You Old Stiffs Are Going Down

The 2008 Olympic Mens Basketball Team beats The Dream Team. Yeah, the 1992 Dream Team.

Without a problem (sorry ladies, you can stop reading now. The gymnastics post is coming tomorrow).

In case you have forgotten, The 1992 Dream Team had this roster:

Gambling Michael Jordan
I Don't Have AIDS Magic
Larry "I Don't Tip" Bird
Gambling Charles Barkley
I Ate John Starks Patrick Ewing
Short Shorts John Stockton
Flat Top Chris Mullin
Mustache Clyde Drexler
Soft David Robinson
I Never Won Anything Karl Malone
I Shouldn't have Been On The Top 50 Greatest Players of All Time Scottie Pippen
Are You Serious Christian Laettner

My Nasty 2008 Roster Consists of:

Which One of You Tools Is Guarding Me LeBron
Best Player On The Planet Kobe
No One On The 1992 Team Can Guard Me D-Wade
I'm The Same Size As Barkley Only I can Shoot Carmelo
Beast Dwight Howard
I'm A More Athletic Big Man Than Robinson Chris Bosh
I Kill Stockton Guarding Me Deron Williams
I Kill Stockton Guarding Me Chris Paul
I Am Chris Mullin Only Better Michael Redd
I'm A Natural Power Forward Carlos Boozer
Lock Down Defender Tayshaun Prince
I'm Not Good, But I'm Still Better Than Laettner Jason Kidd

Now, I understand what The Dream Team did in 1992. Beat everyone by about an average of 40, never used a timeout, had 11 guys score in double figures in a given game (bet you can guess who didn't).

But the world has improved. And while the United States hasn't won a gold in eight years, this is their year. They have a perfectly assembled team. And while we will never see the blowouts we saw in 1992, the U.S. will roll. And they will roll over teams that run out one of the world's best big men (China), one of the world's best all around players (Germany), a team full of NBA starters (Argentina), and a flat out force in Spain. These are not your 1992 Olympics. There is parity all around and the U.S. knows it and they are ready for it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I love USA Basketball (not women's by the way) and this roster is awesome. Something about All Star teams has always made me happy and having an all star team in games that actually count (as opposed to all star games) is exceptionally cool. There are some flaws in the team selection system because, yes, having Duncan, KG, Pierce, Arenas, Iverson, Camby (Go, Go U...), Stoudamire, or some other studs might be nice. But this team is pretty unbelievable. I also only started liking the NBA in about 1992 and that is about the same time everyone starting hating this sport. And while you all have been crapping on the NBA it has (yeah, yeah, you've heard this before) become awesome. Players are phenomenal. LeBron would be a center if it were 1960, everyone can shoot, drive, and make freakishly athletic plays (well, the stars at least. You still do nothing Wally Sczerbiak). So as I've said before, this ain't your grandfathers NBA. And while many of you wish (for what reason, I don't know) it were, it's not. Get over it. Today's NBA players get paid a lot, have tattoos and rock funky hair. And oh yeah, they can play. And just like the players from years ago they "play hard" and they "care." They just make more money than you, drive better cars than you, and are- heaven forbid- black. So for all of those reasons, you think this team is a bunch of selfish jerks who only care about the bling and the Cristal. Well, come August 24th, you'll see that this team is money. And hopefully then you'll shut up. Enough of my NBA public service announcement. Let's get to the match ups...

The two teams were created in a remarkably similar fashion. They are buoyed by their three all around studs, both teams have pure point guards, pure shooters, lock down defenders, rebounding beasts, and cagey veterans. Both teams have their obvious advantages (1992 has a size advantage and three of the greatest players ever, my 2008 team has freakish, unguardable all around athletes who can do more than players in 1992 ever could and a new breed of point guard) and both teams have their weaknesses (you're old 1992, you're young 2008). And with that in mind, let's discuss the match-ups.

There are a couple of different ways to do this as you never know who is going to guard who and which combinations are going to go against which combinations. You could go right up and down the roster and do match-ups, but that's boring. So we'll try to do it a little differently. Here's how a game might shake out...

The Starting Five

Magic, Larry, Michael, Sir Charles and Ewing v. Kobe, Lebron, Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and 'Melo.

Magic presents a matchup problem, but Deron Williams is stronger than you think. Kobe takes Michael, Howard takes Ewing, 'Melo takes Larry (two defensive liabilities), and LeBron takes Sir Charles.

Now, I know what all you old folks longing for the glory days are thinking. What a match up joke, but really, is it? You all think that no one today plays defense, but did Larry play defense? And I think I heard something about Kobe playing D. Howard might be better than Ewing and LeBron- even though you think of him as a SG- would OWN Sir Charles. But let's look at it from the other side...

How are you, 1992 Dream Team, covering Coach K's boys?

My friends love to beg the question, "who cover's McHale?" when we have these generational discussions. But I ask you. Who covers LeBron? Is Charles playing this guy on the perimeter? You putting super athlete Larry (1992 Larry by the way) on him? Sure, put Michael on him. But then, who's covering Kobe?

As we know, you can't run your old 1992 team out there all game or they will die, so to the bench we will have to go and let's do just that...

My first guy off is D-Wade. Who covers him? He's virtually uncoverable now, playing against young studs. I'll put him against Drexler and they both will wind up having comparable careers. Further, while Drexler looked good 16 years ago, there are 25 (from Pierce, to Ray Ray, to Joe Johnson, to Shawn Marion, to Vince Carter, to Richard Jefferson) players like him in the NBA. His skills are no longer amazing. So I'll take unguardable D-Wade any day...

The two point guards off the bench are Stockton and CP3. Sure, Stockton is the assist king, but the position has changed and CP3 IS the future of that position. He eats Stockton alive and runs him off the court. Don't believe me? Look at their two best years to the right...

Power forwards off the bench are Carlos Boozer and Karl Malone. Anyone ever seen them in the room at the same time? They are the same guy. You remember and love Karl Malone because he was... ON THE 1992 DREAM TEAM!!! But really, he was a boring player who did two things well, but so does Boozer. Match up their best seasons. Boozer is Malone, only without the catchy nickname...

Chris Bosh and David Robinson bounce off the bench as the backup centers and while this looks like a run away victory for The Dream Team, remember all the knocks on The Admiral... He was soft, he was soft, and he was soft... And who better to put on a soft guy than a soft guy? Only a soft guy who is faster and younger. I always loved The Admiral and he obviously has the resume, but Chris Bosh ain't so bad...

The shooters are Michael Redd and Chris Mullin. Mullin could rain with the best of them. But guess what? So can Redd. In fact, these two guys might be the same dude. But because Mullin played in an era when everyone liked basketball and none of you would know who Michael Redd is, Mullin is considered better. Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story...

The lock down defenders are Pippen and Prince. Here, the Dream Team probably has me because Pippen could do more than Prince. But remember that Pippen did absolutely nothing (and I mean NOTHING) when he left Michael. And Prince is considered a pain in the ass as a defender. And further, he loves it...

The skank is rounded out by Laettner and Kidd and guess what? My skank KILLS your skank...

Again, you can't match it up correctly. You could match up lifetime scoring averages and the 1992 team would kill me, but scoring is down now and that's because teams are better. But here are some of the highlights of the game, as I see it...

Team 2008 shockingly wins the tap as Howard jumps out of the gym and directs the ball to a streaking LeBron- perfectly reading the tap- who leaves a stunned Barkley in the dust and windmill slams home two. This sets the tone for the first half, a half dominated by Team 2008...

The rest of the game? Coming tomorrow...