Wow! A Judge Agrees With Me!

Sometimes, it is really hard to say you disagree with something that is so obviously NOT disagreeable. For instance, how do you say you DON'T like Kevin Garnett? Who doesn't like Kevin Garnett? What's not to like? You might not like that he doesn't play well in big games... Oh wait, he just bitch slapped that argument.

But there are issues even more sensitive than that and there is one in particular that I have always had reservations about expressing my dislike for. And that is the Dateline show To Catch A Predator.

Yes, it has been a while since this show was on the air (thank god), but in case you have forgotten (or just didn't know because you were hopefully not tuning in), the show garnered huge, HUGE ratings. It used to be just a segment, then it became its own show.

And why am I writing about a show that hasn't been on in six months? Because a court ruling yesterday showed me that I wasn't the only person who felt that everything about this show was weird. I hated this show from the beginning and with that court ruling yesterday, I finally have some sense of relief (and pride?) in hating this show.

Because really, what's to hate? This show bags the lowest of the low: Child predators. It takes these internet trolling scumbags who want to buy beer for 13 year olds and embarrasses them in front of millions of people. How could I not like that?

To begin, I've never liked that the show borders on entrapment, which I find to be a despicable (and the constitution and supreme court agree!) tactic. And I've always wondered if we've gotten the full story on each of the so called predators. I guess if they show up at the house with condoms and Captain Morgan and they KNOW the child was underage, then I really have no defense, but I've still always wondered if we had all the "facts."

Another piece of the show I loathe is Chris Hansen. He always seems so righteous and more creepily GLEEFUL to be busting these predators. Maybe he should be and I should be too, but it's his glee that creeps me out. When I catch a student cheating or doing something wrong, I don't take pleasure in busting him. I really don't. No one wants to see that happen. It's like when you find out your uncle is a raging alcoholic. You wish you never knew it and you certainly aren't happy that he is. And Chris Hansen always seemed absolutley THRILLED to be busting these predators and that completely weirded me out.

And what about the people who run the sting, Perverted Justice (to the surprise of many, law enforcement had nothing to do with the show and in fact, had many issues with it)? These people commit their lives to "putting away scumbag predators." But why? Are they really that concerned about the welfare of our nation's children? Do they really hate these predators? Or is there something else going on? Might they be atoning for their own sins? Whomever they are and whatever their reasons, I find these zealots weird.

But mostly what freaked me out about this show were the incredibly high ratings.

Who was watching this show? Did the viewers want to see these scumbags taken down because they saw it as the worst of the worst crimes? Was it our voyeuristic culture that wants to see into everyones lives? Or was it something deeper? Did people WANT to see bad things happen to others because we are all so goddamn miserable ourselves? Or are we as a culture intrigued by sexual predators? Do we want to know what makes them tick maybe because we all have some weird sexual desires ourselves?

All I know is I watched the show once and I didn't like the feeling it gave me. It's not that I felt badly for any of these predators. I mean, I'm a pretty weird dude (seen that Star Wars shelf? The man crush on Becks, Brad, and Georgie?) whose visited plenty of weird web sites, but dating/relationship chat rooms I haven't dabbled in. So feel badly for these guys, I do not. But the show just never gave me any pleasure or entertainment. I like to watch the train wreck as much as the next guy, but this show always felt... Different. And yesterday, a ruling by a federal judge supported my feelings.

Back in February, a judge ordered a stop to the show saying that it drifted away from responsible journalism and into irresponsible law enforcement. The judge blasted the show and it was stopped directly after that. He also cited some studies and evidence that showed up in Rolling Stone.

The Rolling Stone story said that only 1152 people were arrested in 2006 in chat room related sex offenses and that there are so few people who troll the internet looking for these relationships. It said that the show- which has a college girl posing as a sexed up 13 year old- might actually INCREASE the number of arrestes because the "victim" traps these offenders who normally wouldn't be looking for such a thing. The article also went on to say that over 95% of the offenders from To Catch A Predator not only didn't have previous arrests as sex offenders, but had NO PREVIOUS ARRESTS AT ALL. Lastly, the judge said that the show takes away from the real offenders in child molestation cases- realtives and friends.

So anyways, it was with a bit of happiness that I read that a judge completely ripped this show and awarded the family of one of the offenders caught on the show a huge sum of money after said offender killed himself.

But mostly I felt good because my silent hatred and skepticism of and for this show was justified. We know I'm wrong so very often, but it appears my feelings were correct here. And my feelings were justified by a federal judge; someone far more knowledgeable than the really creepy people who gave this show its' ridiculous ratings.

I Really Wish I Had This Mastered

Have you ever read, watched, seen, or experience something that was likely meant to be silly, trifling, or inane, yet ended up being really insightful?

A while back, a friend from work sent me this hilarious article from Esquire titled The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master. I have long stated that writing for Esquire would be a dream job (along with shooting guard for The Celtics, lead singer of a band, and the role of Rob in the remake of High Fidelity) and this article is proof of why I love this magazine so much. Before you continue reading, check out the list (which is way funnier then what I will write after it).

http://www.esquire.com/features/essential-skills-0508

By my count, I have a measley 35 (on a good day) mastered for sure. And my brother- who frequently calls me liar Gerard- and others will probably attest that I have these 35 mastered. I think my track record shows that I can iron a shirt, buy a suit, make one drink in large batches very well (Caipirhinas), say no, make a playlist of random songs that mean something, and be brand loyal (Skippy is the ONLY peanut butter for me!).

Then, you also have to go on my word (but shouldn't be surprised to know), that I can score a baseball game, tell a woman's dress size (I have a shockingly keen awareness of this, for better or worse), I know that Columbus was a son of a bitch, can throw a baseball with some snap, cook bacon, write a thank you note (in a past life, I had to write about 100 of these), sew a button, know what cards to split in blackjack, make a bed (I only don't do this because I'm lazy), sew a button, and I can cook meat someplace other than a grill (cast iron boys, it's all about the cast iron).

Then, there are those things that I REALLY DO KNOW and that you are probably shocked that I actually know. I can change a flat, jump a car, and change the oil by myself (driving shitboxes helped me with all this). I can cast a fishing rod (Thanks Dad!), argue with a European (thanks again Steve- The only European I know!), not dominate a conversation (I swear I can! I've learned in my old age), and feign interest (just think of all those times I seemed interest people. Yet really, I was just waiting to talk). I've installed both an electric thermostat and a light fixture (really, it's just about cutting the power and matching the color coded wires men), asked for help (you've seen me do it! Haven't you?), avoid boredom (I never use the word bored. Ever.), hold a baby (haven't dropped one yet), and I know what a light year is (Star Wars helped).

There are the things on the list that I don't know and don't care to know like how to take a photograph, explain quantum physics, know some birds (they are creepy with their feathers and beaks), give advice that matters in one sentence, drive an eightpenny nail through a two by four, chop down a tree, throw a punch (unless those two kids from Funny Games hold me and my family hostage. But I'd probably just gouge out their eyes with my thumbs, The Descent style), play gin with an old guy, describe wine in one sentence (that's stuff white people like), find my way out of the woods (I don't go in the woods), or stock a car emergency bag.

And then there are the last two categories: Stuff on the list I really HOPE I know but have no idea if I know, and stuff I really wish I knew.

I wish I could consistently hit a 12 footer in hoops (I can't consistently do anything in hoops, other than turn the ball over), tie a bow tie (it pains me that I cannot), tell if someone is lying (you'd think a liar would know this), swim three different strokes (I can do this, just not as well as I'd like), speak a foreign language (my number one wish probably), hit a jump shot in pool (I suck at pool), dress a wound (never know what skills I might need when the apocalypse happens), make three different bets at the craps table, shuffle cards, recite a poem from memory, break another mans grip on my wrists, build a campfire (in case I'm in the woods), point north at anytime (this just seems like a cool skill and one that would make me seem more of a renassaince man), tie a knot, shake a hand (my hands are too small and so I'm always messing up the grip and getting dominated by better grips), and negotiate a better price (even street vendors in Chinatown fleece me).

And then there are the ones that I have no idea if I do know, but I really hope I do know.

Like can I name a book that matters? I was happy to see the author said that The Cathcer In the Rye doesn't, because it is overrated in my opinion. And do I know a ton about one particular musical act? I think I know a lot about a lot, but I am not a Zen Master of anyone (not even The National), and the one band I do know the most about hasn't released an album since The Spaghetti Incident.

Then, there are numbers 19 and 21. I won't say what they are here. Go look them up. But seeing as where I'm an ass clown, probably everyone I approach/have approached/have been with/ has been a few notches above me. And as for number 21? Well, since I've never even PARTICIPATED in that act, I wouldn't know.

And I hope I'm loyal. I really do because the stuff and the people that I like, I REALLY like, so I hope that my loyalty comes off. Besides, they have chosen to be friends with my minger ass, so they deserve something, no?

I hope I can play Go Fish with/speak to an eight year old. The last thing I want to be is that guy who is "not good with kids." I hope my niece or nephew or friends' sons or daughters would say they liked me. And I certainly hope that my own son or daughter (God Bless that mom) would like very much to play Go Fish with me.

It would be nice to think that I can tell a good joke/funny story. I don't want to be that guy in the science department whose stories nobody can tolerate. And it would be good to think that I can fry an egg well. I'm not sure why that's important to me, it just is.

And while I've never been much of a fighter, I hope I can sometimes kick some ass, whether it be verbally or in terms of getting something done. I ceratinly hope I kicked ass in Rock Band and didn't let my team down.

I also hope I have the reputation for taking the job no one else wants. While I try not to showcase this, I do take solace in the fact that people look to me when something difficult needs to be done. It's weirdly complimetary.

I had to deliver a eulogy once. I still hope to this day that it was acceptable.

And it would be good to know if I could caress a womans neck. Again, this is weirdly important to me. I especially want to know if that random woman at The Burren the other night liked when I uninvitedly caressed her neck...

I also hope I show respect without being a suck up. I like people to know that I respect them because I often seem that I respect no one, but really I do. I respect so many people. In particular, I respect those that are reading this drivel as we speak.

I really had a great time with this list and- like Stuff White People Like- it got me to thinking so much about myself.

It also got me to think about other skills we should all master. I think that a man should have at least one "go to" meal to prepare. I also think a man should know how to play cribbage (it's amazing how often the opportunity comes up to play that), hail a cab, and name a great acting performance other than one put in by Pacino, De Niro, Penn, Day-Lewis, or Nicholson.

Mostly though, this list got me to think about whether or not I am a good "man" and what it is that makes a good "man." I frequently lament the use of the phrase "he's such a nice guy," because really, what does that mean? But that's another post for another time.

Although this list was most certainly done tongue in cheek, but if taken for something more, it really can be a great tool for evaluating oneself. And evaluate myself I did.

And you know what? It made me thankful. Thankful that, despite scoring an approximate 360 on The Am I A Good Man? portion of the SATs, I have great people in every aspect of my life.

So thanks Esquire. I may not write for you, but while reading and over-analyzing this list, you've sure made me realize how lucky, happy, and thankful I really am.

I've Gone And Flip-Flopped Again

Hate Shaq, love Shaq.

Love football, hate football.

Hate George Clooney, make him my idol.

I'm not sure why I do this so frequently, but this weekend I did have a conversation where I think I finally figured out why I flip flop so much: Because it's fun.

The conversation that made me realize this was one about Led Zeppelin. I told someone who I had met only a few times that Led Zeppelin sucks. The person I was with said I shouldn't do that because obviously Led Zeppelin doesn't suck (later, I would say that yes, indeed, I truly believe that Led Zeppelin does suck and I have lots of information to support that statement the primary of which is that not a band that is good today was influenced by these chuckahs and they also wrote "Stairway To Heaven") and that I should say something like, "Yes, Led Zeppelin is in fact a good band, but because I do not like a number of their songs and the fact that they aren't really relevant anymore makes me not like the. However, I do respect your thoughts and opinions on the value of Led Zeppelin and I appreciate why you like them so much."

But that's diplomatic and really, really, REALLY boring.

In fact, it's just no fun.

It's way more fun to say simply, "Led Zeppelin sucks."

So with this knowledge in hand, I realized why I flip flop so much. Because as I said in a previous post, I am ambiguous about virtually nothing. Part of that is done purposefully and part of that is because I usually do feel strongly one way or another. That said, I do reserve the right to change my mind.

And I've changed my mind on Coldplay and Chris Martin.

I iked Coldplay when "Yellow" was first released and I loved "Clocks" and of course, "Fix You." But for a long time, I've hated this band. Mostly for the same reasons that everyone else hates them: They seem pretentious, self indulgent, self important, cheesey, whiny, and completely overrated. I also used to get mad that they had some sort of weird credibility and that people whose opinions I trusted greatly (Waidehi and Steve) liked these whiny bitches.

But I saved most of my ire for Chris Martin who I found to be a complete poseur. It never helped him that he thought he was a rock star, did rock star things like try to save Africa, and I even hated him for marrying Gwyneth Paltrow, who seemed his female equivalent in terms of self importance. In fact, the crowning moment of my life may have been when there was the "Wanna know how I know you're gay... Because you like Coldplay" joke in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

But then a couple of things started to happen.

First, there was "Fix You." I always defended it, but with the caveat of, "It's a great song... For Coldplay (and as I've stated time and again, watch the video and enjoy those chills when the crowd sings along)."

Then there was the fact that nearly everyone hated Coldplay, especially indie rock snobs, of which I have a love/hate relationship with. And since I learned long ago from my non-conformist parents, it is no fun to do what everyone else is doing.

So a few weeks ago, I decided that I might want to have some backlash against the backlash, sort of like being a nonconformist in the nonconformist crowd.

Concern for my Love Coldplay Plan (LCP) was raised when I heard the very first single, "Violet Hill." I wasn't overly impressed. But I still decided to make enact LCP, even if there much anticipated album did suck. And then I caught a huge break: The Apple commercial featuring "Viva La Vida."

This song is on the fast track to being the most overplayed song of the summer. I don't care because it is also on the fast track to being the best song of the year. If this song doesn't having you driving 100 mph down the highway this summer, then music just doesn't move you. And if you aren't at least tapping your foot or whistling the chorus then not only does music not move you, but you pretty much suck because this song is off the charts.

I then couldn't wait to purchase the album and when I finally did last week, I was blown away. Not only is there "Viva La Vida," but there is also ridiculous "Strawberry Spring," the opening instrumental "Life In Technicolor," the dynamic "42," and the arena shaking (and the sure to be pre-encore closing song on the upcoming tour) "Death and All His Friends," and you have one of the years best albums. And oh yeah, the critics are with me on this one.

So my LCP was looking good but to be taken to the next level, something else was going to have to happen. And it did. Coldplay- and in particular, Chris Martin- starting doing interviews. And after reading/seeing these interviews I found something out. I love Chris Martin.

Given my ridiculous flip-flop nature, this should really come as a surprise to no one. But for those of you who haven't read any, you should know that he is the man. There is now a seat open to him at my table of dudes who are the men (Clooney, Pitt, Beckham, Beringer).

As it turns out, Chris Martin is funny, thoughtful, self aware, and he has an amazing knack to get the interviewers to like him. In fact, many interviewers say that he is the exact opposite of what one would expect him to be as he is self deprecating and thinks he is the least important person on Earth. In one interview, he claims that the record company should sell t-shirts that say "I Hate Coldplay" and pretend they are an independent group of Coldplay haters. He suggests that the company should set up tables outside of the show and they'd make millions. He's probably correct.

Chris goes on further to understand and appreciate the hatred of his band. He feels there last album relied on too much of the same and he also recognizes that they were in danger of being a one trick pony. He makes jokes about how he never got laid, even though he was supposed to be a rock star. He recognizes that his support of the Make Trade Fair initiative seems pretentious and God-Like, but he explains (very well by the way) why he does support it. Lastly, he knows his fan base is largely women and he even recognizes the The 40 Year Old Virgin joke as hilarious.

Chris Martin's public persona has done nothing to help him. His kid's name is Apple, he beats up the paprazzi, and he tries way too hard to be Bono. But he understands ALL of this and that's what makes him so likable. So give the guy a chance. Buy the new album, check out the performance at the MTV Movie Awards on youtube and read the interviews. Because there's a pretty good chance you'll like him. A lot.

And if all that still doesn't convince you, just listen to the words of "Fix You."

He wrote those. You didn't.

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Bullet To The Head

Because I am too lazy/forgetful to move a CD from my house and into my car, I have been spending a great deal of time listening to the radio while driving.

People dump on the radio a good deal and that is understandable. There are so many commercials and the same songs tend to get played over and over. And I think that morning shows have stopped playing music. I'm not sure who exactly has decided this is a good idea, but the morning show format seems to have officially punted music.

So with all of this time spent listening to radio, I have come to realize that listening to the radio in the car is like being a fledgling celebrity on the dating scene. You are always looking for something better.

Now, of course there are songs that I will ALWAYS keep on the radio. Any of my indie stuff white people like bands will stay. As will Alt Rock staples like "Alive", "Everlong", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Spoonman", and "What's The Story Morning Glory". My 80s alternative music like The Cure, Depeche Mode, Midnight Oil, and U2 stays. Cheesey stuff from the 90s remains on too, like Sponge, Better Than Ezra, The Goo Goo Dolls, and Everclear.

Then there is the stuff that will ALWAYS go like The Doors, Pink Floyd (I ask again: Name a band they influenced), Lynard Skynard, The Who, and The Eagles.

But what are the songs that you will change the INSTANT you hear them? What songs- not of those bands that you universally hate- will you switch because you just can't stand them?

So naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to compile a list of songs that I revile. A list of songs that I will turn immediately. But I did have some rules.

They cannot be genres that I would never listen to, like country. Obviously, that is getting switched. And I tried to stay away from entire BANDS that I would switch off like Sublime (honestly people, I just don't know what it is to like about this band. Why are they on the radio so much? Why are people shocked when I hate them? I mean, they randomly sing in Spanish? Why am I treated like an idiot when I say I loathe this band? What is to like? The same songs we've heard 51,000 times or their "new stuff," which doesn't exist because the lead singer is DEAD?!?), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, or Nickelback. And since I'm not even putting on a classic rock channel, I won't waste anytime listing classic rock songs, because I'm changing them all (note: some classic rock bands are so terribly bad that I had to include them on the list, like #s 2 and 15). Anyways, here's twenty-three (in honor of Beckham) must switches:

23. "Whole Lotta Love"- Led Zeppelin: Whoops, guess I lied two sentences ago. This song is so bad that it has to be on the list. I actually just heard it and there is a three minute interlude in the middle of the song where either whales are talking or someone is playing guitar. It is unlistenable and I don't understand who can like this song. If this song were made today, no way does it get a record contract, let alone airplay. Yes, music has changed. For the better people, for the better.

22. "Roxeanne"- The Police: These guys wrote "So Lonely", "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", and "Don't Stand So Close To Me". Yet there most well known song is probably this piece of shit. I hit the preset channel button to change this song as soon as I hear, "Ro....."

21. "Sober"- Tool: I'm just not angry enough for this song anymore. And even when I was, I still didn't like it that much. I always tried to MAKE myself like it to give myself some musical credibility, but I just couldn't listen to it. Speaking of making myself like bands, I tried making myself like...

20. "She Talks To Angels"- The Black Crowes: ...But I guess I'll never get this band. I tell people I don't like The Black Crowes and they look at me like I have ten heads. Apparently, if you know anything about music you HAVE to like The Balck Crowes. I don't and I especially hate this song. And "Hard To Handle" is 20 and a half on the list.

19. "Ziggy Stardust"- David Bowie: I'm supposed to like this guy because he's like the grandfather of alt rock, but boy do I hate this song. Plus, it has the word Ziggy in it and that just makes me think of that really stupid comic strip which was never very funny.

18. "Black Velvet"- Alannah Myles: I like the drink, but not this song. In fact, why do I still hear it on the radio? Are surveys and test audiences responding well to this song? Because do any of you know anyone who really, REALLY wants to hear her shreik this awful tune?

17. "The Joker"- Steve Miller: Two (completely, utterly ridiculous, pathetically, comical, horrifically awful) words- WAH-WAW! Or whatever the hell he says.

16. "Losing My Religion"- REM: I mean, these are my boys! True indie rockers that paved the way for half the stuff I love today. But I hear, "That's me in the corner... That's me in the... Spot... Light..." And I am Losing My MIND! The horrific video where Michael Stipe danced like he was Nic Cage having alcohol withdrawal convulsions in Leaving Las Vegas certainly hasn't helped matters either.

15. "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me/Piano Man/Uptown Girl/Big Shot"- Billy Joel: I mean yeah, sure, I hate this guy. But I'll keep "River of Dreams" and "We Didn't Start The Fire" (Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio) on the radio, but these four? Please. And how the hell does he sell out The TD Banknorth Garden? Are people really that hard up for a good time? Do they know that little music? God, What a tool.

14. "Holiday In Cambodia"- Dead Kennedy's: Yes they are on FNX. Yes they are on my iPod. Yes I should like them to give myself punk/alt credibility. But what is up with that Pol Pot chanting in the middle of the song? No stories of seeing them at CBGB and no puff pieces in Spin, Rolling Stone, and Pitchfork can make me like that vexing chant.

13. "Bad To The Bone"- George Thorogood: My only hope here is that this song is now officially a parody or joke of some kind. It can only show up in clip/montage scenes of Beauty and the Geek when a geek does something tough, right? I mean it can't possibly be used for anyones entertainment, no? Or taken seriously in any way, shape, or form? I did see that Georgie is playing the Bank of America Pavillion on August 17th. Does anyone want to come with me to check out the people at this show? Do I share DNA with them? Or do I have more in common with a Puma? How many tickets could possibly be sold for this show? Nine? Twenty-six? Because if it's thousands, then the US Government should just napalm the Pavillion that night in order to punish those ticket buyers for their stupidity.

12. "The Walk of Life"- Dire Straits: I hear that keyboard riff in my nightmares.

11. "Run Around"- Blues Traveler: I could have come up with any number of tunes by these guys, yet at the same time, I don't unequivocally hate them because I still like "Optimistic Thought". But this song just makes me think of dirty, Birkenstock wearing, freaks from UMass (I have no problem with earthy crunchy people now folks. It's just I hate so much anger then. Plus, I was a Masshole.) bee-bopping along to that fat guy wailing on his harmonica. As I have aged into the mature middle aged man I currently am, my rage for these people has waned. I hate this song less now, but I still have to put it there for nostalgia reasons. Plus, those same freaks probably all have more put together lives than I do, so in the end, I still kinda hate those hemp necklace wearing freaks.

10. "Sledgehammer"- Peter Gabriel: I love you Peter, I really do. I mostly love you because Lloyd Dobbler loved you so much (didn't his arms get tired though?), but I do keep "Solsbury Hill" on the radio and I love that song with Kate Bush. Plus, you are British and were once part of Genesis (who shockingly doesn't show up on this list). But c'mon man? Sledgehammer? An by the way Pete, "Big Time" and "Shock The Monkey" don't get a listen when they turn up either.

9. "Lightning Crashes"- Live: Could be any Live song on here, but this one holds a special place in my hating heart. I probably did like it at one time, but now, it bothers me so much. Can't wait to hear this played over the car crash/death of a loved one scene in an upcoming One Tree Hill episode.

8. "Superstitious"- Stevie Wonder: This hurts Stevie. I love you and I particularly love when I hear the line, "I believe when I fall in love with you, it will be forever," but you're right Stevie. The writing is on the wall. And it says this one stinks.

7. "Jane Says"- Jane's Addiction: Gerard says... This song is the worst...Why is Perry Farrell such a loser? Why does Dave Navarro get all those hot girls? Why would anyone put a Janes Addiction CD in their CD player when they can put any number of newer and better acts in the same player? Why are they on the radio so much?

6. "Aqualung"- Jethro Tull: Quick! Go to iTunes. Download this song. Listen to it... Closely... Get your ear right close to the speakers... Dissect the lyrics... Take in the prog rockiness of it... Feel the flute... Now try defending it.

5. "Girls"- Beastie Boys: Along with Janes Addiction and The Red Hot Chili Peppers, these old, white, Jewish, outdated, completely irrelevant dudes are the most overplayed band on the radio. They are EVERYWHERE and it doesn't get worse than this song. I understand that at one point in time, they were influential and groundbreaking, but so was the movie Metropolis. And because we have progressed as a society, that movie is unwatchable, just as the Beastie Boys are unlistenable.

4. "Cheeseburger In Paradise"- Jimmy Buffet: If everyone present at a Jimmy Buffet concert were to simultaneously spontaneously combust, would the world be a better place or a worse place?

3. "Barracuda"- Heart: When someone asks me why I don't like a specific song, I usually try to explain it. Often times however, I have a difficult time explaining it because I'm just not musically savvy enough to perfectly explain my dislike of a song. So when I have exhausted all arguments as to why a particular song sucks, I say this: When the instruments, coupled with the singers voice, come out of the speakers and hit my auditory organs, I have a fond displeasure of the sounds created. And that's the way I feel about "Barracuda". Don't hate Heart. Love that "Magic Man" shows up in Swingers. But boy do I hate "Barracuda".

2. Anything That I Am Unfortunate Enough To Hear For Even A Millisecond From This Horrific Band- Rush: If I were a Music Superhero (Captain Good Tune maybe?) and my job were to fly around the world insuring that people have the opportunity to hear and be introduced to good NEW (read that again: NEW!!!) music, Rush would be my archenemy. My nemesis. They would be my Joker, my Green Goblin, my Two Face, my Lex Luther, my Dr. Evil, my Darth Vader. They are simply the worst and I am exhausted by the people who call them "great musicians." Someone tell me why Neil Pert is the best drummer? What does he do differently than Dave Grohl? Is he really THAT much better than Bryce Dessner, my boy from The National? Is what he creates really better than The Killers drummer wailing on the Joy Division cover of Shadowplay? What is it that Neil does that has people creaming in their pants? And who actually "knows" he's the best? I love when people say, "my brother plays the drums and he says Neil Pert is the best ever." Well, I write- at about the same level that your brother plays the drums- and I say Sue Grafton is the best writer. And Nicholas Sparks. It's proposterous, inane, ridiculous, banal, and downright idiotic to continue to call Rush a good band. They are not. Their songs are too long, they are COMPLETELY irrelevant in the grand scheme of musical histroy, and Geddy Lee has the worst voice. Ever. And in case you haven't heard, voice is part of a band. They suck, suck, suck. Suck. Suck. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUCK.

And here's my number one most frequently changed song...

1. "Man In The Box"- Alice In Chains: It could be argued that Alice In Chains, along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden are THE most influential bands in music. Today's bands have far more in common with this quartet than The Who, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, or The Rolling Stones. Yes, I understand those four "old" bands set the ORIGINAL bar, but newer acts are rarely influenced by those geriatrics. And so I should love Alice In Chains. I also grew up right smack dab in the middle of the musical revolution that they helped pave. I should idolize them and rhapsodize how important they were to musical history. And then they were part of my youth, my formative years. They should have played a part in my flannel filled rage years. But they didn't. Because they were never good. I tried to like them, but I couldn't. They were too noisy, too angry, and too... Droning. And because I am oh so consistent (you are supposed to be laughing now), I must spread my hate equitably for terrible voices. And Layne Staley- rest his soul- has a voice that rivals only Geddy Lee's in terribleness. Couple that with the too depressing guitar, horrific groaning, and the seemingly unending length of the song, and you have the worst song ever.

There it is. Discuss.

Jump On Board!

Along with coconut, mushrooms, and pleated pants, I HATE the word bandwagon.

Bandwagon is often thrown around as an insult and I sometimes understand this (Pink Hats), but depending on how you personally feel, sport is either a business or entertainment. And in either case, people who jump on the "bandwagon" are smart. And by that rationale, people who jump OFF the "bandwagon" are also smart.

I love when a super fan says, "I've loved the Bruins for 25 years! I've been watching them since I was a kid! All these new 'bandwagon' fans who know nothing about the team suck! I was wit the Bees since the beginning!"

Well you know what that makes those super fans look like? Super idiots.

Why would I pay inflated ticket, food, and beer (well actually, we know I'll pay anything for beer) prices for an inferior product? When a movie sucks or a car sucks or a restuarant sucks, we don't buy their ticket, product, or food respectively. 88 Minutes sucked. Should I pay $10.50 to see it because I was "there with Al Pacino since the beginning?" If M. Night's The Happening blows, should I pay for a ticket because I liked his The Sixth Sense, which is ten years old? No. And if I did, everyone would tool on me.

For some reason, bandwagon fans are crucified. But why wouldn't someone NOT pay for or waste their time watching an inferior product? Should I re-purchase a Dodge Stratus (insert Will Ferrell joke here) because I bought one twelve years ago and I'm loyal to it even though it was the suckiest thing I ever spent money on (it was even worse than a cup of Honey Dew coffee)? I think you know the answer to that.

So with all of that in mind, I have this to say about The-So-Awesome-That-David-Stern-Is-Spooging-As-We-Speak Celtics-Lakers matchup: Jump on the bandwagon kids. There's plenty of room and I'm glad- as a fan of a whole fifteen years- to have you on board. If for no other reason than I know have someone to drink with.

If you haven't been watching, this is so fun. As I've said countless times this year, the Celtics have one of the most enjoyable sports teams in recent memory. They aren't even close to jumping the shark (as the Sox have) and they don't have near the annoying traits/coach that the Patriots have. And while the Bruins were relevant for a couple of nights in April, they are still the Bruins.

I know that many of you hate the NBA because you hate the NBA of 1994. But while you were cursing the 74-69 games the Knicks and Pacers used to play, the NBA got good. Really good. I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Scores were way up. The Suns, Nuggets, and Warriors showed you could play 80s style basketball and win. There are tons of stars in the league (enough to even beat your '86 All Star Team Hayes) and the rules not allowing high school players into the league have let you develop some familiarity with players who you watched in college. The NBA game is great now and the league is loaded with stud players and very, VERY good teams (Side note. For years, people who hate the NBA game claim that it is no longer a "team game" and that it is all individual all the time. While this may be true in some peoples eyes, I find it strange that the two teams who play most like TEAMS- Detroit and San Antonio- are the two most hated teams in the league. That would seem to be a paradox.).

But this isn't an The NBA Is Awesome post. It is a The Celtics Are Awesome post. And because the Cees are awesome, entertaining, fun, likable, and play really, REALLY good basketball, you should jump on the banwagon. There is no Curt Schilling or Rodney Harrison on the team. There are no steroid allegation or Spygate stories. They don't have an annoying flopper like Manu Ginnobli or a goofy useless talent like Anderson Varejo. They have a bunch of great personalities who can straight up PLAY.

And so the next two weeks are going to be a blast. I am by no means a lifelong Cees fan- when Bird, Parish, and McHale were dominating, I was wondering why the Sox weren't keeping Spike Owen- but I've loved them these past few years. Yes, that's strange, given what you just read about an inferior product, but I like the NBA, they had (let me say again: Had) cheap seats, the games are fast and easy to get to, there are a surprisingly high number of hot women at the games, and most importantly, I like drinking on Friday nights. And the Celtics always have a Friday night home game. So even though they sucked, it seemed appropriate to follow the Celtics. And while I never yelled at people for not watching a 15 win team, the lack of Celtics Super Fans here on June 5th is surprising.

So rather than yell at you, I want to tell you again: Get on board the bandwagon. Find a guy to love, be it House, Powe, Big Baby, or James Posey. Find a YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUK!!!!!!!!!! to cheer for. Bust out you Beat LA shirt from 1985 (or ask Morgy from Good Will Hunting if you can borrow his), cheer for Ray Ray when he drains a three, and go crazy when KG blocks an after the whistle shot. But whatever you do, WATCH THESE GAMES!!!!! It's your basketball team! In the NBA Finals! Against the best in the west! Against Kobe, the A-Rod and Peyton Manning (meaning athletes who irrational Boston sports fans hate) of the NBA! Against Phil Jackson, the guy who could break Red's coaching title record!

At the very least, come drink with me. That will be fun. Not so much my company (which is rarely fun), but the fact that it will give you something to do. There is only two things I ask that you NOT do: Don't cheer for Scalabrine when he gets put in and don't criticize Doc because he knows what he's doing and you don't.

So drink up. Go Cees. It'll take seven games, but banner #17 is on its way.