Because You Tell Everyone You Are An A Lister, Doesn't Make You An A Lister

MTV, US Weekly, Entertainment Tonight, and TMZ lead us astray. Why? Because on Saturday night, the person sitting directly across from me looked me dead in the eye and said that Diddy is an A Lister. I had to laugh. I laughed even harder when my combatant said that he was an A Lister because he is "a great business man." I guess that makes Warren Buffet an A Lister too.

Despite how much Diddy himself (and MTV) wants Diddy to happen, he is absolutely not an A Lister. I'll explain later why he isn't. First, let's get to some other people who aren't A Listers

Britney Spears, J-Lo, Rihanna, Lupe Fiasco, Kate Hudson, JJ Abrahms, Tony Soprano, The Pussycat Dolls, Peyton Manning, Megan Fox (she's just my future GF), Shia Labeouf, anyone from Mad Men, Jennifer Aniston, Christina Aguilera, Adam Sandler, Jim Carey, Will Ferrel, Vince Vaughn, Jessica Simpson, Chris Brown, Adrian Grenier, Mario Lopez, Jeremy Piven, Zac Effron, Lil Wayne, Sarah Palin, John Grisham, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Jessica Biel, Maraiah Carey, any reality star, Brooke Burke (so hot though. And like 50 kids!) Kevin Bacon, Charlie Sheen, Mark Ruffalo (note the objectivity), Wayne Gretzky, Manny, all my indie bands, Barry Bonds, Eva Longoria, Tony Parker, Roger Clemens, Nicholas Sparks, Richard Gere, Nick Lachey (and I love him), Spike Lee, Al Pacino, Peyton Manning, anyone in Good Charlotte, LC, Kelly Clarkson, Brody Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Jeff Probst, Simon Cowell, Robert Downey, Jr., or Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.

Because we are celebrity obsessed society (I'm part of this scene by the way, only there are certainly people who read this blog who are way worse than me), we love watching Heidi Montag (not A List) get a Starbucks and Matthew Perry (A List? Please) be a bitch (who knew?).

For the most part, we who take in these tabloid rags know that they are exactly what they are and nothing more. It's funny to see people get really mad at "stars" becoming "stars" who really don't deserve to be "stars" (talk to my brother about the cast of The Hills), but occassionally, these pieces of journalism do give us interesting nuggets (I had no idea that Audrina Partrdige would be in my top 10 girlies and I also had no idea that Arnold no longer looked like he did in Commando).

However, after drinking several martinis and breaking down "The A List" with a fellow celebrity gossip whore, I realized that MTV (God I hate you), US Weekly, ET, and TMZ- while completely addicting- have more than blurred the lines between who is a "celebrity" and who is an honest to goodness, real, true, actual celebrity. Now, as I said in the beginning, most of us KNOW who are celebrities and who are not, but who is actually on The A List? In fact, I thought about this for so long, that it was my sole brainstorm for somewhere between fifteen and nineteen hours.

I started by googling "A List" and Celine Dion came up (please). So did Paris Hilton (we'll get to this) and Jessica Alba (you have to be in a good movie to be on the A List). So obviously google knew nothing. I then turned to various celebrity websites to see who made covers and what stories were happening right now. They were all as worthless as google. So when no one could help me and I thought that everyone was being ridiculous, I did what I do best and decided to get together with some people to make the A List. The committee consisted of me.

I crafted a list of qualifications to be on the A List (this took about six hours) and I decided to go with what most wannabe smart guys end up going with: A sports analogy.

I deemed that to be an A Lister, you have to be a Five Tool Player, like in baseball (hit for avaerage, hit for power, run, throw, and range). But I couldn't have just five tools, so I went with seven. To be an A Lister, I decided that one has to:
1. Be Good
2. Be recognizable, but not a media whore
3. Be rich or command a big salary
4. Dominate an era (a Hall of Fame prerequisite)
5. Not do anything horrifically cheesey just to stay relevant
6. Be Relevant RIGHT NOW
7. Be hot

So here is why Diddy is out.

While he achieved some of the aforementioned, he never did any of them well. At the height of his music fame, there were other rappers better, like Jay Z, Biggie, and Dre. His record company has no one on it (Gorilla Zoe? What?), no one watches his MTV show, his movie splash was a made for TV movie stolen from a junior high summer reading list, and although Danity Kane has experienced minor success, they have already imploded because Diddy had to fire those that were becoming bigger than him. The fact that Diddy is loud and MTV loves him does not make him successful. Right now, his biggest success is his clothing line. He's a lesser version of Ralph Lauren and is Ralph Lauren an A Lister? Please. I think I win on this one Ming, but you can still cook better than me. ;)

Others who are out and why:

Rihanna hasn't done it long enough, Jessica Simpson has a bad shoe line and dates Tony Romo, not enough people watch Adrian Grenier in Entourage, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, and J-Lo were once there but have done nothing lately, Lindsay Lohan is a joke, Jessica Biel has never been in a good movie, and Peyton Manning isn't good looking enough.

Paris Hilton is the prime example of what an A Lister IS NOT. She is not good, relevant, and everything she does is for attention. She is both a media whore AND someone who does cheesey things for attention. While people WANT to make her an A Lister, the people in the know realize she is not. She does nothing well and she is not in demand. At all. If she's an A Lister, then so is Paul Anka.

And where can an A Lister come from? Well, that's part of what makes an A Lister an A Lister... They transcend genres. An A Lister can be from ANY part of the celebrity world and these people will always be evaluated on a case by case basis because A Listers tend to be from the Silver Screen. That's where the money and fame are. So, if an athlete or TV Star is REALLY good and recognizable, but maybe not as rich as a Hollywood actor, then s/he can make the A List (if I were doing an 1987 A List, Bill Cosby and Michael J. Fox are on it no doubt). Make sense? Well too bad... Because it does to me.

Now more on the qualifications...

In fantasy baseball, a player who hits for overwhlemingly big power, but doesn't steal bases, will still go for big money because his power can compensate. That is why there has to be An A List Hall of Fame, because some people are not relevant RIGHT NOW because they might not have a movie out or might be in semi retirement, but they will still always be part of the A List because of what they have accomplished. Here is a partial list of The A List Hall of Fame (must be living or this could go on all day):

Tom Cruise, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Spielberg, Bono, David Letterman, Jay Z, Martin Scorcese (see how objective I can be?), Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, Martha Stewart, Bill Clinton, Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Sting, George Lucas, Robert De Niro, Harrison Ford, Shaq, Sean Connery, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts (admitting that hurts), Bill Gates, Stephen King, Snoop, and Mark Hammill (joke).

There are probably a few more you can nominate, but since I am the judge and I came up with the scoring system, then I get last say. Now on to the difficult part: Who are current A Listers?

The A List is forever changing, but it gets thrown around too easily. To use another analogy, I envision the A List being like colleges. The best are the best are the best. We can argue and have personal hatreds (Duke? Notre Dame?), but no matter how much you might hate Harvard kids, you still know that Harvard is better than UMass. End of story. No matter how happy you are that you're a BC alum, BC is not Harvard just like Ben Affleck is not George Clooney. So while your BC diploma is certainly better than Bridgewater State (say, Tom Berenger?) and FSU (Christian Slater?), your Affleck Equitable Diploma is certainly no Cal Tech (Angie?).

And so how many cream of the crop colleges are there out there? Twelve? Fifteen? Twenty five, max. It's not more than that and so the A List cannot be more than twenty five at any given time. If one person makes it on, then another is off. 25 seem too few? Well, that's what the A List is. Do all students get all As? Nope, but they are all STUDENTS just like all celebrities are, to some extent celebrities. And like there are A Students, there are also A Listers.

So here's the A List (in no particular order). There were lots of close calls (Beyonce, Ben Stiller, Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon, Affleck, Kobe, Quentin Tarantino, Christian Bale) but this is the list. It is static and cannot be argued. If you don't like it, you are quite simply hating.

1. George Clooney (President, Chairman, and CEO)
2. Brad Pitt
3. Johnny Depp
4. Oprah (Hot she ain't, but she crushes everything else)
5. Will Smith
6. Tom Brady (Fuck!)
7. Gisele (Makes me hate number 12 even more!)
8. Angie
9. Kanye West
10. Matt Damon
11. Barack
12. Chris Martin
13. Steve Carrel
14. Madonna
15. JK Rowling
16. A-Rod
17. JT
18. Tina Fey
19. Leo
20. Ryan Seacrest
21. Becks
22. Judd Apatow
23. Jon Stewart
24. Denzel
25. Matt Berninger

Let me know if I missed any. I'll be happy to explain why your binkie is absolutely not an A Lister...

The 12 Best Teams Ever (You Know Where This Is Going)

Sorry about the delay between posts... I've been busy explaining to my conservative friends that it was the Saudis, not the Pakistanis who paid Barack Obama's college tuition...

Well, the Red Sox season ended with a whimper on Sunday night and while I refused to watch the Rays post game celebration because of my irritation, I was quickly over the loss. And thanks to a fantastic episode from Vinny Chase and the Boys, I was laughing mere minutes later.

Why didn't I take this loss that badly? Well, for starters, they just won two World Series titles, so the loss wasn't near as heart wrenching. But more importantly, I just didn't like this team that much. Obviously, trading Manny didn't help, but I wasn't feeling the team even before then. As many of you know, I root for INDIVIDUAL athletes and not teams so much. So even though this team was a group of gritty guys who played well together, they didn't do much for me. I like Lester, Paps (strangely), JD (because I like to be a non-conformist), Dice-K, and Coco (I wonder why). But the new young guys (Lowrie, Ellsbury, Masterson, Pedroia, YOOOOOOOOOK!) don't do much for me, mostly because they are too white or too religious or just too overrated. And then this team had Tek, Timlin, Wake, Ortiz, and Mr. 38 Pitches. These guys all fall on the likeability scale somewhere between Sean Hannity and Zach Braff. So needless to say, they are not my favorites and already, I am thinking about the Celtics and hoping that Peavy and Teixeira come aboard (and maybe we can bring in Jimmy Rollins or Carl Crawford to increase the coolness factor around here) Team Theo.

And you know what else all this indifference has got me thinking about? Why, my favorite all time teams of course.

As Bill Simmons recently wrote, being a sports fan seems to wane as you age. You discover other interests or maybe actually have REAL concerns like a family, home, or job. But there will always be those teams you loved. Sometimes, it's about time and place. I look back and think that I was SUPPOSED to be at the height of my sports fandom in my pre-teen and teen years, but I have weirdly liked teams in my adulthood. Probably more than I should have, given that it IS only sports. But I like eight things and so when I do like something, I like it a lot. That, or I have no more Star Wars films to look forward to, so other than indie rock bands and Brad Pitt films, I have nothing left to like in my Grinch like world except for sports teams.

So, without further ado, here are the best 12 teams of all time.

12. 1989-90 Boston Bruins: Damn you Glen Wesley! I haven't watched more than thirteen hours of NHL hockey since then and I'm not sure if the Minnesota Northstars are still in the league or not, but damn did I like this team. Watching these Bruins gave me and my high school friends something to do other than watch me call Ginger and ask her to the Junior Prom. But they were also really likable. Unfotunately, they ran into an Edmonton Oiler team that was the antithesis of the Bruins and played a lot like the Italian National Soccer team. The series went bad right away when Fire Box Glen Wesley missed a wide open net in double(?) OT of game 1. The Bruins could never bounce back. Strangely though, mentioning that goal gave me some of the most credibility ever one night. I was hanging out with a bunch of manly men whom I had only just met and they were clearly sizing up my ambiguously gay outfit and plotting ways to shove me in a trash barrel all while they discussed hockey. I dropped my disdain for Mr. Wesley and his poor backhander during a lull in the conversation and I was instantly accepted into the group. I quickly got up and left Constanza style and was remembered fondly forever (I hope) by these pick up truck driving, Bud guzzling, MEN. So fuck you Fire Box. But Thanks too.

11. 1989 San Francisco 49ers: Yes, there was a time I liked football. There was also a time I liked white dudes. And can you get any whiter than Joe Montana? I really liked this skinny white guy who threw only ducks. Thankfully, he had Jerry Rice to catch said birds. This is definitely what is missing in football today... Awesome offensive teams that can run AND pass (these teams may exist now, but I don't know who they are). And with the stupid Patriots going 18-1 last year, Montana remains the sole QB with a perfect super bowl record of 4-0.

10. 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls: These were some lean times in Boston. The Belichick era hadn't begun. The Duke will still signing horrible players in the hopes that they replaced Mo Vaughn's OBP. The Bruins were... The Bruins. Even my Minutemen were down. And so I needed somebody to love. Like a rebound chcik, I needed a rebound team after some great years in the mid 90s. And these Bulls were the perfect team to latch onto and use for a bit. It wasn't their best season ever, but man did I love MJ at that point. As I said at the outset, I loved individual players. And was there a better individual player ever than MJ? No. I only wish this team moved 1500 miles east and was called the 1997-1998 Boston Celtics.

9. Team Pete Sampras: Yeah, I know he's not a team. But I love individuals. And I know he is the anti-Gerard: Nice, low key, says all the right things. But I love him. And as Wall pointed out once, it is kind of the reason I root against Federer (who I love) as I don't want Sampras' records broken. And watching that U.S. Open Final run in '02 was incredible. I just kept waiting for him to lose and he never did. Plus, there was that U.S. Open in 1996 when he vomited off to the side of the court and then beat Alex Corretja, down two sets to one (I was watching this at the Greenhouse in Billerica). I vomit and have to lay down for four days. This guy beats someone in tennis 90 minutes after tossing.

8. My Sega NHL '95 Team: 10 Hitching Post realized that in this new version of NHL, you could make teams. So we created a draft, complete with a draft board and everything. My team was led by Roenick and I battled Hayes' Bure for thescoring title all year. It was pathetic. I would be on a breakaway with Fleury and wait to dish to Roenick, just to get him goals. It was like that game where the Spurs just fed The Admiral so they could get him the scoring title. Only I did that every game. Anyways, there was some controversy between the pipes (CuJo had the better ranking, but an up and coming Martin Brodeur was better) for team Gerard, but I rode Brodeur to a Stanley Cup victory as Hayes was stunned in the semifinals. Sometimes when I can't sleep, it's because I'm thinking of ways to feed Roenick a one timer, sort of like some of you see the Tetris shapes after you've been playing too long.

7. The 1996 New England Patriots: Yes, Parcells was the man as was that girl Terry Glenn, but it was the presence of one guy that made me love this team. In a apro pos sense of karma, it was the lack of that very same guy that made me hate all things NFL.

Let me pause for a brief explanation of omissions...

I didn't like the NBA in 1986, thus I know nothing about the Celtics. Other than the stories I've been told, I have not one iota of firsthand knowledge as to why they were good... 2006 Minutmen (football), 2007 Minutemen (hockey), 2007 Minutemen (soccer). All could have been number two on the list, but eh... Never mind... In a bit of foreshadowing, let's just say it's like putting two songs by the same band back to back on a mix tape... 1986 Sox. Loved baseball more than anything, but at that time, I liked the Royals better and their 1985 team was much harder to cut from the list than these '86 Sox. Seriously...

6. The 1999 Red Sox: In case you have forgotten how much you loved this team, please remember these words (and digits): Cleveland. 1999. Game 5. Pedro. Out of the bullpen. I may have actually liked this team more than the one that shows up later as I was a bigger Sox fan then and they hadn't been tainted by The Pink Hats and people who say, "The Sox are losing four to seven," but for reasons that need no explanation, this is my second favorite Sox team. Still can't get those feelings straight for this team? Then remember these additional words (and digits) please: Bullpen door opens. Pedro walks out. Can't throw 90. Six. No. Hit. Innings.

5. Team Tiger: Have you watched golf since the U.S. Open? Didn't think so.

4. 2008 U.S. Olympic Mens Basketball Team: I think you've read a post or two about these guys. I'm 34, poor, my beard is going gray, and for fun, I write this fucking thing. I get excited for gingerbread lattes and new T Mobile commercials. And I haven't enjoyed something as much as I enjoyed that team since I discovered four dollars in my sweatshirt pocket when I was broke and all I wanted was a DP Dough that cost... Four dollars. Plus, people hated on this team. I still would love to know what the ratings were for that final game at 2:30 Sunday morning. They probably didn't register. But I was on the couch, Pabst in hand, supporting my boys.

3. 2007-2008 Boston Celtics: It took me awhile to get on board with the Cees, but I did during the Antoine Walker era. And the Travis Ford era. And the Ricky Davis era. And the Gerald Green era. Let's say the payoff was worth it. There roster of completely awesome dudes sans a single European stiff makes them all the more awesome. And here we are, seven days before the team raises Banner #17 and I still feel like people don't like this team as much as they should. Which is fine... All the more for me. Oh and by the way, they stayed European free.

2. The 2004 Boston Red Sox: I can't believe the ups and downs this team caused me. I felt like Diane Lane on the train in Unfaithful on a nightly basis. I laughed, I cried, I ripped a shirt (seriously), I vowed never to watch them again, then I was Super Fan Number 99. Look back on this team in 25 years and they will be remebered like the 1980 U.S. Olympic Team. The Sox will trot out Bill Mueller for the 25th anniversary and Dave Roberts will have section of the New Fenway named for him. I bet the even resurrect Nelson, that midget friend of Pedro's. It was the perfect team for the perfect championship; a mix of gritty workers for the Massholes, movie stars for the Pink Hats, goons for the goons, and prima donnas for the Gerard's. Varitek shoved his glove in Stray Rod's face, my boy Theo sent Nomar packing, Ortiz walked off to beat the Angels, the Sox got crushed, Millar walked, Roberts stole second, Mueller beat Mo again, Ortiz walked off a few more times, there was a bloody sock, D-Lowe redeemed himself, Mientkiewicz put the ball in his pocket, and Manny won World Series MVP. Then Pedro got hit in the head by a ball at the parade. Perfect.

1. The 1995-1996 University of Massachusetts Minutemen: I recently read that there are only 240,000 UMass grads in the world. That means this team is shared by less than .001% of the population. I don't have to share this team with all of Red Sox Nation in New Hampshire or all of the Joe the Plumbers who rooted for the 1996 Patriots. They are all mine. Well, me and 239,999 other UMass fuckheads. But they were still MINE and I loved them. I loved the Calipari U, I loved the missing link Inus Norville, and I loved seeing them on TV every game they played. I loved that they beat Kentucky and Georgetown and Temple thrice. I loved that we used to see Marcus uptown. I loved that he accepted jewelry and that the NCAA claims there was only three teams in the Final Four this year. I loved that on the same day of our massive Final Four party, Shaun-O and I drafted a league winning fantasy baseball team (and drove to the draft with the T-Tops off on his IROC). I loved that Calhoun and his pussy Huskies were too afraid to play we Minutmen. I loved that my stupid college was a national story for awhile and it made me forget my BC Inferiority Complex. But I mostly loved (still love) all the memories that team brought me. And although there are a thousand other things that have become or will become more important to me than sports, for a few months of my senior year in college, sports were everything. I'll never love a team like this, but I'll always try not to hate on people who love a team so passionately because maybe, just maybe (but I doubt it), said fan loves their team as much as I loved mine.

Honestly, How Can You Hate This Show?

Been thinking about a few things while I wait until November 1st to turn on the heat...

Yes I love baseball. Yes I've discussed this before. Yes it's cliche. But there really is nothing better than playoff baseball. As you know, I was singing the praises of the Cees and the greatness that is basketball last spring, but did you watch those last two innings of game four the other night? There is not another sport that has the tension that baseball does. People can talk about it being slow all they want as there is no up and down and back and forth like other sports, but the tension is just so amazing. In basketball, your team with the ball, down by two, with ten seconds left is tense. As is a hockey game 7 in OT. A football game winning field goal? Please... The tension there is really great with that time out and all. But baseball? You hang on every single pitch. How awesome is your team pitching and it's bases loaded, no out? You freak out with that first pop out and then potential for the double play. Yeah it can slow, yeah it can be long, but like a great movie, no sport can create the tension that exists in baseball...

And speaking of baseball, there was no WAY the Sox could win that series against the Angels could they? I mean, they are hurt, slumping offensively, and the bottom of their lineup is gross yet they... Won. Thankfully, Jon Lester has turned into Andy Pettitte and any Bucky Dent homers and Bill Buckner errors have long since been forgotten. This team is no longer snakebitten, just charmed...

Yet another phenomenal Coldplay song has been released as a single. Hate them all you want, but it's easily one of the year's best CDs...

Is it possible that Barack can really win this thing?!? I've been trying not to say that out loud, but that debate was a disaster for McCain the other night. He needed to win it and got crushed...

So happy to read today that the Supreme Court tossed out that pathetic lawsuit by Lexington parents that said gay themed books were a violation of first amendment rights to freedom of religion (say what?). That's why I love the Supreme Court. A bunch of smart people bitch slapping down the morons of the world. And does it surprise people a little bit that it was LEXINGTON parents who filed this suit?!? I expected more from them... If it were Pepperell parents, well that would make sense...

I don't care what anyone says or how preposterous it may get, but Entourage is still awesome. I'm not specifically sure why I stand so staunchly by it, but I feel like people just hate on it to hate on it. It doesn't have a plot people. It never will. That's not what it's about. In case you missed it, there was no plot in Seinfeld either. And it's not supposed to be ER or Friends or any sort of TV altering drama like The Sopranos or Lost. But I do know that I love that it is a show about guy friends and there are rarely stories about that. I mean, if you're a dude and you hate this, you're just hating. Your TV show you made about guys would suck. And those shows that have ridiculous stereotypes, yet are loved by men like King of Queens are so tired. At least Entourage is trying something new and not going with the same wife/girlfriend/drinking buddy jokes that every other show has. I also probably find it more interesting than other people because of the movie industry references and subplots. This season is particularly great because it deals with Vinny not being on top anymore, which must happen ALL THE TIME in Hollywood. Not to mention, "Something Is Not Right With Me" closed a show a couple of weeks ago...

Speaking of which, September 23rd has come and gone and the three CDs I was eargerly awaiting are INCREDIBLE. TV On The Radio is an absolute classic with a metacritic score of 91 and Cold War Kids, while being hated on by hater critics, is tremendous. It's far more mellow than the debut and said debut was so good that it's tough to compare the two, but taken for what it is, it's phenomenal. But the shocking CD is Kings of Leon. I sometimes hate on these guys because they are young, pompous, ass clowns but I can't believe how good "Use Sombody" and "Manhattan" are. Long time fans hate the new disc because it's poppy and cheesey, which is precisely why I love it...

And Nathan, the leader singer of CWK, was a teacher before he became a rocker. It's gonna happen for me, I can FEEL it...

What really bothers me about Sarah Palin? No, not her thoughts on dinosaurs or abortion, but the red blazer she wears EVERYWHERE. Doesn't she have something else in her wardrobe? Drop some military medals on that thing and she'd be Napoleon. Bonaparte, not Dynamite...

I absolutely hate the blog/website barstool sports (largely because the guy is an ass clown who can't write, yet is way more successful than me), but I cannot stop checking it because of the daily "Local Smokeshow Of The Day" he posts. He finds girls from around Boston and posts pictures of them and they are always ridiculously hot. When I'm surrounded by Irish Knit Sweaters at The Burren and Bruschi shirt wearing dudes at Magouns, I find myself wondering where it is all these smokeshows hang out...

For those of you who didn't know, I left Melrose. I'm at Lynnfield. I miss my friends, but I almost can't believe that MHS and LHS both fall under the same job umbrella (public high school) because there couldn't be a bigger difference. But like I said, I miss all my pals...

I saw Lil' Wayne on Saturday Night Live and he is really, REALLY good. I downloaded a bunch of songs and it's nice to hear something good in the rap world these days. I've always loved the genre when it is good, but because of the eminem/50 Cent influence the last ten years, it's been so long since it has been good...

Speaking of Saturday Night Live, they had Kings of Leon and The Killers perform on consecutive weeks. These two bands did not show up on the VMAs. Yet I bet far more people were interested in those performances than anything on MTV. Nice work MTV. How to stay relevant. Again...

Speaking of which, will MTV and TMZ stop trying to make the Britney Spears comeback thing happen? She was last relevant eight years ago. Those people who liked her are now 24 and listening to Death Cab. Today's young people like Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers. I don't know if you've heard of them MTV. Kids today have no interest in a fat, twenty something who could never sing...

Back to something you've heard a few times before: Curt Schilling. Can EVERYONE officially join my team and hate this guy? There will always be the bloody sock, but did you see him talk of coming back next year and that he could have been pitching in the playoffs had the Red Sox listened to him and let him have surgery last winter and blah, blah, blah? Could someone tell this guy to shut the fuck up? Where was the outrage on EEI? If Manny or Pedro pulled something like this, they'd be crucified. Yet the big fat white guy who was a "warrior" gets a free pass once again. Just shut up Curt. You're about as relevant as Britney Spears...

Sticking with the "where's the outrage?" theme, my brother brought a wild story to my attention. The CEO of Lehman Brothers earned 500 Million dollars in the past seven years while running his company into the ground. 500 million. Not 50 million. 500 million. A half a billion. He was punched in the face (seriously!) at his office gym just a couple of weeks ago by a disgruntled employee. My conservative friends are somehow pinning this whole mess on people like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd, but can someone please get mad at these billionaire CEOs?!? Please? Anyone? Bueller...?

I actually support the Massachusetts cops (despite being pulled over by Lynnfield's finest Wednesday) in their outrage at the losing of details. As a union guy, it is a change in working condtitions and needs to be collectively bargained. But I will say that the hundreds of thousands of Massachusetts residents who have been pulled over by really "coppish" dudes probably aren't crying over this...

I can't wait for Quarantine...

Did anyone happen to see (probably not) that the Celtics played a pre-season game at The Mullins Center in Amherst, thus combining two of my favorite things? It was nice to see KG pop jumpers from the UMass logo. Seeing this led me to what will be an upcoming post, my favorite all time teams...

October is shaping up to be yet another great CD month. The new Oasis came out Tuesday and Bloc Party and Snow Patrol come out later this month. And then in November, The Killers release a new CD. All of this makes me so happy that I can barely function...

Ever read Coupling on the back page of The Boston Globe Magazine? I have so many opinions about relationships that I can't believe I haven't submitted one yet. I'm trying to decide between submitting my piece on crazy girls reading emails and how people aren't surprised by this; the Magic 28 Theory, where men and women panic at that age and then just marry anyone; or how guys and girls really aren't and will never be friends because at least one always wants to sleep with the other, but yet they like to pretend they really are friends. Which do you think will piss off more people? And should I do a test run of these on my blog? I'll officially be out of female readers if I do...

And this years Sox team is not one of my all time favorites by the way. They have so many... White guys (I bet you didn't see that coming). Not only that, but they are all boring. They are basically turning into the lame Patriots where there are no good personalities and they just play like a "team." This works for the Massholes, but c'mon, are you really going to tell me you like Jed Lowrie? Jason Bay? They are so fucking boring that it is painful. I do like their rotation though. Dice K is obviously the man and at least Beckett and Lester aren't part of the God Squad. Although I was shockingly disappointed with Beckett's girlfriend...


Speaking of girlfriends, anyone see the GQ spread with Megan Fox?!? Yeah, I didn't either... I wonder if it's any good...

There is really nothing better than trivia games. A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I spent a weekend down the Cape where we spent 48 hours playing Scene It! and Buzz, an unbelievable game for Playstation that has actual buzzers. Anyone who has played it immediately becomes addicted. Playing trivia games will never get old and along with stuffwhitepeoplelike, I wish I thought to invent trivia games...

Speaking of stuffwhitepeoplelike, you been over there recently? While the fervor has certainly quelled, the writing by Jonathan Lander has not. The last two posts on pea coats and ultimate frisbee (how this wasn't #1 on stuffwhitepoplelike, I'll never know) are absolutely hysterical. Pay attention to what he says about what white people find in their pea coat pockets...

I can't believe how often The Globe mentions The Highland Kitchen...

Not sure how I forgot these two lines by Snow Patrol and Death Cab respectively: It's hard to argue when/You won't stop making sense/But my tongue still misbehaves and it/Keeps digging my own grave...... Our youth is fleeting/Old age is just around the bend/And i can't wait to go grey/And i'll sit and wonder/Of every love that could've been/If i'd only thought of something charming to say....

My boy Klosterman has a new book and it's fiction. I wonder if he can make the transition? Lord knows I'd write seventeen versions of the same book, so judge my boy I will not...

I love the T Mobile commercial with the dad saying that the family plan has a no Derek with mustaches clause in it. And that's Ari Gold's daughter by the way...

We may not always agree, but you'd be hard pressed to say who hates Halloween more, Molly or myself. So who writes the I Hate Halloween post first? As soon as she open's this, Molly will probably start one, seeing as where I beat her to the punch on the olympics one. Maybe we should co-write one Gees? I bet we both mention the fact that girls dress up as skanks on Halloween. But I bet only one of us comments on how much they enjoy this...

May as well be a complete and total homer... Sox in 7...

Cops Have More Free Time Than Teachers

A big shout out to my good pal (and brother in law) Matt for finding these pictures. I hope his supervisor googles him on his next evaluation, finds this post, and fires him for looking up pictures of my idols on work time. Lots of crimes to solve over there in B-Town, eh Detective Leary?!?

And while these are all really funny, I did some research on these pics and while on bikes, by no means are my boys BIKERS! But maybe being on a bike isn't so bad... Especially when you're biking around with Bar Refaeli (although she's not hot, is she Marissa?).


At least they were in Boston and had no helmets on... And in true Big G fashion, I bet my boy was texting...



No helmet or sherpa backpack or suit pant rolled up... And that bike looks new!!!



This is obviously a scene from a movie people!!!



However this one presents some problems...



And I'm not sure how you missed this one Trooper... I mean Detective Leary...



Thankfully, there were no pictures of Megan Fox, Han Solo, Chris Martin, or most importantly, Matt Beringer on bikes... Or else that would have been really bad...

Get The Hell Off The Road!

I really hate bikers.

Not all bikers mind you. People who go ride around in the woods are okay (although I would never do this) and X Gamey guys are pretty cool as are bike messengers. Guys who ride competitively are fine too. But biking as a mode of transportation when you are an adult? I mean, have you seen any high school movies? There is nothing good about a bike. Remember when you turned 16? You were so happy to take that banana seated Schwinn and bring it to your aunt's yard sale because unless your name was Greg LeMond, you were NEVER getting back on that wretched thing again.

But then something really weird happened over the past fifteen to twenty years. People (white ones mostly) decided that is is some how cool and hip to use a mode of transportation that my friends and I used to use when we were ten and went to the Town Grocery. And I've HAD it with these goobers. These tools who ride around the city on their retro/wanna be cool Mary Poppins bike make me want to run them over every time I see them.

I mean give me a fucking break. Talk about stuff white people like.

Why the anger? Well, today, as I was going to grab me a Super Chicken from Anna's, I opened my car door and nearly took out a biker. This is approximately the 2139th time I've done this.

I know that I should be on the lookout for these people, but you know what? I'm sick of being on the lookout for them? Why? Because WHO THE FUCK RIDES A BIKE?!?

I mean, everything about a bike is lame. Whether it be the older brother fromm The Goonies getting tooled on because he didn't have a car or that friend you have who has to ride around on a bike because of his DWIs, there is nothing cool about a bike.

But these (white) people who fly around on bikes haven't realized this yet. Or they have, and they are trying to embrace the ironic/geek/cool/hipster vibe because they think that bikes are what ironic/geek/cool/hipsters are into. But whatever the reason, bikers bother me.

In addition to the near deaths I cause opening my car door dangerously close to bikers (and by the way, since THEY'RE the bikers and have all this experience nearly getting clipped by opened car doors, shouldn't THEY be the ones aware of this and not me?), I hate bikers for a multitude of reasons. Here's a few:

They Feel They Get ALL The Rights On The Road- I have no idea what the law says, but like hitting a pedestrian, I'm sure the driver is at fault when they hit a biker. But have you noticed how bikers carry themselves on the road? They absolutely DO NOT follow traffic rules. They yield to no one and they feel that it is up to the driver to avoid them. You can't have it both ways bikers! That's why no one was happier than me to see bikers getting ticketed in Cambridge as highlighted by a Globe story last week.

The Stupid Bikes And Accessories- Like all they other lame ass shit that stuffwhitepeoplelike, bike accessories are awful. I hate that so many bikers get stupid retro bikes. I obviously understand retro, but sometimes, retro drives me fucking crazy, especially when it comes to technology. And these loser ass bikers who tote around these bikes need to know that technology has come to bikes. Old bikes are old bikes for a reason. Because they suck. They were heavy, and had only one speed and the brakes were horrific. So, in this day and age, why would I use something that requires way more effort, is far more unsafe, and is just awful compared to it's more contemporary siblings? Should I toss my wide screen plasma and bring in an old black and white TV with the click channel knobs? Should I bring a discman with me to the gym just because it's "retro" and cool? I'll also bring my CD case and change the discs mid run. I'm sure all the girls at the gym will think I'm cool when I'm doing this.

And the bike accessories. Jesus fucking christ. The giant backpacks? Are you hiking up Everest? A little wicker basket and a bell? Puh-Leez. If you had that on your bike when you were eight, you would have had rocks thrown at you. But now that these bike geeks are older and go to Tufts, they think these accessories are cute and ironic. Well they aren't.

"I Ride My Bike To Work-" Like people who don't own a TV, people who ride their bike to work only ride their bike to work to tell other people that they ride their bike to work. You know why I don't ride my bike to work? Because Henry Ford invented something called the automobile which gets you where you want to go in a much more efficient, safer, and comfortable manner than a bike. And I got something else for you bikers. I don't believe you for one second when you say that it's cheaper/more green/better excercise to ride your bike to work. Either get a T Pass, buy a Prius, or go for a run after you DRIVE home from work every night. You ride your bike to work so you can tell me you do, end of conversation.

You Look Ridiculous Riding Your Bike To Work In Your Suit With Your One Pant Leg Rolled Up- I run. I fucking hate it. The only thing that would make it worse is if I ran in dress shoes and a suit. Now, I am well aware that people wear sneakers and then change and blah blah blah, but if someone from another planet landed here and saw you walking around with a helmet, suit, sneakers, and one pant leg rolled up, they'd think you were Rain Man. Plus, not everyone does this. The poseur I saw in front of me the other night had a skirt and a pair of clogs on. Not only is this unsafe, but you look ridiculous honey. I mean, we live in the richest, most developed country in the world and take a trip through Harvard Square at rush hour and you'd think we were at an intersection in the mountains of Afghanistan. What's the next step for these tossers, the rickshaw?

The Safety Precautions- Listen, I know bikes get stolen (however, if there were no bikers, then there would be no bikes and ergo, there would be no black market for bikes! Check that out! Pretty intuitive stuff, eh?), but are these goons toting around a wheel and a seat REALLY worried that Ace Merrill and Eyeball Chambers might come and steal their bikes? I mean, in what other culture is carrying around a bike wheel accepted other than in the stuffwhitepoplelike culture? I dare you to go back to high school and walk around with a tire in your hand. Tell me what the inside of a locker feels like when you're done.

There are so many other reasons why bikers annoy the shit out of me (the ridiculous helmets, the impracticality, the fact that it's the worst workout), but mostly, it's just the whole stupidity of it. I have no problem with people not taking a car to work or not owning one (in fact, it's my dream!), but just walk. Or get a T Pass. It just makes absolutely no sense to commute to work on a bike. And it's not like these people's sole modes of transportation are bikes, because what do they do when it rains or snows?

I just wish these people would stop it. I WANT to understand why people take bikes to work and I'm sure that there is a small percentage of the biking population that genuinely likes the bike, but for the majority, I ain't buying what you're selling.

So stop using this obsolete form of transportation most favored by fourth graders. And for crissakes, get the hell out of my way when I'm driving.

The Revisiting

I shit on many things that don't stand the test of time or that I get sick of. I always believe that this is justified. But have you ever done the revisit? Because the revisit can be awesome.

I talk about the revisit often with my friends Thornton and McLaughlin and my bro and sis. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to revisit Dear Leader in concert. When Dear Leader was The Sheila Divine (and let's admit... They don't sound that different), I saw them all the time. They helped me with the post college transition years. If it weren't for The Sheila Divine, rubyhorse, and Big Wreck, I may have been stuck going to The Harp between the ages of 22-25. Thankfully, one night in Newton, I saw The Sheila D open up for rubyhorse and my indie music snobbiness was born.

And when The Sheila Divine broke up, I was sad, but shortly after that, they united with a few other members of Boston bands who had experienced a modicum of success (Tugboat Annie, Orbit) and formed Dear Leader. Like The Sheila D, I saw Dear Leader just about every time they played in Boston. I listened to their two CDs frequently and "Raging Red" and "Nightmare Alleys" always show up on my gym playlists.

But in recent months (years?), I haven't listened to my Dear Leader CDs and I haven't seen them in quite some time. This past weekend, they played two shows at TTs and on Friday night, I was busy seeing friends I hadn't seen in ages (thats you Waidehi, Steve, Susan, and Seth) and when a rainy Saturday night rolled around, I wasn't sure I'd be able to motivate. But word on the street was that this might be the final show for this foursome, and so with a little help from Marissa, I managed to motivate. And I was treated to a phenomenal show.

Did they sound any different than they had previously? Probably not, although Aaron did seem to sing with a passion I didn't remember. They had no new material and there was no guest appearance from Matt Beringer. So what made me enjoy the show far more than I thought I would at 6 pm Saturday night? Why, the revisiting of course.

Revisiting can happen with anything. You can revisit an old movie, book, band, girlfriend (although this could be disastrous), restaurant, sporting event (pop in that NESEN 2004 Sox video sometime), friend, or store.

Personally, I'm a huge fan of the revisit. While it can be painfully disappointing (watching old TV shows is never good and boy was The Breakfast Club bad), the revisit can be phenomenal. And it was most certainly phenomenal with Dear Leader.

I mean, you are always going to know the things you love (Se7en, Pulp Fiction, High Fidelity) and you are always going to know the things you hate (Led Zeppelin, Dane Cook, coconut), but there is all sorts of stuff that you may have forgotten about.

During the summer, I have more spare time than a retired grandmother so I get to spend an inordinate amount of time revisiting things. I can't believe how much I enjoyed Back To the Future (a virtually perfect story), The Crow (I love revenge stories- unless they are that recent Kevin Bacon one), and The Untouchables (the scene on the stairs at the subway station is tension perfection). The Cadillac commercial this summer helped me realize how much I like "Stars" by Hum and leftover lunch always allows me to revisit a classic tune (Pulp's "Common People," When In Rome's "The Promise"- And thanks Napoleon, you helped here too). And nothing beats the rereading of a great book. People are always recommending great books to me, but I tend to read the same eight over and over. I've often wondered why this is, but I realized that the books I reread have NOT been made into movies and so it is MY world I can go into when I read these books. The characters, places, and scenes are all mine; like the rosebush story was all Captain Miller's in Saving Private Ryan.

The revisit can also be planned to. For instance, I sometimes don't watch Empire Strikes Back for long strecthes of time, then some night I come home drunk, I'll pop it in and be overwhelmed by it's perfection. I also do this very frequently with food and restaurants. I love shakes and I could get one everyday (and look like Vince Wilfork), but other than the 1200 calories, part of the reason why I like shakes so much is because I don't have them all the time. And if we went to The Capital Grill every night, we probably wouldn't like it as much as we do. Well, maybe that's not a good example...

All of this seems pretty obvious given the fact that we do get sick of things. In fact, there are some things in our lives that are built in "revisitors" like seasonal beer and clothes. But the revisiting is more than just staying away from something because of seasons, financial reasons, caloric reasons, or because you want it to be a treat. Revisiting is about challenging yourself, or even better, just plain, old enjoying yourself. Be it a film, band, book, or restaurant, we sometimes automatically hate, mostly because we are salty Massholes. Often times, our hate or dislike of something is justified (Curt Schilling), but other times it's about a mood or a time in our lives. Or it could be something simpler. Maybe we hated a movie because we were seated behind a giant head or because the couple behind you kept asking questions. Or maybe we hated a song or CD because of where we were when we first heard it or who it reminds us of. But if you can put any of that aside- it ain't easy, I know- then you might end up appreciating something you never thought you could appreciate. Or, if you revisit something you remember liking, but not loving, you might end up finding a classic.

So with a long weekend and cold weather approaching, revisit something. You could start by revisiting The Sixth Sense, french toast (seriously... just put some powdered sugar on it and get good bread), Collateral, or Blink 182's self titled final CD.

Me? I'm gonna revisit apple picking.

Right...

Betcha' Didn't Know The Impact He Had On Me

I know you've heard my rants on writing. Who I admire (Matt and Ben! And you Chuck K!), who I find irritating (your plot twists are so stupid Jodi Picoult), who everyone hates on yet is such an unbelievable writer (my Curly Haired Boyfriend) who I defend like she were my sister (Emily Giffin), who I hate on because I'm better than (I think he wrote Garden State), who I'm jealous of because I wish I thought of his idea first (Bill Simmons), and who just plain sucks (whatever Diablo Cody's real name is).

But I don't think I've ever touched on how much I enjoy and truly admire those people who write song lyrics (except for you Jim Morrison and lead singer of Sublime).

Why? Because you could lock me a 10x10 square foot room with all the writing playlists I need, endless vodka drinks (I like enjoying those while I write), Antonios pizza, Emily Giffin books to inspire me, and Empire Strikes Back on repeat (for periodic breaks) and I would STILL not be able to write one single good song.

I've tried it before and crashed and burned like Maverick hitting on Charlie. All writers (which I'm not) have a fear of letting people read their stuff, but as you can likely deduce by reading this, I have overcome that fear like I overcame the fear of talking to Ginger in high school.

But there's an outside chance I'd prefer you to pull out my fingernails Syriana style than write a song and have ANYONE read it, because it will be worse than something Gunner Nelson wrote.

Which is why, despite my occassional (no really, it IS only accassional!) hating on lyricists, I love lyrics.

I first discovered lyrics when I first discovered music. I had no older brother to give me Foreigner records (why weren't you giving me Iggy Pop and The Clash albums Julie?!?) and I never heard Credence until "Fortunate Son" ripped through the Vietnam scene in Forrest Gump (for serious). I can remeber memorizing the lyrics to "99 Red Balloons" (not the German ones) and I also remember knowing the lyrics to "Every little Thing She Does Is Magic" and having to correct Ted Bibeau when he idiotically said at the bus stop that every little thing she did was actually, plastic. I think that he beat me up after I said that. He often beat me up, but at least I was smarter than him.

But lyrics really changed for me when I discovered the Pretty Woman and Top Gun soundtracks. And although I rarely get embarassed, I have no intention of sharing with you which lyrics got to me from those albums, but rest assured, it was NOT Playing With the Boys.

Thankfully, I grew out of that wretched stage and discovered gems like Cheap Trick's "The Flame." Eventually, I put myself out of my musical taste retardedness and moved onto the lurical genuis wrought by the alternative scene. And when I wasn't shedding tears to "Black," I was contemplating ways to kill myself while listening to "Pictures of You" in the dark.

In case you haven't noticed the pattern here, I like songs about relationships/failed relationships/missed opportunities in relationships/true relationships, and breakups- both messy and otherwise. Like Rob Gordon said, "What came first, the music or the misery? Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"

And while listening to the most recent Death Cab For Cutie CD, I realized that lyrics (Cath... She stands with a well intentioned man... But she can't relax with his hands...On the small of her back... As the flashbulbs burst she holds a smile... Like someone would hold a crying child) still mean a lot to me. Whether it's nearly tearing up on the treadmill (a certain Coldplay song about a certain family member) or getting overwhelmed by the passion of Dave Grohl (Has someone taken your faith... Its real, the pain you feel... The life, the love... You'd die to heal...The hope that starts... The broken hearts... Your trust, you must... Confess) when I've had too much to drink, lyrics have always done it for me. While I cannot say at this time that the following are my all time favorites, I can say that as of right now, these are my favorites. And so that should be good enough for you because the following cheese ball lyrics will give you plenty of opportunity to dispute my statements and, in turn, shit on me.

16. The Features- "Someway, Somehow": I'll never let you down,... I'll keep you safe from harm... Someway, somehow... Know you can count on me... I'll always be around,... Give everything you need... Someway, Somehow. Who is this written to? A son or daughter? A significant other? I don't know, but I love that this song makes no promises. It just says it'll be done, someway, somehow.

15. Feist- "I Feel It All": Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart... I'll be the one to hold the gun... Mostly because it's me always fuckin' shit up...

14. The Samples- "Did You ever look So Nice?": We were children in our places... With the world beneath our feet... And growing up was on our faces... I remember yours so sweet... A song about being a kid? If it's not a song about relationships that gets me, it'll surely be a song about being a kid. Man it sucks to think my life peaked at ten...

13. Powderfinger- "My Happiness": It seems an age since Ive seen you... Countdown as the weeks trickle into days... I hope that time hasnt changed you... All I really want is for you to stay... And then a song about somebody coming back for someone? You are aware that most of the books that clog my shelves are of the chick lit genre, aren't you...?

12. The Pushstars- "Any Little Town": Everytime you smile... It takes me quite a while to recover... And everytime you cry... I find I'm searching for the rock I can crawl under... Imagine you thought to write this song for your girlfriend/wife? You could pretty much do no wrong... Now why couldn't I come up with that..?


11. Buffalo Tom- "Torch Singer": There are some things I've got to say... She won't understand anyway... There are miles between our hearts... There's salvation in false starts... I've always got something to say. Usually I do, except when when it's a "she" involved. The hundreds of dollars I've spent in therapy tried to fix that and while it's gotten better...

10. Dave Matthews Band- "Lie In Our Graves": I cant believe that we would lie in graves... Wondering if we had spent our living days well... I cant believe that we would lie in graves... Wondering what we might of been... Along with all things relationships, lyrics about regret get me. Not so much because I have regrets, but lyrics about regret can be weirdly nostalgic to me. And as I write this, maybe it's the nostalgia of Lie In Our Graves that gets me... Of course, it doesn't help that this album was released second semester senior year at The Greatest University In the Nation...

9. Iron and Wine- "Trapeze Swinger": Please, remember me... Seldomly... In the car behind the carnival... My hand between your knees... You turned from me... And said, "The trapeze act was wonderful... But never meant to last..." I think it's the seldomly that gets me. I sometimes think about not being remembered. 100 years from now, I won't be. None of us will be. And that's sad. And this song captures that perfectly.

8. Sinead O'Connor (But Lyrics By Prince)- "Nothing Compares 2 U": It's been seven hours and fifteen days... Since you took your love away... I go out every night and sleep all day... Since you took your love away... Since you been gone I can do whatever I want... I can see whomever I choose... I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant... But nothing... I said nothing can take away these blues... I think we've all heard this song and we all know what it's about (who knew Prince had it in him), but really, it can be about losing anyone or anything. The passion with which she sings this song doesn't make it any less likable either.

7. Matthew Sweet- "Sick Of Myself": Theres something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive... But Im sick of myself when I look at you... Something is beautiful and true... In a world thats ugly and a lie... Its hard to even want to try... And Im beginning to think baby you dont know... Again, likely about a girl, but to me, it's about anything that's ever kept you alive. Which reminds me. When I was a kid and heard that George Lucas was eventually going to release three more movies (actually, he said nine), all I hoped was that I lived long enough to see them all. I'm three years past my best if used by date.

6. Rod Stewart- "Ooh La La": I wish that I knew what I know now... When I was younger... Because who doesn't?

5. The National- "Mr. November": I wish that I believed in fate... I wish I didn't sleep so late... I used to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders... You knew they'd show up here, right (and Mr. November was the original name of this blog, but it was taken)? In all seriousness, the regret here is palpable. And while I was never carried in the arms of cheerleaders, I did lead the Pee Wee League in hitting in fourth grade...

4. stellastarr*- "My Coco": I sat alone and I didn't care ... I sat two years in the same old chair ... I saw three roads and I didn't know ... Which way to go-go-go... Who hasn't known which way to go? Where do I go in work? How do i get to The Cape? Which college? Time Out, Delanos, or Mike's Westview? Life is full of these choices... I was glad to hear Shawn had some trouble with them too...

3. Bruce Springsteen- "Tunnel of Love": It ought to be easy ought to be simple enough... Man meets woman and they fall in love... But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough... And youve got to learn to live with what you cant rise above... If you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love... Quite possibly the best song about a relationship ever written. Leave it to the old guy who has been through his share of relationships to have them so perfectly figured out. While everyone waxes poetic about "Born To Run," it was the lyrics to this '80s gem that blew it away. Good work Boss...

2. Coldplay- "Fix You": Tears stream down on your face... I promise you I will learn from my mistakes... Tears stream down your face... And I... Lights will guide you home... And ignite your bones... And I will try to fix you... Yeah, I've mentioned this to you before. And if you don't like this, there really is something wrong with you. I'm serious. You have no tear ducts or something. Or you are an emotionless, iceman on par with a Terminator. Or you're a sociopath. Ted Bundy was a sociopath...

1. Oasis- "Wonderwall": And all the roads that lead to you were winding ... And all the lights that light the way are blinding ... There are many things that I would like to say to you ... But I don't know how... You were expecting something else? Please. I wake up everyday because of these lyrics. All I hope is that I can be someone's wonderwall. You available Megan Fox?

I Hate You Bill Simmons

It's my dream to write. You all know this. I already have the best screenplay acceptance speech for No Long Term Plan (that's my manuscript) written. I thank all of you loyal blog readers in said speech- by the way- for supporting my pathetic dream. You'll all get an individual shout out. I'm serious.

But onto more pressing issues.

Fuck Bill Simmons.

Well, not really, because it's a money piece. But shit, I HAD IT FIRST!!! I had it BEFORE the olympics and if you had the unfortunate pleasure of actually having to be around me between August 8th and August 24th of this year, you know that THIS IS ALL I TALKED ABOUT!!!

Some of you laughed at me for staying up that Saturday until 2:30 to watch my boys. But I saw it. I watched Doug Collins put on the best color man performance of all time. I watched Kobe destroy a four point play where I think I was actually more excited than I was when JD stroked that homer last October. I watch Coach K coach the shit out of that game. I watched twelve European stiffs get smoked by my boys. And then I watched my twelve boys receive their medals. All the while, I drank my PBR Tall Boys and smiled until 5:30 that morning.

And I did because I loved them. I loved Lebron, Kobe, Melo, Kidd, Howard, Bosh (my fave), Deron, CP3, Tayshaun, D-Wade (The MVP), Redd, and twelfth man Boozer.

And what happens? Some dude with a big fancy column on a big fancy website that gets probably 50 million hits a day goes and swipes my piece.

Granted, his entire article was way better than anything I could have written. And this is probably why he has a byline on ESPN and I have... A blog that I was happy to see got twenty hits today...

Anyways, when you're at a cocktail party this weekend and the topic of USA basketball comes up- which it will absolutely not- just remember that it was your chuckah friend Gerard that wrote the piece before the most read author on ESPN wrote his.

In the words of Chucky, I don't know much, but I know that...

PS- Here it is by the way... And it's awesome!!!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?section=magazine&id=3575385

I'll Miss You Pal

Sometimes, I surprise myself.

As a society, we probably always surprise ourselves. People are probably surprised that they like a certain movie, song, or book. I remember my friend Shaun was surprised when he liked Collective Soul's "Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down." As a classic rock freak (it surprises me we are good friends), he heard the song on the radio when it was brand new and he figured it was some tune from the early 70s. When he found out that it was from the then present day of 1994, he surprised himself by liking it. Molly and Mike do this with movies all the time. In particular, they do it with movies I have seen and liked. They assume they will NOT like it (or maybe they don't want to like it) because I liked it so much, but then they do. You can all probably think of a 1001 examples of something you thought you wouldn't like and then did.

But has the opposite ever happened?

Have you ever HATED something so much, wished for its' demise so strongly, rooted so hard AGAINST said thing, wanted something so terrible to happen to someone? Have you wanted their careers, lives, 15 minutes of fame, and general being to get blowed up? What am I saying? Of course you have. In fact, a few of you who read this probably root against me.

Now, I- being one of the angrier people in the land- probably wish this a little more often than most of you. Over the years I have wished awful things to happen to Dane Cook, Zach Braff, Fred Durst, George W. Bush, Pacino and De Niro, Curt Schilling, Trot Nixon, Troy Aikman, Donald Rumsfeld, and Roger Clemens.

Needless to say, be it a bum shoulder, the horrific buzz of Righteous Kill, a resignation, a string of straight to DVD movies, a 29% approval rating, the end of a musical genre, a .220 batting average with 7000 men left on base, or a "misremembering," I have pretty much got what I wanted in each and every case.

And strangley, when bad karma eventually strikes these cretins, I feel extremely... Unfulfilled.

I'm not sure what type of person this makes me. Maybe it makes me an idiot for caring/hating/expending so much energy on people that will- eventually- lose their spot in peoples hearts. Maybe it makes me an overly angry person. Maybe it makes me a person who should hate less. Maybe it makes me a hypocrite. Maybe it makes me a person who lacks passion. I'd like to think it makes me this really, great, forgiving guy. But we all know that is pretty unlikely.

What I do know is that, in my old age, I'm hating a lot less these days. How do I know this? Why, because in all honesty, Tom Brady out for the year actually makes me feel a bit badly for him. Really, I should be reveling in the glory of a lost season for the Patsies. But I'm not. And there's a very specific reason for this.

Remember in Swingers (I know Molly and Matt, it looks old and boy is that fashion dated) when Mikey's friend Rob was describing the loss of an ex? He said this...

"You know how it is, man. It's like... You wake up every day, it hurts a little bit less, then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is... This is kinda weird, but it's like... You almost miss that pain, for the same reason that you miss her. Because you... you lived with it for so long."

Well, I'll miss the pain. I'll miss the pain of hating Tom Brady.

Just like I miss the pain of hating Curt Schilling. I mean, Schilling is now just a fat, old guy with a blog and a mullet (did I just describe me?). Granted, he's a rich fat, old guy with a blog and a mullet. But all in all, he's just really... A regular old dude. Like the ones who work at Fidelity or ride in the elevator next to you. And unless said guy has committed some horrible fashion crime like wearing pleated pants, what is their to hate about a regular old dude?

And for the next five, horrific months that are football season, Tom Brady will just be a regular old dude. Well, as regular as an Esquire cover boy, super model dating, perfectly dressed, multi city condo owning, rich prick (ah, the hate is not ALL gone) can be.

But seriously, for the next year, he won't be the record breaking, super bowl MVP, guy whose life I'm totally jealous off, dude that I'm used to him being. He'll be invisible. He'll be invisible as... Curt Schilling. And, with the exception of his stupid Manny comments, when was the last time you hated Mr. 38pitches? And in his invisibility, he won't be hateable at all because he'll just be a really dreamy dude, wearing perfect suits, hanging out in SoHo and slaying the world's hottest girl (why do I hate him again?).

And who- other than really jealous dudes not comfortable with their own sexuality- hates that dude?

This whole "knee injury" (Shaugnessey's line about what the Pats would call a quadruple bypass surgery was awesome) should make me happy. But it doesn't. Because I'll miss the pain. I'll miss the pain that Tommy Boy has caused me.

In the end, the injury still makes me happy, but not because it happened to Tommy Boy. It makes me happy because now maybe the Patriots will suck and everyone will see that Belichick is the worthless douche that he really is (although WEEi's foursome of Big O, DeOssie, Fred, and Pete tell me he is the second coming of Gandhi). It makes really happy because the goons that are Patriot Nation are in full melt down mode. And then it makes me really, REALLY happy because now maybe people will see- as the Patriots muddle through 14-10 games against The Dolphins- that the NFL really IS garbage and that the only thing that saves it are Fantasy Leagues and gambling.

But strangely, I'll miss Tommy Boy. I'll miss peeking at the Sportscenter Ticker to stew at his 31-40 for 346 yards and four touchdowns line. I'll miss hating how goddamn good he looks in a simple zip up hoodie at his post game press conferences. I'll miss envying his pocket squares and perfect coiffe as he strolls off the bus for a road game. I'll miss wanting to punch him right in the stupid chin dimple when I see him show up with Gisele at some black tie gala.

So healy quickly Tommy. I need you. I'm a shell of a man without my ire and you have brought me so much over the years.

Come back soon, Bud. Until then, have fun in SoHo.

Well, At Least I'm Younger Than Them

I'm old.

There's much to write about these days. I could write about all the black people at the RNC, but that wouldn't be long. I could also write about how Dustin Pedroia has become the best player in baseball. I could even write bout the worthlessness of Fantasy Football, but happily, I feel the backlash to that idiotic activity these days. Like poker, it's not as big as it once was. I could also write about how I may be wrong about those fading Rays (but I'll be right, you'll see!) or shred the new Pacino/De Niro certain flop (it makes less than 10 million, I guarantee). Or I could discuss the awesomeness of this fall's live music scene. Or lament the fact that Heidi Whatney may be banging a big assed, flat topped, .210 hitting Jason Varitek.

But I couldn't get juiced up for any of those because I was busy feeling bad for myself because I realized I'm old. When did this realization come to fruition? When I made a reference to The Breakfast Club and a student of mine said it was "mad old."

Old? What? Are you kidding me? No way. In fact, I disagreed so wholeheartedly that I got really pissed. I spent the rest of the afternoon cursing the stupidity of today's youth and their non appreciation for all things great. I mean, could they turn off Gossip Girls, shut off their iPod, and get off of Facebook for a few seconds? Can't they appreciate all the greatness that has come before them because if they thought superbad Superbad was funny, then they know nothing! Funny was the eighties and nineties I tell ya! Funny was Marty McFly, Lloyd Christmas, Farley and Spade, Fletch (that's for you Hayes), Caddyshack (that's for you Wall), Animal House (Thornton), and The Big Lebowski (Mike). Those are (were?) funny! And by god so was (definitely WAS) The Breakfast Club!

But you know what? My new student was correct. The Breakfast Club is old. And to this young woman- who was born in 1992- The Breakfast Club is indeed, Mad Old. And once I thought about it, not only is it old, but it's not that good. How do I know this? Why, I watched it just five days ago.

While The Simple Minds are great, Principal Vernon is hilarious (I can't believe that I related to him the most!) and the general story of teens from all walks of life is a classic, the movie is far from funny. There are painfully dated lines (Barry Manilow's wardrobe), the "dramatic" parts aren't that dramatic and there's been a glut of recent high school films that surpass it (my binkie Napoleon, Mean Girls, Can't Hardly Wait to name three). And worst of all is Judd Nelson. He is virtually unwatchable and his tough guy of a character is so beyond outdated that it is hysterical (there just aren't "skids" anymore people).

And that got me to thinking. To this girl, this movie is ANCIENT. It came out a full seven years before she was born. That may as well make it Citizen Kane to her.

Think about the year you were born. For me, that was 1974. Now go back seven years from said birth year. That puts me at 1967.

In 1967, there was no baseball playoffs, just the World Series. There were no Walkmans, let alone iPods. U2 were just recently gametes. No one had heard of something as simple as Pong. The Cosby Show and Family Ties were decades away. Hell, even Jaws and it's comical mechanical shark was too futuristic (it arrived nine years later). And wikipedia was a word that would have got you put into special ed classes if you said it too often. Only there weren't special ed classes either. And heres a car from 1967:


I'd rather have a club foot than be seen driving in that piece.

On the pop culture scene, The Graduate, In Cold Blood, Bonnie and Clyde, and In The Heat of the Night were big films of that year. I've seen all four. $50 and a six pack pf PBR Talls wouldn't get me to sit through one of them right now.

Have you seen a television show from 1967? You probably have... For about five seconds because some of the shows that were on in 1967 were Hogan's Heroes, Gunsmoke, Bonanza, The Carol Burnett Show, and Beverly Hillbillies.

Those shows aren't good.

And it's not that they are not good because they are old, they are not good because they are not good. Just as, upon further review, The Breakfast Club is not good.

I frequently get in this argument with people, especially when it comes to music. Because a song or band is old and was an essential part of our youth, doesn't mean it was good. I bet the first time your older brother gave you Foreigner, 4 (add "Urgent" to the songs I immediately switch off), you loved it. Not so much because you liked the music , but more because you liked the fact that your brother was actually being nice to you and not giving you a charlie horse (or drowning you in the pool, right Molly and Mike?). But have you listened to it in comparison to the music that is out these days? These guys wouldn't open for Cold War Kids, let alone headline a tour in 2008.

Because if you can push aside for a few minutes all the nostalgia that comes with something old, you may realize that these movies, TV shows, songs, bands, cars, video game systems, and gadgets were just plain bad.

And so that young lady in my class doesn't hate The Breakfast Club strictly because it's old. She hates it because it's bad and unfunny. The actors are of no relevance to her and Don't You Forget About Me is a song she may or may not have heard covered on One Tree Hill. Instead of being the geek icon that he was in the 80s, to her Anthony Michael Hall is just some old dude that hasn't been in a relevant movie in twenty years (although he was seen pissing off a balcony in Entourage recently). Molly Ringwald is no one to her and Emilio Estevez? C'Mon. She probably knows his dad better from those re-runs of West Wing.

I wrote in a very early post that old TV shows on DVD should not be watched because they aren't good. The same can be said for all pieces of pop culture, not just TV shows. And while old isn't always bad ("So Lonely", Iggy Pop, 2001: A Space Odyssey, To Kill A Mockingbird, "Take Another Piece of My Heart", Monopoly), so much of what we loved is really, REALLY bad.

Take for instance Atari. I've had a habit of buying for Playstation old Atari games (just to give you a sense of the memory on those old school cartridges, you can get about fifty games on one Playstation CD-ROM) and you know what? They suck. There's a reason why people invented Intellivision, Colecovision, Nintendo, Sega, genesis, N64, Playstation, and XBox. Why? Because each of these were way better than their old, outdated, worthless predecessor!

And just as we understand that this is a GOOD thing when it comes to technology, we should also understand that it is a GOOD thing when it comes to entertainment too. Because while three guys slapping each other and poking one another's eyes may have been funny at some point in our lives, I'm certainly glad we progressed from that to Ferris Bueller's Day Off (still weathers time), to Pulp Fiction, to Napoleon Dynamite, to Flight of the Conchords.

But guess what? I like lots of old things, like Seinfeld. This past May marked the tenth anniversary of Seinfeld ENDING! Can you believe that? For anyone in high school, that Thursday night when no one got the button joke means absolutely nothing! Neither, frankly, does the return of 90210. Why? because to a teenager, Jennie Garth and Shannon Doherty are just two old beat chicks moving staggeringly close to cougar status. They are part of no current drinking games as they were to many of us in college and teenagers certainly have no idea what the phrase "Donna Martin graduates" means.

So the next time I make a Frank Constanze joke and it falls flat (as it did the other day), I need to realize that- in the words of good ole Constanza... It's not them, it's me.

I need to start making Gossip Girl references and instead of talking about the hotness of a now 43 year old Brad Pitt, I need to say how dreamy The Jonas Brothers are. I need to get it together because my circa 1997 jokes are really not good and you know why?

It's because I'm old.