Sorting Out Tiger, Part II

Well, now I've officially got it off my chest. After this, it's on to better things. Enjoy France Tiger. See you at Augusta...

4. THE OUTRAGED FANS (AND THE ONE MOST LIKELY TO OFFEND YOU)

Tiger cheated on his wife. Get over it.

I think 75% of the people outraged are outraged simply because they got duped. Nearly everyone thought Tiger was the classiest celebrity going. If Paris Hilton or John Mayer was caught cheating with umpteen different skanks, no one would care because no one would be surprised. With Tiger, people are pissed because he bilked them. He presented an image of a classy, family guy who won every big match, said all the right things, and was involved in zero scandals.

But guess what? He's not like that because NO ONE IS. And that's what I wish The Outraged Fan would understand.

NO ONE is perfect and free of immoral behavior and so we can't judge others for what we deem to be "immoral acts." What one person sees as wholly immoral, another might see as a completely acceptable social more. That is why the people I get along with best and the people who are my closest and dearest friends are those that do not judge. They know that absolutely every person who has walked this Earth is immoral or, at the very least, has participated in a socially unacceptable act.

Before I go on my maniacal tirade, allow me to say that there are all levels of immorality and I understand that. That's why we have things called laws. It is immoral to murder, steal, bilk people out of money, assault people, vandalize property, and abuse children. People who would say these actions are moral are either not sane or were once part of The Mongolian Empire. Or maybe they were priests. Whatever the case, we know these things are immoral. That said, I still think it is largely laws that deter us from doing some of these things (if I could get away with, I would absolutely steal a new surround sound system from Best Buy) are laws. But that's another post for another time.

Today, the most immoral person on Earth appears to be Tiger Woods. He is a scumbag. he is a cheater. He is a liar. He is a hypocrite for saying he wants to deal with this privately, yet has made a billion dollars off of being a public figure. He probably could have handled the whole thing differently and next December 15, no one will care about this and we will have moved on (want proof of that? Kobe Bryant has the best selling athletic jersey in the world).

But right now, my anger towards the outraged fan climbing onto their horse with really long legs is driving me insane. Like I have said before about Tom Brady, I think a lot of people WANTED this to happen to Tiger. I think a lot of people dislike him for shallow reasons (his ethnicity being a huge one. Sorry, but I believe that regardless of the fact that you think it is a bomb toss) and this finally lets them have a chance to unleash their vitriol on him because he is an immoral scumbag. But I find all of this funny. And I found it funny because everyone is an immoral scumbag.

I say this not because I am a shady person or a guy (imagine if all guys wrote a tell all book about all the guys they know?!? The world would die out because women would kill every man alive for their scumbaggery and thus, would have no one to help them repopulate the world) or a scumbag myself. I may be all of those things to you, but one thing that I know I am is immoral. And you want to know how I know everyone else is immoral too? Because the other 5,999,999,999 homo sapiens walking this Earth are humans and all humans are immoral.

When was the last time you did drugs? But you just smoked pot right? You didn't do heroin because heroin is for scumbags.

When was the last time you hopped in a car after having a few too many to drink? But it was fine because you only lived a mile away, right?

When was the last time you kept the incorrect (in your favor) change you were given from the Starbucks barista? But that was fine because it was their fault and stealing from Starbucks is like stealing from the man anyways, right?

Did you cheat on a vocab test in high school? Drink before you were 21? Write a friends paper? Steal stuff from a party because it was bad (wait, I'm the only person who did that?!?)? Have you ever lied about your charitable donations on your taxes? Have you gotten free beers at Fenway because you know the beer guys? Have you visited a porn sight recently? How about a strip club? Were you secretly happy when you went to your ten year reunion and saw that the hottest girl in the class was now a fat whale? How many of you married folk chatted with that guy/girl at the bar a little longer than you should have? How many of you jerked off in your roommates shampoo bottle because you hated them (10 Hitching Post guys: That's not my story, I swear)? Who was speeding home from work today? Who has scammed someone on Ebay? Who has scalped tickets? How many of you are blogging while you should be working?

I presume that you see my point, and I also know what you are going to say. "But Big G, you are being ridiculous. There are different LEVELS of immorailty and you can't compare speeding to cheating on your wife."

And you're right. But only partially. There are different levels of immorality, but who decides what is a 10 on the immorality scale and what is a 1? Is it you Newt Gingrich? You Felger and Massaroti? Is it Bill Clinton or The Reverend Al Sharpton? Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity or Keith Olberman? Is it Joel Osteen or Dr. Phil? Maybe it's Oprah.

Well today, The Outraged Fan (along with The Morality Police) have decided that cheating is the worst of all moral offenses and because of that Tiger Woods, you are in big, BIG trouble.

But really, why is cheating any more immoral than drug use? Or recreational drinking? Or gambling? Again, I know what you'll say. Well others get hurt when people cheat. And others don't get hurt when you use drugs or gamble? Those things don't tear familes apart?

Cheating on one's spouse is bad and I'm not trying to be some contrarian who is okaying it. But I'm not some Outraged Fan who is mad I got bilked by Tiger either. He's a famous person. He cheated. You know how we are not surprised when ANYONE who played basbeall between 1995 and the present tests positive for PEDs? Well, I'm not surprised when any famous person cheats. I won't even be shocked if everyones favorite, Matt Damon, cheats.

5. THE WIFE WILL STAY

You know what? Nevermind. This is a whole separate post and it will be the one I write when I am diagnosed with a rare form of the swine flu where I only have three days to live. Because if I were to rant about this right now and write what I really think, females will officially stop talking to me. Just know this: She will not leave him, even though she should and I actually think it would be better for everyone if she did. But she won't. Remember that thing I said about being single and what society says? Try being a single MOM and see what society says.

6. THE FALLOUT

Here's where Tiger really messed this up. Simmons wrote an awesome piece (which encouraged me to run mine... If he can wait three weeks, so can I!) where he discussed all of this and wrote a hilarious line about Tiger being the World's Worst Adulterer (which he clearly is... No Ho Phone?!? Leaving a voicemail with his name on it?!? That's what you pay handlers for Tiger!!! I one time read that Dennis Rodman had a person in his entourage who made all of his phone calls to his hos and a person whose sole responsibility it was to make sure that- regardless of where Rodman was- there was alcohol around. He had a separate guy. For each of those jobs. One called hos. The other made sure there was a constant flow of martinis on hand. Did they put that on their resume?)

But really, where does Tiger go from here? I think he HAS to take time away from golf and when the thought of that first crossed my mind, I was shocked. I mean, imagine it. The greatest athlete of our generation has to quit the sport in which he will shatter every record because he had to bang cocktal waitresses. Unbelievable.

But then I thought of John Travolta...

And Mickey Rourke...

And Andy Pettitte...

And Bill Buckner...

And even Ben Affleck...

And it's been said everywhere from blogs to Sports Illustrated pieces to The New York Times, but it is true.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

And it helps that Tiger plays golf, where the galleries can't heckle him. He has a TON of fans (it will also help that this legion of middle aged men who watch golf will be secretly rooting for Tiger harder because he defiled hot twentysomething skanks and those same middle aged men want to do that too) as evidenced by the fact that ratings QUADRUPLE when Tiger plays as opposed to when he does not. The PGA will defend him because as John Daly said, golf needs him. Then, as Simmons said, his comeback will be massive and I mean BEYOND MASSIVE. If he plays at The Masters in April, who will NOT watch that?!? Even non-golf fans will watch just to see what MIGHT happen. It will be reality television only without the edits, scripts, and Ryan Seacrest. It will be so awesome and it could literally be THE SPORTING EVENT of the past, what fifteen years?!? Is there anything you'd be more interested in seeing?!?

Tiger will face some wrath, but each day that passes is one more day that people talk less and less about Tiger and pretty soon, his story will be forgotten, like David Letterman's has been.

And then his assault on golf will begin anew because, honestly, I think he needed this. He is like the early millenium Patriots or an angrier Michael Jordan. He THRIVES on people doubting him and I think he will thrive even more on the prospect of people HATING him. He will LOVE that people want him to lose and he will love toying with his golfing competition because he will LOVE the fact that they hate him, yet can't beat him.

I'm wrong about many things, but know this. Tiger Woods will dominate golf more than he ever has in the coming years.

He was dominating his profession living thirteen differet lives, so imagine what he will do focused on just one life?

As the blog says... Money.