"Hey Bubba, Who You Starting At Receiver This Week?"

Saturday night, I was out watching the Red Sox and after the game concluded, the jukebox started up. It was one of those great, new jukeboxes where you can download any song. Late in the night, "Mr. November" by The National came on. It was not played by me, but I was very happy to hear it. I was even happier to meet the guy who played it. And apparently, this guy was SUPER happy to meet me as he met a fellow fan (nerd) of a relatively obscure song that he chose to play. For a variety of reasons (well, one reason really: The Tower), I do not remember the conversation we had. But I do know that when I woke up and recalled this story, I was happy to have had a conversation with another dude that was different from the conversation that I hear most dudes having these days.

Truly, I'm sorry to cash in this entry and pull the Shaugnessey/Ryan Emptying out The Sports Drawer of The Mind. But I can't take it any more. I can't take hearing the SAME EXACT CONVERSATION FIFTEEN TIMES A WEEK BY FIFTEEN DIFFERENT GROUPS OF GUYS!!!!! So, for those of you that have this conversation, I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not. I just wish you'd stop having it. For those of you who STILL don't know what I'm talking to you about, raise your hand if you've heard one of these conversations or a slight variation of it in recent months:

1. "I'm so pissed man. I have the second highest point total in my league and I'm 1-5. Every week, I've played against the best team."

2. "So I'm down by 16 heading into Monday night and I have Palmer going. I need him to have a big night."

3. "I can't believe it! The team I was playin' had a kicker on his bye week and he picks up Bironas who has a stupid week and I lose by two."

4. "So I have Manning and he has a bye this week, and I need to decide who to start, Dilfer on Rosenfelds. Dilfer is going up against the Pittsburgh D which has the sixth worst pass defense in the league and Rosenfelds is coming off a monster week, so I can go with him too."

5. "I'm in second, but the first place guy just got Peterson from another guy for Morris just because the guy wanted a Pat."

6. "I'm taking Maroney with the sixth pick. I think he's going to have a huge year."

By now you know what I'm talking about: Fantasy Football.

Many of you know I hate football. My reasoning is simple (but quite possibly insane). I was wrong about Tom Brady.

But seriously, I'm not going to talk about the worthlessness of football (except to say, what other sports primary marketing campaign is Fantasy Leagues? And are there ten stars in the NFL right now? And what sort of sport has two good players at it's best position?) or the stupidity and luck of Fantasy Football. Instead I'm going to talk about the sad conversational state of the gender that has the Y Chromosome.

Now, I've had my fair share of inane conversations in my life. I regularly, seriously, and very scientifically present arguments as to why Jennifer Love Hewitt would like me if she met me in person. My brother and I recently discussed and ended up agreeing that it might actually be a really good thing to have Erectile Dysfunction. And then my sister and I talked- via text- about why banging in, when used as a slang term for calling in sick should really be called banging out (or was it vice versa?). I have also opined on whether or not a really strong man could knock a horse cold with a single punch as Arnold did in Conan The Destroyer.

But in all three cases, I am happy to say that, as a member of the male gender, I was having a conversation OTHER than one about fantasy football.

I mean, think about how awful a fantasy football conversation really is, particularly if you are not in a fantasy league. Do teams with the second highest point total ordinarily NOT go 1-5? Because I do know that the Texas Rangers have had good offenses in the past, but can't win anything. And my brother always says that the "down by x many points" conversation is also ridiculous because we have no idea what the scoring system of said leagues are. Is 16 points easy to overcome or difficult? And who is Bironas? Isn't he in the NHL? And as for who you are starting, guess what: You have no idea because it's all shit luck.

Again, I'm not sitting here saying that I am talking about the pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization (thanks Will). But it is sad to think that men have NOTHING else to talk about. And I'm serious here. I have heard, in the past seven days alone, fanatsy football conversations in the gym locker room (which I know is like saying there are mullets at a NASCAR event), at The Hold Steady show last night, at dinner before the Red Sox last weekend, and while I waited in line on a Monday morning in Starbucks (this was especially disappointing for me. I thought this was a conversation reserved strictly for Dunkin Donuts). I rarely hear conversations about books, music or even movies. I'm starting to think that men either A) Just play fantasy football or B) Stare at the back of seats, David Putty style.

So I'm asking you, the two male readers of this ridiculousness, to please, talk about something else this week. You know how they have Breast Cancer Awareness months/days and Black History Month? I propose we have A Fantasy Conversation Free Week. Just one week. We could all wear pins pronouncing our Fantasy Freeness. It would be like Fight Club. We'd sort of nod to one another as we passed in the streets or in the aisles of stores. If somebody brought up Fanatsy Football, we would pretend we had no idea what they were talking about. We could start a revolution. And I'd be the Che Guevara of Fantasy Football.

There is, of course, an outside chance that if we did this, no two males would converse for the entire week.

But anyways, I need you to listen men. Or not so much listen, but talk. Talk about something other than fake football teams. It's not like you have to have the effeminate, ridiculous conversations I have about how skinny ties look awesome or how the right brown shoes with a nice pair of gray pants can look uber trendy. But let's talk about something other than who to start at tight end on Sunday. Let's try talking about how awesome Wusthof Knives are. Or how good TBS reruns of The Offic are. Let's talk about what the best Oktoberfest is and where the best burger place around is. Heck, let's talk about transmissions and Skil Saws. Just give me something other than Fantasy Football. It's exhausting. And sad.

So those of you who actually play Fantasy Football, think before you talk about it. Because outside of conversations about bad poker beats, the history of Mag Lite Flashlights, your golf game, your hemorrhoids, or the cultural impact of Bill Cosby's sweaters, there is no conversation worse than a conversation about your fake football team.

And so now I have an apology to make. A few months ago, my friends Brian, Brian, Brian, Jay, Shaun, and Paul were discussing stone walls, lawns, and water features over email and I made fun of them. For the record, it wasn't only me making fun of them. It was Shaun too. In fact, he cracked the single funniest email joke I've ever seen. But it was mostly me. And now, after three months of conversations about Marques Colston and Atlanta's rush defense, I'm really sorry for making fun of them because instead, I should have been celebrating them and cherishing them as good friends. For alas, they were talking about something (geeky) OTHER THAN FANTASY FOOTBALL. And that, I now realize, was a great thing.

So good job boys. And I'm sorry for making those jokes about you guys being 54.

Well, I gotta run. I've got to go to a imdb chat room and discuss whether or not Obi Wan used the force or just had really good eye sight when when he stated correctly that the Death Star was in fact, no moon, but a space station.