The Last Real Rock Star

Kanye West is awesome.

And I'm not just saying this to be contrarian. He really is what music (especially MTV music) needs. He's the last great rock star. He's the Ozzy, the Axl, The Kiss, the N.W.A., the Cobain, the Vedder, and the Snoop of this generation.

Reading message boards and comments all over the web today, you would think that Kanye West murdered someone or at the very least, killed a bunch of pit bulls. Everywhere I turn today, the haters have come rushing out and while I think that much of that hate is race driven (a separate post, but people STILL don't like an outspoken black man, especially when he steals the mic from the cute, blond, teenaged, girl-next-door, country crooner), I do understand the anger of some people. Personally, I thought the whole scene was hilarious, but I must admit that I have always loved Kanye. But on other levels, it was also awesome because it was precisely what music and more importantly, MTV, need in 2009.

Before I get to my point, let me explain what happened for the two of you who missed it (and I guarantee that no more than two people in all of America don't know what I am talking about). Kanye West jumped up on stage and ripped the mic from Taylor Swift midway through her acceptance speech and shouted to the crowd that Beyonce should have won the VMA (she should have). A chorus of boos rained on Kanye and we woke up this morning to a full on controversy with the country loving conservatives of the world defending poor Taylor from the evil black man who stole her moment in the sun.

Like President Obama commenting on the Cambridge arrest of Professor Gates, I was watching this live (mostly so I could rip on the VMAs; some dude no one knows hosted it; Britney Spears won an award; Eminem was a presenter. MTV clearly thinks it is 1999 and really, REALLY needs to find a new identity) and I knew we'd have a full on shit storm. And we have. The Kanye haters have pounced.

For whatever reason, people don't like Kanye West. He is an amazing talent that has breathed life into a painfully banal (critically if not so much commercially) genre of music. Kanye's beats and rhymes are amazing and he has been universally acclaimed by critics since he burst on the scene with "Through The Wire" years ago. So it is hard for people to hate Kanye as a professional. But you always get the sense that people don't like him as a person. People mask their hatred for him in all sorts of different ways, but really, I'm quite sure why the don't like him (read: outspoken black man). And this was the moment all those Kanye haters were waiting for because now they can hate him AND feel justified because, you know, he's a jerk and that poor Taylor Swift missed her moment, and Kanye is obnoxious and blah blah blah.

But know this: Kanye has a history of these antics. He is well known for "George Bush doesn't like black people" comment on the Katrina fundraiser, but no one was really offended by that because it was so completely ludicrous. It was just hilarious, mostly because of the look on co-presenter Mike Myers' face. But he has also done this after losing out to a techno band and to Gretchen Wilson (who?!?) at other award shows. He also threatened to superfly TNT the Grammy's one year if he didn't win album of the year (he did and he should have). So really, how was last night a surprise to anyone? And more importantly, what are you all so upset about? For, as they say, this is rock and roll.

And that's why I loved it.

Mainstream music is in a bad way right now (but music, if you look in the right places, is actually the best it's ever been) and record sales and concert sales say so. Nickelback, Daughtry, Rob Thomas and that band that sings nice songs about American soldiers are the "faces" of mainstream rock. And in mainstream music other than cock rock, it is the same old same old who sell records (the years highest selling artist? Michael Jackson). Jay Z, Beyonce, the cast of American Idol, and for some weird reason, country musicians are the only people moving records. There haven't been many relevant new voices in mainstream music in some time (Lil' Wayne has been successful as has T.I.), but really, can you list ten mainstream acts that have been all the rage for a sustained period of time this decade? You can't. Because there are no mainstream pop acts that can get it done.

And that is why Kanye West matters. And that is why what happened last night was awesome because music (and MTV especially) needed this. Desperately.

We needed a new Ozzy biting off bat heads and a new Axl and Slash going on stage with bottles of Jack and swearing (this act invented the seven second delay at awards shows). And while Kanye West certainly looks different than these guys and sings music that is drastically different than these guys, he is really the same. He is an entertainer who has figured out how to entertain. He has figured out how to endure in a time when music acts last as long as a large cheese pizza on the set of The Biggest Loser. He is a performer and an actor and he knows it and anyone with half a brain knows it as well. The only people who don't know it are the ones so blinded by their weird hate of this guy that they can't see him for what he is.

What if Kanye had done this to Shakira?!? Would anyone care?!? What if he went back in time and did it to Ricky Martin or what if he did it to J-Lo or Madonna?!? Would anyone have reacted this way?!? Absolutely not. Like so many parts of our popular culture, music can be divisive and in this case, you have the conservative country lovers on one side and those dirty gangsters on the other side.

And that's what makes Kanye's rant even more hilarious because I think it was completely calculated and no one can see that. As a long time Kanye Superfan, I can honestly say his last album was not good. He tried something different and it didn't work. For the first time in his career, he received some bad reviews and the genius that was Kanye eroded a bit. Because he is so damn smart (and please do not doubt for a second that he is), he KNOWS this. He KNOWS this wasn't his best album and he knows that his place among the pantheon of hip hop legends took a hit because of that. With his friend and fellow rap God Jay-Z about to release an album and Lil' Wayne being the new darling of the critics, Kanye West knew he HAD to do something and do something he did.

I'm not saying what he did was right. It was actually one of his lamer efforts and came off as somewhat predictable. That said, I found it to be a hoot and not because of who he did it too. Just moments before, I told my brother that I actually didn't mind Taylor Swift and I sometimes keep one of her songs on when it comes on the radio (it would have been way more to my liking if Kanye did this to John Mayer or Fall Out Boy). But the backlash has been outstanding. Where was this backlash when he did the same exact thing to two techno dudes from Europe?

And that's what people are missing. Kanye is an entertainer and it happened at the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS FOR CRISSAKES!!!!! This show isn't exactly the bastion of class and sophistication. It is not the floor of the senate or even the Academy Awards. It's the MTV Music awards! The same place where Howard Stern once came down on wires in assless pants and ripped a huge fart. It's where Madonna made out with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. So really, who the hell cares what Kanye West did?!?

And this again makes Kanye a genius. He KNEW where he was doing it and likely thought that few would care. But after he saw the almost immediate backlash on Twitter and Facebook, he apologized to Taylor Swift and reportedly called her mother to apologize (more than a congressman did).

And that's what entertainers do. They shock. They outrage. They provoke. From the Beatles to Oasis to my nemisis Eminem, controversial rockers are the best entertainers. But they can't just shock and enthrall people or they will not last (I'm talking to you Marilyn Manson). But when you are surpremely talented (as Kanye is) AND supremely outrageous (as Kanye is), then you can be an enduring and more importantly RELEVANT act. And Kanye oozes relevance because he is so damn good in addition to being so damn bad.

Disagree with Kanye or not, music needs Kanye West because he is entertaining and he is the true definition of a rock star. Arrogant. Egocentric. Unpredictable. Narcissistic. Entertaining. And wildly, wildly talented.

So Worry Not, All Things Are Well, We'll Be Alright

Eleven years later, my favorite band (unbeknowst to me) made a video that summed up everything I spent eleven years trying to say.

Listen, this has nothing to do with The National. Only it kind of does, because their video for "Apartment Story" is virtually flawless and- while none of you even know it- it is such a spot on example of the first time.

In case you have forgotten or never seen the video, here it is...



And so why is it flawless?!? Because it deals with that moment and space in time when you experienced something for the first time.

You do remember the first time, right?

But guess what? I'm not talking about THAT first time because frankly... I don't give a shit.

People always talk about the first time. They talk about their first kiss, their first car, their first sexual partner, and the first time they got drunk.

But in 2009, that stuff means shit. Sure, you KNOW your first kiss and you also know the first person you had sex with (which you probably regret), but what about the OTHER firsts? The shit that actually shaped who and what you are. Because while everyone TELLS us we should remember our first kiss and our first bang, those things really don't define us. What defines us is who we really are.

Are we really the first person we kissed or fucked?!? No. We aren't. We are so much more.

Really, what is your passion? Is it baseball? Then you should remember your first trip to Fenway. Is it music? Then you should remember your first concert. Is it film? Then you should remember your first movie.

My point here is that we are always FORCED to remember our FIRST. Our first home, our first girlfriend, our first day of school. But really, all that stuff is meaningless if we are not interested in it. What really matters is the first of something that is relevant to us.

Why am I saying this you ask? Well, mostly because of The National video that is above. And if you can't make the connection, well... Then we probably should not be friends.

But when I watch this video, by The National and it just reminds me about firsts.

I knew at four that film was my thing when my father took me (he'd be hung for it now) to see Jaws. And then I remember my second movie, Star Wars (has that had an impression on me?), and sitting in the second row (that is literally the reason I show up to every movie 30 minutes early, even if it is at The Capitol). I still remember the article that made me want to be a writer (Leigh Montville's farewell piece in the Globe) and I still remember as clear as day the first time I saw rubyhorse. I remember Julie taking me to see Return Of The Jedi with a full on sunburn. I remember Christmas Eve at Fran and Alice's as the greatest night of my life (it's also the first place I saw the Thriller video). I remeber the first time I met Brian in Little League. I remember Shaun calling my name at freshman orientation in the midst of 5000 people moving out of a hall in 1992. I remember Molly calling me in a time of need. I remember my cousin Jeff wrestling the inner tube. I remember my cousin Rod's talking about FREEEEEEEEEEZE pops. I remember my cousin Alison having my back when people made fun of me for being in love with Princess Leia (true story... She said, "I mean, c'mon guys, she is really pretty!"). I remember overhearing my father telling his brother Fran what a good writer I was. I remember my sister telling me she didn't hate me at my other sister's rehersal dinner. I remember my brother having my back.... So much more than he should have. And I remember my other sister for... Well, for never saying a bad word about me in her whole life, even though she could have.

I remember Steve and Heidi letting me be their roommate. I remember Scott and Scott and Brian and Brian and Jay and Matt and Eric and Tim and Steve and Steve and Pat and Dave accepting me, fighting for me, sleeping with me (head to toe of course!), cleaning up my vomit, and seeing me cry. And I remember the first time I hugged Marissa in a non friend way.

My point?

There is nothing like that first time. It doesn't have to be the first time that society says has to be the first time. It just has to be that first time that actually means something to you. Maybe it was the first time you saw Rocky or saw Pear Jam live (two things that mean nothing to me), but if it meant something to you, then it is overwhelming. And that's what makes "Apartment Story" so unbelievable, but more importantly, that's what makes life so unbelievable, becuase even if you are 35 (like me), 45, or 55.... Next week, you might just experience something you've never seen before in your whole life.

And that's pretty fuckin' cool.

Seven You Should Have In Your Collection

Once again ladies, you get nothing. But maybe, you can give an idea or two to your fashionally challenged partner/husband/boyfriend/fiance. I did think about also giving women seven items they should own, but it probably would have been really impracticle because I would have suggested pieces (five inch heels, white bikins, skanky dresses) that would have been way impractical. And as we all know, I like to be practical. Before we get to the list though, just take this in, from Friday's All Point's West Festival (Note: You- Well I- can see me... I am a yellow head in the left of the picture... It's my Padres hat... protected me from the rain AND garnered me numerous compliments).



Enough about the most awesomest festival I've ever been to... Here's seven things all guys NEED to have.

7b) One Good Pair Of Jeans: I bet you thought this would be higher on the list, but seeing as where women BARELY care about this, I figured I'd knock it down a few notches. That said, those acid washed 501 blues that played well when you were in high school are all done. I'm not asking ANYONE to drop $289 on a pair of True Religions (frankly- like Kings Of Leon- they may have jumped the shark), but find som ething that at least LOOKS like you are trying. Jeans- like any bit of fashion- are constantly changing. The wash, the cut, the color. They are all constantly changing. And although you don't want to do it, you've got to stay up with the times. Granted, it may cost you something, but think about it... Even if you wear your jeans ONLY on weekends, your talking about a piece of fashion you could conceivably use 104 times (damn they'd smell). You spend a TON more on a suit you wear twice a year, so why not purchase a pair that works for you?!? The here and now says buy somethign slightly more fitted and a bit skinnier through the leg. I'm not telling you to go Dave Mustaine on us, but the wide leg went out with "Who Let The Dogs Out" so nix those please.

7a) A Lightweight, V-Neck Sweater: So I cheated. It's my blog. But if you get this in a solid color, you can wear it with ANYTHING, ANYWHERE. You can rock it over a button down with jeans or over a cool colored t-shirt on a summer night. You can even throw it OVER a button down and UNDER a suit like Tom Brady (I'm coming around!!!) has. It really is an amazing staple. et a color that works for you and don't be afraid to wear it often.

6) The Accessory: Okay... You go to a wedding... Every guy is wearing a dark suit (the suit could be a whole other list by the way) and a white shirt and an outdated tie. There might be one guy in a pink shirt or a lavender shirt, but that's played out. Want to stand out?!? Grab yourself a great accessory like a tie bar or a pocket square. Tie bars are classic greatness, but they don't come cheap. A tie bar may run you a hundred bucks from a fine jeweler, but a pocket square?!? You can get five of those from Jos. A Bank tomorrow and they look really, REALLY great. Don't get the big frilly one or the triangular one like the guys on Sportscenter wear. Get a classic cotton white hanky and fold it into a... SQUARE!!! Don't show too much of it. Pair that with a classy tie bar (they ain't too expensive at J Crew by the way) and you will look DECIDELY different than everyone at the wedding you are going to next week. Trust me. You will. And finally... The scarf. It doesn't have to go with the suit, that's forcing it. But it's more than just something that keep your neck warm. It can look great SANS winter coat. Just embrace it. Buy a couple of different colors (the solid red is a must). Tie it right. And make sure it's not silk.

PS- While you are at it, get a suit and shirt that fucking fits and doesn't make you look like the kid from Big AFTER he morphs from Tom Hanks into his young self. But again, that's a whole OTHER post!!!

5) A Hoodie:Please don't go back into my archives. Let's just say that a great man changes. Sort of Like Anakin Skywalker thought it was a good idea to be wicked evil and then shifted to a man of goodness, I have come WAY around on the hoodie. It can useful and shockingly stylish (if you get one that fits). But get one that represents you. Don't get the Patriots hoodies. That's what unemployed Moms from Manchester, NH wear. Get a classy, plain navy blue or heather gray one. Or better yet, get a maroon one with the letters U-M-A-S-S emblazoned on it. Nothing says class like that.

4) Lace Up Shoes: The day of the slip on black or brown shoe are done. I knew this when I put a pair on with a suit and realized that my suit was money, yet I looked ridiculous. And I looked ridiculous because of my shoes, which were NOT lace ups. So get a pair of dress shoes. With laces. The color of the shoe is unimportant. If you are a guy who wears more brown, grab a brown pair. If you are a monochromatic black guy like me, grab a pair of black, lace up, wing tips. In the fall of 2009, it's really the only way to go. Yes, it will cost you $135, but it looks better than looking like an outdated chooch from Medford.

3) The Lightweight Jacket: Listen, we live in the Northeast. We'll need a Patagonia parka at some point. But not in April and certainly not in September. But we also know that a chill may set in on those nights and as useful as the hoodie may be, you might find yourself in a place where a hoodie just isn't appropriate (i.e. Anywhere but a football game, baseball game, card game, tailgate, festival, or garage cleaning). So, you are going to need something to throw on over your stylish henley or favorite band t-shirt. And that NEEDS to be a light weight jacket. The great thing about these is that they come in all shapes and styles and colors and lengths. And even better, they are often not very expensive. So, push aside your feelings that only gay runway models, Chris Martin, pitchers running the bases, and Sam Malone wear lightweight jackets because you can too! And if you don't believe me, just bring me (or your more stylish female partner) out and we'll find you something that doesn't make you look like Sonny Crockett.

2) Skinny, Tailored, Flat Front, Black Pants:Okay, listen. I already know that half of my male readers are rolling their eyes, but here's a tip: BIG, PLEATED PANTS MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN YOU ARE!!! Think about it. Pleats push OUT!!! Why would we want to wear anything that ACCENTUATES our middle?!? It just doesn't make sense. Pleats were cool in 1989 if they were on a pair of Z. Cavarrichi's (sic). There is nothing good about pleats anymore. Just ask Jessica Simpson. And we've already talked about the kid from Big so for crissakes, GET THEM HEMMED!!!! People are so afraid of looking like Urkel in a pair of high waters, but frankly, I'll take a short pair of pants over a pair of bunched dress pants that make me look like the dressed up version of Tone Loc. Plus, black pants work for a lot of different occassions. For whatever reason, men tend to drift to khakis or even worse, navy blue chinos and I have never understood that. Black looks great with a multitude of colors, won't get as dirty as khakis, and looks great when done monochromatically (did you see my man Bradley Cooper in The Hangover?). The little black dress works for women, so why wouldn't the little black pants work for men?

1) A Pair Of Sneakers To Wear Out That Aren't Air Force Ones, Shox, Air Jordans, Sketchers, Running Sneakers, Or Anything Else Your Dad Or a 15 Year Old Wigger Might Wear: I mean seriously. Cut this shit out. You look ridiculous. You throw on a button down, a decent pair of Lucky Jeans and then you... TOP THEM OFF WITH A PAIR OF SPARKLING WHITE JORDANS?!? ARE YOU EMINEM?!? OR ARE YOU RUNNING A FULL COURT GAME AT YOUR LOCAL GYM?!? Just stop that. Sneakers are comfortable, I get that. But frankly, so are shoes. But if you MUST be comfortable in your sneakers there are myriad choices other than what you see Darko Milicic wearing. For under $50 (and often under $30), you can get yourself a super stylish pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's. They come in a variety of colors and are ALWAYS mentioned in GQ and Esquire (they were just mentioned in an Esquire Ask The Stylist column lat month. True story.). But if you want to REALLY step it up, do a google search of Asics Onitsuka Tigers and you'll find a BEVY of styles that are amazing. Sure, some are gaudy, but you'll find plenty of plain sneakers that will work for you. Puma, Addidas, and even Saucony also make great casual shoes and I even found an awesome pair of Saucony's at Marshall's for under $20. But if they look like running shoes, and act like running shoes, then they probably are... RUNNING SHOES!!! WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T WEAR THEM TO A BAR OR COCKTAIL PARTY!!! Christ, even Jordan didn't wear Jordan's out!!!

Other Stuff You Might Want To Have: A Cardigan (not for your pipe smoking dad anymore); a swimsuit that is a bit shorter (not a Speedo, but the board shorts are over); a henley (if it was cool for John Matrix in Commando, then it is cool for us now!); a black button down; a plaid dress shirt (a gamble, but could by the tie bar of 2010); a great non-Red Sox Hat (old school baseball hats like the White Sox, Expos, Padres, and Brewers kill it).

What You Don't Need At All: A Pair of True Religions (Now become a staple of the Von Douche's); An Ed Hardy T-Shirt (The Douche Bag uniform); A navy blue blazer (isn't all that handy); The skinny tie (great if you are a high school teacher looking to impress 17 year olds, but not all that practical); boat shoes (never caught on); the leather jacket (can look great sometimes; other times, it can look like you're hunting down the Red Baron); a Western (I own several, but when I wear them out now, I look like... Everybody); a hoodless sweatshirt (wait, is it 1987?!?); fleece.

Okay, fine, ONE more song by The National (bad quality, but he came out with the people and got soaked... How money is THAT?!? There's me on the left!!! And do they still rock like The Wiggles, B. Hayes?!?)...

Seven You Should Know How To Make

Especially if you are a man. Well, definitely if you are a man. And as we all know, I am SUCH a man...

As for the ladies? Well, I guess you can judge a man buy these skills. And coming from a man of my stature, this should be gold.

7. Coffee- You could be snowed in on a Sunday. You could be camping with nary a Starbucks in sight. You could have your barista call in sick and have to settle for a Dunks. You could be a husband who wakes up before his wife. You could be a single man sleeping with a woman for the first time and want to make a good impression. Or you could just not like leaving your house.

Whatever type of man you are, you need to know how to make coffee. And it is preferable if you know how to make a GOOD cup of coffee. If you don't know your Sanka from your bold, here are a few tips: Buy a grind and brew, buy the light brown filters, and buy a good pound of whole bean coffee (nothing less than $10 a pound and if you like your coffee extra caffeniated, buy a lighter colored bean). And know the ratio. A scoop of beans for every five ounces of coffee. And keep some cream on hand.

6. Wings- Grill them (whole wings, over medium), slow cook them (buy yourself a crock pot), or deep fry them (use only corn oil and lightly flour them if you can't master the correct crispiness). Make them buffalo style, barbecue, or dry rub them with a nice cajun seasoning. But just know how to make these. You may have to host a fantasy draft or you may get invited to a pot luck that your wife can't make (she would have made the artichoke dip and that seems to wimpy to bring if you're flying solo). Or you may get invited to a pot luck and just have gotten dumped. Whatever the scenario, all men should know how to make an appetizer and as any Chili's menu will tell you, wings are an appetizer. They are also shockingly simple, yet always a big hit.

5. A Dessert- Just as you should know how to cook an appetizer, you should also know how to create a dessert. Look, we can all go to the Whole Foods dessert counter and get something cool, but desserts are meant to be homemade. Many cookie recipes made from scratch are shockingly simple and imagine you showed up at that pot luck with some homemade chocolate chip cookies (put some shaved milk chocolate in along with the Ghiradelli chocolate chips for a delicious taste AND proof you made them from scratch)? Or imagine for your wife/girlfriends birthday, you made a dozen red velvet cupcakes instead of picking up the carvel cake?!? You'd have carte blanch on card games and Schwarzenegger movies on Bravo for a month. You can also impress the hell out of a female co-worker you get in Secret Santa if you give a final gift of your own homemade gingerbread cookies in a Pottery Barn cookie jar (did that sound manly or just real gay?)..

Just learn how to make a dessert, huh? For fuck's sake, make a trifle. It's pudding, whipped cream, angel food cake, and booze. And if you can't impress those female colleagues with a cookie, you may as well get them drunk, right?

4. A Playlist- And I'm not talking a playlist for that girl you like. I'm talking about a playlist for ANY occassion. There will come a time in your life when you will host a party that doesn't involve kegs of Icehouse and a $5 Solo cup. And when you host said party, you might be having a guest list that doesn't include a roomful of dudes wearing backwards white basbeall hats and so those Phish live at MSG and Cypress Hill CDs just won't cut it anymore. So you HAVE to know how to make a playlist. But it's not just the party that matters, it's also who is going to be there and for how long. You're going to have men who purchased only one CD this year and that was Chinese Democracy. You're also going to have the man who is so indie, he listens to bands that don't even exist yet. And then you are going to have that woman who really likes dance music. So the playlist has to pander to EVERY guest.

You also need playlists that cater to moods. If it's late night and everyone is now just smoking up and the neighbors have already come by, then you have to be ready for that. You really have to be ready for anything, but most importantly, you never want someone to leave and say the music sucked. That would be dreadful. In golf, all you need is one good shot to make you return the next week. In playlist land, all you need is one good song to make the party goers want to return next week.

3. A Margarita-There is only one way to make a margarita, so pay very close attention and do not fuck this up. Get a good Silver tequila (Don Julio works well), Cointreau (triple sec? No.), fresh squeezed limes, several ice cubes, salt, and a heavy base whiskey glass (those stupid maragarita glasses you got as a gift? Throw them in the trash.). Rim the glass with salt. Fill the glass with ice. Add equal parts tequila and lime juice. Put in a splash of Cointreau. Throw in a lime wedge. Stir twice and serve. And if you even THINK about pouring a drop of that tequila into a blender filled with frozen bananas, then you are no man. You are a bartender at the Border Cafe in Saugus.

2. Pancakes- Never was there a manlier food to make. Sure, they are practically a pastry, but think about the best pancake you ever ate. It was made by a man, wasn't it? Besides, you'll one day be a dad and you'll win World's Best Dad if you master the pancake (especially if you have a daughter because while some tool bag Von Douche of a man may replace you someday, they will never to be able to replace YOUR pancakes).

Hint: Use buttermilk instead of regular milk, grease the pan with a butter soaked paper towel, toss the first batch, add some chocolate chips and spoon some powdered sugar on the stack just before you serve it. Your daughter's husband is fucked.

1. A Cheeseburger- Every piece of literature I read says that a man MUST know how to make a good steak. But every man already knows that. What not every man knows how to make is a good burger. They overcook them, they make them too small, and they don't get the right bun. There are not five episodes/issues of The Phantom Gourmet, Boston Magazine, The Boston Globe Magazine, or The Improper Bostonian that go by that do not have a "Best Burger In Boston" list. We'll drive 45 minutes out of the way to get a good burger, yet none of us know how to make them even though they are preposterously easy to make. Put together your own patties out of 85%-90% lean meat; season them with salt and pepper, grill over medium. Flip them three minutes earlier than you think you should flip them (just FLIP them for crissakes!!! NOW!!! It's not chicken!!!! You're not getting salmonella if there a bit pink!!!). Throw on the Hoffman sharp cheddar cheese a minute after flipping them. Butter up and grill a not overly huge sesame seed bun. Have some tomatoes, lettuce, and grilled onions on hand, plate and serve.

With the margarita and after the wings would be ideal.

If you know how to make these seven things and make them well, then you are officially a man.

This from a man who is currently styling himself after a character he just saw in a movie, so you know he is truly a manly man.

Seven You Should See

So recently, a few things have happened regarding my blog career...

1. I am fully aware it is going nowhere, but that's cool because I still like it and have other potential avenues to explore.

2. As I said, I like it, but I think might need a more specified niche to make it go somewhere.

3. I have two ideas for a very specific blog, one is about candy bars (which seems painfully lame, but keep in mind, three Jewish Brothers with no knowledge of the food industry have a show that everyone I know references) and the other is called Seven You Should See.

Seven You Should See will be debuted right now.

Really, Seven You Should See will eventually run out, but it could turn into Seven You Should...

And then it could morph into antyhing.

Seven Beers You Should Drink, Seven Songs From 1996 You Should Download, Seven Pieces A Male Should Have In His Wardrobe.

But for now, Seven You Should... Will be Seven You Should See. Mostly because I like movies and mostly because I think I know more about movies than you. It also works because I am painfully comfortable writing about movies. But really, it works because I think you actually might take something from it. And without sounding all Jake From The Bachelorette on you, I might have something to offer you with this. So, here is my first Seven You Should See. And the inagural Seven You Should See category is romantic comedy because recently I saw He's just not that into you (sic) and it wasn't near as bad as people said, yet it wasn't near as good as a picture as some of the (I-Have-A-Secret-Crush-On) romantic comedies I have seen in the past. So, without further ado, here is Seven Romantic Comedies You Should See.

But before I get into this, I obviously need to qualify... Because it wouldn't be a Big G post if it weren't five thousand words, no?

And to qualify, I must ask (without really caring what you think) what is a romantic comedy? Because, the term, according to Netflix, Boxofficemojo, and iMDB can be pretty ambiguous.

Well, to me, a romantic comedy is a ROMANTIC COMEDY. And since the first word is ROMANTIC, then it has to be a romance first. It can't be a straight up comedy that happens to have a love story like There's Something About Mary, Knocked Up, So I Married An Axe Murderer, or Clueless (which for me would fall in my NEXT category: High school movies). It also can't be an 80s flick like Pretty In Pink (called a rom-com) or Can't Buy Me Love. Again, that's a different category.

So, with my rules in mind (since it is my blog) here are my Seven Rom-Coms To See. I only hope you have the energy to rebut my choice of genre or film. I mean, give me something people!!!

7. She's The One- Is it a rom-com? I say yes, simply because of John Mahoney and if you're old like me, you'll remember that this is what made rom-com, rom-coms (if that makes sense). No easy answers, an against the grain ending, a bunch of laughs, hot girls (Cameron Diaz at her finest), some unlikeable couples, and some likeable couples. Call this the He's just not that into you (sic) blueprint. Good work Eddie Burns...

6. Bull Durham- Not a rom-com you say?!? A sports movie?!? I say bullshit. It has always fascinated me how this is classified as a "sports" film. Short of happening to have baseball as the Macguffin, this is a complete rom-com. Sports guys can get away with saying they like it because it is minor league baseball. Really, they like it because the old, washed up has been (who just happens to be a pretty damn good looking Kevin Costner) steals the girl from the young, cool stud. Any way you cut it, it's a great film that you must see, sports aside, because it's a shockingly good love story that weathers time very well.

5. 13 Going On 30- The very definition of a rom-com. It's also a Big rip off, but ripping off an American classic is not exactly a bad idea. Mark Ruffalo crushes it (the best American actor you've never heard of) and Jennifer Gardner makes you forget that she is Ben Affleck's wife. This is a movie you can watch with your girlfriend/wife as a "favor" and you'll end up loving. It has some lines that are so creative and so well written, including a classic by Ruffalo in which he somehow manages to equate his love for a girl and his love for Razzles in the same sentence without either the girl or the audience knowing.

4. Hitch- If you've read my blog or had a conversation with me over the past four years, you know my odd love for this movie. This IS what rom-coms should be. Funny, believable, heartfelt, and happy. Yeah, none of us look like Eva Mendes, Amber Valetta or Will Smith. And Kevin James would never get that girl, but somehow it all makes sense. And the Eva Mendes/Will Smith conversation in the bar over martinis is one I so wish I wrote. And I don't say that often.

3. Love Actually- Feeling like you hate your love life and you want to settle in with Ben, Jerry, a 12 Pack of Pabst and a flick? Then get this. Like Hitch, the perfect rom-com, only better. There's something for everyone here and while the Laura Linney brother story hurts it, the perfect acting brings it to a near four star level. Hugh Grant is at his absolute best and he literally makes me crack up three times (what the hell was that sound he made when his aide called his love interest fat?!?). Then there is Bill Nighy... Comedic genius... But the payoff is when Mark (Andrew Lincoln) shows up at Juliet's (Kiera Knightley) door. There's the rom to Bill Nighy's com. And there's a virtually perfect picture...

2. The American President- For years, I have been telling people to see this film. People may call it strictly a rom and not a com, but if they do, then they haven't seen Michael J. Fox light up this film. How it did not get the credit it deserved, I'll never know, but what I do know is that it is Michael Douglas at his finest. To refresh your memory, Mr. Douglas's three movies prior to this were pictures where he played a sex fiend (Basic Instinct), a gun toting lunatic (Falling Down), and a dude who got a blowjob from a hottie while he was married (no, not Fatal Attraction, but Disclosure), so I think that ultimately hurt the movie. But to say that at the time, he was pigeonholed would be an understatement. But after those three roles, he took the part as widower president Andrew Shepherd and he absolutely crushed it. He is literally the most likeable Michael Douglas has ever been- and that includes his Romancing The Stone Days. I watch this movie every time it is on TV and it is what rom-coms should be. The film has the best presidential press conference I've ever seen ("You want a character debate Bob? You better stick with me because Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of you league") and also not to be missed are Mr. Douglas's scenes with Martin Sheen playing pool ("No, but I could always pass her a note before study hall"). Awesome.

1. High Fidelity- If you haven't read this blog before, allow me to introduce myself... My name is Big G. I am Rob Gordon. And if you have read this blog and still haven't seen this movie, why shame on you. And if you have read this blog and HAVE seen this movie, what else did you expect?!? Just watch it again, okay?

Honorable Mention: About A Boy (Couldn't do two Nick Hornby, could I?), The Sweetest Thing (man Cameron can fill out a dress), Benny and Joon, and Just Like Heaven.

You Must Absolutely Miss Because They Are Beyond Bad: Singles, Six Days Seven Nights (that hurt Indiana/Han Solo), Bird On A Wire, Reality Bites, and The Last Kiss (neither a romance, nor a comedy... Just one of the stupidest films I've ever seen).

My Man! And It's About Goddamn Time!!!

If you haven't been watching The Bachelorette or have it on tivo, this is a spoiler. So be aware... If you couldn't care less then read on...

Okay.. You're good?

Good.

Because what I am about to say will annoy you.

Wes is the man...

For those of you that follow The Bachelorette, I am fully aware that this makes me sound like a douchebag. But allow me to speak.

For whatever number of years, ABC had perpetrated the fraud the The Bachelor/Bachelorette is somehow a valuable television show. TAnd more pathetic, they have convinced the audience that it is legit. ABC has convinced everyone that the people who go on this show are seeking "true love." Why people still buy into this idea is fascinating, but it also makes me understand why the divorce rate in the USA is 50%. Yes, this sounds crass, but it's a fact. I barely buy have the relationships I'm surrounded by, let alone the ones on TV.

Anyways, in the 17 seasons (yes, there have been 17 seasons of The Bachelor/Bacholrette) of the show, there has been exactly one relationship that has worked. We all know that to be Trista and Ryan. I don't have a calcualtor right in front of me, but I believe that 1 for 17 is even less than 50%, so in truth, The Bachelor/Bachelorette does nothing to help people find true love. And that's why the hate of the character Wes is amazing.

For those of you not interested in the show, let me explain to you what is happening.

Wes is a douche baggy guy from Texas who I would NEVER be friends with. He came on the show to promote his "Alt Rock Country" album at the advice of his management. He also came on the show with a full fledged girlfriend.

And with said girlfriend (who was apparently in on the whole thing because Wes made no bones about having a girlfriend while on the show) in hand, Wes made it into the final four where, in the limo, he admitted he had a girlfriend and was on the show to promote his album. It was reality show hall of fame material.

Now, true to form, every "respectful" girl in America had a meltdown. They claimed Wes was a conniving bastard who was on the show solely to promote his alt country album. Every week, the women of America HATED that Wes got a rose because- as the viewer- they knew he had a girlfriend and was on the show with the sole purpose to promote his album.

But a funny thing happened along the way. Wes became the Bachelorette's version of Puck.

And by this, I mean he became so hateable that you had to watch the show. He was a prick with a girlfriend who readily admitted he was on the show to promote his album. He was hated by everyone.

But you know what I say? Good for him.

I'm not doing this to be contrarian.

Yeah, he manipulated a girl and played with her heart, but a lot of us have done that. And to his credit, he never said he was doing anything differetly. From the very first episode, he made his intentions clear to the people around him. But yet every week, that dumb ass Canadien bitch gave him a rose and while the rest of society hated Wes, I said this: Good for you.

I know that Wes is a von douche and he and like I said, I would never be friends with him (unless he let me hit his sister who was SMOKIN when we saw her on the home visit). But good for him for exploiting the show. Because this show has somehow bamboozled the masses. Every person I know who has watched it HATES Wes and that's fine. He's a hateable guy. But why not hate the bachelor and bachelorette who have come on this how to advance their respective career?!? Do you all forget that fuckin Bob Gainey was a bachelor, but only after he lost 80 pounds and released an album?!? Do we not forget that this bachelorette was a chick who was bounced from the previous bachelor?!? I mean, everybody who goes onto a reality television shows goes on there for a reason?!? They all have an angle. I guarantee that stupid "nice guy" Jake will be the next Bacelor. Did he not go on their for a reason?!?

So for the first time in Bachelor/Bachelorette history, a guy went on the show with a clear, specific agenda. And he admitted it. Let's face facts folks: It's TV. Everyone goes on with an agenda, only Wes (Puck) is the first to admit it. Yet because of his in your face ways, America hated him. But all he did was the same thing everyone else on reality TV has done only he was stupid enough to ADMIT that's why he was doing it.

But in my eyes, I respect him because at least he was honest about it.

And what did that get him?

Hatred from anyone with ovaries.

And that's bullshit. And here's why:

ABC ALLOWED him on the show. And not only that, but they played his albums. If this thing wasn't as rigged as the card game in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, then I don't know what is.

Every single person on that stupid show comes on with an agenda, but because they want to look like Jesus Christ, they act overly nice (like Jake, the next Bachelor. And remember, you heard it here first) and force a personality.

But Wes never did.

And in a society that supposedly hates fakes, why would we hate on Wes?

As I said, he is a douche, but really, all Wes did was take his 15 minutes of fame and try to parlay it into something big; just as EVERY PERSON on a reality show ties to do. The only difference is that Wes NEVER PRETENDED to be anything different, while everyone else does.

So really, why not give Wes some love?!?

He is hateable because he is so EASY to hate, but really, how is he different from anyone else on reality television?!? He saw his chance and he took it. As Simon Cowell has always said, you're going to step on a few people on the way to the top. And that's exactly what Wes did.

But, because ABC has somehow bamboozled people into thinking this is a real dating shiw, Wes got crushed. But all he did was take an opportunity to try to advance his career, just as the current bachelorette is doing.

So, when this whole thing unfolds and we see the episode "The Bachelorette, After the Rose" and learn that that Canadien bitch is not with Ed because they "couldn't work it out," then really, who gives a fuck what Wes did?!?

Ultimately, I think everyone hates Wes because they have all met a Wes once in their lives. Everyone has met met a guy or a girl who has played them and destroyed them. But where those people and Wes are different is that at least Wes always admitted he was playing people.

And in the end, that's why I love Wes. Yeah he's a douche bag, but at least he was an HONEST douche bag.

And shame on that chick for not seeing through that scam, but more importantly, shame on ABC for allowing Wes to be on that show because they knew his schtick. And they went for it, for ratings sake.

So hate Wes all you want, but hate ABC more because they made Wes.

Ultimately, I say good for Wes. He's watched people manipulate that show for years, so why shouldn't he get his too?!?

Hate Wes all you want ladies, but if you hate Wes, then stop watching reality TV because everyone on relaity TV is in it for the same reasons Wes was.

Themselves.

Happy Father's Day

The following is based on true events...

It is the summer of 1998. A semi-old man walks into a split level home carrying several bags of groceries. Only his oldest son is home and as he unloads said groceries, the two engage in a conversation about Near East Rice and its off shoot products. Per usual, it is witty banter, but it evenetually turns combative as the two- despite their love of one another- can be somewhat competitive. The son, a graduate school student, is living at home. The father, a hard working, brilliant man, and graduate of Boston University, has an acerbic yet polite wit. He has long loved his children and he frequently defers to them. Except for today...

Son: Hey Dad. Need help with the bags?

Father: No, I got them all.

Son: You get something good for dinner?

Father: I actually did. I got a bunch of chicken and steak tips. I figured I'd buy if you fly. Only I bought and flew so that means you have to cook everything.

Son: (Ecstatic about the set up) Oh, that's great dad. I'll definitely grill that shit up. Thanks for getting that.

Father: Nice! I always mess up the grilling anyways. You kids are way better at it than me.

Son: No doubt, we'll take care of it.

Father: Is anyone else gonna be here?

Son: Oh,no doubt. Julie, Molly, and Mike are all gonna be here, so it'll be great.

Father: Nice. I also picked up some ingredients for a Caesar Salad and I got some Couscous (he pronounced this Coo-Shis), and a bunch of Bass Ales.

Son: (Immediately regonizing that the dad called it Coo-shis) That's awesome! It's gonna be a feast! Molly and Julie can make the Caesar and I'll crush the chicken and tips on the grill and Dad, by the way... (Son stammers)

Father: Yes?

Son: The stuff you bought that is like rice is actually called CousCous (pronounced Coos-Coos).

Father: That's great about the salad... And you're completely wrong.

Son: (Sensing an increase of tension) No, the salad is gonna be money, but what do you mean I'm wrong?

Father: Yes, the salad will be nice. And you're wrong about the Coo-Shis.

Son: What?

Father: The Coo-shis. You sound like a prententious dumb ass when you call it coos-coos. It's called coo-shis. Don't be one of those guys.

Son: Dad, listen, you're way smarter than me and you always have been, but it's called coos-coos.

Father: You are so pretentious. I know you hang out at those Davis Square Bars and think you know what you're talking about, but that word is clearly pronounced coo-shis.

Son: (Now becoming defensive and arrogant) Dad, listen, I'm not trying to one up you but it's called coos-coos.

Father: Horses ahhs it is. What the hell is coos-coos? No one uses that word! Jeez, four years in Amherst and you've become this pretentious?

Son: (Becoming extremely agitated) Dad, you eat sardine sandwiches and put raspberry vinegrette on your burritoes. You have no refined pallette. I think I know more about food than you.

Father: Oh, you know more about food than me? Well, if that were the case, then you'd know this word is pronounced coo-shis.

Son: Dad, stop it. It's coos-coos.

The conversation ceases for approximately eight minutes as both stubborn parties do not speak.

Father: Well look at this. There is a 1-800 on the Near East coo-shis box. I think I'm gonna call this and get everything straightened out.

Son: Go ahead. You'll be wrong.

Two minutes pass...

Father: You know what? I'm doing it... I will bet you fifty dollars you pronounce it coos-shis.

Son: You know what, make it a hundred. And you know what? We'll never know, so what's the point?

Father: Well, we'll know when I call this number and get it sorted out...

Son: What.. Err... Uh... Ffffpf...

The father picks up the cordless phone, peers over his glasses and dials the number as his son sits in stunned silence with his heart pounding.

Father: Hey, sorry to bother you today, but I love your product... Well thank you... It is very tasty... Anyways, I was hoping you could help me out. My family always buys your rice product, but tonight we bought a different product. It is the one called coo-shus. Now, I know it is called coo-shis but my I-think-I-am-smarter-than-everyone-else-son says it is called coos-coos. So I figured I would call you and settle this debate... Oh really?!? It is called coos-shis?!? Coos-shis you say? Well thank you! And what is your name? Millie? Excellent. Thank you Millie.

The son sits in stunned silence...

Father: See, I told you. Coo-shis it is.

Son: There's no way that can be!

Father: Well, get over it kid. You're wrong.

Son: I'm so sure it's coos-coos.

Father: Well, it's not. You just heard it from Millie. It's coo-shis. Call if you don't believe it.

The lady doth protest too much...

Son: You know what. I just might. Because I'm not buying it.

Father: Well go ahead. You're gonna be made a fool.

The son, because he is a liar himself, knows that he got his liar tendencies from someone, so he makes a fatefu;l decision.

Son: I'm calling.

Father: Go ahead. You'll be made an ass.

The son is now fired up and so he grabs the Near
East Box and dials the 1-800 number.

Son: Hey, listen so sorry to bother you today miss, but I just have a question.

Near East Rice Lady: Go ahead...

Son: Well, this is so stupid, but I just bought one of your products and I was wondering the pronunciation of it...

Near East Rice Lady: Excuse me sir, diidn't you just call?!?

Son: Ah, what?

Near East Rice Lady: Sir, you just called and I told you the pronunciation.

The son now is laughing because he realizes that there is only one person manning the phones of the Near East 1-800 number becase NO ONE CALLS IT!!!

Son: Well, miss, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you, but that was actaully my father.

Near East Rice Lady: What?

Son: Yeah, that was my father who called you.

Near East Rice Lady: My god. You guys sound exactly alike.

Son: Well, thank you I guess. Anyways, could you tell me how you pronounce your product that is spelled c-o-u-s-c-o-u-s?!?

Near East Rice Lady: Your father didn't tell you?!?

Son: Well, no, he did, but I kind of didn't buy it. That's why I'm callibng you...

Near East Rice Lady: Well what did he say?

Son: He said you said you pronounced it coo-shis.

Near East Rice Lady: He said that?!?

Son: Yes.

Near East Rice Lady: Well, he lied to you.

In the background, a door can be heard slamming.

Son: What?!?

Near East Rice Lady: He lied to you. I said you pronounced it coos-coos-. Which is how you pronounce it.

Son: REALLY?!?

Near East Rice Lady: Ah... Yeah...

Son: My god, I love you! What's you name?

Near East Rice Lady: I just told your dad... Millie...

Son: Well Millie. Thanks. You just won me $100.

Near East Rice Lady: Well that's great... And sir, can I say something?

Son: Of course.

Near East Rice Lady: These are without a doubt the most enjoyable phone calls I have had in my four years on this job. You and you father are such fun.

Son: Well thanks Millie.

Near East Rice Lady: No really, what a blast. I wish nothing but the best for both of you.

The son has no idea what to say.

Son: Well thanks Millie. Just know, you'll always be part of a great story.

Near East Rice Lady: Glad I was.

Son: Bye Millie.

Near East Rice Lady: Bye friend.

The son turns around to talk trash about his win, but the dad is not present. The son looks out the window and the father's car is gone. He may have lost the battle, but never the war...

It's stories like this that I think about on days like this. I want it to be a happy day, but it ain't. But then I realize, it's happy for a lot of my great friends who read and support this blog. So to Brian H., Scott T, Dave M, Jay G., Scott M., Brian C., Steve T., Brian J., Eric S., Steve G., and all the other followers of my blog, Happy Father's Day. Enjoy every second of it and know that the weirdest things will be the moments that your children cherish the most.

Love all you dads and all that you do and all that you've done for me. You guys make every day of your children's life amazing, even when it's a call to a rice company.

Love you all, but mostly, I love my dad, the greatest of all dads.

I hope you can read this dad. You did such a good job. My three siblings make me so proud.

And I hope we make you proud too.

Go coos-coos.

Of Hipster Hip Hoppers, Whiny Republicans, Braless Hot Chicks, My Cees, Stupid Special Ed, And The Dude Who Sang Mmmbop

Yeah, yeah. It's been over a month. Sporcle.com has done me in. It's also proven that I have far less knowledge than I thought I had, but anyways, on to the good stuff...

Let me get this straight. David Letterman- who hasn't made an inappropriate comment in his 45 years in the business- is now a pedophile? Here's why this is awesome: My conservative friends (and I have a ton!) are always hammering we liberals for "whining" and "taking things to seriously." Well, it must be dark days for the GOP because if they have to rally around this and try to get David Letterman fired, then it really is a sorry state of affairs for the poor Republicans. And when was rape mentioned? Was it when he made a joke about Bristol Palin, the senior in high school who was in fact, knocked up?!? Or was it when he said A-Rod raped a girl. Oh wait, he didn't say that. So wake me up when he says something offensive about gays, blacks, or immigrants, like Limbaugh, Savage, and Severin do nightly. Anyways, I've always loved Dave and I love him even more after this. Legendary...



Sticking with the Late Night thing, I've never been a huge Conan O'Brien guy. I do find him quite funny, but I just never got into him. But what NBC is doing to him by putting Jay Leno in prime time is just garbage. Conan must be like, "Thanks for the vote of confidence NBC!" Oh well. All those old, conservative bastards who like Mr. Hook Chin can go to bed 90 minutes earlier now...

We now officially have two months in Boston: winter and summer. July 4th is in less than three weeks and it felt like early April the past three mornings...

Night school has ended, so I plan on crushing my Netflix movies. I did see Twilight and I have two questions. What the hell was that baseball scene and why does Kristin Stewart only have one facial expression? Isn't she an actor? Act goddamit! She spent the whole movie being that overly dramatic emo kid you have in class who you want to punch...

Just two short years ago, I loved all of the star players in the NBA and then the Celtics got good and now I hate them all with an unbridled passion. I was so happy when LeBron lost and I wanted Kobe to lose so badly. I do not think there is someone I have more of a love/hate relationship with than Kobe Bryant. He is so good that it is almost nauseating but at the same time, he is just plain nauseating. Bill Simmons crushed an article on him Monday. he said everything I wanted to say, but can't. That's probably why he is employed by ESPN and I am employed by Lynnfield Public Schools...

Speaking of Lynnfield, cool Millie is retiring and it got me to thinking: Imagine being retired?!? You collect a check and are on permanent vacation. How unbelievable is that? I have 13 years in. What you think my pension is now? $136 a week? I might do it...

I've been waiting for a good hip hop song for years and I found it in The Knux "Cappucino." Of course, it took a bunch of Hipster rappers to make a good rap song. If only 50 Cent and Eminem could figure out that THIS is what we want in hip hop. Enjoy (and special thanks to my curmudgeon brother for showing me the way yet again)...



My boy Shaughnessey destroyed it again Monday. He ripped L.A. for their ridiculous use of the word great and for the beatification of Phil Jackson. My boy constantly gets shredded for writing anti-Boston articles (it's called humor kids), but Monday's was awesome. And he's right. If KG doesn't get hurt, we are having the second most fun spring ever this year...

I'm missing the Celtics even more because the Red Sox are officially doing nothing for me. Thankfully, I have three of them on my second place fantasy team, so I can watch them and root for them...

Full disclosure: One of them is Youkilis. It sucks rooting for Youkilis...

I have been to a plethora of Dave Matthews concerts over the years, not so much because I am a superfan, but mostly because someone is always inviting me (likely because they know I like to get drunk). And I must say that "Funny The Way It Is" is the best thing he has done it years. It absolutely rocks and has one of the best lines in recent music. Not that you care, but knowing me I'm sure you'll figure it out...



So I am going to apply for a job at the movie website joblo.com. They are currently accepting applications and they need a writing sample. Any suggestions as to which one I should send..?

I am officially done with the Sandbox on WFNX (although I keep listening). I started this as a separate post a few days ago and couldn't get angry enough which must mean that the show isn't relevant enough to earn my true ire. But my hatred for the show revolves around Special Ed. He is SUCH a contrarian that it is beyond annoying. Now, I know this is coming from Coughlin Contrarian over here, but I do not argue EVERYTHING just to argue it (I always have rational reasons for my points). He has to battle everything and I understand that a radio/television show works well when there is differeing opinions but he has really been too much of late. I wish I could give a more solid example, but like I said, he isn't even annoying me enough to recall one as I type this. I also think the show is trying to draw in a different crowd than what FNX used to draw in. Listen to who calls in some time. It's people from Southern New Hampshire, Billerica, and Tewksbury. I haven't heard a hipster opinion on there since the inception of the show. Also, their morning playlists have been god awful. Three months ago, they played to death every ALMOST cool song like MGMT and Airborne Toxic Event. They have now rotated out anything new and are instead playing old standbys Weezer, The Offspring, Foo Fighters, Sublime (you know I listen during that), Rage Against the Machine, and U2. And while I at one time liked Weezer and Sublime and Rage and The Offspring, they might be my generations alternative cock rock. By this I mean they are the types of bands you can SAY you like and still have music credibility, but at the end of the day, you are saying you like bands that are between thirty and fifteen years old at this point. Just play something new FNX and fire Special Ed...

Like my FNX blog, I also tried a blog after The National show/day. I could not put the day into words. I'll just say that I now understand Dead Heads and that Saturday was probably the greatest day of my adult life. How's that for a review..?

Hungry Mother has replaced the Highland Kitchen as the Boston Globe's most loved restaurant...

So, I didn't watch a morsel of American idol this year (well, maybe I watched a bit), but the hatred for Lambert was funny. I think people despised him so much because he was annointed The One by the judges and was always the favorite. But while he was at times screechy and was definitely over the top, he never rubbed me the wrong way. He was never really a tool and he seemed pretty genuine when that vanilla southern kid won. And I always found the screechy critique odd. I think Guns 'N Roses sold a few records with this screechy guy as a frontman...

Speaking of that vanilla southern kid who won, what's the over/under on his marriage lasting? I say 18 months...

Megan Fox continues to be the hottest chick I have ever seen. It's almost unfair to the rest of the chicks of the world. But reading her interviews makes me 100% convinced that she is a female chuckah. But hey, she did say she likes old guys and I qualify as an Old Guy. Although she is a chuckah, she is forgiven for reasons like this...



See that debate where they are trying to get rates changed on texting because it is almost 100% profit and the rates they charge are so high that it could legally qualify as price gouging?!? How awesome would this be for me since I think I am single handedly keeping AT&T in business with my texts...

I may have lost my music snob fastball because A) I love yet another Kelly Clarkson song ("I Do No Hook Up") and B) I don't even mind that song by Tinted Windows. In case you don't know who Tinted Windows are, they are a supergroup with some really old guy from Cheap Trick, a random guy from Fountains of Wayne, an Asian dude from Smashing Pumpkins (not Billy Corgan), and the lead singer from Hanson. Yes, that Hanson...

I actually hate Sporcle because the movie games puts a lot of pressure on me. I know that four of my four readers play a good amount of trivia and there is nothing worse than FEELING the pressure of the category that you are SUPPOSED to answer. For example, I have not played the name the Brad Pitt movies because I know I'll fuck it up and forget Seven and Fight Club or something...

Well, school ends in mere moments and a new countdown starts. 44 more days until The All Points West Music Festival in Liberty Park. It's a three day festival. I am going Friday night. You can probably guess why...

In the words of Schwarzenegger, I'll be back. Soon. Until then, here's to the summer...

I Hate People: Part II

Editor's Note: It has pained the author, no DESTROYED the author, internally to NOT tell this story to everyone he knows, particularly the people he sees all the time. He fought every urge not to tell it at Mother's Day Brunch. But he succesfully resisted and we at Three Days Is Kinda Money feel that we are all the better for it, because this may be the author's To Kill A Mockingbird

So last Monday morning, my barista called in sick to work and he was unavailable to make my morning coffee. Because I hit snooze one more time than I should have, I was very late and I could not make the coffee for myself. But because I am massively addicted to caffeine, I knew I needed a coffee or I was in big trouble. I weighed my options and realized that there was definitely not time to go to Diesel in Davis and there is nary a Starbucks on my ride. Lynnfield- because it is one of the three least hip towns in the world- has no Honey Dew, let alone a Starbucks or independent coffee shop. Someone probably wanted to open a cute local shop in Lynnfield some years ago, but they were evicted from the town after they voted democrat, which no one in Lynnfield does.

So, I made the fateful decision to slum it like Robbie did with Penny in Dirty Dancing and hit up the Dunkin Donuts on the Mystic Valley Parkway. I knew this was a terrible decision from the outset but it is A) directly on the way and B) I had a Dunks gift card (given to me by someone who quite obviously doesn't know me that well). Little did I know it would turn into the shit show that it did.

I pulled into this Dunks which, shockingly, was empty (when I was a young, foolish 26year old without the refined pallet I currently have, I used to frequent this Dunks and it was busier than Filene's Basement on wedding dress day). I ordered up my medium (I said grande for spite) French Vanilla and asked for just a "touch of cream" and one sugar. I was handed what appeared to be a vanilla frappe mixed with 140 Pixie Stix. To lessen the pain, I ordered a chocolate frosted doughnut (Dunks still gets these done by the way).

As I walked to my car, I took two sips of the coffee and thought about throwing it out, but the idea of the Hulk Out Headache I'd get stopped me from doing that. Instead, I held the door for the three guys exiting behind me and I noted that I looked like the person in that Sesame Street bit "One of These Things Doesn't Belong Here" as all three are in various painting/carpentry sweatshirts with baseball hats and workboots. The parking lot was now jammed full and I noticed that directly next to my Jetta (wonder which of the four dudes who just left Dunks owns that car?) is a giant silver van.

I note that there are several open spaces farther away from the Dunks (and by farther, I mean fifteen feet), but Sal Silver Van decided that he could fit his Ecoline in the spot between the lamppost and my Jetta. As I move to the car, I'm surprisingly not that irritated as my gym lot is tight and I often have to perform gymnastics moves to get into my car there. But as you can probably guess, my lack of irritation was not going to last.

I placed my sick coffee and sweet doughnut on the roof of my car and opened the door. As I opened the door, I gently tapped the Econoline next to me. I knew this was inevitable and made a point to do so gently. But I think you know where this was going.

I recall hearing a "hey," but assumed it was Pete The Plumber greeting Rick the Roofer and so I continued loading my foodstuffs and myself into my car. That is when I heard a door slam and saw a man standing in the tiny aperture that is the space between my Jetta and his Econoline.

In the back of my mind, I knew the "hey" was for me and so in the nine seconds between the "hey" and the appearance of the man who was dressed exactly like Malcolm MacDowell's Alex in A Clockwork Orange (I'm to assume he was a painter?), I prepared myself for the verbal conversation I knew I was about to have.

You know how you always later think of good things to say to someone? Well, in that nine seconds I somehow managed to game plan like Bill Belichick and so I was confident going into the battle that was looming. The fact that it was Monday and I had an awful coffee in my hand had me foaming at the mouth for a good fight. And so when Alex arrived, I was ready. The exchange went something like this...

"Hey," says Alex.

"Good morning. Can I help you?" (Can you feel my passive/aggressiveness?!?)

"Yeah... You can help me... Ya hit my cah..."

"Oh, you mean with my door?"

"Ya... With you DOOR, whaja think ya hit it wit?"

"Well, since I can't get in it to drive it, I figured I didn't rear end you."

"You being funny?"

"No sir, I'm not. It's just that there was no other alternative to hitting your car with my car door since you parked your car in such close proximity to mine. Despite that fact, I still worked diligently to not slam my door into your van and I only lightly touched it because I was presented with no other choice."

(Long pause from Alex)

"Huh?"

"What I mean sir, is that to get into my car I HAD to make contact with your car door and even then, I could barely get in."

(What I am about to write is 100% true. It is so stunning and caught me so completely by surprise that my response was not the "what?" like I didn't hear you what that I sometimes am a party to, but was in fact a "what?" like a "holy-shit-did-you-just-say-that-what?!?")

"Well, you could have pulled ya' cah up some befaw ya got in it!"

(It is my turn for a lengthy pause).

"What?"

"I said..."

"No sir, I heard what you said, but how was I to pull my car forward if I could not have gotten in it?"

"Well..."

"Should I have climbed through the sunroof? Or should I have used the force to disable the parking break and then push it forward?"

"Listen, don't get wise with me guy..."

I have now grown completely agitated.

"Sir, I'm not getting wise with you, I just didn't cause any damage to your car and if anyone has a right to be upset it is me since you parked like an ass clown by giving me no room to get into my car."

(Yes, I ratcheted things up by firing ass clown out there)

"Don't swear at me pal."

"Well, don't come out here and start yelling at me on a Monday morning for gently tapping your car with my door when I was extremely cautious about it and made extra effort to NOT cause your car any damage."

"Ya know what? I've had enough of this. I'm gonna get your plates and you're gonna hear from my insurance company."

(I contemplated many responses here, but settled on this)

"Well, grab your polaroid and take a picture of all the damage chief and have your insurance company send me a bill."

I proceed to get into my car which is awkward because he parked so close to.

"Hey buddy, you're not leaving just yet. We got stuff to settle."

"I'm late for work boss (trying my best to use every condesceding term in my arsenal) so I'm going to have to run. My name is Gerard. G-E-R-A-R-D. Write it down (that was taken directly from Seven by the way) Copy down my plates- that is if you can read (yup, went there)- and have your people contact my people."

"You're not going anywhere funny guy."

Alex then proceeds to stand in front of my car with his hand up. He must have learned this in crossing guard school. However, he must have skipped the class that taught about the reverse option on a car. So, instead of mowing down Alex, I simply backed up. I heard him yelling after me and then he starts to move to his passenger side door. I see him open it and eight days later, I am still confused what his play was here. Was he checking the "ding?" Reaching for a camera? A pen? A cell phone? A shotgun?

Whatever he was doing, I managed to evaluate a situation like I have never been able to evaluate a situation before. I felt like Tom Brady seeing the field and realized what it meant when an athlete says everything slowed down because suddenly, everything slowed down. And in that moment, I decided to do what I had now determined was the only thing I could possibly do in the enraged state I was in.

Settled on said decision, I evaluated the pass rush and scanned the field for open receivers. I was directly at the plaza exit and saw that not a single car was coming in either direction, so I could fly right out after I did what I was about to do. I saw that Alex was not in the driver's side, so he couldn't pursue me. I saw there were no cars with flashing blue lights in the parking lot. I saw that Alex wasn't looking at me. I saw my disgusting coffee sitting in my cupholder. I saw a giant, silver target... And I also saw something else; something that made me realize that my decision was justified and that this entire morning was fate; for there was really no other way...

And so I yanked my parking break and popped open my door, French Vanilla in hand. I emerged from the car, planted my right foot on the ground, and kept my left foot in the door. I squared my shoulders at the receiver, gripped the coffee cup so that the lid was held tightly with two fingers, as if it were an odd shaped baseball, leaned my right arm back...

And I fired...

I saw the ball (cup) sail perfectly through the air. The spiral was tight (nary a drop spilled out), I saw Moss open his hands (the rear of the van) and...

Touchdown!!!

My shitty french vanilla smacked his back windows square and exploded in a creamy, caffeine filled mess.

I had only a second to admire my handy work as my heart was pounding, so I jumped in my car, dropped the break, slammed the door, and tried my damnest not to stall.

And as I raced out of sight, I turned and saw a raging Alex crossing Mystic Valley Parkway and pursuing me on foot up the center median. Thankfully for me, the line of cars in the left only lane was small and just starting to move because the light had flashed green. I felt like Indiana Jones when he adjusted his cap and smiled after successfully grabbing the idol at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I hit the on ramp and was off an running for work. Chest pounding, music blaring, smile beaming.

And that last thing I saw? It was a license plate. I think you know the state name that was emblazoned on the plate.

New Hampshire.

Poor Alex. How was he to know that by simply choosing to garage his car in that redneck state, he would get himself a coffee car wash?

But what was Alex to know?

It was just fate.

I Hate People: Part I

The answer is 36,000.

The question?

How many people died from the flu last year in the United States.

And I mean the plain, old, vomitting, chills, diarahea, I-Really-Wouldn't-Mind-Dying-Right-Now flu that we get every year.

That's 36,000 or 18,000 times more people who have died from The Swine Flu.

I know that the swine flu hype is dying down right now and I'm a week late on this, but I just really hate people these days.

If you have had a five minute conversation with me in your lifetime, you likely know that I like to rage against the masses, but this isn't what this is about. It's about people being stupid, ignorant, fickle, and having a pathetic inability to think rationally.

I know I'm stealing a bit here from Michael Moore, but do those of you in my middle aged tier remember "The Killer Bees?" I think I first heard about The Killer Bees at my bus stop from one of The Musto Twins in second grade and I must say, I was horrified. But, I hope you can excuse me because I was, after all, 8.

But what ever happened to those Killer Bees that were coming up here from Guatemala or El Salvador or Mexico or whatever? Other than Hollywood making a movie of this (and I remember a group of kids being trapped on a bus, which is pretty much exactly how I envisioned it in y 8 year old imagination), they never showed up? Why? Probably because there was no such thing. But the more likely reason is that if you think about it, THERE IS NO WAY THERE CAN POSSIBLY BE KILLER BEES THAT WILL OVERRUN AMERICA AND KILL EVERYONE THEY COME INTO CONTACT WITH!!!

I mean, do you know anything about bees because I do not. But what I do know is that they do not travel thousand of miles across the world in massive swarms. Usually, they buzz about their nest in a garage and occassionally saunter over to a nearby pool to make sunbathers have a 15 second freak out. But what they do not do is FLY ACROSS CONTINENTS TO ATTACK KIDS WAITING AT BUS STOPS IN BURLINGTON, MASSACHUSETTS.

And then there's been other stuff that people panic about that make me crack up. Remember Y2K (imagine the US Government being so idiotic that a computer glitch would make planes come crashing to the ground), anthrax (this is still Justin Timberlake's career low... Admitting that he purchased Cipro on the black market because he feared Anthrax... And not because they were brining the noise), or the school wide searches that went on after Columbine (where did those metal detectors go?)? Then there was Mad Cow disease, Glade Plug Ins causing fires, cell phones randomly exploding, and myriad other preposterous myths that never amounted to anything.

Now, we have Swine Flu. Like Jules Winfield, I don't dig on swine. And like Jerry Seinfeld, I hate people.

I just amazes me that people continue to not have the ability to freely think for themselves and they buy into these utterly ridiculous myths, notions, scares, and panics. Is Swine Flu real? Most certainly? Are you going to catch it? Absolutely not. And if my Lowell readers manage to (don that mask Molly, Matt, Julie, and Little Jerry) catch Swine Flu, do you know what will happen to them? They will feel like shit for aa few days, get to miss a bunch of days of work, and get a forced diet that will give them wash board abs because they can't eat anything.

There's a lot to blame for this panic, including The Fifth Estate, which you all know I long to be a part of. But they have a responsibility to report on this, just as the government has a responsibility to protect us from it and warn us about it. I understand both of those pieces.

But can't people take this information and act a bit more rationally? Are more people OCD than I thought? Are tons of people germ-a-phobes and I just can't see it? Are people maybe more concerned about their health than I am? The answer to all of these questions is probably yes and although I'll never be able to enter someones mind and understand what it is like to truly fear being sick, it continues to amaze me that people are unable to just cool out.

It seems like that the "epidemic" is coming to an end and I hear the WHO (do they sing "Baba O'Riley?") are thinking about downgrading the scare, but I want to know more about the people who bought into this scare and wear face masks. Will they later be embarrased that they wore a face mask? Will they think they are losers for skipping a trip to Mexico in the same way that I think I am a loser for wearing pegged Skidz in 1992?

Or do they think they "did the right thing?" Do they think their precautions were just and proper? Like the people who bought duct tape and plastic in 2001, do they think they were just in their fears?

And that's more the fascination with this Swine Flu thing: The people who are scared of it.

I want to like people and respect their opinions. Really, I do. But in times like this, I just can't. But I guess that's what makes people people. We are all different.

Because if there were a world of me, we wouldn't hav made it much past the protizoa stage of development.