Get The Hell Off The Road!

I really hate bikers.

Not all bikers mind you. People who go ride around in the woods are okay (although I would never do this) and X Gamey guys are pretty cool as are bike messengers. Guys who ride competitively are fine too. But biking as a mode of transportation when you are an adult? I mean, have you seen any high school movies? There is nothing good about a bike. Remember when you turned 16? You were so happy to take that banana seated Schwinn and bring it to your aunt's yard sale because unless your name was Greg LeMond, you were NEVER getting back on that wretched thing again.

But then something really weird happened over the past fifteen to twenty years. People (white ones mostly) decided that is is some how cool and hip to use a mode of transportation that my friends and I used to use when we were ten and went to the Town Grocery. And I've HAD it with these goobers. These tools who ride around the city on their retro/wanna be cool Mary Poppins bike make me want to run them over every time I see them.

I mean give me a fucking break. Talk about stuff white people like.

Why the anger? Well, today, as I was going to grab me a Super Chicken from Anna's, I opened my car door and nearly took out a biker. This is approximately the 2139th time I've done this.

I know that I should be on the lookout for these people, but you know what? I'm sick of being on the lookout for them? Why? Because WHO THE FUCK RIDES A BIKE?!?

I mean, everything about a bike is lame. Whether it be the older brother fromm The Goonies getting tooled on because he didn't have a car or that friend you have who has to ride around on a bike because of his DWIs, there is nothing cool about a bike.

But these (white) people who fly around on bikes haven't realized this yet. Or they have, and they are trying to embrace the ironic/geek/cool/hipster vibe because they think that bikes are what ironic/geek/cool/hipsters are into. But whatever the reason, bikers bother me.

In addition to the near deaths I cause opening my car door dangerously close to bikers (and by the way, since THEY'RE the bikers and have all this experience nearly getting clipped by opened car doors, shouldn't THEY be the ones aware of this and not me?), I hate bikers for a multitude of reasons. Here's a few:

They Feel They Get ALL The Rights On The Road- I have no idea what the law says, but like hitting a pedestrian, I'm sure the driver is at fault when they hit a biker. But have you noticed how bikers carry themselves on the road? They absolutely DO NOT follow traffic rules. They yield to no one and they feel that it is up to the driver to avoid them. You can't have it both ways bikers! That's why no one was happier than me to see bikers getting ticketed in Cambridge as highlighted by a Globe story last week.

The Stupid Bikes And Accessories- Like all they other lame ass shit that stuffwhitepeoplelike, bike accessories are awful. I hate that so many bikers get stupid retro bikes. I obviously understand retro, but sometimes, retro drives me fucking crazy, especially when it comes to technology. And these loser ass bikers who tote around these bikes need to know that technology has come to bikes. Old bikes are old bikes for a reason. Because they suck. They were heavy, and had only one speed and the brakes were horrific. So, in this day and age, why would I use something that requires way more effort, is far more unsafe, and is just awful compared to it's more contemporary siblings? Should I toss my wide screen plasma and bring in an old black and white TV with the click channel knobs? Should I bring a discman with me to the gym just because it's "retro" and cool? I'll also bring my CD case and change the discs mid run. I'm sure all the girls at the gym will think I'm cool when I'm doing this.

And the bike accessories. Jesus fucking christ. The giant backpacks? Are you hiking up Everest? A little wicker basket and a bell? Puh-Leez. If you had that on your bike when you were eight, you would have had rocks thrown at you. But now that these bike geeks are older and go to Tufts, they think these accessories are cute and ironic. Well they aren't.

"I Ride My Bike To Work-" Like people who don't own a TV, people who ride their bike to work only ride their bike to work to tell other people that they ride their bike to work. You know why I don't ride my bike to work? Because Henry Ford invented something called the automobile which gets you where you want to go in a much more efficient, safer, and comfortable manner than a bike. And I got something else for you bikers. I don't believe you for one second when you say that it's cheaper/more green/better excercise to ride your bike to work. Either get a T Pass, buy a Prius, or go for a run after you DRIVE home from work every night. You ride your bike to work so you can tell me you do, end of conversation.

You Look Ridiculous Riding Your Bike To Work In Your Suit With Your One Pant Leg Rolled Up- I run. I fucking hate it. The only thing that would make it worse is if I ran in dress shoes and a suit. Now, I am well aware that people wear sneakers and then change and blah blah blah, but if someone from another planet landed here and saw you walking around with a helmet, suit, sneakers, and one pant leg rolled up, they'd think you were Rain Man. Plus, not everyone does this. The poseur I saw in front of me the other night had a skirt and a pair of clogs on. Not only is this unsafe, but you look ridiculous honey. I mean, we live in the richest, most developed country in the world and take a trip through Harvard Square at rush hour and you'd think we were at an intersection in the mountains of Afghanistan. What's the next step for these tossers, the rickshaw?

The Safety Precautions- Listen, I know bikes get stolen (however, if there were no bikers, then there would be no bikes and ergo, there would be no black market for bikes! Check that out! Pretty intuitive stuff, eh?), but are these goons toting around a wheel and a seat REALLY worried that Ace Merrill and Eyeball Chambers might come and steal their bikes? I mean, in what other culture is carrying around a bike wheel accepted other than in the stuffwhitepoplelike culture? I dare you to go back to high school and walk around with a tire in your hand. Tell me what the inside of a locker feels like when you're done.

There are so many other reasons why bikers annoy the shit out of me (the ridiculous helmets, the impracticality, the fact that it's the worst workout), but mostly, it's just the whole stupidity of it. I have no problem with people not taking a car to work or not owning one (in fact, it's my dream!), but just walk. Or get a T Pass. It just makes absolutely no sense to commute to work on a bike. And it's not like these people's sole modes of transportation are bikes, because what do they do when it rains or snows?

I just wish these people would stop it. I WANT to understand why people take bikes to work and I'm sure that there is a small percentage of the biking population that genuinely likes the bike, but for the majority, I ain't buying what you're selling.

So stop using this obsolete form of transportation most favored by fourth graders. And for crissakes, get the hell out of my way when I'm driving.