Seven You Should Know How To Make

Especially if you are a man. Well, definitely if you are a man. And as we all know, I am SUCH a man...

As for the ladies? Well, I guess you can judge a man buy these skills. And coming from a man of my stature, this should be gold.

7. Coffee- You could be snowed in on a Sunday. You could be camping with nary a Starbucks in sight. You could have your barista call in sick and have to settle for a Dunks. You could be a husband who wakes up before his wife. You could be a single man sleeping with a woman for the first time and want to make a good impression. Or you could just not like leaving your house.

Whatever type of man you are, you need to know how to make coffee. And it is preferable if you know how to make a GOOD cup of coffee. If you don't know your Sanka from your bold, here are a few tips: Buy a grind and brew, buy the light brown filters, and buy a good pound of whole bean coffee (nothing less than $10 a pound and if you like your coffee extra caffeniated, buy a lighter colored bean). And know the ratio. A scoop of beans for every five ounces of coffee. And keep some cream on hand.

6. Wings- Grill them (whole wings, over medium), slow cook them (buy yourself a crock pot), or deep fry them (use only corn oil and lightly flour them if you can't master the correct crispiness). Make them buffalo style, barbecue, or dry rub them with a nice cajun seasoning. But just know how to make these. You may have to host a fantasy draft or you may get invited to a pot luck that your wife can't make (she would have made the artichoke dip and that seems to wimpy to bring if you're flying solo). Or you may get invited to a pot luck and just have gotten dumped. Whatever the scenario, all men should know how to make an appetizer and as any Chili's menu will tell you, wings are an appetizer. They are also shockingly simple, yet always a big hit.

5. A Dessert- Just as you should know how to cook an appetizer, you should also know how to create a dessert. Look, we can all go to the Whole Foods dessert counter and get something cool, but desserts are meant to be homemade. Many cookie recipes made from scratch are shockingly simple and imagine you showed up at that pot luck with some homemade chocolate chip cookies (put some shaved milk chocolate in along with the Ghiradelli chocolate chips for a delicious taste AND proof you made them from scratch)? Or imagine for your wife/girlfriends birthday, you made a dozen red velvet cupcakes instead of picking up the carvel cake?!? You'd have carte blanch on card games and Schwarzenegger movies on Bravo for a month. You can also impress the hell out of a female co-worker you get in Secret Santa if you give a final gift of your own homemade gingerbread cookies in a Pottery Barn cookie jar (did that sound manly or just real gay?)..

Just learn how to make a dessert, huh? For fuck's sake, make a trifle. It's pudding, whipped cream, angel food cake, and booze. And if you can't impress those female colleagues with a cookie, you may as well get them drunk, right?

4. A Playlist- And I'm not talking a playlist for that girl you like. I'm talking about a playlist for ANY occassion. There will come a time in your life when you will host a party that doesn't involve kegs of Icehouse and a $5 Solo cup. And when you host said party, you might be having a guest list that doesn't include a roomful of dudes wearing backwards white basbeall hats and so those Phish live at MSG and Cypress Hill CDs just won't cut it anymore. So you HAVE to know how to make a playlist. But it's not just the party that matters, it's also who is going to be there and for how long. You're going to have men who purchased only one CD this year and that was Chinese Democracy. You're also going to have the man who is so indie, he listens to bands that don't even exist yet. And then you are going to have that woman who really likes dance music. So the playlist has to pander to EVERY guest.

You also need playlists that cater to moods. If it's late night and everyone is now just smoking up and the neighbors have already come by, then you have to be ready for that. You really have to be ready for anything, but most importantly, you never want someone to leave and say the music sucked. That would be dreadful. In golf, all you need is one good shot to make you return the next week. In playlist land, all you need is one good song to make the party goers want to return next week.

3. A Margarita-There is only one way to make a margarita, so pay very close attention and do not fuck this up. Get a good Silver tequila (Don Julio works well), Cointreau (triple sec? No.), fresh squeezed limes, several ice cubes, salt, and a heavy base whiskey glass (those stupid maragarita glasses you got as a gift? Throw them in the trash.). Rim the glass with salt. Fill the glass with ice. Add equal parts tequila and lime juice. Put in a splash of Cointreau. Throw in a lime wedge. Stir twice and serve. And if you even THINK about pouring a drop of that tequila into a blender filled with frozen bananas, then you are no man. You are a bartender at the Border Cafe in Saugus.

2. Pancakes- Never was there a manlier food to make. Sure, they are practically a pastry, but think about the best pancake you ever ate. It was made by a man, wasn't it? Besides, you'll one day be a dad and you'll win World's Best Dad if you master the pancake (especially if you have a daughter because while some tool bag Von Douche of a man may replace you someday, they will never to be able to replace YOUR pancakes).

Hint: Use buttermilk instead of regular milk, grease the pan with a butter soaked paper towel, toss the first batch, add some chocolate chips and spoon some powdered sugar on the stack just before you serve it. Your daughter's husband is fucked.

1. A Cheeseburger- Every piece of literature I read says that a man MUST know how to make a good steak. But every man already knows that. What not every man knows how to make is a good burger. They overcook them, they make them too small, and they don't get the right bun. There are not five episodes/issues of The Phantom Gourmet, Boston Magazine, The Boston Globe Magazine, or The Improper Bostonian that go by that do not have a "Best Burger In Boston" list. We'll drive 45 minutes out of the way to get a good burger, yet none of us know how to make them even though they are preposterously easy to make. Put together your own patties out of 85%-90% lean meat; season them with salt and pepper, grill over medium. Flip them three minutes earlier than you think you should flip them (just FLIP them for crissakes!!! NOW!!! It's not chicken!!!! You're not getting salmonella if there a bit pink!!!). Throw on the Hoffman sharp cheddar cheese a minute after flipping them. Butter up and grill a not overly huge sesame seed bun. Have some tomatoes, lettuce, and grilled onions on hand, plate and serve.

With the margarita and after the wings would be ideal.

If you know how to make these seven things and make them well, then you are officially a man.

This from a man who is currently styling himself after a character he just saw in a movie, so you know he is truly a manly man.