Is Your Money On This Guy or Axl In a Fight?

Sorry this took so long. Between the drinking and the drinking, I haven't had time to blog. Plus if you can believe it, I've actually had to do work at work. Never a good thing.....

Anyways, how funny was that last story? Clooney vs. the Faabinator? Are you serious? And so that got me to thinking..... What battles would be just as comically worthless? What would I love to see, if for no other reason that laughing really hard. Well, Icame up with ten battles that are on the level of clooney v. fabio. Granted, it's not very timely since that Clooney story is now a month old, but I started this awhile ago and wanted to finish. The next one will be better.....

1. Steve Mirasolo v. Andre The Giant (The living version)- I love my boy Steve. As he will tell you 9 seconds afer meeting him, he is state znd new england wrestling champion (Of course, this is coming from a guy who still references his Class of 1992 Best Dressed Superlative). But really, what could he do against Andre? He'd certainly be talking a ton of trash and saying how he's gonna "tah the shit outta ya roof Andre!!!!" He might also pull out his tooth in an attempt to distract The Giant. And yes, Steve would have some quickness but Andre would just wear him down with hilarious lines like, "Anybody want a peanut?" And like the Clooney/Fabnio thing, no one is rooting for Mirasolo, not because we don't like him, but because we all love Andre.

2. Jay Z v. Ini Kamoze- Jay Z is the self proclaimed greatest rapper alive. Ini Kamoze is the guy who wrote a song titled, "Here comes the Hotstepper." What do you think Ini is doing as you read this? Tarring Mirasolo's roof?

3. Tom Brady v. Hugh Millen- Remember Hugh Millen, the quarterback during the darkest days that any franchise has ever seen? Before Madden Football became the cultural annoyance that it currently is, it used to be just another game for Sega Genesis. It wasn't nearly as good as NHL 95. But I do remember playing it with The Patriots once. I think Leonard Russel was their running back. As it just so happens, Hugh Millen was the teams quarterback (both in real life and in the world of pixelization). Hugh Millen had an overall rating of 17. At 5'10", 185 pounds, with 7.4 forty speed and hands of stone, I think there is outside chance that my overall rating might be higher than 17. I zip passes to my brother in the living room and I once took the wonderlicht test (online) and did well. So I might definitely be an 18. So really, imagine him coming out right now and saying Brady isn't that good? Imagine him telling us that Brady is "not a man." Awesome.

4. Led Zeppelin Fans v. The Eagles Fans- Who cares who wins this? I just had to write about two bands who I hate so much and are so irrelevant somehow being relevant again. But seriously, don't you want to meet the people buying and then actively listening to these albums? And wouldn't you love to get in on an Eagles/Zeppelin debate (I'm not sure why this would happen, but then again, Andre The Giant is dead) and listen to the pearls of wisdom that the fans of these bands would be disseminating? Do Eagles fans meet in chat rooms and discuss what's better, this new album or hell freezes over? And do Zeppelin fans discuss the cultural importance of a song about Lord of the Rings?

5. Michael Scott v. The NAACP- Nothing needs to be said here..... Just imagine sit back watch, enjoy, and feel eerily uncomfortable.

6. Anton Chugrh v. "The Don't Taze Me Bro" Guy- "Anton! Anton! Don't taze me bro!" Anton's response in calm, creepy voice, "I will not taze you. Taze is not a weapon I have." Then he slaughter house airguns him in the head.

7. Jonathan Papelbon v. The President of Mensa- Ever hear Papelbon talk? I mean seriously, have you actually listened to it? He makes up more words than George Bush. On Letterman, Papelbon used Bedazzle as an adjective as in, David Ortiz is a bedazzler." Think that's a question on the Mensa Test? And why does it always seem like he's yelling?

8. Bill Clinton v. My Mother- This would be the world's most enjoyable political debate. My mother hates no human more than she hates Bill Clinton. My mother is also not really as intelligent as Bill Clinton. She would just start yelling about illegals and then segue into how Clinton is responsible for all the problems in America (she really thinks that he is responsible for all of the problems. Seriously. From Staph infections to the inability of Willie Parker to hold onto the football, she thinks Clinton is responsible). So, I'd love to see him turn to her and say, in his calmest most sincere Arkansas-esque tone, "I like you Jane. My wife is responsible for developing a health care program that will allow you to live til 103 and torture your children forever." Then my mother will love him.

9. Boggs in The Shawshank Redemption v. OJ- Wouldn't you love to see OJ running around the film room, trying to get away from OJ? That would make all clips of him playing golf and searching for his wife's killer much less irritating.

10. Axl Rose v. Diamond David Lee Roth- It be awesome if these two just duked it out, both verbally and physically. You'd have Diamond Dave doing Scissor kicks on Axl's head and then you'd have Axl chucking microphone's at Diamond Dave. And what do you think they'd wear to the bout? Would Axl go kilt or white Spandex? Does dave keep the current haircut or does he go back to the Hulk Hogan/Chris Kaman balding mullet? I can't believe that MTV show Celebrity Death Match never came up with this.

Bonus: Me v. Zach Braff or Dane Cook or Curt Schilling or Judd Apatow- There is pretty much nothing I'd beat them at, but I'd like to battle them in that American Gladiator Joust game just so I could get a cheap shot on one of them as i'd cheat and swing right before the bell rings. That would make me really happy. Plus, it would all make you happy to see me lose to these guys and then cry like the Ravens. Which I hardly ever do.

Don't Worry My Man, I Got Your Back

In case you missed Access Hollywood or TMZ this week (I know you didn't Franks), there has been an ongoing feud between George Clooney and Fabio. Yes, that's right. Fabio. Is feuding. WITH GEORGE CLOONEY (I hate when people write in caps but I just had to do it here. And you'll see it again by the way.)!!!!!!

I do not ordinarily find the tabloid goss all that exciting, but I have been tracking this nugget as closely as Frank Drebin tracked the would be Assasin of Queen Elizabeth.

Why? Because truly, this is nothing short of the most amazing tabloid story of 2007 and it is not getting near the play it should be.

For the uninformed, this all started about three weeks ago when my man George confronted Fabio for disrupting a dinner he was having with his girlfriend of the moment. Fabio responded with this verbal tirade:

Actor Fabio has branded George Clooney "a low-class scumbag" after allegedly insulting female diners at a Hollywood restaurant. The romance icon stunned diners at the swanky Madeo eaterie when he exchanged fighting words with Clooney on November 2. But Fabio insists he was defending guests at his charity function and was forced to take action when a female dining companion complained Clooney called her "a fat cow." He says, "(George) was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him. So I went to the table and explained to him that we were having a charity dinner and I said, 'You're more than welcome to come to my table and see if there was a picture of you.' I apologized and he started being rude so I put him in his place. After I put him in his place - you know I'm three times his size - he got a little scared. I went back to my table and as soon as I sit down he paid his bill, got up and he started insulting the girls. He called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant. You have to be a low-class, scumbag to start calling a woman a name. If you're a man, you should never. You should be a gentleman. These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He's not even half a man."

Sidebar: My favorite part was when Fabio said he "put him in his place." How did he do that exactly? By showing George his iMDB page and pointing out that he has been on Arli$$ and Hollywood Squares and George hasn't been? Or did he do this by taking off his shirt and challenging my man to a push up contest? My second favorite part is when Fabio says he is "three times his size." I didn't know Fabio was the same size as a small horse. And lastly, I love when Fabio said "he (Clooney) was lucky he ran out of the restaurant." Picture George, ditching his girlfriend and fleeing the place like Constanza leaving a birthday party when a fire erupts. I digress.....

Back to the task at hand.

I would not enjoy all of this so much if it were Johnny Depp and George Clooney fighting. No doubt, the gossip world would be abuzz with the tale of those two legends battling, but not me. That would be entirely unfun. This is a hoot. Instead of being in a tizzy about a Depp/Clooney clash, I'm abuzz about a Z list celebrity somehow making it into the tabloids by calling George Clooney a scumbag (also hilarious is that Faabs called the 21st century icon a scumbag, a word ordinarily reserved for high school drug dealers and creepy mall security guards). And so I ask you.....

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU FIND THIS AS HILARIOUS AS ME?!?!?!?!?

I mean, you have an academy award winner, who acts, writes, and directs- all in tremendous fashion- battling it out with the man who has Farrah Fawcet's hair. My man George is routinely lauded as one of the greatest guys on the planet. He publicly says that he is a disaster to date and gets away with it; he is hilarious; and he always seems to be having a good time. If he were to run for president in 15 years, he'd win. He is the 21st Century's James Dean, Marlon Brando, John Wayne, Paul Newman, and Robert Redford. All rolled into one. And I'm not exaggerating here. He is that talented. He is the man and don't tell me differently.

So honestly, can you think of a funnier, more lopsided feud ever? This is like the Celebrity version of Tyson v. McNeely, Jordan v. Ehlo, Sox v. Rockies, or OJ's Dream Team v. Clark/Darden. And there are probably FEWER people rooting for the Fabio than those who rooted for the Rockies. I mean, at least Colorado had a major urban center supporting them. Whose supporting Fabio? George could have gone over to his table completely unprovoked cut Fabio's hair with a steak knife, taken a dump on Fabio's girlfriends chest, vomited in Fabio's Mai Tai, and given Fabio a beaker in the balls and everyone would STILL side with Clooney.

And Fabio. You should have let this one go Fabio because you are now more of a laughingstock than you ever were. And there were some low, LOW times in your life.

Here's one example.....

In 2004, there was a short lived reality show called Average Joe. Average Joe was the story of a cutie named Larissa who had to choose between hunks and average "Joes". Naturally, she choose the hunk.

But Larissa had a big surprise. And when the show concluded, she wanted to tell her selection (he was called Gil) her "big secret." Well, her big secret was that she dated Fabio for two and a half years (Now, I could have an entirely seperate blog about Larissa. It would be titled, "Who Decides It Is A Good Idea To Date Fabio?" Or it could be called, "Hello, My Name is Larissa and I Think It Would Be A Really Good Idea to Date- For 2 1/2 Years- That Guy Who Graces The Cover of Harlequin Romance Novels."). I suppose if I dated Fabio, I would keep this a secret as well. Only I would keep it a really, REAL secret as there is no chance in hell I would tell people that I dated Fabio.

Anyways, after hunky Gil gets this informtaion, he dumps Larissa. Right there on the spot. He freaks out and says that he can't date her. The next day, Gil announces publicly that he is not with Larissa and the reason is that her ex-boyfriend is Fabio. You might see where I am going with this..... If you don't well then, let me explain to you. Actually, let me explain it to Fabio in an open letter.....

Dear Faabs (I'm assuming we're boys),

Hey, heard you were fighting with George Clooney. That's a good decision Blondie, and do you know why? BECAUSE A GIRL WHO ONCE DATED YOU WAS DUMPED BY A NO NAME DUDE WHO NOW WOULD PROBABLY KILL TO GET A CINEMAX LATE NIGHT PROGRAM!!!!! Let me say this again Faabinator.....

SOME NO NAME DUDE DECIDED YOU WERE SO AWFUL THAT HE COULD NOT DATE A GIRL WHO HAD EVER DATED YOU!!!!!

What does that say about you Faabs? I mean, I get it if Gil dumped said girl for dating me because then her sanity would definitely have to be questioned, but aren't you supposed to be some sort of star, Faabs? And yet Gil STILL decided that the girl was so worthless that he couldn't date her. BECAUSE SHE DATED YOU!

You know what this also says Fabio? That you should not be publicly bashing one George "Dean/Brando/Redford/Newman/Wayne" Clooney because NO ONE IS GOING TO SIDE WITH YOU!!!!! WE ARE INSTEAD ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!!!!!!

Or at the very least, I am.

Respectfully Submitted,

Big G

PS: Stay tuned for Part II- arriving soon- in which I discuss the ten feuds that would be ALMOST as funny as this one.

Quite Possibly The Best 57 Seconds Ever

You've got to love the internet. You can find anything. Even old commercials.

When you think about it, there are a lot of great commercials out there. I'm serious. There are. And given the amount of bad TV I watch, no one should be more familiar with commericals than me. I like a bunch of those AT&T ones where the signal cuts out. And I laugh at some Geico ones.

But yes, there are a plethora of absolutely horrible commercials. Who exactly, is laughing at the Bud Light commercials? Perhaps it is the same people (read: Idiots) who laugh at The Scary Movie/Epic Movie unfunniness. And any commercial that has a jingle in it is not good. That said, they are certainly EFFECTIVE as who doesn't know who to call for your car glass needs (1-800-64-GIANT for those of you who had a pepple smack into your window this morning)? But few commercials are truly memorable. There are some you probably fondly remember (Where's The Beef? was funny in its day. Bo knows was legendary.), and some are more hidden gems (The Globe, "I can't believe I slept through Saturday"). But there are few that you actually take the time to look up on the internet.

However, there is one I constantly look up. In fact, it's favorited on my computer.

The commercial is now eight years old and deep down, I think it is why I have owned Jettas for the last seven years. It's called The Big Day and it first appeared during the 2001 Super Bowl and it could have easily slipped past you. There is no talking, no humor, and very few images of the product being sold. It does have a fairly memorable track to it that is still frequently downloaded and discussed on various message boards (yes, I have visited a message board that 's subject is a car commerical. Just add it to the ever growing list of things that make me an ass clown), but that is really the only sound. The rest has to be figured out by you, the viewer.

What this commercial does is tell the greatest, most passionate, most heart wrenching 57 second love story ever. This commercial does what so few films have ever done. TV shows that have dragged out relationships over ten years (I'm talking about you Ross and Rachel) have not done near as good a job at portraying the passion, regret, and emotional intensity of this under one minute slice of ridiculousness.

Really, I have tried to understand why this commerical destroys me. Maybe I wish I was one of the characters. Maybe I wish someone would do that for me. Maybe I feel so terribly for the groom to be and his I-Knew-It look. Maybe I feel so joyous for the bride to be and her I Knew-You'd-Come look. Maybe it's her sigh. Maybe I wish I wrote it. Maybe I connect with the Dad, who wants so badly for his daughter to be happy. Maybe I know what it's like to be stuck at a train stop when you have to be somewhere. Maybe it's the tagline. Maybe it's that I've never done anything remotely as brave as what this man does. Or maybe it's simply because I'm a sap. But somehow, I don't think it's that. It's something else. I hope you feel it too. Because then I'll feel like less of an emo kid.

But whatever it is, I hope you like it, because I do. Very much.



And by the way, I'd love to know your favorite commercial(s). So post a comment, because given all the stupidity we watch, I might be nice to watch something enjoyable.

Be Very Scared Of This Man

Much has already been said about the greatenss of No Country For Old Men.

Let me say a little more.

In a day and age where there are so many terrible movies (P2, Bratz), lame sequels/remakes (Hostel, Halloween), animated movies (Finding Bee Shrekatouille), let downs (Knocked Up, The Departed), and extremely average movies (American Gangster), it is so pleasing to watch something that absolutely blows you away. No Country For Old Men is that movie.

You HAVE to see this movie. It's metacritic scores are off the charts and rightly so. It will not be for everyone, that's for sure. Your average American Moviegoer likes their films all neatly wrapped up and explained, so if you are your average American Moviegoer, do NOT see this movie.

But if you want to see a film that is virtually perfect in every sense of the word, then go see this film. It is what makes a trip to the movies still one of the most enjoyable activities a person can partake in.

I like the Coen Brothers, but I by no means bow at the Ethan and Joel Altar as many do. Fargo is awesome. O Brother Where Art Thou? was overrated. Ladykillers is a shut off. But with No Country For Old Men, they have achieved filmmaking perfection. I really cannot explain how good this movie is.

By now, most of you know the plot and if you don't, go read about it on metacritic. Like I said, the plot will annoy some people because so much of it is unexplained. I'm glad it will annoy people and that will help me make a decision as to whether I like you or not (not that you care). But safe to say, if you you don't like the "unexplained" parts of this film, then you can join the dudes who get barb wire tatoos on their upper arms in the pantheon of people I hate.

The fact that none of this is explained is awesome, because the film is not about the drugs or who wants them and why. It is about Llewelyn Moss and the unfortunate luck he has to find a briefcase full of 100 dollar bills. But again, it is more than just that.

A movie ceases to become a movie when you forget that it is actually a movie (that is either the most nonsensical or pretentious thing I have ever written/said). I frequently say that a movie is just so unbelievable when you look back on it and say, "wait, that was just a movie." This happens infrequently, but in recent histroy it has happened with Sideways, United 93, Before Sunset, and Children of Men. There is nothing better than getting so wrapped up in the characters that you forget they are fake and written for the screen. Sometimes, a script makes the characters seem so forced and so trite that you KNOW they are made up, almost as if they came from a film writing 101 class (the chuckahs in Little Miss Sunshine immediately come to mind). But when the charcters seem so real, that is when a movie is great.

And that is exactly what No Country For Old Men has done. 24 hours later, I am sitting here wondering what has happened to the characters in this film. I am hoping that no one ever meets Anton again (I'll get to this momentarily), and I'm wondering if Tommy Lee Jones will ever be able to live with himself. I'm even wondering about the gas station attendant who was in the film for about 6 minutes (six of the most tension filled minutes in the history of film by the way).

I'm also wondering how a more perfect film could have been made and I can't think of it. There are these long stretches of complete silence that are simply amazing. The fact that The Coens had faith in their script and their actors to allow these scenes to happen is so complimentary to the viewer. There is little (if any) music used in this film and you realize what a powerful (and again, hugely complimentary) tool this can be. You can create tension without a scary soundtrack telling the viewer that they are supposed to be tense or scared or sad. And there is no word better to describe this film than tense. There is one scene so chilling and taut that I literally punched my brother because I just couldn't take it. It was beyond brilliant.

Which brings me to the best part of this movie.

Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh (with Aunt Beru's haircut and the calmest, iciest voice of all time) is the best villain I have ever seen in a film. Ever. And this is from a guy who loves Darth Vader. I was literally scared to walk into my house thinking that Anton might be there, ready to whack me. And why would I be scared of him you ask, seeing as I did nothing to him? Well, ask that same question to the five people who also did nothing to Anton who are now taking the dirt nap.

The fact that a movie can make you so scared of someone seems preposterous, I know, but once you see this movie, you will know exactly what I am talking about. Anton really is scarier than Hannibal Lecter, Michael Myers, The Crawlers, Jaws, Linda Blair possessed, Norman Bates, and that thing behind the dumpster in Mulholland Drive combined. He is pure evil and the fact that anyone who comes into contact with him dies makes him all the more evil. Combine that with his relentlessness, invulnerability, and inability to be reasoned with and you have nothing short of one of the greatest charcaters ever put on the silver screen. And this is not hyperbole.

So you need to go see this movie, just to be horrified. But also appreciate it for the craft. I have never taken a film course in my life and other than the fact that I THINK I know about film, I really know nothing about film. But what I do know is this movie is super entertaining and perfectly crafted. I claim to be a movie snob as you all know, but I hate a lot of pretentious crap. I can be on the side of Average American Moviegoer when it comes to the crap put up by Jim Jarmush and Vincent Gallo. David Lynch can also be annoying, as can David Cronenberg. But you HAVE to appreciate No Country For Old Men, even if you've never liked an art house film in your life. To me, this film was almost the anti Departed. The story was simple enough to be enjoyed as entertainment, but it also had so much going on that you could sit at a coffee shop (okay, you're right: Bar) for hours and discuss it. I won't do that here, but you may see me on an IMDb board doing just that. I will say that it told you plenty, but left a few things to the viewer (which The Departed did not do). It challenged you as a viewer, but made you crack up (Tommy Lee Jones' deputy is a hoot). The symbolism and biblical references were mind blowing and then the tension and action made the two hours fly by. It pushes you to come to your own conclusions, but then has the best sound you've ever heard in a movie (who knew a shotgun could be silenced?). It leaves you asking questions, but makes you feel so much for the central protagonist. It's perfect.

Oh yeah, it also has a guy who will make you check under your bed before you crawl into it tonight.

Surprisingly, I Have No Opinion Of This

Before I get to today's topic, three entries from the world of Boston sports.....

I can finally breathe now that BC has lost.....

I find myself WANTING the Patriots to win- and many of you can call this a classic Coughlin flip flop- but here's where I am consistent: I have always said that the NFL's "parity" line is bunk. There is no parity in football. There is in fact, more in baseball. And the fact that the Patriots will go 19-0 and Tom Brady will break every meaningful quarterback record further proves my point. Parity, like Communism, works great on paper, but there is no such thing, so stop using that word.....

Raise your hand if you thought the timing of ARods announcement was pitiful. I know you are all raising your hands. So for those of you who ripped awful ARod (the greatest player in the history of the game) please be consistent and rip a guy who, on the day of the Red Sox celebratory parade releases a list of the 12 teams he'll play with and then tells us all about the "personal" letters he wrote to his teammates. Yes, this is one final, last rip on Shonda's husband. As if I needed further proof that everything is always about him, I present you with the worthless and utterly selfish antics of this ass clown. Letters are wonderful. They are super personal. I have letters that I have shared with no one and hopefully, letters that I have written have only been seen by one pair of eyes. What I have never done is write a letter and then talk about how awesome I am for writing this letter. Worthless, worthless, worthless. Enjoy Tampa Mr. Shonda. I'll be sorry to see you go because you will drastically decrease the topics I have to write about.....

Now, on to more enjoyable things. Someone recently told me I have an opinion on everything (it's been almost 34 years and somehow, no one has mentioned this to me). But safe to say, this statement is true. I feel it makes me who I am. It is also what drives people absolutely crazy about me. In my older, wiser years, I have tried to express my very strong opinions in a more clear and rationale way (and by that I mean less yelling and insulting of others). But there are still some subjects that bring out the worst in me and over the pass couple of weeks, a few people have pushed those very worst buttons on me and I have turned into Angry Gerard, which I have been trying to avoid.

So, it got me to thinking. What can I talk about at bars/cocktail parties/emails/happy hours that I will NOT have an opinion on? What are some generic, neutral issues that can be discussed where I will not offend/annoy/condescend people? I thought about this since my last post (so I've been thinking about it for awhile) and I managed to come up with the 20 things that I have absolutely no opinion on. And since the year is wrapping up and I love lists, you will probably be seeing a variety of posts where I opine, very strongly, about sundry different topics. So consider this a gift. You will get no opinions here and no one will be offended (well, maybe hunters and die hard Andy Garcia fans). And if things start to get testy at a bar with me, just shout out one of the following topics and I will go take a pee and you'll all get a break from my loud, annoying voice.

1. Rice: I get rice on my burrito. It's nice. I also like the hot rice from Sugar and Spice. But my brother made delicious burritoes at home and they had no rice and then Sugar and Spice forgot to give me my rice order once. Both times I was completely fine. And I never order it as a side when I go out to eat. But yet I make it at home when I feel like it. So rice is good, but I'm fine without it.

2. Worcester: People say Worcester is a dump. Ask a kid who went to college there and they want to blow it up. But I've been there a couple of times and it was fun. I've even seen a few good shows out there and had a couple of delicious meals. At the same time, I'm not driving out there on a Saturday (unless I'm coming to visit you Paige!!!!!). But it's certainly better than say, Haverhill. Or Methuen. Or anywhere on the South Shore. So I'll go to Worcester, but if it somehow disappeared from the map, it wouldn't really affect me. Of course, Paige, you and Jen would be in Florida on the day it disappears, so you'd still be alive, which is good.

3. Cigars: People love a good stoogie. I think they love more the sort of male bonding ritual of stoogies. I like them, although if I smoke a whole one, I get nauseous. Of course, I get nauseous riding in the back seat of a car, mostly because I'm a pussy, so that doesn't mean much. But when someone offers me one, I have a very rare reaction: I shrug and say, "Sure, I'll take one." But if I walk by a bunch of my friends smoking stoogies and they have none for me, I'm not upset. But if they are smoking stoogies AND talking about fantasy football, then I'll be very upset.

4. The Environment: Sorry Al Gore, it's one liberal issue I just can't get in a tizzy over. I recycle. In fact, my kitchen is full of empty beer bottles waiting to be recylced. But it doesn't light a fire under my ass. I'll be dead before it's an issue. Besides, I kind of wish that global warming would come to fruition tomorrow, because then we'd live in a post apocalyptic world, which excites me. I know that sounds weird, but it excites me because I have this weird feeling I'd be the Mad Max of this new world. In reality, I'd probably get killed by a falling iceberg.

5. Chicken, Ziti, and Broccoli: Always a staple at functions/parties. I eat if its there, but I often pass on it. Part of me likes it because it is the only thing my mother made that was remotely edible (after I dumped a pound of pepper on it). But I'm never making it at home and I'm never ordering it out. But I'll come eat it at your house if you want to make it for me. Just don't put mushrooms in it.

6. Hooded Sweatshirts: It seems everybody loves these. Try not seeing 150 of them some Sunday morning at Soundbites. I own one of them, and I wear it all the time, but I wear it because it says UMass Amherst on it (Sidenote: I wish Harvard and UMass had different colors, because I always see people wearing Maroon shirts/sweatshirts that are clearly college shirts and I get really excited thinking that a fellow Minuteman is around, but then I realize it is a cat in a Harvard shirt and I immediately feel inferior). But I just don't have the passion for hoodies that some people do. Belichick clearly likes them more than me.

7. Clue: I love board games (Life, Scrabble, Stratego). I hate board games (Cranium, Pictionary, or any other game where I have to rely on inept teammates). But Clue I couldn't care less about. It's a cool idea, but if I open a closet door at your house looking for a game, I'm not grabbing the Clue. That said, I'd play if you want. I did, however, like the film, largely because I liked the girl dressed in the French Maid costume.

8. Sam Adams: I mean, really, what did that revolutionary do...... I'm kidding. I'll drink an Oktoberfest, no doubt. But there's much better local micro brews (Harpoon, Ipswich, Tremont) and there are worse (Gearys..... That shit is gross!). So push aside that White Ale and pass me that #9 you got in your fridge, but please don't even think of giving me a Rolling Rock.

9. The View: Everybody talks about this show. I want it to fire me up. I should hate Elizabeth "The Nazi" Hasselbeck. But I don't. I find her completely irrlevant (maybe because she's married to the lesser QB and was as boring as light mayonaise on Survivor). And I should love Rosie, but I find her not overly entertaining. So what's the big deal about the show? I've watched it a few times and it's not bad. But it certainly doesn't take up space on my DVR. Is Star Jones still on it? I heard she's a lawyer.

10. Andy Garcia: Would you ever say, "I'm DYING to see the sequel to Jennifer 8 because Andy Garcia is in it?!?!?!?!?" Of course not. But is he as overrated as DeNiro or as nauseating as Zach Braff? Nope. And is he as money as Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo? Not even close. Quite frankly he's just..... There. I wish he were in a really cool movie like Oceans 11, where he could really make an impact and be memorable..... Wait a minute..... Wasn't he.....?

11. Iced Tea: "Hey Gerard, you want an Iced Tea?" I won't ask what else you have in your fridge and I won't say no. I'll drink it if you offer it to me. But I would have drank the lemonade if you offered me that too. Now Ice-T on the other hand.....

12. Deer: They are cute. They've had some good scenes in movies. That scene in Stand By Me was awesome. And wasn't there a funny deer scene in a Spade/Farley movie? But I don't get overly upset when one gets shot. Yes, I do have a strong opinion on hunting (which can be summed up in one sentence: Who the fuck hunts?), but it's not some much about the deer (sorry animal rights activists). I make fun of hunting more because of the fact that the supposed superior race has decided to track down and shoot animals that don't have the good sense to NOT run across a multi lane highway. Plus, Bambi never really upset me.

13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.

So there it is sports fans, the list of the 20 things I have no opinion on. Granted, some of them would not make for great bar conversations (what, you don't want to talk about Iced Tea?). But, like I said at the outset, these topics will shut me up, prevent me from spitting on you, and contain the vein on my head from popping out.

Oh, and where did 13-20 go? Well, I couldn't actually think of 20 things I have no opinion of.

Shocking, eh?