Sorry this took so long. Between the drinking and the drinking, I haven't had time to blog. Plus if you can believe it, I've actually had to do work at work. Never a good thing.....
Anyways, how funny was that last story? Clooney vs. the Faabinator? Are you serious? And so that got me to thinking..... What battles would be just as comically worthless? What would I love to see, if for no other reason that laughing really hard. Well, Icame up with ten battles that are on the level of clooney v. fabio. Granted, it's not very timely since that Clooney story is now a month old, but I started this awhile ago and wanted to finish. The next one will be better.....
1. Steve Mirasolo v. Andre The Giant (The living version)- I love my boy Steve. As he will tell you 9 seconds afer meeting him, he is state znd new england wrestling champion (Of course, this is coming from a guy who still references his Class of 1992 Best Dressed Superlative). But really, what could he do against Andre? He'd certainly be talking a ton of trash and saying how he's gonna "tah the shit outta ya roof Andre!!!!" He might also pull out his tooth in an attempt to distract The Giant. And yes, Steve would have some quickness but Andre would just wear him down with hilarious lines like, "Anybody want a peanut?" And like the Clooney/Fabnio thing, no one is rooting for Mirasolo, not because we don't like him, but because we all love Andre.
2. Jay Z v. Ini Kamoze- Jay Z is the self proclaimed greatest rapper alive. Ini Kamoze is the guy who wrote a song titled, "Here comes the Hotstepper." What do you think Ini is doing as you read this? Tarring Mirasolo's roof?
3. Tom Brady v. Hugh Millen- Remember Hugh Millen, the quarterback during the darkest days that any franchise has ever seen? Before Madden Football became the cultural annoyance that it currently is, it used to be just another game for Sega Genesis. It wasn't nearly as good as NHL 95. But I do remember playing it with The Patriots once. I think Leonard Russel was their running back. As it just so happens, Hugh Millen was the teams quarterback (both in real life and in the world of pixelization). Hugh Millen had an overall rating of 17. At 5'10", 185 pounds, with 7.4 forty speed and hands of stone, I think there is outside chance that my overall rating might be higher than 17. I zip passes to my brother in the living room and I once took the wonderlicht test (online) and did well. So I might definitely be an 18. So really, imagine him coming out right now and saying Brady isn't that good? Imagine him telling us that Brady is "not a man." Awesome.
4. Led Zeppelin Fans v. The Eagles Fans- Who cares who wins this? I just had to write about two bands who I hate so much and are so irrelevant somehow being relevant again. But seriously, don't you want to meet the people buying and then actively listening to these albums? And wouldn't you love to get in on an Eagles/Zeppelin debate (I'm not sure why this would happen, but then again, Andre The Giant is dead) and listen to the pearls of wisdom that the fans of these bands would be disseminating? Do Eagles fans meet in chat rooms and discuss what's better, this new album or hell freezes over? And do Zeppelin fans discuss the cultural importance of a song about Lord of the Rings?
5. Michael Scott v. The NAACP- Nothing needs to be said here..... Just imagine sit back watch, enjoy, and feel eerily uncomfortable.
6. Anton Chugrh v. "The Don't Taze Me Bro" Guy- "Anton! Anton! Don't taze me bro!" Anton's response in calm, creepy voice, "I will not taze you. Taze is not a weapon I have." Then he slaughter house airguns him in the head.
7. Jonathan Papelbon v. The President of Mensa- Ever hear Papelbon talk? I mean seriously, have you actually listened to it? He makes up more words than George Bush. On Letterman, Papelbon used Bedazzle as an adjective as in, David Ortiz is a bedazzler." Think that's a question on the Mensa Test? And why does it always seem like he's yelling?
8. Bill Clinton v. My Mother- This would be the world's most enjoyable political debate. My mother hates no human more than she hates Bill Clinton. My mother is also not really as intelligent as Bill Clinton. She would just start yelling about illegals and then segue into how Clinton is responsible for all the problems in America (she really thinks that he is responsible for all of the problems. Seriously. From Staph infections to the inability of Willie Parker to hold onto the football, she thinks Clinton is responsible). So, I'd love to see him turn to her and say, in his calmest most sincere Arkansas-esque tone, "I like you Jane. My wife is responsible for developing a health care program that will allow you to live til 103 and torture your children forever." Then my mother will love him.
9. Boggs in The Shawshank Redemption v. OJ- Wouldn't you love to see OJ running around the film room, trying to get away from OJ? That would make all clips of him playing golf and searching for his wife's killer much less irritating.
10. Axl Rose v. Diamond David Lee Roth- It be awesome if these two just duked it out, both verbally and physically. You'd have Diamond Dave doing Scissor kicks on Axl's head and then you'd have Axl chucking microphone's at Diamond Dave. And what do you think they'd wear to the bout? Would Axl go kilt or white Spandex? Does dave keep the current haircut or does he go back to the Hulk Hogan/Chris Kaman balding mullet? I can't believe that MTV show Celebrity Death Match never came up with this.
Bonus: Me v. Zach Braff or Dane Cook or Curt Schilling or Judd Apatow- There is pretty much nothing I'd beat them at, but I'd like to battle them in that American Gladiator Joust game just so I could get a cheap shot on one of them as i'd cheat and swing right before the bell rings. That would make me really happy. Plus, it would all make you happy to see me lose to these guys and then cry like the Ravens. Which I hardly ever do.
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