28: The New Mid Life Crisis

I like Valentine's Day. Mostly because it afford me the opportunity to talk about one of my favorite subjects.

Relationships.

One would think that someone who enjoys discussing relationships as much as I do would be good at them. But I am not. There is an infinite list of people who will confirm that (one has been an occassional guest commenter right here on this very site). But hey, at least I am pretty good at picking out gifts. No gift cards here. i even know sizes and styles. Must be that sexual ambiguity that makes me so good at this.

But anyways, I love discussing relationships. And with February 14th approaching. I was afforded the opportunity recently to discuss relationships. And my favorite subject came up.

The Magic 28 Theory.

Creative, the name isn't. And scientifically proven, the theory has not been, but it's right.

Before I get to The Magic 28 Theory, we all know that the divorce rate is 50% in America. A quick google search (what did we do pre-google? That needs to be some sort of historical abbreviation. Like BC and AD, we need a BG and AG) of marital studies say that the frequently cited reasons for divorce are: Lack of commitment to the marriage, lack of communication between spouses, infidelity, alcohol addiction, substance abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, inability to manage or resolve conflict, differences in personal and career goals financial problems, different expectations about household tasks (this is my favorite one), different expectations about having or rearing children, interference from parents or in-laws (hilarious), lack of maturity, intellectual incompatibility, sexual incompatibility, religious conversion or religious beliefs, cultural and lifestyle differences, inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies (imagine telling your husband/wife, "I'm leaving you because you eat your peas one at a time."), criminal behavior and incarceration for crime.

While all of these are valid and reasonable (particularly incarceration) explanations for divorce, the real reason why everyone gets divorced is much more simple.

We marry the wrong person.

Often we marry the wrong person because we panic. And this panic usually sets in right around... The age of 28. Because when we are this age and single, it seems that everyone around said us is either A) married or B) getting married. And because all of the people surrounding us are in one of these two situations, we decide that it is also time for us to get married. Partner be damned.

But why 28 you ask. Why not 26 or 30?

At 26, you are still young enough to "find someone" and enjoy singledom. It seems that you have your whole life to partner up (but really, society says you only have two years). So 26 is too young.

And 30? Isn't that a tough age for everyone?

Well, at thirty, you are over being... 28. And so you have a bit more confidence and a bit more of an ability to realize, "yes, I can do this."

You've ikely been paying rent for awhile, managing your student loans, making a car payment, and pretty much manuevering through the rolling sea that is life. I'm not saying you have it all figured out at 30, but you are somewhat more aware of yourself and maybe even more comfortable with yourself (at what age will I be comfortable with my abs and teeth?).

But at 28? You have nothing figured out. And to make matters worse, society says you should because... Well, because everybody does, don't they?

But we don't.

And that's why at this Magic 28 Age, we marry whatever might be convenient. We do this for a variety of reasons, but the main reason we get married at 28 is the pressure. Even though we have progressed enough as a society to put a black man in The White House, we haven't progressed enough to tell people (particularly women) that it is okay to be over 28 and unmarried. And that is flabbergasting because we spend our whole lives telling our students and children that we should find true love. Think about it...

From the youngest of ages, we smack people around with the idea of love. Be it Barbie and Ken (even they broke up) or Luke and Laura (their wedding is only relevant to people my age and older), we are given the ideas and images of relationships almost as soon as we can read. From there, we are hit with all manner of relationship mumbo jumbo, be it movies (Can't Buy Me Love showed me that I couldn't buy one), periodicals (read the cover of Seventeen the next time you are in CVS), or CW television shows until we graduate to the biggest day in our relationship existence: The prom.

From there, we move to college where we experience all manner of "relationships" (there is so much I could say right here, but because of my lack of professional status at LHS, I'll refrain but for this: What is the status of a relationship when the central entrance is a window?). It is in fact the frequent matra of college kids to not WANT a relationship because, you know... It's college.

And after college, we pretty much continue the same behavior because, you know, we just... Graduated from college. Some of us find meaningful relationships in college and some of us even decide to marry those college girlfriends or boyfriends (personal experience tells me this is not a good idea), but for many of us, the post college experience is a time to enjoy life as if you were in college only with earlier wake-ups, fewer papers, and more money.

During the years between 0-27, many of us are single for good stretches of time and save for the prom night you were dateless and listening to The Cure and plotting ways to kill ourselves, we are pretty much okay with it. In fact, some of us LOVE singledom, particularly when we FINALLY make that decision to pitch that bitch/dickhead.

And why do we have no problem with being single between the ages of 0-27? Because absolutely everyone around us and more importanly the ENTIRE AMERICAN CULTURE/SOCIETY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH ANYONE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 0-27 BEING SINGLE!!!

Think about it. Everyone supports you when you are single at those ages. When you go crying to your guidance counselor (this is the only time they do work by the way ;)) about getting dumped, they tell you, "it's okay... You'll find someone else." When you get pitched in college, your friends say, "you were way too good for him anyways." And when you break up with your post college girlfriend, people say, "dude, she was kind of a bitch... And also, I never told you this but... She was kinda a butterface."

Whoa, sorry. I think it is just me who heard that one.

Anyways, we are totally, utterly, and completed supported when we are single for those 27 years. Sure, there are some nights when we feel left out because all of our friends are out with their significant others, but there was always those one, two, or three guys/girls we could hang out with, even if it meant scrolling through your phone to your group of second tier friends.

But all of a sudden, when 28 hits, you HAVE to find someone.

You can feel it creeping in at 27 and the fact that you have a wedding every other weekend (seriously, do you remember how many weddings you had at that age?!? At 35, I've been to three weddings in the last four years) sure MAKES it seem like that you HAVE to find someone, doesn't it?

But you don't.

Only there is no one telling you that you DON'T have to find someone. In fact, the direct opposite begins to happen. You start scrolling match.com and wonder if 8 Minute Dating is for you. You REALLY like the guy your friend says you should meet because, wow, he likes ice cream and the beach JUST LIKE YOU!!!

And then you convince yourself that maybe your standards are a bit too high and that you probably shoud have given that guy with the tassels on his shoes one more date because MAYBE you would have developed feelings for him (what the hell does this mean by the way?!? Humans can tell within approximately four seconds if they want to be with someone... Either you want to have crazy wild sex with them or you don't. Sexual attraction doesn't "develop." Just ask the Tennis Girl from UMass. Regardless of how charming I was, she wasn't going to sleep with my Masshole self.).

It's painful and while I wish we were strong enough to fight this and be confident in our singledom, but not all of us are. And the reason we can't be is that sociaty absolutely does not let us feel confident about being 28+ and being single. Oh, Sex And The City tried, but it was too outnumbered by the Wedding Section at Barnes And Noble, biological clocks, and preposterous garbage like Bride Wars. In fact, didn't Sex And The City end with a marriage?!? Even that caved.

And by the way, this may sound like I am only talking about women, but I'm not. Guys are just as bad, just as self conscious, just as scared of being alone. But instead of wedding movies to motivate us to get married, we have Fat Guy With Pretty Girl sitcoms to motivate us to get married. You guys have dress shopping and menu selection to get you excited for the prospect of marriage, we men have a weekly card game with our four buddies to get us excited for marriage.

My point? As Valentines Day approaches, I know that it is not easy to be 28+ and single. But it's also okay. Maybe nobody has told you that. I sometimes think that nobody told me it was okay because they were strangely envious of what I had. Not that they were jealous of the fact that I was a "swinging single," but jealous of the fact that I could be strong enough to be in my 30s and be by myself. I always had the sense that some people (not everyone mind you) wished they could do it too. Be alone and be comfortable with it.

Because you should be comfortable with it.

Because it's okay.

I mean, you could be having dinner with tassel shoe boy this weekend, right? And how is that better than getting really drunk (read: Are you alone this Valentines Day? Four words. Best. Singles. Night. Ever.) with a couple friends and then going home and watching Love Actually?

It isn't.

And I wish more people told us this.