Ladies Who Rock, Dance Beats, French Guys, And One Incredible Married Couple

It's an annual rite of winter: The Big G Song Post.

I'll anger Brennan, steal from my bro, help Matt buy stocking stuffers, confuse people who listen to Kiss 108, talk about The National, forget stuff, get frustrated that I can't link the video, and as I creep towards 36, get to act the hipster, doofus, music, poseur that I so desperately want to be.

Before we get to the list, let me just say what a down year it was for music (you can say differently Brennan and I had listened to/since listened to many of the bands you listed in your comment. And while many of the bands you discussed show up here, others are just god awful. The Avett Brothers? I didn't like them when they were the Travelling Wilbury's. The Decemberists and Built To Spill?!? What are you, a 20 year old sophomore girl at Mt. Holyoke?). There were no releases from some of my staple favorites like Cold War Kids, Bloc Party, TV On The Radio, Coldplay, Arcade Fire, and those guys from New York with that song about some guy named Mr. November. And the releases from people I really like in Jay Z, The Heartless Bastards, Weezer, Massive Attack, were weak. Jack White and Dave Grohl's super groups were lame and the much anticipated Muse album was horrendous. Even my boys Death Cab- who didn't release an album- got into the poop party with an absolutely terrible single of of the New Moon Soundtrack. And every year, I have some Top Forty hits on my list and even in THAT world of Kelly Clarkson, T.I., and JT, there was nothing doing.

But, despite all that, I found a few good ones and maybe they will find their way onto your new iPod or New Year's Resolution Run List. In the words of Tone Loc, let's do it.

52. "Actor Out Of Work," St. Vincent: With women dominating my list, we may as well start it off with this catchy little diddy. Would have been higher on the list had her concert full of indie, hipster, fans who take themselves far too seriously hadn't ruined her performance.

51. "Song Away," Hockey: Don't ever look at a picture if these guys, because they look like a slightly cooler version of Good Charlotte, thus making you want to beat them up and ignore their music. But then you hear their hook filled music and can't resist. Plus, they sound like a slightly girlier version of The Walkmen and that's certainly no bad thing.

50. "(If You're Wondering If I want You To) I Want You To," Weezer: I'm so upset Klosterman beat me to the perfect line to describe Weezer (a band now known for disappointing their fans), but as much as they frustrate me, they still manage to fire out songs like this, keeping you just interested enough to hold out hope. But at this point, it's like the end of a relationship you know is doomed to fail and you are only holding on because you haven't found anything to replace him/her yet.

49. "Feeling The Pull," Swell Season: Not as good as the stuff on the Once soundtrack, but now that Elliot Smith has left us, this pair might be our best alternative for painful love songs.

48. "Over It," Dinosaur Jr.: Like every other band that I love who released an album this year, this wasn't their best effort, but if you want to hear Dino Jr. be Dino Jr., then grab this single or at least check it out on Comcast because the video is pretty cool too.

47. "Just Say Yes," Snow Patrol: Re-read the above and just insert Snow Patrol for Dinosaur Jr.

46. "Her Diamonds," Rob Thomas: Shut up. I still have credibility. I do. For real.

45. "Dominos," The Big Pink: Two things about this song. 1) Record companies and music marketing departments and program directors at radio stations amaze me because I have absolutely no idea how they retain their jobs. We are in the worst job market since wind up cars ruled the roads and somehow, these people have jobs. How they do when they CONTINUE to ignore songs like this absolutely fascinates me. This song would be a mega crossover hit. It would start on alt rock stations and then eventually end up on Top 40 stations before it was remixed and ended up on a hip hop station. So inother words: Dowload this. Please 2) With a chorus that goes: "These girls fall like dominos, dominos," how has this not been used in a Tiger remix with all his hos? People befuddle me.

44. "Kings and Queens," 30 Seconds To Mars: I cannot believe I like this song. Guess it brings me back to my emo high school days when I was emo before emo even existed. Hey Molly... there's something I discovered first... emo music! I probably shouldn't be proud of this...



43. "Intro," xx: Absolutely one of my favorite albums of the year (and they're 20.... Pricks) starts of with this awesome little instrumental. Like Coldplay did with "Life In Technicolor," let's hope xx someday set this one to lyrics.

42. "Bonfire," Third Eye Blind: When I want to be tarnsported back to my post college early 20s and the Goo Goo Dolls are unavailable, TEB is always an acceptable substitute.

41. "The Fear," Lily Allen: I really, really love the poor woman's Feist that Lily Allen is. And she just continues to craft great singles.

40. "Relator," Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson: While I love Pete Yorn and his power ballads, I must say that Scar Jo, while always looking ridiculously hot, can't act for shit. But who knew she could sing? And guys, watch the video. Nice upgrade over gross, old Alanis, Ryan...



39. "California On My Mind," Wild Light: Yes, I know they are from New Hampshire. But I liked that girl who won Survivor and she's from Arkansas, so I can probably like one thing from New Hampshire as well. And it's not Loudon or white trash, so it may as well be Wild Light.

38. "The Blue Print," Dear Leader: Like Snow Patrol, Dear Leader sounds like Dear leader and like the rest of the bands releasing albums in 2009, it wasn't their best, but this is most definitely worth your time. Plus, they are opening up for Cheap Trick in January, so that must make them kind of cool, no? What do you think the crowd looks like at that place?

37. "Girls," Dirty Projectors: One of the better releases of the year, but still not up to the hype. I WANT Dirty Projectors to happen and they are close, but they aren't there yet. Except for this song. In the words of Guy Fieri, on point.

36. "Soft Shock," Yeah Yeah Yeahs: A great album from the band who brought us the best video of the aughts (not really sure why, I just love it). Definitely worth a purchase and this song should have been a far bigger hit than it was. Actually, let's relive that Best Video Of The Aughts...



35. "Up To Our Nex," Robyn Hitchcock: You know my measurement of a the loving of a song is when you hear it and say, "what is this?" Well, this happened with this great piece of Brit Pop during Rachel Getting Married (Tunde should have been in it far more). It's an immediate download and absolutely worth you $.99.

34. "The Walls Are Coming Down," Fanfarlo: A band compared to Arcade Fire hailing from Europe and produced by the same guy who produces albums by The National? Sure, I'm not going to like THIS. The album as a whole gets a bit folky at times, but one listen to this song and you're hooked.

GREAT BIG FAT CHEAT ALERT!!!

33. "Wake Up," Arcade Fire: Yes, it's from 2004's The Funeral, but it was re-recorded for the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack and hearing it on the trailers made me really miss Arcade Fire (who hasn't released an album in nearly three years), so I put it on the list because it WAS released this year. And it's my list and all.

32. "Daniel," Bat For Lashes: The phenomenal run of indie rock women continues. This album could very well have been released by Tori Amos (that wouldn't make EVERYONE happy, I know) and no one would have known the difference, only in a lot of ways it is BETTER than Tori Amos. Call it Tori Amos without those weird, annoying songs that had too much banging on instruments. A far more melodic and tight album with "Daniel" being one of the stars.

31. "Eet," Regina Spektor: Speaking of women in indie rock...

30. "Simple As...," Kid Cudi: What I am dying for all hip hop to be. Smart, catchy beat, and goddammit ORIGINAL. MTV and 94.5 can sttick with pumping out and hyping tired releases from Eminem (seriously, he released an album this year) and lame singles "featuring" T.I. and Lil' Wayne. I'll stick with this. If only high school boys would follow suit.



29. "Too Fake," Hockey: Again, don't look at them. Just listen. And try not to dance a little.

28. "The Fixer," Pearl Jam: Yes, I'm saying Pearl Jam released a good song (maybe even two) this year. Don't fall off of your chair. In fact, they released a good album. While I often get frustrated with fans of Pearl Jam who think that Pearl Jam is the only band, I must give them credit for releasing this really tight 40 minute album. They got back to the basics and this song in particular actually seemed... Happy. I hope Eddie isn't getting to soft on us, but if this is the result, soften up baby.

27. "Paris," Friendly Fires: Next to hearing a song for the first time and getting dominated by it, there is nothing better than going to see the opening band and witnessing a great headliner. This was the case with The Friendly Fires and while there are many great tracks on the album, this is the best.

26. "Islands," xx: More greatness from these young punks.

25. "Sweet Disposition," The Temper Trap: So, I'm riding in my car and switch to WFNX and on comes this little diddy and I figure it must be some Leftover Lunch song or something because I have never heard it. And I actually LIKE it. No wait, I LOVE it, but there is absolutely no way that FNX broke a song is there?!? They are too busy playing Sublime, The Beastie Boys, and trying to make the new Muse happen, so this CANNOT be new stuff can it?!? But wait... IT IS!!! Forget Tiger Woods; the most shocking story of 2009 is that WFNX actually introduced a new song to me. Simply unbelievable.

24. "Graffiti Eyes," stellastarr*: So my second favorite band releases a new album and the best they can do is number 25 on my list? Yup. I told you 2009 was disappointing. The lead singer was apparently too busy writing a screenplay that was purchased for $1,500,000 by Warner Brothers and is currently in development (true story). This guys side gig is writing one of the three best songs EVER in "My Coco" and my side gig is writing a blog that four people read. Life isn't fair.

23. "I Feel Better," Frightened Rabbit: More great Brit Pop, only with a slightly harder edge. As rocking as a song as you will find on the list and exactly the evidence you can give to those who see that music in this era is terrible.

22. "Sugarfoot," Black Joe Lewis: James Brown reincarnated as an indie rock band. Black Joe Lewis sort of restores your faith in music and when you hear, there is almost no way you cannot like it. I wish more radio stations would play stuff like this because there IS innovation out there that isn't weird. Black Joe Lewis shows us that good old American rock and roll is alive. You just have to look beyond Top 40 stations to find it.



21. "Little Secrets," Passion Pit: THE band of the moment right now delivers with their debut full length (they have an unbelievable EP as well). For those of you who love MGMT- and there are a TON of you who do- Passion Pit is 2009's MGMT, only MORE dancy if you can believe that. My boy McLough says they are too happy, but happy dance beats are right up my alley.

20. "You've Got The Love," Florence And The Machine: One of the two best albums of the year closes with this gem. There are a fleet of good songs on this and they run the full range of styles and sounds. This one has a distinct Moby feel and if you are looking for a gift for someone, impress them with your refined musical pallette and pick this disc up.

19. "I'm Confused," Handsome Furs: The other best album of the year. You'll see the Handsome Furs and Florence and The Machine paired together often over these last twenty songs. This song gets bonus points for the best video of the year. You'll see why.



18. "Lisztomania," Phoenix: Who knew the French could rock? Check out their version of this on SNL and try NOT being a fan.

17. "Siren Song," Bat For Lashes: This HAS to show up on some cheesey MTV show soon. Or at the very least, it will be in a fan video of Twilight clips or something. Has hit written all over it.

16. "Bulletproof," La Roux: The next in line of the awesome dance beats released this year. Could actually be higher, but I've only spent a couple weeks with it, so I didn't want to overreact. That said, you'll be singing, "Bulleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetproof!" all month.



15. "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked," Ida Maria: I often hate stop songs like this that become popular solely because of their sex related lyrics ("I Touch Myself" and "Laid" are two great examples), but try NOT singing along to this song. And a sweet little guitar hook to boot.



14. "With A Girl Like You," Dave Sitek: The only white guy in TV On The Radio contributed a song for the Dark Was The Night two disc compilation and it is unbelievable. So good in fact, that I thought it had to be a cover. Well, it's not. Check out those horns. And that guitar. I'm begging you.

13. "Last Dance," Raveonettes: Who knew the ultimate indie hipster band could write a song that would be a mega hit if it were to be on KISS 108 tomorrow?!? This is absolute proof that great music is not dead, but people are just looking in the wrong place. Also, maybe the best lyrics of the year.



12. "Zero," Yeah Yeah Yeahs: As many of you know, a key measurement of the greatness of a song is what I feel or how I react the first time I heard it. That opening keyboard and slow build made me sit in my freezing cold car until the end.

11. "VCR,"- xx: Yup, these young'uns again. Absolutely the best song on the album. And who knew that a duet NOT featuring Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton could be good?



10. "Funny The Way It Is," Dave Matthews Band: yes, I'm rapidly approaching my 36th year on Earth and yes, I have a Dave Matthews song cracking my top ten for the year. I don't hink I've ever gone back and forth with an artist more than I do with Dave Matthews. I know, I go back and forth with nearly EVERYTHING, but I usually just go back and then STAY forth, not go back again and then forth again... And then back and forth again (is this even making any sense?) like I do with Dave Matthews. He was awesome when I was in college. He suffered my backlash during my angry twenties. Then he released an awesome solo album. Then I saw him suck live when he jammed too much. Then he bounced back with a good show. Then his songs starting showing up in cheesey rom-com movie trailers. Then he played Fenway. Then he released too many live albums and was weird in interviews. Then he was awesome in concert (or maybe I was really drunk in the waiter service luxury box). Then he was weird in movies. And finally he released "Funny The Way It Is," which has the years best chorus. Try not being happy when that chorus kicks in. So I think- after almost 36 years of wisdom- I am at peace with Dave and who and what he is: He's a pretty damn good artist that has annoyed me over the years- largely because of his white Polo hat wearing fan base- and he will eventually be recognized as being far more influential than we currently realize he is. There. Dave Dissertation Done.

9. "Dog Days Are Over," Florence And The Machine: I just cannot say enough about this album and what a massive hit it could potentially be. I'm talking Jagged Little Pill massive. that's really how good it is and that is not a Big G exaggeration. You'll love the stop and restart in this one too.

8. "All We Want Is Everything," Handsome Furs: Noticing a pattern here? FATM and Handsome Furs are linked because I just cannot decide who released the better album this year. Another phenomeanl song for the best husband and wife team in music.

7. "Sleepyhead," Passion Pit: Put this on in your car as you are driving home from work on a Friday. Now try NOT singing along and doing a your car seated dance as these beats come pouring out of your speakers. By far the most fun CD of the year. And the most surprising too.



6. "Oh! Forever," BrakesBrakesBrakes: Okay, so you know my "what the hell is this song rule?" Well, one night I decide to watch Gossip Girl (not "s" Molly, just like you told me). I'm still unsure why I chose to do this. I think I wanted to see where these now rapidly ascending actors (Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford) got their start. Plus I like to be down with the pop culture. But enough excuses. I'm watching the show and on comes this catchy little tune (my sister would later tell me that Gossip Girl always has awesome music. How irrelevant is MTV again?). It sounds good at first and for whatever reason, the show keeps playing the song. I say to myself, "wow, this song is good... Wow this song is really good... Wow, this song is REALLY, REALLY good... Wow, this song is I'm downloading this and putting it atop my current run playlist right now good!!! So thanks Gossip Girl. But more importantly, thanks BrakesBrakesBrakes for writing the best mini-jam of the year. I wish I could rock out to this last 90 seconds of this song on Rock Band every night. I'll even give you the Gossip Girl clip, just so you can enjoy Blake Lively's tour de force performance just as I did.



5. "Daylight," Matt and Kim: I liked it before the Bacardi commercial I swear. Not LONG before, but before. True story.

4. "1901," Phoenix: I feel generic and boring putting this song in my top five as it is in everyone's top five, but how good is that little guitar riff that they keep repeating over and over?!? Good job Frenchies!!!

3. "Kiss With A Fist," Florence And The Machine: If I played this song for you right now you would think it is A) A lost Janis Joplin track, B) A White Stripes tune with a guest singer, or C) the single best rock song you've heard all year. And how is that a bad combination? And it's two minutes long, so it thunders so hard, yet leaves you wanting more. It has unbelievable lyrics, which I still can't decide if they are the angriest word I have ever heard or the most passionate (or maybe both?). And it makes you want to jump around and do the Bon Jovi fist pump, which, while a God-awful action to actually think of yourself doing, is wildly enjoyable when listening to a song like "Kiss With A Fist." For you casual music listeners, this is your absolute must download of the year. I will give you back your 99 cents if you don't like it. Honestly. Bill me.



2. "Radio Kaliningrad," Handsome Furs: All I have to say is that on occassion, I will just be walking down the street and think of the "WOO!" that is dropped midway through this song. I often hope that I don't say that "WOO!" out loud, else people think I am either on the spectrum or have tourettes. But ANY song that makes you want to randomly do that has to be an incredible song, no? And then on top of that, it's one of the best live songs you've ever heard. there are too many versions of it to find the perfect one, so go youtube it yourself and enjoy.

1. "Blood Buzz," The National: El Presidente is going to write about how awesome he is. Shaughnessey is going to rip Schilling. Klosterman is going to write about Guns N' Roses. And Simmons is going to mention The Shawshank Redemption. I'm going to put a song by The National as my number one, even when they haven't released an album in two and a half years. Deal with it. That said... Listen to that mini jam at the end... Between Clooney winning an Oscar and The National releasing new music, maybe 36 won't be so bad.

Sorting Out Tiger, Part II

Well, now I've officially got it off my chest. After this, it's on to better things. Enjoy France Tiger. See you at Augusta...

4. THE OUTRAGED FANS (AND THE ONE MOST LIKELY TO OFFEND YOU)

Tiger cheated on his wife. Get over it.

I think 75% of the people outraged are outraged simply because they got duped. Nearly everyone thought Tiger was the classiest celebrity going. If Paris Hilton or John Mayer was caught cheating with umpteen different skanks, no one would care because no one would be surprised. With Tiger, people are pissed because he bilked them. He presented an image of a classy, family guy who won every big match, said all the right things, and was involved in zero scandals.

But guess what? He's not like that because NO ONE IS. And that's what I wish The Outraged Fan would understand.

NO ONE is perfect and free of immoral behavior and so we can't judge others for what we deem to be "immoral acts." What one person sees as wholly immoral, another might see as a completely acceptable social more. That is why the people I get along with best and the people who are my closest and dearest friends are those that do not judge. They know that absolutely every person who has walked this Earth is immoral or, at the very least, has participated in a socially unacceptable act.

Before I go on my maniacal tirade, allow me to say that there are all levels of immorality and I understand that. That's why we have things called laws. It is immoral to murder, steal, bilk people out of money, assault people, vandalize property, and abuse children. People who would say these actions are moral are either not sane or were once part of The Mongolian Empire. Or maybe they were priests. Whatever the case, we know these things are immoral. That said, I still think it is largely laws that deter us from doing some of these things (if I could get away with, I would absolutely steal a new surround sound system from Best Buy) are laws. But that's another post for another time.

Today, the most immoral person on Earth appears to be Tiger Woods. He is a scumbag. he is a cheater. He is a liar. He is a hypocrite for saying he wants to deal with this privately, yet has made a billion dollars off of being a public figure. He probably could have handled the whole thing differently and next December 15, no one will care about this and we will have moved on (want proof of that? Kobe Bryant has the best selling athletic jersey in the world).

But right now, my anger towards the outraged fan climbing onto their horse with really long legs is driving me insane. Like I have said before about Tom Brady, I think a lot of people WANTED this to happen to Tiger. I think a lot of people dislike him for shallow reasons (his ethnicity being a huge one. Sorry, but I believe that regardless of the fact that you think it is a bomb toss) and this finally lets them have a chance to unleash their vitriol on him because he is an immoral scumbag. But I find all of this funny. And I found it funny because everyone is an immoral scumbag.

I say this not because I am a shady person or a guy (imagine if all guys wrote a tell all book about all the guys they know?!? The world would die out because women would kill every man alive for their scumbaggery and thus, would have no one to help them repopulate the world) or a scumbag myself. I may be all of those things to you, but one thing that I know I am is immoral. And you want to know how I know everyone else is immoral too? Because the other 5,999,999,999 homo sapiens walking this Earth are humans and all humans are immoral.

When was the last time you did drugs? But you just smoked pot right? You didn't do heroin because heroin is for scumbags.

When was the last time you hopped in a car after having a few too many to drink? But it was fine because you only lived a mile away, right?

When was the last time you kept the incorrect (in your favor) change you were given from the Starbucks barista? But that was fine because it was their fault and stealing from Starbucks is like stealing from the man anyways, right?

Did you cheat on a vocab test in high school? Drink before you were 21? Write a friends paper? Steal stuff from a party because it was bad (wait, I'm the only person who did that?!?)? Have you ever lied about your charitable donations on your taxes? Have you gotten free beers at Fenway because you know the beer guys? Have you visited a porn sight recently? How about a strip club? Were you secretly happy when you went to your ten year reunion and saw that the hottest girl in the class was now a fat whale? How many of you married folk chatted with that guy/girl at the bar a little longer than you should have? How many of you jerked off in your roommates shampoo bottle because you hated them (10 Hitching Post guys: That's not my story, I swear)? Who was speeding home from work today? Who has scammed someone on Ebay? Who has scalped tickets? How many of you are blogging while you should be working?

I presume that you see my point, and I also know what you are going to say. "But Big G, you are being ridiculous. There are different LEVELS of immorailty and you can't compare speeding to cheating on your wife."

And you're right. But only partially. There are different levels of immorality, but who decides what is a 10 on the immorality scale and what is a 1? Is it you Newt Gingrich? You Felger and Massaroti? Is it Bill Clinton or The Reverend Al Sharpton? Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity or Keith Olberman? Is it Joel Osteen or Dr. Phil? Maybe it's Oprah.

Well today, The Outraged Fan (along with The Morality Police) have decided that cheating is the worst of all moral offenses and because of that Tiger Woods, you are in big, BIG trouble.

But really, why is cheating any more immoral than drug use? Or recreational drinking? Or gambling? Again, I know what you'll say. Well others get hurt when people cheat. And others don't get hurt when you use drugs or gamble? Those things don't tear familes apart?

Cheating on one's spouse is bad and I'm not trying to be some contrarian who is okaying it. But I'm not some Outraged Fan who is mad I got bilked by Tiger either. He's a famous person. He cheated. You know how we are not surprised when ANYONE who played basbeall between 1995 and the present tests positive for PEDs? Well, I'm not surprised when any famous person cheats. I won't even be shocked if everyones favorite, Matt Damon, cheats.

5. THE WIFE WILL STAY

You know what? Nevermind. This is a whole separate post and it will be the one I write when I am diagnosed with a rare form of the swine flu where I only have three days to live. Because if I were to rant about this right now and write what I really think, females will officially stop talking to me. Just know this: She will not leave him, even though she should and I actually think it would be better for everyone if she did. But she won't. Remember that thing I said about being single and what society says? Try being a single MOM and see what society says.

6. THE FALLOUT

Here's where Tiger really messed this up. Simmons wrote an awesome piece (which encouraged me to run mine... If he can wait three weeks, so can I!) where he discussed all of this and wrote a hilarious line about Tiger being the World's Worst Adulterer (which he clearly is... No Ho Phone?!? Leaving a voicemail with his name on it?!? That's what you pay handlers for Tiger!!! I one time read that Dennis Rodman had a person in his entourage who made all of his phone calls to his hos and a person whose sole responsibility it was to make sure that- regardless of where Rodman was- there was alcohol around. He had a separate guy. For each of those jobs. One called hos. The other made sure there was a constant flow of martinis on hand. Did they put that on their resume?)

But really, where does Tiger go from here? I think he HAS to take time away from golf and when the thought of that first crossed my mind, I was shocked. I mean, imagine it. The greatest athlete of our generation has to quit the sport in which he will shatter every record because he had to bang cocktal waitresses. Unbelievable.

But then I thought of John Travolta...

And Mickey Rourke...

And Andy Pettitte...

And Bill Buckner...

And even Ben Affleck...

And it's been said everywhere from blogs to Sports Illustrated pieces to The New York Times, but it is true.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

And it helps that Tiger plays golf, where the galleries can't heckle him. He has a TON of fans (it will also help that this legion of middle aged men who watch golf will be secretly rooting for Tiger harder because he defiled hot twentysomething skanks and those same middle aged men want to do that too) as evidenced by the fact that ratings QUADRUPLE when Tiger plays as opposed to when he does not. The PGA will defend him because as John Daly said, golf needs him. Then, as Simmons said, his comeback will be massive and I mean BEYOND MASSIVE. If he plays at The Masters in April, who will NOT watch that?!? Even non-golf fans will watch just to see what MIGHT happen. It will be reality television only without the edits, scripts, and Ryan Seacrest. It will be so awesome and it could literally be THE SPORTING EVENT of the past, what fifteen years?!? Is there anything you'd be more interested in seeing?!?

Tiger will face some wrath, but each day that passes is one more day that people talk less and less about Tiger and pretty soon, his story will be forgotten, like David Letterman's has been.

And then his assault on golf will begin anew because, honestly, I think he needed this. He is like the early millenium Patriots or an angrier Michael Jordan. He THRIVES on people doubting him and I think he will thrive even more on the prospect of people HATING him. He will LOVE that people want him to lose and he will love toying with his golfing competition because he will LOVE the fact that they hate him, yet can't beat him.

I'm wrong about many things, but know this. Tiger Woods will dominate golf more than he ever has in the coming years.

He was dominating his profession living thirteen differet lives, so imagine what he will do focused on just one life?

As the blog says... Money.

Sorting Out Tiger, Part I

Okay, it's been a month.

But it should have only been two weeks.

Then Tiger hit.

And even though the Tiger News is almost as old as The Y2K Scare, I've got a few things to say. And it's taken me three weeks to sort this out because there are just so many layers to the story. And so here are my wide ranging and often rambling thoughts- broken down into six neat categories, three today, three tomorrow- on what is definitely The Situation (as opposed to that guys abs on Jersey Shore...)

1. THE APPEARANCE OF THE MORALITY POLICE

My favorite group of people are made an appearance during this scandal: The Morality Police.

The Morality Police are my favorites because they like to climb on their high horses and then decide what is morally acceptable and what is heinous, damning to hell immorality.

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with a bunch of 21 year old cocktail waitress, some girls made famous by 9/11 deaths, and some porn stars.

And while this has been as fun as hell to watch from the sidelines, I have been shocked by my inability to get fired up about this topic and I have finally realized why.

Because who fucking cares.

Why do I not fucking care? Well, mostly because these types of transgressions do not effect the greater world what so ever. Sure, his kids will be fucked up and his wife must be learning how to die nooses, but truthfully, what Tiger did didn't hurt anyone. He's not Bernie Madoff or O.J. Simpson and although I have heard the comparisons to Kobe Bryant, he certainly isn't him because for those of you counting at home; alleged ass rape is slightly different than cheating, no matter how despicable you think cheating is.

While you can give me the role model crap and he's liar and blah blah blah, I say bollocks. Not a single person on Earth is going to cheat because of Tiger and and the whole celebrity role model thing is completely overhyped in American society. While certain fashion styles and hair dos are taken from celebrities, no one actually really tries to ACT like a celebrity. When Madonna started randomly speaking with a British accent, people didn't start doing that. When Ice-T said to kill cops, no one did that. And I don't think there was a wave of anal sodomy in the wake of the Kobe Bryant scandal. So I firmly believe that there will not be a wave of cheating because Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. There will be cheating because there has always been and will always be cheating. Which leads me to my next point.

2. WHY DID TIGER CHEAT?

I've heard this question a great many times over the past couple of weeks. People have been asking how he could do that when he has such a beautiful wife and a perfect life and why would he risk wrecking his image and is he a sex addict and blah blah blah. I have heard many of these questions from the painfully naive women who have been calling sports talk radio. More on this later.

Ultimately, we really have no idea why Tiger cheated. Maybe he had a sexless, boring marriage. Maybe his wife didn't give him blowjobs anymore. Maybe she wore a sweatsuit to bed and their marriage was like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Maybe she only liked it missionary and he got bored. Maybe Tiger is a sex addict like Wade Boggs. Maybe Tiger is just a cheating douche who thought he could get away with it. Maybe he's a narcissist who cares only about himself (an athlete who's a narcissist? Really? I've never heard of an athlete who is a narcissist.). But as you can guess, I have an idea as to why he cheated.

Tiger cheated because he is a golf geek who got married way too early in his life and like most teen and twenty something males, he had no idea how painfully easy it would be to get women once he figured the whole thing out. Let me explain.

Tiger was (is?) a full on geek. He played golf all his life, he dresses like a tool (even Tommy ripped him), he plays golf, he went to Stanford, he plays golf, he is awkward in press conferences, he plays golf, and he is about as charismatic and cool as Rain Man. And he plays golf.

As it turns out, he plays golf really well and as it also turns out, when you play golf really well, you can make a ton of money. It also turns out that Tiger's ethnicity in a virtually all white sport coupled with his dominance makes him a pretty damn marketable guy. To say he never expected this is an understatement. Where does the cheating fit in to this? Hold on a sec.

So, geeky Tiger- who likely never talked to a girl between the ages of birth and twenty- suddenly starts to become a celebrity. And what does celebrity brings with it? Chicks!!!

However, in the early part of the millenium, as Tiger begins his reign as the best golfer ever, he is still a geek. Or at least he perceives himself as a geek. And as I most assuredly can tell you, geeks can't talk to girls. But, Tiger does have a penis and even though he plays golf and is a geek, his penis still likes vaginas. So....

He meets a really, REALLY hot girl named Elin. This girl is way beyond his hotness and she would NEVER have talked to him in high school, nor would she have even dared looked at him at Stanford where all the hotties were banging football players, basketball players, or as fall back, future geniuses. But now Tiger is kind of famous and he has some money and he notices this here Elin girl with her ten foot legs and white blonde hair and says, "wow, I like her. And, given my expanding wallet and growing fame, I might actually have a chance with her. But just to be safe, I better have my golfer friend set me up with her because she is his nanny."

So, still geeky Tiger gets his pal Jesper to set him up with Elin and he wows her enough with his dorky smile and pleated pants and she ends up sleeping with him. Tiger, not understanding how this smoking hot girl would actually sleep with him (because he still thinks he is a geek), decides to see her again and AGAIN she sleeps with him. They do this again and again until Tiger decides to marry her. He thinks this is a pretty good idea because as he likely knows, no hot 21 year old waitresses or hot 34 year old cougar hostesses even know who a golfer is (something tells me that Rocco Mediate and Corey Pavin aren't showing up in US Weekly too often). So Tiger is psyched because Elin is the absolute best he can get given his celebrity. It's sort of like McSteamy marrying Noxema girl. They are a perfect match because they are both W List celebrities who KNOW they can't upgrade to Miranda Kerr or Johnny Depp, so they take what they can get. And this is how Tiger felt.

But something happened.

Tiger became the most popular and recognizable current athlete (and quite possibly, the most popular and recognizable athlete EVER) and he also became a billionaire. These are things that Michael Jordan, Muhammed Ali, and Barry Bonds never did.

But Tiger did.

And all of this celebrity came as a shock to him and even more shocking was that porn stars and cocktail waitresses were launching now their labias at him.

Him.

Tiger.

The Geek Golfer from Stanford.

And so Tiger tried cheating once and liked it because no girl ever gave him this attention before. Not only did he like it, but he also got away with it. Until Thanksgiving. You know the rest.

Again, I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying how it all went down. Which brings us to the next question.

3. WHY DID TIGER EVEN GET MARRIED?

This is my favorite.

"Well, if he wanted to just bang girls, he should never have gotten married. He should have acted like Jeter and Clooney and Leo and no one would have cared."

This is so wrong people and why?

Because Tiger plays golf.

Now granted, Tiger Woods is absolutely an A List celebrity but he probably never THOUGHT he was an A List celebrity. He plays a game full of middle aged men, all of whom are married with families (quick, name a golfer you saw on TMZ before Tiger Woods three weeks ago... Waiting... Waiting...) that meet them on Sunday with kisses and hugs at the 18th hole.

So Tiger, wanting desperately to be like his peers who he probably realized were disliking him with an increasing regularity, got married because he thought that was the GOLF thing to do. Golf isn't exactly a profession whose members are hanging at the Viper Lounge and doing bumbs off of chicks titties with Colin Farrell, Robert Downey Jr., and Mickey Rourke. Hell, they don't even hang out with Screech and Brian Scalabrine. They travel around in RVs and wear pleated pants and awful sweaters even though they know they are going to be on TV all weekend. These guys ARE NOT COOL.

And Tiger knew that, so he got married. Like everybody else does. Because in case you haven't noticed, EVERYONE gets married. People get married for a variety of different reasons, but one reason they do is single people aren't exactly embraced in this country. Short of being Derek Jeter, George Clooney, or Leonardo DiCaprio- and to remind you again: TIGER WOODS DID NOT THINK HE WAS DEREK JETER, GEORGE CLOONEY, OR LEONARDO DICAPRIO- guys who don't get married are seen as immature, skeevy, loserish, gay, or mentally deranged (I've heard all of these about me except for the skeevy, which weirdly makes me proud...)

So, not only did he face pressure to get married from the people he works with, but he also faced pressure from society to get married. And it was obviously not a good decision because he still wanted to bang cocktail waitresses. But since there were no other golfers banging cocktail waitresses, he figured he should get married. So he did.

Side Note: Did you know that 95% of society gets married KNOWING that 50% of them will fail?!? Has there ever been a more outrageous statistic than this?!? Imagaine buying something, ANYTHING that you knew failed 50% of the time?!? Imagine paying $68,000 for a BMW 5 Series KNOWING that half the mornings you turn the ignition it won't start?!? Or dropping $1500 on a Sony 1080p flat screen KNOWING that 50% of them will just stop working?!? I could go on like this for days, but keep that in mind the next time you're jealous that your friend is married and you aren't, know they dropped x thousands of dollars on a stainless steel refridgerator that will just stop keeping your food cold for 182.5 of the 365 days in a year.

Come Back Tomorrow For Part II...