Are The Lyrics Of The Year From The Song Of The Year?

It's time for my favorite post of the year. It will be wordy and you will be bored at times, but hopefully, you will find yourself downloading a new tune or two.

But in a year with a tremendous volume of high profile (at least in my indie-poseur world) bands releasing big albums, you would have thought there would have been more lights out songs. Alas, there were not. While there were some great albums (Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay, Vampire Weekend, Death Cab For Cutie, and an amazing one by Ra Ra Riot), there were tons of disappointments (Beck, Weezer, Foo Fighters, Kanye West, Gnarls Barkley) and then there were some albums that were really solid, but couldn't be considered great because the same bands had released albums in previous years that were all better (Bloc Party, The Killers, Cold War Kids, Snow Patrol, Wolf Parade, Kings of Leon, Oasis, Ray LaMontagne, The Hold Steady, and even my beloved TV On The Radio).

Looking back on my list from last year, I was pretty happy with it. I got most everything right, but I did err a few times ("Apartment Story" needs to be 2, "All of My Friends" needs to be top ten). Looking over the music from 2007, there was not a single song from this year's list that would have made it into the Top 8. But, even still, there were some amazing songs. Strangely, hip hop made some inroads with me this year. Not enough for me to start wearing straight brimmed hats and over sized jeans, but it looked a lot closer to the glory days of 92-93 than it has had in recent years.

Okay, enough. Here are the 59 best songs of 2008. The qualifications to make the list are simple: When the noise created by the musicians together eminates from the speakers of the stereo and into my ears, is it a pleasurable experience? Extra points are always given for songs that can be played at a party, ridiculous lyrics (although bad lyrics can never hurt a song. See #3 below.), the "who is THIS?" feeling, and a song that makes you want to run really, REALLY fast. The list grew, but remember, quantity does not always equal quality...

59. "Life In Technicolor"- Coldplay: The first of several from my boys who made the album of the year. And it's an instrumental. All 2008 playlists should begin with this song. Two and a half minutes of happiness.

58. "American Boy"- Estelle Featuring Kanye West: About the only thing my favorite rapper/trash talker/Bush Hater did all year. Such a great little diddy. A must on a party CD where the guests have wildly differing musical tastes. It'll be a uniter.

57. "Bleeding Love"- Leona Lewis: Loved it the first time I heard it. Loved it a little less the 787th time I heard it. But drop it on a playlist in three years and we'll see then that it is a keeper.

56. "Everybody Get Dangerous"- Weezer: Weezer being Weezer here. And while it is not "My Name Is Jonas," "Keep Fishin'," or even "Photograph," it was still plenty rocking. And in this year of mediocrity, that is good enough for me.

55. "All Summer Long"- Kid Rock: I always kept it on in the car, okay?

54. "Run"- Gnarls Barkley: When I first heard this song, I had visions of a potential album of the year candidate. And while the rest of the album stinks, you can't hold that against them. Try not running around in circles when you hear this song.

53. "Spaceman"- The Killers: People want to automatically hate them (you Bill Simmons) and the hype makes people look at them with a wary eye, but they are now four albums deep (including their highly underrated B Sides disc) and they make great alt rock songs. There Return To The 80s efforts may not have been a dead bullseye, but this is a great song. Although the best thing they did all year was show up in that Olympic Nike commercial.

52. "Supernatural Superserious"- R.E.M.: Lost in the sea of big releases was this gem by a band that I think has gotten better and better and has never been fully appreciated for how hard they rock (listen to "What's The Frequency Kenneth" please) as they are best known for semi-folksy ballads. But this tune showed them at their rocking best. I wish they would bust out the electric guitar more often.

51. "Soldier's Grin"- Wolf Parade: An awesome band who delivered my bro's album of the year have some songs that run a bit long. But the CD blows up with this awesome intro. It then makes you go back and buy their old CD, which, if released this year, would have two songs in the top ten. Still a great effort though.

50. "Live Your Life"- T.I. Featuring Rihanna: Any hip hop song that evokes memories of Naughty By Nature (Love that "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY-EYYYYYYYY") has to make the list. This dude gives me hope for hip hop.

49. "M79"- Vampire Weekend: Ignore the backlash and ignore the pretentiousness. These guys released an amazing album and "M79" is just one of many examples of their ridiculous catchiness.

48. "One Month Off"- Bloc Party: The fact that these guys aren't way more appreciated befuddles me. Yes, their debut is loved and extremely well reviewed, but their last two albums have been liked at best and ripped at worst. Why that is, I'll never know. But I do know that the music industry has changed and there are tons of bands out there, many of whom are a flavor of the week, but these guys continue to kill it and although you'll always recognize Kele's voice, their songs are all so wildly different. And I love them for that.

47. "Sequestered In Memphis"- The Hold Steady: How more of you people who like classic rock DON'T like this band is beyond me. Remember, it's okay to like something new.

46. "Manhattan"- Kings Of Leon: My love/hate relationship with this band continues. But man do they make ridiculously good songs.

45. "L.E.S. Artistes"- Santogold: Got to the party way late on this one. She is doing a great job of keeping this run of awesome female rockers/pop stars/rappers going. This seems to be everyones favorite and it absolutely should be on everyones holiday party late night mix.

44. "Gamma Ray"- Beck: Like Weezer above, this is Beck being Beck and that's a good thing. But in the last couple of years, we've been bombarded with amazing talent on the indie rock/alt scene and so the old veterans have to turn it up. And while Beck turned it up somewhat with this single, he needs to do more.

43. "Crack The Shutters"- Snow Patrol: In the words of Will Hunting, "Ibid, your honor."


42. "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You"- Black Kids: In the same vein as The Go! Team and that is a really, really good thing. This could be the dance song of the year and it should immediately be on your running playlist. As I write this, I realize it should probably be higher on the list.

41. "Oh, La"- Ra Ra Riot: As I said at the outset, this is one of the best albums of the year and this track with it's multiple changes and unbelievable vocals is one of their gems.

40. "Death And All His Friends"- Coldplay: God, this album has so many good songs. And a text book way for a wildly popular band to end their epic and finest record is to have THIS song wrap things up. It's almost like Wicked Good Album 101 to do that and it Coldplay aced that course with this tune.

39. "Crying"- TV On The Radio: Somehow, these guys keep amazing me. This is exactly the career path bands should follow. Try something new, but keep to the old from time to time. With "Crying," TVOTR has somehow made a wannabe 1970s Earth Wind and Fire song sound completely new and completely appropriate. People will have no idea that the same band that wrote "Staring At the Sun" wrote this song.

38. "Got Money"- Lil Wayne: The hip hop resurgence continues with another great artist. People used to dump on me for dumping on hip hop seven or eight years ago when it was dominated by stupid 50 Cent and the wildly overrated Eminem. Compare those two clowns- along with the other ridiculous rappers like Jadakiss and Ja Rule- to the genre changing performers of today (Kanye, Common, Lupe Fiasco and Lil Wayne) and you'll know why I hated hip hop. Good for Lil Wayne for making something different. And not mentioning Cristal and 22s.

37. "Pop Lie"- Okkervil River: Who'd have thunk I'd like a band who is compared to Dylan?!? At least I can understand his "genius" lyrics.

36. "Dawn of the Dead"- Does It Offend You, Yeah?: No, I don't like the song just because it's one of my favorite horror movies. I like the song because it is Brit Pop at its best. Another great song in that long line of alt rock/80s Techno songs that I oh so love.

35. "Time To Pretend"- MGMT: Once again bringing that techno sound to rock. Sure, when done poorly, it sounds like Asia, but when done well, it sounds like Depeche Mode. MGMT is like Depeche Mode without the pain and devestation. All that upbeat attitude makes this one of the catchiest songs of the year.

34. "Lust"- The Raveonettes: As I said, an album of the year and this is one of the songs that you just need to hear. What makes me love Indie Rock are bands like this.

33. "Campus"- Vampire Weekend: Seriously, stop hating.

32. "Mercy"- Duffy: So begins a stretch of some really, really cheesey pop songs. However, I guess this is what happens when it is a down year in indie rock. If Duffy was actually marketed differently, she might have been this years "It Girl." While she isn't Amy Winehouse, she certainly could have been close to Kate Nash. How she got marketed as a pop tart is surprising when you listen to the album. But whatever. When I first heard those opening synth/drum beats, I was hooked. Nice work Duffy.

31. "Always Where I Need To Be"- The Kooks: I've never seen so many girls at a concert in my life. Of course, I have never been to a New Kids show. Oh yeah, the song is really catchy too.

30. "Hey Hey Girl"- The Virgins: This is probably a band with little staying power and there are those that will call them too poppy, but this is one of those songs that if I played this in a room, five people would ask who it is. It would be like that scene in High Fidelity. Only the record store I owned would just be my living room.

29. "New Soul"- Yael Naim: If you don't like this song, you have no soul. And LD, this HAS to be your song of the year!

28. "Sometime Around Midnight"- The Airborne Toxic Event: This would have been much higher on the list had I not heard it every nine second on the FNX morning show. That said, those are some pretty awesome lyrics. We all know something about jealousy, but this guy might be a little more jealous than most of us.


27. "The 59 Sound"- The Gaslight Anthem: Was a top tenner until I saw them. Their wannabe coolness makes The Bravery look as cool as The National. That said, this Bruce Springsteen by way of John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band was an immediate, "Who the hell is this?!?" when I first heard it. And that reaction always gets you on the list.

26. "This Is Your Life"- The Killers: Exactly what makes me love Brandon and the boys. Soaring vocals, tons of musical changes... In fifteen years, they will seriously have one of THE BEST Greatest Hits Albums of all time, because when they get it right, boy do they get it right.

25. "Whatever You Like"- T.I.: Two T.I. songs on my list? No, Ed Lover is not writing this blog.

24. "The Shock Of The Lightning"- Oasis: Continuing the trend of Great Bands NOT Doing Their Greatest Work, Oasis did manage to find one classic with this song. They'll always be awesome and the fact that I just LIKE this album, really makes me appreciate just how good they are, because you know what? There really are not any terrible songs on here, there's just no "Wonderwall" (what's a music post without a "Wonderwall" comment?) or a "Don't Look Back In Anger" on it. And I need to come to grips with that because those are some pretty lofty expectations. Stupid expectations. They killed The Phantom Menace too.

23. "Use Somebody"- Kings Of Leon: I guess I just have to come to grips with the fact that I like these guy. And if it were 1971 and there was no such thing as alternative rock, they'd be Lynard Skynard. So, does that mean I like Lynard Skynard?

22. "Ion Square"- Bloc Party: Is it possible that I just like these guys so much because they are gay, British, AND black and those are three things I'd love to be?!?

21. "Viva La Vida"- Coldplay featuring Joe Satriani: Wait, who's this band again?

20. "Old Highs New Lows"- Bob Mould: Quite possibly the most underrated musician of the past 25 years. And that's not even a Big G overstatement (don't believe me? Please, please, please go out and purchase Sugar Copper Blue ) Like me, Bob is now old, but with his old age comes wisdom and reflection. The title tells you everything you need to know about the song and to all my older readers, let me just say that you'll commiserate with Bob on this one.

19. "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"- Beyonce: From Bob Mould to Beyonce. Listen, even I don't understand myself, okay? This song is what this type of music should be all about. Oh and by the way, this will be the most requested song for a bridesmaid dance/bachelorette party/take your friend out after she's been dumped for the next, oh... 87 years.

18. "Atom"- British Sea Power: All the things rock should be. Love the slow build. The distortion at the end could go, but that's what the right arrow on your iPod click wheel is for.

17. "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It"- Snow Patrol: Yes, I said that this album was nothing new, but like so many others on this list, this is Ireland's finest at their ABSOLUTE finest. Points for the lyrics and Gary Lightbody's RIDICULOUS vocals at the 2:40 mark of the song.

16. "Business Time"- Flight Of The Conchords: Okay, not only is this painfully funny and amazingly true for so many relationships, but it also weirdly... Rocks. It's so good that I bought a tee shirt with a line from the song. And exactly zero people know what the tee shirt is referring to. I hate people.


15. "Grey Estates"- Wolf Parade: A super solid album. And this is the pick of the litter. I love the vox and the catchiness. Definitely an entire CD worth picking up.

14. "Halfway Home"- TV On The Radio: Are Tunde and company really making a ba ba ba happen?!? They certainly are. Another song with "the build." Should be the first song on your long run playlist. You'll be flying when it kicks in.

13. "Grounds For Divorce"- Elbow: Are they serious with this song? Omigod it rocks. And watch the video too, just to see a beer mug turned into an extremely effective instrument.

12. "Hallucinations"- The Raveonettes: Top ten album of the year right here. Great stuff that seems to have been forgotten on many critics' lists. The guitar riff will have you playing air guitar in front of your mirror. Unless, of course, it's released for Rock Band 3. Then you can say you were "playing a game."

11. "Dig"- Incubus: Yup. I know. All credibility lost. But in defense of me, listen to the song and try to remove the image of that tool lead singer from your mind. Difficult, I know. But for me... Please? Pretty please? Let me maintain some sense of dignity.


10. "Lights Out"- Santogold: Okay, months ago, I heard this song in Diesel (the coffee shop, not the jeans store). I didn't want to seem unhip so I didn't ask the really hip people behind the counter who this was. Instead, I went home and searched every female singer from Sinead Lohan to Melissa Branch (seriously) to Kate Perry. And I came up with nothing. And then I was listening to this hyped Santogold chick and boom... It was like discovering a twenty in last years winter coat. Only the twenty was a C Note because that's how AWESOME this song is.


9. "You Are the Best Thing"- Ray LaMontagne: I have such a soft spot for this guy. Listen to this song and tell me you don't think of a modern day Otis Redding. He's so good. And his lyrics. Are you kidding me? They are made even better when someone tells you that they wish they wrote this song for you. ;)

8. "Can You Tell"- Ra Ra Riot: The debut band of the year crushes it with this song. Super catchy, just the right length, and then you hear the lyrics. The result? A Top Tenner.


7. "After Hours"- We Are Scientists: My thoughts some months ago in the car: Hey, I kind of liked these guys first disc. I should throw this new one in and give it a shot. This is pretty catchy... It's a really nice day out... What should I have for lunch... God I hate Angela Singer... Wait... What the hell is THIS song?!? Months later, you have a song of the year. Download it, love it, or I'll give you your $0.99 back.


6. "Oxford Comma"- Vampire Weekend: Try not singing along to it.

5. "Strawberry Swing"- Coldplay: They've played virtually every other song on the radio but THIS is still the hands down best on the album. It's this amazing mix of mellow, yet upbeat. Ballady, yet rocky. I don't know how anyone can say this is anything BUT the album of the year.

4. "Something Is Not Right With Me"- Cold War Kids: If I said it once, I said it a thousand times: Incredible. And two minutes. Bri says this thing has become a Cold War Kid fan site. I say I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Nathan is referring to a Matthew Sweet song in his lyrics. Even better.

3. "Sex On Fire"- Kings Of Leon: Okay, who wrote this thing, Gene Simmons? Regardless, this is the sing-a-long anthem of the year (as evidenced by 3000 people screaming it at The Orpheum last month) and I love it. Right down to the horrific lyrics. And on a side note, what would you give to have this guys voice? I legit thought about this for forty minutes yesterday. I said that if I could shoot myself in the top of the foot and feel the pain for an hour but then have a full recovery with nary a limp or a scar in exchange for one night with Caleb's voice, then I'd do it. Yup, you're friends with me.

2. "Cath..."- Death Cab For Cutie: Is it possible for a song to have the saddest lyrics ever AND be ridiculously catchy at the same time? Well, Death Cab managed to do that. They also managed to write- in about 20 lines- a story that has taken me seven years, 90 rejection letters, and 350 pages to write. Can I sue them for copyright infringement?


BIG FAT CHEAT!!! "Blank Slate"- The National: A way old song, but it cam out THIS year on The Virginia EP!!! That counts! And really, who DIDN'T see this coming?!?

1. "Le Ruse"- Tapes 'N Tapes: This is not Big G being Pretentious Music Big G. I kept trying to NOT make this my number one song of the year and then I realized... It IS my song of the year. Because it is so good. I absolutely love music that transcends generations and improves on something that we all think is impossible to improve on. There is a finite amount of music out there and at some point, don't we have to run out? Isn't one rock song really like the next?!? They all rip off from each other. Well, Tapes 'N Tapes showed me that you CAN make ridiculously awesome music, even if it sounds like other music. That is what these guys have done. They have taken the straight up rock song and well... Rocked it. This song could be a Stones song, a Zeppelin tune, a Pearl Jam jam, a Nirvana diddy, an Oasis rocker, or a Foo single. But it's not. It's a rock song by a band that hardly anybody has heard of and it will rock with the best of them. But that is part of what I hate about today's music. "Le Ruse" is all mine and I love that. But because of the number of bands out there, the various formats, and the fact that the wheel has already been invented, nothing today can be properly appreciated because it didn't come first. Had Tapes 'N Tapes had the good fortune of being born thirty years earlier, they would be much more appreciated. But because they weren't they will never get the credit they should. And this song NEEDS to get some credit. From the opening distortion, to the bridge in the middle, to the anthemic vocals at the end, "Le Ruse" is the song of the year. And in a day and age where people (my old, refusing to change friends) lament music, Tapes 'N Tapes shows us that it is still possible to just rock out, with nary a scarf, viola, hipster beard, or keyboard in sight. Just four guys, some guitars, a drum kit and amps cranked to eleven. Bravo Tapes 'N Tapes.

The Most Gratuitous Show On Television

Well looky here! Two posts in less than 24 hours! I'm in the zone!

Anyways, I've always wanted to do a running diary of something and write as it happens. I've thought about doing the Academy Awards, but I like that too much and just want to pay attention to it. I've also thought about doing a movie and just pointing out all the awesomeness in every scene. But you people would make it through nine lines of that. And so as I was flipping through the channels, I stumbled across a show on CBS at 10:00pm last night. I was mad at myself for forgetting it was on. I was even madder that my computer wasn't near me. But anyways, here it is. Th First Annual Running Diary of The Victoria Secret Fashion Show, which is better known as the show that makes men and women alike want to slice fat off of their love handles as they watch. I think I've watched this show before and I think it's bad. But that should make it all the more fun. And sorry this isn't out until the day after. My editor wanted to look it over. So, without further ado...

10:00: Hey look! A washed up former VS model is hosting. Heidi Klum. This thing has a host?
10:01: Look at these credits?!? This cast rivals True Romance.
10:01: Whoa... Hey... Who is Miranda Kerr?!? Aside from a girl who will never like me...
10:02: Is that Usher as a musical guest?!? Oh God... This show is going to have every B List star alive. I guarantee Diddy is in the house...
10:03: Giant wings... Very practical... I haven't met girls who wear those...
10:04: Please read five lines above and note the time... I swear to God this is happening in real time, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Diddy. Next to Martha Stewart I think.
10:04: Here's my first in a series of Marisa Miller questions and it's for the ladies: Do you guys hate on her like you hate on every other woman or do you take my Brad/George/Becks/Leo stance and just admit how ridiculously awesome she is?
10:05: And a Paris Hilton shot... I swear to God I did not see this before my opening remarks... You people know State Capitals, dangling participles, and math formulas. I know me B List.
10:06: I like that Usher is singing a very current and timely song...
10:07: Two things confirmed... One, I am more prescient than Nostradamus... Two, that is Diddy... Two seats over from K Mart's own Martha Stewart. How did I lose so much betting on football games back in college with this ESP I have?
10:07: Duhammel... The B List continues..
10:11: Can you imagine a worse room to be in if you are a softball catcher than this giant "hair and makeup room?" And there is no way, absolutely NO WAY these girls like each other. It's not humanly possible. I'd love to have a hidden camera and listen to Alessandra talk about how she saw Adrianna eating a piece of celery with PEANUT BUTTER earlier in the day and how fat she looks because of it.
10:13: Hey, look. A guy with bongos who no one has ever heard of.
10:14: Next Marisa Miller question: If you were her high school boyfriend, how exactly, are you functioning sexually these days? That 33 year old mother of three sitting next to you on the couch can't be getting it done, can it? And when you tell your college buddies that you used to hit that, do they laugh so hard that they can't breath or do they just look at you for a few seconds and go back to their beers?
10:18: Was that Jeff Gordon and his Judd wife?
10:18: The big guns continue to roll out... Brett Ratner... Director of Rush Hour 2!
10:19: No way that doughnut Marisa is eating is real. It was digitally inserted in. Really, she was eating a paper towel.

10:24: The Killers! Nice! You know my sex drive is waning when the highlight of the night is a song by an all male band.
10:26: Shot of Lenny Kravitz as Adrianna Lima walks out... As many of you likely know, they used to date. For a while. And she says she is a virgin. Lenny walks down the street and lays women just by looking at them. There is no way that Adrianna spent time with Lenny and didn't get defiled.
10:27: There's Diddy. Applauding a model in Granny Panties. Man, he's lost his way.
10:28: Marisa question #3... Are they real?
10:28: My future ex-wife has a cut on the back of her foot. I know a guy who can fix that.... Trainer Steve Mirasolo!!!
10:29: The VS girls are talking about bad pick up lines. There are guys that actually talk to these women without dry heaving from nervousness?
10:29: Just what I want to see on the VS fashion show... Girls in one piece bathing suits dancing that are not VICTORIA SECRET MODELS!!!!! I paid to see U2! Not a U2 cover band!!!
10:30: That's nice. They invited a burn victim to the show... Oh wait, that's just Seal.
10:32: I guarantee these women survive on a 175 calorie a day diet.
10:33: Another thing I don't want to see at the VS Fashion Show. Women in winter clothing. If I wanted to see that, I'd walk down Comm Ave on a Friday night in January. More skin please!
10:37: Hey, a commercial for Mt. Auburn Hospital! The very place I was born! And many years later, the very same place I'd have my first rectal exam!
10:38: Nice! Usher's back! CBS definitely wants to make this the Victoria Secret Fashion Show circa 2005. At least they'd have Gisele there, thus insuring them at least one A Lister.
10:41: Speaking of Usher, in my mid-twenties, when I really wanted to know how to dance better, I taped the Usher "U Remind Me" video and I would watch it over and over, attempting to learn his moves. True story.
10:42: THAT'S the President Of Victoria's Secret? I don't think she started as a model.
10:43: God this show is awful, but wait... Is that..? Bloc Party! "Banquet!" Yes! Holy shit! I'm so happy now! But wait. My two favorite parts of this show are all male bands, one of whom is fronted by a gay man. Do I officially need to sort some things out?
10:46: Marisa question #4: If you are currently dating her and you have the "what should we do for dinner tonight?" conversation for the umpteenth time, are you annoyed with her or do you roll with it because she's... You know... Marisa Miller?
10:47: My brother just walked in and said these two things: "Marisa Miller is kind of a butterface" and "some of these girls asses aren't that good." True story. Between his penchant for neatness and comments like these, I sometimes wonder if he was adopted.
10:47: Out strolls Adrianna Lima. She just walked by Lenny and he dropped his seed in her. Again.
10:48: They have my future ex-wife in the evenings worst outfit. And the more I look at her, the more I'm beginning to think she's 18.
10:49: Commercial time. Three things: This show has more commercials than Oprah. I haven't watched something this disappointingly bad since the second Matrix. What the hell are all these TV shows that CBS is advertising?

10:50: WBZ News says Whitey is turning himself in. No way The Brother of The Former President of The University of Massachusetts is turning himself in. He's enjoying Venezuela too much.
10:52: Here comes the big finale. The only way this show is going to rally is if Marisa's silicon tit falls out or we see Adrianna Lima come out nine months pregnant from Kravitz's super sperm.
10:55: Final Marisa Miller question: If you're having drinks at Maryanne's and there is a table of hot, skankily dressed BC girls talking about how good looking you are and you happen to overhear them, do you chat them up on the way to the bathroom?
10:55: Who do you think these models are pointing to when they gesture to someone in the audience? Their mothers and fathers for giving them these genes? Their plastic surgeon? Their agent? Boyfriend? Kravitz?
10:57: Safety pin located! Crisis averted! These girls have a tough job. This morning on FNX, they were talking about recession proof jobs. Is Victoria's Secret Model recession proof?
10:58: Here comes the big finale... The models come out... They bow... They look thin and hot... They run back stage and talk about the after party (which will be full of White Russians made with heavy cream and meatloaf sandwiches I'm sure)... My 18 year old future ex-wife thanks me for watching... And over...
10:59: Can I have the last hour of my life back?

As LL Cool J Said, Don't Call It A Comeback

come·back (kŭm'bāk') n. A return to formerly enjoyed status or prosperity: The film star made an unexpected comeback.

The key word there is FORMERLY. A person makes a comeback when they had a FORMERLY enjoyed status. Take, for example, the Hollywood career of John Travolta.

As we all know, John Travolta was on top of the world in the late seventies with his turn as Danny Zuko in Grease and then as a "Mistah Kaater" bothering Vinnie Barbarino in Welcome Back Kotter. Then things started to go south for Vinnie Barbarino. He had a modicum of success with Urban Cowboy in 1980 and Staying Alive in 1983, but then he all but disappeared until 1994 when he reapperaed as some fat ganster who really dug swine named Vincent Vega. If it weren't for Look Who's Talking in 1989, we'd have thought that Travolta was holed up in a bunker drinking Narragansetts while reminiscing the glory days with Micky Dolenz and Danny Bonaduce.

After Pulp, Travolta went on to become the highest paid actor in Hollywood, owner of his own jet, and Oprah's favorite white person.

Now THAT's a comeback.

Other examples might be Jason Bateman (nothing for the twelve years between portraying David Hogan on the mildly successful Valerie and his cult star status on Arrested Development) and Robert Downey Jr. (I swear he died at one point).

But you know who is not a "comeback?"

Britney Spears. And that's because she never went anywhere.

Since Brit burst onto the scene in 1999, she has released six albums (which is infinitely more than Guns N' Roses released in the same time span) which have totalled 85 million in sales. She has won some type of award in seven of the nine years she has been on the scene. She won Grammys, Billboard Music Awards, and VMAs. She has starred in a movie (which while bad, never shows up on all time worst lists... Glitter usually takes its place), had a cameo in a summer blockbuster, won rave reviews for her appearance on How I Met Your Mother, and shown up on COUNTLESS magazine covers and tabloid shows (I literally mean countless) and just two days ago, she was announced to be the most searched person on Yahoo! over the past year (on a side note, there are people who still use Yahoo! as a search engine?!? I haven't used anything but Google for a search since Al Gore invented the internet). Finally, I get my Rolling Stone this month and who is on the cover?!? If you guessed Mandy Moore, you are incorrect.

My point? This ubiquitous "Britney Comeback" I keep hearing about is anything but a comeback.

Because she never left.

Honestly, can you think of a stretch of time where you HAVEN'T seen Britney Spears? I'll ask you these questions right now...

What did her outfit look like when she wore the snake around her neck at the VMAs?
What was on underneath that black suit in her original VMA appearance?
What is her ex-husbands name?
What's the name of the dude she married in Vegas?
What funky haircut did she go with a couple years back?
What happened to her when she interviewed with someone on a "big" TV interview? Who interviewed her?
Has she had issues with her children?
Who did she appear in all white with on stage and what happened during that appearance?

I could ask more, but I know you already know the answers. And why am I asking you all these questions?!? Because in her nine years of famousness (is that even a word?), she has never "disappeared." Ergo, there can NEVER be a Britney Spears comeback because she NEVER LEFT!!! She has been making videos, movies, albums, and appearances galore for her entire existence. While Bateman and Travolta were taking ten years off, Britney was taking ten minutes off.

But yet we keep talking about this comeback! Why?!? There is nothing to come back from! As I said above, her career has spanned all of nine years. From 1999-2003, she was on top of the world with three albums, a high profile relationship with JT, and countless videos and appearances. Even during her darkest days, she was still releasing albums and making videos. "Toxic", "My Prerogative", and "Pieces of Me" were all in heavy rotation on MTV and the airwaves in 2004, 2005, 2007 respectively.

Now granted, she went through some difficult times with the K-Fed years, the Vegas wedding, the head shaving, the custody battles, the lip synching, and the weight gain. But as they say in Hollywood, all publicity is good publicity.

I completely agree with that and so how and when did she ever disappear during these times?!? I mean, her career has spanned nine years! Jason Bateman and John Travolta both fell off the face of the Earth for nine years for crissakes.

I understand we live in a different age where there is complete media saturation and so it is virtually impossible for anyone to disappear, but it can happen. Look at Johnny Depp and Daniel Day-Lewis and Prince. These guys pop up once a year, make a ridiculously awesome movie or record and then sail back into relative obscurity. Britney has never done this and she never will so in no way shape and form can anything related to Britney Spears be called a comeback.

Part of it was that Britney captured lighting in a bottle. There hadn't been a female sensation/icon in years. Madonna held the throne in the 80s and I think that our culture was starving for an iconic woman. During the early to mid nineties, that female superstar was not existent. The two who came closest to holding the mantle of Female Icon were Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson, but neither was OVERLY famous, they didn't cross genres much and both weren't idolized by young women. They were strictly the fascination of men. And so when Britney came along with the absolutely phenomenal pop song that IS "Oops I Did It Again" (don't believe me? Ask Simon Cowell), people were DYING of Female Icon thirst and so they drank up whatever was in front of them. And that person happened to be Britney Spears. It could have been Christina, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, or even Pink, but they all came just a little too late. In the words of my boy Brian, she was the first in, just like iPods were the first in on the digital music scene. Those other girls were all just Zune players and Roxio's trying to break into a market that was monopolized by Britney.

But all of that said, the comeback stuff is just so frustrating, because she isn't coming back. She didn't go anywhere. I'm not sure why all of this bothers me so much (I think it has something to do with the fact that she should absolutely not be a star that people are infatuated with because she is so painfully untalented), but it does. I feel like we have been hearing about a Britney Comeback for five years when in fact, she never had anything to come back from. In reality, I think that everyone just wants another female pop idol and since there isn't one around, everyone wants to hop in Marty McFly's time machine and go back to 1999 when there was a nice, cute yet risque teen queen named Britney Spears fascinating people of all ages.

But as we know, this can't happen so I really, REALLY wish the fascination of Brit would go the same way as the one time fascination of Paul Anka.

Who's that?

Exactly.

Do I Have Issues If I WANT To Be In This Situation?

I've been informed that my comment section wasn't working. It was actually good to hear this because I was noticing I was receiving fewer and fewer comments and I was hoping that it wasn't because my posts sucked. Plus, I thrive on the vitriolic barbs...

Anyways, has anyone seen the stories on CNN and newspapers about piracy?!? Does anyone find this as wild as me? I'm not saying I'm INTO kidnapping on the high seas or pillaging, ransoming, and other forms of terror at sea, but piracy?!? This is real? And more to the point, this is actually the word that we use to describe the overtaking of boats by bandits and robbers who operate in the ocean? We've come up with new fangled words for everything else, but we as a culture have decided to KEEP the words piracy and pirate even though every time we hear said words all we probably think of is "aaaaaargh," peg legs, eye patches, skanky girl Halloween costumes, Johnny Depp doing Keith Richards, parrots on shoulders and maybe Willie Stargell in a "We Are Family" hat? I just don't get this. We haven't transitioned to brigand? Or even Buccaneer? Shouldn't we change the name of this crime to something else just so the general public takes it more seriously? I read the other day that these pirates are well organized, well financed, and heavily armed, but all I picture when I read these stories is a bunch of guys with scurvy on a ship that looks like that swinging ride at Canobie Lake firing cannons at passing vessels.

So, needless to say, I've been sucking up these stories like they were Grey Goose Cosmos. Now, I have HEARD of piracy stories in the past and I saw one in the new Rambo movie, but did you know that last week alone there were nine- NINE!!!- pirate attacks in The Gulf of Aden (don't worry, I had to Wikipedia it too) alone?!? NINE!!! That's as many as Captain Jack Sparrow and The Dread Pirate Roberts would perpetrate in a month! And instead of cruising around solo in wood hulled ships with a skull and cross bones on their sails, they are in fast attack boats which are launched from one "Mother Ship" that apparently is pretty damn big. These pirates are operating on a whole other level! No swords and oversized beards here. These cats are like the Supermen of piracy. And by the way, how does one become a pirate?!? Is there an academy or college or something? Or do you just have to be a generally bad guy with a nose ring and a knack for driving a cigarette boat really, really fast? I obviously feel terribly for all the victims and hostages involved, but you cannot tell me that you wouldn't want to witness this first hand. Imagine crusing through Nantucket Sound on your rich friends boat drinking Coronas, cranking Kid Rock's "All Summer Long," and reeling in the occassional striper when all of a sudden a group of ruffians rolls up in a Crocket and Tubbs speed boat and start waving AK-47s in your face and demanding your money and material goods?!? You'd think it wasn't happening or at the very least, you'd think that one of your friends was somehow famous enough to get you on an episode of Punk'd.

So yesterday, after reading all these stories when I should have been writing an IEP, I chuckled to myself about how life REALLY DOES imitate art. And so that got me to thinking. What would be the ten most outlandish/ridiculous movies that I would actually like to be a part of? Now, even though I would A) Die in ten seconds B) Die in thirty seconds or C) Die when I'm sacrificed by my "friends" for the greater good, let's just pretend that WON'T happen. Let's pretend you get to be part of a whole ridiculous scene like the ones these hostages in these apparently real hijackings at sea are experiencing.

Dying in ten seconds factor aside, here's what I would like to be a part of when it happens, but only if I can be a member of the resitance, become a firearms expert, or die really painlessly. And yes, I actually think about this shit...

10. The Blair Witch Project- Because I would have handled myself so much better than those idiots.

9. Terminator 2: Judgement Day- I don't necessarily need to have a Titanium Bodied, sunglass wearing, Schwarzenegger chasing ME, but I do need to be around when the machines rise up and take over. I just hope I have the foresight to dig a really good nuclear bomb shelter or I won't be a member of John Connor's resistance. That, our move to the north of Maine, which I would not think is a high priority nuclear target.

8. Weird Science (Or Any Movie Where The Huge Nerds Get The Hot Girls)- I know, both from personal experience and from working in a high school, that geeks of the stature of Gary and Wyatt DO NOT GET GIRLS!!! Yes, maybe the kinda hipstery kid who plays the acoustic guitar and has pins of The Ramones and The Stooges on his backpack gets girls. But the kid who picks his nose, already has a beard, and draws pictures of dragons while wearing fingerless leather gloves NEVER gets a girl, let alone a hot girl. He may TALK to a girl, but only about what type of lipstick goes best with his eyeliner.

7. Jaws- Remember when we THOUGHT there was a great white sighting when a half crazed guy said he saw one this summer?!? It was everywhere (likely because everybody secretly- like me- really WANTED this to happen) locally and was even picked up nationally. Now, imagine a bunch of people REALLY go missing off the coast of Wingaersheek and then we see a kid on an inner tube get mashed by a shark 25 feet from shore in a pool of blood?!? Tell me you don't want to be a part of that.

6. Die Hard- Only because I really want to say to the German terrorist right as he was about to shoot me, "Whaddya think I'm fuckin stupid Hans?"

5. Armageddon- Yes, I want to be Bruce Willis not once, but twice!!! But seriously, imagine if news of this hits?!? I think where these movies miss the point is that if they are two hours long, the filmmakers actually make them one hour and fifty-nine minutes too long because there would seriously be a breakdown of society if we knew this was going to happen. Look, it is only because we have laws that this society even exists and so imagine this really was going to happen?!? How do we hold it togther as a culture?!? We run people over who are Yankees fans, so how can we be expected to get along when the world is going to end in a matter of days?!? It just wouldn't happen. But still, it would be fun to see the breakdown. Think I'd live long on a busy street in the Ville?

4. Signs- If you say you've never been at hom with your family and a few friends and HAVEN'T discussed the possible scenario if you being attacked by aliens while simultaneously being cut off from society, then you, sir and madame are a liar. I must say though, Mel, Rory, Joaquin and company were so STUPID for going upstairs that early. I'm NEVER doing that!

3. The Big Lebowski- Because I need to know what it's like to lounge around all day and take baths and drink White Russians. Wait, I think I pretty much do this during February vacation?

2. Cloverfield- I'm sorry, but I just love this movie, mostly because I was so into the thought of a huge monster that fell from the sky massacring a major city. But I just need to see before I die A HUGE MONSTER FALL FROM THE SKY AND MASSACRE A CITY!!! And I feel like I'd have a good chance to live in this situation, but more importantly, I feel like I'd act exactly like some of the kids in this flick and steal stuff from the local Radio Shack while watching a monster tear up Manhattan.

1. Dawn of The Dead/28 Days Later/28 Weeks Later or Any Other Movie Where Zombies Sprint After Me- While Outbreak, 12 Monkeys, and other disease movies are pretty cool, could you imagine having a disease hit where those stricken didn't just drop dead but they got up AND TRIED TO EAT YOU?!? As you're running down the street, you absolutely have to be saying, "This nightmare is really fun and stuff, but it's perfectly okay if I wake up now." I cannot believe how frequently I think about the zombies coming. I'm 90% sure I'll die from a zombie bite way before heart disease or cancer gets me.

This is a true story... Less than one week ago (not when we were 8 or 12 or even 21 and high), my brother and I were sitting on the couch, each surfing the internet on our laptops. What were we looking for? Why guns, thank you. And we weren't looking for them to protect ourselves against burglars or the bookie, we were instead looking to arm ourselves for the potential zombie invasion. Had we had say, nine beers a piece, there's a good chance we would have been driving to New Hampshire to pick up a semi automatic Heckler and Koch MP5 and a 12 Gauge pump action shotgun.

Yes, you are friends with me. And to answer your next question, no, I did not get laid in high school. Shocking, I know.

Could You Shut The Hell Up Please?

Like Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald before me, my writing has been snakebitten by alcohol. Hence, the delay between posts. Maybe this will be my For Who The Bell Tolls or The Great Gatsby.

Anyways, for years, after I was involved in a funny situation or heard a really funny story, I always said, "Man that's awesome! I'm putting that in my book!" After hearing this over and over, my brother eventually started saying, "You can't write a book like that! What's this book going to be about? And what is the title going to be? That will be a terrible book." After hearing this enough, I decided that my more intelligent than me (He passed the bar! Yippee!) brother was right. My book of random vignettes that I felt was really funny was not funny at all. But guess what Mr. Esquire Mike? You're wrong. I can write a book of really funny vignettes. I even have a name for it.

Family Guy.

But it turns out you were right about something Mike. My book tentatively called Family Guy - with a string of jokes that only I found funny- DOES suck. Know how I know? Because they already wrote this book and it's even been made into a television show with the exact same title that I came up with: Family Guy.

Family Guy is awful. In fact, it is one of the two worst shows on television. I do not understand how it has achieved the cult status it has achieved and I do not understand how anyone laughs at it.

I've heard people talk about what a laugh riot it is. Over the years, I've given it a run. Recently, because it now seems like Family Guy is on TV very frequently, I have decided to revisit it in the hopes that maybe my bitter late twenties opinions were wrong. Turns out they weren't. Family Guy is worse than ever.

I mean, I get how a television show makes it without a linear plot and only random stories. Seinfeld did it too perfection and even though I am not a Simpsons superfan, I must admit that it's nonlinear/random plotlines have obviously worked. The show's been going on for twenty plus years. But the reason why they do is because the shows are funny. And original. Family Guy is neither.

The writers of Family Guy seem to think that they can take the same strategy that the U.S. took in Vietnam and carpet bomb the shit out of of viewers. Only instead of using napalm, these writers use jokes. And they apparently didn't learn from the mistakes of the U.S. Military because this stategy sucks. [Sidebar: I have always been fascinated by people who like movies and televsion shows that have "some funny parts." Is there an algebraic equation where x (number of jokes)- y(number of unfunny jokes)+ z (number of funny jokes)= s (number of "wild romp" comments made by critics for the film)? Because if there is, to get four stars s must be less than or equal to 7. People will always apologize for comedies and I never understand this.]

And if we use this algebraic equation for Family Guy, s=-1181 because there are SOOOOOOOOOO many more unfunny jokes on this stupid show than there are funny ones. Yet everyone talks about how "hilarious" this show is. Well it isn't.

Here's what the creators of Family Guy do. They come up with a general story line of the show. Then they put in a bunch of pop culture refernces that cross generations and social groups and trends. There will be a One Tree Hill reference for the high school girls, an 80s television commercial joke for the Gen Xers, a facebook joke for middle schoolers and college kids (yeah, I just lumped them together), a refernece to The Bachelor for the chicks in their mid to late twenties, and a Pulp Fiction joke for the hipsters. Then they will throw in an overly long joke about Bob Hope riding a motorcycle then crashing that I guess is supposed to appeal to dead people.

This is a completely unoriginal tactic and works similar to those parody movies like Epic Movie- which get metacritic scores of 17. There are no original jokes on this show and there is no creative writing. There are no jokes or sayings that will forever be part of our pop culture. There are reused jokes that will be painfully dated in three years. There is nothing worse than unoriginal comedy, but yet that's what America seems to love seeing as where they ignore Flight of The Conchords and make Beverly Hills Chihuahua an 100 million dollar grossing film. The writers think that this crossing and mixing of jokes is genius because they will hit all social groups, and I won't lie, I laughed at the Good Will Hunting quip, but that was one joke out of 200 on an episode? 1 of 100? 1 of 50? 20? 10?

Even if there were five jokes that episode, then that means Family Guy hit on twenty percent of their jokes. Under what circumstance is twenty percent good? Not in approval ratings, not in BMI, not in Botany averages at UMass (I know this first hand), and not in batting average. So why is it acceptable for Family Guy? Why is a show that is only occassionally funny deemed hilarious?

Family Guy hits on twenty percent of jokes and we all call the show brilliant. Why is that? So many of the jokes are missed by viewers because we have no idea what the writers are referencing and even the jokes we do laugh at we eventually stop laughing at because they go on... And on... And on...

I understand and can even feel badly for a writer when a joke goes a bit too far, but Family Guy kills jokes more often than high school kids kill jokes.

Speaking of killed jokes, I also frequently see Curb Your Enthusiasm, which along with Family Guy is the other worst show on television.

Here's what Larry David and company do:

First, they create an uncomfortable situation that many of us may have experienced (or seen George Constanza experience). Then, they make the characters "confront" one another in awkward ways. The one charcter usually means well when s/he begins "calling out" the other, but then problems ensue. the character being "called out" usually starts to get really defensive and the "caller outer" then tries to apologize. The one being "called out" doesn't accept the apology and the "caller outer" in turn gets defensive. Then the two begin yelling. And then they continue yelling. And then yell some more. And when they are done yelling, they yell again. Rinse and repeat.

This is the ONLY formula for this show. And can someone please tell me how this is funny? The only thing less funny then a series of a bunch of jokes that run on for 45 seconds two long is the SAME EXACT JOKE THAT RUNS ON FOR 2 MINUTES AND 45 SECONDS TOO LONG!!!!!

And I'm serious about this too. Sit down some night and flip through the menu on comcast and see if there is an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on. If there is, click to it. If the characters aren't yelling at each other than they will be in a minimum of two minutes.

And yet this show has somehow won Emmy's. Either I know nothing about good comedy or Jewish people yelling at each for several minutes is much funnier than I think it is.

Whatever the case, is there anyone out there who will actually say this show sucks? Because I haven't heard ANYONE criticize this show and before I ever saw it, all I was told was how funny it was. Well it's not.

Curb Your Enthusiasm capitalized on the "uncomfortable comedy era" that seems to be drifting out of style these days, but what makes uncomfortable comedy watchable are the other characters who realize that the characters acting like are idiots are, in fact, idiots (like Elaine on Seinfeld and Jim on The Office). And NOBODY realizes that anyone on Curb is an idiot. And on the odd chance that a charcter is called an idiot, they get defensive and start... YELLING! STOP YELLING LARRY DAVID!!!! COME UP WITH A DIFFERENT JOKE!!!! PLEASE!

But if you are to come up with a new joke, don't make it one about a talking baby because that's unfunny too.

I hate comedy. I really do. Where's Brett and Jemaine when I need them? Because I can't take bad comedy for much longer.

Mr. November

A few more Barack things before moving on to more pressing issues, like reality television...

This is the montage that played right before Barack walked on stage to give his victory speech. I missed it as CNN wasn't live in Chicago at this time, but apparently, a bunch of channels had it. You may recognize the song. All Barack has to do now is wear a UMass sweatshirt and talk about how influential Lando Calrissian was to him and he will officially be the Greatest Human. Thanks to Georgia for passing along this info by thee way...



And then there was this absolutely ridiculous video, which gives me the chills. How is it possible that my all time favorite candidate is somehow linked to my all time favorite- and a somewhat obscure- band?



This interview was amazing...



And all of this made me re-watch this. Still amazing...



And on a lighter note, I know he said he wasn't going to bring in Wu Tang or turn into a terrorist, but I do think he may govern like this...

Barack And Roll

We are not the country I thought we were.

And it makes me proud.

Change is necessary. Change is positive. Change is energizing. Change is amazing.

If we didn't change as a people, women still wouldn't vote, abortion would be illegal, slavery would exist, there wouldn't be three states in a socially conservative country that allow gay marriage, alcohol would be illegal, only landowners would vote, Manny wouldn't play baseball.

But we do change. As a country, as a people, and as individuals.

No one has changed more than I have. Growing up in Burlington and attending a largely white college, I had to be 22 before I had a real conversation with a black person. I used and regularly heard the word n****r. We made up a word at BHS to describe Indians. It wasn't a complimentary one.

But then I entered the real world (i.e. The not solely white, Catholic one) and got a job that was outside the town of Burlington. I met people who went to colleges other than UMass and ate at restaurants other than the Chili's in Burlington. I even met a lesbian. I didn't catch the gayness and she wasn't really good at softball. She was one of the greatest people I have ever met and she became a dear friend. At that same job,I befriended a black woman who said she went to Cambridge College when she really went to Harvard. She just never felt like explaining to people how a poor black person went to Harvard. She was not on welfare and she didn't say "aks" and listen to Tupac. She drank beers (like me), worked really hard (unlike me), and hated Oprah (like me). She was a lot like me, only with a different skin tone and eyes that weren't the same color as mine.

Over the years, I have met Spanish people who work harder than I ever will. I have met women who smoke me in Jeopardy! and then would beat me in a 10K. I have met African Americans who never reference race and make hilarious jokes about Jesse Jackson. I have met an Asian who introduced me to the phrase DWA: Driving while Asian. I have met minorities that fit none of the stereotypes I had in 1990.

And along the way, I have also met white people who are completely color blind. They have become dear friends and they have taught me things I never thought I could learn.

Racism will never be dead in this country, particularly in pockets of Massachusetts. But tonight has shown that we are a country not stuck in the past. With education, information, and unity, we can make change. We are not the writers of 1950s text books that said women should freshen themselves up and have a drink ready for their husband when he comes home. We are not people who stereotype black people as lazy, fried chicken eating, welfare recipients. We are a group of people that cringes when we hear spick, faggot, or n****r. We understand that we are different and are differences are to be honored and embraced, not tolerated. Racism is not dead, but it's on life support and I may yet see a time in my life where it is officially gone. I never believed that, but tonight has shown me that with patience, education, and love, racism can and will end.

John McCain is not a bad man. He refused to reference Reverend Wright and he never once made race an issue. He is old enough to be the grandfather of half of us reading this post. But unlike so many younger than he; so many stuck in the past; so many clinging to archaic thoughts; so many who still dislike those that do not look like them; he has changed. While he may not know how to use the internet, a racist or bigot he is not. As I write this, he is giving a heartfelt, gracious and honest concession speech. And I admire him for that. I wish that so many of those conservatives that voted for him could change like he has. Much can be learned from John McCain and I hope that conservatives can take his great qualities and become the man that he is.

Joe Plummer is not The Real America. We have changed. We are black, white, Spanish, agnostic, atheist, gay, Indian, Muslim, Brazilian, and European. And if you don't like that "Real America," well, in the words of we liberals, you can move to Canada. Or build a time machine. Because the fifties are over. We are no longer biased, conservative, religious, European-hating, bigots. Yes, these haters will still always be in our midsts. I'll fight with them over email tomorrow, no doubt. But then I'll have a beer with them. Hopefully.

Hussein is not an unamerican middle name. People were smart enough to know that the Harvard educated, pull up his boot straps, chain smoking, son of a single parent was not a Muslim. Voters of this country know that the man called Osama by his detractors is not a terrorist or a communist. He is an American. Like all of us.

I'll complain about our country very soon, no doubt. I'll hear faggot and the vein on my head will pop out. I'll see a guy in a Ed Hardy shirt, with a chin strap beard and a blow out and I'll think about moving to the south of France. But for now, I feel good. I feel happy to be an American. I feel that while issues of race will never be eradicated from our culture, we just took a huge step in ending our racial divide.

For those of you who didn't vote for Barack, I hope your immediate rage will subside. You will see he is not a racist or a terrorist. He doesn't hate white people and he won't take your money and hand it out to those who you feel work less diligently than you. And if you can put your anger aside for a minute, think about what your country has just done. We have elected a person who will represent us with honor and dignity. He is smart, thoughtful, smart, honorable, smart, and kind. You will see he is not an angry black man who will lead our country into the ground. As I said months ago, he will not appoint Wu Tang Clan to his cabinet. He is a great man and a great American.

Those who read this know what race issues mean to me. I'm not sure why race relations have become so important to me. Maybe it's my guilt for being a racist in my teens. But maybe it's because I relaized that it is a real problem and one that is based solely in stupidity, because why should we hate those that look different than us? That is what horrible people throughout history have done. That is what stupid people do.

And we are not a stupid country. We have had our dark moments and not everyday of the next four years will be perfect, but today I feel proud. Forty years ago, Barack Obama had to drink out of a different water fountain than I did. Not because he was inferior to me, but because he happened to be born with a skin color that was different than mine.

And tonight, that same country that wouldn't let Barack Hussein Obama drink out of my water fountain just forty years ago, elected him as president.

President of the United States of America.

President of the greatest country on Earth.

And for once, I'm actually not being sarcastic when I say that.

Because You Tell Everyone You Are An A Lister, Doesn't Make You An A Lister

MTV, US Weekly, Entertainment Tonight, and TMZ lead us astray. Why? Because on Saturday night, the person sitting directly across from me looked me dead in the eye and said that Diddy is an A Lister. I had to laugh. I laughed even harder when my combatant said that he was an A Lister because he is "a great business man." I guess that makes Warren Buffet an A Lister too.

Despite how much Diddy himself (and MTV) wants Diddy to happen, he is absolutely not an A Lister. I'll explain later why he isn't. First, let's get to some other people who aren't A Listers

Britney Spears, J-Lo, Rihanna, Lupe Fiasco, Kate Hudson, JJ Abrahms, Tony Soprano, The Pussycat Dolls, Peyton Manning, Megan Fox (she's just my future GF), Shia Labeouf, anyone from Mad Men, Jennifer Aniston, Christina Aguilera, Adam Sandler, Jim Carey, Will Ferrel, Vince Vaughn, Jessica Simpson, Chris Brown, Adrian Grenier, Mario Lopez, Jeremy Piven, Zac Effron, Lil Wayne, Sarah Palin, John Grisham, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Jessica Biel, Maraiah Carey, any reality star, Brooke Burke (so hot though. And like 50 kids!) Kevin Bacon, Charlie Sheen, Mark Ruffalo (note the objectivity), Wayne Gretzky, Manny, all my indie bands, Barry Bonds, Eva Longoria, Tony Parker, Roger Clemens, Nicholas Sparks, Richard Gere, Nick Lachey (and I love him), Spike Lee, Al Pacino, Peyton Manning, anyone in Good Charlotte, LC, Kelly Clarkson, Brody Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Jeff Probst, Simon Cowell, Robert Downey, Jr., or Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.

Because we are celebrity obsessed society (I'm part of this scene by the way, only there are certainly people who read this blog who are way worse than me), we love watching Heidi Montag (not A List) get a Starbucks and Matthew Perry (A List? Please) be a bitch (who knew?).

For the most part, we who take in these tabloid rags know that they are exactly what they are and nothing more. It's funny to see people get really mad at "stars" becoming "stars" who really don't deserve to be "stars" (talk to my brother about the cast of The Hills), but occassionally, these pieces of journalism do give us interesting nuggets (I had no idea that Audrina Partrdige would be in my top 10 girlies and I also had no idea that Arnold no longer looked like he did in Commando).

However, after drinking several martinis and breaking down "The A List" with a fellow celebrity gossip whore, I realized that MTV (God I hate you), US Weekly, ET, and TMZ- while completely addicting- have more than blurred the lines between who is a "celebrity" and who is an honest to goodness, real, true, actual celebrity. Now, as I said in the beginning, most of us KNOW who are celebrities and who are not, but who is actually on The A List? In fact, I thought about this for so long, that it was my sole brainstorm for somewhere between fifteen and nineteen hours.

I started by googling "A List" and Celine Dion came up (please). So did Paris Hilton (we'll get to this) and Jessica Alba (you have to be in a good movie to be on the A List). So obviously google knew nothing. I then turned to various celebrity websites to see who made covers and what stories were happening right now. They were all as worthless as google. So when no one could help me and I thought that everyone was being ridiculous, I did what I do best and decided to get together with some people to make the A List. The committee consisted of me.

I crafted a list of qualifications to be on the A List (this took about six hours) and I decided to go with what most wannabe smart guys end up going with: A sports analogy.

I deemed that to be an A Lister, you have to be a Five Tool Player, like in baseball (hit for avaerage, hit for power, run, throw, and range). But I couldn't have just five tools, so I went with seven. To be an A Lister, I decided that one has to:
1. Be Good
2. Be recognizable, but not a media whore
3. Be rich or command a big salary
4. Dominate an era (a Hall of Fame prerequisite)
5. Not do anything horrifically cheesey just to stay relevant
6. Be Relevant RIGHT NOW
7. Be hot

So here is why Diddy is out.

While he achieved some of the aforementioned, he never did any of them well. At the height of his music fame, there were other rappers better, like Jay Z, Biggie, and Dre. His record company has no one on it (Gorilla Zoe? What?), no one watches his MTV show, his movie splash was a made for TV movie stolen from a junior high summer reading list, and although Danity Kane has experienced minor success, they have already imploded because Diddy had to fire those that were becoming bigger than him. The fact that Diddy is loud and MTV loves him does not make him successful. Right now, his biggest success is his clothing line. He's a lesser version of Ralph Lauren and is Ralph Lauren an A Lister? Please. I think I win on this one Ming, but you can still cook better than me. ;)

Others who are out and why:

Rihanna hasn't done it long enough, Jessica Simpson has a bad shoe line and dates Tony Romo, not enough people watch Adrian Grenier in Entourage, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, and J-Lo were once there but have done nothing lately, Lindsay Lohan is a joke, Jessica Biel has never been in a good movie, and Peyton Manning isn't good looking enough.

Paris Hilton is the prime example of what an A Lister IS NOT. She is not good, relevant, and everything she does is for attention. She is both a media whore AND someone who does cheesey things for attention. While people WANT to make her an A Lister, the people in the know realize she is not. She does nothing well and she is not in demand. At all. If she's an A Lister, then so is Paul Anka.

And where can an A Lister come from? Well, that's part of what makes an A Lister an A Lister... They transcend genres. An A Lister can be from ANY part of the celebrity world and these people will always be evaluated on a case by case basis because A Listers tend to be from the Silver Screen. That's where the money and fame are. So, if an athlete or TV Star is REALLY good and recognizable, but maybe not as rich as a Hollywood actor, then s/he can make the A List (if I were doing an 1987 A List, Bill Cosby and Michael J. Fox are on it no doubt). Make sense? Well too bad... Because it does to me.

Now more on the qualifications...

In fantasy baseball, a player who hits for overwhlemingly big power, but doesn't steal bases, will still go for big money because his power can compensate. That is why there has to be An A List Hall of Fame, because some people are not relevant RIGHT NOW because they might not have a movie out or might be in semi retirement, but they will still always be part of the A List because of what they have accomplished. Here is a partial list of The A List Hall of Fame (must be living or this could go on all day):

Tom Cruise, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Spielberg, Bono, David Letterman, Jay Z, Martin Scorcese (see how objective I can be?), Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, Martha Stewart, Bill Clinton, Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Sting, George Lucas, Robert De Niro, Harrison Ford, Shaq, Sean Connery, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts (admitting that hurts), Bill Gates, Stephen King, Snoop, and Mark Hammill (joke).

There are probably a few more you can nominate, but since I am the judge and I came up with the scoring system, then I get last say. Now on to the difficult part: Who are current A Listers?

The A List is forever changing, but it gets thrown around too easily. To use another analogy, I envision the A List being like colleges. The best are the best are the best. We can argue and have personal hatreds (Duke? Notre Dame?), but no matter how much you might hate Harvard kids, you still know that Harvard is better than UMass. End of story. No matter how happy you are that you're a BC alum, BC is not Harvard just like Ben Affleck is not George Clooney. So while your BC diploma is certainly better than Bridgewater State (say, Tom Berenger?) and FSU (Christian Slater?), your Affleck Equitable Diploma is certainly no Cal Tech (Angie?).

And so how many cream of the crop colleges are there out there? Twelve? Fifteen? Twenty five, max. It's not more than that and so the A List cannot be more than twenty five at any given time. If one person makes it on, then another is off. 25 seem too few? Well, that's what the A List is. Do all students get all As? Nope, but they are all STUDENTS just like all celebrities are, to some extent celebrities. And like there are A Students, there are also A Listers.

So here's the A List (in no particular order). There were lots of close calls (Beyonce, Ben Stiller, Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon, Affleck, Kobe, Quentin Tarantino, Christian Bale) but this is the list. It is static and cannot be argued. If you don't like it, you are quite simply hating.

1. George Clooney (President, Chairman, and CEO)
2. Brad Pitt
3. Johnny Depp
4. Oprah (Hot she ain't, but she crushes everything else)
5. Will Smith
6. Tom Brady (Fuck!)
7. Gisele (Makes me hate number 12 even more!)
8. Angie
9. Kanye West
10. Matt Damon
11. Barack
12. Chris Martin
13. Steve Carrel
14. Madonna
15. JK Rowling
16. A-Rod
17. JT
18. Tina Fey
19. Leo
20. Ryan Seacrest
21. Becks
22. Judd Apatow
23. Jon Stewart
24. Denzel
25. Matt Berninger

Let me know if I missed any. I'll be happy to explain why your binkie is absolutely not an A Lister...

The 12 Best Teams Ever (You Know Where This Is Going)

Sorry about the delay between posts... I've been busy explaining to my conservative friends that it was the Saudis, not the Pakistanis who paid Barack Obama's college tuition...

Well, the Red Sox season ended with a whimper on Sunday night and while I refused to watch the Rays post game celebration because of my irritation, I was quickly over the loss. And thanks to a fantastic episode from Vinny Chase and the Boys, I was laughing mere minutes later.

Why didn't I take this loss that badly? Well, for starters, they just won two World Series titles, so the loss wasn't near as heart wrenching. But more importantly, I just didn't like this team that much. Obviously, trading Manny didn't help, but I wasn't feeling the team even before then. As many of you know, I root for INDIVIDUAL athletes and not teams so much. So even though this team was a group of gritty guys who played well together, they didn't do much for me. I like Lester, Paps (strangely), JD (because I like to be a non-conformist), Dice-K, and Coco (I wonder why). But the new young guys (Lowrie, Ellsbury, Masterson, Pedroia, YOOOOOOOOOK!) don't do much for me, mostly because they are too white or too religious or just too overrated. And then this team had Tek, Timlin, Wake, Ortiz, and Mr. 38 Pitches. These guys all fall on the likeability scale somewhere between Sean Hannity and Zach Braff. So needless to say, they are not my favorites and already, I am thinking about the Celtics and hoping that Peavy and Teixeira come aboard (and maybe we can bring in Jimmy Rollins or Carl Crawford to increase the coolness factor around here) Team Theo.

And you know what else all this indifference has got me thinking about? Why, my favorite all time teams of course.

As Bill Simmons recently wrote, being a sports fan seems to wane as you age. You discover other interests or maybe actually have REAL concerns like a family, home, or job. But there will always be those teams you loved. Sometimes, it's about time and place. I look back and think that I was SUPPOSED to be at the height of my sports fandom in my pre-teen and teen years, but I have weirdly liked teams in my adulthood. Probably more than I should have, given that it IS only sports. But I like eight things and so when I do like something, I like it a lot. That, or I have no more Star Wars films to look forward to, so other than indie rock bands and Brad Pitt films, I have nothing left to like in my Grinch like world except for sports teams.

So, without further ado, here are the best 12 teams of all time.

12. 1989-90 Boston Bruins: Damn you Glen Wesley! I haven't watched more than thirteen hours of NHL hockey since then and I'm not sure if the Minnesota Northstars are still in the league or not, but damn did I like this team. Watching these Bruins gave me and my high school friends something to do other than watch me call Ginger and ask her to the Junior Prom. But they were also really likable. Unfotunately, they ran into an Edmonton Oiler team that was the antithesis of the Bruins and played a lot like the Italian National Soccer team. The series went bad right away when Fire Box Glen Wesley missed a wide open net in double(?) OT of game 1. The Bruins could never bounce back. Strangely though, mentioning that goal gave me some of the most credibility ever one night. I was hanging out with a bunch of manly men whom I had only just met and they were clearly sizing up my ambiguously gay outfit and plotting ways to shove me in a trash barrel all while they discussed hockey. I dropped my disdain for Mr. Wesley and his poor backhander during a lull in the conversation and I was instantly accepted into the group. I quickly got up and left Constanza style and was remembered fondly forever (I hope) by these pick up truck driving, Bud guzzling, MEN. So fuck you Fire Box. But Thanks too.

11. 1989 San Francisco 49ers: Yes, there was a time I liked football. There was also a time I liked white dudes. And can you get any whiter than Joe Montana? I really liked this skinny white guy who threw only ducks. Thankfully, he had Jerry Rice to catch said birds. This is definitely what is missing in football today... Awesome offensive teams that can run AND pass (these teams may exist now, but I don't know who they are). And with the stupid Patriots going 18-1 last year, Montana remains the sole QB with a perfect super bowl record of 4-0.

10. 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls: These were some lean times in Boston. The Belichick era hadn't begun. The Duke will still signing horrible players in the hopes that they replaced Mo Vaughn's OBP. The Bruins were... The Bruins. Even my Minutemen were down. And so I needed somebody to love. Like a rebound chcik, I needed a rebound team after some great years in the mid 90s. And these Bulls were the perfect team to latch onto and use for a bit. It wasn't their best season ever, but man did I love MJ at that point. As I said at the outset, I loved individual players. And was there a better individual player ever than MJ? No. I only wish this team moved 1500 miles east and was called the 1997-1998 Boston Celtics.

9. Team Pete Sampras: Yeah, I know he's not a team. But I love individuals. And I know he is the anti-Gerard: Nice, low key, says all the right things. But I love him. And as Wall pointed out once, it is kind of the reason I root against Federer (who I love) as I don't want Sampras' records broken. And watching that U.S. Open Final run in '02 was incredible. I just kept waiting for him to lose and he never did. Plus, there was that U.S. Open in 1996 when he vomited off to the side of the court and then beat Alex Corretja, down two sets to one (I was watching this at the Greenhouse in Billerica). I vomit and have to lay down for four days. This guy beats someone in tennis 90 minutes after tossing.

8. My Sega NHL '95 Team: 10 Hitching Post realized that in this new version of NHL, you could make teams. So we created a draft, complete with a draft board and everything. My team was led by Roenick and I battled Hayes' Bure for thescoring title all year. It was pathetic. I would be on a breakaway with Fleury and wait to dish to Roenick, just to get him goals. It was like that game where the Spurs just fed The Admiral so they could get him the scoring title. Only I did that every game. Anyways, there was some controversy between the pipes (CuJo had the better ranking, but an up and coming Martin Brodeur was better) for team Gerard, but I rode Brodeur to a Stanley Cup victory as Hayes was stunned in the semifinals. Sometimes when I can't sleep, it's because I'm thinking of ways to feed Roenick a one timer, sort of like some of you see the Tetris shapes after you've been playing too long.

7. The 1996 New England Patriots: Yes, Parcells was the man as was that girl Terry Glenn, but it was the presence of one guy that made me love this team. In a apro pos sense of karma, it was the lack of that very same guy that made me hate all things NFL.

Let me pause for a brief explanation of omissions...

I didn't like the NBA in 1986, thus I know nothing about the Celtics. Other than the stories I've been told, I have not one iota of firsthand knowledge as to why they were good... 2006 Minutmen (football), 2007 Minutemen (hockey), 2007 Minutemen (soccer). All could have been number two on the list, but eh... Never mind... In a bit of foreshadowing, let's just say it's like putting two songs by the same band back to back on a mix tape... 1986 Sox. Loved baseball more than anything, but at that time, I liked the Royals better and their 1985 team was much harder to cut from the list than these '86 Sox. Seriously...

6. The 1999 Red Sox: In case you have forgotten how much you loved this team, please remember these words (and digits): Cleveland. 1999. Game 5. Pedro. Out of the bullpen. I may have actually liked this team more than the one that shows up later as I was a bigger Sox fan then and they hadn't been tainted by The Pink Hats and people who say, "The Sox are losing four to seven," but for reasons that need no explanation, this is my second favorite Sox team. Still can't get those feelings straight for this team? Then remember these additional words (and digits) please: Bullpen door opens. Pedro walks out. Can't throw 90. Six. No. Hit. Innings.

5. Team Tiger: Have you watched golf since the U.S. Open? Didn't think so.

4. 2008 U.S. Olympic Mens Basketball Team: I think you've read a post or two about these guys. I'm 34, poor, my beard is going gray, and for fun, I write this fucking thing. I get excited for gingerbread lattes and new T Mobile commercials. And I haven't enjoyed something as much as I enjoyed that team since I discovered four dollars in my sweatshirt pocket when I was broke and all I wanted was a DP Dough that cost... Four dollars. Plus, people hated on this team. I still would love to know what the ratings were for that final game at 2:30 Sunday morning. They probably didn't register. But I was on the couch, Pabst in hand, supporting my boys.

3. 2007-2008 Boston Celtics: It took me awhile to get on board with the Cees, but I did during the Antoine Walker era. And the Travis Ford era. And the Ricky Davis era. And the Gerald Green era. Let's say the payoff was worth it. There roster of completely awesome dudes sans a single European stiff makes them all the more awesome. And here we are, seven days before the team raises Banner #17 and I still feel like people don't like this team as much as they should. Which is fine... All the more for me. Oh and by the way, they stayed European free.

2. The 2004 Boston Red Sox: I can't believe the ups and downs this team caused me. I felt like Diane Lane on the train in Unfaithful on a nightly basis. I laughed, I cried, I ripped a shirt (seriously), I vowed never to watch them again, then I was Super Fan Number 99. Look back on this team in 25 years and they will be remebered like the 1980 U.S. Olympic Team. The Sox will trot out Bill Mueller for the 25th anniversary and Dave Roberts will have section of the New Fenway named for him. I bet the even resurrect Nelson, that midget friend of Pedro's. It was the perfect team for the perfect championship; a mix of gritty workers for the Massholes, movie stars for the Pink Hats, goons for the goons, and prima donnas for the Gerard's. Varitek shoved his glove in Stray Rod's face, my boy Theo sent Nomar packing, Ortiz walked off to beat the Angels, the Sox got crushed, Millar walked, Roberts stole second, Mueller beat Mo again, Ortiz walked off a few more times, there was a bloody sock, D-Lowe redeemed himself, Mientkiewicz put the ball in his pocket, and Manny won World Series MVP. Then Pedro got hit in the head by a ball at the parade. Perfect.

1. The 1995-1996 University of Massachusetts Minutemen: I recently read that there are only 240,000 UMass grads in the world. That means this team is shared by less than .001% of the population. I don't have to share this team with all of Red Sox Nation in New Hampshire or all of the Joe the Plumbers who rooted for the 1996 Patriots. They are all mine. Well, me and 239,999 other UMass fuckheads. But they were still MINE and I loved them. I loved the Calipari U, I loved the missing link Inus Norville, and I loved seeing them on TV every game they played. I loved that they beat Kentucky and Georgetown and Temple thrice. I loved that we used to see Marcus uptown. I loved that he accepted jewelry and that the NCAA claims there was only three teams in the Final Four this year. I loved that on the same day of our massive Final Four party, Shaun-O and I drafted a league winning fantasy baseball team (and drove to the draft with the T-Tops off on his IROC). I loved that Calhoun and his pussy Huskies were too afraid to play we Minutmen. I loved that my stupid college was a national story for awhile and it made me forget my BC Inferiority Complex. But I mostly loved (still love) all the memories that team brought me. And although there are a thousand other things that have become or will become more important to me than sports, for a few months of my senior year in college, sports were everything. I'll never love a team like this, but I'll always try not to hate on people who love a team so passionately because maybe, just maybe (but I doubt it), said fan loves their team as much as I loved mine.