Of Monsters And Ghosts; Steroids And Cheating; Bar And Hotness; And Facebook

So this is going to sound ridiculous and I'm having a lot of trouble expressing my opinion clearly, but the use of steroids in baseball is NOT cheating. Cheating is the wrong word. I'm not sure what the right word is, but here's my logic: The using of anabolic steroids- yes, I understand they are an illegal drug- was not OUTLAWED by major league baseball while it was happening. In fact, baseball may have loved it. The Sosa/McGwire home run chase saved baseball post strike and fans were turning out in record numbers during the "steroid era" (such a stupid name by the way), so clearly, these same fans that are crying now about "cheating" were NOT crying then. Maybe we were all naive and convinced ourselves it wasn't happening, but it was. And it probably happens in every sport. Yeah, we can be outraged and hurt, but millions of dollars are at stake for these players and any edge they can gain, they WILL gain. Particularly when their sport says that steroids are NOT illegal. Again, I understand the outrage, given the historical pedestal we put baseball on (and I like that by the way- it's the only sport where you can talk about players from different eras and NOT have it be a ridiculously stupid conversation), but it's not cheating. I guess I think of cheating as something that is deliberately and knowingly done by a person who KNOWS that they are cheating (dealing off the bottom of the deck, lying about your golf score, pretending you hid a five hundred under the board in Monopoly as a "savings"). While these guys KNEW they were taking an illegal drug, the sport they played said it was okay, so why not do it....?

Down year for movies was 2008. There were a lot of solid films and nothing I loathed like Juno and Little Miss Sunshine, but in comparison to recent best picture nominees like Sideways, Million Dollar Baby, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men and should have been nominee United 93, 2008 just didn't make the grade. I have been happy to see that some critics agree. That said, Slumdog is awesome. So is The Wrestler. They take genres I usually loathe (feel good flicks, sports movies) and do a great job with them. And there's somethng to be said for that. My guilty pleasure pick for '08 though was Cloverfield. I wish more horror movies were like that.....

Mark down June 4th on your calendar. TV On The Radio. That will be a good two weeks for me because in case you haven't heard, this band I like is playing May 23rd...

Speaking of live music, Coldplay's awesomeness kind of makes me want to make the trek down to TVFKAGW (The Venue Formerly Known As Great Woods) for the first time in som ten years.....

Somervillians and Cambridgians. Please. I'm begging you. Get off your fucking bikes. It's snowing and 7 degrees out. I'll buy you The Charlie Card...

Okay, so KG is out three weeks. It could be worse. When the injury first happened, I thought it was the dreaded ruptured achilles (I have a zen like ability to guess
when a player has the ruptured achilles. At first I thought it was because I had the closest thing to that, but then I realized tha I could tell it was a ruptured achilles by the fact that Player X was writhing around on the ground holding his achilles), but it appears to be a less than major knee issue. Keep in mind, he missed nine games last year, which is about three weeks and I think we know how things played out for last years Celtics. My boys P Squared and Ray Ray will step it up though, don't you worry. I say they go 8-3 without him.....

The antithesis of these Celtics might be your 2009 Boston Red Sox. Seriously, is there a more boring team in sport? Their infield on most nights will be Varitek, Youk, Pedroia, Lowrie, and Lowell. Or, The All Gerard Hate Them Because They Are So Goddman White And Boring Team. It's going to be tough to watch and root for them every night.....

Flight Of The Conchords continues to dominate television. It is so funny ("that's quite an accent you got there Kevina") and so original that it is getting to the point where I might not be able to be friends with you if you don't like the show. And even better, it helped me to understand Donny Marshall's "kiwi" reference he made in regards to a New Zealand born hoop player the other day. See, I don't have to travel the world to be cultured. All I have to do is watch trendy HBO TV shows that poseurs like me can blog about.....

So, I was thinking of making this a separate post and I may yet do that, but it will bring about considerable ire when I do so and I don't know if I'm in the mood to defend myself, but I've got some problems with Facebook. Firstly, I'm not on it because I don't need the drama, but I must admit being somewhat fascinated by it. However, here's my major beef with it: People lie about why they like it. They say it allows them to "keep in touch with people." C'Mon folks. Are you REALLY going to lie to yorselves like that? Here's why people have a Facebook: To look into the lives of "old" friends and to give people the opportunity to talk about themselves (no one cares that you're tired today!). The first part is self explanatoy, but what I mean by the second part is that Facebook gives us all the chance to participate in our favorite collective past time: One upping each other. We can post pictures of ourselves in the south of France, discuss our awesome jobs, display our ecclectic tastes in music or movies, or list our numerous degrees. And that's fine. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. But I would prefer it if people stopped calling it a "social networking" site. It is a place to talk about yourself, end of conversation. I mean, who would ever create a page on the internet about themselves, their thoughts, and their opinions?!? So arrogant.....

So I'm driving down the highway the other day and I pass a Spag's truck!!! What the fuck?!? That store still exists?!? I remember their god awful commercials from like 25 years ago. They are still in business? Where are they located? And what the hell do they even sell? And why didn't Bear Stearns steal their business plan?!? Worst economy in four score and fucking Spag's is still in existence. Unbelievable.....

While on the subject of advanced degrees, head over to Bukowski's some Tuesday night around 11. That is the night the Harvard Business School guys go in for post class drinks (the waitress informed me of such). Stumbled in there after a movie the other night and thought I was in the Bizarro Star Wars Cantina. Instead of everyone being from a different planet, it looked like they were all from the same parents. 6'3", good lucking, fit, well dressed, and surpremely obnoxious (complete with a guy who WAS the clone of the Jewish dude in Bolier Room kicking in the headlight of a random car). I didn't know whether to kill them or kill myself. I probably would have went with killing myself though because after they all got done beating me up, they probably would have beat me at Jeopardy! and Scrabble!. But hey, at least I can beat them at... NHL 95 maybe.....?

So I'm trying a new stategy in Fantasy basbeall this year since I haven't won since 1997 (That's a net loss of about $4800) and that strategy is to not read a single stupid fantasy magazine or web site. I can't take the guys they "hype" and the sleepers they tell me to pick who then spend the year sleeping statistically. Yet another reason why I need Dr. Emmet Brown and his DeLorean time machine: So I can hit the pedal to 88 and go back to about 1994 and write a fantasy magazine where I make up the stats of a guy. I can say he is going to do the next year without having any scientific proof of those predictions whatsoever and it'll sell tons of copies....

Got into a fun discussion with my bro and some of his friends the other night about scary movies and where we come down on them. It appears you are either scared by the ghost concept or the monster concept. The insane killer briefly entered the conversation and they can be scary particularly when it is a film like The Strangers, but for too many of these insane killer movies, the killer is an indestructible man who walks faster than Usain Bolt runs. So we leveled it down to ghost and monster movies and the type that scares you is the one that you find more plausible. So, with that in mind, what is more plausible, cave dwelling creatures or a little girls who walks out of your TV? C'mon now people... It's cave dwelling monsters in a landslide. That's why The Descent is the best horror move ever....

I'll see the G.I. Joe movie. I hope it is as good as some of the cartoon episodes though.....

The four songs that NEED to be on rock band are "Blank Slate" by You Know Who, The Killer's version of "Shadowplay", "7/4 (Shoreline)" by Broken Social Scene, and Ion Square" by Bloc Party. And here's why: Each song has a ridiculous mini jam that would be so fun to rock out to. They are awesome little jams that are not overly long, like a Slash guitar solo. Don't believe me? Go to the 5:10 mark of "Ion Square," the 3:11 mark of 7/4, the 2:59 mark of "Shadowplay," and the 1:51 mark of "Blank Slate." You'll feel like a air guitar god rocking out to these in your car or bedroom.....

I try to keep this apolitical, but here's why I am a democrat: Because republicans are awful people. It is a fct that we have the worst economic crisis in 80 years and republicans are UNANIMOUSLY voting against a stimulus package because it was created by the rock star democratic president they despise. On the other hand, democrats always voted for the War In Iraq and funding for troops... Because it was the right thing to do. No one understands partisan poitics better than me and I rooted against the last administration with a Michael Moore fervor at some points, but the stubbornness on display right now is disgraceful. Let that nonsense stay with the Michael Moore's of the world. I thought REAL politicans were above that stuff (as dems were during the Iraq War votes), but leave it to the worthless republicans to be their usual worthless selves.....

Bar Rafaeli, congratulations. You've cracked my top five. And what has been really fun about this is that some girls have been hating on her. My sister said she "might be the hottest girl at Whiskey Park." Sure, and girls love other girls, just as I've always said.....

The rest of the Top 5? It's always changing and it probably needs to be like a top 150, but Megan Fox is obviously there. Miranda Kerr would be too. Brooke Burke might make it there for nostalgia purposes. Then it's probably Rachel Bilson because I think she'd like me if she met me. I have nothing to base this on, other than my insanity.....

A dark horse candidate has ALWAYS been Kelly Monaco. Loved her since she showed up on DWTS.....

Okay, here are my predictions... Best Pic: Slumdog; Best Actor: Penn; Best Actress: Winslet; Best Supporting Actress: Penlope Cruz; Best Supporting Actor: Heath (bold prediction there); Best Director: Danny Boyle. And I like to think I know something about movies andI probably THINK I know more than I actually DO, but if Slumdog DOESN'T win for Best Editing, then I know absolutely nothing about film.....

Finally, big congrats to my friends Waidehi and Steve on the birth of their beautiful daughter, Leela. Also, congrats to my boy Brennan on his engagement to Andrea. They are two couples that I respect and I truly believe have found their partner's for life. One of these days, I will call them all and congratulate them verbally. That will probably be the same day that I turn into a good kid.....

And if you have absolutey nothing to do (and I mean nothing... If Hoosiers or Pale Rider is on and you just opened a bottle of wine, that's a way, WAY btter option) next Saturday, February 28th at 5:30 and you feel like taking a drive to Ipswich High School, there is this one act play being performed as part of a competition. The play, titled PS was co-written by my good friend Dave McLoughlin and some middle aged guy who writes a blog named after a quote from a dated Vince Vaughn flick. Don't expect Good Will Hunting people. In fact, if this thing is even thismuch better than Xanadu, I'll be immensely pleased. You know what? I should probably get on Facebook and tell eveyone about this, shouldn't I?

MAY 23rd!!!!!

Yup, The House of Blues. Tickets go on sale Saturday. Come one, come all. It's a Saturday. It's the spring. It'll be the best night of music you've ever experienced. Seriously. I'll pay for your ticket if you disagree. I literally can't function thinking about it. I hope I don't get hit by a bus before then.

84 days and counting... Here's a sample (but I saved "Mr. November" and "Fake Empire" because I really feel like you need to see them in person and just be overwhelmed) ...



And another...



Okay, just one more...

28: The New Mid Life Crisis

I like Valentine's Day. Mostly because it afford me the opportunity to talk about one of my favorite subjects.

Relationships.

One would think that someone who enjoys discussing relationships as much as I do would be good at them. But I am not. There is an infinite list of people who will confirm that (one has been an occassional guest commenter right here on this very site). But hey, at least I am pretty good at picking out gifts. No gift cards here. i even know sizes and styles. Must be that sexual ambiguity that makes me so good at this.

But anyways, I love discussing relationships. And with February 14th approaching. I was afforded the opportunity recently to discuss relationships. And my favorite subject came up.

The Magic 28 Theory.

Creative, the name isn't. And scientifically proven, the theory has not been, but it's right.

Before I get to The Magic 28 Theory, we all know that the divorce rate is 50% in America. A quick google search (what did we do pre-google? That needs to be some sort of historical abbreviation. Like BC and AD, we need a BG and AG) of marital studies say that the frequently cited reasons for divorce are: Lack of commitment to the marriage, lack of communication between spouses, infidelity, alcohol addiction, substance abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, inability to manage or resolve conflict, differences in personal and career goals financial problems, different expectations about household tasks (this is my favorite one), different expectations about having or rearing children, interference from parents or in-laws (hilarious), lack of maturity, intellectual incompatibility, sexual incompatibility, religious conversion or religious beliefs, cultural and lifestyle differences, inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies (imagine telling your husband/wife, "I'm leaving you because you eat your peas one at a time."), criminal behavior and incarceration for crime.

While all of these are valid and reasonable (particularly incarceration) explanations for divorce, the real reason why everyone gets divorced is much more simple.

We marry the wrong person.

Often we marry the wrong person because we panic. And this panic usually sets in right around... The age of 28. Because when we are this age and single, it seems that everyone around said us is either A) married or B) getting married. And because all of the people surrounding us are in one of these two situations, we decide that it is also time for us to get married. Partner be damned.

But why 28 you ask. Why not 26 or 30?

At 26, you are still young enough to "find someone" and enjoy singledom. It seems that you have your whole life to partner up (but really, society says you only have two years). So 26 is too young.

And 30? Isn't that a tough age for everyone?

Well, at thirty, you are over being... 28. And so you have a bit more confidence and a bit more of an ability to realize, "yes, I can do this."

You've ikely been paying rent for awhile, managing your student loans, making a car payment, and pretty much manuevering through the rolling sea that is life. I'm not saying you have it all figured out at 30, but you are somewhat more aware of yourself and maybe even more comfortable with yourself (at what age will I be comfortable with my abs and teeth?).

But at 28? You have nothing figured out. And to make matters worse, society says you should because... Well, because everybody does, don't they?

But we don't.

And that's why at this Magic 28 Age, we marry whatever might be convenient. We do this for a variety of reasons, but the main reason we get married at 28 is the pressure. Even though we have progressed enough as a society to put a black man in The White House, we haven't progressed enough to tell people (particularly women) that it is okay to be over 28 and unmarried. And that is flabbergasting because we spend our whole lives telling our students and children that we should find true love. Think about it...

From the youngest of ages, we smack people around with the idea of love. Be it Barbie and Ken (even they broke up) or Luke and Laura (their wedding is only relevant to people my age and older), we are given the ideas and images of relationships almost as soon as we can read. From there, we are hit with all manner of relationship mumbo jumbo, be it movies (Can't Buy Me Love showed me that I couldn't buy one), periodicals (read the cover of Seventeen the next time you are in CVS), or CW television shows until we graduate to the biggest day in our relationship existence: The prom.

From there, we move to college where we experience all manner of "relationships" (there is so much I could say right here, but because of my lack of professional status at LHS, I'll refrain but for this: What is the status of a relationship when the central entrance is a window?). It is in fact the frequent matra of college kids to not WANT a relationship because, you know... It's college.

And after college, we pretty much continue the same behavior because, you know, we just... Graduated from college. Some of us find meaningful relationships in college and some of us even decide to marry those college girlfriends or boyfriends (personal experience tells me this is not a good idea), but for many of us, the post college experience is a time to enjoy life as if you were in college only with earlier wake-ups, fewer papers, and more money.

During the years between 0-27, many of us are single for good stretches of time and save for the prom night you were dateless and listening to The Cure and plotting ways to kill ourselves, we are pretty much okay with it. In fact, some of us LOVE singledom, particularly when we FINALLY make that decision to pitch that bitch/dickhead.

And why do we have no problem with being single between the ages of 0-27? Because absolutely everyone around us and more importanly the ENTIRE AMERICAN CULTURE/SOCIETY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH ANYONE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 0-27 BEING SINGLE!!!

Think about it. Everyone supports you when you are single at those ages. When you go crying to your guidance counselor (this is the only time they do work by the way ;)) about getting dumped, they tell you, "it's okay... You'll find someone else." When you get pitched in college, your friends say, "you were way too good for him anyways." And when you break up with your post college girlfriend, people say, "dude, she was kind of a bitch... And also, I never told you this but... She was kinda a butterface."

Whoa, sorry. I think it is just me who heard that one.

Anyways, we are totally, utterly, and completed supported when we are single for those 27 years. Sure, there are some nights when we feel left out because all of our friends are out with their significant others, but there was always those one, two, or three guys/girls we could hang out with, even if it meant scrolling through your phone to your group of second tier friends.

But all of a sudden, when 28 hits, you HAVE to find someone.

You can feel it creeping in at 27 and the fact that you have a wedding every other weekend (seriously, do you remember how many weddings you had at that age?!? At 35, I've been to three weddings in the last four years) sure MAKES it seem like that you HAVE to find someone, doesn't it?

But you don't.

Only there is no one telling you that you DON'T have to find someone. In fact, the direct opposite begins to happen. You start scrolling match.com and wonder if 8 Minute Dating is for you. You REALLY like the guy your friend says you should meet because, wow, he likes ice cream and the beach JUST LIKE YOU!!!

And then you convince yourself that maybe your standards are a bit too high and that you probably shoud have given that guy with the tassels on his shoes one more date because MAYBE you would have developed feelings for him (what the hell does this mean by the way?!? Humans can tell within approximately four seconds if they want to be with someone... Either you want to have crazy wild sex with them or you don't. Sexual attraction doesn't "develop." Just ask the Tennis Girl from UMass. Regardless of how charming I was, she wasn't going to sleep with my Masshole self.).

It's painful and while I wish we were strong enough to fight this and be confident in our singledom, but not all of us are. And the reason we can't be is that sociaty absolutely does not let us feel confident about being 28+ and being single. Oh, Sex And The City tried, but it was too outnumbered by the Wedding Section at Barnes And Noble, biological clocks, and preposterous garbage like Bride Wars. In fact, didn't Sex And The City end with a marriage?!? Even that caved.

And by the way, this may sound like I am only talking about women, but I'm not. Guys are just as bad, just as self conscious, just as scared of being alone. But instead of wedding movies to motivate us to get married, we have Fat Guy With Pretty Girl sitcoms to motivate us to get married. You guys have dress shopping and menu selection to get you excited for the prospect of marriage, we men have a weekly card game with our four buddies to get us excited for marriage.

My point? As Valentines Day approaches, I know that it is not easy to be 28+ and single. But it's also okay. Maybe nobody has told you that. I sometimes think that nobody told me it was okay because they were strangely envious of what I had. Not that they were jealous of the fact that I was a "swinging single," but jealous of the fact that I could be strong enough to be in my 30s and be by myself. I always had the sense that some people (not everyone mind you) wished they could do it too. Be alone and be comfortable with it.

Because you should be comfortable with it.

Because it's okay.

I mean, you could be having dinner with tassel shoe boy this weekend, right? And how is that better than getting really drunk (read: Are you alone this Valentines Day? Four words. Best. Singles. Night. Ever.) with a couple friends and then going home and watching Love Actually?

It isn't.

And I wish more people told us this.

Could I Have Soda, Seven, Or Even Apple Please?!?

I ought to make some enemies with this one.

But I can't take it anymore.

I absolutely despise the baby names selected by my generational peers.

I mean I despise them. REALLY despise them. More than bicyclists and anal fissures.

I'm not sure when I first noticed this and why it bothers me so much. Like anything that others like, why can't I just let it go? As I have morphed into middle age, I have let the inane actions, interests, and habits of others annoy me much less frequently. Sure, the movie going habits of America fascinates me and the love that still exists for things like 24, 80s comedies, classic rock, and Bill Belichick annoy me beyond belief.

But for the most part, I can let stuff go now. While James Petterson books, Ugg Boots, and chain restaurants certainly aren't for me, I understand the appeal/ease/practicality of them all.

But I cannot excuse the baby names. I want to. I try to. But I cannot.

I've tried to understand why the annoy me so much. Is it the type of person who would name their kid Jaxson (#6 on the list of 2008 Most Popular Boy Names) that annoys me? Is it the fact that The Hills is now not only influencing fashion, but names (Brody is #45 on the list)? Or is it the fact that an Eric Clapton song is the best my generation can do for inspiration (Layla: #24)?

Whatever it is, I can't take it.

But more to the point, how can OTHERS take it? Where is the outrage? Where is the anger? Where is the originality of my generational peers that I love and respect so much? We are so many things. We are great actors like Pitt, Leo, Depp, and Tiffani Amber Thiessen. We are great musicians like The National, Coldplay, and the guy who sang "Here Comes The Hotstepper." We wrote Twilight, Harry Potter, and that really great book where if you think it, it will happen.

We are the same people that made TV On The Radio's Dear Scientist the album of the year in Spin AND Rolling Stone. We are the generation that created Lost, Seven, the Scene It? board game, google, all those awesome VW commericals, and The BK Triple Stacker. We elected the first black president, the first female Speaker of the House, and we got Donald Rumsfeld fired. We perfected texting, inventing beer funnelling, and took drinking games to a new level. We are great.

Except when it comes to names.

We (and I mean the collective, societal, we) seem to only like very specific names.

For example, we love names that end in an nnn sound. Be it Aiden (your #1 ladies and gentlemen), Ethan (#2), Kaden (#4), Brayden (#6), Landon (#8), Madelyn (#3), Caitlin (#13), Addison (#14), Benjamin (#12), Gavin (#15), or Tristan (#19), we really seem to love that hard N sound and I'm not sure why.

We have also taken a liking to biblical names (I blame the stupid south for this) like Elijah (#17), Gabriel (#16), Jacob (#7), and Noah (#3). Is this because so many of us Gen Xers struggle with religion and what it means to us and so this is how we make up? Or do we just like guys with wizard beards who like to ride around in big boats with multiple sets of animals?

And then there's the girls names. Now, I know that it is pretty much only women who read fiction, but do they only read Harlequin Romance novels? Because when I see names like Bella, Peyton, Scarlett, and Charlotte, all I can think of is these women in mid 19th century garb getting pounded by the chimney sweeper's purple headed warrior in a field of barley.

Or perhaps the stripper culture- which has made Jenna Jameson a household name- has so infested our society that we think Ruby, Brooklyn, Aurora, Jazmine, and Izabella (all in the top 50) are all acceptable names? Do the parents of these daughters WANT to see their girls swinging around on a pole in 18 years as Warrant's "Cherry Pie" booms from the speakers? Because you are pretty much choosing your destiny for your daughter when you drop Aurora on her shortly after she fires out of the birth canal. Hopefully, the parents were just big Foo Fighters fans, but I'm not holding my breath.

And when we are not dropping stripper or bible names on our kids, we seem to like the names of people from Arthur Miller plays (Abigail: #5), curmudgeonly British bands (Liam: #9), Matt Damon and Ben Affleck movies (Will: #21), and MTV Shows (Aubrey: #15). We also get influences from JD Salinger (Holden. Are people aware he's narrating from a loony bin?), Milwaukee Brewer first basemen (Cooper), state capitals (Austin), Peanuts Cartoons (Lucy), and Roger Clemens (Kole, Kadence, Kaden... Why does everyone love strikeouts so much?!?).

And when we're out of inspiration, we make stuff up like Colton (is that an engine part?), Fynn, and Asher (did they think that former A List Guy on Punk'd whose now married to a coug was Asher, not Ashton?)

Of course, I understand that people want to be different. That much is obvious. I also understand that as we age, we find "old" names to be hilarious and at times, unusable (at my uncle's funeral a couple of weeks ago, we found out that my uncle through marriage had a sister named Priscilla whom everybody called Pussy... True story. Even my mother laughed.), but isn't there some sort of compromise? While I anticipate that Blanche will never return and that Dick (my middle name btw) has been retired for good, what ever happened to Tom, Matt, Brian, Kevin, Jen, Sarah, or Lauren? Or even the less heard, but still popular names of our youth like Derek and Leslie? Where did those go? Are they so awful? Or are they just so... Regular.

And I think that's it. My generational peers (who are now more educated, more wealthy, more aware) don't want their kids to be... Heaven forbid... REGULAR! Everyone wants their kid to be talking first, pottying first, or reading first (Yes Petey and Paula Parent, we understand your child is so smart... We've never heard anyone say anything BUT their child is smart). They want their kids to have SOME talent that's why we run around driving our kids to piano, karate, dancing, hockey, and guitar. And what better way to insure your kids success than to give them a GREAT, ORIGINAL, NOT REGULAR name?

Because while we could all name an awesome Darren (McFadden), Kim (Kardashian), or Amy (Adams), we all somewhere in our lives met a horrible Darren, Kim, or Amy. Maybe Darren was the kid who smoked during lunch and flunked out of your high school; Kim was the girl who had that really big blumpkin ass; and Amy was the girl who had her period on the chair in sixth grade.

But whatever each of these names lives in infamy in our respective minds for, we CANNOT get that out of our heads. And so why would we want to call our daughter for breakfast every morning by a name that reminds us of the kid who was thrown in the trash barrel at lunch in sophomore year?

And so that part, I get. But I wish we could really get over that because all the cutesy Irish names with the hard N sound are making me really sick. And I just wish that everybody realized that their Caleb, Connor, Sophia, and Emma will be the next generations Bob, Brian, Sue, and Nicole. They will be just regular, common names, held by regular, common people (name your next kid Mitch... No one will have it!). Let's just hope for the sake of all the Ava's (the number one name in America for 2008 AND 2007) out there, that Ava doesn't suddenly become slang for fuck.

"See that hottie in the little skirt over there?!? I Ava'ed the SHIT out of her Friday night!"

Because if that happens, it's bye, bye Ava because you've become the new Dick.