Why Do You Have To Be So Creepy, Dude?

Before I get started, let me say that this is long. REALLY LONG. Even by my standards. Long enough that I had to break it into two parts. So be quiet. This is what I like to do, okay? That said, it's not as long as stupid golf. Or a stupid NFL game.

Let me say that I also received some comments about the film The Game. I love The Game. It's awesome. I keep it on every time it's on TV and I think Michael Douglas (as I'll cite shortly) is a very underrated actor. But I called it run-of-the-mill because it's just a thriller, albeit a very good one. I probably should have used a different word, but my point was that it's not like Penn was really challenging himself in that role. It was actually nice that he took that role and made it work, so in reality, I should probably be praising Penn, not criticizing him for it. I think my point is that guys I like catch a lot of heat for not stretching themselves and playing "simple" roles, when in fact, everyone does this, including the "heavyweight champ" of acting. So when you want to criticize an actor for a poor role (I frequently hear, "The Mexican," with a certain guy I like), remember, they all have bombs and they all take "simple" roles. What makes an actor better than the next is how many bombs they've had and how badly they bombed (Gigli is worse than The Mexican and you know it).

So, who is better than De Niro, Pacino, Penn, and Day-Lewis? Well, shockingly, I have an opinion. But before I get to those, lemme establish some ground rules.

Firstly, an actor has to have been in a goodly number of movies. Years ago, my friends and I used 10, but to make my argument work against Day-Lewis, I'm going 15.

I'm kidding. I'll stick with the 10.

Next, a person has to have played a REGULAR GUY.

I know this sounds strange, but long ago, I heard James Lipton say the easiet thing is to play a weird, drug addicted, mentally disabled, sick, or downright crazy person. Or a deranged killer. I agree with this, but only somewhat because if that's the case, then you have to revoke 50 Academy Award wining performances (Forrest Gump, Hannibal Lecter, Hanks in Philadelphia, Denzel in Training Day, to name a few) and that isn't fair. I would like to think that the people voting for best actor/actress know a lot more than me and James Lipton and so you CANNOT eliminate that acting genre.

That said, I've always said that playing a regular guy is hard because you have to act like..... One of us. And you have to pull it off. You have to make it believable. That's why I love Clarice Starling so much. She was just a green as can be, scared FBI agent and she made it so believable. That's one of the best acting performances I've ever seen. Same with Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List. He is just a regular dude, trying to save his friends and family from total hell. And he does it so subtlely.

The next is that an actor has had to have a variety of different roles where you actually forget that they are the actor they are. That's why I hate De Niro so much. I feel like he's just playing that Italian Mobster all the time, even in Meet The Parents.

The next is that you have had to have had some sort of passionately strong feeling for him/her. You have to really have pulled for them or been devastated when they died (crushed when Goose died, completely unaffected when the partner in In The Line of Fire died). Or you have to WISHED them dead (Amon Goeth in Schindler's) or you have to have been scared shitless of them (see Bardem, Javier). That's why I hated Litle Miss Sunshine so much. I couldn't have cared less what happened to anyone in that film. We'll call this the Passion Moment.

Another is that you have to forget WHO they are. This is much more difficult in the internet/saturation age as I said in my previous post because we know SO MUCH about every actor. So it is hard to see them as NOT who they are in real life. But it can be done, from time to time.

The last is that you had to have at least one BIG ONE. One knock it out of the park cinematic achievement. We'll call it the Crowning Achievement Moment. A part in a film that will so touch you forever that you will never forget it. People say that De Niro and Pacino and Penn and Day-Lewis have all had them. That's fine. I think they have too. But lots of other actors have had those moments too and that's only part of the criteria.

No over the topness. I know I've used this word a thousand times (It's my version of Randy's "pitchy"), but subtlety is just so key. It's all I want. No big, dramatic over the topness. That's not acting. Subtlety is acting.

Lastly, mannerisms. This to me is so hard to do when you "act." To remember to make a certain facial expression, to shrug, to look scared, or to make a certain hand motion is just amazing. That is why I love Damon as my man Will Hunting. What he does with his looks and mannerisms is astounding. Yelling and screaming after your kid died (Penn in Mystic River) is easy. That's what anyone would do. Remembering to jump ever so slightly as Kingsley did when Goeth shoots the kid in Schindler's is absolutely incredible.

So there it is. Not a lot of factors, but a few. But everyone mentioned on this list is better than The Italian Stallion Duo.

And with those thoughts in mind, let's begin today's section of actors better than De Niro and Pacino (and most are better than Penn and Day Lewis too).

The Old Guys Who Probably Took Too Many Roles But Had Some Shining Moments Over The Years- Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman, Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford, Michael Douglas, Anthony Hopkins

It's tough to NOT see these guys as Connery, Freeman, Ford, Eastwood, and Douglas (Hopkins? Well, I see him as a man eater) but they are consistently awesome, often funny and have had their Crowning Achievements (The Untouchables, Shawshank, Witness, Million Dollar Baby, Wall Street). They are all hurt by taking too many similar roles (outlaws, some guy code named 007) and they have cashed plenty of checks (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Space Cowboys come to mind). But they make great cops and I most surely would have voted for a Deep Impact Morgan Freeman for president. And I gotta say Harry is better than the Heat duo. C'mon, he was Han Solo and Indy for crissakes. Douglas is the most evil dude ever as Gordon Gekko and I loved him in Fatal Attraction and Wonder Boys (who knew he could be that hilarious?). As for Sir Anthony? Well, I think he had his Crowning Achievement role, don't you?

Young, On The Rise, And Will Be Better Than Bobby And Al- Ryan Gosling and Jake Gyllenhal

I just love Ryan Gosling. I find him to be absolutely amazing and somehow, he has managed to stay under the radar. Given the fact that he was in The Notebook, On The Mickey Mouse Club, and young and good looking, I find this to be a tremendous feat. And man do I love him in Half Nelson. To think he could be nominated for back to back Academy Awards at 27 is incredible. Then there's Gyllenhal. I gotta say, this guy gets it done. There's something about him you don't WANT to like, but with Brokeback Mountain, he already meets the Crowning Achievement moment. Then, he carried the culty Donnie Darko and he was the man in Zodiac.

The Brits and The Aussies- Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Clive Owen, Ralph Fiennes

Let's get the easy one out of the way: Fiennes. Did you see Schindler's List? As for the others, they don't fit ALL of the qualifications and some would say they are often overrated and might be loved just because they are not American, but they've ALL had their crowning achievements in Notes On A Scandal, Elizabeth, Little Children, and Children of Men. Throw in the fact that they have been ridiculous in bit part/big budget Hollywood films (Shakepeare In Love, Inside Man, Eternal Sunshine, Babel) and they truly get it done. Also, we know less about this foursomes personal lives, so they are always more believable.

Would Have Been Awesome Had They Not Gotten Weird/Crazy- Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise

I know you see Kilmer and say, what?!?!?!? But remember this: The guy is pushing 50, has been in almost 50 movies (nothing good in 10 years by the way), but I always kept a soft spot in my heart for him. I'm not sure really why. Maybe it's that weird bite thing he does in Top Gun. Maybe it's because he was so hilarious in Top Secret. And I know it's a stretch to say he's BETTER than De Niro and Pacino, but he proves my point that great performances from 15 years ago don't mean that you are forever a great actor. Now, he hasn't been Tony Montana or Jake Lamotta but he WAS Jim Morrison and like Pacino and De Niro, he could live off that, right? He was also awesome in Tombstone, Real Genuis, True Romance and more recently, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Now I'm not trying to convince you here, I'm just asking you to think about it. He had his one RIDICULOUS performance and some solid ones. And A TON of bombs. Sound like anybody you know? Speaking of which, he also stole that movie that those two clowns were in.

As for the next guy, remember that really bitter breakup you went through? Remember how, even though you were together eight years and had a bunch of really good days, it was hard to remember those because of how horrific the end was? That's what I like to think about with Tom Cruise. He is literally public enemy number one, but if you can try (reach deep into your heart) to forget about the fact he has turned Katie Holmes into a robot and his penchant for putting his feet atop furninture on TV, remember his run..... Risky Business, Top Gun, Rain Man, Born On The Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, Jerry Maguire, Eyes Wide Shut, his ridiculous role in Magnolia and a huge bounce back in Collateral. Yes, he plays the same guy every time (living in his father's shadow, cocky, charming), but he's played it so well. And he proved for us in Collateral that he could be a pretty convincing evil dude.

I Like Them More And More Every Time I See Them- Viggo Mortensen, Terrence Howard, Joaquin Phoenix, Keira Knightley, Jamie Foxx

I've really liked Viggo since Crimson Tide. I just loved what he brought to that Simpson/Bruckheimer movie. And then he's just crushed it in A History of Violence and Eastern Promises. He's rapidly ascending the list. Terence Howard has had his Crowning Achievement in Hustle and Flow. He was also incredible in Ray and saved the overrated Crash. But he was in Glitter. At least he did that EARLY in his career rather than being in The Godfather and THEN Gigli. Joaquin Phoenix has such range. He may one day TOP this list and be put in the conversation with Day-Lewis and Penn. He is an incredible bad guy and was phenomenal as Johnny Cash, but it was Signs that showed his range. In a big budget summer movie, he killed it playing a hilarious REGULAR dude, which you know I love (interesting nugget: That part was originally supposed to go to a guy you'll see tomorrow). Keira Knightley got it done in Pride and Prejudice and was believable in Domino. Plus, I loved her sincerity in Love Actually. Then there's my boy Foxx. Yeah, he killed it in Ray, but to me, it was Collateral that is his Crowning Achievment. I'm serious. He was so, so, SO good in that and so believable. The part where he has to go get the hit list in the night club and pretend he's the assasin straight up gives you the chills. Talk about being a ridiculous regular guy. And then his anger in the trailer park scene in Miami Vice was my passion moment. You wanted him to fuck up every person in that room. If it weren't for Stealth, he may have made tomorrow's list.

The Studs Who Can't Crack My Top Ten Because Of The Departed And The Da Vinci Code- Jack and Hanks

God, you two, why did you do it? I said in a post months ago that Jack's Departed role will be laughed at in five years. It's as painfully over the top as anything I've seen. That said, he's just been too good to deny. About Schmidt was so awesome and you still can't turn away from Colonel Jessup. Imagine that guy was the dad of a girl you were dating? As for Hanks, that stretch of Philadelphia, Gump, Apollo 13, Road to Perdition, and Saving Private Ryan (I didn't even have to mention Big) is almost too much to take. He literally was NOT Hanks as Captain John Miller in Private Ryan. I couldn't believe how convincing he was in that. But Hanks, Da Vinci Code? Yuck..... And to think I was willing to forget Joe Versus The Volcano.

The Tough, Tough, Nearly Impossible Omissions From Tomorrow's List- Denzel, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Jodie Foster, Ben Kingley, Johnny Depp

They miss for petty reasons, but I'll tell you anyways. Denzel plays Denzel every time. Yes, we all say this and yes he is incredible playing Denzel. He's had his Crowning Achievment in Glory, but it kills me that he's always playing a cop. And it's tough to put a guy in the top 10 when his Academy Award winning role wasn't even the best acting job in the picture. Phillip Seymour Hoffman's omission is more insane: He creeps me out so much in his roles that I literally don't think I can be friends with him. How does this guy pick up a woman? Don't they see him as a creepy, weird, shady prick every time? Jodie Foster has always been one of my faves. Two words: Clarice Starling. And her bit part in Inside Man was awesome as was her CARRYING of Contact, a super underrated film. But her bad picks kill her. I gotta stay consistent on something, no? Ben Kingsley was actually the toughest omission. I just loved him so much in Schindler's and then he put chills in me in The House of Sand and Fog. But I felt like too much of a fraud if I put him in the top ten, so sayonara. Then there's Depp. I love you Johnny, I do. I see him in every film and his recent stretch has been ridiculous. Plus, I just love his whole..... Being. But something's always been missing for me and I guess it's that to me, he's never had his Passion Moment. I haven't wished death, survival, or shed tears for any of his characters. He's been awesome, but he misses that. Sorry Johnny.

There are many other actors I really enjoy, or at least specific roles they've played. Over the years, Kevin Spacey, Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Timothy Hutton, Jon Cusack, Sam Jackson, Annette Benning, Giovani Ribisi, Sigourney Weaver, Barry Pepper, Vince Vaughn, Gary Oldman, John Malkovich, Angelina Jolie, Jude Law, Christopher Walken, Ewan Macgregor, Jamie Bell, Jeff Bridges, Heath Ledger, Ed Harris, Sam Neill, Benicio Del Toro, Joan Allen, Bill Hurt, Will Smith, Tim Roth, Julie Delpy, and Diane Lane have all been incredible. But I just couldn't get excited to write about any of them. Plus, I figured your retinas were burning reading the screen so I stopped writing. That said, they still beat the La Cosa Nostra Two and the peeps tomorrow will crush them.

Even more.

Wait and see.....