Don't Worry My Man, I Got Your Back

In case you missed Access Hollywood or TMZ this week (I know you didn't Franks), there has been an ongoing feud between George Clooney and Fabio. Yes, that's right. Fabio. Is feuding. WITH GEORGE CLOONEY (I hate when people write in caps but I just had to do it here. And you'll see it again by the way.)!!!!!!

I do not ordinarily find the tabloid goss all that exciting, but I have been tracking this nugget as closely as Frank Drebin tracked the would be Assasin of Queen Elizabeth.

Why? Because truly, this is nothing short of the most amazing tabloid story of 2007 and it is not getting near the play it should be.

For the uninformed, this all started about three weeks ago when my man George confronted Fabio for disrupting a dinner he was having with his girlfriend of the moment. Fabio responded with this verbal tirade:

Actor Fabio has branded George Clooney "a low-class scumbag" after allegedly insulting female diners at a Hollywood restaurant. The romance icon stunned diners at the swanky Madeo eaterie when he exchanged fighting words with Clooney on November 2. But Fabio insists he was defending guests at his charity function and was forced to take action when a female dining companion complained Clooney called her "a fat cow." He says, "(George) was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him. So I went to the table and explained to him that we were having a charity dinner and I said, 'You're more than welcome to come to my table and see if there was a picture of you.' I apologized and he started being rude so I put him in his place. After I put him in his place - you know I'm three times his size - he got a little scared. I went back to my table and as soon as I sit down he paid his bill, got up and he started insulting the girls. He called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant. You have to be a low-class, scumbag to start calling a woman a name. If you're a man, you should never. You should be a gentleman. These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He's not even half a man."

Sidebar: My favorite part was when Fabio said he "put him in his place." How did he do that exactly? By showing George his iMDB page and pointing out that he has been on Arli$$ and Hollywood Squares and George hasn't been? Or did he do this by taking off his shirt and challenging my man to a push up contest? My second favorite part is when Fabio says he is "three times his size." I didn't know Fabio was the same size as a small horse. And lastly, I love when Fabio said "he (Clooney) was lucky he ran out of the restaurant." Picture George, ditching his girlfriend and fleeing the place like Constanza leaving a birthday party when a fire erupts. I digress.....

Back to the task at hand.

I would not enjoy all of this so much if it were Johnny Depp and George Clooney fighting. No doubt, the gossip world would be abuzz with the tale of those two legends battling, but not me. That would be entirely unfun. This is a hoot. Instead of being in a tizzy about a Depp/Clooney clash, I'm abuzz about a Z list celebrity somehow making it into the tabloids by calling George Clooney a scumbag (also hilarious is that Faabs called the 21st century icon a scumbag, a word ordinarily reserved for high school drug dealers and creepy mall security guards). And so I ask you.....

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU FIND THIS AS HILARIOUS AS ME?!?!?!?!?

I mean, you have an academy award winner, who acts, writes, and directs- all in tremendous fashion- battling it out with the man who has Farrah Fawcet's hair. My man George is routinely lauded as one of the greatest guys on the planet. He publicly says that he is a disaster to date and gets away with it; he is hilarious; and he always seems to be having a good time. If he were to run for president in 15 years, he'd win. He is the 21st Century's James Dean, Marlon Brando, John Wayne, Paul Newman, and Robert Redford. All rolled into one. And I'm not exaggerating here. He is that talented. He is the man and don't tell me differently.

So honestly, can you think of a funnier, more lopsided feud ever? This is like the Celebrity version of Tyson v. McNeely, Jordan v. Ehlo, Sox v. Rockies, or OJ's Dream Team v. Clark/Darden. And there are probably FEWER people rooting for the Fabio than those who rooted for the Rockies. I mean, at least Colorado had a major urban center supporting them. Whose supporting Fabio? George could have gone over to his table completely unprovoked cut Fabio's hair with a steak knife, taken a dump on Fabio's girlfriends chest, vomited in Fabio's Mai Tai, and given Fabio a beaker in the balls and everyone would STILL side with Clooney.

And Fabio. You should have let this one go Fabio because you are now more of a laughingstock than you ever were. And there were some low, LOW times in your life.

Here's one example.....

In 2004, there was a short lived reality show called Average Joe. Average Joe was the story of a cutie named Larissa who had to choose between hunks and average "Joes". Naturally, she choose the hunk.

But Larissa had a big surprise. And when the show concluded, she wanted to tell her selection (he was called Gil) her "big secret." Well, her big secret was that she dated Fabio for two and a half years (Now, I could have an entirely seperate blog about Larissa. It would be titled, "Who Decides It Is A Good Idea To Date Fabio?" Or it could be called, "Hello, My Name is Larissa and I Think It Would Be A Really Good Idea to Date- For 2 1/2 Years- That Guy Who Graces The Cover of Harlequin Romance Novels."). I suppose if I dated Fabio, I would keep this a secret as well. Only I would keep it a really, REAL secret as there is no chance in hell I would tell people that I dated Fabio.

Anyways, after hunky Gil gets this informtaion, he dumps Larissa. Right there on the spot. He freaks out and says that he can't date her. The next day, Gil announces publicly that he is not with Larissa and the reason is that her ex-boyfriend is Fabio. You might see where I am going with this..... If you don't well then, let me explain to you. Actually, let me explain it to Fabio in an open letter.....

Dear Faabs (I'm assuming we're boys),

Hey, heard you were fighting with George Clooney. That's a good decision Blondie, and do you know why? BECAUSE A GIRL WHO ONCE DATED YOU WAS DUMPED BY A NO NAME DUDE WHO NOW WOULD PROBABLY KILL TO GET A CINEMAX LATE NIGHT PROGRAM!!!!! Let me say this again Faabinator.....

SOME NO NAME DUDE DECIDED YOU WERE SO AWFUL THAT HE COULD NOT DATE A GIRL WHO HAD EVER DATED YOU!!!!!

What does that say about you Faabs? I mean, I get it if Gil dumped said girl for dating me because then her sanity would definitely have to be questioned, but aren't you supposed to be some sort of star, Faabs? And yet Gil STILL decided that the girl was so worthless that he couldn't date her. BECAUSE SHE DATED YOU!

You know what this also says Fabio? That you should not be publicly bashing one George "Dean/Brando/Redford/Newman/Wayne" Clooney because NO ONE IS GOING TO SIDE WITH YOU!!!!! WE ARE INSTEAD ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!!!!!!

Or at the very least, I am.

Respectfully Submitted,

Big G

PS: Stay tuned for Part II- arriving soon- in which I discuss the ten feuds that would be ALMOST as funny as this one.