One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Bullet To The Head

Because I am too lazy/forgetful to move a CD from my house and into my car, I have been spending a great deal of time listening to the radio while driving.

People dump on the radio a good deal and that is understandable. There are so many commercials and the same songs tend to get played over and over. And I think that morning shows have stopped playing music. I'm not sure who exactly has decided this is a good idea, but the morning show format seems to have officially punted music.

So with all of this time spent listening to radio, I have come to realize that listening to the radio in the car is like being a fledgling celebrity on the dating scene. You are always looking for something better.

Now, of course there are songs that I will ALWAYS keep on the radio. Any of my indie stuff white people like bands will stay. As will Alt Rock staples like "Alive", "Everlong", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Spoonman", and "What's The Story Morning Glory". My 80s alternative music like The Cure, Depeche Mode, Midnight Oil, and U2 stays. Cheesey stuff from the 90s remains on too, like Sponge, Better Than Ezra, The Goo Goo Dolls, and Everclear.

Then there is the stuff that will ALWAYS go like The Doors, Pink Floyd (I ask again: Name a band they influenced), Lynard Skynard, The Who, and The Eagles.

But what are the songs that you will change the INSTANT you hear them? What songs- not of those bands that you universally hate- will you switch because you just can't stand them?

So naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to compile a list of songs that I revile. A list of songs that I will turn immediately. But I did have some rules.

They cannot be genres that I would never listen to, like country. Obviously, that is getting switched. And I tried to stay away from entire BANDS that I would switch off like Sublime (honestly people, I just don't know what it is to like about this band. Why are they on the radio so much? Why are people shocked when I hate them? I mean, they randomly sing in Spanish? Why am I treated like an idiot when I say I loathe this band? What is to like? The same songs we've heard 51,000 times or their "new stuff," which doesn't exist because the lead singer is DEAD?!?), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, or Nickelback. And since I'm not even putting on a classic rock channel, I won't waste anytime listing classic rock songs, because I'm changing them all (note: some classic rock bands are so terribly bad that I had to include them on the list, like #s 2 and 15). Anyways, here's twenty-three (in honor of Beckham) must switches:

23. "Whole Lotta Love"- Led Zeppelin: Whoops, guess I lied two sentences ago. This song is so bad that it has to be on the list. I actually just heard it and there is a three minute interlude in the middle of the song where either whales are talking or someone is playing guitar. It is unlistenable and I don't understand who can like this song. If this song were made today, no way does it get a record contract, let alone airplay. Yes, music has changed. For the better people, for the better.

22. "Roxeanne"- The Police: These guys wrote "So Lonely", "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", and "Don't Stand So Close To Me". Yet there most well known song is probably this piece of shit. I hit the preset channel button to change this song as soon as I hear, "Ro....."

21. "Sober"- Tool: I'm just not angry enough for this song anymore. And even when I was, I still didn't like it that much. I always tried to MAKE myself like it to give myself some musical credibility, but I just couldn't listen to it. Speaking of making myself like bands, I tried making myself like...

20. "She Talks To Angels"- The Black Crowes: ...But I guess I'll never get this band. I tell people I don't like The Black Crowes and they look at me like I have ten heads. Apparently, if you know anything about music you HAVE to like The Balck Crowes. I don't and I especially hate this song. And "Hard To Handle" is 20 and a half on the list.

19. "Ziggy Stardust"- David Bowie: I'm supposed to like this guy because he's like the grandfather of alt rock, but boy do I hate this song. Plus, it has the word Ziggy in it and that just makes me think of that really stupid comic strip which was never very funny.

18. "Black Velvet"- Alannah Myles: I like the drink, but not this song. In fact, why do I still hear it on the radio? Are surveys and test audiences responding well to this song? Because do any of you know anyone who really, REALLY wants to hear her shreik this awful tune?

17. "The Joker"- Steve Miller: Two (completely, utterly ridiculous, pathetically, comical, horrifically awful) words- WAH-WAW! Or whatever the hell he says.

16. "Losing My Religion"- REM: I mean, these are my boys! True indie rockers that paved the way for half the stuff I love today. But I hear, "That's me in the corner... That's me in the... Spot... Light..." And I am Losing My MIND! The horrific video where Michael Stipe danced like he was Nic Cage having alcohol withdrawal convulsions in Leaving Las Vegas certainly hasn't helped matters either.

15. "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me/Piano Man/Uptown Girl/Big Shot"- Billy Joel: I mean yeah, sure, I hate this guy. But I'll keep "River of Dreams" and "We Didn't Start The Fire" (Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio) on the radio, but these four? Please. And how the hell does he sell out The TD Banknorth Garden? Are people really that hard up for a good time? Do they know that little music? God, What a tool.

14. "Holiday In Cambodia"- Dead Kennedy's: Yes they are on FNX. Yes they are on my iPod. Yes I should like them to give myself punk/alt credibility. But what is up with that Pol Pot chanting in the middle of the song? No stories of seeing them at CBGB and no puff pieces in Spin, Rolling Stone, and Pitchfork can make me like that vexing chant.

13. "Bad To The Bone"- George Thorogood: My only hope here is that this song is now officially a parody or joke of some kind. It can only show up in clip/montage scenes of Beauty and the Geek when a geek does something tough, right? I mean it can't possibly be used for anyones entertainment, no? Or taken seriously in any way, shape, or form? I did see that Georgie is playing the Bank of America Pavillion on August 17th. Does anyone want to come with me to check out the people at this show? Do I share DNA with them? Or do I have more in common with a Puma? How many tickets could possibly be sold for this show? Nine? Twenty-six? Because if it's thousands, then the US Government should just napalm the Pavillion that night in order to punish those ticket buyers for their stupidity.

12. "The Walk of Life"- Dire Straits: I hear that keyboard riff in my nightmares.

11. "Run Around"- Blues Traveler: I could have come up with any number of tunes by these guys, yet at the same time, I don't unequivocally hate them because I still like "Optimistic Thought". But this song just makes me think of dirty, Birkenstock wearing, freaks from UMass (I have no problem with earthy crunchy people now folks. It's just I hate so much anger then. Plus, I was a Masshole.) bee-bopping along to that fat guy wailing on his harmonica. As I have aged into the mature middle aged man I currently am, my rage for these people has waned. I hate this song less now, but I still have to put it there for nostalgia reasons. Plus, those same freaks probably all have more put together lives than I do, so in the end, I still kinda hate those hemp necklace wearing freaks.

10. "Sledgehammer"- Peter Gabriel: I love you Peter, I really do. I mostly love you because Lloyd Dobbler loved you so much (didn't his arms get tired though?), but I do keep "Solsbury Hill" on the radio and I love that song with Kate Bush. Plus, you are British and were once part of Genesis (who shockingly doesn't show up on this list). But c'mon man? Sledgehammer? An by the way Pete, "Big Time" and "Shock The Monkey" don't get a listen when they turn up either.

9. "Lightning Crashes"- Live: Could be any Live song on here, but this one holds a special place in my hating heart. I probably did like it at one time, but now, it bothers me so much. Can't wait to hear this played over the car crash/death of a loved one scene in an upcoming One Tree Hill episode.

8. "Superstitious"- Stevie Wonder: This hurts Stevie. I love you and I particularly love when I hear the line, "I believe when I fall in love with you, it will be forever," but you're right Stevie. The writing is on the wall. And it says this one stinks.

7. "Jane Says"- Jane's Addiction: Gerard says... This song is the worst...Why is Perry Farrell such a loser? Why does Dave Navarro get all those hot girls? Why would anyone put a Janes Addiction CD in their CD player when they can put any number of newer and better acts in the same player? Why are they on the radio so much?

6. "Aqualung"- Jethro Tull: Quick! Go to iTunes. Download this song. Listen to it... Closely... Get your ear right close to the speakers... Dissect the lyrics... Take in the prog rockiness of it... Feel the flute... Now try defending it.

5. "Girls"- Beastie Boys: Along with Janes Addiction and The Red Hot Chili Peppers, these old, white, Jewish, outdated, completely irrelevant dudes are the most overplayed band on the radio. They are EVERYWHERE and it doesn't get worse than this song. I understand that at one point in time, they were influential and groundbreaking, but so was the movie Metropolis. And because we have progressed as a society, that movie is unwatchable, just as the Beastie Boys are unlistenable.

4. "Cheeseburger In Paradise"- Jimmy Buffet: If everyone present at a Jimmy Buffet concert were to simultaneously spontaneously combust, would the world be a better place or a worse place?

3. "Barracuda"- Heart: When someone asks me why I don't like a specific song, I usually try to explain it. Often times however, I have a difficult time explaining it because I'm just not musically savvy enough to perfectly explain my dislike of a song. So when I have exhausted all arguments as to why a particular song sucks, I say this: When the instruments, coupled with the singers voice, come out of the speakers and hit my auditory organs, I have a fond displeasure of the sounds created. And that's the way I feel about "Barracuda". Don't hate Heart. Love that "Magic Man" shows up in Swingers. But boy do I hate "Barracuda".

2. Anything That I Am Unfortunate Enough To Hear For Even A Millisecond From This Horrific Band- Rush: If I were a Music Superhero (Captain Good Tune maybe?) and my job were to fly around the world insuring that people have the opportunity to hear and be introduced to good NEW (read that again: NEW!!!) music, Rush would be my archenemy. My nemesis. They would be my Joker, my Green Goblin, my Two Face, my Lex Luther, my Dr. Evil, my Darth Vader. They are simply the worst and I am exhausted by the people who call them "great musicians." Someone tell me why Neil Pert is the best drummer? What does he do differently than Dave Grohl? Is he really THAT much better than Bryce Dessner, my boy from The National? Is what he creates really better than The Killers drummer wailing on the Joy Division cover of Shadowplay? What is it that Neil does that has people creaming in their pants? And who actually "knows" he's the best? I love when people say, "my brother plays the drums and he says Neil Pert is the best ever." Well, I write- at about the same level that your brother plays the drums- and I say Sue Grafton is the best writer. And Nicholas Sparks. It's proposterous, inane, ridiculous, banal, and downright idiotic to continue to call Rush a good band. They are not. Their songs are too long, they are COMPLETELY irrelevant in the grand scheme of musical histroy, and Geddy Lee has the worst voice. Ever. And in case you haven't heard, voice is part of a band. They suck, suck, suck. Suck. Suck. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUCK.

And here's my number one most frequently changed song...

1. "Man In The Box"- Alice In Chains: It could be argued that Alice In Chains, along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden are THE most influential bands in music. Today's bands have far more in common with this quartet than The Who, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, or The Rolling Stones. Yes, I understand those four "old" bands set the ORIGINAL bar, but newer acts are rarely influenced by those geriatrics. And so I should love Alice In Chains. I also grew up right smack dab in the middle of the musical revolution that they helped pave. I should idolize them and rhapsodize how important they were to musical history. And then they were part of my youth, my formative years. They should have played a part in my flannel filled rage years. But they didn't. Because they were never good. I tried to like them, but I couldn't. They were too noisy, too angry, and too... Droning. And because I am oh so consistent (you are supposed to be laughing now), I must spread my hate equitably for terrible voices. And Layne Staley- rest his soul- has a voice that rivals only Geddy Lee's in terribleness. Couple that with the too depressing guitar, horrific groaning, and the seemingly unending length of the song, and you have the worst song ever.

There it is. Discuss.