We Are Here To Pump You Up

I go to the gym. I don't like it very much, but I go. I'm not one of those people who lists on their blog/ myspace/ match.com (I don't have one of these! I swear!) profile that it is an "interest." Seeing as I am 33, unmarried, in the education profession, and being fairly positive I saw a gray hair the other day, I think that going to the gym is more of an essential thing. But if I could take a gym "pill" and sit on my couch and watch General Hospital, I most definitely would. Actually, I think I can take that pill. It's called heroin.

Anyways, I've often wondered why the reality television show hasn't cashed in on the lunacy that is the gym. I know Bravo tried a show, but it was more focused on how a gym was run. I think the reality show should be like that Taxi Cab Confession show (I can't believe I know that exists). It should focus on the people who attend the gym and what goes on there. But mostly, the show should just focus on the ridiculous people that are there. Maybe it could be set up Mystery Science Theater 3000 style where a trio of people make clever remarks about the morons at the gym. That might be where the comedy value lies: Having people make fun of people at the gym.

I don't have a gym "partner" but I often wish I did, just so I could have someone to laugh with. Instead, I have only myself to laugh with. I often tell the stories the next day and get a chuckle, but they would be so much funnier if someone could actually SEE what goes on at my gym rather than hear it second hand, because some of the stuff is so hysterical, you literally cannot believe it is happening. So, over the past couple of days (weeks, months, years), I made a few observations about the people at the gym. Oh, and I also frequently pause my iPod and eaves drop on peoples conversations (raise your hands if you've never done this. I see that there are no hands up. I thought so.), but I'll report on those another day. Here, for now are the 16 types of people that attend the gym.

Loud Lifter Guy- A friend of mine once said that you can tell how a person is in bed by the sounds they make at the gym. If that's the case, this guy has probably had sex with women once and once only because there is NO WAY a woman is going back to this guy a second time after they hear his yawlps. One day, as I was listening to my ipod on full blast (and thus insuring my future deafness), I heard an "AHHHHHH!" I said to myself, "that's weird, I never noticed that the background singer in stellastarr* screamed 'ah' periodically throughout the song." Well, when it went into the next song, I knew something was up so I paused my ipod and heard this dude screaming "AHHHHHHHHH" at the top of his lungs after each rep. And not only did I hear him, but people in Everett heard him as well and my gym is in Cambridge.

Stinky Breath Guy- This guy asks me for a spot every time. And it is usually on an excercise where I have to stand in front of him. And where he exhales frequently. And then he knocks me out with his halitosis.

Small Shorts Guy- Does this guy have no friends? Does he not have a wife or girlfriend or partner? Because how could anybody who is even remotely close to this guy NOT tell him that his shorts are inappropriately tiny and that when he sits on the ab bench we can see his nuts? Does he not look around and see everyone wearing appropriate length shorts or even swishy pants? I know the spandex guy takes a lot of heat (rightfully so by the way), but spandex look like Kevin Garnett's shorts compared to Small Shorts guy. Go to Sports Authority and buy a pair of Champions dude! For all of our sakes.

Bad Form Guy- A perennial Fave. Loads up on all sorts of weight. Takes a minute to get himself psyched up. A small crowd gathers to watch this strong man throw up this weight. Then he goes and does something that the human body is not supposed to do while "lifting" the weight. The end result looks like a member of the Italian National Soccer Team flopping after a slide tackle.

Woman Who May or May Not Be A Stripper But Is Certainly Dressing To Look The Part - I see these ladies and wonder where exactly they bought the tank top the have on. I've never seen one at Dicks Sporting Goods or Modells (not that I'm in the sports bra section that often), but she found it..... Somewhere. Maybe it was at Fredericks or that Brazilian store across the street from me. You will also know this woman by the ratio of times she adjusts her hair elastic to the number of excercises actually done. It is usually 25:1. All of this being said, I still enjoy her arrival at the gym.

Overly Friendly Guy- Usually a middle aged man, he is the guy who comes bombing up to every person at the gym like he's their long lost friend. He greets everyone very enthusiastically and when you first witness him, you think he may be the Mayor or at the very least, have some social disorder. As your time at the gym wears on, you realize that he is not a mayor, nor mentally handicapped. He's just an idiot. With a terrible tank top.

Bad Tattoo Guy- Yes, these people are present everywhere, but there seems to be a real overabundance of them at the gym. You would think that in a day and age where we can correct vision, transplant livers, and transfer tendons into elbows that we would have come up with something to erase tattoos because there is no way that those 32 year old guys walking around my gym can think those barb wire tattoos on their upper arms are still a good idea, can they? I mean, it was a somewhat palatable look in Cancun in '95 but..... Wait. It was never a good idea. Scratch that.

Steep Up Hill Treadmill Walker- These peeps wouldn't bother me if they were actually doing a helpful excercise, but instead they are HOLDING THE TREADMILL RAILINGS WHILE THEY WALK UPHILL!!!!! STOP IT! IT DOESN'T HELP!!!!! It's almost as bad as the.....

Peep Who Spends Way Too Much Time Stretching- Stop stretching! It's not that benficial. I got a buddy who competitively runs marathons and he never stretches. I mean, if your hammy is a bit tight, a few toe touches might be in order, but you sitting on that mat and spening a half hour pretending you are Mary Lou Retton is not helpful. Do some abs for Christ's sake.

Personal Trainers- Is there anything more superflous on earth than these people? How have their jobs not been eradicated by magazines and the internet? If someone really needs someone to yell "Faster!" and "Two more!" at them while they labor through a work out, I'll do it. And not for $70 an hour. I'll do it for a six pack of Schlitz and a pizza. And why are trainers always talking about "engaging the core?" Does anyone even know what that means?

Guys Who Awkwardly Man Hug- Bill Simmons talks frequently about the awkwardness of the Rocky/Apollo beach man hug. It's not nearly as creepy as the gym dude hug. I especially like that it is a combination handshake/high five/hug that ultimately ends up in two muscley guys bumping chests. I'm telling you guys. Watch this sometime. It's the most awkward thing you've ever seen. Just go full on hug. It'd be way less weird. And besides, Ari Gold made huging cool again, so go with it.

Glove Guys- Unless you are one of Dutch's special forces guys hunting the Predator through the the jungle of Central America and hoisting around three hundred pound gatling guns or attending Man Ray on a Saturday night in '98, then under no circumstance should you be wearing fingerless, leather gloves.

Bad Clothes Peeps- I get it. You're at the gym. You don't want to wear your Armani suit, but is it necessary to look homeless (or like Bill Belichick)? I mean, get some shorts NOT covered in paint. Or a t-shirt without holes. I know the gym is not a night club, but come on. You guys look so pathetic that your almost FORCING your "I don't care" attitude. And wasn't the tank top banned at the gym at about the same time smoking in restaurants was? I swear it was attached to that bill.....

Chicks Who Talk And Don't Do Much- Go shopping. Or have a coffee. But don't stand in front of the machine I am trying to use and jam me up! I hate this godforsaken place and I want to leave! Take your overly loud conversation about your lame date this weekend and bring it to the steam room. Or tupperware party. Just get it away from me.

Workout Partner Guys- There are really only two of them, but they provide for my best story. I don't see these guys everyday, but when I do see them, what a treat. Some of the exercises they do: Face to face sit ups where they interlock feet (still haven't figured out how they do this) and give each other high tens after each rep. High leg stretches facing each other and placing their ankles on the opposite guys shoulder so that their almost stradling the face of the dude. And lastly, they line up the oblique benches next to one another, link hands, and then do side crunches. They look like a gym version of a pop and lock duo. All of this makes them seem gayer than hard core 300 fans.

And lastly.....

Guy Who Wears Only Black Because He Sweats Like A Whore In Church And Soaks Through All Light Colored Shirts While Belting Out Tunes By The National On His Ipod- You know this guy..... Because it's me.

God, there are such losers at the gym.....