Aren't You Glad You Live In Mass?

This whole Jena 6 thing really got me thinking about the South. Again.

If you haven't heard about the Jena 6 controversy, cruise on over to cnn.com and check it out. Let me just say this: There are still people that- in the year 2007- tie nooses to their cars to show their hatred of black people. Listen up those of you south of the Mason Dixon line: Haven't you received the memo that it is time to hate the illegals these days? I thought the days of hating African Americans were over. After all Southerners, racism is so..... 1960.

So like I said, it got me to thinking. Really, what has the South given us? Ever? Is there a need to go south? Have you ever said to your buddies, "Dude, next bachelor party, we should TOTALLY go to Birmingham!" Or have you ever heard a woman say, "I so want a take a shopping trip to Jackson, Mississipi."

The South has contributed nothing to me in my lifetime. And I mean ever. This is no Gerard-Hyperbole (can I- in all my narcissism- make a word out of that? Gerbole maybe?). Seriously. Think about it.

Has a fashion trend ever come out of the south? How about grunge? Where did that come from? Nintendo did not come from Jacksonville. I mean even there food is slightly overrated. Fried chicken is just really slabs of chicken cooked in a vat of crisco. And look at their desserts. Sweet Potato Pie? C'Mon. A vegetable is not a dessert (ask Turner what he thinks of this). If there were a dessert fantasy draft, sweet potato pie might be a waiver wire pick up if your third round choice of chocolate trifle goes out with a torn acl. Sweet potato pie would get selected behing the likes of biscotti and merengue cookies. Can you recall being at a holiday party and choosing the sweet potato pie over the chocolate cheesecake? I didn't think so.

I understand, there are a few good things from the south. Brad Pitt and the Clintons. But they quickly realized that they were too smart/talented/good for the souh so they abandoned the south as quickly as Billy Zane ditched Kate Winslet on the Titanic. Do you ever look at Pitt and think South? You women might think, "I hate him for dumping Jen to be with a hotter/more talented girl," but still, you don't think Confederate Flag.

But for the most part, the south sucks. And you know it. But some things that the south have given us are far more wretched than others. So I decided to compile a list of the 20 worst things the south has ever given (or not given) us. They go in descending order of wretchedness.

20. Achy Breaky Heart- This needs absolutely no elaboration.

19. Trent Lott- You could put many a politician here (Newt Gingrich comes to mind), but I figured the I'd go with the guy with ties to a white supremacist group.

18. Chain Restaurants- Seriously, have you eaten at an Applebees lately? More importantly, have you ever seen the Applebees commercial where they keep it open after the football team loses its "big game?" You'll be happy to know that the Applebees down the street from you- you know, the one with the 35 hour wait on Fridays- first opened in Georgia.

17. Lynard Skynard- Quick, name one band from the south with a single good song? Pearl Jam? No wait. That's Seattle. Beatles? Run to the edge of the atlantic and swim 3000 miles east. Guns N' Roses? LA my friends. See. Can't name one. Not even you can Wall. It doesn't have to be Lynard Skynard. It can be anybody. But they are the quintessence of southern rock, which isn't good by the way.

16. The Tomahawk Chop- Ask Native Americans what they think of this. Actually, ask anyone with a sliver of dignity and understanding of the word "stereotype" what they think of this.

15. The Dukes of Hazzard- There was a car called the General Lee (the leader of an army that supported the enslaving, buying, and selling of members of the human race) that drove around with a confederate flag emblazoned on the side. And no one thought any thing of this.

14. John Grisham Books- Remember when you heard all the buzz about The Firm and you read it because every single person on the beach/airplane was reading it? And then you finished it and you said, "Ah, that wasn't that bad." Then do you remember how he went on to release nine more versions of The Firm which went on to sell millions of copies to American readers even though they really suck? You know how stupid American readers don't read anything unless they are..... John Grisham books? Well, guess where that no talent hack is from? Arkansas kids, Arkansas. John Grisham books are a good segue to number.....

13. Matthew McConaugheys acting in A Time To Kill- Actually, let's just level that down o Matthew McConaugheys acting. Easier still would be to just cut it down to Matthew McConaughey. Other than showing up on the "They're just like us" page of InTouch Weekly playing a shirtless game of risbee, what has this guy ever done?

12. Gun Racks- In the words of my boy Wayne, "I don't own a gun, let alone many guns....."

11. Above Ground Pools- Remember that above ground pool in your neighborhood? The one your childhood friend Phil had? Then his parents seperated and the mom couldn't keep up the maintenace of it? And soon, all that was left was a broken down human bacteria frappe that was soon going to leave a big brown circle of dead grass? Remember that eye sore? It originated in the south.

10. The Rodeo- Imagine waking up one day and deciding, "Hey, I want to ride a bucking bronco for a living!" Then imagine waking up and saying, "Hey, I want to wake up and WATCH a guy ride a bucking bronco."

9. College Football- "Hey guys, there is a HUGE basbeall game on tonight, the third game of the season. It pits the number 11 Twins vs. the number 22 Rangers! You want to get together and watch it?!? There will be a huge halftime breakdown and two hours of pregame! And here's the best part! Both of these teams will be irrlevant at seasons end!" Seriously, try watching five minutes of Alabama vs. TCU. It can't be done.

8. Acid Washed Jeans With High Tops- Okay, this can easily be a Pittsfield, Mass or an upstate New York thing, but you know it is way more popular down south. And I don't mean back in '87 like it was in my middle school. I mean now.

7. Jim Beam/Jack Daniels/Johnny Walker- We all CLAIM to like these, but who really does? Did you ever have a truly great night pounding these for six hours? Unless you consider A) Getting punched in the face by your best friend or B) Getting black out drunk, then vomiting until you rupture a blood vessel in your eye, having fun then you haven't had fun, I guarantee it.

6. Curt Schilling- Actually, he's from Alaska. But it seems like he's from the south, doesn't it? Plus, I couldn't go a full blog without ripping him, right? I hope Shaughnessey is reading this.....

5. Not A Single Good Movie Setting- You think Lawrence of Arabia would have been better titled Lawrence of Valdosta, Georgia? Or would the Nakatomi Plaza been better situated in Shreveport, Louisiana than LA? Casino or Leaving Las Vegas maybe filmed on a riverboat off the coast of Louisiana? I could go on like this all night. But I won't. I'll just say this. No movie worth its salt is taking place in the South.

4. Beef Jerkey- Oh shut up manly men. I know I sepnd $300 on jeans, get a back wax, drink cosmos, and subscribe to mens fashion magazines, but you don't like beef jerkey. You just don't. The last time I was on a road trip with ANY OF YOU, I don't recall seeing you get the beef jerkey at the rest stop. I remember cinnabons and onion rings.

3a. Mullets- You can thank that hairdo you/your date has in that 1985 prom picture that still sits on your mothers bookshelf on the dirty south. Somehow, we in the Blues figured out that that hairdo was no good (unless of course, the words North and Adams show up in your mailing address). The south still hasn't gotten the idea.

3b. Frosted Bangs- Yup, my middle school yearbook is full of these. It's also full double flouresecent socks with white keds, and lots of girls named Michelle, which we can probably blame on California. But it's the bangs that are the worst. Thanks south.

2. Slavery- Yes, the region of the country that also gave you the aformentioned 18 great pieces of Americana also gave you the triangle trade. As evidenced by the news story that incited this rant, the consequences still have not been eradicated.

Now, you'd think that slavery was the sure fire number one, seeing as where I did say these were ranked in order of wretchedness. But not even slavery out ranks number one in our poll. There can only be one number one. So here it is folks, the single worst thing that the South has given us.....

1. Duke Grads- Name a Duke kid you like...... Five, four, three, two, one.....

And I hear those blue things they are holding in the pic above are called Trust Fund Sticks.