Seven You Should Have In Your Collection

Once again ladies, you get nothing. But maybe, you can give an idea or two to your fashionally challenged partner/husband/boyfriend/fiance. I did think about also giving women seven items they should own, but it probably would have been really impracticle because I would have suggested pieces (five inch heels, white bikins, skanky dresses) that would have been way impractical. And as we all know, I like to be practical. Before we get to the list though, just take this in, from Friday's All Point's West Festival (Note: You- Well I- can see me... I am a yellow head in the left of the picture... It's my Padres hat... protected me from the rain AND garnered me numerous compliments).



Enough about the most awesomest festival I've ever been to... Here's seven things all guys NEED to have.

7b) One Good Pair Of Jeans: I bet you thought this would be higher on the list, but seeing as where women BARELY care about this, I figured I'd knock it down a few notches. That said, those acid washed 501 blues that played well when you were in high school are all done. I'm not asking ANYONE to drop $289 on a pair of True Religions (frankly- like Kings Of Leon- they may have jumped the shark), but find som ething that at least LOOKS like you are trying. Jeans- like any bit of fashion- are constantly changing. The wash, the cut, the color. They are all constantly changing. And although you don't want to do it, you've got to stay up with the times. Granted, it may cost you something, but think about it... Even if you wear your jeans ONLY on weekends, your talking about a piece of fashion you could conceivably use 104 times (damn they'd smell). You spend a TON more on a suit you wear twice a year, so why not purchase a pair that works for you?!? The here and now says buy somethign slightly more fitted and a bit skinnier through the leg. I'm not telling you to go Dave Mustaine on us, but the wide leg went out with "Who Let The Dogs Out" so nix those please.

7a) A Lightweight, V-Neck Sweater: So I cheated. It's my blog. But if you get this in a solid color, you can wear it with ANYTHING, ANYWHERE. You can rock it over a button down with jeans or over a cool colored t-shirt on a summer night. You can even throw it OVER a button down and UNDER a suit like Tom Brady (I'm coming around!!!) has. It really is an amazing staple. et a color that works for you and don't be afraid to wear it often.

6) The Accessory: Okay... You go to a wedding... Every guy is wearing a dark suit (the suit could be a whole other list by the way) and a white shirt and an outdated tie. There might be one guy in a pink shirt or a lavender shirt, but that's played out. Want to stand out?!? Grab yourself a great accessory like a tie bar or a pocket square. Tie bars are classic greatness, but they don't come cheap. A tie bar may run you a hundred bucks from a fine jeweler, but a pocket square?!? You can get five of those from Jos. A Bank tomorrow and they look really, REALLY great. Don't get the big frilly one or the triangular one like the guys on Sportscenter wear. Get a classic cotton white hanky and fold it into a... SQUARE!!! Don't show too much of it. Pair that with a classy tie bar (they ain't too expensive at J Crew by the way) and you will look DECIDELY different than everyone at the wedding you are going to next week. Trust me. You will. And finally... The scarf. It doesn't have to go with the suit, that's forcing it. But it's more than just something that keep your neck warm. It can look great SANS winter coat. Just embrace it. Buy a couple of different colors (the solid red is a must). Tie it right. And make sure it's not silk.

PS- While you are at it, get a suit and shirt that fucking fits and doesn't make you look like the kid from Big AFTER he morphs from Tom Hanks into his young self. But again, that's a whole OTHER post!!!

5) A Hoodie:Please don't go back into my archives. Let's just say that a great man changes. Sort of Like Anakin Skywalker thought it was a good idea to be wicked evil and then shifted to a man of goodness, I have come WAY around on the hoodie. It can useful and shockingly stylish (if you get one that fits). But get one that represents you. Don't get the Patriots hoodies. That's what unemployed Moms from Manchester, NH wear. Get a classy, plain navy blue or heather gray one. Or better yet, get a maroon one with the letters U-M-A-S-S emblazoned on it. Nothing says class like that.

4) Lace Up Shoes: The day of the slip on black or brown shoe are done. I knew this when I put a pair on with a suit and realized that my suit was money, yet I looked ridiculous. And I looked ridiculous because of my shoes, which were NOT lace ups. So get a pair of dress shoes. With laces. The color of the shoe is unimportant. If you are a guy who wears more brown, grab a brown pair. If you are a monochromatic black guy like me, grab a pair of black, lace up, wing tips. In the fall of 2009, it's really the only way to go. Yes, it will cost you $135, but it looks better than looking like an outdated chooch from Medford.

3) The Lightweight Jacket: Listen, we live in the Northeast. We'll need a Patagonia parka at some point. But not in April and certainly not in September. But we also know that a chill may set in on those nights and as useful as the hoodie may be, you might find yourself in a place where a hoodie just isn't appropriate (i.e. Anywhere but a football game, baseball game, card game, tailgate, festival, or garage cleaning). So, you are going to need something to throw on over your stylish henley or favorite band t-shirt. And that NEEDS to be a light weight jacket. The great thing about these is that they come in all shapes and styles and colors and lengths. And even better, they are often not very expensive. So, push aside your feelings that only gay runway models, Chris Martin, pitchers running the bases, and Sam Malone wear lightweight jackets because you can too! And if you don't believe me, just bring me (or your more stylish female partner) out and we'll find you something that doesn't make you look like Sonny Crockett.

2) Skinny, Tailored, Flat Front, Black Pants:Okay, listen. I already know that half of my male readers are rolling their eyes, but here's a tip: BIG, PLEATED PANTS MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN YOU ARE!!! Think about it. Pleats push OUT!!! Why would we want to wear anything that ACCENTUATES our middle?!? It just doesn't make sense. Pleats were cool in 1989 if they were on a pair of Z. Cavarrichi's (sic). There is nothing good about pleats anymore. Just ask Jessica Simpson. And we've already talked about the kid from Big so for crissakes, GET THEM HEMMED!!!! People are so afraid of looking like Urkel in a pair of high waters, but frankly, I'll take a short pair of pants over a pair of bunched dress pants that make me look like the dressed up version of Tone Loc. Plus, black pants work for a lot of different occassions. For whatever reason, men tend to drift to khakis or even worse, navy blue chinos and I have never understood that. Black looks great with a multitude of colors, won't get as dirty as khakis, and looks great when done monochromatically (did you see my man Bradley Cooper in The Hangover?). The little black dress works for women, so why wouldn't the little black pants work for men?

1) A Pair Of Sneakers To Wear Out That Aren't Air Force Ones, Shox, Air Jordans, Sketchers, Running Sneakers, Or Anything Else Your Dad Or a 15 Year Old Wigger Might Wear: I mean seriously. Cut this shit out. You look ridiculous. You throw on a button down, a decent pair of Lucky Jeans and then you... TOP THEM OFF WITH A PAIR OF SPARKLING WHITE JORDANS?!? ARE YOU EMINEM?!? OR ARE YOU RUNNING A FULL COURT GAME AT YOUR LOCAL GYM?!? Just stop that. Sneakers are comfortable, I get that. But frankly, so are shoes. But if you MUST be comfortable in your sneakers there are myriad choices other than what you see Darko Milicic wearing. For under $50 (and often under $30), you can get yourself a super stylish pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's. They come in a variety of colors and are ALWAYS mentioned in GQ and Esquire (they were just mentioned in an Esquire Ask The Stylist column lat month. True story.). But if you want to REALLY step it up, do a google search of Asics Onitsuka Tigers and you'll find a BEVY of styles that are amazing. Sure, some are gaudy, but you'll find plenty of plain sneakers that will work for you. Puma, Addidas, and even Saucony also make great casual shoes and I even found an awesome pair of Saucony's at Marshall's for under $20. But if they look like running shoes, and act like running shoes, then they probably are... RUNNING SHOES!!! WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T WEAR THEM TO A BAR OR COCKTAIL PARTY!!! Christ, even Jordan didn't wear Jordan's out!!!

Other Stuff You Might Want To Have: A Cardigan (not for your pipe smoking dad anymore); a swimsuit that is a bit shorter (not a Speedo, but the board shorts are over); a henley (if it was cool for John Matrix in Commando, then it is cool for us now!); a black button down; a plaid dress shirt (a gamble, but could by the tie bar of 2010); a great non-Red Sox Hat (old school baseball hats like the White Sox, Expos, Padres, and Brewers kill it).

What You Don't Need At All: A Pair of True Religions (Now become a staple of the Von Douche's); An Ed Hardy T-Shirt (The Douche Bag uniform); A navy blue blazer (isn't all that handy); The skinny tie (great if you are a high school teacher looking to impress 17 year olds, but not all that practical); boat shoes (never caught on); the leather jacket (can look great sometimes; other times, it can look like you're hunting down the Red Baron); a Western (I own several, but when I wear them out now, I look like... Everybody); a hoodless sweatshirt (wait, is it 1987?!?); fleece.

Okay, fine, ONE more song by The National (bad quality, but he came out with the people and got soaked... How money is THAT?!? There's me on the left!!! And do they still rock like The Wiggles, B. Hayes?!?)...