I Really Wish I Had This Mastered

Have you ever read, watched, seen, or experience something that was likely meant to be silly, trifling, or inane, yet ended up being really insightful?

A while back, a friend from work sent me this hilarious article from Esquire titled The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master. I have long stated that writing for Esquire would be a dream job (along with shooting guard for The Celtics, lead singer of a band, and the role of Rob in the remake of High Fidelity) and this article is proof of why I love this magazine so much. Before you continue reading, check out the list (which is way funnier then what I will write after it).

http://www.esquire.com/features/essential-skills-0508

By my count, I have a measley 35 (on a good day) mastered for sure. And my brother- who frequently calls me liar Gerard- and others will probably attest that I have these 35 mastered. I think my track record shows that I can iron a shirt, buy a suit, make one drink in large batches very well (Caipirhinas), say no, make a playlist of random songs that mean something, and be brand loyal (Skippy is the ONLY peanut butter for me!).

Then, you also have to go on my word (but shouldn't be surprised to know), that I can score a baseball game, tell a woman's dress size (I have a shockingly keen awareness of this, for better or worse), I know that Columbus was a son of a bitch, can throw a baseball with some snap, cook bacon, write a thank you note (in a past life, I had to write about 100 of these), sew a button, know what cards to split in blackjack, make a bed (I only don't do this because I'm lazy), sew a button, and I can cook meat someplace other than a grill (cast iron boys, it's all about the cast iron).

Then, there are those things that I REALLY DO KNOW and that you are probably shocked that I actually know. I can change a flat, jump a car, and change the oil by myself (driving shitboxes helped me with all this). I can cast a fishing rod (Thanks Dad!), argue with a European (thanks again Steve- The only European I know!), not dominate a conversation (I swear I can! I've learned in my old age), and feign interest (just think of all those times I seemed interest people. Yet really, I was just waiting to talk). I've installed both an electric thermostat and a light fixture (really, it's just about cutting the power and matching the color coded wires men), asked for help (you've seen me do it! Haven't you?), avoid boredom (I never use the word bored. Ever.), hold a baby (haven't dropped one yet), and I know what a light year is (Star Wars helped).

There are the things on the list that I don't know and don't care to know like how to take a photograph, explain quantum physics, know some birds (they are creepy with their feathers and beaks), give advice that matters in one sentence, drive an eightpenny nail through a two by four, chop down a tree, throw a punch (unless those two kids from Funny Games hold me and my family hostage. But I'd probably just gouge out their eyes with my thumbs, The Descent style), play gin with an old guy, describe wine in one sentence (that's stuff white people like), find my way out of the woods (I don't go in the woods), or stock a car emergency bag.

And then there are the last two categories: Stuff on the list I really HOPE I know but have no idea if I know, and stuff I really wish I knew.

I wish I could consistently hit a 12 footer in hoops (I can't consistently do anything in hoops, other than turn the ball over), tie a bow tie (it pains me that I cannot), tell if someone is lying (you'd think a liar would know this), swim three different strokes (I can do this, just not as well as I'd like), speak a foreign language (my number one wish probably), hit a jump shot in pool (I suck at pool), dress a wound (never know what skills I might need when the apocalypse happens), make three different bets at the craps table, shuffle cards, recite a poem from memory, break another mans grip on my wrists, build a campfire (in case I'm in the woods), point north at anytime (this just seems like a cool skill and one that would make me seem more of a renassaince man), tie a knot, shake a hand (my hands are too small and so I'm always messing up the grip and getting dominated by better grips), and negotiate a better price (even street vendors in Chinatown fleece me).

And then there are the ones that I have no idea if I do know, but I really hope I do know.

Like can I name a book that matters? I was happy to see the author said that The Cathcer In the Rye doesn't, because it is overrated in my opinion. And do I know a ton about one particular musical act? I think I know a lot about a lot, but I am not a Zen Master of anyone (not even The National), and the one band I do know the most about hasn't released an album since The Spaghetti Incident.

Then, there are numbers 19 and 21. I won't say what they are here. Go look them up. But seeing as where I'm an ass clown, probably everyone I approach/have approached/have been with/ has been a few notches above me. And as for number 21? Well, since I've never even PARTICIPATED in that act, I wouldn't know.

And I hope I'm loyal. I really do because the stuff and the people that I like, I REALLY like, so I hope that my loyalty comes off. Besides, they have chosen to be friends with my minger ass, so they deserve something, no?

I hope I can play Go Fish with/speak to an eight year old. The last thing I want to be is that guy who is "not good with kids." I hope my niece or nephew or friends' sons or daughters would say they liked me. And I certainly hope that my own son or daughter (God Bless that mom) would like very much to play Go Fish with me.

It would be nice to think that I can tell a good joke/funny story. I don't want to be that guy in the science department whose stories nobody can tolerate. And it would be good to think that I can fry an egg well. I'm not sure why that's important to me, it just is.

And while I've never been much of a fighter, I hope I can sometimes kick some ass, whether it be verbally or in terms of getting something done. I ceratinly hope I kicked ass in Rock Band and didn't let my team down.

I also hope I have the reputation for taking the job no one else wants. While I try not to showcase this, I do take solace in the fact that people look to me when something difficult needs to be done. It's weirdly complimetary.

I had to deliver a eulogy once. I still hope to this day that it was acceptable.

And it would be good to know if I could caress a womans neck. Again, this is weirdly important to me. I especially want to know if that random woman at The Burren the other night liked when I uninvitedly caressed her neck...

I also hope I show respect without being a suck up. I like people to know that I respect them because I often seem that I respect no one, but really I do. I respect so many people. In particular, I respect those that are reading this drivel as we speak.

I really had a great time with this list and- like Stuff White People Like- it got me to thinking so much about myself.

It also got me to think about other skills we should all master. I think that a man should have at least one "go to" meal to prepare. I also think a man should know how to play cribbage (it's amazing how often the opportunity comes up to play that), hail a cab, and name a great acting performance other than one put in by Pacino, De Niro, Penn, Day-Lewis, or Nicholson.

Mostly though, this list got me to think about whether or not I am a good "man" and what it is that makes a good "man." I frequently lament the use of the phrase "he's such a nice guy," because really, what does that mean? But that's another post for another time.

Although this list was most certainly done tongue in cheek, but if taken for something more, it really can be a great tool for evaluating oneself. And evaluate myself I did.

And you know what? It made me thankful. Thankful that, despite scoring an approximate 360 on The Am I A Good Man? portion of the SATs, I have great people in every aspect of my life.

So thanks Esquire. I may not write for you, but while reading and over-analyzing this list, you've sure made me realize how lucky, happy, and thankful I really am.