I've been watching Cinemax a bunch and I've decided that.....

The Departed really isn't that good. There is a ton wrong with it, but we'll start with this.

The movie didn't know what it wanted to be. Was it a comedy? A gangster film? A drama? Or a Shakespearean tragedy? Now, a movie does not have to fit into a specific category by any means, but William Monahan (the writer) tried to do too much. The film should have been much more streamlined. Many of the subplots were unneccessary (the love triangle) and others were just plain annoying (Damon needing the viagra). I liked a lot of the dialogue that Monahan created, but plot wise, he tried to do too much. He wanted to jam in myriad different stories, when really the film would have worked better if it focused more on the cat and mouse game between Damon and DiCaprio (as the much better Infernal Affairs did).

But the irritations continued. I've never taken screenwriting 101, but if I did, I bet that Professor Know-A-Lot-About-Film would tell you that the central character should NOT be killed off by a random dude who then has to turn and explain to the audience who he is. The same thing happened when Marky Mark killed Damon at the end. The movie snobs over at IMDb (to which I belong) call this the Deus Ex Machina (Wikipedia it. I had to). And once Wikipedia told me what that was, it made sense. It just seems like that Monahan painted himself into a corner.

Back to that cat and mouse thing I mentioned. The two best parts of the film were when Damon and DiCaprio were trying to catch one another. The chase scene through China Town and then the non verbal conversation (does that even make sense?) on Emilio Estevez's father's cell phone were phenomenal scenes. But instead of focusing on these scenes, we had to settle for over the top Jack scenes where he waved around severed hands and witty cop repartee between Alec and Marky Mark.

Those three complaints are my central ones, but I also have several others (it wouldn't be a blog if I weren't complaining, right?) that made the film extremely average.

Was it entirely necessary for Jack to play his Shining character crossed with his Colonel Jessup character? It was way too over the top, which I understand is what Jack does, but it's not a performance that will weather time. In fact, it is one that will be laughed at. It's tough to play a truly believable villain. Think about it. How many villanious charcaters have stood the test of time (I say Hans Gruber) and how many are hilarious jokes (I say Dennis Hopper in Speed. I'm not saying that Speed is The Departed, but it was extremely well reviewed. Check out its metacritic score.)? Jack as Whitey Bulger will be a hilarious joke.

It's trite to comment on accents, I know, but if you can't do it, just don't do it. Half of my born and raised Masshole friends DON'T have an accent. It doesn't need to be there for authenticity purposes. I mean, did Damon forget how to do his accent? Has he been spending too much time in South Beach? His was great in Good Will, and it was just too much in The Departed.

Also annoying were the "shocking deaths." It is always heart wrenching if somewhat predictable when the lovable secondary character dies (Goose, Obi Wan, Clint's partner in In The Line of Fire), and it always a shock when the main character dies (Vincent Vega, Hanks in Private Ryan), but when you kill EVERYONE, it is not shockin or heart wrenching. Instead it is an overcooked ham.

There was more, but you get the point. I'm just wondering why everyone likes this movie so much. The cast was phenomenal, but the performances were not AMAZING. Virtually every actor with the exception of Marky Mark was better in another film (unless you like Marky when he was fingering a pre I've-become-Julia-Roberts Reese Witherspoon). The writing was funny, but no funnier than in other crime dramas. The plot was interesting, but wasn't capitalized on. I think people like it here in Mass, because 1. It was in Mass and 2. It was about gangsters. Which is another story. For another blog.

But there have certainly been better Boston films (need I mention GWH again?) and there most have certainly been better gangster films (A Histroy of Violence did it much better just a year earlier).

In the end, I think all you Departed Super Fans gave it to the Lore of Marty, who I must admit, does nothing for me. But 2006 is literally one of the best years in film. Ever. There was United 93, Children of Men, Pans Labyrinth, The Illusionist, Inside Man, Notes On A Scandal, The Descent, Miami Vice, Borat, Army of Shadows, Letters From Iwo Jima, Half Nelson, Casino Royale, and Inland Empire. All were better. So that makes the deficiencies of The Departed even more annoying.

But at least the Departed was better than Little Miss Sunshine. Now THAT was a terrible movie and here's why.....