I Can Tell That We Aren't Gonna Be Friends

Over the past couple of months, I've had to spend substantial amounts of time around a person I find to be the most loathsome person on Earth (in the interest of retaining my position as Worst Teacher in America, I have to leave his/her name out). Not only is this person a wretched human, but we have virtually nothing in common. For starters, this person has a Billy Joel ringtone on his phone.

But, it is important to point out that not even I am so shallow as to judge someone solely on their ringtone. In addition to the ridiculous ringtone, s/he has many other worthless personality traits. There are so many, that it is impossible to list them all, so I won't. Just know that I have more in common with my friends toddler aged children and 85 year old women.

Thinking about this cat, I began musing about all the other worthless dudes I come into contact with such as the really annoying dude I was talking to at the gym the other day (he corrected my lifting technique), David Cook from Idol, and the soon to be uber annoying Dustin Pedroia.

And then that got me to do MORE thinking (I bet you can smell the wood burning). What does it take for me to absolutely not be friends with someone? What are, essentailly, the deal breakers? The deal breaker phenomenon is often detailed, but it's usually on the dating scene (check out the awesome NY Times article I linked to the right).

But what will it take to be a "friend" deal breaker? Realistically, it's probably not what you originally think. You might think your friends need to have many of the same interests as you and this is true to a degree. But sometimes, you just have different interests. For example, I can't dislike one of my friends because they don't dress like me. I read GQ, they don't. It's not like I'm creating any new trends here, I'm just reading what they aren't. And that's fine. There are countless other examples, but if you really think about it, your best friends are probably not clones of you. In fact, the people that I have met who others say are exactly like me, I usually end up hating (this is a fascinating piece of my personality and one that I would pay a psychologist/sociologist unlimited amounts of money to try to explain to me).

Of course, I certainly would have a hard time being friends with a bible thumping, Christian rock listening, NASCAR fan, but in reality, I have many differences from my friends. Half my friends are staunch conservatives who I have to ask to stop using the word fag. They participate in fantasy football, drink Coors Light, and wear pleated pants, but still I'm friends with them. Why? Well, mostly because when you break it down, my good friends hold many of the same core beliefs I do (highly immoral, cynical, beer drinking, sarcastic pricks). Also, the fact that we do differ is fun and as we all know, I need to be called on my moronic behavior from time to time and so it is good having these ass clowns in my life.

So what would it REALLY take for me to realize that I absolutely cannot be friends with someone? What highly offensive, highly immoral behavior can they participate in to make me hate them forever? Lots of things. But here are a few of the dudes I would never be friends with.

Dude With Boy Peeing on Ford/Chevy Decals: I'm not even sure what the name of these stickers are, but if you have one on your truck, there is absolutely no way we can be friends. Who puts this on their truck? What guy says, "You know what would complete my truck and truly show people just who I am? Why, a sticker with a picture of a young boy urinating on my chief competitors truck." Can you honestly imagine ever putting this on your truck? The only thing that would make this person more dislikable is if they had a sticker next to it that read "Keep Working Hard. Millions On Welfare Depend On You." And lastly, could I really be friends with someone who drives a Ford pickup anyways?

Dude Who Reads Self Help Books: Yes, I know I touched on this in a previous post, but it's so wretched I need to revisit it. Here's some self help from me: Don't read self help books.

Dude Who Likes Pearl Jam Just A Bit Too Much: Let me explain. I love Pearl Jam. Always have. I have an ambiguously gay picture of me and my high school friends doing the Ten pose together in 1992. And who doesn't love Eddie Vedder (I should probably start liking him a bit more since Brad has decided to start dressing exactly like him as evidenced by his outfit on Idol Gives Back Wednesday night)? But, some people are just SOOOOOOOOOOOO into Pearl Jam and they refuse to acknowledge that over the past 17 years, other bands have released music. Plus, loving Pearl Jam gives you credibility in many circles. If you love Pearl Jam, then you are a hit with a truly manly man as all truly manly men love Pearl Jam. And any current music afficianado or indie wannabe owes many thanks to the greatness of Pearl Jam. But Vedderphiles, I ask you to just do this: BRANCH OUT! There's tons of great music out there and it's okay to try it sometime. In fact, there are even some bands who put on a live show AS GOOD as the vaunted Pearl Jam live show (this band The National that I may or may not have mentioned before comes to mind). So while I love Pearl Jam and I love those that love Pearl Jam, I cannot be around the person who thinks that the only album released in 2000 was Binaural.

Dude Who Wears Tank Tops Out: As I stated at the beginning, fashion rules aren't really fair. But to me, this really isn't even a rule. It's a fact. I think the eleventh commandment says, "Thou Shall Not Wear A Tank Top Out."

Dude With Arm Band Tattoos (I think they are called tribals): I understand tatoos. I love them. I kinda want a Millenium Falcon. But the wrap around arm tattoo? You can't be serious. Put on an Armani Exchange t-shirt, get a blow out and throw some LA Looks gel in it, go tanning, and THEN get the tribal tattoo and maybe, MAYBE I'll be friends with you.

Dude Who Actively Participates In The Sweet Caroline Sing-a-Long At Fenway: I had to sit through a lot of Ivan Calderon/Tom Brunansky/Kevin Romine/Randy Kutcher/Bob Zupcic outfields before getting to enjoy a dynasty. And what happens? A bunch of chuckahs jump on the bandwagon. I'll tell ya, I didn't see a lot of tribal tattoos at the games then. Now, everyone is a Red Sox fan. This is fine (I say it's fine, but in actuality, I think it was cooler when Luis Rivera and his excessive spitting manned the middle infield) and dandy. I understand why people jump on the bandwagon. But for the love of ham, don't be a dude and participate in the Sweet Caroline sing a long! That's for the Pink Hats, the guys who mispronounce Wily Mo Pena, and the dudes who say, "The Sox are losing 3 to 6." Plus, the only good thing about Neil Diamond is that Will Ferrel skit.

Dude Who Likes The WAAF Morning Show: I have more in common with Margaret Thatcher than I do with the guy who thinks that the wisdom Greg Hill deseminates is wisdom.

Dude Who Doesn't Like Sideways: I struggled with the movie measuring stick. I thought about substituting Pulp Fiction for Sideways, but then, if you didn't like Pulp, not only can you not be my friend, but you also have to be shot. Then I thought about discussing Caddyshack, but I've been down that road. So I settled on Sideways because if you are anywhere near the ages 30-115, you should identify with the characters. And if you don't, then you A) Know nothing about yourself or B) Are an idiot.

Dude Who Thinks Pink Floyd is "Influential": Quick, name a contemporary band that was influenced by Pink Floyd. And no, The Alan Parsons Project is not contemporary.

Dude Who Really Likes Wes Anderson: How this is not a stuff white people like entry, I don't know. But liking this guy means that you think you know something about good movies (which, if you saw Life Aquatic, you don't) and it also means that you think you are "hip." Wes Anderson has to be on the list of stuff guys who used to get shoved in lockers and now try to like psuedo-intellectual, pretentious things because they are still so upset they got shoved in lockers and want to take that feeling of inferiority and channel it into film. Man I hate Wes Anderson. And make a new movie by the way.

Dude Who Talks About Running: Shut up! If you could, you'd take the running pill too. You don't do it for the "high." This probably needs to be an entirely separate blog, but stop talking about running buddy. I get it. You run. Lots of people do. You probably suck at it and hate it like everybody else, but you still talk about it as it is an especially good thing to put in your match.com interest section as it says to the world, "no, I am not an unfit guy." The only difference between dudes who talk about running and dudes who talk about fantasy football is that... Wait, there are no differences.

Dude Who DOESN'T Like Hang Me Up To Dry: I get way people don't like songs I like and I hope they get why I hate Rush. But Hang Me Up To Dry is a song that you have to like. If you don't, I have to question what your music taste is at all. Do you like John Tesh? Reggatone? What? Spoken word? Because if you don't like this song, you don't like music and if you don't like music, we aren't gonna be friends.

Dude Who Uses The Word "Overseas": This is the most pretentious word since closure. When someone says "overseas," I immediately stop hearing what they are saying because I am to busy trying to figure out why this dude is under the impression that I think he is important.

Dude Who Thinks Billy Crystal Is Funny: As Brett from WEEI said the other day, has this guy been relevant in fifteen years? Honestly, has he? If you say this guy is funny, what you are saying to me is that you are uninterested in being introduced to anything new.

Dude Who Went To Tufts: I especially hate you if your name is Jim and you were on my panel interview two years ago.

Good to see I've let that one go, huh?