The 12 Best Teams Ever (You Know Where This Is Going)

Sorry about the delay between posts... I've been busy explaining to my conservative friends that it was the Saudis, not the Pakistanis who paid Barack Obama's college tuition...

Well, the Red Sox season ended with a whimper on Sunday night and while I refused to watch the Rays post game celebration because of my irritation, I was quickly over the loss. And thanks to a fantastic episode from Vinny Chase and the Boys, I was laughing mere minutes later.

Why didn't I take this loss that badly? Well, for starters, they just won two World Series titles, so the loss wasn't near as heart wrenching. But more importantly, I just didn't like this team that much. Obviously, trading Manny didn't help, but I wasn't feeling the team even before then. As many of you know, I root for INDIVIDUAL athletes and not teams so much. So even though this team was a group of gritty guys who played well together, they didn't do much for me. I like Lester, Paps (strangely), JD (because I like to be a non-conformist), Dice-K, and Coco (I wonder why). But the new young guys (Lowrie, Ellsbury, Masterson, Pedroia, YOOOOOOOOOK!) don't do much for me, mostly because they are too white or too religious or just too overrated. And then this team had Tek, Timlin, Wake, Ortiz, and Mr. 38 Pitches. These guys all fall on the likeability scale somewhere between Sean Hannity and Zach Braff. So needless to say, they are not my favorites and already, I am thinking about the Celtics and hoping that Peavy and Teixeira come aboard (and maybe we can bring in Jimmy Rollins or Carl Crawford to increase the coolness factor around here) Team Theo.

And you know what else all this indifference has got me thinking about? Why, my favorite all time teams of course.

As Bill Simmons recently wrote, being a sports fan seems to wane as you age. You discover other interests or maybe actually have REAL concerns like a family, home, or job. But there will always be those teams you loved. Sometimes, it's about time and place. I look back and think that I was SUPPOSED to be at the height of my sports fandom in my pre-teen and teen years, but I have weirdly liked teams in my adulthood. Probably more than I should have, given that it IS only sports. But I like eight things and so when I do like something, I like it a lot. That, or I have no more Star Wars films to look forward to, so other than indie rock bands and Brad Pitt films, I have nothing left to like in my Grinch like world except for sports teams.

So, without further ado, here are the best 12 teams of all time.

12. 1989-90 Boston Bruins: Damn you Glen Wesley! I haven't watched more than thirteen hours of NHL hockey since then and I'm not sure if the Minnesota Northstars are still in the league or not, but damn did I like this team. Watching these Bruins gave me and my high school friends something to do other than watch me call Ginger and ask her to the Junior Prom. But they were also really likable. Unfotunately, they ran into an Edmonton Oiler team that was the antithesis of the Bruins and played a lot like the Italian National Soccer team. The series went bad right away when Fire Box Glen Wesley missed a wide open net in double(?) OT of game 1. The Bruins could never bounce back. Strangely though, mentioning that goal gave me some of the most credibility ever one night. I was hanging out with a bunch of manly men whom I had only just met and they were clearly sizing up my ambiguously gay outfit and plotting ways to shove me in a trash barrel all while they discussed hockey. I dropped my disdain for Mr. Wesley and his poor backhander during a lull in the conversation and I was instantly accepted into the group. I quickly got up and left Constanza style and was remembered fondly forever (I hope) by these pick up truck driving, Bud guzzling, MEN. So fuck you Fire Box. But Thanks too.

11. 1989 San Francisco 49ers: Yes, there was a time I liked football. There was also a time I liked white dudes. And can you get any whiter than Joe Montana? I really liked this skinny white guy who threw only ducks. Thankfully, he had Jerry Rice to catch said birds. This is definitely what is missing in football today... Awesome offensive teams that can run AND pass (these teams may exist now, but I don't know who they are). And with the stupid Patriots going 18-1 last year, Montana remains the sole QB with a perfect super bowl record of 4-0.

10. 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls: These were some lean times in Boston. The Belichick era hadn't begun. The Duke will still signing horrible players in the hopes that they replaced Mo Vaughn's OBP. The Bruins were... The Bruins. Even my Minutemen were down. And so I needed somebody to love. Like a rebound chcik, I needed a rebound team after some great years in the mid 90s. And these Bulls were the perfect team to latch onto and use for a bit. It wasn't their best season ever, but man did I love MJ at that point. As I said at the outset, I loved individual players. And was there a better individual player ever than MJ? No. I only wish this team moved 1500 miles east and was called the 1997-1998 Boston Celtics.

9. Team Pete Sampras: Yeah, I know he's not a team. But I love individuals. And I know he is the anti-Gerard: Nice, low key, says all the right things. But I love him. And as Wall pointed out once, it is kind of the reason I root against Federer (who I love) as I don't want Sampras' records broken. And watching that U.S. Open Final run in '02 was incredible. I just kept waiting for him to lose and he never did. Plus, there was that U.S. Open in 1996 when he vomited off to the side of the court and then beat Alex Corretja, down two sets to one (I was watching this at the Greenhouse in Billerica). I vomit and have to lay down for four days. This guy beats someone in tennis 90 minutes after tossing.

8. My Sega NHL '95 Team: 10 Hitching Post realized that in this new version of NHL, you could make teams. So we created a draft, complete with a draft board and everything. My team was led by Roenick and I battled Hayes' Bure for thescoring title all year. It was pathetic. I would be on a breakaway with Fleury and wait to dish to Roenick, just to get him goals. It was like that game where the Spurs just fed The Admiral so they could get him the scoring title. Only I did that every game. Anyways, there was some controversy between the pipes (CuJo had the better ranking, but an up and coming Martin Brodeur was better) for team Gerard, but I rode Brodeur to a Stanley Cup victory as Hayes was stunned in the semifinals. Sometimes when I can't sleep, it's because I'm thinking of ways to feed Roenick a one timer, sort of like some of you see the Tetris shapes after you've been playing too long.

7. The 1996 New England Patriots: Yes, Parcells was the man as was that girl Terry Glenn, but it was the presence of one guy that made me love this team. In a apro pos sense of karma, it was the lack of that very same guy that made me hate all things NFL.

Let me pause for a brief explanation of omissions...

I didn't like the NBA in 1986, thus I know nothing about the Celtics. Other than the stories I've been told, I have not one iota of firsthand knowledge as to why they were good... 2006 Minutmen (football), 2007 Minutemen (hockey), 2007 Minutemen (soccer). All could have been number two on the list, but eh... Never mind... In a bit of foreshadowing, let's just say it's like putting two songs by the same band back to back on a mix tape... 1986 Sox. Loved baseball more than anything, but at that time, I liked the Royals better and their 1985 team was much harder to cut from the list than these '86 Sox. Seriously...

6. The 1999 Red Sox: In case you have forgotten how much you loved this team, please remember these words (and digits): Cleveland. 1999. Game 5. Pedro. Out of the bullpen. I may have actually liked this team more than the one that shows up later as I was a bigger Sox fan then and they hadn't been tainted by The Pink Hats and people who say, "The Sox are losing four to seven," but for reasons that need no explanation, this is my second favorite Sox team. Still can't get those feelings straight for this team? Then remember these additional words (and digits) please: Bullpen door opens. Pedro walks out. Can't throw 90. Six. No. Hit. Innings.

5. Team Tiger: Have you watched golf since the U.S. Open? Didn't think so.

4. 2008 U.S. Olympic Mens Basketball Team: I think you've read a post or two about these guys. I'm 34, poor, my beard is going gray, and for fun, I write this fucking thing. I get excited for gingerbread lattes and new T Mobile commercials. And I haven't enjoyed something as much as I enjoyed that team since I discovered four dollars in my sweatshirt pocket when I was broke and all I wanted was a DP Dough that cost... Four dollars. Plus, people hated on this team. I still would love to know what the ratings were for that final game at 2:30 Sunday morning. They probably didn't register. But I was on the couch, Pabst in hand, supporting my boys.

3. 2007-2008 Boston Celtics: It took me awhile to get on board with the Cees, but I did during the Antoine Walker era. And the Travis Ford era. And the Ricky Davis era. And the Gerald Green era. Let's say the payoff was worth it. There roster of completely awesome dudes sans a single European stiff makes them all the more awesome. And here we are, seven days before the team raises Banner #17 and I still feel like people don't like this team as much as they should. Which is fine... All the more for me. Oh and by the way, they stayed European free.

2. The 2004 Boston Red Sox: I can't believe the ups and downs this team caused me. I felt like Diane Lane on the train in Unfaithful on a nightly basis. I laughed, I cried, I ripped a shirt (seriously), I vowed never to watch them again, then I was Super Fan Number 99. Look back on this team in 25 years and they will be remebered like the 1980 U.S. Olympic Team. The Sox will trot out Bill Mueller for the 25th anniversary and Dave Roberts will have section of the New Fenway named for him. I bet the even resurrect Nelson, that midget friend of Pedro's. It was the perfect team for the perfect championship; a mix of gritty workers for the Massholes, movie stars for the Pink Hats, goons for the goons, and prima donnas for the Gerard's. Varitek shoved his glove in Stray Rod's face, my boy Theo sent Nomar packing, Ortiz walked off to beat the Angels, the Sox got crushed, Millar walked, Roberts stole second, Mueller beat Mo again, Ortiz walked off a few more times, there was a bloody sock, D-Lowe redeemed himself, Mientkiewicz put the ball in his pocket, and Manny won World Series MVP. Then Pedro got hit in the head by a ball at the parade. Perfect.

1. The 1995-1996 University of Massachusetts Minutemen: I recently read that there are only 240,000 UMass grads in the world. That means this team is shared by less than .001% of the population. I don't have to share this team with all of Red Sox Nation in New Hampshire or all of the Joe the Plumbers who rooted for the 1996 Patriots. They are all mine. Well, me and 239,999 other UMass fuckheads. But they were still MINE and I loved them. I loved the Calipari U, I loved the missing link Inus Norville, and I loved seeing them on TV every game they played. I loved that they beat Kentucky and Georgetown and Temple thrice. I loved that we used to see Marcus uptown. I loved that he accepted jewelry and that the NCAA claims there was only three teams in the Final Four this year. I loved that on the same day of our massive Final Four party, Shaun-O and I drafted a league winning fantasy baseball team (and drove to the draft with the T-Tops off on his IROC). I loved that Calhoun and his pussy Huskies were too afraid to play we Minutmen. I loved that my stupid college was a national story for awhile and it made me forget my BC Inferiority Complex. But I mostly loved (still love) all the memories that team brought me. And although there are a thousand other things that have become or will become more important to me than sports, for a few months of my senior year in college, sports were everything. I'll never love a team like this, but I'll always try not to hate on people who love a team so passionately because maybe, just maybe (but I doubt it), said fan loves their team as much as I loved mine.