro Got Nominated For One Of His Academy Awards For Raging Bull): Number of Films Released: 133. Chances He Bags A Nomination: 1 in 27.

2009 (Or The Year Matt Damon COULD POTENTIALLY Get Nominated For An Academy Award Based On His Awesomeness In The Informant!- Hey, He Put On Weight Just Like De Niro!): Number Of Films Slated For Release: 1037. Chances He Bags A Nomination: 1 in 1037 (Or, 350 Times Less Likely Of A Chance Than Marlon Brando Had In 1951).

So, can we get rid of that argument?!? Awards are nice, but in this era, who gets an award is much more difficult to decide because there are so many more roles (and the competition for those roles is probably far more fierce because actors now are probably better than they ever were). That is why I have no problem making the Academy Awards Best Picture category being expanded to ten. Really, if we are comparing it to 1973 and want to make it fair, we should expand it the category to have 41 films because that would be the equivalent of five in 1973. So stop your complaining about that too.

But back to Matt Damon. I go by what my eyes tell me as a once cool Patriots coach used to say and my eyes (along with the box office) tell me that Matt Damon is the man.

You've heard my rants before and you know actors can get pigeonholed (gangsters, heroes, cops) and somehow, Damon has managed to NOT get pigeonholed. This is likely due to his superior intelligence and ability to determine what is a good script, but it also has to do with his ACTING.

Matt Damon is probably best known by the average filmgoer as Jason Bourne (to us Boston tool bags and wishy-washy 35 year olds, he'll always be Will Hunting) and people love him for that. But he's also played a gay killer in a Speedo (I didn't see John McClain or James Bond do that), a lawyer, a soldier, a card shark, a conjoined twin, a dirty cop, a grieving father who takes advantage of his childs death (Syriana, probably his single best scene ever is in that), and now a fat guy who thinks he's James Bond. Along the way, he has also shown up in countless cameos (seeing him at the end of Finding Forrester even when I know he is coming is still money), TV shows, and cartoons. He's done voices, written the best screenplay of the past twelve years, created the funniest youtube video ever and then cemented his lore by being absolutely awesome on [SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DVR TELEVISION SHOWS!!!] Entourage this past week (was there anything better then him crying and apologizing?!? Who is this guy?!?).

He's done this all without being a tabloid whore and despite being the best actor in Hollywood, he has also remained shockingly low key and never taken himself seriously. Now, I know this stuff shouldn't matter, but in the Steroid Era of Hollywood, it most certainly does matter. Every week, some new actor is labeled "The Next Big Thing," be it Colin Farrell or Christian Bale. Then, through a combination of overexposure and suckiness, they are no longer the big thing.

And all the while, crawling along under the radar has been Matt Damon. While Bale gets lauded for being "moody" and "intense" and while Day-Lewis is seen as a genuis, Damon just keeps doing his thing. In fact, he's almost TOO consistent. Like a never mentioned superstar baseball player who grinds out 3000 hits (Craig Biggio or Robin Yount), Damon just keeps grinding out hit after hit.

At the same time, he's not just some workmanlike actor (or "that guy" as some of you may call... That Guy.). He KILLS everything he is in. I already discussed Syriana, but can you picture ANYONE OTHER than Matt Damon playing Mike McDermott as he did in Rounders?!? Who else would you have dropped in to play Rusty in the Ocean's movies? Hell, who else WOULD HAVE TAKEN those roles as a backseat to Pitt and Clooney. We all liked SOMEBODY ELSE better in The Departed, but once again, he dominated as a douche.

But really, he is awesome because he just doesn't make clunkers. One might say that All The Pretty Horses was a bomb, but that suffered from being a terribly made movie. He read the script based on a hugely popular book and took it. To this day, he still talks about the fact that it was a bad movie, but if that is his worst? I'll take it no doubt because whomever you offer up to argue against Damon has made worse.

Matt Damon is now a solid 17 years into his career as an actor and we really haven't seen a run like this in a long time and maybe forever. He continues to make tremendous movies, but more importantly, he takes diverse roles and always acts the shit out of him. There are certainly actors who will also be seen as better at their "craft" like Penn, Day-Lewis, and Seymour Hoffman. But those guys are at an unfair advantage because they are automatically viewed as Gods, even if they were to take a role in the remake of Jaws 3 in Super 3-D. You've heard my argument on that so I won't belabor it, but instead, I'll ask you this.

Can you see any of those three beating up a CIA assassin with a magazine?!?

I think I know your answer.

Matt Damon. The best actor going.