The Most Gratuitous Show On Television

Well looky here! Two posts in less than 24 hours! I'm in the zone!

Anyways, I've always wanted to do a running diary of something and write as it happens. I've thought about doing the Academy Awards, but I like that too much and just want to pay attention to it. I've also thought about doing a movie and just pointing out all the awesomeness in every scene. But you people would make it through nine lines of that. And so as I was flipping through the channels, I stumbled across a show on CBS at 10:00pm last night. I was mad at myself for forgetting it was on. I was even madder that my computer wasn't near me. But anyways, here it is. Th First Annual Running Diary of The Victoria Secret Fashion Show, which is better known as the show that makes men and women alike want to slice fat off of their love handles as they watch. I think I've watched this show before and I think it's bad. But that should make it all the more fun. And sorry this isn't out until the day after. My editor wanted to look it over. So, without further ado...

10:00: Hey look! A washed up former VS model is hosting. Heidi Klum. This thing has a host?
10:01: Look at these credits?!? This cast rivals True Romance.
10:01: Whoa... Hey... Who is Miranda Kerr?!? Aside from a girl who will never like me...
10:02: Is that Usher as a musical guest?!? Oh God... This show is going to have every B List star alive. I guarantee Diddy is in the house...
10:03: Giant wings... Very practical... I haven't met girls who wear those...
10:04: Please read five lines above and note the time... I swear to God this is happening in real time, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Diddy. Next to Martha Stewart I think.
10:04: Here's my first in a series of Marisa Miller questions and it's for the ladies: Do you guys hate on her like you hate on every other woman or do you take my Brad/George/Becks/Leo stance and just admit how ridiculously awesome she is?
10:05: And a Paris Hilton shot... I swear to God I did not see this before my opening remarks... You people know State Capitals, dangling participles, and math formulas. I know me B List.
10:06: I like that Usher is singing a very current and timely song...
10:07: Two things confirmed... One, I am more prescient than Nostradamus... Two, that is Diddy... Two seats over from K Mart's own Martha Stewart. How did I lose so much betting on football games back in college with this ESP I have?
10:07: Duhammel... The B List continues..
10:11: Can you imagine a worse room to be in if you are a softball catcher than this giant "hair and makeup room?" And there is no way, absolutely NO WAY these girls like each other. It's not humanly possible. I'd love to have a hidden camera and listen to Alessandra talk about how she saw Adrianna eating a piece of celery with PEANUT BUTTER earlier in the day and how fat she looks because of it.
10:13: Hey, look. A guy with bongos who no one has ever heard of.
10:14: Next Marisa Miller question: If you were her high school boyfriend, how exactly, are you functioning sexually these days? That 33 year old mother of three sitting next to you on the couch can't be getting it done, can it? And when you tell your college buddies that you used to hit that, do they laugh so hard that they can't breath or do they just look at you for a few seconds and go back to their beers?
10:18: Was that Jeff Gordon and his Judd wife?
10:18: The big guns continue to roll out... Brett Ratner... Director of Rush Hour 2!
10:19: No way that doughnut Marisa is eating is real. It was digitally inserted in. Really, she was eating a paper towel.

10:24: The Killers! Nice! You know my sex drive is waning when the highlight of the night is a song by an all male band.
10:26: Shot of Lenny Kravitz as Adrianna Lima walks out... As many of you likely know, they used to date. For a while. And she says she is a virgin. Lenny walks down the street and lays women just by looking at them. There is no way that Adrianna spent time with Lenny and didn't get defiled.
10:27: There's Diddy. Applauding a model in Granny Panties. Man, he's lost his way.
10:28: Marisa question #3... Are they real?
10:28: My future ex-wife has a cut on the back of her foot. I know a guy who can fix that.... Trainer Steve Mirasolo!!!
10:29: The VS girls are talking about bad pick up lines. There are guys that actually talk to these women without dry heaving from nervousness?
10:29: Just what I want to see on the VS fashion show... Girls in one piece bathing suits dancing that are not VICTORIA SECRET MODELS!!!!! I paid to see U2! Not a U2 cover band!!!
10:30: That's nice. They invited a burn victim to the show... Oh wait, that's just Seal.
10:32: I guarantee these women survive on a 175 calorie a day diet.
10:33: Another thing I don't want to see at the VS Fashion Show. Women in winter clothing. If I wanted to see that, I'd walk down Comm Ave on a Friday night in January. More skin please!
10:37: Hey, a commercial for Mt. Auburn Hospital! The very place I was born! And many years later, the very same place I'd have my first rectal exam!
10:38: Nice! Usher's back! CBS definitely wants to make this the Victoria Secret Fashion Show circa 2005. At least they'd have Gisele there, thus insuring them at least one A Lister.
10:41: Speaking of Usher, in my mid-twenties, when I really wanted to know how to dance better, I taped the Usher "U Remind Me" video and I would watch it over and over, attempting to learn his moves. True story.
10:42: THAT'S the President Of Victoria's Secret? I don't think she started as a model.
10:43: God this show is awful, but wait... Is that..? Bloc Party! "Banquet!" Yes! Holy shit! I'm so happy now! But wait. My two favorite parts of this show are all male bands, one of whom is fronted by a gay man. Do I officially need to sort some things out?
10:46: Marisa question #4: If you are currently dating her and you have the "what should we do for dinner tonight?" conversation for the umpteenth time, are you annoyed with her or do you roll with it because she's... You know... Marisa Miller?
10:47: My brother just walked in and said these two things: "Marisa Miller is kind of a butterface" and "some of these girls asses aren't that good." True story. Between his penchant for neatness and comments like these, I sometimes wonder if he was adopted.
10:47: Out strolls Adrianna Lima. She just walked by Lenny and he dropped his seed in her. Again.
10:48: They have my future ex-wife in the evenings worst outfit. And the more I look at her, the more I'm beginning to think she's 18.
10:49: Commercial time. Three things: This show has more commercials than Oprah. I haven't watched something this disappointingly bad since the second Matrix. What the hell are all these TV shows that CBS is advertising?

10:50: WBZ News says Whitey is turning himself in. No way The Brother of The Former President of The University of Massachusetts is turning himself in. He's enjoying Venezuela too much.
10:52: Here comes the big finale. The only way this show is going to rally is if Marisa's silicon tit falls out or we see Adrianna Lima come out nine months pregnant from Kravitz's super sperm.
10:55: Final Marisa Miller question: If you're having drinks at Maryanne's and there is a table of hot, skankily dressed BC girls talking about how good looking you are and you happen to overhear them, do you chat them up on the way to the bathroom?
10:55: Who do you think these models are pointing to when they gesture to someone in the audience? Their mothers and fathers for giving them these genes? Their plastic surgeon? Their agent? Boyfriend? Kravitz?
10:57: Safety pin located! Crisis averted! These girls have a tough job. This morning on FNX, they were talking about recession proof jobs. Is Victoria's Secret Model recession proof?
10:58: Here comes the big finale... The models come out... They bow... They look thin and hot... They run back stage and talk about the after party (which will be full of White Russians made with heavy cream and meatloaf sandwiches I'm sure)... My 18 year old future ex-wife thanks me for watching... And over...
10:59: Can I have the last hour of my life back?