Be Kind... Watch It!

Warning: If you hate Michael Gondry (#68 on SWPL), do not read this blog. If you have absolutely no idea who Michael Gondry is, he has directed the films Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chapelle's Block Party. If you have heard of none of these films, know that they are weird, as is the film you are about to read about (especially the first twenty minutes). So with that in mind, feel free to skip this post and read a classic from the archives, like the one about apple picking. You may also skip this post if you hate when I refer to movies as films or if your favorite movie is Gladiator or Fletch or if you are so serious and curmudgeonly that you go around and tell little kids that Santa Claus isn't real.

You are about to get your second consecutive upbeat post. This is a bigger upset than USA 4 CCCP 3.

I have found comedy genius. It is Be Kind Rewind.

We all know my lamenting of the state of film comedy (the woes continue even before I watch the written and produced by Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen Pineapple Express, which runs 130 minutes! Will someone hire these guys an editor!!! Austin Powers ran 94 minutes men!!!), particularly when discussing the recent spate of "wild romps" that seem to hit the theaters every six months. And so it is with great pleasure that I recommend to you all Michael Gondry's Be Kind Rewind. This is the hardest I've laughed since Napoleon Dynamite.

Some of you may have heard of Be Kind Rewind, others may have seen it, and most of you probably heard of it and know the premise, but failed to check it out. You also probably know that it has annoying Jack Black and that rapper dude who showed up as Chappelle's Head of CIA in his Black Bush skit. You need to put your preconceived notions about both of these guys aside. While I love Mos Def (#69 on SWPL!), I loathe Jack Black when he is in something not called High Fidelity. While he is being Jack Blacky for parts of the movie, most of the time you don't notice him because you are laughing at the absolutely incredible writing ("We're gonna get caught... When Ms. Falewicz sees it, she's gonna know it's fake because our version is like twenty minutes") or the preposterous visuals. While I often make grandiose statements about how much I dislike so and so for not liking so and so that I liked, I literally DARE you to not laugh at the Ghostbusters (the copy machine part... MY GOD!!!) scene. You've heard this song before yes, but those five minutes are what great writing and great acting are all about. And there's not a dick reference in sight.

But it is not just the five minutes that are hilarious. Without giving away too much, Be Kind Rewind makes camouflage, collanders, magnetism, illiteracy, negative light, and a shopowners discovery of DVDs absolutely hilarious. It also invents the funniest word I've ever heard; one that I can't wait to start using in my everyday lingo.

But along with being absolutely hysterical, Be Kind Rewind is also a strangely uplifting and inspiring film. Maybe it is the fact that our new President so firmly believes in unity and I buy that, but Be Kind Rewind was powerful. By no means does this movie turn into something it is not advertised as, like the lame comedies Wedding Crashers and Knocked Up, but it does something magical at the end without being at all cheesey. And that made me love it all the more.

While watching Be Kind Rewind, I thought often of The Big Lebowski, not because they are alike (although they have equally hilarious scenes), but because of how they were (are) later viewed. I feel like Be Kind Rewind will follow a similar path to Lebowski as it is a movie that opened with little fanfare and mixed reviews (52 on metacritic), yet will likely be extremely appreciated by people as word of mouth spreads. While it will take ten years to measure this, I truly believe that Be Kind Rewind will be a cult classic.

Be Kind Rewind is ambitious and some criticisms of it are understandable (lengthier clips of their "films" would have been nice), but some of the hatred directed towards it is misguided at best and 100% wrong at worst. Be Kind Rewind will have it's haters. Stupid people who laugh at Scary Movie 2 and flock to see Marley And Me will hate this movie. They are also the same people who find Napoleon unfunny. I don't want to simply call them stupid, but I will say that haters of this movie might have a sense of humor that is not overly... Mature. And like The Coen Brothers almost eleven years ago, Michael Gondry has a built in group of haters who find his work random (Be Kind Rewind is that at times, but not nearly as often as many films are) and overrated. But if people can get past that and past his pretentiousness, they will find a movie that if given the chance, is absolutely hilarious.

I wavered on whether or not to even post this blog as my hype will now ultimately lead to disappointment, but with that said, try not to go in thinking you're watching the second coming of your favorite Seinfeld episode. However, if you love movies, want to laugh, and can be unserious for a bit, this film needs to be seen. Even if you don't laugh (which you will at at a random black dude channeling his inner Sigourney Weaver), you at least have to appreciate Be Kind Rewind, because I really have seen nothing like it in recent cinema.

And until you see it, here's a taste:

Jerry: Walking down the street, and you see a little ghost, what you gonna do about... GHOSTBUSTERS!!! That's the theme to Ghostbusters...

Mike: No it's not...

Jerry: I'm pretty sure it is...

See it. Love it. And don't be so serious all the time.

PS- Running time: 100 minutes...

In Praise Of My Boy

I know that I am a combination baseball/music/movie/jeans/beer elitist. And for years, I wished I could be a literary elitist.

I wished I could sit in in an advanced graduate course at Harvard and discuss A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man and The Sound and The Fury. But I just never could.

One, because I have never read those books and two, because, if I did, I likely wouldn't get them.

And so for a long time, I had this literature envy. I'm not really sure why though because most of the young English teachers I've met (loyal readers not included!) are pretentious tools who probably became English teachers to feel important because they didn't date anyone while in high school (is that why I want to be an English teacher?)

But, after years of therapy, I think I'm done with literature envy. And that's why I can say with the utmost confidence that Chuck Klosterman is beyond awesome.

Those in the literature know would likely poo-poo my boy Chuck because he is A) Not turn of the century and B) Not British.

But there are few contemporary writers like him. While most book snobs wax poetic about dead novelists ("Pushkin so pumps my nads!"), you can still be accepted into the elite world of literature geekdom if you namea living author like Philip Roth or Cormac (Cor-MACK for you uncouth) McCarthy as one of your favorites. But if you drop the names Nick Hornby, Jane Green, or Stephen King at a coffee shop in Cambridge, you just might be shot.

But I am afraid no more. I have no problem admitting that I love "She Drives Me Crazy" and Love Actually, so why shouldn't I admit that my favorite author is a guy who writes essays about Zach Morris and Lloyd Dobler?

My favorite author is Chuck Klosterman and the man is nothing short of genuis.

Recently, I concluded Downtown Owl, his first work of fiction. For the second time. And some days later, I am still wondering how Mitch's little sister is doing and what she might be up to all these years later. I'm wondering if Laidlaw ever got bagged and I want to know if Horace ever forgave himself. I can't say I ever wonder or care what happened to any of the Joads though. And I definitely don't give a flying fuck if Ethan Frome ever got out of his funk or what the hell happened to Pip.

Anytime a writer (song writer, screen writer, author) makes you care about their MADE UP characters, then they have done something right, no? But what also makes Klosterman so amazing is his combination of supremely intelligent wit and total lack of pretentiousness. Like a Family Guy episode, Klosterman makes references that you must be "in the know" to get. But weirdly, they never seem insulting or misplaced. The jokes never run too long or need explaination. Some of this probably has something to do with the fact that the two of us may share brain cells (I really think he'd like me if he met me), but I miss plenty of his references and jokes (he likes 80s hard rock far more than I do). But unlike a Zach Braff witty pop culture reference or a Jim from The Office movie reference, these jokes are always just a wee bit funnier, just a wee bit smarter, and just a whole bit less unforced. As I said, nothing he writes seems out of place, or random. Where people like Zach Braff and Wes Anderson have funny (to them) little vignettes that they like to just randomly throw in to their stories, Klosterman always has an actual story that just happens to have a whole bunch of really funny vignettes thrown into it. That to me is the correct way to create funny.

Chuck is like a combination of unbelievable storytellers. He is the greatest of your story telling pals all rolled into one. He's your drunken Irish uncle, that friend who backpacked by himself through Europe pre email, blog, cell phones, or digital cameras. He's the crazy college guy who was there for seven years (his name was Luds for me), and that guy who frequents the casual encounters list on craigslist. He's got all the great stories. Only he's smarter than than all those story tellers and far more believable. Oh yeah, he's a way better writer than them too.

But Downtown Owl showed that he's more than just a good storyteller with vast knowledge of L.A. Guns albums and a keen eye for the cultural impact of Empire Strikes Back. With his first novel, Chuck shows that he can craft great characters with challenges, strengths, and worries that we can all relate to.

Without giving anything away (but if you like to go in fresh, skip this paragraph), Owl is set in late 1983 and spans just a few months. My boy introduces us to a group of different people living in a tiny town in North Dakota where everyone knows everyone elses business. These people do not know each other personally, but they still know one another via rumor or gossip. And they are all linked by the town they live in and the personal demons and challenges they face.

Klosterman does nothing new, but great writing doesn't always have to do something new. And critics have raised that the book doesn't really have a traditional plot. They are right. It doesn't.

But somehow, Klosterman gets you invested in the characters while also being hilarious (his take on what the twenty students are thinking about during a teacher's interesting lecture is absolutely dead on). He also does something else. He manages to be a guy (shocking revelation) who writes something really funny without having dick jokes, sex jokes, fart jokes, masturbation jokes, or any of the other jokes that males seem to write today. He also didn't write a self help book, a horror story, a legal thriller, a non-fiction piece on the Battle of The Bulge, a book about the 1959 Indiana basketball team, or an inspirational story about who you meet in heaven.

Basically, he wrote an original, funny story that a man hasn't been able to write since Nick Hornby.

Is Klosterman Nick Hornby? No. But I heard one time (in a rejection letter actually) that 87% of all fiction is read by females and thus, a work of fiction by a male author better not be about males, and if it is, it better be about males hunting serial killers.

And so in a day and age where the publishing industry is taking an absolute beating, it's nice to know that there is real talent out there. But more importantly, I hope people realize that there are male writers out there who can write about something other than the Cold War, the 2004 Red Sox, and detectives.

Because there is. His name is Chuck Klosterman.

Read him. And when some stuffwhitepeoplelike white person dumps on your for reading Chuck instead of Kafka, tell them that Chuck's intelligence, humor, and self reflection will bitch slap their pretentiousness anytime.

You rock Chuck.

Absolute Tool

It sure isn't going to be hard hating this guy for the next year.

I know this is going to sound like sour grapes and I'm channeling my inner Molly Leary when I say what I'm about to say, but I never liked Mark Teixeira. And after yesterday's press conference, I fucking hate Mark Teixeira.

The dude is a complete douche bag, tool, loser, chuckah. He's a white (always a big factor in my hatred), pretty boy, tool bag who seems to be overly self important. He's that guy who would be cast in a Vince Vaughn movie as the evil, "other guy," who dates the girl we all want Big T to end up with. I can even picture the tool bag standing next to a handler who is preparing the saddle of a horse "Tex" is about to go riding on. He is outside the barn with his Crest White Strip smile basking in the sun, wearing a yellow polo shirt tucked into pleated khakis, with a navy blue sweater tied around his shoulders.

Tool Tex is everything I hate and Bostonians, he is everything you should hate too. He is the anti- Manny, the anti-Pedro, the anti-Paul Pierce, the anti-Randy Moss. Hell, he isn't even as cool as Jeter and Damon. At least they date Maraiah Carey and make outrageous quotes about Jesus Christ being "awesome." This kills me to say, but Tool Tex can only WISH he were Gisele-toting Tom Brady.

Tool Tex is the anti cool. Actually, he's the anti interesting. If you knew this guy personally and I asked you what he brings to the table, what would you have for me? There's no bloviating blog, no straight cash homey, no fur coat in the dugout, no drunken pictures of him hanging out in Northeastern dorm rooms, no picture with a huge titted girlfriend (you go Tim Tebow!). And on top of it all, he's a pussy whipped little bitch (my wife wanted to go to New York... Hee, hee... I'm such a family guy!).

I mean, would any of you EVER be friends with this guy?!? What has he ever said or done that you have liked?

Basically, Tool Tex is everything that I despise in athletes. He is what most people LOVE about athletes (and THAT subject needs to be it's own post), but he is not what I love. He says and does ALL the right things, he plays "hard" (my favorite trait as you all know), he plays hurt, and he has put up gaudy offensive numbers. He says nothing outlandish, he'll look great on the cover of any team's program, and he has just enough "aw shucks" attitude to make everyone believe that he is this great guy who really cares about his team, the game, and most importantly, his beloved fans. There will be no fake hamstring injuries with Tool Tex, no sound bites about plunking the Bambino on the ass, no guarantees of a World Series win, no anal rapes in Colorado hotels. He is all that white fans love about our athletes.

But I'm telling you right now... Don't be fooled. Because Tool Tex will have a meltdown in the Big Apple. And I'll love it.

Now, I know this sounds stupid given the numbers he puts up. He hits for power, plays great defense, takes his walks, and is never hurt. He has also never finished higher than seventh in the MVP balloting and to quote my boy Shaq, he has won everywhere but college and the pros. Yes, he was mired on a pathetic Texas team for years, but he has also played for short periods of time on playoff contending teams as well. And did he carry Atlanta and the Angels to playoff victories like this really cool Dominican guy with a Predator hair cut did for the Dodgers? When have you ever seen/heard him take over a game? I keep hearing that he hit .470 in the playoffs this past fall, but people fail to mention that that .470 average drove in one whole run and was also made up of seven singles, zero doubles, zero triples, and zero home runs. Does this guy sound like another guy you know? A certain someone who he was once teammates with and will now be teammates with again? Because he sure does to me. Yes, he sounds like... Wait for it... A-Rod.

Tool Tex will be the new A-Rod. Complete with once hot, Skeletor looking, 50 year old pop princess (Mariah Carey in ten years maybe?!?). And when he is, please remember that you heard it here first.

I know that sounds outrageous (and I also know that being compared to A-Rod is not exactly unflattering), but does anyone remember the numbers A-Rod put up before he came to New York?!? His numbers make Tool Tex look like Trot Nixon in his best year. And while A-Rod hasn't won anything either, his numbers DWARF Tool Tex's. Yet A-Rod is still loathed in New York and is seen as a complete failure, despite carrying the Yanks for weeks at a time on several occassions during his five years in the Bronx. A-Rod has put up huge offensive numbers in New York, yet hasn't won anything. Tool Tex could do his usual .290, 35, 120 thing in New York, but will he be a winner? Will he be a superstar? He might be, but to me he has just never screamed... Superstar.

And don't ever forget this:

"The statistics will be there, but this is not a player who will make anyone else on the team better," said a former teammate of Teixeira's. "The numbers indicate an elite player, but if you watch him every day you will realize he is a very good player, not elite."

Who knows which teammate this and if it is true, but that is ALWAYS the sense I have gotten with Tool Tex. The numbers are there, but baseball is a long season and when you are damn good, you'll pile up numbers. But what happens when it goes south?

And, oh, how I will love for it to go south. It will be so pleasing because his uber annoying pretty boy image and I-say-all-the-right-things persona will be so fun to see collapse. With any luck, he'll have a Ryan Leaf like meltdown or two. We can only hope.

When it does happen, it will be fun to say that I liked Pearl Jam first AND I hated Mark Teixeira first. I can't wait for April 24th when the Yankees come to town. While you are all booing A-Rod, Damon, and Jeter, I'll be hating on Frat Boy Tool Tex. Now if the Sox could only get Prince Fielder as a response, then I'd be REALLY happy.