Ladies, Could We Try Something Else Please?

Note: Portions of this post were culled from drunken rants/discussions/loud agreements from my equally idiotic siblings.

I'm really excited about Marathon Monday.

As a white person, I thoroughly enjoy the marathon.

Not because I am running in it and can take a picture of myself crossing the finish line with my number clearly visible, but because I like to drink on that day.

But what I am not looking forward to is seeing a lot of North Face jackets.

There are some fashion trends I'll never understand. Those high waisted, pleated jeans that supermodels are wearing are not good. And I'm not a huge fan of Fedoras (although if I start wearing one soon, please ignore that last sentence). And over the years, I have been guilty of many a fashion crime (I went to college still pegging my pants. Thanks for that Burlington, Mass). In fact, by this time next year, I'll probably have to purge half my wardrobe as GQ will tell me that it is out.

But I really don't get The North Face jacket thing.

If you visit The North Face website, a picture of a guy who looks like a character out of a Jack London novel can be seen hiking along what appears to be a river on Hoth. If you take an extended trip around the North Face website, you will read tales of people hiking in the Himalayas, guys running 80 mile races, and teams climbing the Karst Towers (these look kinda challenging)
in Yangshou, China. Nowhere do I see photos of sorority girls and recent Tufts grads (this is getting like Shaugnessey/Schilling) walking up in down Newbury Street as they combine their North Face with a pair of Uggs and some Sevens.

Now I understand that utilitarian clothing becomes trendy every once in awhile. I certainly didn't need all those pockets (usually used for ammunition and grenades) that were on my cargo pants in 1997 and I do not have a beret to fill the epaulets that currently adorn half my wardrobe.

But 85% of the dudes I know would die before they wore a button down with an epaulet and so my real question is how has outerwear that was designed to be worn by sherpas become THE go to clothing item for sorority girls, suburban women on their night out, and young urban moms pushing Jack and Lexi around in their Bugaboo Baby Stroller?

With most fashion trends, the said trendy item only OCCASSIONALLY shows up. Take for example the skinny tie. You can hate it all you want, but it is not EVERYWHERE you turn. Stroll through your workplace RIGHT now and you will be surprised if you see two skinny ties and those guys will probably stop wearing them because they are sick of people asking them if they are auditioning for the lead singer of a Killers cover band.

On the other hand, I can be at a bar (most likely), Target, Annas, a Red Sox game, Bloomingdales, my worthless workplace, the gas station, Whole Foods (I think they are required attire here), or the movies and I'll see 18,467 women wearing some sort of fleece pullover with The North Face emblem on it.

And that's my main issue with The North Face. The sheer volume of them. Once, I saw some girl wearing a jacket that could only be described as a cocoon and of course, she went with this larvae look because the little rainbow like quarter arc North Face symbol showed up on it. Little did she know that she looked like an oversized Tootsie Roll. Now granted, the look was ridiculous, but at the very least, she was ATTEMPTING to be different. The ubiquity of these jackets is stunning on two counts: 1) Trends rarely last this long and 2) It's shocking because women all hate each other so much and so it is a surprise that they ALL want to fashionably express themselves in precisely the same way. What ever happened to being a little different and standing out? I mean c'mon ladies! Mix it up! Please! Short of a Patriots Starter Jacket, try another form of outerwear! How about a UMass hoodie? One that is extra boxy and ill fitting though?

Anyways, the weather (theoretically) is getting warmer and so we should have a few months off from The North Face Phenomenon (unless North Face thinks to invent The North Face Tank Top). But, if it is rainy and/or below seventy on Monday, I guarantee you I will see enough North Face jackets to keep every Inuit in the world toasty warm for ten generations. I also guarantee that I will see myriad Uggs, plenty of denim skirts (too cold to do without the fleece shell, yet strangely, not cold enough to don pants) a fair share of Varitek jerseys, and plenty of pink hats. But we'll save that rant for mid September when the Sox are mired in third and the Pink Hats have all dried up.

Oh, and I bet I see a tribal or two. That is if I can still see of course.

I Can Tell That We Aren't Gonna Be Friends

Over the past couple of months, I've had to spend substantial amounts of time around a person I find to be the most loathsome person on Earth (in the interest of retaining my position as Worst Teacher in America, I have to leave his/her name out). Not only is this person a wretched human, but we have virtually nothing in common. For starters, this person has a Billy Joel ringtone on his phone.

But, it is important to point out that not even I am so shallow as to judge someone solely on their ringtone. In addition to the ridiculous ringtone, s/he has many other worthless personality traits. There are so many, that it is impossible to list them all, so I won't. Just know that I have more in common with my friends toddler aged children and 85 year old women.

Thinking about this cat, I began musing about all the other worthless dudes I come into contact with such as the really annoying dude I was talking to at the gym the other day (he corrected my lifting technique), David Cook from Idol, and the soon to be uber annoying Dustin Pedroia.

And then that got me to do MORE thinking (I bet you can smell the wood burning). What does it take for me to absolutely not be friends with someone? What are, essentailly, the deal breakers? The deal breaker phenomenon is often detailed, but it's usually on the dating scene (check out the awesome NY Times article I linked to the right).

But what will it take to be a "friend" deal breaker? Realistically, it's probably not what you originally think. You might think your friends need to have many of the same interests as you and this is true to a degree. But sometimes, you just have different interests. For example, I can't dislike one of my friends because they don't dress like me. I read GQ, they don't. It's not like I'm creating any new trends here, I'm just reading what they aren't. And that's fine. There are countless other examples, but if you really think about it, your best friends are probably not clones of you. In fact, the people that I have met who others say are exactly like me, I usually end up hating (this is a fascinating piece of my personality and one that I would pay a psychologist/sociologist unlimited amounts of money to try to explain to me).

Of course, I certainly would have a hard time being friends with a bible thumping, Christian rock listening, NASCAR fan, but in reality, I have many differences from my friends. Half my friends are staunch conservatives who I have to ask to stop using the word fag. They participate in fantasy football, drink Coors Light, and wear pleated pants, but still I'm friends with them. Why? Well, mostly because when you break it down, my good friends hold many of the same core beliefs I do (highly immoral, cynical, beer drinking, sarcastic pricks). Also, the fact that we do differ is fun and as we all know, I need to be called on my moronic behavior from time to time and so it is good having these ass clowns in my life.

So what would it REALLY take for me to realize that I absolutely cannot be friends with someone? What highly offensive, highly immoral behavior can they participate in to make me hate them forever? Lots of things. But here are a few of the dudes I would never be friends with.

Dude With Boy Peeing on Ford/Chevy Decals: I'm not even sure what the name of these stickers are, but if you have one on your truck, there is absolutely no way we can be friends. Who puts this on their truck? What guy says, "You know what would complete my truck and truly show people just who I am? Why, a sticker with a picture of a young boy urinating on my chief competitors truck." Can you honestly imagine ever putting this on your truck? The only thing that would make this person more dislikable is if they had a sticker next to it that read "Keep Working Hard. Millions On Welfare Depend On You." And lastly, could I really be friends with someone who drives a Ford pickup anyways?

Dude Who Reads Self Help Books: Yes, I know I touched on this in a previous post, but it's so wretched I need to revisit it. Here's some self help from me: Don't read self help books.

Dude Who Likes Pearl Jam Just A Bit Too Much: Let me explain. I love Pearl Jam. Always have. I have an ambiguously gay picture of me and my high school friends doing the Ten pose together in 1992. And who doesn't love Eddie Vedder (I should probably start liking him a bit more since Brad has decided to start dressing exactly like him as evidenced by his outfit on Idol Gives Back Wednesday night)? But, some people are just SOOOOOOOOOOOO into Pearl Jam and they refuse to acknowledge that over the past 17 years, other bands have released music. Plus, loving Pearl Jam gives you credibility in many circles. If you love Pearl Jam, then you are a hit with a truly manly man as all truly manly men love Pearl Jam. And any current music afficianado or indie wannabe owes many thanks to the greatness of Pearl Jam. But Vedderphiles, I ask you to just do this: BRANCH OUT! There's tons of great music out there and it's okay to try it sometime. In fact, there are even some bands who put on a live show AS GOOD as the vaunted Pearl Jam live show (this band The National that I may or may not have mentioned before comes to mind). So while I love Pearl Jam and I love those that love Pearl Jam, I cannot be around the person who thinks that the only album released in 2000 was Binaural.

Dude Who Wears Tank Tops Out: As I stated at the beginning, fashion rules aren't really fair. But to me, this really isn't even a rule. It's a fact. I think the eleventh commandment says, "Thou Shall Not Wear A Tank Top Out."

Dude With Arm Band Tattoos (I think they are called tribals): I understand tatoos. I love them. I kinda want a Millenium Falcon. But the wrap around arm tattoo? You can't be serious. Put on an Armani Exchange t-shirt, get a blow out and throw some LA Looks gel in it, go tanning, and THEN get the tribal tattoo and maybe, MAYBE I'll be friends with you.

Dude Who Actively Participates In The Sweet Caroline Sing-a-Long At Fenway: I had to sit through a lot of Ivan Calderon/Tom Brunansky/Kevin Romine/Randy Kutcher/Bob Zupcic outfields before getting to enjoy a dynasty. And what happens? A bunch of chuckahs jump on the bandwagon. I'll tell ya, I didn't see a lot of tribal tattoos at the games then. Now, everyone is a Red Sox fan. This is fine (I say it's fine, but in actuality, I think it was cooler when Luis Rivera and his excessive spitting manned the middle infield) and dandy. I understand why people jump on the bandwagon. But for the love of ham, don't be a dude and participate in the Sweet Caroline sing a long! That's for the Pink Hats, the guys who mispronounce Wily Mo Pena, and the dudes who say, "The Sox are losing 3 to 6." Plus, the only good thing about Neil Diamond is that Will Ferrel skit.

Dude Who Likes The WAAF Morning Show: I have more in common with Margaret Thatcher than I do with the guy who thinks that the wisdom Greg Hill deseminates is wisdom.

Dude Who Doesn't Like Sideways: I struggled with the movie measuring stick. I thought about substituting Pulp Fiction for Sideways, but then, if you didn't like Pulp, not only can you not be my friend, but you also have to be shot. Then I thought about discussing Caddyshack, but I've been down that road. So I settled on Sideways because if you are anywhere near the ages 30-115, you should identify with the characters. And if you don't, then you A) Know nothing about yourself or B) Are an idiot.

Dude Who Thinks Pink Floyd is "Influential": Quick, name a contemporary band that was influenced by Pink Floyd. And no, The Alan Parsons Project is not contemporary.

Dude Who Really Likes Wes Anderson: How this is not a stuff white people like entry, I don't know. But liking this guy means that you think you know something about good movies (which, if you saw Life Aquatic, you don't) and it also means that you think you are "hip." Wes Anderson has to be on the list of stuff guys who used to get shoved in lockers and now try to like psuedo-intellectual, pretentious things because they are still so upset they got shoved in lockers and want to take that feeling of inferiority and channel it into film. Man I hate Wes Anderson. And make a new movie by the way.

Dude Who Talks About Running: Shut up! If you could, you'd take the running pill too. You don't do it for the "high." This probably needs to be an entirely separate blog, but stop talking about running buddy. I get it. You run. Lots of people do. You probably suck at it and hate it like everybody else, but you still talk about it as it is an especially good thing to put in your match.com interest section as it says to the world, "no, I am not an unfit guy." The only difference between dudes who talk about running and dudes who talk about fantasy football is that... Wait, there are no differences.

Dude Who DOESN'T Like Hang Me Up To Dry: I get way people don't like songs I like and I hope they get why I hate Rush. But Hang Me Up To Dry is a song that you have to like. If you don't, I have to question what your music taste is at all. Do you like John Tesh? Reggatone? What? Spoken word? Because if you don't like this song, you don't like music and if you don't like music, we aren't gonna be friends.

Dude Who Uses The Word "Overseas": This is the most pretentious word since closure. When someone says "overseas," I immediately stop hearing what they are saying because I am to busy trying to figure out why this dude is under the impression that I think he is important.

Dude Who Thinks Billy Crystal Is Funny: As Brett from WEEI said the other day, has this guy been relevant in fifteen years? Honestly, has he? If you say this guy is funny, what you are saying to me is that you are uninterested in being introduced to anything new.

Dude Who Went To Tufts: I especially hate you if your name is Jim and you were on my panel interview two years ago.

Good to see I've let that one go, huh?

Excuse MHS, Can I Still Get My Job Back?

Well, this is disconcerting. I probably shouldn't have handed my principal a letter of resignation with all of those colorful "suggestions" about how to better do his job. Anyways, here is the email that I got early this morning:

Gerad (did I spell that right?),

I'm really sorry about the confusion, but the email that I sent to you is actually incorrect. For some reason, I got you mixed up with my other client, Tom Brady.

My assistant Doug Ross, said to me that I need to send out an email to "Tom Brady, that guy Gerard is wicked jealous of and pretends to hate."

And because I was in a meeting with Zach Braff, one of my more important clients, I only heard, "send an email to... Gerard."

So, I know this is really embarrassing, but I regret to inform you that it is not your book Penguin is picking up. In fact, it is Tom Brady's. They found his autobiography particularly riveting. They really liked how he went from a California kid to this New York urbanite in just ten years. Then they loved the part about him taking the job from some stiff named Fredsoe. They also really liked the explicit details of his relationship with Gisele. Further, they found him a better writer than you and he even knew what "apogee" meant. Penguin heard you had to look that up when you saw it in The Atlantic.

Also, I meant to say a 50 MILLION dollar advance, not 50 thousand. Really, I don't know how I confused the two of you because you are just so different. Tom is so good looking, so fit, so well dressed, so talented, so well spoken, so intelligent, so athletic, so good at Scrabble!, so good at NHLPA 95, he went to a way better college, his package is way bigger, and he's way better at his job than you. In fact, I can't think of a single way that the two of you are alike. The only real similarity is the way his body looked at the combine in 2000 and the way your body looks today. Now THERE is a similarity! If it just weren't for gorgeous, intelligent, witty Zach Braff sitting in front of me distracting the hell out of me, I may have been more diligent. Anyways, I digress...

Well, stick with it Jerad. I'm sure your book, Garden State Revisted will be a big success. My assistant's, assistant's, assitant- who is a Cape Cod Community College intern- has been reading it and he thinks it's really, REALLY great. He especially likes the part where you have a kid wearing a shirt that is the same pattern as his grandmother's wallpaper and so he blends in! Really witty stuff Gerry!

My time is precious, so I gotta run. Diablo Cody is coming in for a 10 o'clock. We are discussing her remake of Star Wars. I guess it's going to be a revisioning where she takes a look at the really funny parts of Luke and Leia's mom's pregnancy. Should be a hoot. Then I got Dane Cook at 11. He's shopping a book about all his really funny jokes, like the predator sound effect.

You know how busy I am, but nice chatting. Again, sorry about the misunderstanding. Hope you didn't post that email on your myspace or facebook or whatever it is you have. Not that anyone reads it...

Anyways, be well Gregg...

-Angie

Bloggers Note... It's a big part of the blogosphere (hook up jumper cables to my nipples now: I just used the word blogosphere) to write witty April 1 entries. Check out the one on stuff white people like. Happy I got some of you. I was going to write a piece about me being the test case for the male birth control pill, but I wanted to go with something that was a little more UNBELIEVABLE! And if you look closely, you'll notice the names Doug Ross and David Mills. IMDb these names and you'll see they are characters played by a couple of dudes I worship... I mean like. And if you took the time to google the picture that accompanied the post, well... Sorry if I really bothered anyone by the way. Now, you won't believe it when it really does happen. Which it won't...

Bye, Bye Melrose

I hate when people talk about themselves. You guys should know this by now as I rarely try to talk about myself. I have never mentioned that I was the BHS Class of 1992 Best Dressed Male. I also never mentioned that I won and Academic Award for Gym Student of the Year. And I have definitely never talked about my blog or the fact that I listened to Pearl Jam when their album title was actually Mookie Blaylock and not Ten.

But I felt like after the email I got this morning, I should definitely spend some time this fine spring morning talking about myself. I'll let this speak for itself. Here is the email I received:

Re: Big News

Hey Gerard,

I know it's been awhile. How have you been? How is school? You should be in the stretch run by now, no?

Let me cut to the chase. After several years shopping your manuscript, someone has decided to take it on. David Mills at Penguin Group- a published located here in New York- has made a tentative proposal.

The details have not been finalized, but as I mentioned last month, Penguin has been reviewing No Long term Plan heavily and they want to send it to press. They are pushing for a summer release as the feel it will make for great (and coveted!) "beach reading."

They are proposing a first run of 5,000 copies and they want to go hardcover. They originally wanted to go in the direction of a trade paperback, but I really wanted the hardcover and I know you did as well.

I do not want to get you overly excited about the final details, but I've already called you twice this morning and if you could get back to me immediately, that would be much appreciated. You will have to come out here to New York as we still need to dot some i's and cross some t's, but my early reaction is a very positive one. We have discussed money only slightly, but Penguin usually likes to go with an advance of between $50,000 and $75,000, especially given my success with Emily's books.

Doug Ross, my assistant, will be drawing up the paperwork today and he will fax it over to you. When you arrive here in New York, we can go over the contract or if you'd like, you can hire a lawyer of your own. But if you want to save yourself some money, we can use our contract attorneys here at Literary Inc. In addition, I've worked with David before, so he should use similar language and it is stuff that you will easily understand.

So I'm very excited Gerard. Your patience has paid off. It looks like you might have to find some time to get out here next week and like I said, I'll have a proposed contract for you faxed today.

Be well Gerard and congratulations. We'll talk soon...

-Angie

Looks like this teaching thing is over...