Happy Father's Day

The following is based on true events...

It is the summer of 1998. A semi-old man walks into a split level home carrying several bags of groceries. Only his oldest son is home and as he unloads said groceries, the two engage in a conversation about Near East Rice and its off shoot products. Per usual, it is witty banter, but it evenetually turns combative as the two- despite their love of one another- can be somewhat competitive. The son, a graduate school student, is living at home. The father, a hard working, brilliant man, and graduate of Boston University, has an acerbic yet polite wit. He has long loved his children and he frequently defers to them. Except for today...

Son: Hey Dad. Need help with the bags?

Father: No, I got them all.

Son: You get something good for dinner?

Father: I actually did. I got a bunch of chicken and steak tips. I figured I'd buy if you fly. Only I bought and flew so that means you have to cook everything.

Son: (Ecstatic about the set up) Oh, that's great dad. I'll definitely grill that shit up. Thanks for getting that.

Father: Nice! I always mess up the grilling anyways. You kids are way better at it than me.

Son: No doubt, we'll take care of it.

Father: Is anyone else gonna be here?

Son: Oh,no doubt. Julie, Molly, and Mike are all gonna be here, so it'll be great.

Father: Nice. I also picked up some ingredients for a Caesar Salad and I got some Couscous (he pronounced this Coo-Shis), and a bunch of Bass Ales.

Son: (Immediately regonizing that the dad called it Coo-shis) That's awesome! It's gonna be a feast! Molly and Julie can make the Caesar and I'll crush the chicken and tips on the grill and Dad, by the way... (Son stammers)

Father: Yes?

Son: The stuff you bought that is like rice is actually called CousCous (pronounced Coos-Coos).

Father: That's great about the salad... And you're completely wrong.

Son: (Sensing an increase of tension) No, the salad is gonna be money, but what do you mean I'm wrong?

Father: Yes, the salad will be nice. And you're wrong about the Coo-Shis.

Son: What?

Father: The Coo-shis. You sound like a prententious dumb ass when you call it coos-coos. It's called coo-shis. Don't be one of those guys.

Son: Dad, listen, you're way smarter than me and you always have been, but it's called coos-coos.

Father: You are so pretentious. I know you hang out at those Davis Square Bars and think you know what you're talking about, but that word is clearly pronounced coo-shis.

Son: (Now becoming defensive and arrogant) Dad, listen, I'm not trying to one up you but it's called coos-coos.

Father: Horses ahhs it is. What the hell is coos-coos? No one uses that word! Jeez, four years in Amherst and you've become this pretentious?

Son: (Becoming extremely agitated) Dad, you eat sardine sandwiches and put raspberry vinegrette on your burritoes. You have no refined pallette. I think I know more about food than you.

Father: Oh, you know more about food than me? Well, if that were the case, then you'd know this word is pronounced coo-shis.

Son: Dad, stop it. It's coos-coos.

The conversation ceases for approximately eight minutes as both stubborn parties do not speak.

Father: Well look at this. There is a 1-800 on the Near East coo-shis box. I think I'm gonna call this and get everything straightened out.

Son: Go ahead. You'll be wrong.

Two minutes pass...

Father: You know what? I'm doing it... I will bet you fifty dollars you pronounce it coos-shis.

Son: You know what, make it a hundred. And you know what? We'll never know, so what's the point?

Father: Well, we'll know when I call this number and get it sorted out...

Son: What.. Err... Uh... Ffffpf...

The father picks up the cordless phone, peers over his glasses and dials the number as his son sits in stunned silence with his heart pounding.

Father: Hey, sorry to bother you today, but I love your product... Well thank you... It is very tasty... Anyways, I was hoping you could help me out. My family always buys your rice product, but tonight we bought a different product. It is the one called coo-shus. Now, I know it is called coo-shis but my I-think-I-am-smarter-than-everyone-else-son says it is called coos-coos. So I figured I would call you and settle this debate... Oh really?!? It is called coos-shis?!? Coos-shis you say? Well thank you! And what is your name? Millie? Excellent. Thank you Millie.

The son sits in stunned silence...

Father: See, I told you. Coo-shis it is.

Son: There's no way that can be!

Father: Well, get over it kid. You're wrong.

Son: I'm so sure it's coos-coos.

Father: Well, it's not. You just heard it from Millie. It's coo-shis. Call if you don't believe it.

The lady doth protest too much...

Son: You know what. I just might. Because I'm not buying it.

Father: Well go ahead. You're gonna be made a fool.

The son, because he is a liar himself, knows that he got his liar tendencies from someone, so he makes a fatefu;l decision.

Son: I'm calling.

Father: Go ahead. You'll be made an ass.

The son is now fired up and so he grabs the Near
East Box and dials the 1-800 number.

Son: Hey, listen so sorry to bother you today miss, but I just have a question.

Near East Rice Lady: Go ahead...

Son: Well, this is so stupid, but I just bought one of your products and I was wondering the pronunciation of it...

Near East Rice Lady: Excuse me sir, diidn't you just call?!?

Son: Ah, what?

Near East Rice Lady: Sir, you just called and I told you the pronunciation.

The son now is laughing because he realizes that there is only one person manning the phones of the Near East 1-800 number becase NO ONE CALLS IT!!!

Son: Well, miss, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you, but that was actaully my father.

Near East Rice Lady: What?

Son: Yeah, that was my father who called you.

Near East Rice Lady: My god. You guys sound exactly alike.

Son: Well, thank you I guess. Anyways, could you tell me how you pronounce your product that is spelled c-o-u-s-c-o-u-s?!?

Near East Rice Lady: Your father didn't tell you?!?

Son: Well, no, he did, but I kind of didn't buy it. That's why I'm callibng you...

Near East Rice Lady: Well what did he say?

Son: He said you said you pronounced it coo-shis.

Near East Rice Lady: He said that?!?

Son: Yes.

Near East Rice Lady: Well, he lied to you.

In the background, a door can be heard slamming.

Son: What?!?

Near East Rice Lady: He lied to you. I said you pronounced it coos-coos-. Which is how you pronounce it.

Son: REALLY?!?

Near East Rice Lady: Ah... Yeah...

Son: My god, I love you! What's you name?

Near East Rice Lady: I just told your dad... Millie...

Son: Well Millie. Thanks. You just won me $100.

Near East Rice Lady: Well that's great... And sir, can I say something?

Son: Of course.

Near East Rice Lady: These are without a doubt the most enjoyable phone calls I have had in my four years on this job. You and you father are such fun.

Son: Well thanks Millie.

Near East Rice Lady: No really, what a blast. I wish nothing but the best for both of you.

The son has no idea what to say.

Son: Well thanks Millie. Just know, you'll always be part of a great story.

Near East Rice Lady: Glad I was.

Son: Bye Millie.

Near East Rice Lady: Bye friend.

The son turns around to talk trash about his win, but the dad is not present. The son looks out the window and the father's car is gone. He may have lost the battle, but never the war...

It's stories like this that I think about on days like this. I want it to be a happy day, but it ain't. But then I realize, it's happy for a lot of my great friends who read and support this blog. So to Brian H., Scott T, Dave M, Jay G., Scott M., Brian C., Steve T., Brian J., Eric S., Steve G., and all the other followers of my blog, Happy Father's Day. Enjoy every second of it and know that the weirdest things will be the moments that your children cherish the most.

Love all you dads and all that you do and all that you've done for me. You guys make every day of your children's life amazing, even when it's a call to a rice company.

Love you all, but mostly, I love my dad, the greatest of all dads.

I hope you can read this dad. You did such a good job. My three siblings make me so proud.

And I hope we make you proud too.

Go coos-coos.