Of Monsters And Ghosts; Steroids And Cheating; Bar And Hotness; And Facebook

So this is going to sound ridiculous and I'm having a lot of trouble expressing my opinion clearly, but the use of steroids in baseball is NOT cheating. Cheating is the wrong word. I'm not sure what the right word is, but here's my logic: The using of anabolic steroids- yes, I understand they are an illegal drug- was not OUTLAWED by major league baseball while it was happening. In fact, baseball may have loved it. The Sosa/McGwire home run chase saved baseball post strike and fans were turning out in record numbers during the "steroid era" (such a stupid name by the way), so clearly, these same fans that are crying now about "cheating" were NOT crying then. Maybe we were all naive and convinced ourselves it wasn't happening, but it was. And it probably happens in every sport. Yeah, we can be outraged and hurt, but millions of dollars are at stake for these players and any edge they can gain, they WILL gain. Particularly when their sport says that steroids are NOT illegal. Again, I understand the outrage, given the historical pedestal we put baseball on (and I like that by the way- it's the only sport where you can talk about players from different eras and NOT have it be a ridiculously stupid conversation), but it's not cheating. I guess I think of cheating as something that is deliberately and knowingly done by a person who KNOWS that they are cheating (dealing off the bottom of the deck, lying about your golf score, pretending you hid a five hundred under the board in Monopoly as a "savings"). While these guys KNEW they were taking an illegal drug, the sport they played said it was okay, so why not do it....?

Down year for movies was 2008. There were a lot of solid films and nothing I loathed like Juno and Little Miss Sunshine, but in comparison to recent best picture nominees like Sideways, Million Dollar Baby, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men and should have been nominee United 93, 2008 just didn't make the grade. I have been happy to see that some critics agree. That said, Slumdog is awesome. So is The Wrestler. They take genres I usually loathe (feel good flicks, sports movies) and do a great job with them. And there's somethng to be said for that. My guilty pleasure pick for '08 though was Cloverfield. I wish more horror movies were like that.....

Mark down June 4th on your calendar. TV On The Radio. That will be a good two weeks for me because in case you haven't heard, this band I like is playing May 23rd...

Speaking of live music, Coldplay's awesomeness kind of makes me want to make the trek down to TVFKAGW (The Venue Formerly Known As Great Woods) for the first time in som ten years.....

Somervillians and Cambridgians. Please. I'm begging you. Get off your fucking bikes. It's snowing and 7 degrees out. I'll buy you The Charlie Card...

Okay, so KG is out three weeks. It could be worse. When the injury first happened, I thought it was the dreaded ruptured achilles (I have a zen like ability to guess
when a player has the ruptured achilles. At first I thought it was because I had the closest thing to that, but then I realized tha I could tell it was a ruptured achilles by the fact that Player X was writhing around on the ground holding his achilles), but it appears to be a less than major knee issue. Keep in mind, he missed nine games last year, which is about three weeks and I think we know how things played out for last years Celtics. My boys P Squared and Ray Ray will step it up though, don't you worry. I say they go 8-3 without him.....

The antithesis of these Celtics might be your 2009 Boston Red Sox. Seriously, is there a more boring team in sport? Their infield on most nights will be Varitek, Youk, Pedroia, Lowrie, and Lowell. Or, The All Gerard Hate Them Because They Are So Goddman White And Boring Team. It's going to be tough to watch and root for them every night.....

Flight Of The Conchords continues to dominate television. It is so funny ("that's quite an accent you got there Kevina") and so original that it is getting to the point where I might not be able to be friends with you if you don't like the show. And even better, it helped me to understand Donny Marshall's "kiwi" reference he made in regards to a New Zealand born hoop player the other day. See, I don't have to travel the world to be cultured. All I have to do is watch trendy HBO TV shows that poseurs like me can blog about.....

So, I was thinking of making this a separate post and I may yet do that, but it will bring about considerable ire when I do so and I don't know if I'm in the mood to defend myself, but I've got some problems with Facebook. Firstly, I'm not on it because I don't need the drama, but I must admit being somewhat fascinated by it. However, here's my major beef with it: People lie about why they like it. They say it allows them to "keep in touch with people." C'Mon folks. Are you REALLY going to lie to yorselves like that? Here's why people have a Facebook: To look into the lives of "old" friends and to give people the opportunity to talk about themselves (no one cares that you're tired today!). The first part is self explanatoy, but what I mean by the second part is that Facebook gives us all the chance to participate in our favorite collective past time: One upping each other. We can post pictures of ourselves in the south of France, discuss our awesome jobs, display our ecclectic tastes in music or movies, or list our numerous degrees. And that's fine. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. But I would prefer it if people stopped calling it a "social networking" site. It is a place to talk about yourself, end of conversation. I mean, who would ever create a page on the internet about themselves, their thoughts, and their opinions?!? So arrogant.....

So I'm driving down the highway the other day and I pass a Spag's truck!!! What the fuck?!? That store still exists?!? I remember their god awful commercials from like 25 years ago. They are still in business? Where are they located? And what the hell do they even sell? And why didn't Bear Stearns steal their business plan?!? Worst economy in four score and fucking Spag's is still in existence. Unbelievable.....

While on the subject of advanced degrees, head over to Bukowski's some Tuesday night around 11. That is the night the Harvard Business School guys go in for post class drinks (the waitress informed me of such). Stumbled in there after a movie the other night and thought I was in the Bizarro Star Wars Cantina. Instead of everyone being from a different planet, it looked like they were all from the same parents. 6'3", good lucking, fit, well dressed, and surpremely obnoxious (complete with a guy who WAS the clone of the Jewish dude in Bolier Room kicking in the headlight of a random car). I didn't know whether to kill them or kill myself. I probably would have went with killing myself though because after they all got done beating me up, they probably would have beat me at Jeopardy! and Scrabble!. But hey, at least I can beat them at... NHL 95 maybe.....?

So I'm trying a new stategy in Fantasy basbeall this year since I haven't won since 1997 (That's a net loss of about $4800) and that strategy is to not read a single stupid fantasy magazine or web site. I can't take the guys they "hype" and the sleepers they tell me to pick who then spend the year sleeping statistically. Yet another reason why I need Dr. Emmet Brown and his DeLorean time machine: So I can hit the pedal to 88 and go back to about 1994 and write a fantasy magazine where I make up the stats of a guy. I can say he is going to do the next year without having any scientific proof of those predictions whatsoever and it'll sell tons of copies....

Got into a fun discussion with my bro and some of his friends the other night about scary movies and where we come down on them. It appears you are either scared by the ghost concept or the monster concept. The insane killer briefly entered the conversation and they can be scary particularly when it is a film like The Strangers, but for too many of these insane killer movies, the killer is an indestructible man who walks faster than Usain Bolt runs. So we leveled it down to ghost and monster movies and the type that scares you is the one that you find more plausible. So, with that in mind, what is more plausible, cave dwelling creatures or a little girls who walks out of your TV? C'mon now people... It's cave dwelling monsters in a landslide. That's why The Descent is the best horror move ever....

I'll see the G.I. Joe movie. I hope it is as good as some of the cartoon episodes though.....

The four songs that NEED to be on rock band are "Blank Slate" by You Know Who, The Killer's version of "Shadowplay", "7/4 (Shoreline)" by Broken Social Scene, and Ion Square" by Bloc Party. And here's why: Each song has a ridiculous mini jam that would be so fun to rock out to. They are awesome little jams that are not overly long, like a Slash guitar solo. Don't believe me? Go to the 5:10 mark of "Ion Square," the 3:11 mark of 7/4, the 2:59 mark of "Shadowplay," and the 1:51 mark of "Blank Slate." You'll feel like a air guitar god rocking out to these in your car or bedroom.....

I try to keep this apolitical, but here's why I am a democrat: Because republicans are awful people. It is a fct that we have the worst economic crisis in 80 years and republicans are UNANIMOUSLY voting against a stimulus package because it was created by the rock star democratic president they despise. On the other hand, democrats always voted for the War In Iraq and funding for troops... Because it was the right thing to do. No one understands partisan poitics better than me and I rooted against the last administration with a Michael Moore fervor at some points, but the stubbornness on display right now is disgraceful. Let that nonsense stay with the Michael Moore's of the world. I thought REAL politicans were above that stuff (as dems were during the Iraq War votes), but leave it to the worthless republicans to be their usual worthless selves.....

Bar Rafaeli, congratulations. You've cracked my top five. And what has been really fun about this is that some girls have been hating on her. My sister said she "might be the hottest girl at Whiskey Park." Sure, and girls love other girls, just as I've always said.....

The rest of the Top 5? It's always changing and it probably needs to be like a top 150, but Megan Fox is obviously there. Miranda Kerr would be too. Brooke Burke might make it there for nostalgia purposes. Then it's probably Rachel Bilson because I think she'd like me if she met me. I have nothing to base this on, other than my insanity.....

A dark horse candidate has ALWAYS been Kelly Monaco. Loved her since she showed up on DWTS.....

Okay, here are my predictions... Best Pic: Slumdog; Best Actor: Penn; Best Actress: Winslet; Best Supporting Actress: Penlope Cruz; Best Supporting Actor: Heath (bold prediction there); Best Director: Danny Boyle. And I like to think I know something about movies andI probably THINK I know more than I actually DO, but if Slumdog DOESN'T win for Best Editing, then I know absolutely nothing about film.....

Finally, big congrats to my friends Waidehi and Steve on the birth of their beautiful daughter, Leela. Also, congrats to my boy Brennan on his engagement to Andrea. They are two couples that I respect and I truly believe have found their partner's for life. One of these days, I will call them all and congratulate them verbally. That will probably be the same day that I turn into a good kid.....

And if you have absolutey nothing to do (and I mean nothing... If Hoosiers or Pale Rider is on and you just opened a bottle of wine, that's a way, WAY btter option) next Saturday, February 28th at 5:30 and you feel like taking a drive to Ipswich High School, there is this one act play being performed as part of a competition. The play, titled PS was co-written by my good friend Dave McLoughlin and some middle aged guy who writes a blog named after a quote from a dated Vince Vaughn flick. Don't expect Good Will Hunting people. In fact, if this thing is even thismuch better than Xanadu, I'll be immensely pleased. You know what? I should probably get on Facebook and tell eveyone about this, shouldn't I?

MAY 23rd!!!!!

Yup, The House of Blues. Tickets go on sale Saturday. Come one, come all. It's a Saturday. It's the spring. It'll be the best night of music you've ever experienced. Seriously. I'll pay for your ticket if you disagree. I literally can't function thinking about it. I hope I don't get hit by a bus before then.

84 days and counting... Here's a sample (but I saved "Mr. November" and "Fake Empire" because I really feel like you need to see them in person and just be overwhelmed) ...



And another...



Okay, just one more...

28: The New Mid Life Crisis

I like Valentine's Day. Mostly because it afford me the opportunity to talk about one of my favorite subjects.

Relationships.

One would think that someone who enjoys discussing relationships as much as I do would be good at them. But I am not. There is an infinite list of people who will confirm that (one has been an occassional guest commenter right here on this very site). But hey, at least I am pretty good at picking out gifts. No gift cards here. i even know sizes and styles. Must be that sexual ambiguity that makes me so good at this.

But anyways, I love discussing relationships. And with February 14th approaching. I was afforded the opportunity recently to discuss relationships. And my favorite subject came up.

The Magic 28 Theory.

Creative, the name isn't. And scientifically proven, the theory has not been, but it's right.

Before I get to The Magic 28 Theory, we all know that the divorce rate is 50% in America. A quick google search (what did we do pre-google? That needs to be some sort of historical abbreviation. Like BC and AD, we need a BG and AG) of marital studies say that the frequently cited reasons for divorce are: Lack of commitment to the marriage, lack of communication between spouses, infidelity, alcohol addiction, substance abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, inability to manage or resolve conflict, differences in personal and career goals financial problems, different expectations about household tasks (this is my favorite one), different expectations about having or rearing children, interference from parents or in-laws (hilarious), lack of maturity, intellectual incompatibility, sexual incompatibility, religious conversion or religious beliefs, cultural and lifestyle differences, inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies (imagine telling your husband/wife, "I'm leaving you because you eat your peas one at a time."), criminal behavior and incarceration for crime.

While all of these are valid and reasonable (particularly incarceration) explanations for divorce, the real reason why everyone gets divorced is much more simple.

We marry the wrong person.

Often we marry the wrong person because we panic. And this panic usually sets in right around... The age of 28. Because when we are this age and single, it seems that everyone around said us is either A) married or B) getting married. And because all of the people surrounding us are in one of these two situations, we decide that it is also time for us to get married. Partner be damned.

But why 28 you ask. Why not 26 or 30?

At 26, you are still young enough to "find someone" and enjoy singledom. It seems that you have your whole life to partner up (but really, society says you only have two years). So 26 is too young.

And 30? Isn't that a tough age for everyone?

Well, at thirty, you are over being... 28. And so you have a bit more confidence and a bit more of an ability to realize, "yes, I can do this."

You've ikely been paying rent for awhile, managing your student loans, making a car payment, and pretty much manuevering through the rolling sea that is life. I'm not saying you have it all figured out at 30, but you are somewhat more aware of yourself and maybe even more comfortable with yourself (at what age will I be comfortable with my abs and teeth?).

But at 28? You have nothing figured out. And to make matters worse, society says you should because... Well, because everybody does, don't they?

But we don't.

And that's why at this Magic 28 Age, we marry whatever might be convenient. We do this for a variety of reasons, but the main reason we get married at 28 is the pressure. Even though we have progressed enough as a society to put a black man in The White House, we haven't progressed enough to tell people (particularly women) that it is okay to be over 28 and unmarried. And that is flabbergasting because we spend our whole lives telling our students and children that we should find true love. Think about it...

From the youngest of ages, we smack people around with the idea of love. Be it Barbie and Ken (even they broke up) or Luke and Laura (their wedding is only relevant to people my age and older), we are given the ideas and images of relationships almost as soon as we can read. From there, we are hit with all manner of relationship mumbo jumbo, be it movies (Can't Buy Me Love showed me that I couldn't buy one), periodicals (read the cover of Seventeen the next time you are in CVS), or CW television shows until we graduate to the biggest day in our relationship existence: The prom.

From there, we move to college where we experience all manner of "relationships" (there is so much I could say right here, but because of my lack of professional status at LHS, I'll refrain but for this: What is the status of a relationship when the central entrance is a window?). It is in fact the frequent matra of college kids to not WANT a relationship because, you know... It's college.

And after college, we pretty much continue the same behavior because, you know, we just... Graduated from college. Some of us find meaningful relationships in college and some of us even decide to marry those college girlfriends or boyfriends (personal experience tells me this is not a good idea), but for many of us, the post college experience is a time to enjoy life as if you were in college only with earlier wake-ups, fewer papers, and more money.

During the years between 0-27, many of us are single for good stretches of time and save for the prom night you were dateless and listening to The Cure and plotting ways to kill ourselves, we are pretty much okay with it. In fact, some of us LOVE singledom, particularly when we FINALLY make that decision to pitch that bitch/dickhead.

And why do we have no problem with being single between the ages of 0-27? Because absolutely everyone around us and more importanly the ENTIRE AMERICAN CULTURE/SOCIETY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH ANYONE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 0-27 BEING SINGLE!!!

Think about it. Everyone supports you when you are single at those ages. When you go crying to your guidance counselor (this is the only time they do work by the way ;)) about getting dumped, they tell you, "it's okay... You'll find someone else." When you get pitched in college, your friends say, "you were way too good for him anyways." And when you break up with your post college girlfriend, people say, "dude, she was kind of a bitch... And also, I never told you this but... She was kinda a butterface."

Whoa, sorry. I think it is just me who heard that one.

Anyways, we are totally, utterly, and completed supported when we are single for those 27 years. Sure, there are some nights when we feel left out because all of our friends are out with their significant others, but there was always those one, two, or three guys/girls we could hang out with, even if it meant scrolling through your phone to your group of second tier friends.

But all of a sudden, when 28 hits, you HAVE to find someone.

You can feel it creeping in at 27 and the fact that you have a wedding every other weekend (seriously, do you remember how many weddings you had at that age?!? At 35, I've been to three weddings in the last four years) sure MAKES it seem like that you HAVE to find someone, doesn't it?

But you don't.

Only there is no one telling you that you DON'T have to find someone. In fact, the direct opposite begins to happen. You start scrolling match.com and wonder if 8 Minute Dating is for you. You REALLY like the guy your friend says you should meet because, wow, he likes ice cream and the beach JUST LIKE YOU!!!

And then you convince yourself that maybe your standards are a bit too high and that you probably shoud have given that guy with the tassels on his shoes one more date because MAYBE you would have developed feelings for him (what the hell does this mean by the way?!? Humans can tell within approximately four seconds if they want to be with someone... Either you want to have crazy wild sex with them or you don't. Sexual attraction doesn't "develop." Just ask the Tennis Girl from UMass. Regardless of how charming I was, she wasn't going to sleep with my Masshole self.).

It's painful and while I wish we were strong enough to fight this and be confident in our singledom, but not all of us are. And the reason we can't be is that sociaty absolutely does not let us feel confident about being 28+ and being single. Oh, Sex And The City tried, but it was too outnumbered by the Wedding Section at Barnes And Noble, biological clocks, and preposterous garbage like Bride Wars. In fact, didn't Sex And The City end with a marriage?!? Even that caved.

And by the way, this may sound like I am only talking about women, but I'm not. Guys are just as bad, just as self conscious, just as scared of being alone. But instead of wedding movies to motivate us to get married, we have Fat Guy With Pretty Girl sitcoms to motivate us to get married. You guys have dress shopping and menu selection to get you excited for the prospect of marriage, we men have a weekly card game with our four buddies to get us excited for marriage.

My point? As Valentines Day approaches, I know that it is not easy to be 28+ and single. But it's also okay. Maybe nobody has told you that. I sometimes think that nobody told me it was okay because they were strangely envious of what I had. Not that they were jealous of the fact that I was a "swinging single," but jealous of the fact that I could be strong enough to be in my 30s and be by myself. I always had the sense that some people (not everyone mind you) wished they could do it too. Be alone and be comfortable with it.

Because you should be comfortable with it.

Because it's okay.

I mean, you could be having dinner with tassel shoe boy this weekend, right? And how is that better than getting really drunk (read: Are you alone this Valentines Day? Four words. Best. Singles. Night. Ever.) with a couple friends and then going home and watching Love Actually?

It isn't.

And I wish more people told us this.

Could I Have Soda, Seven, Or Even Apple Please?!?

I ought to make some enemies with this one.

But I can't take it anymore.

I absolutely despise the baby names selected by my generational peers.

I mean I despise them. REALLY despise them. More than bicyclists and anal fissures.

I'm not sure when I first noticed this and why it bothers me so much. Like anything that others like, why can't I just let it go? As I have morphed into middle age, I have let the inane actions, interests, and habits of others annoy me much less frequently. Sure, the movie going habits of America fascinates me and the love that still exists for things like 24, 80s comedies, classic rock, and Bill Belichick annoy me beyond belief.

But for the most part, I can let stuff go now. While James Petterson books, Ugg Boots, and chain restaurants certainly aren't for me, I understand the appeal/ease/practicality of them all.

But I cannot excuse the baby names. I want to. I try to. But I cannot.

I've tried to understand why the annoy me so much. Is it the type of person who would name their kid Jaxson (#6 on the list of 2008 Most Popular Boy Names) that annoys me? Is it the fact that The Hills is now not only influencing fashion, but names (Brody is #45 on the list)? Or is it the fact that an Eric Clapton song is the best my generation can do for inspiration (Layla: #24)?

Whatever it is, I can't take it.

But more to the point, how can OTHERS take it? Where is the outrage? Where is the anger? Where is the originality of my generational peers that I love and respect so much? We are so many things. We are great actors like Pitt, Leo, Depp, and Tiffani Amber Thiessen. We are great musicians like The National, Coldplay, and the guy who sang "Here Comes The Hotstepper." We wrote Twilight, Harry Potter, and that really great book where if you think it, it will happen.

We are the same people that made TV On The Radio's Dear Scientist the album of the year in Spin AND Rolling Stone. We are the generation that created Lost, Seven, the Scene It? board game, google, all those awesome VW commericals, and The BK Triple Stacker. We elected the first black president, the first female Speaker of the House, and we got Donald Rumsfeld fired. We perfected texting, inventing beer funnelling, and took drinking games to a new level. We are great.

Except when it comes to names.

We (and I mean the collective, societal, we) seem to only like very specific names.

For example, we love names that end in an nnn sound. Be it Aiden (your #1 ladies and gentlemen), Ethan (#2), Kaden (#4), Brayden (#6), Landon (#8), Madelyn (#3), Caitlin (#13), Addison (#14), Benjamin (#12), Gavin (#15), or Tristan (#19), we really seem to love that hard N sound and I'm not sure why.

We have also taken a liking to biblical names (I blame the stupid south for this) like Elijah (#17), Gabriel (#16), Jacob (#7), and Noah (#3). Is this because so many of us Gen Xers struggle with religion and what it means to us and so this is how we make up? Or do we just like guys with wizard beards who like to ride around in big boats with multiple sets of animals?

And then there's the girls names. Now, I know that it is pretty much only women who read fiction, but do they only read Harlequin Romance novels? Because when I see names like Bella, Peyton, Scarlett, and Charlotte, all I can think of is these women in mid 19th century garb getting pounded by the chimney sweeper's purple headed warrior in a field of barley.

Or perhaps the stripper culture- which has made Jenna Jameson a household name- has so infested our society that we think Ruby, Brooklyn, Aurora, Jazmine, and Izabella (all in the top 50) are all acceptable names? Do the parents of these daughters WANT to see their girls swinging around on a pole in 18 years as Warrant's "Cherry Pie" booms from the speakers? Because you are pretty much choosing your destiny for your daughter when you drop Aurora on her shortly after she fires out of the birth canal. Hopefully, the parents were just big Foo Fighters fans, but I'm not holding my breath.

And when we are not dropping stripper or bible names on our kids, we seem to like the names of people from Arthur Miller plays (Abigail: #5), curmudgeonly British bands (Liam: #9), Matt Damon and Ben Affleck movies (Will: #21), and MTV Shows (Aubrey: #15). We also get influences from JD Salinger (Holden. Are people aware he's narrating from a loony bin?), Milwaukee Brewer first basemen (Cooper), state capitals (Austin), Peanuts Cartoons (Lucy), and Roger Clemens (Kole, Kadence, Kaden... Why does everyone love strikeouts so much?!?).

And when we're out of inspiration, we make stuff up like Colton (is that an engine part?), Fynn, and Asher (did they think that former A List Guy on Punk'd whose now married to a coug was Asher, not Ashton?)

Of course, I understand that people want to be different. That much is obvious. I also understand that as we age, we find "old" names to be hilarious and at times, unusable (at my uncle's funeral a couple of weeks ago, we found out that my uncle through marriage had a sister named Priscilla whom everybody called Pussy... True story. Even my mother laughed.), but isn't there some sort of compromise? While I anticipate that Blanche will never return and that Dick (my middle name btw) has been retired for good, what ever happened to Tom, Matt, Brian, Kevin, Jen, Sarah, or Lauren? Or even the less heard, but still popular names of our youth like Derek and Leslie? Where did those go? Are they so awful? Or are they just so... Regular.

And I think that's it. My generational peers (who are now more educated, more wealthy, more aware) don't want their kids to be... Heaven forbid... REGULAR! Everyone wants their kid to be talking first, pottying first, or reading first (Yes Petey and Paula Parent, we understand your child is so smart... We've never heard anyone say anything BUT their child is smart). They want their kids to have SOME talent that's why we run around driving our kids to piano, karate, dancing, hockey, and guitar. And what better way to insure your kids success than to give them a GREAT, ORIGINAL, NOT REGULAR name?

Because while we could all name an awesome Darren (McFadden), Kim (Kardashian), or Amy (Adams), we all somewhere in our lives met a horrible Darren, Kim, or Amy. Maybe Darren was the kid who smoked during lunch and flunked out of your high school; Kim was the girl who had that really big blumpkin ass; and Amy was the girl who had her period on the chair in sixth grade.

But whatever each of these names lives in infamy in our respective minds for, we CANNOT get that out of our heads. And so why would we want to call our daughter for breakfast every morning by a name that reminds us of the kid who was thrown in the trash barrel at lunch in sophomore year?

And so that part, I get. But I wish we could really get over that because all the cutesy Irish names with the hard N sound are making me really sick. And I just wish that everybody realized that their Caleb, Connor, Sophia, and Emma will be the next generations Bob, Brian, Sue, and Nicole. They will be just regular, common names, held by regular, common people (name your next kid Mitch... No one will have it!). Let's just hope for the sake of all the Ava's (the number one name in America for 2008 AND 2007) out there, that Ava doesn't suddenly become slang for fuck.

"See that hottie in the little skirt over there?!? I Ava'ed the SHIT out of her Friday night!"

Because if that happens, it's bye, bye Ava because you've become the new Dick.

Be Kind... Watch It!

Warning: If you hate Michael Gondry (#68 on SWPL), do not read this blog. If you have absolutely no idea who Michael Gondry is, he has directed the films Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chapelle's Block Party. If you have heard of none of these films, know that they are weird, as is the film you are about to read about (especially the first twenty minutes). So with that in mind, feel free to skip this post and read a classic from the archives, like the one about apple picking. You may also skip this post if you hate when I refer to movies as films or if your favorite movie is Gladiator or Fletch or if you are so serious and curmudgeonly that you go around and tell little kids that Santa Claus isn't real.

You are about to get your second consecutive upbeat post. This is a bigger upset than USA 4 CCCP 3.

I have found comedy genius. It is Be Kind Rewind.

We all know my lamenting of the state of film comedy (the woes continue even before I watch the written and produced by Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen Pineapple Express, which runs 130 minutes! Will someone hire these guys an editor!!! Austin Powers ran 94 minutes men!!!), particularly when discussing the recent spate of "wild romps" that seem to hit the theaters every six months. And so it is with great pleasure that I recommend to you all Michael Gondry's Be Kind Rewind. This is the hardest I've laughed since Napoleon Dynamite.

Some of you may have heard of Be Kind Rewind, others may have seen it, and most of you probably heard of it and know the premise, but failed to check it out. You also probably know that it has annoying Jack Black and that rapper dude who showed up as Chappelle's Head of CIA in his Black Bush skit. You need to put your preconceived notions about both of these guys aside. While I love Mos Def (#69 on SWPL!), I loathe Jack Black when he is in something not called High Fidelity. While he is being Jack Blacky for parts of the movie, most of the time you don't notice him because you are laughing at the absolutely incredible writing ("We're gonna get caught... When Ms. Falewicz sees it, she's gonna know it's fake because our version is like twenty minutes") or the preposterous visuals. While I often make grandiose statements about how much I dislike so and so for not liking so and so that I liked, I literally DARE you to not laugh at the Ghostbusters (the copy machine part... MY GOD!!!) scene. You've heard this song before yes, but those five minutes are what great writing and great acting are all about. And there's not a dick reference in sight.

But it is not just the five minutes that are hilarious. Without giving away too much, Be Kind Rewind makes camouflage, collanders, magnetism, illiteracy, negative light, and a shopowners discovery of DVDs absolutely hilarious. It also invents the funniest word I've ever heard; one that I can't wait to start using in my everyday lingo.

But along with being absolutely hysterical, Be Kind Rewind is also a strangely uplifting and inspiring film. Maybe it is the fact that our new President so firmly believes in unity and I buy that, but Be Kind Rewind was powerful. By no means does this movie turn into something it is not advertised as, like the lame comedies Wedding Crashers and Knocked Up, but it does something magical at the end without being at all cheesey. And that made me love it all the more.

While watching Be Kind Rewind, I thought often of The Big Lebowski, not because they are alike (although they have equally hilarious scenes), but because of how they were (are) later viewed. I feel like Be Kind Rewind will follow a similar path to Lebowski as it is a movie that opened with little fanfare and mixed reviews (52 on metacritic), yet will likely be extremely appreciated by people as word of mouth spreads. While it will take ten years to measure this, I truly believe that Be Kind Rewind will be a cult classic.

Be Kind Rewind is ambitious and some criticisms of it are understandable (lengthier clips of their "films" would have been nice), but some of the hatred directed towards it is misguided at best and 100% wrong at worst. Be Kind Rewind will have it's haters. Stupid people who laugh at Scary Movie 2 and flock to see Marley And Me will hate this movie. They are also the same people who find Napoleon unfunny. I don't want to simply call them stupid, but I will say that haters of this movie might have a sense of humor that is not overly... Mature. And like The Coen Brothers almost eleven years ago, Michael Gondry has a built in group of haters who find his work random (Be Kind Rewind is that at times, but not nearly as often as many films are) and overrated. But if people can get past that and past his pretentiousness, they will find a movie that if given the chance, is absolutely hilarious.

I wavered on whether or not to even post this blog as my hype will now ultimately lead to disappointment, but with that said, try not to go in thinking you're watching the second coming of your favorite Seinfeld episode. However, if you love movies, want to laugh, and can be unserious for a bit, this film needs to be seen. Even if you don't laugh (which you will at at a random black dude channeling his inner Sigourney Weaver), you at least have to appreciate Be Kind Rewind, because I really have seen nothing like it in recent cinema.

And until you see it, here's a taste:

Jerry: Walking down the street, and you see a little ghost, what you gonna do about... GHOSTBUSTERS!!! That's the theme to Ghostbusters...

Mike: No it's not...

Jerry: I'm pretty sure it is...

See it. Love it. And don't be so serious all the time.

PS- Running time: 100 minutes...

In Praise Of My Boy

I know that I am a combination baseball/music/movie/jeans/beer elitist. And for years, I wished I could be a literary elitist.

I wished I could sit in in an advanced graduate course at Harvard and discuss A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man and The Sound and The Fury. But I just never could.

One, because I have never read those books and two, because, if I did, I likely wouldn't get them.

And so for a long time, I had this literature envy. I'm not really sure why though because most of the young English teachers I've met (loyal readers not included!) are pretentious tools who probably became English teachers to feel important because they didn't date anyone while in high school (is that why I want to be an English teacher?)

But, after years of therapy, I think I'm done with literature envy. And that's why I can say with the utmost confidence that Chuck Klosterman is beyond awesome.

Those in the literature know would likely poo-poo my boy Chuck because he is A) Not turn of the century and B) Not British.

But there are few contemporary writers like him. While most book snobs wax poetic about dead novelists ("Pushkin so pumps my nads!"), you can still be accepted into the elite world of literature geekdom if you namea living author like Philip Roth or Cormac (Cor-MACK for you uncouth) McCarthy as one of your favorites. But if you drop the names Nick Hornby, Jane Green, or Stephen King at a coffee shop in Cambridge, you just might be shot.

But I am afraid no more. I have no problem admitting that I love "She Drives Me Crazy" and Love Actually, so why shouldn't I admit that my favorite author is a guy who writes essays about Zach Morris and Lloyd Dobler?

My favorite author is Chuck Klosterman and the man is nothing short of genuis.

Recently, I concluded Downtown Owl, his first work of fiction. For the second time. And some days later, I am still wondering how Mitch's little sister is doing and what she might be up to all these years later. I'm wondering if Laidlaw ever got bagged and I want to know if Horace ever forgave himself. I can't say I ever wonder or care what happened to any of the Joads though. And I definitely don't give a flying fuck if Ethan Frome ever got out of his funk or what the hell happened to Pip.

Anytime a writer (song writer, screen writer, author) makes you care about their MADE UP characters, then they have done something right, no? But what also makes Klosterman so amazing is his combination of supremely intelligent wit and total lack of pretentiousness. Like a Family Guy episode, Klosterman makes references that you must be "in the know" to get. But weirdly, they never seem insulting or misplaced. The jokes never run too long or need explaination. Some of this probably has something to do with the fact that the two of us may share brain cells (I really think he'd like me if he met me), but I miss plenty of his references and jokes (he likes 80s hard rock far more than I do). But unlike a Zach Braff witty pop culture reference or a Jim from The Office movie reference, these jokes are always just a wee bit funnier, just a wee bit smarter, and just a whole bit less unforced. As I said, nothing he writes seems out of place, or random. Where people like Zach Braff and Wes Anderson have funny (to them) little vignettes that they like to just randomly throw in to their stories, Klosterman always has an actual story that just happens to have a whole bunch of really funny vignettes thrown into it. That to me is the correct way to create funny.

Chuck is like a combination of unbelievable storytellers. He is the greatest of your story telling pals all rolled into one. He's your drunken Irish uncle, that friend who backpacked by himself through Europe pre email, blog, cell phones, or digital cameras. He's the crazy college guy who was there for seven years (his name was Luds for me), and that guy who frequents the casual encounters list on craigslist. He's got all the great stories. Only he's smarter than than all those story tellers and far more believable. Oh yeah, he's a way better writer than them too.

But Downtown Owl showed that he's more than just a good storyteller with vast knowledge of L.A. Guns albums and a keen eye for the cultural impact of Empire Strikes Back. With his first novel, Chuck shows that he can craft great characters with challenges, strengths, and worries that we can all relate to.

Without giving anything away (but if you like to go in fresh, skip this paragraph), Owl is set in late 1983 and spans just a few months. My boy introduces us to a group of different people living in a tiny town in North Dakota where everyone knows everyone elses business. These people do not know each other personally, but they still know one another via rumor or gossip. And they are all linked by the town they live in and the personal demons and challenges they face.

Klosterman does nothing new, but great writing doesn't always have to do something new. And critics have raised that the book doesn't really have a traditional plot. They are right. It doesn't.

But somehow, Klosterman gets you invested in the characters while also being hilarious (his take on what the twenty students are thinking about during a teacher's interesting lecture is absolutely dead on). He also does something else. He manages to be a guy (shocking revelation) who writes something really funny without having dick jokes, sex jokes, fart jokes, masturbation jokes, or any of the other jokes that males seem to write today. He also didn't write a self help book, a horror story, a legal thriller, a non-fiction piece on the Battle of The Bulge, a book about the 1959 Indiana basketball team, or an inspirational story about who you meet in heaven.

Basically, he wrote an original, funny story that a man hasn't been able to write since Nick Hornby.

Is Klosterman Nick Hornby? No. But I heard one time (in a rejection letter actually) that 87% of all fiction is read by females and thus, a work of fiction by a male author better not be about males, and if it is, it better be about males hunting serial killers.

And so in a day and age where the publishing industry is taking an absolute beating, it's nice to know that there is real talent out there. But more importantly, I hope people realize that there are male writers out there who can write about something other than the Cold War, the 2004 Red Sox, and detectives.

Because there is. His name is Chuck Klosterman.

Read him. And when some stuffwhitepeoplelike white person dumps on your for reading Chuck instead of Kafka, tell them that Chuck's intelligence, humor, and self reflection will bitch slap their pretentiousness anytime.

You rock Chuck.

Absolute Tool

It sure isn't going to be hard hating this guy for the next year.

I know this is going to sound like sour grapes and I'm channeling my inner Molly Leary when I say what I'm about to say, but I never liked Mark Teixeira. And after yesterday's press conference, I fucking hate Mark Teixeira.

The dude is a complete douche bag, tool, loser, chuckah. He's a white (always a big factor in my hatred), pretty boy, tool bag who seems to be overly self important. He's that guy who would be cast in a Vince Vaughn movie as the evil, "other guy," who dates the girl we all want Big T to end up with. I can even picture the tool bag standing next to a handler who is preparing the saddle of a horse "Tex" is about to go riding on. He is outside the barn with his Crest White Strip smile basking in the sun, wearing a yellow polo shirt tucked into pleated khakis, with a navy blue sweater tied around his shoulders.

Tool Tex is everything I hate and Bostonians, he is everything you should hate too. He is the anti- Manny, the anti-Pedro, the anti-Paul Pierce, the anti-Randy Moss. Hell, he isn't even as cool as Jeter and Damon. At least they date Maraiah Carey and make outrageous quotes about Jesus Christ being "awesome." This kills me to say, but Tool Tex can only WISH he were Gisele-toting Tom Brady.

Tool Tex is the anti cool. Actually, he's the anti interesting. If you knew this guy personally and I asked you what he brings to the table, what would you have for me? There's no bloviating blog, no straight cash homey, no fur coat in the dugout, no drunken pictures of him hanging out in Northeastern dorm rooms, no picture with a huge titted girlfriend (you go Tim Tebow!). And on top of it all, he's a pussy whipped little bitch (my wife wanted to go to New York... Hee, hee... I'm such a family guy!).

I mean, would any of you EVER be friends with this guy?!? What has he ever said or done that you have liked?

Basically, Tool Tex is everything that I despise in athletes. He is what most people LOVE about athletes (and THAT subject needs to be it's own post), but he is not what I love. He says and does ALL the right things, he plays "hard" (my favorite trait as you all know), he plays hurt, and he has put up gaudy offensive numbers. He says nothing outlandish, he'll look great on the cover of any team's program, and he has just enough "aw shucks" attitude to make everyone believe that he is this great guy who really cares about his team, the game, and most importantly, his beloved fans. There will be no fake hamstring injuries with Tool Tex, no sound bites about plunking the Bambino on the ass, no guarantees of a World Series win, no anal rapes in Colorado hotels. He is all that white fans love about our athletes.

But I'm telling you right now... Don't be fooled. Because Tool Tex will have a meltdown in the Big Apple. And I'll love it.

Now, I know this sounds stupid given the numbers he puts up. He hits for power, plays great defense, takes his walks, and is never hurt. He has also never finished higher than seventh in the MVP balloting and to quote my boy Shaq, he has won everywhere but college and the pros. Yes, he was mired on a pathetic Texas team for years, but he has also played for short periods of time on playoff contending teams as well. And did he carry Atlanta and the Angels to playoff victories like this really cool Dominican guy with a Predator hair cut did for the Dodgers? When have you ever seen/heard him take over a game? I keep hearing that he hit .470 in the playoffs this past fall, but people fail to mention that that .470 average drove in one whole run and was also made up of seven singles, zero doubles, zero triples, and zero home runs. Does this guy sound like another guy you know? A certain someone who he was once teammates with and will now be teammates with again? Because he sure does to me. Yes, he sounds like... Wait for it... A-Rod.

Tool Tex will be the new A-Rod. Complete with once hot, Skeletor looking, 50 year old pop princess (Mariah Carey in ten years maybe?!?). And when he is, please remember that you heard it here first.

I know that sounds outrageous (and I also know that being compared to A-Rod is not exactly unflattering), but does anyone remember the numbers A-Rod put up before he came to New York?!? His numbers make Tool Tex look like Trot Nixon in his best year. And while A-Rod hasn't won anything either, his numbers DWARF Tool Tex's. Yet A-Rod is still loathed in New York and is seen as a complete failure, despite carrying the Yanks for weeks at a time on several occassions during his five years in the Bronx. A-Rod has put up huge offensive numbers in New York, yet hasn't won anything. Tool Tex could do his usual .290, 35, 120 thing in New York, but will he be a winner? Will he be a superstar? He might be, but to me he has just never screamed... Superstar.

And don't ever forget this:

"The statistics will be there, but this is not a player who will make anyone else on the team better," said a former teammate of Teixeira's. "The numbers indicate an elite player, but if you watch him every day you will realize he is a very good player, not elite."

Who knows which teammate this and if it is true, but that is ALWAYS the sense I have gotten with Tool Tex. The numbers are there, but baseball is a long season and when you are damn good, you'll pile up numbers. But what happens when it goes south?

And, oh, how I will love for it to go south. It will be so pleasing because his uber annoying pretty boy image and I-say-all-the-right-things persona will be so fun to see collapse. With any luck, he'll have a Ryan Leaf like meltdown or two. We can only hope.

When it does happen, it will be fun to say that I liked Pearl Jam first AND I hated Mark Teixeira first. I can't wait for April 24th when the Yankees come to town. While you are all booing A-Rod, Damon, and Jeter, I'll be hating on Frat Boy Tool Tex. Now if the Sox could only get Prince Fielder as a response, then I'd be REALLY happy.

Are The Lyrics Of The Year From The Song Of The Year?

It's time for my favorite post of the year. It will be wordy and you will be bored at times, but hopefully, you will find yourself downloading a new tune or two.

But in a year with a tremendous volume of high profile (at least in my indie-poseur world) bands releasing big albums, you would have thought there would have been more lights out songs. Alas, there were not. While there were some great albums (Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay, Vampire Weekend, Death Cab For Cutie, and an amazing one by Ra Ra Riot), there were tons of disappointments (Beck, Weezer, Foo Fighters, Kanye West, Gnarls Barkley) and then there were some albums that were really solid, but couldn't be considered great because the same bands had released albums in previous years that were all better (Bloc Party, The Killers, Cold War Kids, Snow Patrol, Wolf Parade, Kings of Leon, Oasis, Ray LaMontagne, The Hold Steady, and even my beloved TV On The Radio).

Looking back on my list from last year, I was pretty happy with it. I got most everything right, but I did err a few times ("Apartment Story" needs to be 2, "All of My Friends" needs to be top ten). Looking over the music from 2007, there was not a single song from this year's list that would have made it into the Top 8. But, even still, there were some amazing songs. Strangely, hip hop made some inroads with me this year. Not enough for me to start wearing straight brimmed hats and over sized jeans, but it looked a lot closer to the glory days of 92-93 than it has had in recent years.

Okay, enough. Here are the 59 best songs of 2008. The qualifications to make the list are simple: When the noise created by the musicians together eminates from the speakers of the stereo and into my ears, is it a pleasurable experience? Extra points are always given for songs that can be played at a party, ridiculous lyrics (although bad lyrics can never hurt a song. See #3 below.), the "who is THIS?" feeling, and a song that makes you want to run really, REALLY fast. The list grew, but remember, quantity does not always equal quality...

59. "Life In Technicolor"- Coldplay: The first of several from my boys who made the album of the year. And it's an instrumental. All 2008 playlists should begin with this song. Two and a half minutes of happiness.

58. "American Boy"- Estelle Featuring Kanye West: About the only thing my favorite rapper/trash talker/Bush Hater did all year. Such a great little diddy. A must on a party CD where the guests have wildly differing musical tastes. It'll be a uniter.

57. "Bleeding Love"- Leona Lewis: Loved it the first time I heard it. Loved it a little less the 787th time I heard it. But drop it on a playlist in three years and we'll see then that it is a keeper.

56. "Everybody Get Dangerous"- Weezer: Weezer being Weezer here. And while it is not "My Name Is Jonas," "Keep Fishin'," or even "Photograph," it was still plenty rocking. And in this year of mediocrity, that is good enough for me.

55. "All Summer Long"- Kid Rock: I always kept it on in the car, okay?

54. "Run"- Gnarls Barkley: When I first heard this song, I had visions of a potential album of the year candidate. And while the rest of the album stinks, you can't hold that against them. Try not running around in circles when you hear this song.

53. "Spaceman"- The Killers: People want to automatically hate them (you Bill Simmons) and the hype makes people look at them with a wary eye, but they are now four albums deep (including their highly underrated B Sides disc) and they make great alt rock songs. There Return To The 80s efforts may not have been a dead bullseye, but this is a great song. Although the best thing they did all year was show up in that Olympic Nike commercial.

52. "Supernatural Superserious"- R.E.M.: Lost in the sea of big releases was this gem by a band that I think has gotten better and better and has never been fully appreciated for how hard they rock (listen to "What's The Frequency Kenneth" please) as they are best known for semi-folksy ballads. But this tune showed them at their rocking best. I wish they would bust out the electric guitar more often.

51. "Soldier's Grin"- Wolf Parade: An awesome band who delivered my bro's album of the year have some songs that run a bit long. But the CD blows up with this awesome intro. It then makes you go back and buy their old CD, which, if released this year, would have two songs in the top ten. Still a great effort though.

50. "Live Your Life"- T.I. Featuring Rihanna: Any hip hop song that evokes memories of Naughty By Nature (Love that "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY-EYYYYYYYY") has to make the list. This dude gives me hope for hip hop.

49. "M79"- Vampire Weekend: Ignore the backlash and ignore the pretentiousness. These guys released an amazing album and "M79" is just one of many examples of their ridiculous catchiness.

48. "One Month Off"- Bloc Party: The fact that these guys aren't way more appreciated befuddles me. Yes, their debut is loved and extremely well reviewed, but their last two albums have been liked at best and ripped at worst. Why that is, I'll never know. But I do know that the music industry has changed and there are tons of bands out there, many of whom are a flavor of the week, but these guys continue to kill it and although you'll always recognize Kele's voice, their songs are all so wildly different. And I love them for that.

47. "Sequestered In Memphis"- The Hold Steady: How more of you people who like classic rock DON'T like this band is beyond me. Remember, it's okay to like something new.

46. "Manhattan"- Kings Of Leon: My love/hate relationship with this band continues. But man do they make ridiculously good songs.

45. "L.E.S. Artistes"- Santogold: Got to the party way late on this one. She is doing a great job of keeping this run of awesome female rockers/pop stars/rappers going. This seems to be everyones favorite and it absolutely should be on everyones holiday party late night mix.

44. "Gamma Ray"- Beck: Like Weezer above, this is Beck being Beck and that's a good thing. But in the last couple of years, we've been bombarded with amazing talent on the indie rock/alt scene and so the old veterans have to turn it up. And while Beck turned it up somewhat with this single, he needs to do more.

43. "Crack The Shutters"- Snow Patrol: In the words of Will Hunting, "Ibid, your honor."


42. "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You"- Black Kids: In the same vein as The Go! Team and that is a really, really good thing. This could be the dance song of the year and it should immediately be on your running playlist. As I write this, I realize it should probably be higher on the list.

41. "Oh, La"- Ra Ra Riot: As I said at the outset, this is one of the best albums of the year and this track with it's multiple changes and unbelievable vocals is one of their gems.

40. "Death And All His Friends"- Coldplay: God, this album has so many good songs. And a text book way for a wildly popular band to end their epic and finest record is to have THIS song wrap things up. It's almost like Wicked Good Album 101 to do that and it Coldplay aced that course with this tune.

39. "Crying"- TV On The Radio: Somehow, these guys keep amazing me. This is exactly the career path bands should follow. Try something new, but keep to the old from time to time. With "Crying," TVOTR has somehow made a wannabe 1970s Earth Wind and Fire song sound completely new and completely appropriate. People will have no idea that the same band that wrote "Staring At the Sun" wrote this song.

38. "Got Money"- Lil Wayne: The hip hop resurgence continues with another great artist. People used to dump on me for dumping on hip hop seven or eight years ago when it was dominated by stupid 50 Cent and the wildly overrated Eminem. Compare those two clowns- along with the other ridiculous rappers like Jadakiss and Ja Rule- to the genre changing performers of today (Kanye, Common, Lupe Fiasco and Lil Wayne) and you'll know why I hated hip hop. Good for Lil Wayne for making something different. And not mentioning Cristal and 22s.

37. "Pop Lie"- Okkervil River: Who'd have thunk I'd like a band who is compared to Dylan?!? At least I can understand his "genius" lyrics.

36. "Dawn of the Dead"- Does It Offend You, Yeah?: No, I don't like the song just because it's one of my favorite horror movies. I like the song because it is Brit Pop at its best. Another great song in that long line of alt rock/80s Techno songs that I oh so love.

35. "Time To Pretend"- MGMT: Once again bringing that techno sound to rock. Sure, when done poorly, it sounds like Asia, but when done well, it sounds like Depeche Mode. MGMT is like Depeche Mode without the pain and devestation. All that upbeat attitude makes this one of the catchiest songs of the year.

34. "Lust"- The Raveonettes: As I said, an album of the year and this is one of the songs that you just need to hear. What makes me love Indie Rock are bands like this.

33. "Campus"- Vampire Weekend: Seriously, stop hating.

32. "Mercy"- Duffy: So begins a stretch of some really, really cheesey pop songs. However, I guess this is what happens when it is a down year in indie rock. If Duffy was actually marketed differently, she might have been this years "It Girl." While she isn't Amy Winehouse, she certainly could have been close to Kate Nash. How she got marketed as a pop tart is surprising when you listen to the album. But whatever. When I first heard those opening synth/drum beats, I was hooked. Nice work Duffy.

31. "Always Where I Need To Be"- The Kooks: I've never seen so many girls at a concert in my life. Of course, I have never been to a New Kids show. Oh yeah, the song is really catchy too.

30. "Hey Hey Girl"- The Virgins: This is probably a band with little staying power and there are those that will call them too poppy, but this is one of those songs that if I played this in a room, five people would ask who it is. It would be like that scene in High Fidelity. Only the record store I owned would just be my living room.

29. "New Soul"- Yael Naim: If you don't like this song, you have no soul. And LD, this HAS to be your song of the year!

28. "Sometime Around Midnight"- The Airborne Toxic Event: This would have been much higher on the list had I not heard it every nine second on the FNX morning show. That said, those are some pretty awesome lyrics. We all know something about jealousy, but this guy might be a little more jealous than most of us.


27. "The 59 Sound"- The Gaslight Anthem: Was a top tenner until I saw them. Their wannabe coolness makes The Bravery look as cool as The National. That said, this Bruce Springsteen by way of John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band was an immediate, "Who the hell is this?!?" when I first heard it. And that reaction always gets you on the list.

26. "This Is Your Life"- The Killers: Exactly what makes me love Brandon and the boys. Soaring vocals, tons of musical changes... In fifteen years, they will seriously have one of THE BEST Greatest Hits Albums of all time, because when they get it right, boy do they get it right.

25. "Whatever You Like"- T.I.: Two T.I. songs on my list? No, Ed Lover is not writing this blog.

24. "The Shock Of The Lightning"- Oasis: Continuing the trend of Great Bands NOT Doing Their Greatest Work, Oasis did manage to find one classic with this song. They'll always be awesome and the fact that I just LIKE this album, really makes me appreciate just how good they are, because you know what? There really are not any terrible songs on here, there's just no "Wonderwall" (what's a music post without a "Wonderwall" comment?) or a "Don't Look Back In Anger" on it. And I need to come to grips with that because those are some pretty lofty expectations. Stupid expectations. They killed The Phantom Menace too.

23. "Use Somebody"- Kings Of Leon: I guess I just have to come to grips with the fact that I like these guy. And if it were 1971 and there was no such thing as alternative rock, they'd be Lynard Skynard. So, does that mean I like Lynard Skynard?

22. "Ion Square"- Bloc Party: Is it possible that I just like these guys so much because they are gay, British, AND black and those are three things I'd love to be?!?

21. "Viva La Vida"- Coldplay featuring Joe Satriani: Wait, who's this band again?

20. "Old Highs New Lows"- Bob Mould: Quite possibly the most underrated musician of the past 25 years. And that's not even a Big G overstatement (don't believe me? Please, please, please go out and purchase Sugar Copper Blue ) Like me, Bob is now old, but with his old age comes wisdom and reflection. The title tells you everything you need to know about the song and to all my older readers, let me just say that you'll commiserate with Bob on this one.

19. "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"- Beyonce: From Bob Mould to Beyonce. Listen, even I don't understand myself, okay? This song is what this type of music should be all about. Oh and by the way, this will be the most requested song for a bridesmaid dance/bachelorette party/take your friend out after she's been dumped for the next, oh... 87 years.

18. "Atom"- British Sea Power: All the things rock should be. Love the slow build. The distortion at the end could go, but that's what the right arrow on your iPod click wheel is for.

17. "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It"- Snow Patrol: Yes, I said that this album was nothing new, but like so many others on this list, this is Ireland's finest at their ABSOLUTE finest. Points for the lyrics and Gary Lightbody's RIDICULOUS vocals at the 2:40 mark of the song.

16. "Business Time"- Flight Of The Conchords: Okay, not only is this painfully funny and amazingly true for so many relationships, but it also weirdly... Rocks. It's so good that I bought a tee shirt with a line from the song. And exactly zero people know what the tee shirt is referring to. I hate people.


15. "Grey Estates"- Wolf Parade: A super solid album. And this is the pick of the litter. I love the vox and the catchiness. Definitely an entire CD worth picking up.

14. "Halfway Home"- TV On The Radio: Are Tunde and company really making a ba ba ba happen?!? They certainly are. Another song with "the build." Should be the first song on your long run playlist. You'll be flying when it kicks in.

13. "Grounds For Divorce"- Elbow: Are they serious with this song? Omigod it rocks. And watch the video too, just to see a beer mug turned into an extremely effective instrument.

12. "Hallucinations"- The Raveonettes: Top ten album of the year right here. Great stuff that seems to have been forgotten on many critics' lists. The guitar riff will have you playing air guitar in front of your mirror. Unless, of course, it's released for Rock Band 3. Then you can say you were "playing a game."

11. "Dig"- Incubus: Yup. I know. All credibility lost. But in defense of me, listen to the song and try to remove the image of that tool lead singer from your mind. Difficult, I know. But for me... Please? Pretty please? Let me maintain some sense of dignity.


10. "Lights Out"- Santogold: Okay, months ago, I heard this song in Diesel (the coffee shop, not the jeans store). I didn't want to seem unhip so I didn't ask the really hip people behind the counter who this was. Instead, I went home and searched every female singer from Sinead Lohan to Melissa Branch (seriously) to Kate Perry. And I came up with nothing. And then I was listening to this hyped Santogold chick and boom... It was like discovering a twenty in last years winter coat. Only the twenty was a C Note because that's how AWESOME this song is.


9. "You Are the Best Thing"- Ray LaMontagne: I have such a soft spot for this guy. Listen to this song and tell me you don't think of a modern day Otis Redding. He's so good. And his lyrics. Are you kidding me? They are made even better when someone tells you that they wish they wrote this song for you. ;)

8. "Can You Tell"- Ra Ra Riot: The debut band of the year crushes it with this song. Super catchy, just the right length, and then you hear the lyrics. The result? A Top Tenner.


7. "After Hours"- We Are Scientists: My thoughts some months ago in the car: Hey, I kind of liked these guys first disc. I should throw this new one in and give it a shot. This is pretty catchy... It's a really nice day out... What should I have for lunch... God I hate Angela Singer... Wait... What the hell is THIS song?!? Months later, you have a song of the year. Download it, love it, or I'll give you your $0.99 back.


6. "Oxford Comma"- Vampire Weekend: Try not singing along to it.

5. "Strawberry Swing"- Coldplay: They've played virtually every other song on the radio but THIS is still the hands down best on the album. It's this amazing mix of mellow, yet upbeat. Ballady, yet rocky. I don't know how anyone can say this is anything BUT the album of the year.

4. "Something Is Not Right With Me"- Cold War Kids: If I said it once, I said it a thousand times: Incredible. And two minutes. Bri says this thing has become a Cold War Kid fan site. I say I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Nathan is referring to a Matthew Sweet song in his lyrics. Even better.

3. "Sex On Fire"- Kings Of Leon: Okay, who wrote this thing, Gene Simmons? Regardless, this is the sing-a-long anthem of the year (as evidenced by 3000 people screaming it at The Orpheum last month) and I love it. Right down to the horrific lyrics. And on a side note, what would you give to have this guys voice? I legit thought about this for forty minutes yesterday. I said that if I could shoot myself in the top of the foot and feel the pain for an hour but then have a full recovery with nary a limp or a scar in exchange for one night with Caleb's voice, then I'd do it. Yup, you're friends with me.

2. "Cath..."- Death Cab For Cutie: Is it possible for a song to have the saddest lyrics ever AND be ridiculously catchy at the same time? Well, Death Cab managed to do that. They also managed to write- in about 20 lines- a story that has taken me seven years, 90 rejection letters, and 350 pages to write. Can I sue them for copyright infringement?


BIG FAT CHEAT!!! "Blank Slate"- The National: A way old song, but it cam out THIS year on The Virginia EP!!! That counts! And really, who DIDN'T see this coming?!?

1. "Le Ruse"- Tapes 'N Tapes: This is not Big G being Pretentious Music Big G. I kept trying to NOT make this my number one song of the year and then I realized... It IS my song of the year. Because it is so good. I absolutely love music that transcends generations and improves on something that we all think is impossible to improve on. There is a finite amount of music out there and at some point, don't we have to run out? Isn't one rock song really like the next?!? They all rip off from each other. Well, Tapes 'N Tapes showed me that you CAN make ridiculously awesome music, even if it sounds like other music. That is what these guys have done. They have taken the straight up rock song and well... Rocked it. This song could be a Stones song, a Zeppelin tune, a Pearl Jam jam, a Nirvana diddy, an Oasis rocker, or a Foo single. But it's not. It's a rock song by a band that hardly anybody has heard of and it will rock with the best of them. But that is part of what I hate about today's music. "Le Ruse" is all mine and I love that. But because of the number of bands out there, the various formats, and the fact that the wheel has already been invented, nothing today can be properly appreciated because it didn't come first. Had Tapes 'N Tapes had the good fortune of being born thirty years earlier, they would be much more appreciated. But because they weren't they will never get the credit they should. And this song NEEDS to get some credit. From the opening distortion, to the bridge in the middle, to the anthemic vocals at the end, "Le Ruse" is the song of the year. And in a day and age where people (my old, refusing to change friends) lament music, Tapes 'N Tapes shows us that it is still possible to just rock out, with nary a scarf, viola, hipster beard, or keyboard in sight. Just four guys, some guitars, a drum kit and amps cranked to eleven. Bravo Tapes 'N Tapes.

The Most Gratuitous Show On Television

Well looky here! Two posts in less than 24 hours! I'm in the zone!

Anyways, I've always wanted to do a running diary of something and write as it happens. I've thought about doing the Academy Awards, but I like that too much and just want to pay attention to it. I've also thought about doing a movie and just pointing out all the awesomeness in every scene. But you people would make it through nine lines of that. And so as I was flipping through the channels, I stumbled across a show on CBS at 10:00pm last night. I was mad at myself for forgetting it was on. I was even madder that my computer wasn't near me. But anyways, here it is. Th First Annual Running Diary of The Victoria Secret Fashion Show, which is better known as the show that makes men and women alike want to slice fat off of their love handles as they watch. I think I've watched this show before and I think it's bad. But that should make it all the more fun. And sorry this isn't out until the day after. My editor wanted to look it over. So, without further ado...

10:00: Hey look! A washed up former VS model is hosting. Heidi Klum. This thing has a host?
10:01: Look at these credits?!? This cast rivals True Romance.
10:01: Whoa... Hey... Who is Miranda Kerr?!? Aside from a girl who will never like me...
10:02: Is that Usher as a musical guest?!? Oh God... This show is going to have every B List star alive. I guarantee Diddy is in the house...
10:03: Giant wings... Very practical... I haven't met girls who wear those...
10:04: Please read five lines above and note the time... I swear to God this is happening in real time, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Diddy. Next to Martha Stewart I think.
10:04: Here's my first in a series of Marisa Miller questions and it's for the ladies: Do you guys hate on her like you hate on every other woman or do you take my Brad/George/Becks/Leo stance and just admit how ridiculously awesome she is?
10:05: And a Paris Hilton shot... I swear to God I did not see this before my opening remarks... You people know State Capitals, dangling participles, and math formulas. I know me B List.
10:06: I like that Usher is singing a very current and timely song...
10:07: Two things confirmed... One, I am more prescient than Nostradamus... Two, that is Diddy... Two seats over from K Mart's own Martha Stewart. How did I lose so much betting on football games back in college with this ESP I have?
10:07: Duhammel... The B List continues..
10:11: Can you imagine a worse room to be in if you are a softball catcher than this giant "hair and makeup room?" And there is no way, absolutely NO WAY these girls like each other. It's not humanly possible. I'd love to have a hidden camera and listen to Alessandra talk about how she saw Adrianna eating a piece of celery with PEANUT BUTTER earlier in the day and how fat she looks because of it.
10:13: Hey, look. A guy with bongos who no one has ever heard of.
10:14: Next Marisa Miller question: If you were her high school boyfriend, how exactly, are you functioning sexually these days? That 33 year old mother of three sitting next to you on the couch can't be getting it done, can it? And when you tell your college buddies that you used to hit that, do they laugh so hard that they can't breath or do they just look at you for a few seconds and go back to their beers?
10:18: Was that Jeff Gordon and his Judd wife?
10:18: The big guns continue to roll out... Brett Ratner... Director of Rush Hour 2!
10:19: No way that doughnut Marisa is eating is real. It was digitally inserted in. Really, she was eating a paper towel.

10:24: The Killers! Nice! You know my sex drive is waning when the highlight of the night is a song by an all male band.
10:26: Shot of Lenny Kravitz as Adrianna Lima walks out... As many of you likely know, they used to date. For a while. And she says she is a virgin. Lenny walks down the street and lays women just by looking at them. There is no way that Adrianna spent time with Lenny and didn't get defiled.
10:27: There's Diddy. Applauding a model in Granny Panties. Man, he's lost his way.
10:28: Marisa question #3... Are they real?
10:28: My future ex-wife has a cut on the back of her foot. I know a guy who can fix that.... Trainer Steve Mirasolo!!!
10:29: The VS girls are talking about bad pick up lines. There are guys that actually talk to these women without dry heaving from nervousness?
10:29: Just what I want to see on the VS fashion show... Girls in one piece bathing suits dancing that are not VICTORIA SECRET MODELS!!!!! I paid to see U2! Not a U2 cover band!!!
10:30: That's nice. They invited a burn victim to the show... Oh wait, that's just Seal.
10:32: I guarantee these women survive on a 175 calorie a day diet.
10:33: Another thing I don't want to see at the VS Fashion Show. Women in winter clothing. If I wanted to see that, I'd walk down Comm Ave on a Friday night in January. More skin please!
10:37: Hey, a commercial for Mt. Auburn Hospital! The very place I was born! And many years later, the very same place I'd have my first rectal exam!
10:38: Nice! Usher's back! CBS definitely wants to make this the Victoria Secret Fashion Show circa 2005. At least they'd have Gisele there, thus insuring them at least one A Lister.
10:41: Speaking of Usher, in my mid-twenties, when I really wanted to know how to dance better, I taped the Usher "U Remind Me" video and I would watch it over and over, attempting to learn his moves. True story.
10:42: THAT'S the President Of Victoria's Secret? I don't think she started as a model.
10:43: God this show is awful, but wait... Is that..? Bloc Party! "Banquet!" Yes! Holy shit! I'm so happy now! But wait. My two favorite parts of this show are all male bands, one of whom is fronted by a gay man. Do I officially need to sort some things out?
10:46: Marisa question #4: If you are currently dating her and you have the "what should we do for dinner tonight?" conversation for the umpteenth time, are you annoyed with her or do you roll with it because she's... You know... Marisa Miller?
10:47: My brother just walked in and said these two things: "Marisa Miller is kind of a butterface" and "some of these girls asses aren't that good." True story. Between his penchant for neatness and comments like these, I sometimes wonder if he was adopted.
10:47: Out strolls Adrianna Lima. She just walked by Lenny and he dropped his seed in her. Again.
10:48: They have my future ex-wife in the evenings worst outfit. And the more I look at her, the more I'm beginning to think she's 18.
10:49: Commercial time. Three things: This show has more commercials than Oprah. I haven't watched something this disappointingly bad since the second Matrix. What the hell are all these TV shows that CBS is advertising?

10:50: WBZ News says Whitey is turning himself in. No way The Brother of The Former President of The University of Massachusetts is turning himself in. He's enjoying Venezuela too much.
10:52: Here comes the big finale. The only way this show is going to rally is if Marisa's silicon tit falls out or we see Adrianna Lima come out nine months pregnant from Kravitz's super sperm.
10:55: Final Marisa Miller question: If you're having drinks at Maryanne's and there is a table of hot, skankily dressed BC girls talking about how good looking you are and you happen to overhear them, do you chat them up on the way to the bathroom?
10:55: Who do you think these models are pointing to when they gesture to someone in the audience? Their mothers and fathers for giving them these genes? Their plastic surgeon? Their agent? Boyfriend? Kravitz?
10:57: Safety pin located! Crisis averted! These girls have a tough job. This morning on FNX, they were talking about recession proof jobs. Is Victoria's Secret Model recession proof?
10:58: Here comes the big finale... The models come out... They bow... They look thin and hot... They run back stage and talk about the after party (which will be full of White Russians made with heavy cream and meatloaf sandwiches I'm sure)... My 18 year old future ex-wife thanks me for watching... And over...
10:59: Can I have the last hour of my life back?

As LL Cool J Said, Don't Call It A Comeback

come·back (kŭm'bāk') n. A return to formerly enjoyed status or prosperity: The film star made an unexpected comeback.

The key word there is FORMERLY. A person makes a comeback when they had a FORMERLY enjoyed status. Take, for example, the Hollywood career of John Travolta.

As we all know, John Travolta was on top of the world in the late seventies with his turn as Danny Zuko in Grease and then as a "Mistah Kaater" bothering Vinnie Barbarino in Welcome Back Kotter. Then things started to go south for Vinnie Barbarino. He had a modicum of success with Urban Cowboy in 1980 and Staying Alive in 1983, but then he all but disappeared until 1994 when he reapperaed as some fat ganster who really dug swine named Vincent Vega. If it weren't for Look Who's Talking in 1989, we'd have thought that Travolta was holed up in a bunker drinking Narragansetts while reminiscing the glory days with Micky Dolenz and Danny Bonaduce.

After Pulp, Travolta went on to become the highest paid actor in Hollywood, owner of his own jet, and Oprah's favorite white person.

Now THAT's a comeback.

Other examples might be Jason Bateman (nothing for the twelve years between portraying David Hogan on the mildly successful Valerie and his cult star status on Arrested Development) and Robert Downey Jr. (I swear he died at one point).

But you know who is not a "comeback?"

Britney Spears. And that's because she never went anywhere.

Since Brit burst onto the scene in 1999, she has released six albums (which is infinitely more than Guns N' Roses released in the same time span) which have totalled 85 million in sales. She has won some type of award in seven of the nine years she has been on the scene. She won Grammys, Billboard Music Awards, and VMAs. She has starred in a movie (which while bad, never shows up on all time worst lists... Glitter usually takes its place), had a cameo in a summer blockbuster, won rave reviews for her appearance on How I Met Your Mother, and shown up on COUNTLESS magazine covers and tabloid shows (I literally mean countless) and just two days ago, she was announced to be the most searched person on Yahoo! over the past year (on a side note, there are people who still use Yahoo! as a search engine?!? I haven't used anything but Google for a search since Al Gore invented the internet). Finally, I get my Rolling Stone this month and who is on the cover?!? If you guessed Mandy Moore, you are incorrect.

My point? This ubiquitous "Britney Comeback" I keep hearing about is anything but a comeback.

Because she never left.

Honestly, can you think of a stretch of time where you HAVEN'T seen Britney Spears? I'll ask you these questions right now...

What did her outfit look like when she wore the snake around her neck at the VMAs?
What was on underneath that black suit in her original VMA appearance?
What is her ex-husbands name?
What's the name of the dude she married in Vegas?
What funky haircut did she go with a couple years back?
What happened to her when she interviewed with someone on a "big" TV interview? Who interviewed her?
Has she had issues with her children?
Who did she appear in all white with on stage and what happened during that appearance?

I could ask more, but I know you already know the answers. And why am I asking you all these questions?!? Because in her nine years of famousness (is that even a word?), she has never "disappeared." Ergo, there can NEVER be a Britney Spears comeback because she NEVER LEFT!!! She has been making videos, movies, albums, and appearances galore for her entire existence. While Bateman and Travolta were taking ten years off, Britney was taking ten minutes off.

But yet we keep talking about this comeback! Why?!? There is nothing to come back from! As I said above, her career has spanned all of nine years. From 1999-2003, she was on top of the world with three albums, a high profile relationship with JT, and countless videos and appearances. Even during her darkest days, she was still releasing albums and making videos. "Toxic", "My Prerogative", and "Pieces of Me" were all in heavy rotation on MTV and the airwaves in 2004, 2005, 2007 respectively.

Now granted, she went through some difficult times with the K-Fed years, the Vegas wedding, the head shaving, the custody battles, the lip synching, and the weight gain. But as they say in Hollywood, all publicity is good publicity.

I completely agree with that and so how and when did she ever disappear during these times?!? I mean, her career has spanned nine years! Jason Bateman and John Travolta both fell off the face of the Earth for nine years for crissakes.

I understand we live in a different age where there is complete media saturation and so it is virtually impossible for anyone to disappear, but it can happen. Look at Johnny Depp and Daniel Day-Lewis and Prince. These guys pop up once a year, make a ridiculously awesome movie or record and then sail back into relative obscurity. Britney has never done this and she never will so in no way shape and form can anything related to Britney Spears be called a comeback.

Part of it was that Britney captured lighting in a bottle. There hadn't been a female sensation/icon in years. Madonna held the throne in the 80s and I think that our culture was starving for an iconic woman. During the early to mid nineties, that female superstar was not existent. The two who came closest to holding the mantle of Female Icon were Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson, but neither was OVERLY famous, they didn't cross genres much and both weren't idolized by young women. They were strictly the fascination of men. And so when Britney came along with the absolutely phenomenal pop song that IS "Oops I Did It Again" (don't believe me? Ask Simon Cowell), people were DYING of Female Icon thirst and so they drank up whatever was in front of them. And that person happened to be Britney Spears. It could have been Christina, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, or even Pink, but they all came just a little too late. In the words of my boy Brian, she was the first in, just like iPods were the first in on the digital music scene. Those other girls were all just Zune players and Roxio's trying to break into a market that was monopolized by Britney.

But all of that said, the comeback stuff is just so frustrating, because she isn't coming back. She didn't go anywhere. I'm not sure why all of this bothers me so much (I think it has something to do with the fact that she should absolutely not be a star that people are infatuated with because she is so painfully untalented), but it does. I feel like we have been hearing about a Britney Comeback for five years when in fact, she never had anything to come back from. In reality, I think that everyone just wants another female pop idol and since there isn't one around, everyone wants to hop in Marty McFly's time machine and go back to 1999 when there was a nice, cute yet risque teen queen named Britney Spears fascinating people of all ages.

But as we know, this can't happen so I really, REALLY wish the fascination of Brit would go the same way as the one time fascination of Paul Anka.

Who's that?

Exactly.