Fraud

The following is a disclaimer...

If you are a certified Oprahphile, this post will upset you. read at your own risk.

My good friend Steve is constantly calling me out on stuff. And I love it. Because I need to be called out.

So recently, while playing cards and in between sessions of marry, fuck, kill (I married Alba pre-pregnancy, fucked Biel, and killed Angie because I would never fuck or marry my boy Brad's woman), we were discussing self help books. It continues to shock me that these books not only are written, agented, printed, published, and purchased, but are always at or near The New York Times Best Seller List. And Steve said to me...

"Gerard, travel the country."

He's right. I haven't traveled the country and I should (I do not travel at all, unless Springfield counts) because I don't know many people. That said, I still can't believe that this country drinks up (like a milkshake) these goddamn self help books. And I have one person to blame for the infatuation people have with said books: Oprah.

Oprah is the very definition of fraud. I understand that her show has some good people on it. I understand that she brings awareness to causes that many of us do not know about. I understand that she donates the equivalent of the GNP of The United Arab Emirates to various charities throughout the world (but does she constantly have to remind us how much she does for charity?!?). But I will never understand how people are so bamboozled by her. Maybe these Oprah zealots ARE NOT really bamboozled by her, but they just take her for what she is, much like I do with Ryan Seacrest? I hope so.

But I cannot contain my hatred for Oprah and her goddamn book club.

This month's- or quarter or semester or whatever time frame Steadman's girlfriend uses for her book club- selection is A New Earth by a cat named Eckhart Tolle (pronounced tool I bet). Tolle-I guess- found enlightment after some spiritual journey he went on in his mid twenties. He also wrote a book called The Power of Now, which sold two million copies. I think Hallmark wrote the book The Power of Now once, only it was one line long and the cover was a bird flying over a rainbow. When you opened the cover of the card- I mean book- there was a sentence that said, "Believe in yourself NOW and IT (whatever it may be to you. Money, power, love) will happen."

That is basically what The Power of Now is about.

Now, I have no idea what A New Life is about because I haven't read it. But I can assume that it is some Zen/Buddhist rip off that Mr. Tolle calls his own ideas. And it's so good, that it is now the best selling book in America.

I work diligently to NOT rip on what changes peoples lives or what blows their hair back. I'm the guy who tell strangers on the street to see Michael Clayton, I cry every time the credits to Return of the Jedi roll, and I think Wonderwall is the greatest poetry ever concocted. So I'm a tool. I get that.

And I always support people who read. Read anything. I don't care if it's Ayn Rand or Ann Landers. Just read. (Note: I know that "Ayn" is not pronounced "Ann." It's just that Atlas Shrugged and an advice column are all I could think of in terms of two literary works that are the complete antithesis of one another.)

But don't read self help books.

They don't help. At all.

Now, Oprah naming a self help book to her book club wouldn't bother me if it weren't the fifty third such book she has placed in her club.

Why does she eat these things up so much? And why do the Oprahphiles (can I trademark that by the way?) just follow her lead and consume it as well? Is there anyone out there who will question her AT ALL? Does anyone DARE challenge the Friend of Gail? Why will no one even for one second say, "You know what? Oprah and all her self healing stuff is... Crap?!?"

And so we readers (As a loyal subscriber to Us and Entertainment Weekly, I feel confident in calling myself a reader) are subjected to listening to people talk about these horrific books that Oprah continues to shill.

Listen, I know that Oprah is not the sole person responsible for these horrific books being read, but I can't blame her audience TOO much (although I really wish I read at least ONE scathing review of The Power of Now on Amazon) because at least they are reading SOMETHING when they thumb through her selections (as opposed to the rest of the society, which reads nothing).

But why can't she select varying genres? Why does she have to continually choose the same books (memoirs of drug addicts, self help books, rags to riches stories) over and over again? Can I get some Chick Lit in there? Or maybe a current affairs book? How about a western? Or why not a Cormac McCarthy book? Granted, I'm not a huge fan of his, but at least her readers will learn a new vocabulary word (or a thousand as I have to look up four words a paragraph when I read Cormac).

And plenty of blame can be spread to Mr. Tolle. This guy makes a used car salesman seem as honest as a Supreme Court Justice. I do not believe for one millisecond that he has ANY interest in helping people at all. He wrote these books to make money and that is exactly what he is doing. If only I could have thought of that.

Anyways, I do wish people would read more books, particularly novels. I saw a statistic that said 87% of all fictional works are purchased by women (so when you write a novel about men that is marketed toward men, don't be surprised when nary a one publisher picks it up because men don't read. Or maybe publishers just think the book sucks), so it makes sense that Oprah selects the books she selects. I don't mean to stereotype, but I'm guessing her audience is largely women and so I understand why she is not opting for the story of the men at The Battle of the Bulge. As I said before, it would be nice if she mixed it up at least a little bit.

I'm bitter about the whole writing process, yes, and many of you are probably thinking that I'm taking it out on Oprah. But she deserves some heat here. She is basically keeping the publishing industry alive and she has to be blamed for pimping these ridiculous self help books that are being written by snake oil salesmen (keep in mind, she is the person that gave Dr. Phil a career and he is arguably the worst human on Earth).

Those comments you are making about my jealousy are true and I freely admit that (I still envision the outfit I'll wear on Oprah when she has me on), but they are also partially unfair. I love championing books. Good books that is. I love that publishers still make hard cover books. I love that Moby showed his book shelf on an episode of Cribs. I love going to a persons house and seeing that they actually HAVE BOOKS. I love going to readings and meeting authors (you will not meet a more pleasant bunch of famously unfamous people by the way). I love that if you email an author telling them how much you enjoy their work, they will almost immediately respond to you. So to say I am jealous is not entirely true. It's just that- like music and film- there ia some great stuff out there that people don't know about. And when someone has such an influence, as Oprah clearly does, then it is her responsibility to champion stuff that deserves it. And books about how to sort out your life are not worth championing.

Just read people. And like I say with film, read everything. Don't let Oprah tell you what to read. Take a trip through the book store and read the back of books and find something you like. Just stay out of the section with the sign that says "Self Help."

That's what alcohol is for.