Ladies Who Rock, Dance Beats, French Guys, And One Incredible Married Couple

It's an annual rite of winter: The Big G Song Post.

I'll anger Brennan, steal from my bro, help Matt buy stocking stuffers, confuse people who listen to Kiss 108, talk about The National, forget stuff, get frustrated that I can't link the video, and as I creep towards 36, get to act the hipster, doofus, music, poseur that I so desperately want to be.

Before we get to the list, let me just say what a down year it was for music (you can say differently Brennan and I had listened to/since listened to many of the bands you listed in your comment. And while many of the bands you discussed show up here, others are just god awful. The Avett Brothers? I didn't like them when they were the Travelling Wilbury's. The Decemberists and Built To Spill?!? What are you, a 20 year old sophomore girl at Mt. Holyoke?). There were no releases from some of my staple favorites like Cold War Kids, Bloc Party, TV On The Radio, Coldplay, Arcade Fire, and those guys from New York with that song about some guy named Mr. November. And the releases from people I really like in Jay Z, The Heartless Bastards, Weezer, Massive Attack, were weak. Jack White and Dave Grohl's super groups were lame and the much anticipated Muse album was horrendous. Even my boys Death Cab- who didn't release an album- got into the poop party with an absolutely terrible single of of the New Moon Soundtrack. And every year, I have some Top Forty hits on my list and even in THAT world of Kelly Clarkson, T.I., and JT, there was nothing doing.

But, despite all that, I found a few good ones and maybe they will find their way onto your new iPod or New Year's Resolution Run List. In the words of Tone Loc, let's do it.

52. "Actor Out Of Work," St. Vincent: With women dominating my list, we may as well start it off with this catchy little diddy. Would have been higher on the list had her concert full of indie, hipster, fans who take themselves far too seriously hadn't ruined her performance.

51. "Song Away," Hockey: Don't ever look at a picture if these guys, because they look like a slightly cooler version of Good Charlotte, thus making you want to beat them up and ignore their music. But then you hear their hook filled music and can't resist. Plus, they sound like a slightly girlier version of The Walkmen and that's certainly no bad thing.

50. "(If You're Wondering If I want You To) I Want You To," Weezer: I'm so upset Klosterman beat me to the perfect line to describe Weezer (a band now known for disappointing their fans), but as much as they frustrate me, they still manage to fire out songs like this, keeping you just interested enough to hold out hope. But at this point, it's like the end of a relationship you know is doomed to fail and you are only holding on because you haven't found anything to replace him/her yet.

49. "Feeling The Pull," Swell Season: Not as good as the stuff on the Once soundtrack, but now that Elliot Smith has left us, this pair might be our best alternative for painful love songs.

48. "Over It," Dinosaur Jr.: Like every other band that I love who released an album this year, this wasn't their best effort, but if you want to hear Dino Jr. be Dino Jr., then grab this single or at least check it out on Comcast because the video is pretty cool too.

47. "Just Say Yes," Snow Patrol: Re-read the above and just insert Snow Patrol for Dinosaur Jr.

46. "Her Diamonds," Rob Thomas: Shut up. I still have credibility. I do. For real.

45. "Dominos," The Big Pink: Two things about this song. 1) Record companies and music marketing departments and program directors at radio stations amaze me because I have absolutely no idea how they retain their jobs. We are in the worst job market since wind up cars ruled the roads and somehow, these people have jobs. How they do when they CONTINUE to ignore songs like this absolutely fascinates me. This song would be a mega crossover hit. It would start on alt rock stations and then eventually end up on Top 40 stations before it was remixed and ended up on a hip hop station. So inother words: Dowload this. Please 2) With a chorus that goes: "These girls fall like dominos, dominos," how has this not been used in a Tiger remix with all his hos? People befuddle me.

44. "Kings and Queens," 30 Seconds To Mars: I cannot believe I like this song. Guess it brings me back to my emo high school days when I was emo before emo even existed. Hey Molly... there's something I discovered first... emo music! I probably shouldn't be proud of this...



43. "Intro," xx: Absolutely one of my favorite albums of the year (and they're 20.... Pricks) starts of with this awesome little instrumental. Like Coldplay did with "Life In Technicolor," let's hope xx someday set this one to lyrics.

42. "Bonfire," Third Eye Blind: When I want to be tarnsported back to my post college early 20s and the Goo Goo Dolls are unavailable, TEB is always an acceptable substitute.

41. "The Fear," Lily Allen: I really, really love the poor woman's Feist that Lily Allen is. And she just continues to craft great singles.

40. "Relator," Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson: While I love Pete Yorn and his power ballads, I must say that Scar Jo, while always looking ridiculously hot, can't act for shit. But who knew she could sing? And guys, watch the video. Nice upgrade over gross, old Alanis, Ryan...



39. "California On My Mind," Wild Light: Yes, I know they are from New Hampshire. But I liked that girl who won Survivor and she's from Arkansas, so I can probably like one thing from New Hampshire as well. And it's not Loudon or white trash, so it may as well be Wild Light.

38. "The Blue Print," Dear Leader: Like Snow Patrol, Dear Leader sounds like Dear leader and like the rest of the bands releasing albums in 2009, it wasn't their best, but this is most definitely worth your time. Plus, they are opening up for Cheap Trick in January, so that must make them kind of cool, no? What do you think the crowd looks like at that place?

37. "Girls," Dirty Projectors: One of the better releases of the year, but still not up to the hype. I WANT Dirty Projectors to happen and they are close, but they aren't there yet. Except for this song. In the words of Guy Fieri, on point.

36. "Soft Shock," Yeah Yeah Yeahs: A great album from the band who brought us the best video of the aughts (not really sure why, I just love it). Definitely worth a purchase and this song should have been a far bigger hit than it was. Actually, let's relive that Best Video Of The Aughts...



35. "Up To Our Nex," Robyn Hitchcock: You know my measurement of a the loving of a song is when you hear it and say, "what is this?" Well, this happened with this great piece of Brit Pop during Rachel Getting Married (Tunde should have been in it far more). It's an immediate download and absolutely worth you $.99.

34. "The Walls Are Coming Down," Fanfarlo: A band compared to Arcade Fire hailing from Europe and produced by the same guy who produces albums by The National? Sure, I'm not going to like THIS. The album as a whole gets a bit folky at times, but one listen to this song and you're hooked.

GREAT BIG FAT CHEAT ALERT!!!

33. "Wake Up," Arcade Fire: Yes, it's from 2004's The Funeral, but it was re-recorded for the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack and hearing it on the trailers made me really miss Arcade Fire (who hasn't released an album in nearly three years), so I put it on the list because it WAS released this year. And it's my list and all.

32. "Daniel," Bat For Lashes: The phenomenal run of indie rock women continues. This album could very well have been released by Tori Amos (that wouldn't make EVERYONE happy, I know) and no one would have known the difference, only in a lot of ways it is BETTER than Tori Amos. Call it Tori Amos without those weird, annoying songs that had too much banging on instruments. A far more melodic and tight album with "Daniel" being one of the stars.

31. "Eet," Regina Spektor: Speaking of women in indie rock...

30. "Simple As...," Kid Cudi: What I am dying for all hip hop to be. Smart, catchy beat, and goddammit ORIGINAL. MTV and 94.5 can sttick with pumping out and hyping tired releases from Eminem (seriously, he released an album this year) and lame singles "featuring" T.I. and Lil' Wayne. I'll stick with this. If only high school boys would follow suit.



29. "Too Fake," Hockey: Again, don't look at them. Just listen. And try not to dance a little.

28. "The Fixer," Pearl Jam: Yes, I'm saying Pearl Jam released a good song (maybe even two) this year. Don't fall off of your chair. In fact, they released a good album. While I often get frustrated with fans of Pearl Jam who think that Pearl Jam is the only band, I must give them credit for releasing this really tight 40 minute album. They got back to the basics and this song in particular actually seemed... Happy. I hope Eddie isn't getting to soft on us, but if this is the result, soften up baby.

27. "Paris," Friendly Fires: Next to hearing a song for the first time and getting dominated by it, there is nothing better than going to see the opening band and witnessing a great headliner. This was the case with The Friendly Fires and while there are many great tracks on the album, this is the best.

26. "Islands," xx: More greatness from these young punks.

25. "Sweet Disposition," The Temper Trap: So, I'm riding in my car and switch to WFNX and on comes this little diddy and I figure it must be some Leftover Lunch song or something because I have never heard it. And I actually LIKE it. No wait, I LOVE it, but there is absolutely no way that FNX broke a song is there?!? They are too busy playing Sublime, The Beastie Boys, and trying to make the new Muse happen, so this CANNOT be new stuff can it?!? But wait... IT IS!!! Forget Tiger Woods; the most shocking story of 2009 is that WFNX actually introduced a new song to me. Simply unbelievable.

24. "Graffiti Eyes," stellastarr*: So my second favorite band releases a new album and the best they can do is number 25 on my list? Yup. I told you 2009 was disappointing. The lead singer was apparently too busy writing a screenplay that was purchased for $1,500,000 by Warner Brothers and is currently in development (true story). This guys side gig is writing one of the three best songs EVER in "My Coco" and my side gig is writing a blog that four people read. Life isn't fair.

23. "I Feel Better," Frightened Rabbit: More great Brit Pop, only with a slightly harder edge. As rocking as a song as you will find on the list and exactly the evidence you can give to those who see that music in this era is terrible.

22. "Sugarfoot," Black Joe Lewis: James Brown reincarnated as an indie rock band. Black Joe Lewis sort of restores your faith in music and when you hear, there is almost no way you cannot like it. I wish more radio stations would play stuff like this because there IS innovation out there that isn't weird. Black Joe Lewis shows us that good old American rock and roll is alive. You just have to look beyond Top 40 stations to find it.



21. "Little Secrets," Passion Pit: THE band of the moment right now delivers with their debut full length (they have an unbelievable EP as well). For those of you who love MGMT- and there are a TON of you who do- Passion Pit is 2009's MGMT, only MORE dancy if you can believe that. My boy McLough says they are too happy, but happy dance beats are right up my alley.

20. "You've Got The Love," Florence And The Machine: One of the two best albums of the year closes with this gem. There are a fleet of good songs on this and they run the full range of styles and sounds. This one has a distinct Moby feel and if you are looking for a gift for someone, impress them with your refined musical pallette and pick this disc up.

19. "I'm Confused," Handsome Furs: The other best album of the year. You'll see the Handsome Furs and Florence and The Machine paired together often over these last twenty songs. This song gets bonus points for the best video of the year. You'll see why.



18. "Lisztomania," Phoenix: Who knew the French could rock? Check out their version of this on SNL and try NOT being a fan.

17. "Siren Song," Bat For Lashes: This HAS to show up on some cheesey MTV show soon. Or at the very least, it will be in a fan video of Twilight clips or something. Has hit written all over it.

16. "Bulletproof," La Roux: The next in line of the awesome dance beats released this year. Could actually be higher, but I've only spent a couple weeks with it, so I didn't want to overreact. That said, you'll be singing, "Bulleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetproof!" all month.



15. "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked," Ida Maria: I often hate stop songs like this that become popular solely because of their sex related lyrics ("I Touch Myself" and "Laid" are two great examples), but try NOT singing along to this song. And a sweet little guitar hook to boot.



14. "With A Girl Like You," Dave Sitek: The only white guy in TV On The Radio contributed a song for the Dark Was The Night two disc compilation and it is unbelievable. So good in fact, that I thought it had to be a cover. Well, it's not. Check out those horns. And that guitar. I'm begging you.

13. "Last Dance," Raveonettes: Who knew the ultimate indie hipster band could write a song that would be a mega hit if it were to be on KISS 108 tomorrow?!? This is absolute proof that great music is not dead, but people are just looking in the wrong place. Also, maybe the best lyrics of the year.



12. "Zero," Yeah Yeah Yeahs: As many of you know, a key measurement of the greatness of a song is what I feel or how I react the first time I heard it. That opening keyboard and slow build made me sit in my freezing cold car until the end.

11. "VCR,"- xx: Yup, these young'uns again. Absolutely the best song on the album. And who knew that a duet NOT featuring Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton could be good?



10. "Funny The Way It Is," Dave Matthews Band: yes, I'm rapidly approaching my 36th year on Earth and yes, I have a Dave Matthews song cracking my top ten for the year. I don't hink I've ever gone back and forth with an artist more than I do with Dave Matthews. I know, I go back and forth with nearly EVERYTHING, but I usually just go back and then STAY forth, not go back again and then forth again... And then back and forth again (is this even making any sense?) like I do with Dave Matthews. He was awesome when I was in college. He suffered my backlash during my angry twenties. Then he released an awesome solo album. Then I saw him suck live when he jammed too much. Then he bounced back with a good show. Then his songs starting showing up in cheesey rom-com movie trailers. Then he played Fenway. Then he released too many live albums and was weird in interviews. Then he was awesome in concert (or maybe I was really drunk in the waiter service luxury box). Then he was weird in movies. And finally he released "Funny The Way It Is," which has the years best chorus. Try not being happy when that chorus kicks in. So I think- after almost 36 years of wisdom- I am at peace with Dave and who and what he is: He's a pretty damn good artist that has annoyed me over the years- largely because of his white Polo hat wearing fan base- and he will eventually be recognized as being far more influential than we currently realize he is. There. Dave Dissertation Done.

9. "Dog Days Are Over," Florence And The Machine: I just cannot say enough about this album and what a massive hit it could potentially be. I'm talking Jagged Little Pill massive. that's really how good it is and that is not a Big G exaggeration. You'll love the stop and restart in this one too.

8. "All We Want Is Everything," Handsome Furs: Noticing a pattern here? FATM and Handsome Furs are linked because I just cannot decide who released the better album this year. Another phenomeanl song for the best husband and wife team in music.

7. "Sleepyhead," Passion Pit: Put this on in your car as you are driving home from work on a Friday. Now try NOT singing along and doing a your car seated dance as these beats come pouring out of your speakers. By far the most fun CD of the year. And the most surprising too.



6. "Oh! Forever," BrakesBrakesBrakes: Okay, so you know my "what the hell is this song rule?" Well, one night I decide to watch Gossip Girl (not "s" Molly, just like you told me). I'm still unsure why I chose to do this. I think I wanted to see where these now rapidly ascending actors (Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford) got their start. Plus I like to be down with the pop culture. But enough excuses. I'm watching the show and on comes this catchy little tune (my sister would later tell me that Gossip Girl always has awesome music. How irrelevant is MTV again?). It sounds good at first and for whatever reason, the show keeps playing the song. I say to myself, "wow, this song is good... Wow this song is really good... Wow, this song is REALLY, REALLY good... Wow, this song is I'm downloading this and putting it atop my current run playlist right now good!!! So thanks Gossip Girl. But more importantly, thanks BrakesBrakesBrakes for writing the best mini-jam of the year. I wish I could rock out to this last 90 seconds of this song on Rock Band every night. I'll even give you the Gossip Girl clip, just so you can enjoy Blake Lively's tour de force performance just as I did.



5. "Daylight," Matt and Kim: I liked it before the Bacardi commercial I swear. Not LONG before, but before. True story.

4. "1901," Phoenix: I feel generic and boring putting this song in my top five as it is in everyone's top five, but how good is that little guitar riff that they keep repeating over and over?!? Good job Frenchies!!!

3. "Kiss With A Fist," Florence And The Machine: If I played this song for you right now you would think it is A) A lost Janis Joplin track, B) A White Stripes tune with a guest singer, or C) the single best rock song you've heard all year. And how is that a bad combination? And it's two minutes long, so it thunders so hard, yet leaves you wanting more. It has unbelievable lyrics, which I still can't decide if they are the angriest word I have ever heard or the most passionate (or maybe both?). And it makes you want to jump around and do the Bon Jovi fist pump, which, while a God-awful action to actually think of yourself doing, is wildly enjoyable when listening to a song like "Kiss With A Fist." For you casual music listeners, this is your absolute must download of the year. I will give you back your 99 cents if you don't like it. Honestly. Bill me.



2. "Radio Kaliningrad," Handsome Furs: All I have to say is that on occassion, I will just be walking down the street and think of the "WOO!" that is dropped midway through this song. I often hope that I don't say that "WOO!" out loud, else people think I am either on the spectrum or have tourettes. But ANY song that makes you want to randomly do that has to be an incredible song, no? And then on top of that, it's one of the best live songs you've ever heard. there are too many versions of it to find the perfect one, so go youtube it yourself and enjoy.

1. "Blood Buzz," The National: El Presidente is going to write about how awesome he is. Shaughnessey is going to rip Schilling. Klosterman is going to write about Guns N' Roses. And Simmons is going to mention The Shawshank Redemption. I'm going to put a song by The National as my number one, even when they haven't released an album in two and a half years. Deal with it. That said... Listen to that mini jam at the end... Between Clooney winning an Oscar and The National releasing new music, maybe 36 won't be so bad.

Sorting Out Tiger, Part II

Well, now I've officially got it off my chest. After this, it's on to better things. Enjoy France Tiger. See you at Augusta...

4. THE OUTRAGED FANS (AND THE ONE MOST LIKELY TO OFFEND YOU)

Tiger cheated on his wife. Get over it.

I think 75% of the people outraged are outraged simply because they got duped. Nearly everyone thought Tiger was the classiest celebrity going. If Paris Hilton or John Mayer was caught cheating with umpteen different skanks, no one would care because no one would be surprised. With Tiger, people are pissed because he bilked them. He presented an image of a classy, family guy who won every big match, said all the right things, and was involved in zero scandals.

But guess what? He's not like that because NO ONE IS. And that's what I wish The Outraged Fan would understand.

NO ONE is perfect and free of immoral behavior and so we can't judge others for what we deem to be "immoral acts." What one person sees as wholly immoral, another might see as a completely acceptable social more. That is why the people I get along with best and the people who are my closest and dearest friends are those that do not judge. They know that absolutely every person who has walked this Earth is immoral or, at the very least, has participated in a socially unacceptable act.

Before I go on my maniacal tirade, allow me to say that there are all levels of immorality and I understand that. That's why we have things called laws. It is immoral to murder, steal, bilk people out of money, assault people, vandalize property, and abuse children. People who would say these actions are moral are either not sane or were once part of The Mongolian Empire. Or maybe they were priests. Whatever the case, we know these things are immoral. That said, I still think it is largely laws that deter us from doing some of these things (if I could get away with, I would absolutely steal a new surround sound system from Best Buy) are laws. But that's another post for another time.

Today, the most immoral person on Earth appears to be Tiger Woods. He is a scumbag. he is a cheater. He is a liar. He is a hypocrite for saying he wants to deal with this privately, yet has made a billion dollars off of being a public figure. He probably could have handled the whole thing differently and next December 15, no one will care about this and we will have moved on (want proof of that? Kobe Bryant has the best selling athletic jersey in the world).

But right now, my anger towards the outraged fan climbing onto their horse with really long legs is driving me insane. Like I have said before about Tom Brady, I think a lot of people WANTED this to happen to Tiger. I think a lot of people dislike him for shallow reasons (his ethnicity being a huge one. Sorry, but I believe that regardless of the fact that you think it is a bomb toss) and this finally lets them have a chance to unleash their vitriol on him because he is an immoral scumbag. But I find all of this funny. And I found it funny because everyone is an immoral scumbag.

I say this not because I am a shady person or a guy (imagine if all guys wrote a tell all book about all the guys they know?!? The world would die out because women would kill every man alive for their scumbaggery and thus, would have no one to help them repopulate the world) or a scumbag myself. I may be all of those things to you, but one thing that I know I am is immoral. And you want to know how I know everyone else is immoral too? Because the other 5,999,999,999 homo sapiens walking this Earth are humans and all humans are immoral.

When was the last time you did drugs? But you just smoked pot right? You didn't do heroin because heroin is for scumbags.

When was the last time you hopped in a car after having a few too many to drink? But it was fine because you only lived a mile away, right?

When was the last time you kept the incorrect (in your favor) change you were given from the Starbucks barista? But that was fine because it was their fault and stealing from Starbucks is like stealing from the man anyways, right?

Did you cheat on a vocab test in high school? Drink before you were 21? Write a friends paper? Steal stuff from a party because it was bad (wait, I'm the only person who did that?!?)? Have you ever lied about your charitable donations on your taxes? Have you gotten free beers at Fenway because you know the beer guys? Have you visited a porn sight recently? How about a strip club? Were you secretly happy when you went to your ten year reunion and saw that the hottest girl in the class was now a fat whale? How many of you married folk chatted with that guy/girl at the bar a little longer than you should have? How many of you jerked off in your roommates shampoo bottle because you hated them (10 Hitching Post guys: That's not my story, I swear)? Who was speeding home from work today? Who has scammed someone on Ebay? Who has scalped tickets? How many of you are blogging while you should be working?

I presume that you see my point, and I also know what you are going to say. "But Big G, you are being ridiculous. There are different LEVELS of immorailty and you can't compare speeding to cheating on your wife."

And you're right. But only partially. There are different levels of immorality, but who decides what is a 10 on the immorality scale and what is a 1? Is it you Newt Gingrich? You Felger and Massaroti? Is it Bill Clinton or The Reverend Al Sharpton? Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity or Keith Olberman? Is it Joel Osteen or Dr. Phil? Maybe it's Oprah.

Well today, The Outraged Fan (along with The Morality Police) have decided that cheating is the worst of all moral offenses and because of that Tiger Woods, you are in big, BIG trouble.

But really, why is cheating any more immoral than drug use? Or recreational drinking? Or gambling? Again, I know what you'll say. Well others get hurt when people cheat. And others don't get hurt when you use drugs or gamble? Those things don't tear familes apart?

Cheating on one's spouse is bad and I'm not trying to be some contrarian who is okaying it. But I'm not some Outraged Fan who is mad I got bilked by Tiger either. He's a famous person. He cheated. You know how we are not surprised when ANYONE who played basbeall between 1995 and the present tests positive for PEDs? Well, I'm not surprised when any famous person cheats. I won't even be shocked if everyones favorite, Matt Damon, cheats.

5. THE WIFE WILL STAY

You know what? Nevermind. This is a whole separate post and it will be the one I write when I am diagnosed with a rare form of the swine flu where I only have three days to live. Because if I were to rant about this right now and write what I really think, females will officially stop talking to me. Just know this: She will not leave him, even though she should and I actually think it would be better for everyone if she did. But she won't. Remember that thing I said about being single and what society says? Try being a single MOM and see what society says.

6. THE FALLOUT

Here's where Tiger really messed this up. Simmons wrote an awesome piece (which encouraged me to run mine... If he can wait three weeks, so can I!) where he discussed all of this and wrote a hilarious line about Tiger being the World's Worst Adulterer (which he clearly is... No Ho Phone?!? Leaving a voicemail with his name on it?!? That's what you pay handlers for Tiger!!! I one time read that Dennis Rodman had a person in his entourage who made all of his phone calls to his hos and a person whose sole responsibility it was to make sure that- regardless of where Rodman was- there was alcohol around. He had a separate guy. For each of those jobs. One called hos. The other made sure there was a constant flow of martinis on hand. Did they put that on their resume?)

But really, where does Tiger go from here? I think he HAS to take time away from golf and when the thought of that first crossed my mind, I was shocked. I mean, imagine it. The greatest athlete of our generation has to quit the sport in which he will shatter every record because he had to bang cocktal waitresses. Unbelievable.

But then I thought of John Travolta...

And Mickey Rourke...

And Andy Pettitte...

And Bill Buckner...

And even Ben Affleck...

And it's been said everywhere from blogs to Sports Illustrated pieces to The New York Times, but it is true.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

And it helps that Tiger plays golf, where the galleries can't heckle him. He has a TON of fans (it will also help that this legion of middle aged men who watch golf will be secretly rooting for Tiger harder because he defiled hot twentysomething skanks and those same middle aged men want to do that too) as evidenced by the fact that ratings QUADRUPLE when Tiger plays as opposed to when he does not. The PGA will defend him because as John Daly said, golf needs him. Then, as Simmons said, his comeback will be massive and I mean BEYOND MASSIVE. If he plays at The Masters in April, who will NOT watch that?!? Even non-golf fans will watch just to see what MIGHT happen. It will be reality television only without the edits, scripts, and Ryan Seacrest. It will be so awesome and it could literally be THE SPORTING EVENT of the past, what fifteen years?!? Is there anything you'd be more interested in seeing?!?

Tiger will face some wrath, but each day that passes is one more day that people talk less and less about Tiger and pretty soon, his story will be forgotten, like David Letterman's has been.

And then his assault on golf will begin anew because, honestly, I think he needed this. He is like the early millenium Patriots or an angrier Michael Jordan. He THRIVES on people doubting him and I think he will thrive even more on the prospect of people HATING him. He will LOVE that people want him to lose and he will love toying with his golfing competition because he will LOVE the fact that they hate him, yet can't beat him.

I'm wrong about many things, but know this. Tiger Woods will dominate golf more than he ever has in the coming years.

He was dominating his profession living thirteen differet lives, so imagine what he will do focused on just one life?

As the blog says... Money.

Sorting Out Tiger, Part I

Okay, it's been a month.

But it should have only been two weeks.

Then Tiger hit.

And even though the Tiger News is almost as old as The Y2K Scare, I've got a few things to say. And it's taken me three weeks to sort this out because there are just so many layers to the story. And so here are my wide ranging and often rambling thoughts- broken down into six neat categories, three today, three tomorrow- on what is definitely The Situation (as opposed to that guys abs on Jersey Shore...)

1. THE APPEARANCE OF THE MORALITY POLICE

My favorite group of people are made an appearance during this scandal: The Morality Police.

The Morality Police are my favorites because they like to climb on their high horses and then decide what is morally acceptable and what is heinous, damning to hell immorality.

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with a bunch of 21 year old cocktail waitress, some girls made famous by 9/11 deaths, and some porn stars.

And while this has been as fun as hell to watch from the sidelines, I have been shocked by my inability to get fired up about this topic and I have finally realized why.

Because who fucking cares.

Why do I not fucking care? Well, mostly because these types of transgressions do not effect the greater world what so ever. Sure, his kids will be fucked up and his wife must be learning how to die nooses, but truthfully, what Tiger did didn't hurt anyone. He's not Bernie Madoff or O.J. Simpson and although I have heard the comparisons to Kobe Bryant, he certainly isn't him because for those of you counting at home; alleged ass rape is slightly different than cheating, no matter how despicable you think cheating is.

While you can give me the role model crap and he's liar and blah blah blah, I say bollocks. Not a single person on Earth is going to cheat because of Tiger and and the whole celebrity role model thing is completely overhyped in American society. While certain fashion styles and hair dos are taken from celebrities, no one actually really tries to ACT like a celebrity. When Madonna started randomly speaking with a British accent, people didn't start doing that. When Ice-T said to kill cops, no one did that. And I don't think there was a wave of anal sodomy in the wake of the Kobe Bryant scandal. So I firmly believe that there will not be a wave of cheating because Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. There will be cheating because there has always been and will always be cheating. Which leads me to my next point.

2. WHY DID TIGER CHEAT?

I've heard this question a great many times over the past couple of weeks. People have been asking how he could do that when he has such a beautiful wife and a perfect life and why would he risk wrecking his image and is he a sex addict and blah blah blah. I have heard many of these questions from the painfully naive women who have been calling sports talk radio. More on this later.

Ultimately, we really have no idea why Tiger cheated. Maybe he had a sexless, boring marriage. Maybe his wife didn't give him blowjobs anymore. Maybe she wore a sweatsuit to bed and their marriage was like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Maybe she only liked it missionary and he got bored. Maybe Tiger is a sex addict like Wade Boggs. Maybe Tiger is just a cheating douche who thought he could get away with it. Maybe he's a narcissist who cares only about himself (an athlete who's a narcissist? Really? I've never heard of an athlete who is a narcissist.). But as you can guess, I have an idea as to why he cheated.

Tiger cheated because he is a golf geek who got married way too early in his life and like most teen and twenty something males, he had no idea how painfully easy it would be to get women once he figured the whole thing out. Let me explain.

Tiger was (is?) a full on geek. He played golf all his life, he dresses like a tool (even Tommy ripped him), he plays golf, he went to Stanford, he plays golf, he is awkward in press conferences, he plays golf, and he is about as charismatic and cool as Rain Man. And he plays golf.

As it turns out, he plays golf really well and as it also turns out, when you play golf really well, you can make a ton of money. It also turns out that Tiger's ethnicity in a virtually all white sport coupled with his dominance makes him a pretty damn marketable guy. To say he never expected this is an understatement. Where does the cheating fit in to this? Hold on a sec.

So, geeky Tiger- who likely never talked to a girl between the ages of birth and twenty- suddenly starts to become a celebrity. And what does celebrity brings with it? Chicks!!!

However, in the early part of the millenium, as Tiger begins his reign as the best golfer ever, he is still a geek. Or at least he perceives himself as a geek. And as I most assuredly can tell you, geeks can't talk to girls. But, Tiger does have a penis and even though he plays golf and is a geek, his penis still likes vaginas. So....

He meets a really, REALLY hot girl named Elin. This girl is way beyond his hotness and she would NEVER have talked to him in high school, nor would she have even dared looked at him at Stanford where all the hotties were banging football players, basketball players, or as fall back, future geniuses. But now Tiger is kind of famous and he has some money and he notices this here Elin girl with her ten foot legs and white blonde hair and says, "wow, I like her. And, given my expanding wallet and growing fame, I might actually have a chance with her. But just to be safe, I better have my golfer friend set me up with her because she is his nanny."

So, still geeky Tiger gets his pal Jesper to set him up with Elin and he wows her enough with his dorky smile and pleated pants and she ends up sleeping with him. Tiger, not understanding how this smoking hot girl would actually sleep with him (because he still thinks he is a geek), decides to see her again and AGAIN she sleeps with him. They do this again and again until Tiger decides to marry her. He thinks this is a pretty good idea because as he likely knows, no hot 21 year old waitresses or hot 34 year old cougar hostesses even know who a golfer is (something tells me that Rocco Mediate and Corey Pavin aren't showing up in US Weekly too often). So Tiger is psyched because Elin is the absolute best he can get given his celebrity. It's sort of like McSteamy marrying Noxema girl. They are a perfect match because they are both W List celebrities who KNOW they can't upgrade to Miranda Kerr or Johnny Depp, so they take what they can get. And this is how Tiger felt.

But something happened.

Tiger became the most popular and recognizable current athlete (and quite possibly, the most popular and recognizable athlete EVER) and he also became a billionaire. These are things that Michael Jordan, Muhammed Ali, and Barry Bonds never did.

But Tiger did.

And all of this celebrity came as a shock to him and even more shocking was that porn stars and cocktail waitresses were launching now their labias at him.

Him.

Tiger.

The Geek Golfer from Stanford.

And so Tiger tried cheating once and liked it because no girl ever gave him this attention before. Not only did he like it, but he also got away with it. Until Thanksgiving. You know the rest.

Again, I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying how it all went down. Which brings us to the next question.

3. WHY DID TIGER EVEN GET MARRIED?

This is my favorite.

"Well, if he wanted to just bang girls, he should never have gotten married. He should have acted like Jeter and Clooney and Leo and no one would have cared."

This is so wrong people and why?

Because Tiger plays golf.

Now granted, Tiger Woods is absolutely an A List celebrity but he probably never THOUGHT he was an A List celebrity. He plays a game full of middle aged men, all of whom are married with families (quick, name a golfer you saw on TMZ before Tiger Woods three weeks ago... Waiting... Waiting...) that meet them on Sunday with kisses and hugs at the 18th hole.

So Tiger, wanting desperately to be like his peers who he probably realized were disliking him with an increasing regularity, got married because he thought that was the GOLF thing to do. Golf isn't exactly a profession whose members are hanging at the Viper Lounge and doing bumbs off of chicks titties with Colin Farrell, Robert Downey Jr., and Mickey Rourke. Hell, they don't even hang out with Screech and Brian Scalabrine. They travel around in RVs and wear pleated pants and awful sweaters even though they know they are going to be on TV all weekend. These guys ARE NOT COOL.

And Tiger knew that, so he got married. Like everybody else does. Because in case you haven't noticed, EVERYONE gets married. People get married for a variety of different reasons, but one reason they do is single people aren't exactly embraced in this country. Short of being Derek Jeter, George Clooney, or Leonardo DiCaprio- and to remind you again: TIGER WOODS DID NOT THINK HE WAS DEREK JETER, GEORGE CLOONEY, OR LEONARDO DICAPRIO- guys who don't get married are seen as immature, skeevy, loserish, gay, or mentally deranged (I've heard all of these about me except for the skeevy, which weirdly makes me proud...)

So, not only did he face pressure to get married from the people he works with, but he also faced pressure from society to get married. And it was obviously not a good decision because he still wanted to bang cocktail waitresses. But since there were no other golfers banging cocktail waitresses, he figured he should get married. So he did.

Side Note: Did you know that 95% of society gets married KNOWING that 50% of them will fail?!? Has there ever been a more outrageous statistic than this?!? Imagaine buying something, ANYTHING that you knew failed 50% of the time?!? Imagine paying $68,000 for a BMW 5 Series KNOWING that half the mornings you turn the ignition it won't start?!? Or dropping $1500 on a Sony 1080p flat screen KNOWING that 50% of them will just stop working?!? I could go on like this for days, but keep that in mind the next time you're jealous that your friend is married and you aren't, know they dropped x thousands of dollars on a stainless steel refridgerator that will just stop keeping your food cold for 182.5 of the 365 days in a year.

Come Back Tomorrow For Part II...

The Inevitable Has Finally Happened

There are some things you can just see coming.

You know M. Night Shyamalan's next movie will suck. You know the ending to Lost will disappoint everyone. You know I will somehow find a way to make a song by The National number one on my year end list. You know Bill Simmons will reference Shawshank Redemption in his next post. You know a high school boy will say something unfunny today in every high school throughout the nation.

So it should come as absolutely no surprise that I have changed my mind about something I once very passionately despised. So here it goes.

I love Tom Brady.

Not respect or like or find funny. I literally LOVE Tom Brady.

In the words of Ra Ra Riot in my Kermit the Frog voice (sorry, way too inside of a joke), what am I supposed to do? Look at that picture! He's even wearing the Big G uniform!

In all seriousness how am I NOT supposed to love a guy who says what he said in GQ's new issue?!?

IN PRINT- for all Masshole, meatball, truck driving, Wrangler wearing, Patriot fans to read- he has this gem...

"Flat fronts. Always. I see so many guys, really athletic guys, wearing pleats and I just shake my head. Like, Tiger Woods used to wear pleated pants! I'm like, C'mon, Tiger!"

How can I not love a guy who says to millions of New Englanders who sit on their couch in their tasseled shoes and dad jeans that their wives bought for them fifteen years ago this...

"I think any man who lets a woman pick what he should wear... I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere as a man. I see these guys, 'My wife told me to wear this!' And I just shake my head."

How can I not love a guy who is the very ANTITHESIS of the sport I hate?!? He lives in the Back Bay (not Medfield or Sharon), he hangs out with fashion designers (most of whom are likely gay and thus, loathed by football fans), he presses the flesh with world renowned photographers who have no care what he does for a living, and instead of talking about about Michael Vick and roughing th passer penalties in an interview, he talks about the pros and cons of straight leg and boot cut jeans.

Throw in the fact that in the offseason, this guy bounces off to his pad in Manhattan (when he's not jet setting across the globe for photo shoots), throws on a Yankees hat, and kills episodes of Entourage and this guy HAS to be my man.

He's the NFL's version of my boy Becks. And I officially love it.

I mean, there is no blog on WEEI. There is no trip to Fenway for a Sunday night Yankee game. Hell, this guy doesn't even show up for a charity bowling event or golf tournament. Short of having to work in this state for seven months per year, this guy is as Massachusetts as a George Bush.

And so again, what am I supposed to do?

He is the single most recognizable player in his stupid sport (to steal a line from the GQ interview, would you have any idea who Drew Brees is and he may win MVP this year?!?) and he is so against everything that is football and that just must make that season ticket holding dude who paints his head silver absolutely INSANE!!!

Part of me wants Brady to fail, just to see the backlash against him in this town because it would be epic. The fans would turn on him like Ray Liotta turned on his boys in Goodfellas (I was channeling my inner Simmons with that dated analogy) and we all know why they would. Because he isn't one of "them." he isn't a Masshole who gets his uniform dirty like Lou Merloni or scrambles around with reckless abandon like Doug Flutie. He is HOLLYWOOD and if there is anything I know, every Masshole from Stoughton to Saugus to Swansea to Southborough HATES Hollywood.

And so it must drive all these football fuck heads NUTS that they can't hate Brady because short of Joe Montana, he is the best player to ever play the most important position on the field. He wins and wins and wins. He's more clutch than David Oritz and before his freak injury last year, he was NEVER hurt. He is everything a Masshole Pats fan wants him to be.

Except he's not.

He's not that everyman because he hates pleated pants, knows what a pocket square is and is savvy enough to know that you always pair brown shoes with a navy blue suit, and rocks the gingham dress shirt with the solid skinng tie regularly (did I mention that I wore a suit to Brennan's wedding because Brady wore it and this was months before the man crush was established?!? I didn't? Well, I bet you can guess what I wore).

And I just love it.

Some things could be better. He could like coffee more. And he could drink a beer after the game. And maybe he could sit around and blog and play Playstation.

But the fact of the matter is he is the man and while you might criticize me for liking a football player, I say the fact he plays football makes him even BETTER because he is being the man in a sport where being THIS type of man is unacceptable. And that's awesome.

Oh yeah, there's one more, minor detail that makes him absolutely the man.

He's married to this...

The Yankees Really Do Suck, Football Fans Are Really Liberals, 81-1, Best Of Boston Is Stupid, The End Of The Fall Beer Season, And One Great Ass

So yes, the Yankees won a week ago and it's old news. But you have heard me say for years that they are my second favorite team because I am a "baseball guy." Well, after watching these tool bags in the playoffs, the Yankees are not my second favorite team. Teixeira is an absolute fuckin goof, A-Rod has posters of himself as a Centaur, and if I met Nick Swisher in person, I'd want to kick him (you know he wears the outdated by three years Ed Hardy shirt, overly bedazzled and flared True Religions, and a faux hawk). Throw in goober Joba and shit stick Burnett and they have an awfully dislikable team. They still have Mo and Pettitte and that's good, but it is going to be fun absolutely hating these guys next year...

Believe the hype about Paranormal Activity as it is great. As my friends Dave and Scott will tell you, I let out a man scream in the theater and then had a hard time sleeping that night...

I feel like liquor stores rotate out the fall beers far too quickly. They come out right at the start of September and at that time, I am in fall denial and so I don't want the fall beers until later in the season. And now it's November 11th and liquor stores and bars are already out of fall beers and have transitioned to Winter Lagers. That's bunk...

Hideki Matsui as a DH instead of David Ortiz? Absolutely, if for no other reason than he drew a picture of his wife to introduce her on media day...

So I've been paying attention to this Bill Simmons WEEI feud and while I loathe Big O, Simmons can be a huge baby. Yes, EEI has been shredding him and I would certainly want to fire back if I were Simmons, but he SHOULD fire back and stop whining. He's made a career of absolutely crushing people and that's fine, but he has to understand that he is going to burn some bridges along the way. And if that is the case, I wish he'd just man up and fire back. He actually said some really funny things on The Sports Hub (like saying Big O surrounds himself with garbage talent who will never take his job... That was gold, Jerry, Gold!), but I wish he fired away at Big O on air. I mean, Christ Bill, I have four people who read my blog and three of those people likely hate me. You should recognize that the same is going to happen to you Bill. That said, I'll still buy his book...

Speaking of books, a new Chuck Klosterman book is out and it is called Eating The Dinosaur. It is absolutely hilarious and easy to read as it is a collection of essays. I am so jealous of the way he writes and I wonder if lines like this, "What are the things that make adults depressed? The master list is too comprehensive to quantify (plane crashes, unemployment, killer bees, impotence, Stringer Bell's murder, gambling addictions, crib death, the music of Bon Iver, et al.)" take him a while to think about or do they just come to him? "We used to read something called The Weekly Reader in second grade. This was like a newspaper for four foot tall illiterates." There is no way he came up with this on a whim is there? It's just incredible. He also writes in one sentence what I have been trying for ten years to say about Oprah, "Oprah is doing something good, but not necessarily for the motive of goodness." But his best chapter is on football. No, he doesn't shred it. He in fact loves football (I have known this for years and it doesn't bother me... Too much), but he writes how it can be compared to politics and if sports were politics, then football would be the screaming, ACLU card carrying, LIBERAL. He writes how that goes against what every fan thinks of the game (he cites that most fans of the game are Republicans polls say) because they see it s a gladiatoresque battle without guaranteed contracts and what have you. But really, it has changed more so than anything and that "liberal" coaches and coordinators who invented things like the no huddle offense, the Wildcat, and the West Coast offense were first seen as liberal freaks, but then were copied by everyone. So see football fans... You should be liberals because the game you love so much is The Bill Clinton of major sports...

My Cees will be 81-1. It's going to be awesome. It will be especially awesome when they have a better record than the 1986 Celtics and they win it all. Because then, hopefully, white people from Boston will stop talking about the 1986 Celtics...

Speaking of sports and liberals, kind of surprising to see that Morgan Freeman is playing the role of Nelson Mandela in the Clint Eastwood film Invictus. I guess the Wayans brothers had a prior commitment and couldn't take the part...

Sticking with the film theme, this could be a big awards season for me. Early buzz is that Damon may grab an Academy Award nom and that Clooney DEFINITELY will for Up In The Air. If my boy Cloon Dog wins he will have won the same amount as lame Niro and one more than stupid Pacino. Yes, this is what I think about...

My nut bag conservative friend (love you Steve!) who loves to toss political bombs at me via text (since I'm easier to reel in than a sunfish, he gets me with these all the time) told me an awesome story about Boston magazine and their "Best of Boston" issue. He relayed to me a story about a good friend who was nominated. After the nomination, the magazine then asked the nominee to make a $5000 donation. When the nominee said they did not have the money, the nomination was revoked. I've got to say that I completely buy this story because that Best of Boston issue has always irritated me and I haven't been able to figure out why. Well this is why. Every time I read that issue, I always feel like the "best" stuff really isn't the "best," but instead, is always just the most expensive. Or the most pretentious. I'm not a hard core follower of the magazine, but it feels like the winners are ALWAYS the same places and they are likely the same places because they give the most money to the magazine. In the words of Rob Gordon, I never liked Boston magazine much and I fuckin HATE it now...

I asked in my last post why the topic of every single conversation leading up to Halloween wasn't about skanks. Well, a couple of weeks ago, there was this shot of Erin Andrews at a college football game that showed up on TV and was then on Barstoolsports:
Like the Halloween conversation, how was this not absolutely the number one thing people were talking about for days?!? I mean, it should have been the most searched picture on Google and Yahoo! for days straight. I mean, people talked about J-Lo's ass for two years and everyone talks about Kim Kardashian's ass and this ass is way, WAY better than theirs combined. I mean, this is literally the best ass I have ever seen. Couple that with the outfit she's rocking and she's moving up my list. I've always liked her (as evidenced by an old post) and I'm pretty sure that if she met me, she'd like me...

Is there anything worse than unexpected car problems? I go today to get a slow leak in my tire fixed and my friggin rim is cracked. This is bad, both for safety reasons and monetary purposes. For some reason, my Jetta has "performance" tires and rims that are apparently so expensive, they belong on Shaq's car. $700 later, I got my slow leak fixed...

I'm mere weeks away from my song post (my favorite post, likely not yours) and what has been a weak year in music has picked up the last couple of weeks. Bat For Lashes is a phenomenal disc as is the new one from The Raveonettes, but if you have 99 cents to spare (and if you need a slow leak fixed, you likely don't) please download Passion Pit's "Little Secrets." There is not a song that will make you happier than this...

The Office has done an amazing job with the whole Jim and Pam thing. Marriages and babies are the two things that will make a show Jump The Shark, but The Office has handled the Jim and Pam marriage thing perfectly. They don't make it a central plot point and instead of having a silly will they or won't they thing (hello Cheers and Friends), they just made them get married and moved on with the show. It was a great move...

The Entertainment Weekly holiday film preview was awesome and I love the early Oscar discussion. There looks to be a few great ones out there but that stupid musical Nine with that stupid all star cast led by the stupid Daniel Day-Lewis will be... Wait for it... So stupid. I just absolutely hate musicals and this can and likely will be a great rant when I finally see Nine (yes, I see movies I know I will hate. More normal behavior.). I mean, in what situation do people just break into song and dance? God, musicals are stupid...

So very year my mother asks for a Christmas list. For whatever reason, this tradition has continued well into our adulthood and it always becomes a source of discussion in our family. Well, my list is 29 items long and features pictures and links to where to purchase said item. It took me almost two hours to complete. Yes, you are my friend...

Skankoween

We all know that Halloween is the absolute worst holiday. For most of us non-douche bags and non-chuckahs, this is understood. Along with St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve, Halloween has the "Do Not Go Out" sign draped on it for you are bound to be surrounded by tools of all sorts regardless of where you go.

But when did this once glorious children's holiday turn into one giant Foxy Lady, complete with skankolicious costumes?

Believe me, I do not find these costumes the least bit offensive and they often produce some of the best pictures on Barstool's Local Smokeshow of The Day. But I just want to know two things.

1. When and how did the skank halloween costume happen?
2. How is said skank costume not the single greatest topic of conversation between the days of October 15th and November 1st?

Let me explain why I have question number one.

I have a great ability (so says I) of understanding and figuring out the exact tipping point of all things pop culture. While I am not as good as Klosterman at figuring this out, I am better than Simmons. For example...

I understand the big hair trend that I grew up with in B-Town in the 1980s (and, unfortunately for B-Town, the early 1990s). Cable television hadn't exploded, and the internet was only a thing of Al Gore's dreams, so all we really had to influence us was MTV and 80s movies. And EVERY GIRL in an 80s video from Whitesnake, Poison, or Cinderella had big hair (why high school girls thought it was a good idea to follow the lead of faux metal groupies is an entriely separate post). As did the ladies of 80s movies. Jake's girlfriend in 16 Candles and Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club are both in their full Aqua Net glory in each film. So naturally, girls of that time period were going to copy that look.

Then we have the god awful "grunge" look with girls dressed in Doc Martens and flannels (it would figure that I- lover of all things skanky and cheesey- went to college in this era). This can obviously be blamed on Eddie Vedder, Kurt Cobain, and Singles. From there, we moved onto the half shirt, pierced navel, and exposed thong. Certainly a phenomenal era and one that can be directly attributed to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Girls getting tatoos can be blamed on Pamela Anderson (think about this... All those chicks we loved from the 80s and early 90s like Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, and even Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from her Saved By The Bell days were all sans tattoo... Now, there is scarcely a skankolicious hottie alive that DOESN'T have the tattoo. It was Pammy and her tats that blew this thing up and that's a fact). And todays short dresses with high boots (yes, I love this stage) can be blamed on those idiotic chicks from The Hills and it's awful offshoots.

But what caused the skank Halloween costume? I mean, why does it exist? Where was the tipping point? At what point did Skankoween do the opposite of Jump The Shark (By the way? What is the opposite of Jumping The Shark? By definition, it has to be when you realize that something is so totally awesome. For example, when I was watching Seven, I distincly remember the scene where I said, whoa, this movie is incredible. There has to be an antonym for Jumping The Shark. Discuss).

In Amherst in the Fall of 1995, I clearly recall being at a Halloween party and it was skank free. The girls were a baseball player (with a actual uniform instead of mini shorts, high socks, and a cut in half Red Sox shirt), a scarecrow (with a flannel probably left over from her '92 wardrobe) and a farmer. After college, I went to a few Halloween parties and I was even in Salem one year. I saw women as witches, women as Axl and Slash, and women as football players. Still, I saw no skanks. In fact, it was a terrible night to go out because girls would be dressed up in big baggy costumes and god awful make-up and it would really grind my gears because I wanted some skank, goddamit.

But then, one day, out of nowhere came the Skankoween. It was like the emergence of David Ortiz. There was no groundswell for the skank costume. There was no pre-tsunami like warning. There was no pop culture altering episode of Friends or ER where everyone dressed like skanks. It just came to be. And I have no rationale explanation as to where it came from. It wasn't part of the Britney/Christina generation, because girls just dressed liked them on a daily basis. It wasn't a by product of skank fests like The Girls Next Door or The Gauntlet because the Skankoween happened before that.

So really, what spawned this phenomenon? And more importantly, how has it become a completely acceptable part of our culture? Now, because I am a Pam Anderson skank lover, I have no problem with said phenomenon, but where is the outrage? Where are the feminists who stand outside of Hooters protesting the uniform (which actually leaves far more to the imagination than some Skankoween costumes I have experienced)? How can Halloween stores sell costumes that are LITERALLY called Naughty Nurse, Sexy Sailor, and Buxom Bumblebee (okay, I made that one up, but not bad, right?)? How come when you ask a girl what she is going to be for Halloween and she replies, "Britney Spears," you know she is going to come dressed as this Britney Spearsas opposed to this Britney Spears? What do parents of tweens do when they walk together down the aisle at IParty and see these costumes?!? Do they say to their kids, "Listen Ava, you cannot be a Naughty Nurse this year because you are only 14, but in five years, when you are a freshman at Westfield State, you can wear that costume, get really drunk, and post pictures of it on Facebook along with your spring break bikini pics."

I mean, really, where is the outrage? Women I know (even the classy ones... Yes, I know classy women... A few) don't even raise an eyebrow at the "dirty" cop or the french maid. In fact, some women proudly tell you AHEAD of time that they are going to be a Naughty Nurse and we who receive that information don't even do bat an eye. We just take it in and say, "oh, that's cool."

I guess in our age of lethargy, I shouldn't be surprised that no one cares about skankstumes. We all know that dudes are going to say absolutely nothing about this lest we lose a night where we can see girls dressed like strippers without having to go to a strip club, but what about you women. Specifically, you classy ladies out there; what's your excuse?!? Why aren't you angry?!? Do you too secretly WANT to wear these costumes, only your inner Catholic tells you you shouldn't feel this way?!? Or do you just make fun of the girls afterwards?!? Or do you just not care because while Sexy Pussy Cat may look good in her leather pants, you can beat her at Scrabble!? I mean, give me something!

And if you can't find the energy, passion, or interest to get upset about this, could you at least tell me why and how Skankoween became an acceptable part of our culture? Because I do want to know that.

Ultimately, I know I won't be saying anything, but I have a reason for that. If Skankoween keeps up, we'll eventually have costumes where girls just go as "one of the girls from the orgy in Eyes Wide Shut" or "one of the girls from the photos at the end of The Hangover."

And that wouldn't bother me one bit.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It's called a break up because it is broken.

And this relationship is beyond repair.

I tried to make it work, I really did.

But I should have seen the fissures in the relationship two years ago when it really started to go south. But it was hard to do that. because I learned so much from my partner over the years. We spent so much quality time together and my dearly beloved brought me so much happiness and pleasure. For my partner introduced me to new people and I made new friends, some of which I still hold dear. But no matter how hard I tried and how badly I wanted to make it work, it just wasn't ever going to be the same. Really, it's been broken for months now, maybe even a year, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I tried to make it work; God how I tried. I would revisit my partner, hoping to rekindle some of the magic we once had. We would get drunk and hook up again, mostly in the car which is where we first made our relationship official. But no matter how hard I tried, the magic could not be rekindled and then, late this summer, I realized that I couldn't cling to the past and I officially had to move on.

I've been looking for a new partner, but they are not as pretty, nor will they ever give me the joys and memories I once shared with my first love. I need something to make me forget my old flame. Maybe there is a rebound relationship waiting out there for me or maybe I'll find something better, but for the here and now, I'm officially single. But I have to finally say this out loud. I need to realize that I am single and that it is over between me and my former flame. I have to admit that I have been lying to myself for the past two years and that I need to stop longing for the past and admit that what I had is gone and so I will do that now. I will bid my fair maiden goodbye once and for all because I know that it is truly over. So here I go...

WFNX... I am breaking up with you.

Officially.

In some ways, this has been my most challenging break-up. For anyone within seven or eight years of my age of 35, you know WFNX has meant something to us. And so to lose FNX is like losing everything. FNX was around before iTunes, before satellite radio, and before hipster blogs and music sharing services exposed us to new music. It was especially valuable if you were a moody high school kid growing up in Burlington, Massachusetts; because short of the recommendations of the long haired, pierced due at Newbury Comics; we had nothing. MTV played "Ice Ice Baby" and "U Can't Touch This" on a constant loop, hip hop was really starting to take off and hard rock was in the Dark Ages of Slaughter, Tesla, and Firehouse. Save for the release of Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II, the coolest music a 17 year old from an all white suburb could "discover" was a classic rock album by a band that WASN'T their greatest hits or maybe get a recommendation from a friends cool, older brother who was away at college.

And so WFNX was the perfect outlet for the late 80s/early 90s emo kid that I was (what did you call emo kids in that generation? We weren't hippies or skids... I guess we were just nerds who liked whiny music) and what an outlet it was. The station introduced me to everything from the Cure and Radiohead. to The Jesus and Mary Chain and Beck. FNX was also the first to play this song called "Fallin' Down" by a band with a funny name called the Goo Goo Dolls. Now granted, the Goo Goo Dolls are Kiss 108 staples, but back in the day, they were just a alt-rock band from Buffalo. I once saw on Behind The Music that that album sold 2100 copies and for those of you not in the know, that isn't a lot of albums to sell. Well, I had a copy and it was because of WFNX.

It was tough to maintain a relationship with FNX in college as their signal was weak, but we saw each other on summers and vacations. I caught up to Rage Against the Machine and Tool during those breaks. After college, the station remained a bastion of hipness (even though they did go through their dark Limp Bizkit period which is strangely, the same period they are going through now) breaking bands like Fatboy Slim, Blink-182, Coldplay, and The Killers. They are also responsible for some amazing one hit wonders and iPod playlist staples from bands like Lo-Fidelity All Stars, Powderfinger, and Primitive Radio Gods. Granted, these bands never "made it," but all have songs that I love that I would absolutely never have heard without FNX.

More recently, it has been easier to find music because of the internet and chat room word of mouth. And for music poseurs like my brother (he listens to bands that don't even exist yet), FNX became less of a tool that broke new music. But they still played The Killer's "When You Were Young" before you could get it on the web and they played Arcade Fire's "Black Mirror" long before it was available for commercial release. They also had The National, stellastarr*, and TV On The Radio in regular rotation (granted, it was for about two weeks) in recent years. And long before Kings of Leon was OMIGOD KINGS OF LEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, "The Bucket" was an FNX regular.

But those days are long, long gone. Now, "new music" for FNX is Taking Back Sunday, Paramore, and AFI. And sure, they mix it up with old stuff. But it's the same, banal old stuff like Bush, The Beastie Boys, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sublime, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots. Sure, I liked those bands at one time and I even like the new Pearl Jam song, but now?!? In 2009?!? On a station that claims to be "alternative," "independent" and "where new music starts?!?" Please. Save that stuff for WAAF.

I could ramble on about their hoorrific music selection for days or I could toss out the fact that we are also getting Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones on FNX, but more importantly, I just want o know one thing.

What the hell happened?!?

Where did it all go so wrong?!?

I mean, one minute WFNX and I are going out to great dinners, getting drunk all the time, having wild sex five times a night and then the next minute, WFNX is telling me I can't go out with my friends and they are wearing flannel pants and oversized sweatshirts everywhere. Now, if this were a slow build or we starting drifting apart, I'd get it. But it was just two years ago that I saw The National for free because it was a WFNX sponsored show. Now? I get a new song from The Offspring; relevance circa 1994.

I look for the turning point and it seems it happened when The Sandbox arrived. I wanted to like The Sandbox and even did for about twelve days. But I can't blame the dissolution of my relationship with WFNX solely on those three clowns because it goes much deeper than that. The introduction of Loveline at 10:00 was a killer, as was the obvious shift in programming. But, like any real relationship, what may have killed us is the introduction of a third party. or should I say, destruction of a third party. That third party being the end of WBCN.

When BCN ceased to exist, FNX (whose ratings have always been for shit) probably saw an opportunity to gain new listeners. And as pround as my non-conformist behavior as I am, I realize that a company can't be successful catering to the non-conformists. Unless you are Pabst. But FNX is not Pabst and so they saw an opportunity to gain new listeners, particularly among the 24-39 male demographic and so they changed everything around to get those 24-39 year olds. And while my age technically puts me in that demographic, my non-conformist behavior and hatred of Massholes makes me decidedly NOT part of that demographic. So where Stone Temple Pilots is really working for Frank Ford F-150, it is doing nothing for me.

But even more frustrating that not knowing where it all went wrong is the acceptance of blame phase. I want FNX to speak up and say, "You know what Big G, I don't like you anymore and I'm done with you, but yes, I did some things wrong too."

I want Paul Driscoll (he's got to be stewing about this, no?) to address these issues some night. I want the Friday music section of The Globe to do an interview with The Phoenix Media Group where they explain to me what is going on and acknowledge the change. I want someone from that station to stand up and say, "Dammit Big G, I LIKE flannel pants and big ugly sweatshirts and if you liked me too, you would accept me for who I am."

Granted, I won't accept them for who they are, but still I want answers. I NEED answers. I need to know how it went from so good to so bad and I want to know if they are happy with where they are because goddammit WFNX, if you are happy with the place you're in, then that is fine. I'll let you go. I won't like it, but I've fought and fought and fought for you and I can't do it anymore.

So what is a scorned ex-lover to do?!? Well, like I said, I'm officially radio single. I have thought about dating the fake titted, faux tanned, 24 year old blonde that is Satellite Radio. I thought about getting the biggest, most expensive package (pun intended) that XM or Sirius has and just drown myself in a sea of awesomeness. But would that really make me happy? For the time being it might, but I'll still never have that TRUE bond I had with FNX because my and satellite radios whole relationship will be a big fraud and we'll know it.

So for now, I guess I'll settle for the safe, J Crew sweater wearing, 28 year old, elementary school teacher who is a solid six or seven and utilize my iPod playlists for awhile.

But sooner or later, I'm going to go looking for something else; something perfect. I wish that could have been WFNX because they may have been The One, but when it's over... It's over.

Take care WFNX. I wish you nothing but the best. We had a great run and I'll forever be thankful for what you taught me both about myself and the music I adore.

But let me give you one piece of advice: Lose those stupid flannel pants that is your awful music because eventually, Ed Hardy wearing, Massachusetts Meatballs get old. You'll want something else. Something real. Something true.

I Really Wish I Was Fucking Matt Damon

I'm a lot like Peter Gammons. I always have been.

Like Gammons, I have old balls. Like Gammons, I have a face made for writing. Like Gammons, I like to live in the present. And like Gammons, I'm the best at what I do.

Gammons is the guru of baseball writing. And I am the guru of film blogging.

The greatest strength of Gammons has always been his ability to change with the times. Bob Ryan (who I love) is the undisputed God of Basketball writing, but he has never been able to change with the times. With the exception of his calling Paul Pierce the Greatest Offensive Player In Celtic History (blasphemous for every Celtics fan aged 30 or over, but also 100% correct), Bob Ryan has always been stuck in the past. He likes the old offensive games better, the passing, the team play and blah, blah, blah. Gammons on the other hand, has always touted the CURRENT game. To a fault almost. He has stuck by Barry Bonds and defends A-Rod incessantly, but steroids aside (and that's a big thing to put aside), they deserve all of his accolades. Nowadays, he touts the greatness of Albert Pujols (who was the topic of discussion during the best radio bitch slap ever) and the Cy Young candidacy of Zack Greinke. He doesn't say they aren't as good as Stan Musial or Bret Saberhagen, but he instead says they are just plain good. Period. And I love that.

My point? We all get caught in the past and love old stuff to a fault. I've done it with Atari games. I once bought a Playstation video game that had like 100 Atari games on it (I paid twenty dollars for this game... Atari games used to avergae about $30 a game, so if I could go back in time and purchase this game, I would have saved myself $2980) and I played it for about 35 minutes before I realized it sucked. Why did it suck? Because the games were old and shitty and there are way better new and unshitty games that have surpassed those Atari games. Pujols probably IS better than Stan Musial and Zack Greinke probably IS better than Bret Saberhagen, we just refuse to admit it because, well... We like old stuff. Or we're stubborn. Or we're stupid. Or, we're all three.

And so sticking with this theme, do you know what I've realized? Matt Damon is absolutely one of the best actors. And I mean ever.

He is. Argue with me all you want. Tell me I'm on drugs. Go on and on about Nicholson, De Niro, Brando, Pacino, Hoffman, Washington, Day-Lewis (sick!), Hackman, Duvall or any old guy like Gregory Peck or Spencer Tracey and I will STILL argue that Damon is one of the best. He is and that's fact.

I know the arguments. Way fewer awards, not a diverse enough resume, not in enough classics. But whatever. Remember when Pedro said last year that he was officially the greatest pitcher of all time because he dominated in the Steroid Era? I feel like Matt Damon is dominating the Steroid Era of Hollywood (massive personalities, huge budgets for films, amazing film schools, the foreign film factor, media hype, constant accolades for anything seen remotely as new) and so like Pedro, he HAS to be called the greatest. Let's get this one ridiculous argument out of the way now.

1951 is considered one of the greatest film years of all time. In that year, A Streetcar Named Desire, An American In Paris, and The African Queen were all released. They are all on AFI's 100 Best Films list. Brando had his legendary turn as Stanley Kowalski. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You want to know how many movies came out in 1951? Fourteen.

14.

1-4.

Yes, fourteen.

Fourteen films came out THAT ENTIRE YEAR!!! FIVE OF WHICH WERE NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE!!!

That means A Streetcar Named Desire was probably called "One of the most amazing films of the year." So were four other films. Out of the fourteen made.

In fact, the 1951 movie math tells us that 36% of all films that year were one of the most amazing films of the year.

And the role of Stanley Kowalski- played by Marlon Brando- was nominated for an Academy Award as well. This was one of his eight total nominations. And just by showing up to play boozing, raping Stanley, Brando had a 5 in 14 chance of being nominated for an Academy Award. You're a batting champion if you go 5 for 14. So let's say he sleep walks through the role. He's probably STILL going to beat out Michael Rennie (who?), the guy who played the main character in The Day The Earth Stood still because, well, because he played a drunk guy who raped a woman and no one knows who the hell Michael rennie is. But that must have been the exception, right? I think you know where this is going so I'll stop perserverating and just give you these nuggets...

1973 (Or, The Year Al Pacino Got Nominated For One Of His Academy Awards For The Godfather): Number of Films Released: 25. Chances He bags A Nomination. 1 in 5.

1980 (Or, The Year Robert De Niro Got Nominated For One Of His Academy Awards For Raging Bull): Number of Films Released: 133. Chances He Bags A Nomination: 1 in 27.

2009 (Or The Year Matt Damon COULD POTENTIALLY Get Nominated For An Academy Award Based On His Awesomeness In The Informant!- Hey, He Put On Weight Just Like De Niro!): Number Of Films Slated For Release: 1037. Chances He Bags A Nomination: 1 in 1037 (Or, 350 Times Less Likely Of A Chance Than Marlon Brando Had In 1951).

So, can we get rid of that argument?!? Awards are nice, but in this era, who gets an award is much more difficult to decide because there are so many more roles (and the competition for those roles is probably far more fierce because actors now are probably better than they ever were). That is why I have no problem making the Academy Awards Best Picture category being expanded to ten. Really, if we are comparing it to 1973 and want to make it fair, we should expand it the category to have 41 films because that would be the equivalent of five in 1973. So stop your complaining about that too.

But back to Matt Damon. I go by what my eyes tell me as a once cool Patriots coach used to say and my eyes (along with the box office) tell me that Matt Damon is the man.

You've heard my rants before and you know actors can get pigeonholed (gangsters, heroes, cops) and somehow, Damon has managed to NOT get pigeonholed. This is likely due to his superior intelligence and ability to determine what is a good script, but it also has to do with his ACTING.

Matt Damon is probably best known by the average filmgoer as Jason Bourne (to us Boston tool bags and wishy-washy 35 year olds, he'll always be Will Hunting) and people love him for that. But he's also played a gay killer in a Speedo (I didn't see John McClain or James Bond do that), a lawyer, a soldier, a card shark, a conjoined twin, a dirty cop, a grieving father who takes advantage of his childs death (Syriana, probably his single best scene ever is in that), and now a fat guy who thinks he's James Bond. Along the way, he has also shown up in countless cameos (seeing him at the end of Finding Forrester even when I know he is coming is still money), TV shows, and cartoons. He's done voices, written the best screenplay of the past twelve years, created the funniest youtube video ever and then cemented his lore by being absolutely awesome on [SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DVR TELEVISION SHOWS!!!] Entourage this past week (was there anything better then him crying and apologizing?!? Who is this guy?!?).

He's done this all without being a tabloid whore and despite being the best actor in Hollywood, he has also remained shockingly low key and never taken himself seriously. Now, I know this stuff shouldn't matter, but in the Steroid Era of Hollywood, it most certainly does matter. Every week, some new actor is labeled "The Next Big Thing," be it Colin Farrell or Christian Bale. Then, through a combination of overexposure and suckiness, they are no longer the big thing.

And all the while, crawling along under the radar has been Matt Damon. While Bale gets lauded for being "moody" and "intense" and while Day-Lewis is seen as a genuis, Damon just keeps doing his thing. In fact, he's almost TOO consistent. Like a never mentioned superstar baseball player who grinds out 3000 hits (Craig Biggio or Robin Yount), Damon just keeps grinding out hit after hit.

At the same time, he's not just some workmanlike actor (or "that guy" as some of you may call... That Guy.). He KILLS everything he is in. I already discussed Syriana, but can you picture ANYONE OTHER than Matt Damon playing Mike McDermott as he did in Rounders?!? Who else would you have dropped in to play Rusty in the Ocean's movies? Hell, who else WOULD HAVE TAKEN those roles as a backseat to Pitt and Clooney. We all liked SOMEBODY ELSE better in The Departed, but once again, he dominated as a douche.

But really, he is awesome because he just doesn't make clunkers. One might say that All The Pretty Horses was a bomb, but that suffered from being a terribly made movie. He read the script based on a hugely popular book and took it. To this day, he still talks about the fact that it was a bad movie, but if that is his worst? I'll take it no doubt because whomever you offer up to argue against Damon has made worse.

Matt Damon is now a solid 17 years into his career as an actor and we really haven't seen a run like this in a long time and maybe forever. He continues to make tremendous movies, but more importantly, he takes diverse roles and always acts the shit out of him. There are certainly actors who will also be seen as better at their "craft" like Penn, Day-Lewis, and Seymour Hoffman. But those guys are at an unfair advantage because they are automatically viewed as Gods, even if they were to take a role in the remake of Jaws 3 in Super 3-D. You've heard my argument on that so I won't belabor it, but instead, I'll ask you this.

Can you see any of those three beating up a CIA assassin with a magazine?!?

I think I know your answer.

Matt Damon. The best actor going.