Absolute Tool

It sure isn't going to be hard hating this guy for the next year.

I know this is going to sound like sour grapes and I'm channeling my inner Molly Leary when I say what I'm about to say, but I never liked Mark Teixeira. And after yesterday's press conference, I fucking hate Mark Teixeira.

The dude is a complete douche bag, tool, loser, chuckah. He's a white (always a big factor in my hatred), pretty boy, tool bag who seems to be overly self important. He's that guy who would be cast in a Vince Vaughn movie as the evil, "other guy," who dates the girl we all want Big T to end up with. I can even picture the tool bag standing next to a handler who is preparing the saddle of a horse "Tex" is about to go riding on. He is outside the barn with his Crest White Strip smile basking in the sun, wearing a yellow polo shirt tucked into pleated khakis, with a navy blue sweater tied around his shoulders.

Tool Tex is everything I hate and Bostonians, he is everything you should hate too. He is the anti- Manny, the anti-Pedro, the anti-Paul Pierce, the anti-Randy Moss. Hell, he isn't even as cool as Jeter and Damon. At least they date Maraiah Carey and make outrageous quotes about Jesus Christ being "awesome." This kills me to say, but Tool Tex can only WISH he were Gisele-toting Tom Brady.

Tool Tex is the anti cool. Actually, he's the anti interesting. If you knew this guy personally and I asked you what he brings to the table, what would you have for me? There's no bloviating blog, no straight cash homey, no fur coat in the dugout, no drunken pictures of him hanging out in Northeastern dorm rooms, no picture with a huge titted girlfriend (you go Tim Tebow!). And on top of it all, he's a pussy whipped little bitch (my wife wanted to go to New York... Hee, hee... I'm such a family guy!).

I mean, would any of you EVER be friends with this guy?!? What has he ever said or done that you have liked?

Basically, Tool Tex is everything that I despise in athletes. He is what most people LOVE about athletes (and THAT subject needs to be it's own post), but he is not what I love. He says and does ALL the right things, he plays "hard" (my favorite trait as you all know), he plays hurt, and he has put up gaudy offensive numbers. He says nothing outlandish, he'll look great on the cover of any team's program, and he has just enough "aw shucks" attitude to make everyone believe that he is this great guy who really cares about his team, the game, and most importantly, his beloved fans. There will be no fake hamstring injuries with Tool Tex, no sound bites about plunking the Bambino on the ass, no guarantees of a World Series win, no anal rapes in Colorado hotels. He is all that white fans love about our athletes.

But I'm telling you right now... Don't be fooled. Because Tool Tex will have a meltdown in the Big Apple. And I'll love it.

Now, I know this sounds stupid given the numbers he puts up. He hits for power, plays great defense, takes his walks, and is never hurt. He has also never finished higher than seventh in the MVP balloting and to quote my boy Shaq, he has won everywhere but college and the pros. Yes, he was mired on a pathetic Texas team for years, but he has also played for short periods of time on playoff contending teams as well. And did he carry Atlanta and the Angels to playoff victories like this really cool Dominican guy with a Predator hair cut did for the Dodgers? When have you ever seen/heard him take over a game? I keep hearing that he hit .470 in the playoffs this past fall, but people fail to mention that that .470 average drove in one whole run and was also made up of seven singles, zero doubles, zero triples, and zero home runs. Does this guy sound like another guy you know? A certain someone who he was once teammates with and will now be teammates with again? Because he sure does to me. Yes, he sounds like... Wait for it... A-Rod.

Tool Tex will be the new A-Rod. Complete with once hot, Skeletor looking, 50 year old pop princess (Mariah Carey in ten years maybe?!?). And when he is, please remember that you heard it here first.

I know that sounds outrageous (and I also know that being compared to A-Rod is not exactly unflattering), but does anyone remember the numbers A-Rod put up before he came to New York?!? His numbers make Tool Tex look like Trot Nixon in his best year. And while A-Rod hasn't won anything either, his numbers DWARF Tool Tex's. Yet A-Rod is still loathed in New York and is seen as a complete failure, despite carrying the Yanks for weeks at a time on several occassions during his five years in the Bronx. A-Rod has put up huge offensive numbers in New York, yet hasn't won anything. Tool Tex could do his usual .290, 35, 120 thing in New York, but will he be a winner? Will he be a superstar? He might be, but to me he has just never screamed... Superstar.

And don't ever forget this:

"The statistics will be there, but this is not a player who will make anyone else on the team better," said a former teammate of Teixeira's. "The numbers indicate an elite player, but if you watch him every day you will realize he is a very good player, not elite."

Who knows which teammate this and if it is true, but that is ALWAYS the sense I have gotten with Tool Tex. The numbers are there, but baseball is a long season and when you are damn good, you'll pile up numbers. But what happens when it goes south?

And, oh, how I will love for it to go south. It will be so pleasing because his uber annoying pretty boy image and I-say-all-the-right-things persona will be so fun to see collapse. With any luck, he'll have a Ryan Leaf like meltdown or two. We can only hope.

When it does happen, it will be fun to say that I liked Pearl Jam first AND I hated Mark Teixeira first. I can't wait for April 24th when the Yankees come to town. While you are all booing A-Rod, Damon, and Jeter, I'll be hating on Frat Boy Tool Tex. Now if the Sox could only get Prince Fielder as a response, then I'd be REALLY happy.