Say What?

As I was sitting in a middle school meeting today wondering who was worse, Scott Boras, Julia Roberts, Idi Amin, that dude who played Shaggy in the movie version of Scooby Doo, Chris Daughtry, Voldemort, Spencer Pratt, Anderson Varejao, Amon Goeth, or the lady chairing the meeting, I heard someone utter the phrase, "we're going through a transition period with the seventh grade English class." And I got really irritated.

Because I fucking hate the phrase, "transition period."

There are trends for everything. Shoes, music, home decor, restaurants, jeans, alcoholic beverages, handbags, travel spots. There are even trends for baseball offensive approaches. And it appears that there are even trends for phrases. And "transition period" is one of those trendy phrases.

Was this phrase used fifteen years ago? Do you remember the bouncer at Time Out saying, "Oh no. We can't let you in this week. Ever since the ABC fined us for being over capacity, we have been in a transition period."

I'm not sure when I first heard this phrase, but in drives me fucking nuts. And what does it even mean? I know it usually carries a negative connotation. In fact, people whisper the phrase when the talk about someone who is in transition. On my therapists website, she advertises herself as a therapist for "men in tansition." And if you're in therapy, things can't be going too well. And so if one of the reason you might be in therapy is because you are "in transition," then transition can't be good, right?

Anyways, if someone actually knows what this phrase means, could you fill me in please? In the meantime, here are a bunch of other phrases (trendy and old) that I A) Don't get or B) Hate because they were created by pseudo intellectual fucksticks.

Boys Will Be Boys: Usually, this is uttered by someone with the IQ of a chalkboard. It is also usually used to describe a completely reprehensible and entirely unacceptable social behavior perpertrated by an idiot dude. I'm not sure what makes me angrier, the fact that people actually believe this statement or the fact that people think it is a rational answer to irrational acts.

At The End Of The Day: This is usually used for sports arguments. "At the end of the day, who do you want in your lineup, Jason Bay or Manny Ramirez?" Well, what day is it? Is it the day of the seventh game of the world series? Or is it a regular old day that will be a lot like the day that is coming tomorrow? Days are short and they are repetitive and they are awfully similar. Shouldn't we say, at the end a generation? Or even, at the end of humanity? Like, "at the end of humanity, who do you want in your starting rotation?

It's Like Comparing Apples To Oranges: In case you haven't noticed, apples and oranges are awfully similar. Both fruits. Both edible. Both sweet. They are one color away on the rainbow. They are roughly the same shape. They are roughly the same size. They grow on trees. They are in fact, almost exactly alike. Short of Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott, I can't think of two things more similar.

Live Free Or Die: Are you really serious still keeping this around New Hampshire? I didn't know Tianemen Square had been moved to downtown Portsmouth.

I Threw Out My Back: Is this a medical term? Or was you back stale and moldy and had thus become detritus and needed to be placed in a garbage pail? Or does it just mean your back hurts? My back hurts all the time, but I don't think I threw it out, mostly because I don't know what that means. And on Saturdays, when I drink 12 PBRs and wash them down with a pair of espressos martinis and wake up the next morning and my head hurts, did I throw out my head?

I Don't Like Surprises: So, on the fun scale, you fall somewhere between Malaria and prison sex? I mean really, who doesn't like surprises? When has the phrase, "I have a surprise for you" ever been followed by something bad? Do they same people who don't like surprises also not like ice cream, dodgeball, flip cup, and Morgan Freeman? Surprises are awesome. Except if you're Stephen Rea in The Crying Game.

I'm So Tired: Oh, you are? Because I'm fully and totally rested after my twelve hours of sleep yesterday.

I Don't Watch TV: I must admit, I am a recovering "I don't watch TV" sayer. But then I realized that it was idiotic, because although I have no idea at what time and on what channel CSI and Law and Order are, I watch more TV than Floyd in True Romance. When people say this, they are trying to talk down to you, but what they really mean is, "Oh damn. I wish I could be part of this conversation about The Bachelor because I kind of want to be, but instead I was trying to make Rogue Waves: The Science of Tsunamis happen on Nat Geo so I could feel good about myself." Admit it people. You watch TV. That's all you do. And if you aren't, what exactly are you doing from 9-11 on Tuesday's? Playing in a floor hockey league? Reading Us Weekly? Or splitting the atom?

I Feel So Bloated Right Now: You're not bloated. You just feel fat because you washed down that big beef cheeseburger and crinkle cut fries with a Jim Dandy. So either go vomit or starve yourself tomorrow. Either way, you're fat. Deal with it.

I'm too old. I Just Can't Do That Anymore: Usually in response to someone who states that they drank both Friday AND Saturday night. Translation: My life is miserable right now. I really wish I could have been with you drinking Friday and Saturday night. But I'm old as fuck now.

I Don't Feel Good: A more genralized version of "I threw out my back" and "I'm so tired." Still, I don't know what this means. Does your stomach hurt? Because my stomach hurt once. I had to stay in for recess because of it.

People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones: Why would someone in a house be throwing stones? Where did the get the stones? Do they have a little brook in their glass house? Or a stone wall? And who throws stones anymore anyways? The last time I heard people throwing stones was in that short story The Lottery.

I Could Care Less: So, what you're saying is that you do actually care about said subject SOMEWHAT because if you COULD care less, then there is- in fact- something that you could care less about than the subject currently being discussed.

Bringing Closure To This: Closure? What? Have we really made this a word? A word we actually use? Who made this up? The same people who name their kids Blake Alexander the Third? And is there closure? Once someone says we are bringing closure to something, is it closed? Can I not think of it anymore? Can I bring it up again? Because closed just means temporarily shut down. Like JC Penny closes, but then opens back up. Should we say, "Bringing Chapter 11 To This..." Would that make more sense? It might.

Anyways, consider this topic closed. Or closurered. Or something.