Happy Father's Day

The following is based on true events...

It is the summer of 1998. A semi-old man walks into a split level home carrying several bags of groceries. Only his oldest son is home and as he unloads said groceries, the two engage in a conversation about Near East Rice and its off shoot products. Per usual, it is witty banter, but it evenetually turns combative as the two- despite their love of one another- can be somewhat competitive. The son, a graduate school student, is living at home. The father, a hard working, brilliant man, and graduate of Boston University, has an acerbic yet polite wit. He has long loved his children and he frequently defers to them. Except for today...

Son: Hey Dad. Need help with the bags?

Father: No, I got them all.

Son: You get something good for dinner?

Father: I actually did. I got a bunch of chicken and steak tips. I figured I'd buy if you fly. Only I bought and flew so that means you have to cook everything.

Son: (Ecstatic about the set up) Oh, that's great dad. I'll definitely grill that shit up. Thanks for getting that.

Father: Nice! I always mess up the grilling anyways. You kids are way better at it than me.

Son: No doubt, we'll take care of it.

Father: Is anyone else gonna be here?

Son: Oh,no doubt. Julie, Molly, and Mike are all gonna be here, so it'll be great.

Father: Nice. I also picked up some ingredients for a Caesar Salad and I got some Couscous (he pronounced this Coo-Shis), and a bunch of Bass Ales.

Son: (Immediately regonizing that the dad called it Coo-shis) That's awesome! It's gonna be a feast! Molly and Julie can make the Caesar and I'll crush the chicken and tips on the grill and Dad, by the way... (Son stammers)

Father: Yes?

Son: The stuff you bought that is like rice is actually called CousCous (pronounced Coos-Coos).

Father: That's great about the salad... And you're completely wrong.

Son: (Sensing an increase of tension) No, the salad is gonna be money, but what do you mean I'm wrong?

Father: Yes, the salad will be nice. And you're wrong about the Coo-Shis.

Son: What?

Father: The Coo-shis. You sound like a prententious dumb ass when you call it coos-coos. It's called coo-shis. Don't be one of those guys.

Son: Dad, listen, you're way smarter than me and you always have been, but it's called coos-coos.

Father: You are so pretentious. I know you hang out at those Davis Square Bars and think you know what you're talking about, but that word is clearly pronounced coo-shis.

Son: (Now becoming defensive and arrogant) Dad, listen, I'm not trying to one up you but it's called coos-coos.

Father: Horses ahhs it is. What the hell is coos-coos? No one uses that word! Jeez, four years in Amherst and you've become this pretentious?

Son: (Becoming extremely agitated) Dad, you eat sardine sandwiches and put raspberry vinegrette on your burritoes. You have no refined pallette. I think I know more about food than you.

Father: Oh, you know more about food than me? Well, if that were the case, then you'd know this word is pronounced coo-shis.

Son: Dad, stop it. It's coos-coos.

The conversation ceases for approximately eight minutes as both stubborn parties do not speak.

Father: Well look at this. There is a 1-800 on the Near East coo-shis box. I think I'm gonna call this and get everything straightened out.

Son: Go ahead. You'll be wrong.

Two minutes pass...

Father: You know what? I'm doing it... I will bet you fifty dollars you pronounce it coos-shis.

Son: You know what, make it a hundred. And you know what? We'll never know, so what's the point?

Father: Well, we'll know when I call this number and get it sorted out...

Son: What.. Err... Uh... Ffffpf...

The father picks up the cordless phone, peers over his glasses and dials the number as his son sits in stunned silence with his heart pounding.

Father: Hey, sorry to bother you today, but I love your product... Well thank you... It is very tasty... Anyways, I was hoping you could help me out. My family always buys your rice product, but tonight we bought a different product. It is the one called coo-shus. Now, I know it is called coo-shis but my I-think-I-am-smarter-than-everyone-else-son says it is called coos-coos. So I figured I would call you and settle this debate... Oh really?!? It is called coos-shis?!? Coos-shis you say? Well thank you! And what is your name? Millie? Excellent. Thank you Millie.

The son sits in stunned silence...

Father: See, I told you. Coo-shis it is.

Son: There's no way that can be!

Father: Well, get over it kid. You're wrong.

Son: I'm so sure it's coos-coos.

Father: Well, it's not. You just heard it from Millie. It's coo-shis. Call if you don't believe it.

The lady doth protest too much...

Son: You know what. I just might. Because I'm not buying it.

Father: Well go ahead. You're gonna be made a fool.

The son, because he is a liar himself, knows that he got his liar tendencies from someone, so he makes a fatefu;l decision.

Son: I'm calling.

Father: Go ahead. You'll be made an ass.

The son is now fired up and so he grabs the Near
East Box and dials the 1-800 number.

Son: Hey, listen so sorry to bother you today miss, but I just have a question.

Near East Rice Lady: Go ahead...

Son: Well, this is so stupid, but I just bought one of your products and I was wondering the pronunciation of it...

Near East Rice Lady: Excuse me sir, diidn't you just call?!?

Son: Ah, what?

Near East Rice Lady: Sir, you just called and I told you the pronunciation.

The son now is laughing because he realizes that there is only one person manning the phones of the Near East 1-800 number becase NO ONE CALLS IT!!!

Son: Well, miss, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you, but that was actaully my father.

Near East Rice Lady: What?

Son: Yeah, that was my father who called you.

Near East Rice Lady: My god. You guys sound exactly alike.

Son: Well, thank you I guess. Anyways, could you tell me how you pronounce your product that is spelled c-o-u-s-c-o-u-s?!?

Near East Rice Lady: Your father didn't tell you?!?

Son: Well, no, he did, but I kind of didn't buy it. That's why I'm callibng you...

Near East Rice Lady: Well what did he say?

Son: He said you said you pronounced it coo-shis.

Near East Rice Lady: He said that?!?

Son: Yes.

Near East Rice Lady: Well, he lied to you.

In the background, a door can be heard slamming.

Son: What?!?

Near East Rice Lady: He lied to you. I said you pronounced it coos-coos-. Which is how you pronounce it.

Son: REALLY?!?

Near East Rice Lady: Ah... Yeah...

Son: My god, I love you! What's you name?

Near East Rice Lady: I just told your dad... Millie...

Son: Well Millie. Thanks. You just won me $100.

Near East Rice Lady: Well that's great... And sir, can I say something?

Son: Of course.

Near East Rice Lady: These are without a doubt the most enjoyable phone calls I have had in my four years on this job. You and you father are such fun.

Son: Well thanks Millie.

Near East Rice Lady: No really, what a blast. I wish nothing but the best for both of you.

The son has no idea what to say.

Son: Well thanks Millie. Just know, you'll always be part of a great story.

Near East Rice Lady: Glad I was.

Son: Bye Millie.

Near East Rice Lady: Bye friend.

The son turns around to talk trash about his win, but the dad is not present. The son looks out the window and the father's car is gone. He may have lost the battle, but never the war...

It's stories like this that I think about on days like this. I want it to be a happy day, but it ain't. But then I realize, it's happy for a lot of my great friends who read and support this blog. So to Brian H., Scott T, Dave M, Jay G., Scott M., Brian C., Steve T., Brian J., Eric S., Steve G., and all the other followers of my blog, Happy Father's Day. Enjoy every second of it and know that the weirdest things will be the moments that your children cherish the most.

Love all you dads and all that you do and all that you've done for me. You guys make every day of your children's life amazing, even when it's a call to a rice company.

Love you all, but mostly, I love my dad, the greatest of all dads.

I hope you can read this dad. You did such a good job. My three siblings make me so proud.

And I hope we make you proud too.

Go coos-coos.

Of Hipster Hip Hoppers, Whiny Republicans, Braless Hot Chicks, My Cees, Stupid Special Ed, And The Dude Who Sang Mmmbop

Yeah, yeah. It's been over a month. Sporcle.com has done me in. It's also proven that I have far less knowledge than I thought I had, but anyways, on to the good stuff...

Let me get this straight. David Letterman- who hasn't made an inappropriate comment in his 45 years in the business- is now a pedophile? Here's why this is awesome: My conservative friends (and I have a ton!) are always hammering we liberals for "whining" and "taking things to seriously." Well, it must be dark days for the GOP because if they have to rally around this and try to get David Letterman fired, then it really is a sorry state of affairs for the poor Republicans. And when was rape mentioned? Was it when he made a joke about Bristol Palin, the senior in high school who was in fact, knocked up?!? Or was it when he said A-Rod raped a girl. Oh wait, he didn't say that. So wake me up when he says something offensive about gays, blacks, or immigrants, like Limbaugh, Savage, and Severin do nightly. Anyways, I've always loved Dave and I love him even more after this. Legendary...



Sticking with the Late Night thing, I've never been a huge Conan O'Brien guy. I do find him quite funny, but I just never got into him. But what NBC is doing to him by putting Jay Leno in prime time is just garbage. Conan must be like, "Thanks for the vote of confidence NBC!" Oh well. All those old, conservative bastards who like Mr. Hook Chin can go to bed 90 minutes earlier now...

We now officially have two months in Boston: winter and summer. July 4th is in less than three weeks and it felt like early April the past three mornings...

Night school has ended, so I plan on crushing my Netflix movies. I did see Twilight and I have two questions. What the hell was that baseball scene and why does Kristin Stewart only have one facial expression? Isn't she an actor? Act goddamit! She spent the whole movie being that overly dramatic emo kid you have in class who you want to punch...

Just two short years ago, I loved all of the star players in the NBA and then the Celtics got good and now I hate them all with an unbridled passion. I was so happy when LeBron lost and I wanted Kobe to lose so badly. I do not think there is someone I have more of a love/hate relationship with than Kobe Bryant. He is so good that it is almost nauseating but at the same time, he is just plain nauseating. Bill Simmons crushed an article on him Monday. he said everything I wanted to say, but can't. That's probably why he is employed by ESPN and I am employed by Lynnfield Public Schools...

Speaking of Lynnfield, cool Millie is retiring and it got me to thinking: Imagine being retired?!? You collect a check and are on permanent vacation. How unbelievable is that? I have 13 years in. What you think my pension is now? $136 a week? I might do it...

I've been waiting for a good hip hop song for years and I found it in The Knux "Cappucino." Of course, it took a bunch of Hipster rappers to make a good rap song. If only 50 Cent and Eminem could figure out that THIS is what we want in hip hop. Enjoy (and special thanks to my curmudgeon brother for showing me the way yet again)...



My boy Shaughnessey destroyed it again Monday. He ripped L.A. for their ridiculous use of the word great and for the beatification of Phil Jackson. My boy constantly gets shredded for writing anti-Boston articles (it's called humor kids), but Monday's was awesome. And he's right. If KG doesn't get hurt, we are having the second most fun spring ever this year...

I'm missing the Celtics even more because the Red Sox are officially doing nothing for me. Thankfully, I have three of them on my second place fantasy team, so I can watch them and root for them...

Full disclosure: One of them is Youkilis. It sucks rooting for Youkilis...

I have been to a plethora of Dave Matthews concerts over the years, not so much because I am a superfan, but mostly because someone is always inviting me (likely because they know I like to get drunk). And I must say that "Funny The Way It Is" is the best thing he has done it years. It absolutely rocks and has one of the best lines in recent music. Not that you care, but knowing me I'm sure you'll figure it out...



So I am going to apply for a job at the movie website joblo.com. They are currently accepting applications and they need a writing sample. Any suggestions as to which one I should send..?

I am officially done with the Sandbox on WFNX (although I keep listening). I started this as a separate post a few days ago and couldn't get angry enough which must mean that the show isn't relevant enough to earn my true ire. But my hatred for the show revolves around Special Ed. He is SUCH a contrarian that it is beyond annoying. Now, I know this is coming from Coughlin Contrarian over here, but I do not argue EVERYTHING just to argue it (I always have rational reasons for my points). He has to battle everything and I understand that a radio/television show works well when there is differeing opinions but he has really been too much of late. I wish I could give a more solid example, but like I said, he isn't even annoying me enough to recall one as I type this. I also think the show is trying to draw in a different crowd than what FNX used to draw in. Listen to who calls in some time. It's people from Southern New Hampshire, Billerica, and Tewksbury. I haven't heard a hipster opinion on there since the inception of the show. Also, their morning playlists have been god awful. Three months ago, they played to death every ALMOST cool song like MGMT and Airborne Toxic Event. They have now rotated out anything new and are instead playing old standbys Weezer, The Offspring, Foo Fighters, Sublime (you know I listen during that), Rage Against the Machine, and U2. And while I at one time liked Weezer and Sublime and Rage and The Offspring, they might be my generations alternative cock rock. By this I mean they are the types of bands you can SAY you like and still have music credibility, but at the end of the day, you are saying you like bands that are between thirty and fifteen years old at this point. Just play something new FNX and fire Special Ed...

Like my FNX blog, I also tried a blog after The National show/day. I could not put the day into words. I'll just say that I now understand Dead Heads and that Saturday was probably the greatest day of my adult life. How's that for a review..?

Hungry Mother has replaced the Highland Kitchen as the Boston Globe's most loved restaurant...

So, I didn't watch a morsel of American idol this year (well, maybe I watched a bit), but the hatred for Lambert was funny. I think people despised him so much because he was annointed The One by the judges and was always the favorite. But while he was at times screechy and was definitely over the top, he never rubbed me the wrong way. He was never really a tool and he seemed pretty genuine when that vanilla southern kid won. And I always found the screechy critique odd. I think Guns 'N Roses sold a few records with this screechy guy as a frontman...

Speaking of that vanilla southern kid who won, what's the over/under on his marriage lasting? I say 18 months...

Megan Fox continues to be the hottest chick I have ever seen. It's almost unfair to the rest of the chicks of the world. But reading her interviews makes me 100% convinced that she is a female chuckah. But hey, she did say she likes old guys and I qualify as an Old Guy. Although she is a chuckah, she is forgiven for reasons like this...



See that debate where they are trying to get rates changed on texting because it is almost 100% profit and the rates they charge are so high that it could legally qualify as price gouging?!? How awesome would this be for me since I think I am single handedly keeping AT&T in business with my texts...

I may have lost my music snob fastball because A) I love yet another Kelly Clarkson song ("I Do No Hook Up") and B) I don't even mind that song by Tinted Windows. In case you don't know who Tinted Windows are, they are a supergroup with some really old guy from Cheap Trick, a random guy from Fountains of Wayne, an Asian dude from Smashing Pumpkins (not Billy Corgan), and the lead singer from Hanson. Yes, that Hanson...

I actually hate Sporcle because the movie games puts a lot of pressure on me. I know that four of my four readers play a good amount of trivia and there is nothing worse than FEELING the pressure of the category that you are SUPPOSED to answer. For example, I have not played the name the Brad Pitt movies because I know I'll fuck it up and forget Seven and Fight Club or something...

Well, school ends in mere moments and a new countdown starts. 44 more days until The All Points West Music Festival in Liberty Park. It's a three day festival. I am going Friday night. You can probably guess why...

In the words of Schwarzenegger, I'll be back. Soon. Until then, here's to the summer...