Skankoween

We all know that Halloween is the absolute worst holiday. For most of us non-douche bags and non-chuckahs, this is understood. Along with St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve, Halloween has the "Do Not Go Out" sign draped on it for you are bound to be surrounded by tools of all sorts regardless of where you go.

But when did this once glorious children's holiday turn into one giant Foxy Lady, complete with skankolicious costumes?

Believe me, I do not find these costumes the least bit offensive and they often produce some of the best pictures on Barstool's Local Smokeshow of The Day. But I just want to know two things.

1. When and how did the skank halloween costume happen?
2. How is said skank costume not the single greatest topic of conversation between the days of October 15th and November 1st?

Let me explain why I have question number one.

I have a great ability (so says I) of understanding and figuring out the exact tipping point of all things pop culture. While I am not as good as Klosterman at figuring this out, I am better than Simmons. For example...

I understand the big hair trend that I grew up with in B-Town in the 1980s (and, unfortunately for B-Town, the early 1990s). Cable television hadn't exploded, and the internet was only a thing of Al Gore's dreams, so all we really had to influence us was MTV and 80s movies. And EVERY GIRL in an 80s video from Whitesnake, Poison, or Cinderella had big hair (why high school girls thought it was a good idea to follow the lead of faux metal groupies is an entriely separate post). As did the ladies of 80s movies. Jake's girlfriend in 16 Candles and Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club are both in their full Aqua Net glory in each film. So naturally, girls of that time period were going to copy that look.

Then we have the god awful "grunge" look with girls dressed in Doc Martens and flannels (it would figure that I- lover of all things skanky and cheesey- went to college in this era). This can obviously be blamed on Eddie Vedder, Kurt Cobain, and Singles. From there, we moved onto the half shirt, pierced navel, and exposed thong. Certainly a phenomenal era and one that can be directly attributed to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Girls getting tatoos can be blamed on Pamela Anderson (think about this... All those chicks we loved from the 80s and early 90s like Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, and even Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from her Saved By The Bell days were all sans tattoo... Now, there is scarcely a skankolicious hottie alive that DOESN'T have the tattoo. It was Pammy and her tats that blew this thing up and that's a fact). And todays short dresses with high boots (yes, I love this stage) can be blamed on those idiotic chicks from The Hills and it's awful offshoots.

But what caused the skank Halloween costume? I mean, why does it exist? Where was the tipping point? At what point did Skankoween do the opposite of Jump The Shark (By the way? What is the opposite of Jumping The Shark? By definition, it has to be when you realize that something is so totally awesome. For example, when I was watching Seven, I distincly remember the scene where I said, whoa, this movie is incredible. There has to be an antonym for Jumping The Shark. Discuss).

In Amherst in the Fall of 1995, I clearly recall being at a Halloween party and it was skank free. The girls were a baseball player (with a actual uniform instead of mini shorts, high socks, and a cut in half Red Sox shirt), a scarecrow (with a flannel probably left over from her '92 wardrobe) and a farmer. After college, I went to a few Halloween parties and I was even in Salem one year. I saw women as witches, women as Axl and Slash, and women as football players. Still, I saw no skanks. In fact, it was a terrible night to go out because girls would be dressed up in big baggy costumes and god awful make-up and it would really grind my gears because I wanted some skank, goddamit.

But then, one day, out of nowhere came the Skankoween. It was like the emergence of David Ortiz. There was no groundswell for the skank costume. There was no pre-tsunami like warning. There was no pop culture altering episode of Friends or ER where everyone dressed like skanks. It just came to be. And I have no rationale explanation as to where it came from. It wasn't part of the Britney/Christina generation, because girls just dressed liked them on a daily basis. It wasn't a by product of skank fests like The Girls Next Door or The Gauntlet because the Skankoween happened before that.

So really, what spawned this phenomenon? And more importantly, how has it become a completely acceptable part of our culture? Now, because I am a Pam Anderson skank lover, I have no problem with said phenomenon, but where is the outrage? Where are the feminists who stand outside of Hooters protesting the uniform (which actually leaves far more to the imagination than some Skankoween costumes I have experienced)? How can Halloween stores sell costumes that are LITERALLY called Naughty Nurse, Sexy Sailor, and Buxom Bumblebee (okay, I made that one up, but not bad, right?)? How come when you ask a girl what she is going to be for Halloween and she replies, "Britney Spears," you know she is going to come dressed as this Britney Spearsas opposed to this Britney Spears? What do parents of tweens do when they walk together down the aisle at IParty and see these costumes?!? Do they say to their kids, "Listen Ava, you cannot be a Naughty Nurse this year because you are only 14, but in five years, when you are a freshman at Westfield State, you can wear that costume, get really drunk, and post pictures of it on Facebook along with your spring break bikini pics."

I mean, really, where is the outrage? Women I know (even the classy ones... Yes, I know classy women... A few) don't even raise an eyebrow at the "dirty" cop or the french maid. In fact, some women proudly tell you AHEAD of time that they are going to be a Naughty Nurse and we who receive that information don't even do bat an eye. We just take it in and say, "oh, that's cool."

I guess in our age of lethargy, I shouldn't be surprised that no one cares about skankstumes. We all know that dudes are going to say absolutely nothing about this lest we lose a night where we can see girls dressed like strippers without having to go to a strip club, but what about you women. Specifically, you classy ladies out there; what's your excuse?!? Why aren't you angry?!? Do you too secretly WANT to wear these costumes, only your inner Catholic tells you you shouldn't feel this way?!? Or do you just make fun of the girls afterwards?!? Or do you just not care because while Sexy Pussy Cat may look good in her leather pants, you can beat her at Scrabble!? I mean, give me something!

And if you can't find the energy, passion, or interest to get upset about this, could you at least tell me why and how Skankoween became an acceptable part of our culture? Because I do want to know that.

Ultimately, I know I won't be saying anything, but I have a reason for that. If Skankoween keeps up, we'll eventually have costumes where girls just go as "one of the girls from the orgy in Eyes Wide Shut" or "one of the girls from the photos at the end of The Hangover."

And that wouldn't bother me one bit.