In Defense of Ryan

It would seem like this is the exact type of guy that I should hate.

Strangely, I do not hate him. In fact, I kind of like him.

Ryan Seacrest is the very definition of the oft over used phrase, "it is what it is."

On last night's episode (Kristy Lee Cook is my girl of the moment by the way. I'd have her out of that tent and shopping and fine dining in three months time. Tomboy. Get Real.), Simon Cowell said that Ryan Seacrest knows his limits. And as is often the case, Simon is exactly right.

Like many people, when American Idol first aired, I didn't like Ryan. But as the show wore on and as Ryan didn't try to delve into films like his one time partner Brian Dunkleman (the funniest name since Rusty Kuntz), I started to like him. And seeing as where I hate everyone, I have to know, why hate Ryan Seacrest?

Granted, he's corny as all get out, he seems like the kid you shoved in a locker in high school, he probably drinks wine coolers, and that smile seems painfully fake. He also dates better looking women than you, backed into fame (and so what?), and he says, "Seacrest. Out."

But you know what? He's the host of American Idol, a Red Carpet reporter, and a host on E! He's not starring in a Spielberg Pic, throwing no hitters, running for Governor, or even hosting a late night talk show. In the words of Senor Hoodie, he is what he is.

And really, what has he done to annoy you? He has never made a controversial or idiotic statement. He's not overly in your face. He never thinks the show is about him. He never claims to be the second coming of Elvis or Brando or Letterman or even Dick Clark. Every time you see the guy or hear the guy speak, I get the impression that he knows he's... Ryan Seacrest. Host of America's most polarizing, yet watched television show.

Honestly, aside from the smile and his complete cheesiness, what has he done to bother you? Let's look at other television "hosts..."

He doesn't think he's God like Oprah. He's not a loud mouth like Rosie. He's not as vociferous about his political opinions as is Hasselbeck. He's not as creepy and fraudulent as John Stossel. He's not near as pathetic as Magic Johnson and Chevy Chase (there was some good TV). He's fake, but not nearly as fake as Kelly Ripa.

Is he as good as Ellen or Letterman? Absolutely not. But then again, who is? And does he have the credibility of Charles Gibson or Ted Koppel? Of course not.

But here's the thing. He doesn't aspire to be any of those. Again, he is what he is and he knows it.

Remember how much we loved Katie Couric as the cutesy Today host lobbying for men to get rectal exams? Now, she's an annoying, in over her head, nightly news anchor. And what has Seacrest "branched" out to? Why, a host on the ratings challenged E! network and a Red Carpet reporter a few times a year. And for kicks, he'll do an occassional Kasey Kassum Top 40 and throw out a long distance dedication. Again, he knows his limitations and he know his role.

It's more than just knowing his role though. He's actually REALLY GOOD at what he does. Have you ever tried talking to a group? Count how many "ahs" or pauses you have before you answer a question or rebut someone's opinion. This guy goes on live TV three nights a week and NEVER errs. He keeps the highest rated show on television moving. There is never dead air and he is never at a loss for words (granted, he was a bit caught of guard by Gary Busey, but hey, wouldn't any of us be with that crazy mofo?).

Further, he is always nice to the contestants, he never appears to be favoring ANYONE (almost to a fault) and he has a good rapport- although it can get a little kitschy- with the judges. He doesn't get bullied and he handles tears equally as well as spastic rejections.

Do other hosts of television shows do it better? Maybe. Jeff Probst is awesome on Survivor, but that isn't live. Game show hosts always keep the action moving along and no one really displays any ill will towards them (especially Regis. Remember how much we loved him on the early days of Millionaire?). But their job is different. The game itself is the show and they just kind of blend in. And Seacrest does the exact same thing. Notice it sometime. He never makes himself the focal point of the show.

I think I know why people hate him. Basically, he is this random chuckah that came out of nowhere and now we see him three nights a week on live TV. Plus, he's a bit geeky and corny, but who do you want to host American Idol? Steve Martin? Tom Brokaw? Alex Trebek? Steven Colbert? The Rock? Daniel Day Lewis?

American Idol is what it is. A silly game show that exploded into America's pop culture forever. And it probably makes people mad that they aren't getting a cut of the pie. Seacrest irritates people because they all feel that they, given the opportunity, could do his job. Well one, you didn't go for an audition and two, YOU CAN'T DO IT AS WELL AS HE DOES! NO WAY! Plus, that gap you have in your teeth and that receding hairline (guess that rotates me out) aren't going to look as good on TV as Seacrest's pearly whites and perfect coiff.

There's so much out there to hate. Garden State, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ham and Cheese subs, strep throat, white supremacists, my mothers cooking, the guy talking behind you in the movie theater, the WNBA...

So why hate a guy that by all accounts (mine) isn't even that bad of a dude and is pretty good at what he does?

Ryan, you still have to get in line behind Pitt, Clooney, Becks, Leo, and Pedro on my binkie list, but you're getting there. But if I were on the Red Carpet with you the other night, I definitely would have sucker punched Busey for you. I would have then run away and blamed it on Dennis Hopper, but still, I would have got him good for you.

The REAL Super Sunday

This will be my last movie blog until Indiana Jones comes out. I swear.

But after absolutely loving my Oscar Party and COMPLETELY enjoying what has become in recent years my favorite night of the year, I have to write one last movie related post because movies make me so happy.

In case you missed last night's show, let me recap... It was awesome.

Many people don't like award shows. They think they are long, self serving, and for the most part, completely annoying. Part of why people find them annoying is that they think that the Academy Awards reward a bunch of movies that "nobody knows."

This is both true and untrue. There Will Be Blood, Atonement, No Country For Old Men, and Michael Clayton did not make much money at the box office. But many great movies don't do well at the box office (we'll get to that later). Juno has been doing well. Every year, there is usually one or two nominees that make money and then a bunch of movies that no one sees. And that is unfortunate.

Now, I know that not long ago I posted about NOT teasing another person's interests and I still stand by that. So when a person tells me that they saw Jumper or that I Am Legend is the best movie, I try not to lose my mind. I have no problem with people watching any of these movies (heck, I just watched the Elisha Cuthbert stinkbomb Captivity) because I support watching ALL movies. And that's my point. Watch ALL movies because there are great movies out there. There are great performers, great writers, great musicians, and great directors out there. And I just want you to see them. All.

I've said before that I get very upset when people lament the "old" days of anything. People will often do this with film and obviously I get that because there are lots of amazing classic films. But film right now is amazing. Yes, there are loud, long, over CGI'ed summer blockbusters that make you long for the days of mechanical sharks and model X-Wing Fighters. But there are also great films and last night, they were on display.

Every year, I have my binkies (last year it was United 93, this year it was Michael Clayton which stars some salt and pepper haired guy I like) and every year, I have my despicables (Juno and Daniel Day Lewis. Last negative in this post by the way). But watching the show last night really restored my faith in film and it even restored my faith a wee bit in people (I'll lose that gained faith in Novemeber when Obama loses. Now THAT'S the last negative! I swear!).

Listen, no one loves the Oscars as much as me. I love the whole industry and I understand why people don't like watching. It's long and there are two many montages. But there are two criticisma I hate: That the whole night is self serving and they honor only "art house" movies that no one likes.

Let me handle the former criticism. The night is not self serving. It's amazing. And great people won last night.

As is always the case is in fields where people make a lot of money (athletes, musicians), the general public tends to automatically hate these people. We also tend to automatically hate really "celebrities" who we see making an ass out of themselves on a nightly basis (Linsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, any reality TV star).

But guess what? None of these "celebrities" are at the Oscars because they are A) Not celebrities and B) Not talented.

Last night, mega talents George Clooney (I think I've heard of him), Helen Mirren, Cate Blanchett, Tom Hanks, Joel and Ethan Coen, Daniel Day Lewis (hurts admitting that), Javier Bardem, Hilary Swank, Diane Lane, Harrison Ford, Jason Bateman, Steve Carrell, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Forrest Whitaker and Paul Haggis were present. And why were they here? Because this isn't the People's Choice Awards, The MTV Awards, or even The Grammys. It's the Oscars. That have REAL stars and REAL talents. And that's what makes the show so amazing.

Marion Cottiard, Tilda Swinton, and The Bourne Identity all had huge upset wins last night. I didn't see La Vie En Rose, but I love that the Academy went with Marion as their Best Actress. It would have been easy to pick Julie Christie or Ellen Page, but they didn't. They went with a dark horse and her acceptance speech was heartfelt. Tilda Swinton could have easily lost. Amy Ryan, Cate Blanchett, and Ruby Dee were all deserving (another reason the show was awesome), but it went to Swinton, who was so awesome in Michael Clayton (who was the star of that?). And then there is The Bourne Ultimatum. Here is a movie that everyone loves and guess what? It won three Oscars!!! So please don't say that movies nobody has heard of win Academy Awards because they do.

The greatest part of the night though happened with Best Original Song. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova won for their amazing song "Falling Slowly." Glen's speech was so impassioned and inspiring and it gave hope to any wanna be filmmaker/writer/musician who has ever recited their Oscar Speech, alone in front of a mirror (mine thanks Matt and Ben for inspiring me to write). Unfortunately, the music began and we never got to hearf from Marketa. The group of us that watched the show together was genuinely disappointed to not hear her speak. My sister was still reeling when the show returned from break. Then, something wonderful happened.

Jon Stewart, in a clearly unscripted moment, brought Marketa back out to give her speech. Three of us in the roomo cried, not so much because of Marketa's words, but because the big time production and its host realized that these two truly real individuals deserved their time amongst the stars. And they got it.

And it's small moments like that that make the Academy Awards still the only legitimate, meaningful awards show.

Yes, the Academy has had it's problems- awarding best picture to Titanic, giving Marty his Oscar for one of his more mediocre films- but for the most part, they get it right. There is no Herbie Hancock winning Album of the Yaer (I tried to come up with an Oscar equivalent of that and couldn't- maybe a great director from the 80s like Robert Altman remaking a bunch of classic films into a series of shorts and peppering those said shorts with big name stars?), no narcissistic rockers dominating the presentations (although Julia Roberts "I love my life" comment the night Denzel won put her in the category of "The Worst People Ever"), no banal and safe wins like the Emmys always have.

Now, on to the argument that no "good" movies get nominated.

The movies that should be there, are there. As with any year, there are going to be snubs. Having only five nominees for each category creates that problem. But really, go year to year, and pretty much every nominee deserves to be there. Can we ALL make an individual case for our own personal binkies? Of course. But even as much as I disliked Juno and Daniel Day Lewis, not even my irrational sense said they should ABSOLUTELY not be there.

The other problem is that the Academy tends to award movies that are not part of the mainstream. However, if they did that, we'd have the People's Choice Awards. And if that were the case, Harry Potter, Pirates of The Caribbean, Transformers, Shrek The Third, and Spider Man 3 would have been the best picture nominees. And even the biggest fanboy couldn't say these were the years best pics, should they?

The lack of commercial success does hurt the Academy Awards and it's telecast. But along with Juno, other best pic noms have made a ton of money. Over the years, box office hits like The Sixth Sense, Raiders of The Lost Ark, E.T., and Star Wars have all been nominated for Best Picture. All of this leads me to my next point.

For whatever reason (The stupidity of people? Poor Marketing? Too realistic? Too downbeat? Too... Intelligent?), many people have missed great movies when they run in the theaters. LA Confidential made five million it's opening weekend. Fargo made twenty four million total. And I'm sure you know a movie called The Shawshank Redemption. It made less than ten million dollars at the box office. In total.

Listen, I get that people like to be entertained. I love Pirates of The Caribbean and the Harry Potter movies. So see whatever you want. I certainly do. But try to see EVERYTHING. Or at the very least, take a flier on something because you might be really impressed. Don't avoid it because it's "dark" because your dark is my real. A lot of you don't want to get a sitter and then pay forty bucks for night out, only to leave the film ready to kill yourself (stay away from 4 Months 3 Weeks and 2 Days if you're not that into that "kill yourself" feeling) and I completely get that. But maybe if you have a free Sunday afternoon and Arizona Cardinals and Detroit Lions just isn't doing it for you, you should take a trip over to the cinema to check out one of these movies that everyone is talking about. Just go in knowing that you are not going to see Johnny Depp do his Keith Richards and that you might (MIGHT!) just actually have to think when you leave the theater.

My point is, we tend to miss great movies, for whatever reason. We will see them when they come out on DVD, but what if we still don't see them? There is so much great film out there and so many people are missing these great films and I just do not understand why anyone would want to miss these films. I guess it's the same thing as people missing great new bands, new books, new television shows, or new anything. But why stick to saying that The Godfather is the best film ever or that "they just don't make movies like they used to," when in fact, they do? Only they make them better.

Now that's it with the film thing. You get a movie rant rest, at least until Harrison rolls into theaters in May.

For now, just go rent Michael Clayton and thank me later. Do it. Now.

Does it look like I'm negotiating this?

"From Behind The Couch.....YES!!!!!"

My salt has all been shaken out.....

And speaking of salt, I am strangely not annoyed by Valentine's Day. I know many people hate it and I know that there are those who go way overboard and I know you should show your love for your partner everyday and blah, blah, blah. But really, it's not that bad. In fact, if you just let it go, it can be nice. It's an excuse to buy some presents (or get them, which I enjoy much more), go for a nice dinner, or eat massive amounts of chocolate. And for single people, it's actually a great night to go out. All those sad, lonely, single girls who can easily be wooed by charming dudes who talk about chick lit and Before Sunset.....

It was my friend Matt who brought this to my attention. Did you see that it took the FCC five years to levy a fine against a nude scene on the television show NYPD Blue (you know the show. Hasn't been on since *NSYNC was popular)? Is there a more irrelevant group than the FCC? They make Warrant look like the next hip, indie band. Here's a group of people who "police the airwaves" to ensure that our "children" are not being "exposed" to anything bad. However, they have no rights to oversee movie channels that come with a basic cable package like IFC and Encore. Real important those FCC folk are. And good job they are doing. We can't see a bum bum on ABC at 10 Mountain Time, but we can flip over three nights a week to 326 or 203 and see Marsellus Wallace getting ass raped by Zed and Maynard. But the best part of this news? The FCC called a woman's behind an "excretory organ." I'm gonna try that as a pick up line sometime. "Excuse me, miss, your excretory organ looks excellent in those Citizens jeans....."

I have to say, this Roger Clemens thing really does not interest me. He obviously used steroids after the "twilight of his career" (thanks Duke) and truthfully, who cares? I guess the lying under oath thing is bad, but everybody lies. I have always found it weird that you can go to jail if you lie after placing your hand on a bible and promising to tell the whole truth. Can I try that in my class when a student says he did his paper, but the printer didn't work and then if I catch him in a lie, can I prosecute him.....?

Can someone please tell me what the big deal is with GPS? I understand that yes, advances in technology are great. I'm the guy who has a wall mount TV, has owned three iPods (I can't remember life toting around that ridiculous discman), and has 3000 text messages per month, but GPS just doesn't blow my hair back. Firstly, it's not that cheap. Secondly, it's a huge target for thieves and thirdly, it doesn't work well in the cold. So on a frigid day, you can't even have access to it. I've seen it in action and it's pretty cool, but I'll still take the nine seconds to punch in a couple of addresses on google maps (a far more helpful and cost efficient invention by the way). Also, it can't work that well since it led Michael Scott to bang a right into a lake.....

If you haven't heard of them, Vampire Weekend is a great new band. Again, I'm late to the party on this one, but it is really solid. The songs are short and catchy and it has an early Police feel to it and some have said there are tons of Paul Simon similarities. It's cheap at Newbs right now, so it is totally worth the pick up. While you're there, grab the new Cat Power and the new Bob Mould. Both solid efforts.....

Is it true?!?!? Can it really be?!?!? Is this the last we've seen of Stupid Curt?!?!? At least we'll have 38pitches.com.....

It's good to see there is some backlash for both Juno and Daniel Day Lewis' performance ("I drank your milkshake!") in There Will Be Blood. Juno is the far more worthless of the two and I'm wondering how long we are going to have to suffer through "brilliant" and "original" indie comedies. I'll take the teenage dialogue in the way more realistic Mean Girls over the "quirky" (read: unrealistic) dialogue in the first twenty minutes of Juno anytime. And have you seen Ellen Page in an interview yet? You might want to fight her.....

Bill Simmons had an awesome link in his most recent column (it's to the right) about the twenty best concerts in Boston history. Many are worthless, but it's interesting to see if you were at any (I was!) and I was happy to see a few of my personal faves in Arcade Fire and Bloc Party make the list. And as if I needed to hype this band again, unbelievable The National made it. God, what a live show.....

So my friend Sheila told me that McCain made a comment about he being the only candidate with a "platform." Is this directed to his possible opponent and my boy Barack? If so, it's typical politician speak. I'll be the first to admit that Barack has had very little to say about what his real agenda is, but I bet you can go back in history and retrace ANY presidents words and see that their pre election rhetoric was all complete bullshit. This is completely unscientific and I have zero statistics or quotes (other than H.W. "read my lips, no new.....") to support it, but something tells me that not every president has been able to "cut spending, decrease taxes, create jobs, protect our country, educate our children, feed starving children, solve the AIDS epidemic, win the war on drugs, give equal rights to all, and make us less reliant on foreign oil." So when you right wingers and centrists do not vote for Barack, please refrain from using, "I didn't vote for him because he has no platform," because none of them have a platform. And if they do, it can't be enacted. So just tell us the real reason you didn't vote for Barack and that's because he's a Muslim who doesn't pledge allegiance..... (By the way, please tell me you got my sarcasm there. Especially those who "stumble" on this blog)

With the super bowl hangover (ha, ha!) and the impending start of spring training, it has been easy to miss the Celtics, but they are fast becoming one of the most likable teams in recent Boston memory. There is not a Curt Schilling or Rodney Harrison in the group and Doc Rivers is the anti Belichick. They might have the most likable person in the NBA (and maybe on Earth) in Kevin Garnett and their role players are all lovable (the almost entirely white Garden audience seems to love the "gritty" Scalabrine the best). Rondo has morphed himself into a game changer and the Celtics are so different when he is not on the floor. Ray Allen is the man, Pierce has always been unfairly criticized (he's a gamer who plays hurt and fears no one), and guys like Perk, Powe, Big Baby, and Eddie House do nothing but endear themselves to the fans. If you're not on board yet, read some articles and watch some games. You'll love this team.....

The Burren may have jumped the shark. Once the greatest Irish Pub around, it has turned into Somerville's version of The Harp. There are more untucked striped shirts and dudes who wear hats out than I've seen since I went to Trinity twelve years ago. It's still great on a weeknight and it still pours the best Guiness (and it helps that the bartender who knows me so well always gives me a couple free rounds), but it might be time for old pub goers like me to relocate to the Field or Magouns. Plus, the last time I was there, half of Melrose showed up. Never a good thing when you're local watering hole has turned into a suburbanite haven.....

A friend of mine recently created a blog and on her "faves" page she listed Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice as one of her must reads. I read it once in college (which likely means that I was ASSIGNED the reading and probably watched the movie instead), but couldn't remember it (probably because I didn't read it). So I recently read it again and it is unbelievable. Now, I'm not trying to be that pseudo-intellectual guy who appreciates fine 19th century British Literature, but this is such a timeless story. Yes, it's a period piece, but between the hilarity of Mr. Bennet, the lovable, feisty Lizzie, and the amazingly poignant relationship between Lizzie and Jane, this book is simply tremendous. While it is no To Kill A Mockingbird, I enjoyed it way more than many of the other "classics" I've tried reading (I'm talking to you Jane Eyre) and I recommend it to anyone looking to change up their Bridget Jones reading habits and check out something different.....

Not sure what the Sox are planning on doing with both Ellsbury and Coco, but given what the Mets gave Minnesota to get Santana (which was players who aren't good), you have to wonder why the Sox didn't jump back in on the sweepstakes one last time. Couldn't they have at least TRIED to woo the Twins with a package of Coco, Lester, and Masterson? You gotta think the Mets would have preferred that package to the one they got which by all reports, was junk.....

If there is anyone out there looking for something fun to do on a Sunday afternoon in March, there is a great 5K in Davis. It starts late enough to sleep off Saturday's hangover, it's short, and the post game festivities are a blast (we can avoid The Burren). And it might be the second best day of the year, after Valentine's Day to you know..... Meet people.....

Anyone see that 92.9 has gone to a new format? It's called "adult alternative" and you get some pretty good tunes on there. Granted, they play too much Linkin Park and Chili Peppers, but I've heard some nice mid nineties rockers like Sponge and Toad The Wet Sprocket. And the best part? They've taken a page from satellite radio and gone DJ free.....

My Super Bowl Sunday is a week from this Sunday and I'm so excited. What is my Super Sunday? The Oscars dummy! It's a wide open field with zero clear front runners (although Chigurh better yolk a best supporting) and some great nominees. The documentary category is stacked (although they left out The King of Kong which was utterly amazing) and still no one knows where the best pic statue is going. If you've read this blog at all, you know who I am pulling for and who I am NOT pulling for. I can't wait for Pitt (imagine he loses to De Niro?) to snag a nomination. It'll be one of these years and when he does, I might root harder for him than I did the night UMass came thisclose to beating Kentucky in The Final Four. We almost had'em Giddel Padilla.....

Finally (and this is really only for the dudes), there might not be a better cost to fun ratio than a Nerf Basketball Hoop. My bro and I recently picked one up and I don't think we've used something more frequently than this. In fact, it's so great that I can't believe it took me twenty six months to think to buy one. And guess what it cost? $2.99!!!!! Think about that? What can you get for $2.99? Virtually nothing. And you most certainly can't get something this fun. So pick one up. Of course, your apartment/home is probably classier than mine, so you probably won't have it in the living room, but throw it in your basement or in your office at home or at work. I'm telling you, it's so much fun. It's particularly fun when you've had a few beers or when you make up insane rules like if you shoot an airball, your opponent gets a free chuck at your nuts.....

Yeah I'm 34. Worse than that, YOU'RE friends with me.....

"Well Allow Me To Retort"

I think I'm doing something really wrong. Because I don't get many comments and when I do, they can be tough. Or, I'm doing something really right, because as I said to another commenter (is that even a word?), I'm writing stuff that is at least having an impact.

On Monday, I opened my email to find an epicly acerbic comment from a reader who said they "stumbled" across my blog. Similar to what happened when that other person "stumbled" across my blog, I got jacked and pumped. Even though this comment (to read it, scroll down to the Your Oh So Precious Time post and read the comments) was more acidic than the blood of the alien in Alien, I was happy to think that someone fell upon my blog. But then people who read the comment (all four of the people registered for the threedaysiskindamoney fan club) started pointing something out. Something which I failed to notice (maybe I am intellectually inferior).

The commenter DEFINITELY knows me and might even know me well.

Now listen, I'm not whining. I fully understand that this thing is ON THE INTERNET and so anyone can read it. If you google me, it'll come up (granted, it shows up on page 14 or something).

I also know that I AM THE ONE who set up the comments so they can come in anonymously. I actually really like it that way. It's fun to create a dialogue and have arguments. If you know me even a bit- and you do mystery commenter (there's that word again!)- then you know that I love to inspire healthy debate. Sitting around talking about cars and showing pictures of babies gets boring. That's why you people keep me around: To start debates, have irrational opinions, and be unable to defend myself when you have a solid rebuttal (you know this has happened when I say, "Yeah..... but still")

But I guess what has bothered me today (thanks friends and family for pointing out how this person DEFINITELY has it out for me!) is what this comment COULD be.

I really hope that one of you is messing with me. Or, I hope that an embittered ex has discovered my blog. My biggest hope (and the most unlikely) is that people really, REALLY like to write vitriolic stuff to someone they have never met because said stranger inspires such TREMENDOUS dialogue with their writings.

But it has been brought to my attention that maybe, possibly, this person who wrote this is a "friend." And if that is the case well, that's pretty sad.

It's sad because I don't need any more friends. My brother frequently teases me that I have too many. I will happily rotate a few of you out (especially you McLoughlin. You're too happy and positive about our work. I need the salty guy back. And you're out too Matt Leary. Your love of Tom Brady is too much. And Mirasolo. You're from Billerica so it might be time to kick you out.).

But seriously, if this really is someone I know and you Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. Cowardly Commenter, have always wanted to say something to me, doing it this way is pretty sad. Yes, I am a "child," afraid of being intellectually inferior (I'm especially scared of this when I'm around a certain AP English teacher at MHS who clearly knows way more about everything than me) who blogs and has a lame ass job. I'm also an obnoxious, loud mouth who always thinks he's right (By the way, doesn't everybody always think they are right? Isn't that why we have the opinions we have? I wouldn't be of the opinion that Daniel Day-Lewis sucks if I didn't think I was right), thinks he's cools, and thinks he wears good jeans.

But I also know I am a pretty good friend. Any one of you can say anything to me. I'm always up for a good time. Through my therapist, I've learned to be an active listener, I'll pick up the occassional tab, and I'll give you a ride to the airport (even you Keith Hernandez).

And so if this was someone who is a "friend" and has written this bitter comment, then allow me to retort.

You are spineless.

You are absolutely SPINELESS. You are without spine.

The world of cyberspace is the perfect place for the nameless and faceless to vent frustrations. You need not worry about a response from the person receiving your inane diatribe. You can spend hours crafting exactly what you want to say. You can even have a friend help you out. You don't have to worry about shaking or being bitch slapped into reality by a person unafraid to back down from confrontation. You are probably the same person who emails or texts, rather than calls, your best friend when you blow off a night out with them. You don't want to have to face ANYTHING, so you go the pathetic way of electronic mail to convey your message.

Now, you may feel that I am a child and I may not want to feel intellectually inferior to anyone. This is true by the way. But then again, who wants to feel intellectually inferior? This is the same reason why I do the Boston Globe Crossword as opposed to the NY Times one. It is probably the same reason why you talk about I Am Legend at a cocktail party when when all the smart film snobs are talking about 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days.

But what is worse? Me feeling intelluctually inferior or you just feeling COMPLETELY inferior, because anyone who feels comfortable with themselves would probably just look at me and my posts; shake their heads; and laugh?

But instead, mother superior, you decided to go on some high and mighty rant about ALL of my negatives.

Apparently, you feel like you have me pegged. You feel you have "exposed" me to my four loyal readers. You feel that you- alas- purged yourself of a great deal of bitterness. You probably even felt proud of your response for a moment. You feel like you really got me and stuck it to me. You may even like your cutesy, little ending and your arm chair psychological analysis.

However, I've got to tell you something. I pay a therapist good money to tell me how worthless I am. And when I'm not paying her, I'm sitting at lunch with my real friends as they tell me what a clown I am (and how stupid my top ten actor list is). And when I'm not sitting at lunch during the week, I'm likely out with my friends who shake their heads at my preposterous comments and call me out on being an idiot. Anyone who knows "Big G"- as you clearly do- knows that I am an idiot. And so you too should know that. Better than anyone else, in fact, seeing as where you clearly know me so very well.

You should also know a few other thing, mainly that you are garbage. Is that a circular argument by the way? Too big of a word? Then let me use this: You are a weakling of epic proportions. You have a backbone as strong as Dick Rumsfeld's speaking ability. You are more cowardly than Corporal Upham when he wouldn't go up the stairs to save Private Mellish. You are weaker than Trot Nixon's hamstring. You are more cowardly than me attempting to bench two plates.

Is this linear enough for you? Were the words small and understandable? I can supply a link to dictionary.com if need be.

If it's not, I've got more. Call me all the names you want. Deride me until the sun burns out. But if you really are a friend and didn't have the spine to confront me on ANYTHING in person, then please leave my life. Forever.

But I really hope this wasn't a friend.

Now, in an attempt to end on a light note, I really hope it is one of you fuckers fucking around with me. And if it is? WELL DONE! You got me! Hard core. Just know I'm "forgetting" my money the next time we go for drinks.

And if this is an ex of any type, I understand your anger. I really do. In fact, I'm sorry. For whatever I did. I was young, stupid, brash, arrogant (well, I'm still kinda that, but less so), and well..... Prickish. So..... Sorry. If you ever see me out, say hi. I'll buy you a cosmo and apologize to you in person. And then I'll say to my friends, "That was the crazy girl who sent rants on my blog!" (Really, I won't say that. Or at least I'll leave out crazy. I know women don't like that word very much. In fact, you may like syphilis more).

And on the odd chance this is ACTUALLY a random person, well..... I'm not sure what I have to say, other than you take yourself more seriously than John Mayer takes himself. Or you are unfamiliar with blogs. Or you have no idea what the op/ed section of a newspaper is. For my next post, I'll report the weather here in Boston.

Anyways, I'll be back with a real post tomorrow. I've had lots percolating, so, just to warn you, it may be a Shaughnessey emptying out the desk drawer of the mind one.

Speaking of which, how many hateful emails do you think he gets per day (most signed, S. Smerlas, Sudbury)? I'm betting 24,187 since everyone I know hates the guy. So I guess I should stop whining now. It's pathetic. And I could certainly have it worse.

I mean, every one of you probably has like three or four negative things to say about me, correct?

"But We Wanted To Look like Daft Punk"

While the writers strikes moves into another month and we are burdened with more reality shows (it's official : The opening episodes of American Idol are as bad as The Edsel), there is some good to report.

HBO still can crank out great television shows.

With the end of The Sopranos and a long wait until Vinnie Chase and the boys are back, many have been saying that HBO is struggling (Yes, John From Cincinatti was bad) and its programming has been supplanted by other cable networks like Cinemax and AMC. If people think that, then they haven't been watching Flight of the Conchords and In Treatment.

In Treatment is the story of Gabriel Byrne's therapist Paul and Monday through Friday for the next nine weeks, he'll see a different patient from 9:30-10:00 each night. The show works in real time (and unlike 24, the characters actual voice a need to use the bathroom) and it is set solely in Paul's office for a 30 minute therapy session. Each night of the week tracks a different character (there is a woman in her mid twenties contemplating "settling down," a married couple with different views on children, a soldier haunted by battlefield trauma) and on Friday nights, Byrne checks in with his own therapist (apparently, all good therapists are in therapy themselves).

The show could be painfully cheesey and trite, but it does a great job of NOT being that. At 30 minutes without commercials, the show works incredibly well. We have seen the likes of this show before, but usually it's been a REALITY show and I think what makes this show work so well is that it is FICTIONAL. That might not seem to make much sense as you would most likely think that a show about people in therapy would work better if they were REAL PEOPLE (like that show Intervention), but for whatever reason, those therapy shows about "real" people have never been particularly interesting (probably because "real" people are not that interesting).

In Treatment works where so few reality shows have worked and it is probably because the show has much more real characters. Now, I know this is making as much sense as a jigsaw puzzle of outer space, but often times, reality shows have people who know they are on television so it ceases to become real. Well, In Treatment and it's creators don't have that to worry about so instead, they have invented tremendous characters with very real story lines. I have found it easy to identify with ALL of the characters on this show and it is a testament to not only the great writing, but also the superb acting that it is all able to work so well.

Gabriel Byrne as Paul, a therapist with plenty of his own issues (I hope my therapist has this many issues, thus it will make me feel like less of a freak), owns the screen every night. Last night's episode was particularly fascinating as the viewer can CLEARLY tell that he is struggling with some of his own relationship issues. I will be interested to see how the Monday (Laura) treatments go because it is an easy story line and one that could become frustrating if the shows creators move it down a road that would be a simple (albeit scandalous) one.

It'll be interesting to see where the show goes, but given the dearth of good (any?) programming out there, In Treatment is well worth a watch. Particularly if you yourself have ever been in therapy. Not that I would know anything about that.

The even better show though, is Flight of the Conchords. Now, I'm way late getting to the party here. The show premiered in June, but it hasn't exactly burned up the Nielsen ratings (but it has sold a nice number of DVDs) and for whatever reason, NOBODY is talking about it. And that is an absolute sin.

Several times on this bloviating blog, I've lamented the lack of good comedy out there. Well, this show is good comedy. No, it's GREAT comedy. And then some.

Flight of the Conchords is the story of a two man (Jemaine and Bret- you'll like them right away) band from New Zealand (the fourth most popular folk parody duo in said country) who moves to The Lower East Side of Manhattan to make it big. They are assisted by their bumbling manager and employee of the New Zealand Consulate, Murray. They have one die hard fan in Mel and one pal Dave, who lives at home with his parents.

During the half hour show, Bret and Jemaine break out into song (Business Time, Mot Beautiful Girl In The Room, Cheer Up Murray) and many of these can be found on youtube. These musical clips are also what has given the show any of the popularity it currently has.

But it is not the songs or the side characters that make the show so amazing. Like all great comedy, the key is having the CENTRAL CHARACTERS be hilarious. It's easy to have secondary and tertiary characters who are there for "comic relief," but what seperates hilarious from pretty funny is great leads. On Seinfeld, Jerry was the funniest. Everyone loves Kramer (pre racist rant) and George, but face facts. It is Jerry that drives the show and it is Jerry who is consistently hilarious (too much George is never a good thing as evidenced by the unfunny Curb Your Enthusiasm). In Napoleon Dynamite, Uncle Rico is a hoot, but the film wouldn't be half as funny as it is without Napoleon asking if the chickens have large talons. Same with Austin Powers. The secondary characters are great, but the film is comedy legend because of..... Austin Powers.

Anyways, you get my point. Good comedy NEEDS great leads and Bret and Jemaine are as funny as they get. I'd love to see these guys in an interview, because they are amazingly self deprecating, do a wonderful job of staying in character, and have some of the best comedic timing I have ever seen. The show never takes itself seriously, but yet it is super original and outstandingly creative. The fact that EVERYONE is not talking about this show is an absolute crime because it is the funniest things that has been put on television since..... Well, since Seinfeld.

I like The Office and I've chuckled at How I Met Your Mother, but so much of Flight of the Conchords is fresh. As I said, the songs are great (and surprisingly catchy) with funny lyrics and comical videos, but it is everything else that makes the show tick. Bret and Jemaine have some of the freshest, most memorable, and creative lines I have ever heard. If more people watched the show, some of the lines would be as oft quoted as lines from Seinfeld, Napoleon Dynamite, and even Pulp Fiction. This is a bold statement yes, but so much of what they write/say is both tremendously original and timeless. And so I have no problem putting this show in the rarified air of those oft quoted classics.

Also, even though the show is on HBO, Bret and Jemaine fall back on none of the cliche jokes that many comedians use for an easy laugh. There are no fart jokes, no masturbation jokes, no excessive swearing (in fact, there is hardly any swearing at all). And the only sexual joke (wacked off) that i can remember comes because the Kiwis misspeak and try to pass off their error as "New Zealand lingo."

Instead of Superbad/Knocked Up overused humor, there are timeless lines like, "Why would I stand next to a big magnet Murray?" There are tons of Napoleon moments in the show and if you liked that humor, there is no way you WON'T like the humor in Conchords.

But the humor is by no means "niche" humor. If you have half a brain (which I guess America doesn't), then there is no way you CANNOT appreciate the freshness of the storylines and the writing. Further, it is the subtlety of the show that makes it so great.

Much like Seinfeld- where everyone remembers the main parts of the episodes (Frogger, The Soup Nazi, Master of Your Domain)- it is all the LITTLE stuff that is so hilarious. Bret and Jemaine take no epsiodes off and they work to make every conversation, every scene, so subtley hilarious. They do not bank on one big laugh or one big song (and they could easily do this). Instead, they craft every episode with subtle comments ("that was a great epsiode of the dog show") and hilariously inane conversations that DO NOT insult the intelligence of the audience. That is something that so few comedies today do. Instead of hitting you over the head with gratuitous swearing and forced yelling, Conchords uses great writing ("I'm not crying. It's just been raining..... On my face.") and quiet acting to carry it. It really has the potential to be a classic. Check this out.....

Murray: Look at him with all of his friends. They follow him. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. The Pied Piper was a good musician wasn't he?
Bret: He wasn't cool.
Murray: Yes, he was.
Bret: He took all of those kids into a cave
Murray: No. Before that phase. When the rats were following.
Jemaine: Listen, the Pied Piper isn't cool and neither is Todd.

So turn off The Bachelor and don't throw in your Office DVD yet. There IS some good TV out there. You just have to find it.

HA HA!

Today's post was supposed to be about all the things that- in addition to the Patriots and their fans- I hate. It was going to be really angry. I'd been thinking of things that I hate for two weeks, like the book Eat, Pray, Love and the word "spread" when it is used to describe the food layout for an event. But then something strange happened.

I became gleefully and blissfully happy.

Nobody likes a trash talker. I get that. And everything that needs to be said about the game has been said. But this isn't about the game. This is about why I (and many others apparently) hate The Patriots.

Since 2002, I've had Tom Brady pictures cover my office, I've had a friend buy me a "Brady Bunch" shirt, I've had veteran teachers who I'm friendly with but not friends with ask, "What's Drew doing this week?" I've had my brother say, "DREAMY!!!!!" after each and every tremendous Tom Brady performance. I've had people email me pictures of Brady looking fit in Stetson ads and I've had people email me articles about Tom Brady winning the Best Dressed Man Alive award (besting Beckham and Pitt mind you).

And last night I received the best compliment I've ever received from my friend Steve: I've been a good sport about it.

I feel like I have been. I whine and cry and complain and bitch. All the time. It's what I do. I complain that "my controller isn't working" when I lose a video game and I whine about an opposing team getting easier questions when I lose a game of Trivia Pursuit. I whine about luck and injuries and stupid guys playing well when I lose in fantasy baseball and I call everyone stupid when a movie I think stinks wins an award. And I cry like a sophomore who just got dumped by her boyfriend when the political candidate I support loses. But at the end of the day, you can always tease me about it. I'll take it.

I put myself out there. In fact, I like putting myself out there. I could not, but I do. I'm sure it's entertaining for many of you. But I do it, partly because it allows the attention to be on me (well, thats mostly it), but I also do it because the world would be a pretty boring place without obnoxious pricks like me.

But every once in a great while, I make a prescient statement (getting Carlos Beltran for a buck fifty in '97, deciding to shovel the night before the snow froze over). And then every once in a great while, something goes my way (actually, I shouldn't say every once in a great while. My life has been pretty charmed relative to most).

Last night, something went my way. And seeing everyones reaction to my reaction has been pretty upsetting. And funny.

Did you expect me to come in and fold my hands and talk about Tiger's win at Dubai? If you did, sorry to disappoint. Plus, that would be painfully banal.

In recent years, I haven't watched the Super Bowl. I did this year because I had a couple of good places to go. Also, I wanted to see the outcome of this one either way. Further, as I said at the outset, I was ready for one hell of a cranky post. Needless to say, I've had to change speeds.

Last night, a couple of people asked me why I hate the Patriots so much. This is both a fair and an unfair question. It's fair because I love domination- perhaps more than anyone- and so it would seem this is the perfect team to love. Also, the team is absolutely not hatable. It's got a bunch of dudes who are right up my alley (Moss, Samuel, Merriweather, Hobbs, Maroney) and they have a quarterback who I should probably have a man crush on. And they are my home team.

But it's unfair because why does anyone hate any team? Why do Patriot fans hate Manning? He seems funny and not pompous and he plays hurt and all that good stuff. Why do Bostonians hate all things New York? It's the greatest city on Earth and if you take a walk through the Lower East Side on a June Saturday, you'll see no Yankee/Met/Jet/Giant yahoos. It's a melting pot of personalities, cultures, and tastes and for the most part, New Yorkers couldn't care less about Boston and their sports teams.

So all hatred of sports teams is both rational and irrational. I have never lied about mine. I loved Drew Bledsoe (saw a Washington State Alumni license plate holder this morning by the way). He lost his job to Tom Brady and Tom has done what Drew never could and that's be WICKED GOOD.

But in recent years, I've come to hate the Patriots not just because of Dreamy Tom, but because of their yahoo fans. In the past months, I've read articles about how fans have pregame chants and wear Bill Belichick wigs on the days of Patriots games. I've read articles about guys who dress up as Captain America (how exactly is a comic book character related to the New England Patriots again?), paint their heads (THEIR WHOLE HEADS!) and call themselves Mr. Freeze (Side Note: I can no longer be made fun of for "having no life" because I blog and have a Star Wars shelf for these Football Super Fans are off the loser charts. They are only not teased because they do the geekiest of geeky things in honor of something "manly" like football.). I've read about what XXXL Official Patriot Jersey you choose to you and wear says about your personality. And I've also listened to A LOT of WEEI. Or should I say, The Church of Bill Belichick.

In case you haven't listened to WEEI (The Big Show in particular), you might not know that the four horsemen and their disciples (the kool aid drinking super fans) gush about the greatness of the Patriots and their HC, Bill Belichick. They've been at it all year and boy have they sounded smug.

No one likes smug. No one likes arrogant. And no one likes trash talkers. That's why people love seeing me lose in Scene It, they love seeing Clemens accused of steroids and for all of you Pats Super Fans who can't see it right now, people love seeing you and your Patriots lose.

If the fans were different- if someone locally would have actually ripped Belichick for the videotaping, if an out of towner actually enjoyed their trip to Foxboro- then maybe people would feel for your team. Seriously. Because like I said a few paragraphs ago, who hates this team? What's to hate about Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, that O line? Who hates Ben Watson or Stephen Gostkowski? They don't DO anything hateable! They don't have sound bites whining about practice and they don't walk off the field with two seconds left (just their coach does). The team is pretty likable. There is no A-Rod or Kobe to be found among them. No villain, no despicable wife beater. Just a bunch of guys who are really..... Boring.

But what is so utterly unlikable is the fanbase. For months and months, the Patriot fans have smugly gone about and touted (rightfully so by the way) the greatness of their team. They have worn the jerseys, proclaimed their domination, and laughed at all who tried to challenge the mighty P-Men. They have become The NFL's Yankee fans.

And I have absolutely no problem with this by the way. Talk up a storm. They should have been proclaiming domination because, after all, they were dominant (key word being were).

But what I have a huge problem with is the reaction of the Patriot fans in the wake of all us. You lost. Take it. You've been running your mouths for five months and now you can't anymore and people are happy. They are happy to see YOU (not so much the team) lose.

And so OF COURSE we Patriot Haters (me in particular) are going to laugh and talk trash.

What did you expect us (me) to do? Shut up? Bigger men might have, but bigger men we (I) are not.

So six years of Bledsoe taunts and a fleet of Brady emails later, all I have is today. So quit whining about it. Take your medicine and realize that every action has a consequence. Your incessant bravado never contemplated that there might be a loss. Well there was. And I love it.

So stop asking me why I hate the Patriots and stop complaining about my and the rest of the countries gloating. You had your five month run. You should have been prepared for the possibility of a loss, but you weren't.

And now you have to face a few weeks of gloating from the Patriots haters. Let me tell you that there are plenty of us and gloat we will. But let me also tell you that it will all be over soon. I'll get bored with it. Probably by tonight.

But take heart sports fans. Next year will bring a new football season and the Patriots will likely be back in the super bowl. And for all of you whining that I'm gloating, you can gloat tomorrow when Obama get's his ass kicked and I'm whining about the country being full of racists.

Until then, bye bye Pats Fans. Sorry Pete, Fred, Steve, and Big O. Sorry Captain America and Mr. Freeze and old guys in Starter Jackets. At least pitchers and catchers report in less than two weeks.

But I think that you can only wear your Spider Man costumes to Fenway. Ownership doesn't like Captain America.