The Worst Of All Sundays

All of you who are joining me (or are soon joining me) returning to school know that the day before school starts is the worst day. Ever. It's worse than the day your dog died. It's worse than the day you found out that hottie gave you a fake number. It's worse than the day that your roommate pissed in your sock drawer.

You know how everyone has the Sunday Blues? That time on a Sunday when you realize that you have to return to work? That's the feeling we get. Only it's worse. Way worse. It's like the worst Sunday you ever had.

It's a lot like that Sunday where you had that out of state wedding that you gleefully traveled too Friday afternoon. You know the one. The one where you woke up far later than you had planned with a hangover the size of a pre-Subway Jared next to one of your best friends and not that cute bridesmaid. Then, because you got up so late, you missed the breakfast, got a late start and didn't leave near as early as you needed to in order to get the full Sunday unwind in. You then booted out the window on the ride home due to your buddies herky-jerky driving in traffic that was so dense that you got home too late to grocery shop for the week and thus, had nothing for breakfast or lunch on Monday. And because of the fact that you finished that bottle of Grey Goose and then had a travel agenda similar to the one Steve Martin and John Candy had in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, you're so goddman tired you need another weekend. And to top it all off, you forgot to DVR Entourage.

The day before school is just like that Sunday. Only it's actually worse than that Sunday. Imagine you had a rectal examine that Sunday night too and then maybe, maybe we could talk comparison.

Those of you in education know what I'm talking about.

And while those of you NOT in education are snickering right now and telling me to suck it up and quit whining (By the way, my boy Hayes thinks teachers are overpaid. I'll send you his email address if you want to fire vitriolic comments his way), I'm here to tell you that on this day, your job is way, WAY better than mine.

September is just another month for you. In fact, it's probably kind of a good one. You have fond memories of returning to college, where you had as much responsibility as a house cat. Football starts for you meatballs and with it comes your precious fantasy football draft. The heat and humidity have gone away, and so too have your kids, which, given the prices of child care, might provide you with a windfall between fifteen and forty-five thousand dollars (if you are sending your child off to school for the first time). Tons of new music gets released, Red Sox playoff baseball begins, and you non-educators move into the time of year where it is YOU who actually get some time off.

And because of your lives as non-teachers (solid, solid decision by the way), you will never know the experience of the night before school begins.

The feeling in my stomach is almost indescribable. Every year, I try going to bed early, only to toss and turn and think about all it is I have to do before I finally decide to wake up at 1:47 and see what movie is on HBO (Fight Club). The more you teach, the more you realize that going back to school really isn't a big deal and in three weeks time, it will be back to business as usual. But it's just the THOUGHT of going back to school that is the killer on this, the night before I have to return to work.

For returning to my job means that there are no more Tuesday night's playing trivia. No more enjoying the ENTIRE Sox game as they play past 1 AM in Seattle on a Thursday. No more lazy Wednesday (or for me, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, AND Wednesday) mornings reading the paper over a cup of coffee at Diesel with only the parking meter to worry about. No more drunken texts with Steve Wall where we quote lines from Pulp Fiction (or Top Gun, or Talledega Nights) at 3:30am as we simultaneously watch said pictures on 203 or 326. No more concerts on a random Monday... Wait, that won't change. I'll just have to get up at six with a hangover instead of at one with a hangover. No more sitting in the sun on a Tuesday morning or shopping on Newbury on Friday at 10:30am. No more fun.

Now, I know that I should be happy to even have this opportunity for eight weeks every summer. I get to relive the adult equivalent of the days we spent playing wiffle ball and water polo (standing was allowed of course) as kids. But in the waning days of August, the trade off isn't even worth it, for there is nothing worse than the dark cloud of a new school year that hangs over us the second we see our first back to school commercial (fuck you Staples). Because do you, Mr. and Ms. Non Educator, know how much you hate Sunday nights? Well, you've only been away for work from two days and you don't want to go back. Try being away from work two MONTHS and then knowing you have to go back. It sure ain't good.

Take your Sunday Blues and multiply them by a billion kagallion and you have some idea of how we educators feel.

Every fall, I try to be positive about the season that brings Halloween (can't wait for the worthless Halloween blog) and Thanksgiving, but I cannot. Molly tried, but after one wake up, her attempts to bring me to Team Positivity failed. While The Shipyard Pumpkin is the best, it cannot offset the horror that is hearing that first ridiculous gripe from a student. You know, the same one you've heard for twelve years now, only out of a different mouth.

There are plenty of good things about teaching (scroll up four paragraphs and re-read) and plenty of bad things (the sheer volume of idiotic people who somehow decided to choose the same profession as I selected). But there is really nothing worse than the First Day Of School Eve (there should be a name for this- Hell Night sounds appropriate or maybe Day of Suck). And like I said, in no time, it'll be business as usual, but that doesn't allay my dread on this night. Just two months ago, I was celebrating my annual Summer of Gerard and that seems like just two hours ago. And in that same span of time, it will be the end of October and then before I know it, I'll be celebrating the annual Christmas Vacation. It'll all go by quickly and painlessly, but those words ring hollow right now, don't they fellow educators?

But on this night- the night before smiling cherubs bearing awful movie tastes and the occassional minging breath arrive at my door- all of you lucky non teachers have it easy. You'll sleep soundly, knowing that tomorrow is just another Wednesday. Just another hump day. Just another night of Bones, Criminal Minds, and Americas Next Top Model. I'd do anything to be in your shoes.

And so when you non-teachers are cursing me on a Tuesday night in July for keeping you out far too late, know that you've got your revenge tonight. And then some.

USA! USA! USA!

As many of you know, I hate America. I wish I were British, I root for the UK squad in World Cup play, I prefer British rock bands, I always root for the "underdog" countries in war (that's mostly a joke by the way). I hate our president, I like three states (two and a quarter seeing as where Mass has Fanuiel Hall), I hate The Ryder Cup team, and I dislike 98% of Americans.

But for some strange reason that no one can explain (and my brother is fascinated by this), I love the USofA come olympic time.

Why?

Frankly, I have no idea. But I do have a few theories. One is that despite how hard I try to NOT be a sports guy, I really like athletic competition. Another is that I love that football is NOT a sport in the olympics. I also love that when discussing the olympics, I realize that a good deal of the people I hate (read: idiots) don't like the olympics. I also love that there is a segment of the population that says, "The olympics aren't my thing" and these are often the same people that make me wish I wasn't an American, so because I am a non conformist, I love the olympic games. But it's more than just being a douche. I really do love the olympics. And here are the thirty reasons why I love the olympics....

30. That Rumor That In '04 They Ran Out Of Condoms In The Olympic Village- Imagine the scene at the olympics? Talk about the best bar on Earth! I'm sure that, as an athlete, you're psyched to be there, but you also must say as you're flying toward your competition, "man, I might get some nice vageen over there..." If that thought doesn't cross your mind, then you are off your game. Imagine the night after your event is over? It's like the last day of school/college graduation/Fourth of July/Bachelor party/Barbecue at your place and you don't have to drive all rolled into one. You just got the gold, your flight isn't until four days from now... Drink Up... And Bang!

29. Seeing Sports That Make You Say, "Hey, I Could Do That!"- I grew up with a pool and I can't swim. I run a 10K six days a week and I'd get lapped three times over if I were to compete in that event. Pole vault? Please... I can't do that in a video game. But team handball? All I could ever do athletically was throw and catch. I'm slower than Mike Lowell with a hip injury, and despite the fact that I left weights all the time, I have no real world strength. I can't bend it like Beckham and I'm probably a 45% free throw shooter. So what can I do with my catch and throw skills?!? TEAM HANDBALL BABY! I'm big enough, I'm in shape enough to lope up and down that court, and most importnatly, I can catch and throw. So where are the team handball try outs for 2012, because I'm in!

28. Weight Lifting- They use phrases called "jerk" and "snatch." Yes, I'm 34. Yes, I find this funny. And yes, you do too.

27. The Opening Ceremonies- Because you might see a girl who looks like this...


26. The Insane Logos- I have to say, I'm a sucker for logos. I think this is genetic as my lil sis Molly has long been a fan of all things logo/emblem (some logos I love: Pan Mass Challenge, Cingular, Sun Microsystems, Atari, Nike, Tiger Wood's logo, Hartford Whalers emblem, Montreal Expos) and she should make them as a living. But these Beijing Pablo Picasso wannabe stick figure logos are off the charts. Check out the hoops dunking one...

25. Trash Talking- The olympics are supposed to be all lovey dovey, but I love that people/teams are all set with each other. It's supposed to be all puppies and ice cream, but it's not. And that's awesome. Fuck you world. Try to beat us Americanos. Because you can't. Unless it's some sport we don't give a shit about.

24. The Literature- I'm engrossed by all stories olympic. I often hate the sports section at this time of year (fuckin football pre-season), but in an olympic year? So money. I love reading about the money spent (23 billion? Are you serious?), but what I really love reading about is everything else. The participants, the rules, the games, the changes... Everything. I don't think there has been a human in the land who has Wikipediaed olympic related questions more than me over the past five days. Need to know handball rules? Need to know that Wes Piermarini went to UMass (Go... Go U...)? Need to know the new gymnastics scoring system? Come to olympic superfan Gerard, 'cause I got your answers...

23. Dubya Showing Up Everywhere- I mean, you all know my feelings on this guy. But he showed up at beach volleyball... And hoops! And he toted his daughter along! It would have been cooler if he toted his drunk, state school educated daughter, but he didn't, and so that makes it not ULTRA cool, but still. The guys the prez and he was amongst seven fans watching beach volleyball. Plus, I think I liked it because I saw the leader of the free world had back sweat, which is a real issue for me personally...

22. The Commercials- I got soul, but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... I got soul but I'm not a soldier... Yeah, you know you gotta help me out... I got chills, but I'm not a loser... I got chills, but I'm not a loser... You know you just kicked my ass... YEEEEAAAAAH! (Marylou! Pre! MJ! And Lester!)



21. Synchronized Diving- Because regardless of my man crushes on Pitt, Clooney, Beckham, and Beringer; my $60 haircuts; my fancy jeans; and my love for chick lit; there is no one who is more ambiguously gay than these cats...

20. Badminton- I mean, for serious, this is an olympic sport?!? That same one you play in the back yard while holding a High Life. How awesome is that? When are they making darts an olympic sport?

19. Sunday Night's Swim Relay- Honestly, this country sucks. I like like 17 people total out of the whole place. And Sunday night was literally the best sporting event I've ever seen. Now, I know that you always hear this from and at the end of the day, was it really better than this years Cees or the '04 Sox? Probably not. But this IS Three Days Is Kinda Money and I only speak in hyperbole, so for the here and now, it doesn't get better than that. How can that dude possibly have made up that margin in ten strokes? it makes no sense! It was so awesome. Making it even more awesome was...

18. We Beat the French- All I do is defend the French. Seriously. I fuckin hate this country. I like France way more. They score an 11 on the coolness factor while we score a negative six. But Sunday night? Fuck the French. And their croissants...

17. Natalie Coughlin- Until one of you makes me famous, this is the best my surname has done. If she only realized that she were a goddamn American and we pronounced our name coff-lin, not cog-lin, then maybe I'd like her a bit more. That said, it's cool to see your name on the NBC in-the-pool graphic come race time.

16. Did I Mention the Commercials?-


15. Monochromatic Navy Blue- While nothing will top monochromatic maroon (UMass in the 1AA football finals) or monochromatic black (me everyday at the gym), monochromatic navy blue is pretty awesome. While other countries go with ridiculous colors (stop it Brazil and Sweden), the USofA has a classy navy. It's sleek and stylish and I've always loved it. I love it most on the English National Futbol Team, but it looks great on the Americans. Particularly when they are ripping spikes in six on six volleyball.

14. Bela Karolyi- Just seeing this guy makes me happy. Mostly because I know that there is a guy who is a worse human than me roaming the Earth, but that's irrlevant. We know this guys name. Why? Because he coaches an insane sport that we care about every four years.. And I love that he makes the most of it... Get paid Bela, even if you are a goon...

13. The Pose Down- Nothing made me prouder than the 4x100 relay pose down from 2000. Everyone here had a meltdown- largely because the team was all black- but that was an olympic moment. Why? Because everyone is always so "nice" in the olympics and this brought some freshness to the program. I love how much people hated this and it seems hypocritical seeing as where I love my low key guys (Mariano), but this was great. We smoked you world. Deal with it. If you don't like it... Get good and beat us...


12. Pros Play- They play in hoops, but they play in soccer, tennis, and hockey too. And I love it. It's the olympics. You send your best. And the best play professionally. Don't like it? Go to a AA baseball game. Get your "amateur" fill there. This is the world's stage and I want to see the best. Who do I want to see in the tennis final? Why, two guys named Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. Anything else would be a bummer. If you don't like this, then you are either old or dense. And it sucks to be both. Bring on the best. It shouldn't be any other way...

11. Water Polo Goalie- Because I thought my job sucked.

10. Skanky Outfits- Be it beach volleyball (for dudes) or swimming (for chicks), seeing really fit, scantily clad people is cool. I'm a personal fan of the middle distance runners. Think these girls have eaten a Cinnabon? Ever?

9. The Three Dots Over The iji in Beiing- Thanks Molly. You were right. it does look nice...

8. Fencing- This sport is awesome because if it were 700 years ago, fencing would actually be called "swording" and the loser would likely die. In an age where duels are gone (I could name fifteen people I'd give my left nut to duel RIGHT NOW!), this is all we have. It would be way cooler if there were two people out there with samurai swords (Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes maybe?) battling away. But since we've progressed as a society, so we can't have that. So fencing we got.

7. Lando Calrissian Throwing Out The First Ball- Woops. Got my athletic events confused. Lando threw out the ball at Sox/Sox. It was just so cool I got confused...

6. USA Softball- How awesome is this? No one will admit it, but the USofA is so goddamn good at softball that they are chucking the event as an olympic sport. At first, I was upset, but then it made me laugh. It felt like that neighborhood game where you made upo some proposterous rule just to defeat someone you hated. I'll never foget the time when I hit a homer in the cavernous wiffle ball park that was Bibeau Stadium. I was the first "not high school kid" to hit one out of this huge park. I was also the most hated out of these non high school kids (fuckin Mike Fay ten years my senior always wanted to fight me because I was so damn good) and so I went to four o'clock mass with my mom (probably the last time I was in a church) and came back and Ted, Gregg, Mark, and Jeff had all "homered" while I left. Weird, huh? So that makes me love USA softball. Get good or go home. And if you can't get good, then nix the sport. The world is filled with pussies....

5. Winning Multiple Medals- Seriously, if you know me, I know this makes no sense. But I root so hard for the US. And nothing is better than multiple medals. I love when a favorite (Natile Coughlin) wins and then when another, less known teammate medals. It's incredible. But nothing tops a sweep. Nice work fencing chicks...

4. A Brother In The Pool- In the words of Nat X, I guess my people have decided to dominate yet another sport...

3. Womens Weightlifting- Holy shit! All things considered, I've actually slept with really good looking women!

2. Cable Coverage- Honestly, what the hell were we doing back in 1976? We can see EVERYTHING now and you know what? I LOVE it!!! I love that I can see archery, rowing, badminton (I'm currently watching the guys who Ortiz and Urlacher played in the Vitamin Water commercial), and swimming all in the same night (watching the olympics is made even better when you are a worthless teacher in August). Also, the commentators they choose for the events are phenomenal. They break down the events without insulting the viwer and it really is great. I have no plans to watch a movie or go out for the next week and a half and that is solely because of the olympics.

1. USA Hoops- LeBron... Kobe... Carmelo... CP3... Bosh... Did you expect something else? My boys... In monochromatic navy... Smoking a bunch of pussy Europeans... USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

You Old Stiffs Are Going Down

The 2008 Olympic Mens Basketball Team beats The Dream Team. Yeah, the 1992 Dream Team.

Without a problem (sorry ladies, you can stop reading now. The gymnastics post is coming tomorrow).

In case you have forgotten, The 1992 Dream Team had this roster:

Gambling Michael Jordan
I Don't Have AIDS Magic
Larry "I Don't Tip" Bird
Gambling Charles Barkley
I Ate John Starks Patrick Ewing
Short Shorts John Stockton
Flat Top Chris Mullin
Mustache Clyde Drexler
Soft David Robinson
I Never Won Anything Karl Malone
I Shouldn't have Been On The Top 50 Greatest Players of All Time Scottie Pippen
Are You Serious Christian Laettner

My Nasty 2008 Roster Consists of:

Which One of You Tools Is Guarding Me LeBron
Best Player On The Planet Kobe
No One On The 1992 Team Can Guard Me D-Wade
I'm The Same Size As Barkley Only I can Shoot Carmelo
Beast Dwight Howard
I'm A More Athletic Big Man Than Robinson Chris Bosh
I Kill Stockton Guarding Me Deron Williams
I Kill Stockton Guarding Me Chris Paul
I Am Chris Mullin Only Better Michael Redd
I'm A Natural Power Forward Carlos Boozer
Lock Down Defender Tayshaun Prince
I'm Not Good, But I'm Still Better Than Laettner Jason Kidd

Now, I understand what The Dream Team did in 1992. Beat everyone by about an average of 40, never used a timeout, had 11 guys score in double figures in a given game (bet you can guess who didn't).

But the world has improved. And while the United States hasn't won a gold in eight years, this is their year. They have a perfectly assembled team. And while we will never see the blowouts we saw in 1992, the U.S. will roll. And they will roll over teams that run out one of the world's best big men (China), one of the world's best all around players (Germany), a team full of NBA starters (Argentina), and a flat out force in Spain. These are not your 1992 Olympics. There is parity all around and the U.S. knows it and they are ready for it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I love USA Basketball (not women's by the way) and this roster is awesome. Something about All Star teams has always made me happy and having an all star team in games that actually count (as opposed to all star games) is exceptionally cool. There are some flaws in the team selection system because, yes, having Duncan, KG, Pierce, Arenas, Iverson, Camby (Go, Go U...), Stoudamire, or some other studs might be nice. But this team is pretty unbelievable. I also only started liking the NBA in about 1992 and that is about the same time everyone starting hating this sport. And while you all have been crapping on the NBA it has (yeah, yeah, you've heard this before) become awesome. Players are phenomenal. LeBron would be a center if it were 1960, everyone can shoot, drive, and make freakishly athletic plays (well, the stars at least. You still do nothing Wally Sczerbiak). So as I've said before, this ain't your grandfathers NBA. And while many of you wish (for what reason, I don't know) it were, it's not. Get over it. Today's NBA players get paid a lot, have tattoos and rock funky hair. And oh yeah, they can play. And just like the players from years ago they "play hard" and they "care." They just make more money than you, drive better cars than you, and are- heaven forbid- black. So for all of those reasons, you think this team is a bunch of selfish jerks who only care about the bling and the Cristal. Well, come August 24th, you'll see that this team is money. And hopefully then you'll shut up. Enough of my NBA public service announcement. Let's get to the match ups...

The two teams were created in a remarkably similar fashion. They are buoyed by their three all around studs, both teams have pure point guards, pure shooters, lock down defenders, rebounding beasts, and cagey veterans. Both teams have their obvious advantages (1992 has a size advantage and three of the greatest players ever, my 2008 team has freakish, unguardable all around athletes who can do more than players in 1992 ever could and a new breed of point guard) and both teams have their weaknesses (you're old 1992, you're young 2008). And with that in mind, let's discuss the match-ups.

There are a couple of different ways to do this as you never know who is going to guard who and which combinations are going to go against which combinations. You could go right up and down the roster and do match-ups, but that's boring. So we'll try to do it a little differently. Here's how a game might shake out...

The Starting Five

Magic, Larry, Michael, Sir Charles and Ewing v. Kobe, Lebron, Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and 'Melo.

Magic presents a matchup problem, but Deron Williams is stronger than you think. Kobe takes Michael, Howard takes Ewing, 'Melo takes Larry (two defensive liabilities), and LeBron takes Sir Charles.

Now, I know what all you old folks longing for the glory days are thinking. What a match up joke, but really, is it? You all think that no one today plays defense, but did Larry play defense? And I think I heard something about Kobe playing D. Howard might be better than Ewing and LeBron- even though you think of him as a SG- would OWN Sir Charles. But let's look at it from the other side...

How are you, 1992 Dream Team, covering Coach K's boys?

My friends love to beg the question, "who cover's McHale?" when we have these generational discussions. But I ask you. Who covers LeBron? Is Charles playing this guy on the perimeter? You putting super athlete Larry (1992 Larry by the way) on him? Sure, put Michael on him. But then, who's covering Kobe?

As we know, you can't run your old 1992 team out there all game or they will die, so to the bench we will have to go and let's do just that...

My first guy off is D-Wade. Who covers him? He's virtually uncoverable now, playing against young studs. I'll put him against Drexler and they both will wind up having comparable careers. Further, while Drexler looked good 16 years ago, there are 25 (from Pierce, to Ray Ray, to Joe Johnson, to Shawn Marion, to Vince Carter, to Richard Jefferson) players like him in the NBA. His skills are no longer amazing. So I'll take unguardable D-Wade any day...

The two point guards off the bench are Stockton and CP3. Sure, Stockton is the assist king, but the position has changed and CP3 IS the future of that position. He eats Stockton alive and runs him off the court. Don't believe me? Look at their two best years to the right...

Power forwards off the bench are Carlos Boozer and Karl Malone. Anyone ever seen them in the room at the same time? They are the same guy. You remember and love Karl Malone because he was... ON THE 1992 DREAM TEAM!!! But really, he was a boring player who did two things well, but so does Boozer. Match up their best seasons. Boozer is Malone, only without the catchy nickname...

Chris Bosh and David Robinson bounce off the bench as the backup centers and while this looks like a run away victory for The Dream Team, remember all the knocks on The Admiral... He was soft, he was soft, and he was soft... And who better to put on a soft guy than a soft guy? Only a soft guy who is faster and younger. I always loved The Admiral and he obviously has the resume, but Chris Bosh ain't so bad...

The shooters are Michael Redd and Chris Mullin. Mullin could rain with the best of them. But guess what? So can Redd. In fact, these two guys might be the same dude. But because Mullin played in an era when everyone liked basketball and none of you would know who Michael Redd is, Mullin is considered better. Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story...

The lock down defenders are Pippen and Prince. Here, the Dream Team probably has me because Pippen could do more than Prince. But remember that Pippen did absolutely nothing (and I mean NOTHING) when he left Michael. And Prince is considered a pain in the ass as a defender. And further, he loves it...

The skank is rounded out by Laettner and Kidd and guess what? My skank KILLS your skank...

Again, you can't match it up correctly. You could match up lifetime scoring averages and the 1992 team would kill me, but scoring is down now and that's because teams are better. But here are some of the highlights of the game, as I see it...

Team 2008 shockingly wins the tap as Howard jumps out of the gym and directs the ball to a streaking LeBron- perfectly reading the tap- who leaves a stunned Barkley in the dust and windmill slams home two. This sets the tone for the first half, a half dominated by Team 2008...

The rest of the game? Coming tomorrow...