Who Knew This Guy Would Change My Life?

I remember it all very clearly. It was the fall of 1997 and the bar scene in Amherst was drastically different than I had remembered. Here I was, standing in the same bar I had been standing in just 17 months before, surrounded by the same seven knuckleheads I had been surrounded by for four years. We were even doing the same thing. Standing in a corner, not socializing, each holding a six dollar pitcher. Then it dawned on me what was different. All of the girls were wearing the same thing. They all had on the same ridiclously hot/totally-inappropriate-outside-of-an-aerobics-class-black-pants. And those black pants changed everything for me.

For anyone reading this who graduated college/was on the bar scene pre 1997, sit back and try to remember what women wore out. Can you? Because I can't. I think they wore big wool sweaters, overalls (don't deny it ladies! they made a brief comeback there in the mid to late nineties), dock martins, high waisted jeans, and skorts. But I'm not sure. They could have been wearing snow suits. All I can remember now is that every woman was dressed in form fitting black pants that were basically slightly classier versions of spandex. I even remember the names of the pants. The were called Ponte Pants and they could be purchased in a variety of colors from express. And paired with black boots and a shimmery top, those pants turned every girl into a midlevel South Beach Club Goer (well, at UMass, it was probably less than mid level).

And then, I started to notice said Ponte Pants everywhere (of course, had I NOT been going to the Green House in Billerica in the fall of '96, I might have discovered these pants earlier) and it forever changed the bar scene. To this day, I do not think that the young bar/club going men and women of The United States understand the importance of these pants. I'm telling you people, they altered everything. The Ponte Pant then paved the way for the Ponte Skirt, Ponte Tube Top/Half Shirt,and Ponte Booty Shorts. Eventually, women needed a new fashion option, so they turned to designer jeans, which in their cut and clinginess, are basically the same thing as the Ponte Pant, only cut from denim. So, the next time you see a hot/skankily dressed woman, thank the Ponte Pant because it changed mens lives. Well, at least it changed mine.

Why do I bring this up? Because this month's GQ had a phenomenal article about the 27 things that changed mens lives. Shockingly, it did not include the Ponte Pant, but it did include some tremendous selections like Nintento, thong underwear, the remote control, and the yellow first and ten line (I'd give you a link to the complete list, but it's not online so go buy the mag). However, GQ missed a few massive male altering inventions/things/stuff. And I am here to include a few more things that changed mens lives. Truth be told, the following 18 items probably changed no ones lives. But they changed mine and I'm a male, right? Well, barely. Anyways, here are the 18 things that changed MY (kinda male) life:

1. Flip Flops- See that guy walking down the street with his khaki shorts, white socks, and Nike Shox? He looks ridiculous doesn't he? Well, until flip flops came along, this was my only option with shorts. That, or a ridiculous looking pair of sandals with an uncomfortable buckle that always cut your ankle. Then flip flops came along and made me look normal. Well, semi-normal at least. Because shorts are not ever going to be my look.

2. Road House- This movie came out in 1989. I was 15. This is the age when the male libido runs the fastest. It runs a sub four minute mile. This movie had the most gratutious sex/boob (cause that's the word I used when I was 15- there might have even been an "ies" on the end) shots ever while also having the greatest dirty talk I had yet heard (you gonna be my regular Saturday night thing?). Further, it had a 5'6" Swayze ripping out throats (which I bet is kinda hard), a dude encouraging his girlfriend to table dance, and the idea that if you have a Philosophy degree, you can be a bouncer.

3. Swingers/Entourage/Pulp Fiction/Seinfeld/Da Ali G Show/Chapelle's Show- Without these shows, there is a good chance that I would have never made a person laugh. Ever. They laugh even harder when they don't know I stole one of my "funny" lines from one of the aforementioned. And no, I don't tell them what it's from.

4. Flavored Vodka- I hate whiskey, bourbon, and gin. It is bad enough that my favorite beers are either fruit flavored or contain fruit, so if it were not for flavored vodka, I would drink no hard alcohol. I can always pour some Rasperry Stoli into a glass with sprite and say I'm drinking a vodka tonic. And I've always wanted to be like Bond and say how I like my martini, but since I hate gin, I could never do that. Now that they make "vodka martinis," I can finally do that. Of course, said martinis are still pink.

5a. That Episode of "True Life, I'm from The Jersey Shore"
5b. That Other Episode "True Life: I Have Calf Implants"- Because even though I drink pink drinks, think Road House is the best soft core porn ever, and steal all my lines from movies and TV I am, at the least, not these guys.

6. Jason Priestley/Luke Perry/Brady Anderson- If it were not for them, sideburns would be considered ridiculous. And now, thanks to them, I too can look just like a C List TV/Baseball Star.

7. The Gym Spotter- I always like when a dude asks me to spot him because it makes me feel very manly for a few minutes. I can help a dude lift a bunch of weight, then compliment him on his set, and give him an awkward handshake/half hug. And all the while, my crotch region is placed eerily close to said lifters head and no one thinks that is weird because you are at the gym.

8. Sports Movie- I cry at movies all the time. Before Sunset, You Can Count On Me, Billy Elliot, Big (it gets me when he turns back to the girl at the end), Good Will Hunting, and Home Alone (don't even ask). They all get me. And invariably, some one of my truly manly men friends will make fun of me for crying at a movie. Then I can point out to these friends that they cried at Seabiscuit or Chariots of Fire or Rocky or Remember The Titans or Million Dollar Baby and they will have to be quiet. Thanks sports movie genre.

9. cbssportsline.com- I used to run fantasy football leagues and I had to do all the math by hand. I won it one year and was accused of cheating. Then, cbssportsline.com was invented and I won three leagues without having to prove that I didn't cheat, thus proving that I was a fantasy genius. Despite the fact that I drink pink drinks.

10. The Fact That The Goo Goo Dolls Were First Played On FNX- I admit it. I like the Goo Goo Dolls. And I am frequently ragged on for this. Fortunately, their album that sold about 71 copies (Superstar Car Wash for those of you scoring at home) was played in the summer of 1992 on 101.7 FM, the True Alternative. True Story (thanks again Ari).

11. Zagat- If it were not for this $12.95 guide that has 6 line reviews of places to eat, I would not be near the poseur/pretentious restaurant snob that I currently am.

12. Boxer Shorts- Here is one I am confident that I am not alone on. But I remember having to change for gym (I mean PE on the odd chance, LD, Mirasolo, The Fogarty's or Adam is reading this) and feeling ridiculous because I was wearing tightie whities. Boxers at least made me look like I was wearing a pair of shorts as opposed to smuggling plums in my Hanes.

13. Hugh Grant- When I am hanging out with my two sisters and I say that someone is hot, one of the two of them will always point out that the girl in question is "gross." They have called Denise Richards gross because of her eyebrows and the girl from DVD on TV gross because she is cheesey. However, I can always defend myself by saying, "Hey, Hugh Grant found Divine Brown attractive enough to pitch Elizabeth Hurley for a few minutes, so at least my taste isn't as bad as Hugh Grant's." Of course, they would probably find something wrong with Elizabeth Hurley.

14. Zombies- Zombies have given me the outside hope that I will not die like some ordinary average person. I will not fall victim to heart disease, cancer, or an automobile accident. With Zombies, I can still have the hopes of dying bravely as I fight along side Ving Rhames, Cillian Murphy, and Sarah Polley. Course, with this scenario, there is also the outside chance that I would die about 9 seconds after the zombie outbreak and I'd be walking around looking to eat peoples brains. And given the fact that the few times I shot a gun I couldn't hit anything, combined with my lack of speed, and my inability to thrive in pressure situations, I'm guessing that the second scenario would be the likely outcome.

15. Flat Front Pants- Bill Parcells and his ball fat showed me long ago that ball fat is not a good thing. So why then, would I wear a pair of pants (pleated) that makes me look like I have ball fat, when in fact, I do not need to look like I have ball fat? And men, I'm not the only one that can learn from this. Ask the ladies.

16. Commando- This movie hasn't done much for me now, but it certainly changed my life when I was 11. Take the hopes it gave me: It gave me hope that I could one day pick up a phone booth with a man in it. It gave me the hope that I would one day see a shootout in a mall. It gave me hope that I would break into a Costco with a bulldozer, find a secret backroom loaded with awesome guns, and use those guns to save my daughter from a guy dressed in chain mail. It gave me hope that I would one day use saw blades as throwing stars. It gave me hope that I could crash into a telephone pole, sans seatbelt, at 75 miles an hour, in a Fiero, and still live. Finally, it gave me the word pissant.

17. Burritos- This is a food that decided sour cream and refried beans should be condiments. Sour cream! A condiment! It's not just for dips anymore people! And when a food is pretty much the base of your food chain and you look forward to eating one more than you look forward to vacations, then it should probably be on a list of things that changed your life.

18. The Internet- Given what you are currently doing right now, do I even need to explain the importance of this one in my life?