Thursday, March 27, 2008
My Sport Can Beat Up Your Sport
As I said yesterday. Fantasy Football is for fools. Fantasy Baseball will always be way better. Here's why:
10. Fantasy Baseball Has Manny: Not only is this guy a great REAL player, but he's the great fantasy player as well. And if you draft him, you get to watch him EVERY night. Granted, he won't steal many bases, but if outfielders cutting off throws were a category, he'd win. Sure, the Patriots had some great fantasy player to root for like Moss and Brady, but you probably didn't have Brady on your team because.....
9. Stupid Guys Like Willie Parker, Frank Gore, and Stephen Jackson Get Drafted Before All Stars: This is without doubt the stupidest thing about fantasy football (and so it should probably be number one). Everyone admits that in real football, you need a quarterback and that you can't win without one. We also now that there are two guys who can actually play the position well in the whole world. But for some strange reason, fantasy football makes these guys- who play the leagues most important position- go in the middle rounds. Where did the best player in football get picked last year? The fourth round? Fifth? Sixth? Alex Rodriguez is the best player in baseball and Albert Pujols is the second best. Guess where they go in a baseball draft? One, two.
8. In Baseball, You Get What You Pay For: Short of some freak injury, if you take David Oriz in the first round you get... David Ortiz. The same cannot be said for stupid football where first rounders are routinely underproductive or in fact, hurt. Back when I participated a few years ago, you had to take either Marshall Faulk or Priest Holmes at about the six pick, yet everyone knew these two were going to get hurt. It's weird. Imagine Rocco Baldelli HAVING to be a six pick? Stupid. Just stupid.
7. Baseball Has Guys That Look Like Us: Did you see that picture of Beckett as he threw a pitch and his shirt lifted up in the Globe? It was awesome. The guy made Phil Mickelson look fit. And then there's the reigning Cy Young Award winner. If you were to play a pick up game of ANYTHING, C.C. would be the last picked. But in baseball? He receives one of the most prestigious year end awards.
6. Fantasy Baseball Has Pedro And His Quotes: Granted, football has the two of the funnier sports moments of the last five years in "straight cash homey" and a dude doing sit ups in his driveway, but nothing is better than Pedro. Three classics that support this:
"I dominated the era and I did it clean."
"Who is Karim Garcia? I have no respect for that guy."
"Wake up the damn Bambino and have him face me. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass."
5. Setting Your Lineups: If I have to listen to one more ass clown tell me how he, "sat so and so because he was going against a tough defense and then he exploded," then I'm going to toss my cookies. You know what? DON'T SIT THE DUDE!!! And in what sort of fantasy sport do you sit good dudes because of who they are playing? Imagine sitting Kobe because he's going against lock down defender Bruce Bowen. Or benching Ryan Howard because he's facing two tough lefties in a row. Stupid fantasy sport with stupid over analyzing.
4. Stars, Stars, Stars: Fantasy baseball has them, fantasy football doesn't (who is this random Packers running back predicted to go high in fantasy football drafts? You know who goes high in fantasy baseball drafts? Johan Santana. Heard of him?). Sure, there are guys in fantasy football who put up great numbers in an individual year, but on a consistent, year in and year out basis, there are very few real stars with the exception of Brady and Manning. And as in said in number nine... Well, read number nine again...
3. Devin Hester: On the few occassions I've watched Sportscenter during the NFL season, I see this dude who apperas to be the most exciting player in football. He returns kicks on a regular basis and apparently, opposing teams have developed a strategy to NOT ALLOW HIM TO TOUCH THE BALL UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. Guess where he gets drafted? Oh that's right, he doesn't. Jose Reyes is the most exciting player in baseball. I think he gets drafted. 17th round usually, but he's definitely drafted.
2. Tony Romo: He is the third guy picked at quite possibly the most important position in all of sport. And he's Tony Romo.
1. Without Fantasy, The NFL Would Be Nothing: Give me a second here. I understand the the NFL has currently supplanted my binkie, baseball, as Americas most popular sport (which is actually fine, since I hate most of America). But here's why: Fantasy. Where other leagues shun this dork ass world of fantasy sports, football EMBRACES IT!!! There are Fantasy Advice segments of pre-game shows. There is a Fantasy Corner column in one of the world's biggest newspapers, The Boston Globe. Networks track fantasy stats with a ticker along the bottom of the screen. ESPN has a television show in which celebrities (quasi celebrities that is) participate in a fantasy football draft.
Football knows that it is such a lame sport so they have EMBRACED fantasy and its geeks in order to garner more fans. I mean honestly, are you really watching that Bengals vs. Broncos game on Monday night if you didn't have, "Johnson and Cutler going tonight?" I'll tell you the answer to that. You wouldn't. Wanna know how I know? Because when you don't have a fantasy team, you could not care less.
Think about it. YOU don't have a fantasy hockey team and you are certainly not watching a Penguins/Capitals game on Monday night. Sure you can say you don't like hockey and it's boring, but this is a game that has two stars in Ovechkin and Crosby and you STILL won't watch it. Yet if they were on your fantasy hockey team, you most certainly would. I guarantee it. Try not having a fantasy football team one year and notice how free your Sundays are. Yes, you will always watch your home team because you are a fan, but if the Pats are playing Monday night and you are fantasy football free, I guarantee you will not spend you Saturday watching Marshaun Lynch and Michael Pittman (does he still play?)
And the NFL knows this. So they embrace fantasy in the hopes of keeping viewership at all time highs. Poo-poo (I just wrote poo twice) my theory all you want, but if you really think about it, you might just admit that I have a point. Albeit a relatively miniscule one.
Well, back to Rotoworld for me sports fans. I gotta see some updates on the Mariners and A's fifth starters.
Yes, I Do Know Who Led The Royals In RBI in 1997 (Dean Palmer)
There are many things that make me a geek. My Star Wars Shelf. The fact that I am the Chess Coach at MHS. My love for the daily crossword. I took Latin in college (lots of REALLY hot girls in that class).
But the single biggest bit of geekdom that I am involved in is Fantasy Baseball. And I love it.
Fantasy sports have evolved to the point where EVERYBODY has a fantasy football team. Even women. In fact, a woman my brother knows said to him recently, "I can't wait for fantasy football to start up again." Cross her off the list of people I want to date. Other things that I find uber geeky are also now culturally acceptable, like golf, liking David Archuletta, and watching musicals.
But for some reason, fantasy baseball is still considered by the masses to be SUPER geeky. Maybe it's because we use acronyms like VORP (which I bet less than 1/100th of the population uses). Or maybe it's because baseball players don't tackle each other. Or maybe it's because we ask questions like, "Now that Scott Rolen is out, does Marco Scutaro go for $3.00? Or should I take a flier on John MacDonald?"
But it's always kind of confused me why fantasy baseball gets hated like it does. Tell someone you participate in a fantasy baseball league and they give you my favorite I-don't-have-time-for-that line. It sounds something like this:
"Oh, I don't have time to for that. Baseball's everyday. I'm too busy tending to my rhododendrons."
To me, that sounds like you saying, "I'm not smart enough to do fantasy baseball, so I'm going to shit on it."
Well, I'm here to tell you that you can call me a geek all you want. Because I'm in a fantasy baseball league and I'm proud of it.
Like many things, fantasy sports have jumped the shark (has the phrase "jumped the shark" jumped the shark?). For the seven of you that don't know, fantasy sports are a multi million (billion?) dollar industry with websites and magazines galore. As I've mentioned many a time, you cannot go to a bar or a gym locker room in mid October and NOT hear: "Donovan McNabb's 9 for 21 passing performance just killed my week."
We all know my hatred for fantasy football (don't ever call fantasy baseball fantasy football again Marissa), but I am a staunch defender of the greatness of fantasy baseball.
You might ask why I defend fantasy baseball and shit on fantasy football as the two seem so similar, but here's why I do: Baseball is awesome.
And here's the other reason why: The Karkovice League is the greatest (and quite possibly one of the longest running) fantasy leagues of all time.
Our league is led by Eric, the greatest, calmest, most fair commissioner ever. His best friend/league co-founder/partner in crime Seth is his right hand man and they make the perfect league perfect. In 1989, while I was busy wearing flourescent colored Champion sweatshirts, with pegged acid washed jeans, and boat shoes with no socks, these guys were running a fantasy league. At that time, most people thought the phrase "fantasy league" referred to a high class prostitue ring (one Elliot Spitzer probably frequented). Now granted, Eric and Seth probably didn't get that many girls (although my math teacher friends tell me that you cannot get less than zero, which is the amount of girls I got at the very same age) as they sat at the cafetaria and debated whether or not Candy Maldonado could really repeat his 22 HR, 95 RBI year (I can't believe I just referenced that. Now wonder why no women like me). But you still have to give them credit for doing something that NO ONE else did at the time. Now of course, EVERYONE participates in fantasy sports and Seth and Eric look like genuises. In that way, they are a lot like me with this whole blogging thing. I pretty much INVENTED it.
Over the years, we've had various dudes run in and out of the league (Eric and Seth. Remember how much that kinda heavyset dude in like '97 paid for Matt LeCroy? And that was even before he was the I'm-kinda-okay-because-I-qualify-at-catcher Matt LeCroy), but of late, we've had a pretty nice core.
But more important than being nice (actually, I'm not sure I even like the guys in my league. Between trash talking Dave, Neo-Con Tim, always beats me Scott, first time Lucky Bastard Brad, way too nice to be friends with me Jim, wise ass Joyce, and my wanna be Theo Epstein brother Mike, I'm not really sure I like any of these guys, save for Seth and Eric. And even then, I'm only being nice to them so they will invite me back into their league), these guys KNOW THEIR STUFF!!!!!
In years past, I've been in fantasy leagues with dudes who have as much sport intelligence as Paris Hilton (I'll never forget getting a call from my boy Tim- who was chasing me in a hoops league- saying that he acquired Michael Jordan for Drazen Petrovic, who had just died in a car accident). And I've also been in leagues with three pitching categories (remember Ken Chutchian's league Tim? How was he, with his radio ready voice, not a night DJ on Magic 106.7?) and stat sheets that were done by hand and MAILED to my house! That just isn't the case in The Karkovice League.
For starters, the guys in this league know everything. There is no sneaking anyone past these guys. They know the Rangers fifth starter (Luis Mendoza) and who might get saves if Jenks goes down (Octavio Dotel). They know they exact amount to pay for Manny Ramirez and they know not to bid any more than fifty cents on Scott Rolen (was that misdirection men?). They know that if I bring up Curt Schilling, then I have to pee and they know that when they need me to spend money, they will bring up a cool, black guy with good hair (imagine what I'd pay for Jimmy Rollins?). And if they REALLY want to make me spend my money, then they bring up the name of a guy who has had a "great spring."
And we have also moved into a new age. Instead of getting stuff mailed, we receive updates every morning via this crazy think called the internets.
But as technologically advanced, competitive, fun, and financially rewarding(potentially- but not for me since about '99) as the league is, what really makes it great is that it allows me to feel like an elitist.
When dudes with tribal tattoos and fades are discussing cars and Larry Johnson at the Bally's in Woburn, I can just shake my head and say, "these guys just aren't smart or classy enough to be in my baseball league."
And I really wish this weren't true, BUT IT IS! I have other friends who talk about their baseball "drafts" and they wonder who they should take with the nine pick.
NINE PICK?!? In fantasy baseball?!?!? You guys are amateurs! Because REAL (super dweeby) baseball guys use the auction draft. The auction draft is for ELITISTS! And not only do we do an auction draft Mr. Tribal Tattoo Boy, but we do an A.L. ONLY auction draft! With two catchers! And a middle infielder position! And seeing as we have ten guys and there are only fourteen teams, that means SIX OF US ARE GOING TO HAVE BACK UP CATCHERS ON OUR ROSTER!!!!! How elitist/dweeby/awesome is that?!? So we CAN'T get by on just knowing the Russell Martins and Victor Martinez's of the world. We need to know Tampa's back up catcher for crissakes! And Baltimore's too (is it Rick Dempsey by the way?)!
And so having to know this information makes me feel like a baseball snob, which is exactly what I like to feel.
So while Dakota from Braintree will be calling the Big Show discussing simple things like Jason Varitek's lost bat speed, we REAL baseball fans will be discussing things like who the Mariners are going to give at bats to when Sexson has a .197 2 8 line after April. And sadly, I won't get to pick up whomever that guy is because Dave will have already picked him up as he's (somehow) currently reading Rotoworld even WHILE he reads this.
So shit on me all you want folks. I love fantasy baseball. But I love OUR fantasy baseball. Nothing else comes close.
Christmas morning is almost here. But instead of opening the Atari 2600 or an Optimus Prime, I'll be deciding what to bid on Joe Mauer (not a dime over 9.50 boys).
See you Saturday Eric, Seth, Mike, Tim, Brad, Scott, Jim, Brian, Dave, Mr. Saber, and Mr. Berger. I'm bringing my A game this year, so there will be no exorbitant Dan Haren bids.
Coming tomorrow: The Top Ten Reasons Why Fantasy Baseball Is Way Better Than Fantasy Football...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
So Why Wouldn't You Vote For This Guy Exactly?
My boy probably committed political suicide yesterday. But that's okay. Like Atticus said in To Kill A Mockingbird, "...Well, this may be the shadow of a beginning."
Because we cheer on Kevin Garnett, sing the praises of Denzel in Training Day, and laugh at Dave Chapelle, we think that issues of race are over. Here in Massachusetts, we fought through busing in Boston and we elected a black Governor in a landslide victory. Personally, many of us have dated people of a different race, extinguished the n word from our vocabulary, and made Pokey Reese a cult hero. But for anyone to believe that race in this country is still not the A, Number One issue, you are fooling yourselves. We've now been at war with a country for five years; gas prices are our of control and we still buy SUVs; our raises get smaller as the cost of living skyrockets; and health insurance companies continue to abuse us. And we don't care. No one raises a stink and there are no protests. When people suggest alternatives to oil, they are laughed at for being hippies. And when somone questions the war in Iraq they are "not supporting the troops." But there is one issue where people still have strong opinions. And it is also the very same area that absolutely no one wants to discuss.
Almost every time I am in a social setting, the issue of race comes up. Whether it is in regards to immigration and those filthy Mexicans stealing our jobs or Barack Hussein Obama being a Muslim, the issue of race arises frequently. And every time it does, it gets awfully feisty.
In the past six months, I have been sent the Barack is a Muslim Terrorist email three times. I also had multiple friends send me an article in which Chuck Klosterman touched on the strange cheer that Brian Scalabrine gets when he checks in for the Celtics (before you lose your mind on this, please, please, please watch a game and note what happens. My friend Matt who originally sent it finally noticed it and he was stunned at the odd cheer.). I have had a fairly over-the-top yet extremely rationale counter argument for each of them (and if you haven't seen the Barack email, here's the counter argument: It is an outright lie so frightening that if someone believes it, they should probably be hanged) and each of my counter arguments is responded to with an email or comment that can be summarized as, "whatever."
Well, yesterday, Barack did something that I have been trying to do for years: He discussed the elephant in the room. The elephant being race of course.
For some weird reason, talking about race in this country is like talking about cannabilism or incest. For years, I have tried to have conversations with people about race. They often turn ugly and that has been mostly the fault of me and the bulging vein in my forehead. But as much of the blame as I take, I refuse to take it all because many people in this country refuse to grant my racism is still alive statements any credence. And that sucks.
I am by no means saying that I know a single soul who thinks we should ressurect lynching. I disagree with Reverend Wright's statements that this is the US of KKK A. And not a single one of my friends would ever treat a black person they meet with any contempt. If I were to bring a black woman to a friends wedding tomorrow, all of my pals would treat her just as fairly as they would treat any other woman. They would likely have questions regarding her sanity for dating me, but black, white, or Martian, she'd still get those questions.
That said, I just wish that people would grant my arguments some amount of respect. Racism does not look like it did seventy years ago. Black men are not tied behind trucks and dragged around parking lots filled with broken glass (although that has happened in my lifetime). There are not seperate drinking fountains and bathroom for black people and white people. And we no longer have segregation in our schools. Overt racism is dead, largely.
But that is not the racism I am talking about today. The racism I am talking about is the inherent racism that exists everywhere. The one that no one admits exists. The one no one wants to talk about. Much like the way I wore my hat freshman year at college, we want the past to be expunged. We want our terrible history of racism and hatred to be a thing of the past and so we fail to even discuss that there is even the tiniest possibility that racism may still exist.
In the quiet of our homes (or in the independence of the voting booth), I often wonder what people really think of Barack Obama. It is easy to cite his lack of experience (but doesn't this apply to McCain? And what really is experience in politics? Is there anything that can prepare a person for the decision to invade a country? Does allocating funds to the schools of a state prepare a person to balance a multi-trillion dollar budget? Is a VP experienced because he's toured the country schilling for a president and cutting ribbons at bake offs?) as a weakness. Also too, his lack of platform is often listed as a weakness. But go back and evaluate every single presidential candidates platform and I guarantee they didn't do as they promised (No new taxes? Universal health care? SDI?).
But in my mind, Barack's strengths far outweigh his weaknesses. In a country where the divide between the haves and have nots keeps increasing, why wouldn't you- unless you are in the top 10%- vote for Barack? Why would you want another old, white guy in office? How can you not respect Barack's intelligence, passion, and ability to unite? He is not a used car salesman. He is not a flip flopper (Kerry was quite possibly the worst presidential candidate ever put forth by the Dems) or an elitist. He does not use the same two phrases (evildoers, smoke'em out) over and over. He is smarter than you, but never condescends you. He has no intern named Lewinsky and no ties to Haliburton. His last name is not Clinton or Bush. He is not a member of the NRA. He is not a bleeding heart pacifist. He is not Michael Moore. He is not Rush Limbaugh. He is not a Massachusetts liberal. He is not a born again Evangelical.
In short, he is one of the most likeable, most viable, most SIMILAR TO US presidential candidates we have ever seen. If you step away from party lines and truly evaluate him, he is one of the most amazing presidential candidates we have ever seen. He is so likeable that it is almost sickening. Except there is one major difference.
He is black.
And yesterday, he finally adressed the fact that he- the dark skinned guy with a funny name- is in fact, a black man.
Since the story of Reverend Wright broke, Barack has lost between five and ten points in his approval rating. This is amazing. It is amazing because Barack is NOT THE PERSON that made these statements. It is a gentleman that he is loosely tied to. It is not his Chief of Staff, his wife, or his father who made these comments. It is the pastor of his church (and yes, a contributor and supporter). But the Pastor of my church (or at least the one I was confirmed at) says the gay community is evil and he shows anti abortion films with buckets full of fetuses. Does he stand for me? And even if Reverend Wright is a close friend of Barack, is their relationship any worse than the never-discussed-but-utterly-dispicable relationship The Bush family has with the Saudi Royal family? If you say it is, then you're too lazy to do any research, because the Saudi Royal Family is the vilest of the vile.
The fact that Barack has lost "respect" or "approval" because of his ties to this man is preposterous. Barack has expressed nothing but love for this country. He is thoughtful enough to not be a rah rah flag waving, sheep who won't follow the masses. But his patriotism and love for all things America cannot be questioned. Just because you wear a pin and have a Support The Troops bumper sticker on your car does not make patriotism exclusive to you. Our forefathers, the ones who fought for political and religious freedoms, are forever patriots. Barack does the same thing. He fights for the rights of ALL Americans, not just the ones who wear camouflage uniforms.
Further, Barack has supported bills and laws aimed at stopping, hunting down, and prosecuting terrorists. He has patiently answered questions about his background. He has refused to get into negative campaigning. As I said, he fights for all Americans. He is also human like us. He's smoked some pot (as much as you Mike?) and done a few lines. He was a massive chain smoker who managed to quit. He's moved around a bunch, his parents are divorced and he's not from royalty.
He's the American Dream.
Over the years, I've gotten in so many arguments about the "cycle of poverty" and how it is difficult for minorities to break out of negative family situations. My friends have fired back with the "pulling up their bootstraps" argument (which by the way, Bill Cosby and Jason Whitlock- two black men- wholeheartedly agree with). Barack Obama has done that. And then some.
I'm not calling anyone who doesn't vote for Barack Obama a racist. I voted for Kerry because of the ABB startegy. Many (the one of you) of my readers who are registered members of the GOP will vote for McCain (and he's not a bad guy) even if he were running against Mother Theresa.
But I would prefer if you didn't tell me you weren't voting for Obama because he doesn't wear a flag pin or because you one time saw a picture of him NOT holding his hand over his heart. I would prefer if you didn't say you were not voting for Obama because he is a terrorist plant for Al Qaeda.
You're not voting for him because he's not like the people you know. He looks different than you, his name is not like the ones of your friends, and he attends a church that they don't have in Eastern Massachusetts. He will not suddenly become "the angry black man" which so many white people seem to fear. He will not appoint a cabinet full of Wu-Tang Clan members and he will not from a terrorist organization out of the White House. Deep down, you all know that. But because of the inherent racism in all of us (me too by the way), we fear that if we put this black man in office, we will suddenly have a case of "reverse racism" on our hands. We won't.
It's clear who I stand behind politically. Many of you also assume that I am the same, angry Michael Moore loving liberal that I was in my mid to late twenties. Nothing could be more untrue. I've had a lot happen in my life that has mellowed me out and watching a president who is a member of a party other than mine for eight years, I have learned much. Dubya is not responsible for our recession, nor is he responsible for the housing crisis. He did make the horrible decision of listening to his advisors on the War in Iraq, but even that was more the fault of others than he. He was hilarious when the Sox went to the White House and he has to feel horribly every time another American dies in Iraq or Afghanistan.
But it's time to try something else. And if we could just all break away from our preconceived thoughts and inherent feelings, then we would see that there has been and likely will be no candidate quite like Barack Hussein Obama. Because even though he sure doesn't look like us, he is pretty much us. Only the best parts. And yesterdays speech proved just that.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Longing For The Days of Must See TV
I watch an exorbitant amount of television (not among the stuff white people like) and I really want something to be "must see." I was really hoping The Office would be that show, but it's just not. Probably because of Michael, who makes me so uncomfortable I want to punch him. And I bet Lost and The Wire are both great, but I don't tune in.
I blame part of the lack of must see TV on DVR for while it has made TV certainly easier to watch, there is never that sense of "OMIGOD! I'm so excited (insert show) is on now." Also, the fact that you can rent or buy most shows hurts this OMIGOD feeling as well.
But really, I just don't think that there is that much great on these days (and so don't even ask me why I watch some much TV). Consistency is really hard for the medium of television as it much harder to make 100 hours of great entertainment as opposed to two hours as movies can do.
But I want to have that feeling again. I WANT to rush home from my night school to tune into a show or count the be excited for a Tuesday night. But I'm not. And that got me to thinking.
What, historically, are the shows that were "must see" (should I thank Friends era NBC for this phrase by the way?)? So, because I love lists, I came up with a list of the 18 shows that were must see for me. I may have forgotten a few, but this is what I gots for now. Few ground rules:
You don't have to like them now. You can be embarrassed to have watched them and/or pissed that such a good show jumped the shark. But, at any given point in your life, what was "must see?" What shows did you NOT want to miss an episode of? To make this list, I believe you have to have some very specific memories of the show. Not neccessarily the names of characters or specific plot lines, but were there episodes that forever stuck with you? This doesn't automatically mean the show was must see, but if you had great memories of it, it was probably pretty damn good.
So here is my complete list with the specific year/season I felt they were can't miss.
Note: How I Met Your Mother- a show that could easily be on here can't qualify because I have to work Monday nights and Flight of the Conchords- currently the best show on television- I only saw on DVD. But when it returns, you can be sure I will be tuned in, every Sunday night at 10:30.
18. Cheers (Seasons 9-11): As a Bostonian who grew up at the peak of this show (truthfully, I probably would have liked it more if I were about five years older), many of you probably feel like it should be in my top three. But it's not. I remember thinking that it was MUST SEE at the time, but I just don't have the fond memories I have for this show that I have for others. I remember Woody being hilarious and I remember Cliff and Norm having some great dialogue. However, I remember also hating Shelley Long and never understanding why everybody liked Coach and Lilith. So it couldn't have been that good. I'm putting it here more because I REMEMBER it being must watch, I just don't remeber why. But it sneaks in, even though I had a tough time justifying it. I'm kowtowing to all you Cheers lackey's I guess.
17. Mad About You (Season 2 and 3): You think I'm cheesey and emotional now, you should have seen me at the height of my Lloyd Dobblerness. Liking this show is pretty much the low point of my life (that and the 1992 Senior Profile currently hanging on my fridge), but I loved it. I truly believed Jamie and Paul's relationship and it always seemed like they were having so much fun. And that's exactly what I wanted at the unjaded, hokily romantic age of 19. Plus, the show made you laugh. And it made marriage seem fun..... Insert whatever comment you'd like right here_________________.
16. Roseanne (Seasons 2-4): I really can't put my finger on what I liked som much about the show, given the worthlessness of the title character. The fact that John Goodman has had a somewhat successful career (The Big Lebowski) gives my argument some legitimacy because it was John as Dan Connor who carried the show. Even as an angry teenager who hated his parents (one of the things white people like by the way), I always loved Dan. He was such a great dad and he was always so funny. I'd like to hear what sociologists/family psychologists say about this show because even though they were dysfunctional trailer trash, they somehow managed to function. And it was always Dan who made them work. I remember loving the Halloween specials and I also remember nearly crying at an epsiode where he knew he screwed up with his kids and he said sorry and then made them shakes- two things my dad was really good at doing.
15. Beverly Hills 90210 (Season 6): In typical Gerard fashion, I changed my mind about this show. I used to take shits on people who liked it, then, our senior year at The Greatest University In The Nation, my housemates and I decided to watch it (I tuned in largely because of the addition of a then unknown Rebecca Gayheart who I was pretty sure was going to be my wife). It turned out that I found the show ridiculously preposterous, but highly entertaining. I also wouldn't know that the four central male characters would have such an influence on my life. I hate both Brian Austin Green and Ian Ziering because they have been/are married/engaged to two of the hottest girls in Megan Fox (my current #1) and Nikki Ziering (make all the plastic surgery jokes you want). Then, Luke Perry and Jason Priestley introduced me to sideburns, which as I discussed in a previous post, I have never stopped loving.
14. Starblazers (1980-1981): This is an entry to make me A) Seem like I have more pop culture knowledge than you and B) Feel young again. I can't remember what grade I was in when this was on as it only had a few seasons and was on a constant loop after school, but what I do know is that I was devestated when they moved the time of Starblazers to 2:30 and I wasn't able to get home in time to watch it. I won't bog you down with plot and details, but the show is the reason why I know the crossword clue Jason's Ship because I learned from Starblazers that the Argo (the Star Force's main ship) was named after Jason's ship. Unfortunately, there was no wikipedia when I was seven, so I couldn't look up who "Jason" was, but I still knew that the Argo was named after him. Later, after I saw Friday The Thirteenth, I thought that maybe the ship was named after Jason Vorhees (I never claimed to be smart in my youth).
13. Family Ties(Season 3-7): I loved this show. I loved how funny the dad, Michael was and I loved how the show would pan to Alex right after Mallory said something ridiculous. We KNEW Alex P. was going to say something hysterical and so we would laugh BEFORE he even said anything. Couple that with hilarious Skippy and Mallory's deadbeat boyfriend Nick and the show had a great dynamic. Unfortunately, the worst episode (Alex's friend dying) is the most memorable (I wanted more funny) and the fact that I can't remember the day of the week it was on hurts it. But I remember like yesterday the awesome series finale when the cast came out and took a bow. It was a show ahead of its time that has some great writing and I always watched it, so must see it was.
12. The Cosby Show (Seasons 1-3): Like Family Ties above, I can't remember specifically when this was on (Thursdays at 8?), but I always laughed at Cliff. I recall him trying to break up a fight between the Theo and Vanessa got in a fight. There was also a hilarious epsiode when Cliff bounced the fat neighbor kid on his knee and got housed by him. Physical comedy was always Bill's niche and this show took advantage of it. There are certainly better shows historically, but not much on TV beats it right now.
11. The Wonder Years (Seasons 1-5): Can't remember what night it was on, can't remember all the characters names. But what I can remember is the voice over and some hilarious moments. Two moments that come to mind are when Fred Savage's Kevin had a huge zit and did everything in his power to cover it up (including washing it which left him with..... A really, REALLY clean zit) and when his mom took him to try on some pants and while in front of a cute, older check out girl, grabbed his crotch area and said, "Yup. Plenty of room down there." I also loved the relationship with Paul, but my favorite moment came in an episode when Kevin was caddying for his Dad's rival who was playing Kevin's dad in a $100 match of golf. Kevin's dad had a putt to win the match but, knowing his son would not be tipped if he won the match, muffed it and let his sworn enemey win. All so his soon could get a fat tip. I still remember the look Kevin gave his dad when he realized what happened and his dad refusing to admit that indeed, he lost for his son. Guess I'm a sucker for Dad moments.
10. Spin City (Seasons 2 and 3): This show snuck by many people and that is too bad because it had an absolutely hilarious ensemble cast. Yes, it was awful when Heather Locklear arrived but we forget just how awesome Michael J. Fox is. This guy is such an underrated talent (watch Back To The Future one of the 472 times it is on TV this week. It weathers time very well) and with the bumbling mayor and his office full of misfits, this show was seriously must watch. I'm pretty sure it started on Wednesday's, moved to Tuesday's ahead of NYPD Blue (you'll hear from that again) and then went back to Wednesday. More importantly though, I remember clearly some hilarious epsiodes like when homophobic Stuart (Cameron Frye of Ferris Bueller) had to move in with Carter (the gay dude). There were some hilarious scenes. But nothing topped the episode when The Mayor told a bunch of kids there was no such thing as Santa and Mike had to do some insane spin control. It was hilarious. As a side note, the show had an inordinate number of hot girls, given it wasn't a show about hot girls.
9. 24 (Seasons 2-4): I missed season 1, which I heard was the best. But this literally was a "race home from my night school" show. It became beyond watchable, but that's not the point. At it's peak, it was a phenomenally great show that was hugely impactful. The greatest part of the show were the secondary characters as Tony Almeida might be the best dude ever. The President as played by Dennis Haysbert was incredible as was Michelle. Throw in some great bad guys (made greater by the fact that they were TELEVISION bad guys, which is harder to do) and you have another one of my must watches.
8. The Real World (Chicago, San Diego, Austin, and Paris): Because my parents deprived me of cable as a young person and because I thought I was "different" than everyone in college and thus, didn't watch MTV, I got to this show way late. But when I did, man was it awesome. It's lost its luster as the "real" characters now just play characters of past Real World characters (Klosterman explains this point much more eloquently and funnier than I do), but these four seasons gave us some great people. It gave us Tonya and made us realize that all girls REALLY ARE hypochondriacs. It also gave us the Kyle face (the most worthless dude ever), The Biggest Masshole Evah in CT, and a Billerica tool named Danny. On a good note, the San Diego season gave us the hottest Real World girl (and possibly the most annoying) in Cameran and my boy, Brad. No, not Pitt, but awesome Brad from San Diego who is the direct opposite of a tool. In fact, he is so ridiculously likeable that it's a wonder he even got on the show. He also has the best drunken moment ever when he calls his roommates and tells them to come pick him up from the jail without specifying which jail he is in. Brad is going to be in my Fave Five with Clooney, Pitt, Beckham and Matt Beringer of The National. We'd make a sick six man team. Not sure what we're teaming up for or how we're meeting, but it's gonna happen.
7. Survivor (Seasons 2,3,5,6): I know that The Real World came first, but Survivor was and is still great television. Probst is the most unbelievable host and I mentioned him in my Seacrest post, but he really does a great job of handling the show. Plus, tribal council still makes for great television. I often wonder though, when we are getting our first post voted off ripping. If I got bounced by some half wit, I'd put my torch out and go right over the top. THAT would be good TV. Despite that flaw, the show has brought us some great characters (Colby was so nice it almost made me sick) and it has also brought us some extremely dislikable characters. While the characters aren't near as polarizing as the Real World ones (and polarizing is fun), they still have had people you hate. I mean, CT and Billerica Danny did a great job representing Massholes, but is there someone worse than "Boston" Rob? If I ever meet the guy, I'm going to ask him when exactly Canton moved twenty miles north and ended up actually IN BOSTON.
6. American Idol (Season 2): Watching the train wreck of Justin Guarini (think he still has that hair? Or those I-think-I-have-the-runs looks on his face?) in season one was awesome, but it was season two when the show crested. The fact that there were two really good finalists (the less successful guy appears to have won by the way) helped immensely. And while Ruben might not be burning up the Top 40 now, he was such a talented and likeable guy while on the show. Yoy genuinely got the sense that he loved being there and that he truly appreciated every minute. Not once was this guy arrogant. Also, this was the first time my a-black-person-will-never-win-anything argument was debunked (by the way, the same one will be used right up until the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November) and I loved tuning in to see if America would pitch the big, scary, black dude in favor of the aw shucks white dude. I was wrong. Not the first time by the way.
5. Jeopardy! (All the time): This is a cheat, but whenever I'm home at 7:30, it's on. Movies can wait, the Sox and Cees just started, and Seinfeld has been moved off of the same time slot. Plus, is there anything better than crushing Final Jeopardy when a few friends are around? I know my friends love it, because then they have to hear about all night. If only I hadn't gotten a negative 17 on the Jeopardy! test, I may have been a contestant for real.
4. NYPD Blue (Seasons 4 and 5): I have no doubt that The Wire, The West Wing, and Law & Order are great shows, but drama never did it for me. Except for this show. These two seasons were after the hype died down and it was at the top of its game. We all loved Sipowicz and his name still inspires a fashion insult (as when one wears a short sleeve button down with a tie, it has to be called, "The Sipowicz") but it was Smits as Bobby Simone that helped the show make the jump. Throw in the awesome Lieutenant, Detectives Medavoy and Martinez, and a great Kim Delaney and you had one of the best casts going. I still to this day find the Delaney/Smits relationship as one of the most believable fictional relationships and it was their storyline that always kept the show balanced. While it tanked in later years, seasons four and five of "The Blue" were perfect television.
3. Late Night With David Letterman(Summers of 1991-1993): Remember, the dude was still on at 12:30 then, so unless I wanted to sleep through first period Latin (which I pretty much did, ergo the retaking of it in college), I could only consistenly watch it during the summers. And watch I did. This guy is still a genuis (and he gets the best musical guest going), but those summers were particularly memorable. He was battling Leno for Carson's spot at this time and I remember vehemently defending and promoting the awesomeness of Dave (and Larry "Bud" Melman, likely the most unintentionally hilarious person to ever walk the Earth. Where Dave found him still befuddles me.) and his show. Like the War in Iraq, my opinion (which was in the minority) on the late night battle has proven correct as Dave makes Leno seem as funny as HIV. These days, Dave is still amazing, but it was in those nights before his move to CBS that he truly shined. And in terms of unforgettable moments, I still remember Dave handing out canned hams to the audience and imitating the CBS execs by saying, "We signed this guy for $100 million and he's passing out hams?" Classic Dave.
2. Entourage (Seasons 2-Present): Yes, I know it's new, but that's EXACTLY why it has to be ranked this high. HBO replays the show 71 times during the week and I can DVR it whenever I want, but I just HAVE to be home at 10 on Sunday nights during the summer to see the best thing currently on TV. Some people think the show has petered out and that it is dangerously close to jumping the shark, but I will always disagree. It is perfect and in an era of 289 channels and 7986 television shows to choose from, the fact that there is only ONE show I must be home for has to be worth something, no? And if you need more support, it's got Drama, who as I age, I am becoming eerily similar to. I think that should worry me.
1. Seinfeld (All seasons, but 8-10 are ridiculously awesome): What is there to say? I'll give you this story to show the importance of Seinfeld... In the Happy Valley, my roomates and I would split Michelob Light 18 Packs (Do they still make these by the way? A pre game of nine beers was PERFECT at 21!) as we showered and got ready for... Seinfeld (at precisely 9:30:01, we'd be off to Time Out). I mean, it could have been all-girl-save-for-us six-moron-dudes/free beer night Uptown and we STILL wouldn't go out until the conclusion of Seinfeld. And Seinfeld was on Thursdays!!!!! The best drinking night of the week at The Zoo!!!!! So any show that delayed my attending a bar and getting extremely drunk had to be must watch TV, right?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Awesome, Awesome, Awesome
There are two types of writing I love (and two million I hate- Stupid Diablo Cody).
The first is the kind that is so simple that you feel like YOU could have done it. But yet it is so good and just thismuch better than yours that you have to love it. Some examples are Good Will Hunting, High Fidelity, many a Klosterman essay, Love Actually, several Bill Simmons pieces (even better is The Sports Gal's Bachelor Blog), Something Borrowed, Something Blue, The Descent, The Day After Tomorrow (Not the horrible, cheesey movie, but the wildly entertaining, cheesey book of an entirely different subject), and Family Ties episodes.
The second is the kind that you know you could absolutely NEVER write because you just aren't talented enough and they blow you away because they are so ridiculously good. Examples include: Pulp Fiction, Black Hawk Down, all music by The National, Napoleon Dynamite, Ray Lamontagne lyrics, To Kill A Mockingbird, anything by Shakepeare (I'm not quite in his league), Dan Shaugnessey pieces, and The Sixth Sense.
Well, last week, I found a website that contains BOTH of the types of writing that I love. I'm not sure how it managed to do this, but it did. Be prepared to die when you see this and set aside a good forty five minutes (something tells me you have that to kill at work). It is absolutely brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant. The link to the site is on the right called the Best Blog Ever. Go through the list and check off all the stuff you too "like." I think I checked them all. And can we come up with some others? How about Dave Matthews?
Anyways, I am so in love with this blog that not even the near two million hits is enough to make me jealous. I need to meet the author immediately, but I do wonder how long it will last. My favorites are number 4, 9 (a common annoyance of mine!), 10, 36, 51, and 70. And I saw it before Simmons linked it. That bastard beat me again. If I'm not careful, he's going to write a play about six dudes who get attacked by zombies while on a camping trip...
Monday, March 3, 2008
Fraud
The following is a disclaimer...
If you are a certified Oprahphile, this post will upset you. read at your own risk.
My good friend Steve is constantly calling me out on stuff. And I love it. Because I need to be called out.
So recently, while playing cards and in between sessions of marry, fuck, kill (I married Alba pre-pregnancy, fucked Biel, and killed Angie because I would never fuck or marry my boy Brad's woman), we were discussing self help books. It continues to shock me that these books not only are written, agented, printed, published, and purchased, but are always at or near The New York Times Best Seller List. And Steve said to me...
"Gerard, travel the country."
He's right. I haven't traveled the country and I should (I do not travel at all, unless Springfield counts) because I don't know many people. That said, I still can't believe that this country drinks up (like a milkshake) these goddamn self help books. And I have one person to blame for the infatuation people have with said books: Oprah.
Oprah is the very definition of fraud. I understand that her show has some good people on it. I understand that she brings awareness to causes that many of us do not know about. I understand that she donates the equivalent of the GNP of The United Arab Emirates to various charities throughout the world (but does she constantly have to remind us how much she does for charity?!?). But I will never understand how people are so bamboozled by her. Maybe these Oprah zealots ARE NOT really bamboozled by her, but they just take her for what she is, much like I do with Ryan Seacrest? I hope so.
But I cannot contain my hatred for Oprah and her goddamn book club.
This month's- or quarter or semester or whatever time frame Steadman's girlfriend uses for her book club- selection is A New Earth by a cat named Eckhart Tolle (pronounced tool I bet). Tolle-I guess- found enlightment after some spiritual journey he went on in his mid twenties. He also wrote a book called The Power of Now, which sold two million copies. I think Hallmark wrote the book The Power of Now once, only it was one line long and the cover was a bird flying over a rainbow. When you opened the cover of the card- I mean book- there was a sentence that said, "Believe in yourself NOW and IT (whatever it may be to you. Money, power, love) will happen."
That is basically what The Power of Now is about.
Now, I have no idea what A New Life is about because I haven't read it. But I can assume that it is some Zen/Buddhist rip off that Mr. Tolle calls his own ideas. And it's so good, that it is now the best selling book in America.
I work diligently to NOT rip on what changes peoples lives or what blows their hair back. I'm the guy who tell strangers on the street to see Michael Clayton, I cry every time the credits to Return of the Jedi roll, and I think Wonderwall is the greatest poetry ever concocted. So I'm a tool. I get that.
And I always support people who read. Read anything. I don't care if it's Ayn Rand or Ann Landers. Just read. (Note: I know that "Ayn" is not pronounced "Ann." It's just that Atlas Shrugged and an advice column are all I could think of in terms of two literary works that are the complete antithesis of one another.)
But don't read self help books.
They don't help. At all.
Now, Oprah naming a self help book to her book club wouldn't bother me if it weren't the fifty third such book she has placed in her club.
Why does she eat these things up so much? And why do the Oprahphiles (can I trademark that by the way?) just follow her lead and consume it as well? Is there anyone out there who will question her AT ALL? Does anyone DARE challenge the Friend of Gail? Why will no one even for one second say, "You know what? Oprah and all her self healing stuff is... Crap?!?"
And so we readers (As a loyal subscriber to Us and Entertainment Weekly, I feel confident in calling myself a reader) are subjected to listening to people talk about these horrific books that Oprah continues to shill.
Listen, I know that Oprah is not the sole person responsible for these horrific books being read, but I can't blame her audience TOO much (although I really wish I read at least ONE scathing review of The Power of Now on Amazon) because at least they are reading SOMETHING when they thumb through her selections (as opposed to the rest of the society, which reads nothing).
But why can't she select varying genres? Why does she have to continually choose the same books (memoirs of drug addicts, self help books, rags to riches stories) over and over again? Can I get some Chick Lit in there? Or maybe a current affairs book? How about a western? Or why not a Cormac McCarthy book? Granted, I'm not a huge fan of his, but at least her readers will learn a new vocabulary word (or a thousand as I have to look up four words a paragraph when I read Cormac).
And plenty of blame can be spread to Mr. Tolle. This guy makes a used car salesman seem as honest as a Supreme Court Justice. I do not believe for one millisecond that he has ANY interest in helping people at all. He wrote these books to make money and that is exactly what he is doing. If only I could have thought of that.
Anyways, I do wish people would read more books, particularly novels. I saw a statistic that said 87% of all fictional works are purchased by women (so when you write a novel about men that is marketed toward men, don't be surprised when nary a one publisher picks it up because men don't read. Or maybe publishers just think the book sucks), so it makes sense that Oprah selects the books she selects. I don't mean to stereotype, but I'm guessing her audience is largely women and so I understand why she is not opting for the story of the men at The Battle of the Bulge. As I said before, it would be nice if she mixed it up at least a little bit.
I'm bitter about the whole writing process, yes, and many of you are probably thinking that I'm taking it out on Oprah. But she deserves some heat here. She is basically keeping the publishing industry alive and she has to be blamed for pimping these ridiculous self help books that are being written by snake oil salesmen (keep in mind, she is the person that gave Dr. Phil a career and he is arguably the worst human on Earth).
Those comments you are making about my jealousy are true and I freely admit that (I still envision the outfit I'll wear on Oprah when she has me on), but they are also partially unfair. I love championing books. Good books that is. I love that publishers still make hard cover books. I love that Moby showed his book shelf on an episode of Cribs. I love going to a persons house and seeing that they actually HAVE BOOKS. I love going to readings and meeting authors (you will not meet a more pleasant bunch of famously unfamous people by the way). I love that if you email an author telling them how much you enjoy their work, they will almost immediately respond to you. So to say I am jealous is not entirely true. It's just that- like music and film- there ia some great stuff out there that people don't know about. And when someone has such an influence, as Oprah clearly does, then it is her responsibility to champion stuff that deserves it. And books about how to sort out your life are not worth championing.
Just read people. And like I say with film, read everything. Don't let Oprah tell you what to read. Take a trip through the book store and read the back of books and find something you like. Just stay out of the section with the sign that says "Self Help."
That's what alcohol is for.
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