Surprisingly, I Have No Opinion Of This

Before I get to today's topic, three entries from the world of Boston sports.....

I can finally breathe now that BC has lost.....

I find myself WANTING the Patriots to win- and many of you can call this a classic Coughlin flip flop- but here's where I am consistent: I have always said that the NFL's "parity" line is bunk. There is no parity in football. There is in fact, more in baseball. And the fact that the Patriots will go 19-0 and Tom Brady will break every meaningful quarterback record further proves my point. Parity, like Communism, works great on paper, but there is no such thing, so stop using that word.....

Raise your hand if you thought the timing of ARods announcement was pitiful. I know you are all raising your hands. So for those of you who ripped awful ARod (the greatest player in the history of the game) please be consistent and rip a guy who, on the day of the Red Sox celebratory parade releases a list of the 12 teams he'll play with and then tells us all about the "personal" letters he wrote to his teammates. Yes, this is one final, last rip on Shonda's husband. As if I needed further proof that everything is always about him, I present you with the worthless and utterly selfish antics of this ass clown. Letters are wonderful. They are super personal. I have letters that I have shared with no one and hopefully, letters that I have written have only been seen by one pair of eyes. What I have never done is write a letter and then talk about how awesome I am for writing this letter. Worthless, worthless, worthless. Enjoy Tampa Mr. Shonda. I'll be sorry to see you go because you will drastically decrease the topics I have to write about.....

Now, on to more enjoyable things. Someone recently told me I have an opinion on everything (it's been almost 34 years and somehow, no one has mentioned this to me). But safe to say, this statement is true. I feel it makes me who I am. It is also what drives people absolutely crazy about me. In my older, wiser years, I have tried to express my very strong opinions in a more clear and rationale way (and by that I mean less yelling and insulting of others). But there are still some subjects that bring out the worst in me and over the pass couple of weeks, a few people have pushed those very worst buttons on me and I have turned into Angry Gerard, which I have been trying to avoid.

So, it got me to thinking. What can I talk about at bars/cocktail parties/emails/happy hours that I will NOT have an opinion on? What are some generic, neutral issues that can be discussed where I will not offend/annoy/condescend people? I thought about this since my last post (so I've been thinking about it for awhile) and I managed to come up with the 20 things that I have absolutely no opinion on. And since the year is wrapping up and I love lists, you will probably be seeing a variety of posts where I opine, very strongly, about sundry different topics. So consider this a gift. You will get no opinions here and no one will be offended (well, maybe hunters and die hard Andy Garcia fans). And if things start to get testy at a bar with me, just shout out one of the following topics and I will go take a pee and you'll all get a break from my loud, annoying voice.

1. Rice: I get rice on my burrito. It's nice. I also like the hot rice from Sugar and Spice. But my brother made delicious burritoes at home and they had no rice and then Sugar and Spice forgot to give me my rice order once. Both times I was completely fine. And I never order it as a side when I go out to eat. But yet I make it at home when I feel like it. So rice is good, but I'm fine without it.

2. Worcester: People say Worcester is a dump. Ask a kid who went to college there and they want to blow it up. But I've been there a couple of times and it was fun. I've even seen a few good shows out there and had a couple of delicious meals. At the same time, I'm not driving out there on a Saturday (unless I'm coming to visit you Paige!!!!!). But it's certainly better than say, Haverhill. Or Methuen. Or anywhere on the South Shore. So I'll go to Worcester, but if it somehow disappeared from the map, it wouldn't really affect me. Of course, Paige, you and Jen would be in Florida on the day it disappears, so you'd still be alive, which is good.

3. Cigars: People love a good stoogie. I think they love more the sort of male bonding ritual of stoogies. I like them, although if I smoke a whole one, I get nauseous. Of course, I get nauseous riding in the back seat of a car, mostly because I'm a pussy, so that doesn't mean much. But when someone offers me one, I have a very rare reaction: I shrug and say, "Sure, I'll take one." But if I walk by a bunch of my friends smoking stoogies and they have none for me, I'm not upset. But if they are smoking stoogies AND talking about fantasy football, then I'll be very upset.

4. The Environment: Sorry Al Gore, it's one liberal issue I just can't get in a tizzy over. I recycle. In fact, my kitchen is full of empty beer bottles waiting to be recylced. But it doesn't light a fire under my ass. I'll be dead before it's an issue. Besides, I kind of wish that global warming would come to fruition tomorrow, because then we'd live in a post apocalyptic world, which excites me. I know that sounds weird, but it excites me because I have this weird feeling I'd be the Mad Max of this new world. In reality, I'd probably get killed by a falling iceberg.

5. Chicken, Ziti, and Broccoli: Always a staple at functions/parties. I eat if its there, but I often pass on it. Part of me likes it because it is the only thing my mother made that was remotely edible (after I dumped a pound of pepper on it). But I'm never making it at home and I'm never ordering it out. But I'll come eat it at your house if you want to make it for me. Just don't put mushrooms in it.

6. Hooded Sweatshirts: It seems everybody loves these. Try not seeing 150 of them some Sunday morning at Soundbites. I own one of them, and I wear it all the time, but I wear it because it says UMass Amherst on it (Sidenote: I wish Harvard and UMass had different colors, because I always see people wearing Maroon shirts/sweatshirts that are clearly college shirts and I get really excited thinking that a fellow Minuteman is around, but then I realize it is a cat in a Harvard shirt and I immediately feel inferior). But I just don't have the passion for hoodies that some people do. Belichick clearly likes them more than me.

7. Clue: I love board games (Life, Scrabble, Stratego). I hate board games (Cranium, Pictionary, or any other game where I have to rely on inept teammates). But Clue I couldn't care less about. It's a cool idea, but if I open a closet door at your house looking for a game, I'm not grabbing the Clue. That said, I'd play if you want. I did, however, like the film, largely because I liked the girl dressed in the French Maid costume.

8. Sam Adams: I mean, really, what did that revolutionary do...... I'm kidding. I'll drink an Oktoberfest, no doubt. But there's much better local micro brews (Harpoon, Ipswich, Tremont) and there are worse (Gearys..... That shit is gross!). So push aside that White Ale and pass me that #9 you got in your fridge, but please don't even think of giving me a Rolling Rock.

9. The View: Everybody talks about this show. I want it to fire me up. I should hate Elizabeth "The Nazi" Hasselbeck. But I don't. I find her completely irrlevant (maybe because she's married to the lesser QB and was as boring as light mayonaise on Survivor). And I should love Rosie, but I find her not overly entertaining. So what's the big deal about the show? I've watched it a few times and it's not bad. But it certainly doesn't take up space on my DVR. Is Star Jones still on it? I heard she's a lawyer.

10. Andy Garcia: Would you ever say, "I'm DYING to see the sequel to Jennifer 8 because Andy Garcia is in it?!?!?!?!?" Of course not. But is he as overrated as DeNiro or as nauseating as Zach Braff? Nope. And is he as money as Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo? Not even close. Quite frankly he's just..... There. I wish he were in a really cool movie like Oceans 11, where he could really make an impact and be memorable..... Wait a minute..... Wasn't he.....?

11. Iced Tea: "Hey Gerard, you want an Iced Tea?" I won't ask what else you have in your fridge and I won't say no. I'll drink it if you offer it to me. But I would have drank the lemonade if you offered me that too. Now Ice-T on the other hand.....

12. Deer: They are cute. They've had some good scenes in movies. That scene in Stand By Me was awesome. And wasn't there a funny deer scene in a Spade/Farley movie? But I don't get overly upset when one gets shot. Yes, I do have a strong opinion on hunting (which can be summed up in one sentence: Who the fuck hunts?), but it's not some much about the deer (sorry animal rights activists). I make fun of hunting more because of the fact that the supposed superior race has decided to track down and shoot animals that don't have the good sense to NOT run across a multi lane highway. Plus, Bambi never really upset me.

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So there it is sports fans, the list of the 20 things I have no opinion on. Granted, some of them would not make for great bar conversations (what, you don't want to talk about Iced Tea?). But, like I said at the outset, these topics will shut me up, prevent me from spitting on you, and contain the vein on my head from popping out.

Oh, and where did 13-20 go? Well, I couldn't actually think of 20 things I have no opinion of.

Shocking, eh?