As LL Cool J Said, Don't Call It A Comeback

come·back (kŭm'bāk') n. A return to formerly enjoyed status or prosperity: The film star made an unexpected comeback.

The key word there is FORMERLY. A person makes a comeback when they had a FORMERLY enjoyed status. Take, for example, the Hollywood career of John Travolta.

As we all know, John Travolta was on top of the world in the late seventies with his turn as Danny Zuko in Grease and then as a "Mistah Kaater" bothering Vinnie Barbarino in Welcome Back Kotter. Then things started to go south for Vinnie Barbarino. He had a modicum of success with Urban Cowboy in 1980 and Staying Alive in 1983, but then he all but disappeared until 1994 when he reapperaed as some fat ganster who really dug swine named Vincent Vega. If it weren't for Look Who's Talking in 1989, we'd have thought that Travolta was holed up in a bunker drinking Narragansetts while reminiscing the glory days with Micky Dolenz and Danny Bonaduce.

After Pulp, Travolta went on to become the highest paid actor in Hollywood, owner of his own jet, and Oprah's favorite white person.

Now THAT's a comeback.

Other examples might be Jason Bateman (nothing for the twelve years between portraying David Hogan on the mildly successful Valerie and his cult star status on Arrested Development) and Robert Downey Jr. (I swear he died at one point).

But you know who is not a "comeback?"

Britney Spears. And that's because she never went anywhere.

Since Brit burst onto the scene in 1999, she has released six albums (which is infinitely more than Guns N' Roses released in the same time span) which have totalled 85 million in sales. She has won some type of award in seven of the nine years she has been on the scene. She won Grammys, Billboard Music Awards, and VMAs. She has starred in a movie (which while bad, never shows up on all time worst lists... Glitter usually takes its place), had a cameo in a summer blockbuster, won rave reviews for her appearance on How I Met Your Mother, and shown up on COUNTLESS magazine covers and tabloid shows (I literally mean countless) and just two days ago, she was announced to be the most searched person on Yahoo! over the past year (on a side note, there are people who still use Yahoo! as a search engine?!? I haven't used anything but Google for a search since Al Gore invented the internet). Finally, I get my Rolling Stone this month and who is on the cover?!? If you guessed Mandy Moore, you are incorrect.

My point? This ubiquitous "Britney Comeback" I keep hearing about is anything but a comeback.

Because she never left.

Honestly, can you think of a stretch of time where you HAVEN'T seen Britney Spears? I'll ask you these questions right now...

What did her outfit look like when she wore the snake around her neck at the VMAs?
What was on underneath that black suit in her original VMA appearance?
What is her ex-husbands name?
What's the name of the dude she married in Vegas?
What funky haircut did she go with a couple years back?
What happened to her when she interviewed with someone on a "big" TV interview? Who interviewed her?
Has she had issues with her children?
Who did she appear in all white with on stage and what happened during that appearance?

I could ask more, but I know you already know the answers. And why am I asking you all these questions?!? Because in her nine years of famousness (is that even a word?), she has never "disappeared." Ergo, there can NEVER be a Britney Spears comeback because she NEVER LEFT!!! She has been making videos, movies, albums, and appearances galore for her entire existence. While Bateman and Travolta were taking ten years off, Britney was taking ten minutes off.

But yet we keep talking about this comeback! Why?!? There is nothing to come back from! As I said above, her career has spanned all of nine years. From 1999-2003, she was on top of the world with three albums, a high profile relationship with JT, and countless videos and appearances. Even during her darkest days, she was still releasing albums and making videos. "Toxic", "My Prerogative", and "Pieces of Me" were all in heavy rotation on MTV and the airwaves in 2004, 2005, 2007 respectively.

Now granted, she went through some difficult times with the K-Fed years, the Vegas wedding, the head shaving, the custody battles, the lip synching, and the weight gain. But as they say in Hollywood, all publicity is good publicity.

I completely agree with that and so how and when did she ever disappear during these times?!? I mean, her career has spanned nine years! Jason Bateman and John Travolta both fell off the face of the Earth for nine years for crissakes.

I understand we live in a different age where there is complete media saturation and so it is virtually impossible for anyone to disappear, but it can happen. Look at Johnny Depp and Daniel Day-Lewis and Prince. These guys pop up once a year, make a ridiculously awesome movie or record and then sail back into relative obscurity. Britney has never done this and she never will so in no way shape and form can anything related to Britney Spears be called a comeback.

Part of it was that Britney captured lighting in a bottle. There hadn't been a female sensation/icon in years. Madonna held the throne in the 80s and I think that our culture was starving for an iconic woman. During the early to mid nineties, that female superstar was not existent. The two who came closest to holding the mantle of Female Icon were Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson, but neither was OVERLY famous, they didn't cross genres much and both weren't idolized by young women. They were strictly the fascination of men. And so when Britney came along with the absolutely phenomenal pop song that IS "Oops I Did It Again" (don't believe me? Ask Simon Cowell), people were DYING of Female Icon thirst and so they drank up whatever was in front of them. And that person happened to be Britney Spears. It could have been Christina, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, or even Pink, but they all came just a little too late. In the words of my boy Brian, she was the first in, just like iPods were the first in on the digital music scene. Those other girls were all just Zune players and Roxio's trying to break into a market that was monopolized by Britney.

But all of that said, the comeback stuff is just so frustrating, because she isn't coming back. She didn't go anywhere. I'm not sure why all of this bothers me so much (I think it has something to do with the fact that she should absolutely not be a star that people are infatuated with because she is so painfully untalented), but it does. I feel like we have been hearing about a Britney Comeback for five years when in fact, she never had anything to come back from. In reality, I think that everyone just wants another female pop idol and since there isn't one around, everyone wants to hop in Marty McFly's time machine and go back to 1999 when there was a nice, cute yet risque teen queen named Britney Spears fascinating people of all ages.

But as we know, this can't happen so I really, REALLY wish the fascination of Brit would go the same way as the one time fascination of Paul Anka.

Who's that?

Exactly.