Could You Shut The Hell Up Please?

Like Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald before me, my writing has been snakebitten by alcohol. Hence, the delay between posts. Maybe this will be my For Who The Bell Tolls or The Great Gatsby.

Anyways, for years, after I was involved in a funny situation or heard a really funny story, I always said, "Man that's awesome! I'm putting that in my book!" After hearing this over and over, my brother eventually started saying, "You can't write a book like that! What's this book going to be about? And what is the title going to be? That will be a terrible book." After hearing this enough, I decided that my more intelligent than me (He passed the bar! Yippee!) brother was right. My book of random vignettes that I felt was really funny was not funny at all. But guess what Mr. Esquire Mike? You're wrong. I can write a book of really funny vignettes. I even have a name for it.

Family Guy.

But it turns out you were right about something Mike. My book tentatively called Family Guy - with a string of jokes that only I found funny- DOES suck. Know how I know? Because they already wrote this book and it's even been made into a television show with the exact same title that I came up with: Family Guy.

Family Guy is awful. In fact, it is one of the two worst shows on television. I do not understand how it has achieved the cult status it has achieved and I do not understand how anyone laughs at it.

I've heard people talk about what a laugh riot it is. Over the years, I've given it a run. Recently, because it now seems like Family Guy is on TV very frequently, I have decided to revisit it in the hopes that maybe my bitter late twenties opinions were wrong. Turns out they weren't. Family Guy is worse than ever.

I mean, I get how a television show makes it without a linear plot and only random stories. Seinfeld did it too perfection and even though I am not a Simpsons superfan, I must admit that it's nonlinear/random plotlines have obviously worked. The show's been going on for twenty plus years. But the reason why they do is because the shows are funny. And original. Family Guy is neither.

The writers of Family Guy seem to think that they can take the same strategy that the U.S. took in Vietnam and carpet bomb the shit out of of viewers. Only instead of using napalm, these writers use jokes. And they apparently didn't learn from the mistakes of the U.S. Military because this stategy sucks. [Sidebar: I have always been fascinated by people who like movies and televsion shows that have "some funny parts." Is there an algebraic equation where x (number of jokes)- y(number of unfunny jokes)+ z (number of funny jokes)= s (number of "wild romp" comments made by critics for the film)? Because if there is, to get four stars s must be less than or equal to 7. People will always apologize for comedies and I never understand this.]

And if we use this algebraic equation for Family Guy, s=-1181 because there are SOOOOOOOOOO many more unfunny jokes on this stupid show than there are funny ones. Yet everyone talks about how "hilarious" this show is. Well it isn't.

Here's what the creators of Family Guy do. They come up with a general story line of the show. Then they put in a bunch of pop culture refernces that cross generations and social groups and trends. There will be a One Tree Hill reference for the high school girls, an 80s television commercial joke for the Gen Xers, a facebook joke for middle schoolers and college kids (yeah, I just lumped them together), a refernece to The Bachelor for the chicks in their mid to late twenties, and a Pulp Fiction joke for the hipsters. Then they will throw in an overly long joke about Bob Hope riding a motorcycle then crashing that I guess is supposed to appeal to dead people.

This is a completely unoriginal tactic and works similar to those parody movies like Epic Movie- which get metacritic scores of 17. There are no original jokes on this show and there is no creative writing. There are no jokes or sayings that will forever be part of our pop culture. There are reused jokes that will be painfully dated in three years. There is nothing worse than unoriginal comedy, but yet that's what America seems to love seeing as where they ignore Flight of The Conchords and make Beverly Hills Chihuahua an 100 million dollar grossing film. The writers think that this crossing and mixing of jokes is genius because they will hit all social groups, and I won't lie, I laughed at the Good Will Hunting quip, but that was one joke out of 200 on an episode? 1 of 100? 1 of 50? 20? 10?

Even if there were five jokes that episode, then that means Family Guy hit on twenty percent of their jokes. Under what circumstance is twenty percent good? Not in approval ratings, not in BMI, not in Botany averages at UMass (I know this first hand), and not in batting average. So why is it acceptable for Family Guy? Why is a show that is only occassionally funny deemed hilarious?

Family Guy hits on twenty percent of jokes and we all call the show brilliant. Why is that? So many of the jokes are missed by viewers because we have no idea what the writers are referencing and even the jokes we do laugh at we eventually stop laughing at because they go on... And on... And on...

I understand and can even feel badly for a writer when a joke goes a bit too far, but Family Guy kills jokes more often than high school kids kill jokes.

Speaking of killed jokes, I also frequently see Curb Your Enthusiasm, which along with Family Guy is the other worst show on television.

Here's what Larry David and company do:

First, they create an uncomfortable situation that many of us may have experienced (or seen George Constanza experience). Then, they make the characters "confront" one another in awkward ways. The one charcter usually means well when s/he begins "calling out" the other, but then problems ensue. the character being "called out" usually starts to get really defensive and the "caller outer" then tries to apologize. The one being "called out" doesn't accept the apology and the "caller outer" in turn gets defensive. Then the two begin yelling. And then they continue yelling. And then yell some more. And when they are done yelling, they yell again. Rinse and repeat.

This is the ONLY formula for this show. And can someone please tell me how this is funny? The only thing less funny then a series of a bunch of jokes that run on for 45 seconds two long is the SAME EXACT JOKE THAT RUNS ON FOR 2 MINUTES AND 45 SECONDS TOO LONG!!!!!

And I'm serious about this too. Sit down some night and flip through the menu on comcast and see if there is an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on. If there is, click to it. If the characters aren't yelling at each other than they will be in a minimum of two minutes.

And yet this show has somehow won Emmy's. Either I know nothing about good comedy or Jewish people yelling at each for several minutes is much funnier than I think it is.

Whatever the case, is there anyone out there who will actually say this show sucks? Because I haven't heard ANYONE criticize this show and before I ever saw it, all I was told was how funny it was. Well it's not.

Curb Your Enthusiasm capitalized on the "uncomfortable comedy era" that seems to be drifting out of style these days, but what makes uncomfortable comedy watchable are the other characters who realize that the characters acting like are idiots are, in fact, idiots (like Elaine on Seinfeld and Jim on The Office). And NOBODY realizes that anyone on Curb is an idiot. And on the odd chance that a charcter is called an idiot, they get defensive and start... YELLING! STOP YELLING LARRY DAVID!!!! COME UP WITH A DIFFERENT JOKE!!!! PLEASE!

But if you are to come up with a new joke, don't make it one about a talking baby because that's unfunny too.

I hate comedy. I really do. Where's Brett and Jemaine when I need them? Because I can't take bad comedy for much longer.