The Inevitable Has Finally Happened

There are some things you can just see coming.

You know M. Night Shyamalan's next movie will suck. You know the ending to Lost will disappoint everyone. You know I will somehow find a way to make a song by The National number one on my year end list. You know Bill Simmons will reference Shawshank Redemption in his next post. You know a high school boy will say something unfunny today in every high school throughout the nation.

So it should come as absolutely no surprise that I have changed my mind about something I once very passionately despised. So here it goes.

I love Tom Brady.

Not respect or like or find funny. I literally LOVE Tom Brady.

In the words of Ra Ra Riot in my Kermit the Frog voice (sorry, way too inside of a joke), what am I supposed to do? Look at that picture! He's even wearing the Big G uniform!

In all seriousness how am I NOT supposed to love a guy who says what he said in GQ's new issue?!?

IN PRINT- for all Masshole, meatball, truck driving, Wrangler wearing, Patriot fans to read- he has this gem...

"Flat fronts. Always. I see so many guys, really athletic guys, wearing pleats and I just shake my head. Like, Tiger Woods used to wear pleated pants! I'm like, C'mon, Tiger!"

How can I not love a guy who says to millions of New Englanders who sit on their couch in their tasseled shoes and dad jeans that their wives bought for them fifteen years ago this...

"I think any man who lets a woman pick what he should wear... I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere as a man. I see these guys, 'My wife told me to wear this!' And I just shake my head."

How can I not love a guy who is the very ANTITHESIS of the sport I hate?!? He lives in the Back Bay (not Medfield or Sharon), he hangs out with fashion designers (most of whom are likely gay and thus, loathed by football fans), he presses the flesh with world renowned photographers who have no care what he does for a living, and instead of talking about about Michael Vick and roughing th passer penalties in an interview, he talks about the pros and cons of straight leg and boot cut jeans.

Throw in the fact that in the offseason, this guy bounces off to his pad in Manhattan (when he's not jet setting across the globe for photo shoots), throws on a Yankees hat, and kills episodes of Entourage and this guy HAS to be my man.

He's the NFL's version of my boy Becks. And I officially love it.

I mean, there is no blog on WEEI. There is no trip to Fenway for a Sunday night Yankee game. Hell, this guy doesn't even show up for a charity bowling event or golf tournament. Short of having to work in this state for seven months per year, this guy is as Massachusetts as a George Bush.

And so again, what am I supposed to do?

He is the single most recognizable player in his stupid sport (to steal a line from the GQ interview, would you have any idea who Drew Brees is and he may win MVP this year?!?) and he is so against everything that is football and that just must make that season ticket holding dude who paints his head silver absolutely INSANE!!!

Part of me wants Brady to fail, just to see the backlash against him in this town because it would be epic. The fans would turn on him like Ray Liotta turned on his boys in Goodfellas (I was channeling my inner Simmons with that dated analogy) and we all know why they would. Because he isn't one of "them." he isn't a Masshole who gets his uniform dirty like Lou Merloni or scrambles around with reckless abandon like Doug Flutie. He is HOLLYWOOD and if there is anything I know, every Masshole from Stoughton to Saugus to Swansea to Southborough HATES Hollywood.

And so it must drive all these football fuck heads NUTS that they can't hate Brady because short of Joe Montana, he is the best player to ever play the most important position on the field. He wins and wins and wins. He's more clutch than David Oritz and before his freak injury last year, he was NEVER hurt. He is everything a Masshole Pats fan wants him to be.

Except he's not.

He's not that everyman because he hates pleated pants, knows what a pocket square is and is savvy enough to know that you always pair brown shoes with a navy blue suit, and rocks the gingham dress shirt with the solid skinng tie regularly (did I mention that I wore a suit to Brennan's wedding because Brady wore it and this was months before the man crush was established?!? I didn't? Well, I bet you can guess what I wore).

And I just love it.

Some things could be better. He could like coffee more. And he could drink a beer after the game. And maybe he could sit around and blog and play Playstation.

But the fact of the matter is he is the man and while you might criticize me for liking a football player, I say the fact he plays football makes him even BETTER because he is being the man in a sport where being THIS type of man is unacceptable. And that's awesome.

Oh yeah, there's one more, minor detail that makes him absolutely the man.

He's married to this...

The Yankees Really Do Suck, Football Fans Are Really Liberals, 81-1, Best Of Boston Is Stupid, The End Of The Fall Beer Season, And One Great Ass

So yes, the Yankees won a week ago and it's old news. But you have heard me say for years that they are my second favorite team because I am a "baseball guy." Well, after watching these tool bags in the playoffs, the Yankees are not my second favorite team. Teixeira is an absolute fuckin goof, A-Rod has posters of himself as a Centaur, and if I met Nick Swisher in person, I'd want to kick him (you know he wears the outdated by three years Ed Hardy shirt, overly bedazzled and flared True Religions, and a faux hawk). Throw in goober Joba and shit stick Burnett and they have an awfully dislikable team. They still have Mo and Pettitte and that's good, but it is going to be fun absolutely hating these guys next year...

Believe the hype about Paranormal Activity as it is great. As my friends Dave and Scott will tell you, I let out a man scream in the theater and then had a hard time sleeping that night...

I feel like liquor stores rotate out the fall beers far too quickly. They come out right at the start of September and at that time, I am in fall denial and so I don't want the fall beers until later in the season. And now it's November 11th and liquor stores and bars are already out of fall beers and have transitioned to Winter Lagers. That's bunk...

Hideki Matsui as a DH instead of David Ortiz? Absolutely, if for no other reason than he drew a picture of his wife to introduce her on media day...

So I've been paying attention to this Bill Simmons WEEI feud and while I loathe Big O, Simmons can be a huge baby. Yes, EEI has been shredding him and I would certainly want to fire back if I were Simmons, but he SHOULD fire back and stop whining. He's made a career of absolutely crushing people and that's fine, but he has to understand that he is going to burn some bridges along the way. And if that is the case, I wish he'd just man up and fire back. He actually said some really funny things on The Sports Hub (like saying Big O surrounds himself with garbage talent who will never take his job... That was gold, Jerry, Gold!), but I wish he fired away at Big O on air. I mean, Christ Bill, I have four people who read my blog and three of those people likely hate me. You should recognize that the same is going to happen to you Bill. That said, I'll still buy his book...

Speaking of books, a new Chuck Klosterman book is out and it is called Eating The Dinosaur. It is absolutely hilarious and easy to read as it is a collection of essays. I am so jealous of the way he writes and I wonder if lines like this, "What are the things that make adults depressed? The master list is too comprehensive to quantify (plane crashes, unemployment, killer bees, impotence, Stringer Bell's murder, gambling addictions, crib death, the music of Bon Iver, et al.)" take him a while to think about or do they just come to him? "We used to read something called The Weekly Reader in second grade. This was like a newspaper for four foot tall illiterates." There is no way he came up with this on a whim is there? It's just incredible. He also writes in one sentence what I have been trying for ten years to say about Oprah, "Oprah is doing something good, but not necessarily for the motive of goodness." But his best chapter is on football. No, he doesn't shred it. He in fact loves football (I have known this for years and it doesn't bother me... Too much), but he writes how it can be compared to politics and if sports were politics, then football would be the screaming, ACLU card carrying, LIBERAL. He writes how that goes against what every fan thinks of the game (he cites that most fans of the game are Republicans polls say) because they see it s a gladiatoresque battle without guaranteed contracts and what have you. But really, it has changed more so than anything and that "liberal" coaches and coordinators who invented things like the no huddle offense, the Wildcat, and the West Coast offense were first seen as liberal freaks, but then were copied by everyone. So see football fans... You should be liberals because the game you love so much is The Bill Clinton of major sports...

My Cees will be 81-1. It's going to be awesome. It will be especially awesome when they have a better record than the 1986 Celtics and they win it all. Because then, hopefully, white people from Boston will stop talking about the 1986 Celtics...

Speaking of sports and liberals, kind of surprising to see that Morgan Freeman is playing the role of Nelson Mandela in the Clint Eastwood film Invictus. I guess the Wayans brothers had a prior commitment and couldn't take the part...

Sticking with the film theme, this could be a big awards season for me. Early buzz is that Damon may grab an Academy Award nom and that Clooney DEFINITELY will for Up In The Air. If my boy Cloon Dog wins he will have won the same amount as lame Niro and one more than stupid Pacino. Yes, this is what I think about...

My nut bag conservative friend (love you Steve!) who loves to toss political bombs at me via text (since I'm easier to reel in than a sunfish, he gets me with these all the time) told me an awesome story about Boston magazine and their "Best of Boston" issue. He relayed to me a story about a good friend who was nominated. After the nomination, the magazine then asked the nominee to make a $5000 donation. When the nominee said they did not have the money, the nomination was revoked. I've got to say that I completely buy this story because that Best of Boston issue has always irritated me and I haven't been able to figure out why. Well this is why. Every time I read that issue, I always feel like the "best" stuff really isn't the "best," but instead, is always just the most expensive. Or the most pretentious. I'm not a hard core follower of the magazine, but it feels like the winners are ALWAYS the same places and they are likely the same places because they give the most money to the magazine. In the words of Rob Gordon, I never liked Boston magazine much and I fuckin HATE it now...

I asked in my last post why the topic of every single conversation leading up to Halloween wasn't about skanks. Well, a couple of weeks ago, there was this shot of Erin Andrews at a college football game that showed up on TV and was then on Barstoolsports:
Like the Halloween conversation, how was this not absolutely the number one thing people were talking about for days?!? I mean, it should have been the most searched picture on Google and Yahoo! for days straight. I mean, people talked about J-Lo's ass for two years and everyone talks about Kim Kardashian's ass and this ass is way, WAY better than theirs combined. I mean, this is literally the best ass I have ever seen. Couple that with the outfit she's rocking and she's moving up my list. I've always liked her (as evidenced by an old post) and I'm pretty sure that if she met me, she'd like me...

Is there anything worse than unexpected car problems? I go today to get a slow leak in my tire fixed and my friggin rim is cracked. This is bad, both for safety reasons and monetary purposes. For some reason, my Jetta has "performance" tires and rims that are apparently so expensive, they belong on Shaq's car. $700 later, I got my slow leak fixed...

I'm mere weeks away from my song post (my favorite post, likely not yours) and what has been a weak year in music has picked up the last couple of weeks. Bat For Lashes is a phenomenal disc as is the new one from The Raveonettes, but if you have 99 cents to spare (and if you need a slow leak fixed, you likely don't) please download Passion Pit's "Little Secrets." There is not a song that will make you happier than this...

The Office has done an amazing job with the whole Jim and Pam thing. Marriages and babies are the two things that will make a show Jump The Shark, but The Office has handled the Jim and Pam marriage thing perfectly. They don't make it a central plot point and instead of having a silly will they or won't they thing (hello Cheers and Friends), they just made them get married and moved on with the show. It was a great move...

The Entertainment Weekly holiday film preview was awesome and I love the early Oscar discussion. There looks to be a few great ones out there but that stupid musical Nine with that stupid all star cast led by the stupid Daniel Day-Lewis will be... Wait for it... So stupid. I just absolutely hate musicals and this can and likely will be a great rant when I finally see Nine (yes, I see movies I know I will hate. More normal behavior.). I mean, in what situation do people just break into song and dance? God, musicals are stupid...

So very year my mother asks for a Christmas list. For whatever reason, this tradition has continued well into our adulthood and it always becomes a source of discussion in our family. Well, my list is 29 items long and features pictures and links to where to purchase said item. It took me almost two hours to complete. Yes, you are my friend...

Skankoween

We all know that Halloween is the absolute worst holiday. For most of us non-douche bags and non-chuckahs, this is understood. Along with St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve, Halloween has the "Do Not Go Out" sign draped on it for you are bound to be surrounded by tools of all sorts regardless of where you go.

But when did this once glorious children's holiday turn into one giant Foxy Lady, complete with skankolicious costumes?

Believe me, I do not find these costumes the least bit offensive and they often produce some of the best pictures on Barstool's Local Smokeshow of The Day. But I just want to know two things.

1. When and how did the skank halloween costume happen?
2. How is said skank costume not the single greatest topic of conversation between the days of October 15th and November 1st?

Let me explain why I have question number one.

I have a great ability (so says I) of understanding and figuring out the exact tipping point of all things pop culture. While I am not as good as Klosterman at figuring this out, I am better than Simmons. For example...

I understand the big hair trend that I grew up with in B-Town in the 1980s (and, unfortunately for B-Town, the early 1990s). Cable television hadn't exploded, and the internet was only a thing of Al Gore's dreams, so all we really had to influence us was MTV and 80s movies. And EVERY GIRL in an 80s video from Whitesnake, Poison, or Cinderella had big hair (why high school girls thought it was a good idea to follow the lead of faux metal groupies is an entriely separate post). As did the ladies of 80s movies. Jake's girlfriend in 16 Candles and Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club are both in their full Aqua Net glory in each film. So naturally, girls of that time period were going to copy that look.

Then we have the god awful "grunge" look with girls dressed in Doc Martens and flannels (it would figure that I- lover of all things skanky and cheesey- went to college in this era). This can obviously be blamed on Eddie Vedder, Kurt Cobain, and Singles. From there, we moved onto the half shirt, pierced navel, and exposed thong. Certainly a phenomenal era and one that can be directly attributed to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Girls getting tatoos can be blamed on Pamela Anderson (think about this... All those chicks we loved from the 80s and early 90s like Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, and even Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from her Saved By The Bell days were all sans tattoo... Now, there is scarcely a skankolicious hottie alive that DOESN'T have the tattoo. It was Pammy and her tats that blew this thing up and that's a fact). And todays short dresses with high boots (yes, I love this stage) can be blamed on those idiotic chicks from The Hills and it's awful offshoots.

But what caused the skank Halloween costume? I mean, why does it exist? Where was the tipping point? At what point did Skankoween do the opposite of Jump The Shark (By the way? What is the opposite of Jumping The Shark? By definition, it has to be when you realize that something is so totally awesome. For example, when I was watching Seven, I distincly remember the scene where I said, whoa, this movie is incredible. There has to be an antonym for Jumping The Shark. Discuss).

In Amherst in the Fall of 1995, I clearly recall being at a Halloween party and it was skank free. The girls were a baseball player (with a actual uniform instead of mini shorts, high socks, and a cut in half Red Sox shirt), a scarecrow (with a flannel probably left over from her '92 wardrobe) and a farmer. After college, I went to a few Halloween parties and I was even in Salem one year. I saw women as witches, women as Axl and Slash, and women as football players. Still, I saw no skanks. In fact, it was a terrible night to go out because girls would be dressed up in big baggy costumes and god awful make-up and it would really grind my gears because I wanted some skank, goddamit.

But then, one day, out of nowhere came the Skankoween. It was like the emergence of David Ortiz. There was no groundswell for the skank costume. There was no pre-tsunami like warning. There was no pop culture altering episode of Friends or ER where everyone dressed like skanks. It just came to be. And I have no rationale explanation as to where it came from. It wasn't part of the Britney/Christina generation, because girls just dressed liked them on a daily basis. It wasn't a by product of skank fests like The Girls Next Door or The Gauntlet because the Skankoween happened before that.

So really, what spawned this phenomenon? And more importantly, how has it become a completely acceptable part of our culture? Now, because I am a Pam Anderson skank lover, I have no problem with said phenomenon, but where is the outrage? Where are the feminists who stand outside of Hooters protesting the uniform (which actually leaves far more to the imagination than some Skankoween costumes I have experienced)? How can Halloween stores sell costumes that are LITERALLY called Naughty Nurse, Sexy Sailor, and Buxom Bumblebee (okay, I made that one up, but not bad, right?)? How come when you ask a girl what she is going to be for Halloween and she replies, "Britney Spears," you know she is going to come dressed as this Britney Spearsas opposed to this Britney Spears? What do parents of tweens do when they walk together down the aisle at IParty and see these costumes?!? Do they say to their kids, "Listen Ava, you cannot be a Naughty Nurse this year because you are only 14, but in five years, when you are a freshman at Westfield State, you can wear that costume, get really drunk, and post pictures of it on Facebook along with your spring break bikini pics."

I mean, really, where is the outrage? Women I know (even the classy ones... Yes, I know classy women... A few) don't even raise an eyebrow at the "dirty" cop or the french maid. In fact, some women proudly tell you AHEAD of time that they are going to be a Naughty Nurse and we who receive that information don't even do bat an eye. We just take it in and say, "oh, that's cool."

I guess in our age of lethargy, I shouldn't be surprised that no one cares about skankstumes. We all know that dudes are going to say absolutely nothing about this lest we lose a night where we can see girls dressed like strippers without having to go to a strip club, but what about you women. Specifically, you classy ladies out there; what's your excuse?!? Why aren't you angry?!? Do you too secretly WANT to wear these costumes, only your inner Catholic tells you you shouldn't feel this way?!? Or do you just make fun of the girls afterwards?!? Or do you just not care because while Sexy Pussy Cat may look good in her leather pants, you can beat her at Scrabble!? I mean, give me something!

And if you can't find the energy, passion, or interest to get upset about this, could you at least tell me why and how Skankoween became an acceptable part of our culture? Because I do want to know that.

Ultimately, I know I won't be saying anything, but I have a reason for that. If Skankoween keeps up, we'll eventually have costumes where girls just go as "one of the girls from the orgy in Eyes Wide Shut" or "one of the girls from the photos at the end of The Hangover."

And that wouldn't bother me one bit.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It's called a break up because it is broken.

And this relationship is beyond repair.

I tried to make it work, I really did.

But I should have seen the fissures in the relationship two years ago when it really started to go south. But it was hard to do that. because I learned so much from my partner over the years. We spent so much quality time together and my dearly beloved brought me so much happiness and pleasure. For my partner introduced me to new people and I made new friends, some of which I still hold dear. But no matter how hard I tried and how badly I wanted to make it work, it just wasn't ever going to be the same. Really, it's been broken for months now, maybe even a year, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I tried to make it work; God how I tried. I would revisit my partner, hoping to rekindle some of the magic we once had. We would get drunk and hook up again, mostly in the car which is where we first made our relationship official. But no matter how hard I tried, the magic could not be rekindled and then, late this summer, I realized that I couldn't cling to the past and I officially had to move on.

I've been looking for a new partner, but they are not as pretty, nor will they ever give me the joys and memories I once shared with my first love. I need something to make me forget my old flame. Maybe there is a rebound relationship waiting out there for me or maybe I'll find something better, but for the here and now, I'm officially single. But I have to finally say this out loud. I need to realize that I am single and that it is over between me and my former flame. I have to admit that I have been lying to myself for the past two years and that I need to stop longing for the past and admit that what I had is gone and so I will do that now. I will bid my fair maiden goodbye once and for all because I know that it is truly over. So here I go...

WFNX... I am breaking up with you.

Officially.

In some ways, this has been my most challenging break-up. For anyone within seven or eight years of my age of 35, you know WFNX has meant something to us. And so to lose FNX is like losing everything. FNX was around before iTunes, before satellite radio, and before hipster blogs and music sharing services exposed us to new music. It was especially valuable if you were a moody high school kid growing up in Burlington, Massachusetts; because short of the recommendations of the long haired, pierced due at Newbury Comics; we had nothing. MTV played "Ice Ice Baby" and "U Can't Touch This" on a constant loop, hip hop was really starting to take off and hard rock was in the Dark Ages of Slaughter, Tesla, and Firehouse. Save for the release of Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II, the coolest music a 17 year old from an all white suburb could "discover" was a classic rock album by a band that WASN'T their greatest hits or maybe get a recommendation from a friends cool, older brother who was away at college.

And so WFNX was the perfect outlet for the late 80s/early 90s emo kid that I was (what did you call emo kids in that generation? We weren't hippies or skids... I guess we were just nerds who liked whiny music) and what an outlet it was. The station introduced me to everything from the Cure and Radiohead. to The Jesus and Mary Chain and Beck. FNX was also the first to play this song called "Fallin' Down" by a band with a funny name called the Goo Goo Dolls. Now granted, the Goo Goo Dolls are Kiss 108 staples, but back in the day, they were just a alt-rock band from Buffalo. I once saw on Behind The Music that that album sold 2100 copies and for those of you not in the know, that isn't a lot of albums to sell. Well, I had a copy and it was because of WFNX.

It was tough to maintain a relationship with FNX in college as their signal was weak, but we saw each other on summers and vacations. I caught up to Rage Against the Machine and Tool during those breaks. After college, the station remained a bastion of hipness (even though they did go through their dark Limp Bizkit period which is strangely, the same period they are going through now) breaking bands like Fatboy Slim, Blink-182, Coldplay, and The Killers. They are also responsible for some amazing one hit wonders and iPod playlist staples from bands like Lo-Fidelity All Stars, Powderfinger, and Primitive Radio Gods. Granted, these bands never "made it," but all have songs that I love that I would absolutely never have heard without FNX.

More recently, it has been easier to find music because of the internet and chat room word of mouth. And for music poseurs like my brother (he listens to bands that don't even exist yet), FNX became less of a tool that broke new music. But they still played The Killer's "When You Were Young" before you could get it on the web and they played Arcade Fire's "Black Mirror" long before it was available for commercial release. They also had The National, stellastarr*, and TV On The Radio in regular rotation (granted, it was for about two weeks) in recent years. And long before Kings of Leon was OMIGOD KINGS OF LEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, "The Bucket" was an FNX regular.

But those days are long, long gone. Now, "new music" for FNX is Taking Back Sunday, Paramore, and AFI. And sure, they mix it up with old stuff. But it's the same, banal old stuff like Bush, The Beastie Boys, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sublime, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots. Sure, I liked those bands at one time and I even like the new Pearl Jam song, but now?!? In 2009?!? On a station that claims to be "alternative," "independent" and "where new music starts?!?" Please. Save that stuff for WAAF.

I could ramble on about their hoorrific music selection for days or I could toss out the fact that we are also getting Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones on FNX, but more importantly, I just want o know one thing.

What the hell happened?!?

Where did it all go so wrong?!?

I mean, one minute WFNX and I are going out to great dinners, getting drunk all the time, having wild sex five times a night and then the next minute, WFNX is telling me I can't go out with my friends and they are wearing flannel pants and oversized sweatshirts everywhere. Now, if this were a slow build or we starting drifting apart, I'd get it. But it was just two years ago that I saw The National for free because it was a WFNX sponsored show. Now? I get a new song from The Offspring; relevance circa 1994.

I look for the turning point and it seems it happened when The Sandbox arrived. I wanted to like The Sandbox and even did for about twelve days. But I can't blame the dissolution of my relationship with WFNX solely on those three clowns because it goes much deeper than that. The introduction of Loveline at 10:00 was a killer, as was the obvious shift in programming. But, like any real relationship, what may have killed us is the introduction of a third party. or should I say, destruction of a third party. That third party being the end of WBCN.

When BCN ceased to exist, FNX (whose ratings have always been for shit) probably saw an opportunity to gain new listeners. And as pround as my non-conformist behavior as I am, I realize that a company can't be successful catering to the non-conformists. Unless you are Pabst. But FNX is not Pabst and so they saw an opportunity to gain new listeners, particularly among the 24-39 male demographic and so they changed everything around to get those 24-39 year olds. And while my age technically puts me in that demographic, my non-conformist behavior and hatred of Massholes makes me decidedly NOT part of that demographic. So where Stone Temple Pilots is really working for Frank Ford F-150, it is doing nothing for me.

But even more frustrating that not knowing where it all went wrong is the acceptance of blame phase. I want FNX to speak up and say, "You know what Big G, I don't like you anymore and I'm done with you, but yes, I did some things wrong too."

I want Paul Driscoll (he's got to be stewing about this, no?) to address these issues some night. I want the Friday music section of The Globe to do an interview with The Phoenix Media Group where they explain to me what is going on and acknowledge the change. I want someone from that station to stand up and say, "Dammit Big G, I LIKE flannel pants and big ugly sweatshirts and if you liked me too, you would accept me for who I am."

Granted, I won't accept them for who they are, but still I want answers. I NEED answers. I need to know how it went from so good to so bad and I want to know if they are happy with where they are because goddammit WFNX, if you are happy with the place you're in, then that is fine. I'll let you go. I won't like it, but I've fought and fought and fought for you and I can't do it anymore.

So what is a scorned ex-lover to do?!? Well, like I said, I'm officially radio single. I have thought about dating the fake titted, faux tanned, 24 year old blonde that is Satellite Radio. I thought about getting the biggest, most expensive package (pun intended) that XM or Sirius has and just drown myself in a sea of awesomeness. But would that really make me happy? For the time being it might, but I'll still never have that TRUE bond I had with FNX because my and satellite radios whole relationship will be a big fraud and we'll know it.

So for now, I guess I'll settle for the safe, J Crew sweater wearing, 28 year old, elementary school teacher who is a solid six or seven and utilize my iPod playlists for awhile.

But sooner or later, I'm going to go looking for something else; something perfect. I wish that could have been WFNX because they may have been The One, but when it's over... It's over.

Take care WFNX. I wish you nothing but the best. We had a great run and I'll forever be thankful for what you taught me both about myself and the music I adore.

But let me give you one piece of advice: Lose those stupid flannel pants that is your awful music because eventually, Ed Hardy wearing, Massachusetts Meatballs get old. You'll want something else. Something real. Something true.

I Really Wish I Was Fucking Matt Damon

I'm a lot like Peter Gammons. I always have been.

Like Gammons, I have old balls. Like Gammons, I have a face made for writing. Like Gammons, I like to live in the present. And like Gammons, I'm the best at what I do.

Gammons is the guru of baseball writing. And I am the guru of film blogging.

The greatest strength of Gammons has always been his ability to change with the times. Bob Ryan (who I love) is the undisputed God of Basketball writing, but he has never been able to change with the times. With the exception of his calling Paul Pierce the Greatest Offensive Player In Celtic History (blasphemous for every Celtics fan aged 30 or over, but also 100% correct), Bob Ryan has always been stuck in the past. He likes the old offensive games better, the passing, the team play and blah, blah, blah. Gammons on the other hand, has always touted the CURRENT game. To a fault almost. He has stuck by Barry Bonds and defends A-Rod incessantly, but steroids aside (and that's a big thing to put aside), they deserve all of his accolades. Nowadays, he touts the greatness of Albert Pujols (who was the topic of discussion during the best radio bitch slap ever) and the Cy Young candidacy of Zack Greinke. He doesn't say they aren't as good as Stan Musial or Bret Saberhagen, but he instead says they are just plain good. Period. And I love that.

My point? We all get caught in the past and love old stuff to a fault. I've done it with Atari games. I once bought a Playstation video game that had like 100 Atari games on it (I paid twenty dollars for this game... Atari games used to avergae about $30 a game, so if I could go back in time and purchase this game, I would have saved myself $2980) and I played it for about 35 minutes before I realized it sucked. Why did it suck? Because the games were old and shitty and there are way better new and unshitty games that have surpassed those Atari games. Pujols probably IS better than Stan Musial and Zack Greinke probably IS better than Bret Saberhagen, we just refuse to admit it because, well... We like old stuff. Or we're stubborn. Or we're stupid. Or, we're all three.

And so sticking with this theme, do you know what I've realized? Matt Damon is absolutely one of the best actors. And I mean ever.

He is. Argue with me all you want. Tell me I'm on drugs. Go on and on about Nicholson, De Niro, Brando, Pacino, Hoffman, Washington, Day-Lewis (sick!), Hackman, Duvall or any old guy like Gregory Peck or Spencer Tracey and I will STILL argue that Damon is one of the best. He is and that's fact.

I know the arguments. Way fewer awards, not a diverse enough resume, not in enough classics. But whatever. Remember when Pedro said last year that he was officially the greatest pitcher of all time because he dominated in the Steroid Era? I feel like Matt Damon is dominating the Steroid Era of Hollywood (massive personalities, huge budgets for films, amazing film schools, the foreign film factor, media hype, constant accolades for anything seen remotely as new) and so like Pedro, he HAS to be called the greatest. Let's get this one ridiculous argument out of the way now.

1951 is considered one of the greatest film years of all time. In that year, A Streetcar Named Desire, An American In Paris, and The African Queen were all released. They are all on AFI's 100 Best Films list. Brando had his legendary turn as Stanley Kowalski. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You want to know how many movies came out in 1951? Fourteen.

14.

1-4.

Yes, fourteen.

Fourteen films came out THAT ENTIRE YEAR!!! FIVE OF WHICH WERE NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE!!!

That means A Streetcar Named Desire was probably called "One of the most amazing films of the year." So were four other films. Out of the fourteen made.

In fact, the 1951 movie math tells us that 36% of all films that year were one of the most amazing films of the year.

And the role of Stanley Kowalski- played by Marlon Brando- was nominated for an Academy Award as well. This was one of his eight total nominations. And just by showing up to play boozing, raping Stanley, Brando had a 5 in 14 chance of being nominated for an Academy Award. You're a batting champion if you go 5 for 14. So let's say he sleep walks through the role. He's probably STILL going to beat out Michael Rennie (who?), the guy who played the main character in The Day The Earth Stood still because, well, because he played a drunk guy who raped a woman and no one knows who the hell Michael rennie is. But that must have been the exception, right? I think you know where this is going so I'll stop perserverating and just give you these nuggets...

1973 (Or, The Year Al Pacino Got Nominated For One Of His Academy Awards For The Godfather): Number of Films Released: 25. Chances He bags A Nomination. 1 in 5.

1980 (Or, The Year Robert De Niro Got Nominated For One Of His Academy Awards For Raging Bull): Number of Films Released: 133. Chances He Bags A Nomination: 1 in 27.

2009 (Or The Year Matt Damon COULD POTENTIALLY Get Nominated For An Academy Award Based On His Awesomeness In The Informant!- Hey, He Put On Weight Just Like De Niro!): Number Of Films Slated For Release: 1037. Chances He Bags A Nomination: 1 in 1037 (Or, 350 Times Less Likely Of A Chance Than Marlon Brando Had In 1951).

So, can we get rid of that argument?!? Awards are nice, but in this era, who gets an award is much more difficult to decide because there are so many more roles (and the competition for those roles is probably far more fierce because actors now are probably better than they ever were). That is why I have no problem making the Academy Awards Best Picture category being expanded to ten. Really, if we are comparing it to 1973 and want to make it fair, we should expand it the category to have 41 films because that would be the equivalent of five in 1973. So stop your complaining about that too.

But back to Matt Damon. I go by what my eyes tell me as a once cool Patriots coach used to say and my eyes (along with the box office) tell me that Matt Damon is the man.

You've heard my rants before and you know actors can get pigeonholed (gangsters, heroes, cops) and somehow, Damon has managed to NOT get pigeonholed. This is likely due to his superior intelligence and ability to determine what is a good script, but it also has to do with his ACTING.

Matt Damon is probably best known by the average filmgoer as Jason Bourne (to us Boston tool bags and wishy-washy 35 year olds, he'll always be Will Hunting) and people love him for that. But he's also played a gay killer in a Speedo (I didn't see John McClain or James Bond do that), a lawyer, a soldier, a card shark, a conjoined twin, a dirty cop, a grieving father who takes advantage of his childs death (Syriana, probably his single best scene ever is in that), and now a fat guy who thinks he's James Bond. Along the way, he has also shown up in countless cameos (seeing him at the end of Finding Forrester even when I know he is coming is still money), TV shows, and cartoons. He's done voices, written the best screenplay of the past twelve years, created the funniest youtube video ever and then cemented his lore by being absolutely awesome on [SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DVR TELEVISION SHOWS!!!] Entourage this past week (was there anything better then him crying and apologizing?!? Who is this guy?!?).

He's done this all without being a tabloid whore and despite being the best actor in Hollywood, he has also remained shockingly low key and never taken himself seriously. Now, I know this stuff shouldn't matter, but in the Steroid Era of Hollywood, it most certainly does matter. Every week, some new actor is labeled "The Next Big Thing," be it Colin Farrell or Christian Bale. Then, through a combination of overexposure and suckiness, they are no longer the big thing.

And all the while, crawling along under the radar has been Matt Damon. While Bale gets lauded for being "moody" and "intense" and while Day-Lewis is seen as a genuis, Damon just keeps doing his thing. In fact, he's almost TOO consistent. Like a never mentioned superstar baseball player who grinds out 3000 hits (Craig Biggio or Robin Yount), Damon just keeps grinding out hit after hit.

At the same time, he's not just some workmanlike actor (or "that guy" as some of you may call... That Guy.). He KILLS everything he is in. I already discussed Syriana, but can you picture ANYONE OTHER than Matt Damon playing Mike McDermott as he did in Rounders?!? Who else would you have dropped in to play Rusty in the Ocean's movies? Hell, who else WOULD HAVE TAKEN those roles as a backseat to Pitt and Clooney. We all liked SOMEBODY ELSE better in The Departed, but once again, he dominated as a douche.

But really, he is awesome because he just doesn't make clunkers. One might say that All The Pretty Horses was a bomb, but that suffered from being a terribly made movie. He read the script based on a hugely popular book and took it. To this day, he still talks about the fact that it was a bad movie, but if that is his worst? I'll take it no doubt because whomever you offer up to argue against Damon has made worse.

Matt Damon is now a solid 17 years into his career as an actor and we really haven't seen a run like this in a long time and maybe forever. He continues to make tremendous movies, but more importantly, he takes diverse roles and always acts the shit out of him. There are certainly actors who will also be seen as better at their "craft" like Penn, Day-Lewis, and Seymour Hoffman. But those guys are at an unfair advantage because they are automatically viewed as Gods, even if they were to take a role in the remake of Jaws 3 in Super 3-D. You've heard my argument on that so I won't belabor it, but instead, I'll ask you this.

Can you see any of those three beating up a CIA assassin with a magazine?!?

I think I know your answer.

Matt Damon. The best actor going.

The Last Real Rock Star

Kanye West is awesome.

And I'm not just saying this to be contrarian. He really is what music (especially MTV music) needs. He's the last great rock star. He's the Ozzy, the Axl, The Kiss, the N.W.A., the Cobain, the Vedder, and the Snoop of this generation.

Reading message boards and comments all over the web today, you would think that Kanye West murdered someone or at the very least, killed a bunch of pit bulls. Everywhere I turn today, the haters have come rushing out and while I think that much of that hate is race driven (a separate post, but people STILL don't like an outspoken black man, especially when he steals the mic from the cute, blond, teenaged, girl-next-door, country crooner), I do understand the anger of some people. Personally, I thought the whole scene was hilarious, but I must admit that I have always loved Kanye. But on other levels, it was also awesome because it was precisely what music and more importantly, MTV, need in 2009.

Before I get to my point, let me explain what happened for the two of you who missed it (and I guarantee that no more than two people in all of America don't know what I am talking about). Kanye West jumped up on stage and ripped the mic from Taylor Swift midway through her acceptance speech and shouted to the crowd that Beyonce should have won the VMA (she should have). A chorus of boos rained on Kanye and we woke up this morning to a full on controversy with the country loving conservatives of the world defending poor Taylor from the evil black man who stole her moment in the sun.

Like President Obama commenting on the Cambridge arrest of Professor Gates, I was watching this live (mostly so I could rip on the VMAs; some dude no one knows hosted it; Britney Spears won an award; Eminem was a presenter. MTV clearly thinks it is 1999 and really, REALLY needs to find a new identity) and I knew we'd have a full on shit storm. And we have. The Kanye haters have pounced.

For whatever reason, people don't like Kanye West. He is an amazing talent that has breathed life into a painfully banal (critically if not so much commercially) genre of music. Kanye's beats and rhymes are amazing and he has been universally acclaimed by critics since he burst on the scene with "Through The Wire" years ago. So it is hard for people to hate Kanye as a professional. But you always get the sense that people don't like him as a person. People mask their hatred for him in all sorts of different ways, but really, I'm quite sure why the don't like him (read: outspoken black man). And this was the moment all those Kanye haters were waiting for because now they can hate him AND feel justified because, you know, he's a jerk and that poor Taylor Swift missed her moment, and Kanye is obnoxious and blah blah blah.

But know this: Kanye has a history of these antics. He is well known for "George Bush doesn't like black people" comment on the Katrina fundraiser, but no one was really offended by that because it was so completely ludicrous. It was just hilarious, mostly because of the look on co-presenter Mike Myers' face. But he has also done this after losing out to a techno band and to Gretchen Wilson (who?!?) at other award shows. He also threatened to superfly TNT the Grammy's one year if he didn't win album of the year (he did and he should have). So really, how was last night a surprise to anyone? And more importantly, what are you all so upset about? For, as they say, this is rock and roll.

And that's why I loved it.

Mainstream music is in a bad way right now (but music, if you look in the right places, is actually the best it's ever been) and record sales and concert sales say so. Nickelback, Daughtry, Rob Thomas and that band that sings nice songs about American soldiers are the "faces" of mainstream rock. And in mainstream music other than cock rock, it is the same old same old who sell records (the years highest selling artist? Michael Jackson). Jay Z, Beyonce, the cast of American Idol, and for some weird reason, country musicians are the only people moving records. There haven't been many relevant new voices in mainstream music in some time (Lil' Wayne has been successful as has T.I.), but really, can you list ten mainstream acts that have been all the rage for a sustained period of time this decade? You can't. Because there are no mainstream pop acts that can get it done.

And that is why Kanye West matters. And that is why what happened last night was awesome because music (and MTV especially) needed this. Desperately.

We needed a new Ozzy biting off bat heads and a new Axl and Slash going on stage with bottles of Jack and swearing (this act invented the seven second delay at awards shows). And while Kanye West certainly looks different than these guys and sings music that is drastically different than these guys, he is really the same. He is an entertainer who has figured out how to entertain. He has figured out how to endure in a time when music acts last as long as a large cheese pizza on the set of The Biggest Loser. He is a performer and an actor and he knows it and anyone with half a brain knows it as well. The only people who don't know it are the ones so blinded by their weird hate of this guy that they can't see him for what he is.

What if Kanye had done this to Shakira?!? Would anyone care?!? What if he went back in time and did it to Ricky Martin or what if he did it to J-Lo or Madonna?!? Would anyone have reacted this way?!? Absolutely not. Like so many parts of our popular culture, music can be divisive and in this case, you have the conservative country lovers on one side and those dirty gangsters on the other side.

And that's what makes Kanye's rant even more hilarious because I think it was completely calculated and no one can see that. As a long time Kanye Superfan, I can honestly say his last album was not good. He tried something different and it didn't work. For the first time in his career, he received some bad reviews and the genius that was Kanye eroded a bit. Because he is so damn smart (and please do not doubt for a second that he is), he KNOWS this. He KNOWS this wasn't his best album and he knows that his place among the pantheon of hip hop legends took a hit because of that. With his friend and fellow rap God Jay-Z about to release an album and Lil' Wayne being the new darling of the critics, Kanye West knew he HAD to do something and do something he did.

I'm not saying what he did was right. It was actually one of his lamer efforts and came off as somewhat predictable. That said, I found it to be a hoot and not because of who he did it too. Just moments before, I told my brother that I actually didn't mind Taylor Swift and I sometimes keep one of her songs on when it comes on the radio (it would have been way more to my liking if Kanye did this to John Mayer or Fall Out Boy). But the backlash has been outstanding. Where was this backlash when he did the same exact thing to two techno dudes from Europe?

And that's what people are missing. Kanye is an entertainer and it happened at the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS FOR CRISSAKES!!!!! This show isn't exactly the bastion of class and sophistication. It is not the floor of the senate or even the Academy Awards. It's the MTV Music awards! The same place where Howard Stern once came down on wires in assless pants and ripped a huge fart. It's where Madonna made out with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. So really, who the hell cares what Kanye West did?!?

And this again makes Kanye a genius. He KNEW where he was doing it and likely thought that few would care. But after he saw the almost immediate backlash on Twitter and Facebook, he apologized to Taylor Swift and reportedly called her mother to apologize (more than a congressman did).

And that's what entertainers do. They shock. They outrage. They provoke. From the Beatles to Oasis to my nemisis Eminem, controversial rockers are the best entertainers. But they can't just shock and enthrall people or they will not last (I'm talking to you Marilyn Manson). But when you are surpremely talented (as Kanye is) AND supremely outrageous (as Kanye is), then you can be an enduring and more importantly RELEVANT act. And Kanye oozes relevance because he is so damn good in addition to being so damn bad.

Disagree with Kanye or not, music needs Kanye West because he is entertaining and he is the true definition of a rock star. Arrogant. Egocentric. Unpredictable. Narcissistic. Entertaining. And wildly, wildly talented.

So Worry Not, All Things Are Well, We'll Be Alright

Eleven years later, my favorite band (unbeknowst to me) made a video that summed up everything I spent eleven years trying to say.

Listen, this has nothing to do with The National. Only it kind of does, because their video for "Apartment Story" is virtually flawless and- while none of you even know it- it is such a spot on example of the first time.

In case you have forgotten or never seen the video, here it is...



And so why is it flawless?!? Because it deals with that moment and space in time when you experienced something for the first time.

You do remember the first time, right?

But guess what? I'm not talking about THAT first time because frankly... I don't give a shit.

People always talk about the first time. They talk about their first kiss, their first car, their first sexual partner, and the first time they got drunk.

But in 2009, that stuff means shit. Sure, you KNOW your first kiss and you also know the first person you had sex with (which you probably regret), but what about the OTHER firsts? The shit that actually shaped who and what you are. Because while everyone TELLS us we should remember our first kiss and our first bang, those things really don't define us. What defines us is who we really are.

Are we really the first person we kissed or fucked?!? No. We aren't. We are so much more.

Really, what is your passion? Is it baseball? Then you should remember your first trip to Fenway. Is it music? Then you should remember your first concert. Is it film? Then you should remember your first movie.

My point here is that we are always FORCED to remember our FIRST. Our first home, our first girlfriend, our first day of school. But really, all that stuff is meaningless if we are not interested in it. What really matters is the first of something that is relevant to us.

Why am I saying this you ask? Well, mostly because of The National video that is above. And if you can't make the connection, well... Then we probably should not be friends.

But when I watch this video, by The National and it just reminds me about firsts.

I knew at four that film was my thing when my father took me (he'd be hung for it now) to see Jaws. And then I remember my second movie, Star Wars (has that had an impression on me?), and sitting in the second row (that is literally the reason I show up to every movie 30 minutes early, even if it is at The Capitol). I still remember the article that made me want to be a writer (Leigh Montville's farewell piece in the Globe) and I still remember as clear as day the first time I saw rubyhorse. I remember Julie taking me to see Return Of The Jedi with a full on sunburn. I remember Christmas Eve at Fran and Alice's as the greatest night of my life (it's also the first place I saw the Thriller video). I remeber the first time I met Brian in Little League. I remember Shaun calling my name at freshman orientation in the midst of 5000 people moving out of a hall in 1992. I remember Molly calling me in a time of need. I remember my cousin Jeff wrestling the inner tube. I remember my cousin Rod's talking about FREEEEEEEEEEZE pops. I remember my cousin Alison having my back when people made fun of me for being in love with Princess Leia (true story... She said, "I mean, c'mon guys, she is really pretty!"). I remember overhearing my father telling his brother Fran what a good writer I was. I remember my sister telling me she didn't hate me at my other sister's rehersal dinner. I remember my brother having my back.... So much more than he should have. And I remember my other sister for... Well, for never saying a bad word about me in her whole life, even though she could have.

I remember Steve and Heidi letting me be their roommate. I remember Scott and Scott and Brian and Brian and Jay and Matt and Eric and Tim and Steve and Steve and Pat and Dave accepting me, fighting for me, sleeping with me (head to toe of course!), cleaning up my vomit, and seeing me cry. And I remember the first time I hugged Marissa in a non friend way.

My point?

There is nothing like that first time. It doesn't have to be the first time that society says has to be the first time. It just has to be that first time that actually means something to you. Maybe it was the first time you saw Rocky or saw Pear Jam live (two things that mean nothing to me), but if it meant something to you, then it is overwhelming. And that's what makes "Apartment Story" so unbelievable, but more importantly, that's what makes life so unbelievable, becuase even if you are 35 (like me), 45, or 55.... Next week, you might just experience something you've never seen before in your whole life.

And that's pretty fuckin' cool.

Seven You Should Have In Your Collection

Once again ladies, you get nothing. But maybe, you can give an idea or two to your fashionally challenged partner/husband/boyfriend/fiance. I did think about also giving women seven items they should own, but it probably would have been really impracticle because I would have suggested pieces (five inch heels, white bikins, skanky dresses) that would have been way impractical. And as we all know, I like to be practical. Before we get to the list though, just take this in, from Friday's All Point's West Festival (Note: You- Well I- can see me... I am a yellow head in the left of the picture... It's my Padres hat... protected me from the rain AND garnered me numerous compliments).



Enough about the most awesomest festival I've ever been to... Here's seven things all guys NEED to have.

7b) One Good Pair Of Jeans: I bet you thought this would be higher on the list, but seeing as where women BARELY care about this, I figured I'd knock it down a few notches. That said, those acid washed 501 blues that played well when you were in high school are all done. I'm not asking ANYONE to drop $289 on a pair of True Religions (frankly- like Kings Of Leon- they may have jumped the shark), but find som ething that at least LOOKS like you are trying. Jeans- like any bit of fashion- are constantly changing. The wash, the cut, the color. They are all constantly changing. And although you don't want to do it, you've got to stay up with the times. Granted, it may cost you something, but think about it... Even if you wear your jeans ONLY on weekends, your talking about a piece of fashion you could conceivably use 104 times (damn they'd smell). You spend a TON more on a suit you wear twice a year, so why not purchase a pair that works for you?!? The here and now says buy somethign slightly more fitted and a bit skinnier through the leg. I'm not telling you to go Dave Mustaine on us, but the wide leg went out with "Who Let The Dogs Out" so nix those please.

7a) A Lightweight, V-Neck Sweater: So I cheated. It's my blog. But if you get this in a solid color, you can wear it with ANYTHING, ANYWHERE. You can rock it over a button down with jeans or over a cool colored t-shirt on a summer night. You can even throw it OVER a button down and UNDER a suit like Tom Brady (I'm coming around!!!) has. It really is an amazing staple. et a color that works for you and don't be afraid to wear it often.

6) The Accessory: Okay... You go to a wedding... Every guy is wearing a dark suit (the suit could be a whole other list by the way) and a white shirt and an outdated tie. There might be one guy in a pink shirt or a lavender shirt, but that's played out. Want to stand out?!? Grab yourself a great accessory like a tie bar or a pocket square. Tie bars are classic greatness, but they don't come cheap. A tie bar may run you a hundred bucks from a fine jeweler, but a pocket square?!? You can get five of those from Jos. A Bank tomorrow and they look really, REALLY great. Don't get the big frilly one or the triangular one like the guys on Sportscenter wear. Get a classic cotton white hanky and fold it into a... SQUARE!!! Don't show too much of it. Pair that with a classy tie bar (they ain't too expensive at J Crew by the way) and you will look DECIDELY different than everyone at the wedding you are going to next week. Trust me. You will. And finally... The scarf. It doesn't have to go with the suit, that's forcing it. But it's more than just something that keep your neck warm. It can look great SANS winter coat. Just embrace it. Buy a couple of different colors (the solid red is a must). Tie it right. And make sure it's not silk.

PS- While you are at it, get a suit and shirt that fucking fits and doesn't make you look like the kid from Big AFTER he morphs from Tom Hanks into his young self. But again, that's a whole OTHER post!!!

5) A Hoodie:Please don't go back into my archives. Let's just say that a great man changes. Sort of Like Anakin Skywalker thought it was a good idea to be wicked evil and then shifted to a man of goodness, I have come WAY around on the hoodie. It can useful and shockingly stylish (if you get one that fits). But get one that represents you. Don't get the Patriots hoodies. That's what unemployed Moms from Manchester, NH wear. Get a classy, plain navy blue or heather gray one. Or better yet, get a maroon one with the letters U-M-A-S-S emblazoned on it. Nothing says class like that.

4) Lace Up Shoes: The day of the slip on black or brown shoe are done. I knew this when I put a pair on with a suit and realized that my suit was money, yet I looked ridiculous. And I looked ridiculous because of my shoes, which were NOT lace ups. So get a pair of dress shoes. With laces. The color of the shoe is unimportant. If you are a guy who wears more brown, grab a brown pair. If you are a monochromatic black guy like me, grab a pair of black, lace up, wing tips. In the fall of 2009, it's really the only way to go. Yes, it will cost you $135, but it looks better than looking like an outdated chooch from Medford.

3) The Lightweight Jacket: Listen, we live in the Northeast. We'll need a Patagonia parka at some point. But not in April and certainly not in September. But we also know that a chill may set in on those nights and as useful as the hoodie may be, you might find yourself in a place where a hoodie just isn't appropriate (i.e. Anywhere but a football game, baseball game, card game, tailgate, festival, or garage cleaning). So, you are going to need something to throw on over your stylish henley or favorite band t-shirt. And that NEEDS to be a light weight jacket. The great thing about these is that they come in all shapes and styles and colors and lengths. And even better, they are often not very expensive. So, push aside your feelings that only gay runway models, Chris Martin, pitchers running the bases, and Sam Malone wear lightweight jackets because you can too! And if you don't believe me, just bring me (or your more stylish female partner) out and we'll find you something that doesn't make you look like Sonny Crockett.

2) Skinny, Tailored, Flat Front, Black Pants:Okay, listen. I already know that half of my male readers are rolling their eyes, but here's a tip: BIG, PLEATED PANTS MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN YOU ARE!!! Think about it. Pleats push OUT!!! Why would we want to wear anything that ACCENTUATES our middle?!? It just doesn't make sense. Pleats were cool in 1989 if they were on a pair of Z. Cavarrichi's (sic). There is nothing good about pleats anymore. Just ask Jessica Simpson. And we've already talked about the kid from Big so for crissakes, GET THEM HEMMED!!!! People are so afraid of looking like Urkel in a pair of high waters, but frankly, I'll take a short pair of pants over a pair of bunched dress pants that make me look like the dressed up version of Tone Loc. Plus, black pants work for a lot of different occassions. For whatever reason, men tend to drift to khakis or even worse, navy blue chinos and I have never understood that. Black looks great with a multitude of colors, won't get as dirty as khakis, and looks great when done monochromatically (did you see my man Bradley Cooper in The Hangover?). The little black dress works for women, so why wouldn't the little black pants work for men?

1) A Pair Of Sneakers To Wear Out That Aren't Air Force Ones, Shox, Air Jordans, Sketchers, Running Sneakers, Or Anything Else Your Dad Or a 15 Year Old Wigger Might Wear: I mean seriously. Cut this shit out. You look ridiculous. You throw on a button down, a decent pair of Lucky Jeans and then you... TOP THEM OFF WITH A PAIR OF SPARKLING WHITE JORDANS?!? ARE YOU EMINEM?!? OR ARE YOU RUNNING A FULL COURT GAME AT YOUR LOCAL GYM?!? Just stop that. Sneakers are comfortable, I get that. But frankly, so are shoes. But if you MUST be comfortable in your sneakers there are myriad choices other than what you see Darko Milicic wearing. For under $50 (and often under $30), you can get yourself a super stylish pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's. They come in a variety of colors and are ALWAYS mentioned in GQ and Esquire (they were just mentioned in an Esquire Ask The Stylist column lat month. True story.). But if you want to REALLY step it up, do a google search of Asics Onitsuka Tigers and you'll find a BEVY of styles that are amazing. Sure, some are gaudy, but you'll find plenty of plain sneakers that will work for you. Puma, Addidas, and even Saucony also make great casual shoes and I even found an awesome pair of Saucony's at Marshall's for under $20. But if they look like running shoes, and act like running shoes, then they probably are... RUNNING SHOES!!! WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T WEAR THEM TO A BAR OR COCKTAIL PARTY!!! Christ, even Jordan didn't wear Jordan's out!!!

Other Stuff You Might Want To Have: A Cardigan (not for your pipe smoking dad anymore); a swimsuit that is a bit shorter (not a Speedo, but the board shorts are over); a henley (if it was cool for John Matrix in Commando, then it is cool for us now!); a black button down; a plaid dress shirt (a gamble, but could by the tie bar of 2010); a great non-Red Sox Hat (old school baseball hats like the White Sox, Expos, Padres, and Brewers kill it).

What You Don't Need At All: A Pair of True Religions (Now become a staple of the Von Douche's); An Ed Hardy T-Shirt (The Douche Bag uniform); A navy blue blazer (isn't all that handy); The skinny tie (great if you are a high school teacher looking to impress 17 year olds, but not all that practical); boat shoes (never caught on); the leather jacket (can look great sometimes; other times, it can look like you're hunting down the Red Baron); a Western (I own several, but when I wear them out now, I look like... Everybody); a hoodless sweatshirt (wait, is it 1987?!?); fleece.

Okay, fine, ONE more song by The National (bad quality, but he came out with the people and got soaked... How money is THAT?!? There's me on the left!!! And do they still rock like The Wiggles, B. Hayes?!?)...

Seven You Should Know How To Make

Especially if you are a man. Well, definitely if you are a man. And as we all know, I am SUCH a man...

As for the ladies? Well, I guess you can judge a man buy these skills. And coming from a man of my stature, this should be gold.

7. Coffee- You could be snowed in on a Sunday. You could be camping with nary a Starbucks in sight. You could have your barista call in sick and have to settle for a Dunks. You could be a husband who wakes up before his wife. You could be a single man sleeping with a woman for the first time and want to make a good impression. Or you could just not like leaving your house.

Whatever type of man you are, you need to know how to make coffee. And it is preferable if you know how to make a GOOD cup of coffee. If you don't know your Sanka from your bold, here are a few tips: Buy a grind and brew, buy the light brown filters, and buy a good pound of whole bean coffee (nothing less than $10 a pound and if you like your coffee extra caffeniated, buy a lighter colored bean). And know the ratio. A scoop of beans for every five ounces of coffee. And keep some cream on hand.

6. Wings- Grill them (whole wings, over medium), slow cook them (buy yourself a crock pot), or deep fry them (use only corn oil and lightly flour them if you can't master the correct crispiness). Make them buffalo style, barbecue, or dry rub them with a nice cajun seasoning. But just know how to make these. You may have to host a fantasy draft or you may get invited to a pot luck that your wife can't make (she would have made the artichoke dip and that seems to wimpy to bring if you're flying solo). Or you may get invited to a pot luck and just have gotten dumped. Whatever the scenario, all men should know how to make an appetizer and as any Chili's menu will tell you, wings are an appetizer. They are also shockingly simple, yet always a big hit.

5. A Dessert- Just as you should know how to cook an appetizer, you should also know how to create a dessert. Look, we can all go to the Whole Foods dessert counter and get something cool, but desserts are meant to be homemade. Many cookie recipes made from scratch are shockingly simple and imagine you showed up at that pot luck with some homemade chocolate chip cookies (put some shaved milk chocolate in along with the Ghiradelli chocolate chips for a delicious taste AND proof you made them from scratch)? Or imagine for your wife/girlfriends birthday, you made a dozen red velvet cupcakes instead of picking up the carvel cake?!? You'd have carte blanch on card games and Schwarzenegger movies on Bravo for a month. You can also impress the hell out of a female co-worker you get in Secret Santa if you give a final gift of your own homemade gingerbread cookies in a Pottery Barn cookie jar (did that sound manly or just real gay?)..

Just learn how to make a dessert, huh? For fuck's sake, make a trifle. It's pudding, whipped cream, angel food cake, and booze. And if you can't impress those female colleagues with a cookie, you may as well get them drunk, right?

4. A Playlist- And I'm not talking a playlist for that girl you like. I'm talking about a playlist for ANY occassion. There will come a time in your life when you will host a party that doesn't involve kegs of Icehouse and a $5 Solo cup. And when you host said party, you might be having a guest list that doesn't include a roomful of dudes wearing backwards white basbeall hats and so those Phish live at MSG and Cypress Hill CDs just won't cut it anymore. So you HAVE to know how to make a playlist. But it's not just the party that matters, it's also who is going to be there and for how long. You're going to have men who purchased only one CD this year and that was Chinese Democracy. You're also going to have the man who is so indie, he listens to bands that don't even exist yet. And then you are going to have that woman who really likes dance music. So the playlist has to pander to EVERY guest.

You also need playlists that cater to moods. If it's late night and everyone is now just smoking up and the neighbors have already come by, then you have to be ready for that. You really have to be ready for anything, but most importantly, you never want someone to leave and say the music sucked. That would be dreadful. In golf, all you need is one good shot to make you return the next week. In playlist land, all you need is one good song to make the party goers want to return next week.

3. A Margarita-There is only one way to make a margarita, so pay very close attention and do not fuck this up. Get a good Silver tequila (Don Julio works well), Cointreau (triple sec? No.), fresh squeezed limes, several ice cubes, salt, and a heavy base whiskey glass (those stupid maragarita glasses you got as a gift? Throw them in the trash.). Rim the glass with salt. Fill the glass with ice. Add equal parts tequila and lime juice. Put in a splash of Cointreau. Throw in a lime wedge. Stir twice and serve. And if you even THINK about pouring a drop of that tequila into a blender filled with frozen bananas, then you are no man. You are a bartender at the Border Cafe in Saugus.

2. Pancakes- Never was there a manlier food to make. Sure, they are practically a pastry, but think about the best pancake you ever ate. It was made by a man, wasn't it? Besides, you'll one day be a dad and you'll win World's Best Dad if you master the pancake (especially if you have a daughter because while some tool bag Von Douche of a man may replace you someday, they will never to be able to replace YOUR pancakes).

Hint: Use buttermilk instead of regular milk, grease the pan with a butter soaked paper towel, toss the first batch, add some chocolate chips and spoon some powdered sugar on the stack just before you serve it. Your daughter's husband is fucked.

1. A Cheeseburger- Every piece of literature I read says that a man MUST know how to make a good steak. But every man already knows that. What not every man knows how to make is a good burger. They overcook them, they make them too small, and they don't get the right bun. There are not five episodes/issues of The Phantom Gourmet, Boston Magazine, The Boston Globe Magazine, or The Improper Bostonian that go by that do not have a "Best Burger In Boston" list. We'll drive 45 minutes out of the way to get a good burger, yet none of us know how to make them even though they are preposterously easy to make. Put together your own patties out of 85%-90% lean meat; season them with salt and pepper, grill over medium. Flip them three minutes earlier than you think you should flip them (just FLIP them for crissakes!!! NOW!!! It's not chicken!!!! You're not getting salmonella if there a bit pink!!!). Throw on the Hoffman sharp cheddar cheese a minute after flipping them. Butter up and grill a not overly huge sesame seed bun. Have some tomatoes, lettuce, and grilled onions on hand, plate and serve.

With the margarita and after the wings would be ideal.

If you know how to make these seven things and make them well, then you are officially a man.

This from a man who is currently styling himself after a character he just saw in a movie, so you know he is truly a manly man.

Seven You Should See

So recently, a few things have happened regarding my blog career...

1. I am fully aware it is going nowhere, but that's cool because I still like it and have other potential avenues to explore.

2. As I said, I like it, but I think might need a more specified niche to make it go somewhere.

3. I have two ideas for a very specific blog, one is about candy bars (which seems painfully lame, but keep in mind, three Jewish Brothers with no knowledge of the food industry have a show that everyone I know references) and the other is called Seven You Should See.

Seven You Should See will be debuted right now.

Really, Seven You Should See will eventually run out, but it could turn into Seven You Should...

And then it could morph into antyhing.

Seven Beers You Should Drink, Seven Songs From 1996 You Should Download, Seven Pieces A Male Should Have In His Wardrobe.

But for now, Seven You Should... Will be Seven You Should See. Mostly because I like movies and mostly because I think I know more about movies than you. It also works because I am painfully comfortable writing about movies. But really, it works because I think you actually might take something from it. And without sounding all Jake From The Bachelorette on you, I might have something to offer you with this. So, here is my first Seven You Should See. And the inagural Seven You Should See category is romantic comedy because recently I saw He's just not that into you (sic) and it wasn't near as bad as people said, yet it wasn't near as good as a picture as some of the (I-Have-A-Secret-Crush-On) romantic comedies I have seen in the past. So, without further ado, here is Seven Romantic Comedies You Should See.

But before I get into this, I obviously need to qualify... Because it wouldn't be a Big G post if it weren't five thousand words, no?

And to qualify, I must ask (without really caring what you think) what is a romantic comedy? Because, the term, according to Netflix, Boxofficemojo, and iMDB can be pretty ambiguous.

Well, to me, a romantic comedy is a ROMANTIC COMEDY. And since the first word is ROMANTIC, then it has to be a romance first. It can't be a straight up comedy that happens to have a love story like There's Something About Mary, Knocked Up, So I Married An Axe Murderer, or Clueless (which for me would fall in my NEXT category: High school movies). It also can't be an 80s flick like Pretty In Pink (called a rom-com) or Can't Buy Me Love. Again, that's a different category.

So, with my rules in mind (since it is my blog) here are my Seven Rom-Coms To See. I only hope you have the energy to rebut my choice of genre or film. I mean, give me something people!!!

7. She's The One- Is it a rom-com? I say yes, simply because of John Mahoney and if you're old like me, you'll remember that this is what made rom-com, rom-coms (if that makes sense). No easy answers, an against the grain ending, a bunch of laughs, hot girls (Cameron Diaz at her finest), some unlikeable couples, and some likeable couples. Call this the He's just not that into you (sic) blueprint. Good work Eddie Burns...

6. Bull Durham- Not a rom-com you say?!? A sports movie?!? I say bullshit. It has always fascinated me how this is classified as a "sports" film. Short of happening to have baseball as the Macguffin, this is a complete rom-com. Sports guys can get away with saying they like it because it is minor league baseball. Really, they like it because the old, washed up has been (who just happens to be a pretty damn good looking Kevin Costner) steals the girl from the young, cool stud. Any way you cut it, it's a great film that you must see, sports aside, because it's a shockingly good love story that weathers time very well.

5. 13 Going On 30- The very definition of a rom-com. It's also a Big rip off, but ripping off an American classic is not exactly a bad idea. Mark Ruffalo crushes it (the best American actor you've never heard of) and Jennifer Gardner makes you forget that she is Ben Affleck's wife. This is a movie you can watch with your girlfriend/wife as a "favor" and you'll end up loving. It has some lines that are so creative and so well written, including a classic by Ruffalo in which he somehow manages to equate his love for a girl and his love for Razzles in the same sentence without either the girl or the audience knowing.

4. Hitch- If you've read my blog or had a conversation with me over the past four years, you know my odd love for this movie. This IS what rom-coms should be. Funny, believable, heartfelt, and happy. Yeah, none of us look like Eva Mendes, Amber Valetta or Will Smith. And Kevin James would never get that girl, but somehow it all makes sense. And the Eva Mendes/Will Smith conversation in the bar over martinis is one I so wish I wrote. And I don't say that often.

3. Love Actually- Feeling like you hate your love life and you want to settle in with Ben, Jerry, a 12 Pack of Pabst and a flick? Then get this. Like Hitch, the perfect rom-com, only better. There's something for everyone here and while the Laura Linney brother story hurts it, the perfect acting brings it to a near four star level. Hugh Grant is at his absolute best and he literally makes me crack up three times (what the hell was that sound he made when his aide called his love interest fat?!?). Then there is Bill Nighy... Comedic genius... But the payoff is when Mark (Andrew Lincoln) shows up at Juliet's (Kiera Knightley) door. There's the rom to Bill Nighy's com. And there's a virtually perfect picture...

2. The American President- For years, I have been telling people to see this film. People may call it strictly a rom and not a com, but if they do, then they haven't seen Michael J. Fox light up this film. How it did not get the credit it deserved, I'll never know, but what I do know is that it is Michael Douglas at his finest. To refresh your memory, Mr. Douglas's three movies prior to this were pictures where he played a sex fiend (Basic Instinct), a gun toting lunatic (Falling Down), and a dude who got a blowjob from a hottie while he was married (no, not Fatal Attraction, but Disclosure), so I think that ultimately hurt the movie. But to say that at the time, he was pigeonholed would be an understatement. But after those three roles, he took the part as widower president Andrew Shepherd and he absolutely crushed it. He is literally the most likeable Michael Douglas has ever been- and that includes his Romancing The Stone Days. I watch this movie every time it is on TV and it is what rom-coms should be. The film has the best presidential press conference I've ever seen ("You want a character debate Bob? You better stick with me because Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of you league") and also not to be missed are Mr. Douglas's scenes with Martin Sheen playing pool ("No, but I could always pass her a note before study hall"). Awesome.

1. High Fidelity- If you haven't read this blog before, allow me to introduce myself... My name is Big G. I am Rob Gordon. And if you have read this blog and still haven't seen this movie, why shame on you. And if you have read this blog and HAVE seen this movie, what else did you expect?!? Just watch it again, okay?

Honorable Mention: About A Boy (Couldn't do two Nick Hornby, could I?), The Sweetest Thing (man Cameron can fill out a dress), Benny and Joon, and Just Like Heaven.

You Must Absolutely Miss Because They Are Beyond Bad: Singles, Six Days Seven Nights (that hurt Indiana/Han Solo), Bird On A Wire, Reality Bites, and The Last Kiss (neither a romance, nor a comedy... Just one of the stupidest films I've ever seen).